SB Nation User Blog: Beauford

Preview: Fighting Zookers

Beauford — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 15:54:01 -0000

First up in our 2009 College Football Preview series will be Illinois. Why? Because I'm rolling straight alphabetical homie.

Previously on Maize n Brew: Northwestern

Explanation and indemnifications found: here

The 2008 Illini were somewhat disappointing insofar as they were coming off a Rose Bowl bid and seemed to have the pieces in place to continue winning. Losing Mendenhall hurt substantially, but WR Benn, QB Williams, and CB Davis were all back and poised to continue winning. What actually happened? They went 3-5 in conference, 5-7 overall and threw a "we're not playing in a bowl game" party with Michigan. There was punch, and laughter, but only the sad bitter laugh of remorse over what was and what could have been. Zook texted. The night ended.

The offense was not the problem. Averaging 438 yards per game, they ranked 2nd in the Big Ten. Juice was the 2nd highest rated passer in the conference, and the team averaged over 28 points per game. Michigan fans will remember Juice from such plays as 77-yard swing pass, and Big House record 431 all purpose yards. Last year, I wrote this about Juice:

Juice Williams is a good quarterback until you make him throw. Then he's a bad quarterback. That could change.

Also:

Juice can't throw; it's that simple.

Well, he did lead the Big Ten in INT's with 16, but uh, yeah, I was kinda wrong. The main reason the Illini were sitting at home over bowl season had to do with a horrific turnover margin (9th in the BXI, the part of me being kinda right), and a defense that was put in some tough positions. Illinois Total Defense rank was 6th in the BXI, while their scoring defense rank was 9th, just 2 points off of UM's. A mediocre total + a bad scoring = bad field position probably resulting from the poor turnover margin. The Illini scored metric shit-load of points, but the price to pay was Juice throwing INT's and the defense being put in mostly bad situations. Last year, remarkably, I predicted the Illini to finish 7th in the BXI, mostly due to a lack of Mendenhall. They finished 8th. 2009 predictions/preview after the jump.

2009 Schedule

9/05	vs. Missouri	3:40 PM
9/12	Illinois State	7:00 PM
9/26	@ Ohio State	TBA
10/03	Penn State	TBA
10/10	Michigan State	TBA
10/17	@ Indiana	7:00 PM
10/24	@ Purdue	TBA
10/31	Michigan	3:30 PM
11/07	@ Minnesota	TBA
11/14	Northwestern	TBA
11/27	@ Cincinnati	TBA
12/05	Fresno State	12:30 PM

One thing the media will harp on that is off base:

Juice Williams does a lot of things, and does them fairly well. However, it is not a good sign when your QB leads the team in rushing as he did last year. I believe that Juice is a very good player; one who deserves a lot of respect from defenses. However, when he is asked to do too much - as was often done to him last year - he makes mistakes. Juice is a much better quarterback when he can actually set up, look for Benn, and scramble at the last possible second. I compare it to Kobe Bryant in a backwards kind of way. The less shots Kobe takes, the better the Lakers are. The less running around that Juice does, the better the Illini will be. Juice =/= Pat White. The media wants him to be, but the less he resembles Pat White, the better.

One thing the media will completely ignore that is integral to this team's success:

Disclaimer: I received this email from the always punctual Hail to the Orange, SBN's fine Illinois blog. Fruit hail. Delicious. It reads:

"I think I should point out that the rivals depth chart you used is wrong, or at least misleading.
Russel Ellington and Ian Thomas are sophomores and did play a very small amount last year. Thomas is in his 3rd year because of a redshirt, so while our LBs are unproven and young, they aren't quite that young and unproven."

Consider yourself noted. Also consider the Rival's depth charts to be nixed from usage in this space.

B2

Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone. You won't hear a ton about the departure of Vontae Davis because good shutdown corners are the silent assassins of the defense. Quarterbacks avoid them, they don't make tackles, and they don't get INTs. Instead, they shut down their half of the field. Vontae Davis had 2 INTs all year last year, but his impact will be missed. Now on the field at CB will be Junior Dere Hicks and...gulp...freshman Tavon Wilson, a 3 star out of the DC area. The Illini are dangerously thin in the secondary, until you look at the linebacking corp. Starting at all three positions are freshman, and while Martez Wilson did play last year, um, yikes.

Most important contributors on each side of the ball:

Offense - With much respect to Arrelious Benn, who is 100% uncut blue magic, this spot belongs to Juice. When he's on - like he was in the Michigan game last yaer - he's awesome. When he's having a bad day, he's a liability. The Illini go as Juice goes.

Defense - With the thin linebacking and secondary corp, the defensive line is going to have to be killers. Pilcher on the end and Williams in the middle are the two seniors. They will have to be rocks if this defense is going to stop anybody.

Area that scares you as Michigan:

Simple: Juice Williams doing what he did last year.

Area that makes you salivate as the Michigan Wolverines:