SB Nation User Blog: Barnesgasm

Go New York Go New York Go!

Barnesgasm — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 21:03:16 -0000

At the risk of posting things way too often, I come bearing wonderful news: The Knicks are once again embracing their mid-90's anthem, "Go New York Go New York Go", and have apparantly filmed a music video which will probably be debuted at their home opener wednesday. For those of you in need of a refresher, here is a 2004 edition of the song. One view should convince you that it's among the best songs of all time.

This song is one of the many things which our recent teams have lacked. Instead, we were subjected to that "Take Me Home" song. In a major improvement from "Take Me Home", which featured the underwhelming presence of Doug E. Fresh the Knicks have gotten Q-Tip to be the latest rapper to grace "Go New York Go New York Go" - a song which was once very briefly my ringtone, before it got overwhelmingly annoying - with his velvety tones. Let's revisit Mr. Fresh's verse on "Take Me Home ":

"TO MY WEST SIDE CREW, MY EAST SIDE CREW, TRUE NEW YORKERS WEAR ORANGE AND BLUE" - Doug E. Fresh

If you're familiar with Q-Tip's work at all, you know he can do better than that. For those of you not familiar with A Tribe Called Quest, but who have seen the skit Knee High Park from Chappelle's Show, you're probably thinking, "oh, that's why that guy is famous", and you probably aren't very interesting. If you're familiar with neither of these things, we will never get along.

If you follow the very first link at the top, you'll see that Q-Tip stood in front of a green screen besides a few Knicks. The photos are amazing and make me eagerly await the video.

Cool!

Slightly Awkward!

Jersey-popping!

Gangsta smile! I can almost hear Mardy thinking "I'm too sophisticated for this rap shit, man."

I think every other player should be green screened in front of, like highlights of basketball, or like a court, or like New York landmarks, except they should greenscreen Mardy Collins in front of like a weather map tracking a high pressure front over North Dakota.

Cuttable! Consider that video I posted yesterday my statement that the Knicks messed up by cutting Junior - I hope he at least gets in the Go New York Go New York Go video, at the least, because I don't think Malik Rose and Jerome James will fill in for him very well in music video form.

Does Danilo Gallinari not have armpit hair?

Vote in the poll, y'all.

Poll

In your opinion, what's the best song of all time?

"Go New York Go New York Go"

16 votes

16 votes | Poll has closed

"Patrick Ewing, Jr. agEHHHHHH OHHHHHHHHHH" - Gus Johnson

Barnesgasm — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 20:54:48 -0000

"Patrick Ewing, Jr. agEHHHHHH OHHHHHHHHHH" - Gus Johnson

Knicks sign two

Barnesgasm — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 20:37:09 -0000

In a move that could be considered the second most intriguing acquisition of a rookie son of an ex-Knick player in weeks, the Knicks announced that they've signed Dan Grunfeld to help fill out the training camp roster.

Donnie Walsh has clearly shown that he's willing to play into the nostalgia of Knicks fans: first he traded the specter of Frederic Weis for Patrick Ewing Jr., son of an all-time great Knick, but the way I see it, this is just a blatant attempt to remind Knicks fans of the glory days of Grunfeld's time on our 2008 Summer League team, but goodness knows that there's no way in hell that Grunfeld reprises the pivotal role he filled on that highly successful squad, who, at 2-3, had one of the best winning percentages in recent Knick history. In short, Dan: hang up the cleats. We can't keep living in the past. Brian Greene isn't walking through that door, and our team can't afford distractions like you at the cost of rebuilding our franchise. Retiring wouldn't lessen what Dan Grunfeld did for us in the past, but hanging on too long just might.

We also signed some fellow named Allan Houston, but that's neither here nor there.

i am lucky to be here, writing this fanpost

Barnesgasm — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 21:57:20 -0000

Apropos of nothing, but fuck it. I had a near death experience today.

Today, I was leaving my hotel lobby to head up to my dorm room for the first day of our school year, and as I stepped out the elevator, I saw a short, snivelling man. White. Jewy. Glasses, grey hair, cloven hooves for feet. The stench of sulphur was strong. You know the man, we all know him.

It took him about half a second to maneuver around me into the elevator, but I wasn't sure it was him for a few seconds either. When I realized it was who I thought I was, I wanted to turn to him, point to my Knicks roster shirt which I was wearing and am wearing right now,, and say "HEY! YOU SNIVELLING RAT BASTARD, SEE THIS SHIRT? THIS IS YOUR FAULT! STEVE FRANCIS BECAME ZACH RANDOLPH, AND THAT'S WHY WE HAD THE SAME FUCKING RECORD THIS YEAR AS WE DID WHEN YOU WERE THE COACH, YOU FUCKING EGOMANIACAL GREEDY BASTARD!" and walk away, but I knew that is what he wanted me to do. I tried to stare into his little beady eyes, but he simply walked right past. It was a foolish decision on my part, for if we had locked eyes, goodness knows I would have died immediately. I consider myself very lucky to be here right now.

Anyway, I went on with my day, but I am sure this was an awful omen for the year ahead. Not sure what he was doing here in Chicago, being the head coach of the Bobcats and all, but what matters is that I'm safe and alive.

"Why does green mean that's the color green? Why can't you say another word for green being green?...

Barnesgasm — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 20:15:46 -0000

"Why does green mean that's the color green? Why can't you say another word for green being green? Know what I'm saying?"

Stephon Marbury

Patrick Ewing Jr.!

Barnesgasm — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 19:12:22 -0000

Patrick Ewing Jr.!

Ayo! The Scion himself is a Knick! Unfortunately, this means we'll have to part ways with the draft rights to Frederic Weis.

not to become posting and toasting's resident fashion expert or anything, but i feel obligated to...

Barnesgasm — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 17:59:12 -0000

not to become posting and toasting's resident fashion expert or anything, but i feel obligated to point out that the dunk is now in t-shirt form. i bought one, but, then again, i would probably get a john starks dunking on horace grant and michael jordan face tattoo, so, keep that in mind.

Scrubdown #5: Matt Barnes

Barnesgasm — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 01:23:21 -0000

There comes a time in any commenter or bloggers life when they must name themselves. Some, the weak among us, choose to simply use their first name. Others choose inside jokes, or references to athletes. Me, I chose a compound. The second half, you may note, is the second syllable of the word "orgasm", and quite frankly, I've considered dropping it from time to time, since it kind of gives off this aura of offensiveness which I try to save for the actual content of the things I write. The first half is the last name of Phoenix Suns SF Matt Barnes.

But why? Why devote my name to him? Why devote my website to him? He's a marginal Knick at best. A jury of my commenting peers didn't deign him to be amongst the best 5 Knick scrubs of all time until Seth rigged the vote, a surprisingly strong move for a guy without the cojones to come up with a fake name. (Yeah, I said it.) Why am I obsessed with a mid-rotation guy who plays 3000 miles away from me? Why did I spend the past two years staying up all night watching Warriors games, even before they became America's darlings by knocking off the Mavericks? Kids, sit down, I have a story to tell.

It was October of 2005. Gas cost $3.80, George W. Bush was the President, and Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl" topped the charts, and Knicks fans like myself basked in naivete. We had won 33 games the year before, and were on the upswing, having shed all types of dead weight: The Thomases, Kurt and Tim were gone, bust Mike Sweetney had been dealt, and Allan Houston and Jerome Williams' only cast salary cap shadows on our squad, in came three first round draft picks in franchise savior Channing Frye, Nate Robinson, and a late first round castoff named David Lee who'd probably ride pine. Also, we had last year's 3 point shootout winner, Quentin Richardson, and a budding center prospect in Eddy Curry. Most importantly, interim head coach Herb Williams had been replaced by a real coach. Brace yourselves, because I'll only type the words that form his name once: Larry Brown. A championship winner and hometown boy. Shit seemed good.

And I remember sitting there, on opening night, we were on the road in Boston, and our starting lineup popped up on the screen. Marbury, Quentin Richardson, Matt Barnes, Antonio Davis, and Eddy Curry. Matt Barnes? Who in the fuck was Matt Barnes?

Matt Barnes, it turned out, was a heavily tattooed small forward who had made the team out of training camp, with previous stints in Sactown, Philly, and the Clip show, with no success anywhere. Not only had he made the squad out of training camp, but he would go on to start the first three games of the season.

The Knicks lost all three.

Matt would go on to play sparingly in six games over the first two weeks of the season, and his playing style was astoundingly awesome. Matt Barnes hustles, but does so in a method that seems astoundingly disconnected from the rest of the world. For example, on defense, he'll just randomly swing his arms in every direction possible, like he's trying to mug the shit out of someone who happens to be in some sort of force field, and sometiimes, he'll take the ball out of the backcourt and run top speed, gesticulating wildly like he's on a fast break even if it's like, completely not a fast break. These are the ways Matt Barnes plays basketball, and this is how I first realized that Matt Barnes is addicted to crack.

After playing a little bit under 100 minutes of crack-induced running, sprinting, yelling, Matt was cut in early december. Whatever Matt had shown in training camp, apparantly, was so absent in those 100 minutes, that Larry Brown decided that Barnes had no place, even on what was clearly becoming the most mismanaged, most fucked up teams in the history of the game, a team that would win a grand total of 23 games. My friends and I started asking: why in the fuck did we cut Matt Barnes? It clearly wasn't basketball related, because this team sucked so damn bad, and Barnes had only played 100 minutes. It had to have been something off-court. What could he had possibly have done that was so bad? Perhaps, we decided, he had attempted to kidnap Larry Brown and sell him to passers-by for 39.95 with which he hoped to purchase crack. Perhaps he had been distracting practices by showing up three hours early, peeling scrap metal out of walls somehow, and offering to suck George Glymph's cock for three dollars. Whatever it was, Barnes had attained legendary status. The guy who got cut from a team so bad that Jackie Butler appeared a shining light. A team that traded for he-who-shall-not-be-named, as if that would improve anything. When we cut Matt Barnes, it became clear that something was horribly wrong, and that for the world to be good again, another team would have to embrace a player, regardless of his crack smoking roots.

Anyway, Matt has moved on to bigger and better things. As you may have seen, he was on that really big Warriors team that became famous a few years ago, and now is considered a well-known enough NBA player that people make mixes of Matt Barnes, trust his haircutting advice, and write gay porn involving him. However, as the world's pre-eminent Matt Barnes expert, scholar, blogger, and gospel-spreader, I urge you: look past the shit he's done and the mild success that he's had. The true way to acknowledge Matt Barnes essence, being, and all that other good shit, is to look at those 6 games from a season of shittiness, where some poor crack smoking fuck just trying to make his way in the NBA world got caught up in one of the biggest clusterfucks of a season in the history of the association.

The Knicks Schedule

Barnesgasm — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 18:45:13 -0000

The Knicks Schedule

We open at home against Miami, and then play 81 other games against the other 29 teams in the league, alternating home and road dates. Balkman comes home Dec. 28th, and, although Ball Don't Lie says it's probably a glitch, our last game of the season is a home game vs. NJ in Minnesota.

Well the Taurean Green and Bobby Jones era went by mighty fast

Barnesgasm — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 21:57:39 -0000

Well the Taurean Green and Bobby Jones era went by mighty fast

Both have been waived. They couldn't have waited long enough for me to write a "getting to know Bobby Jones and Taurean Green" post?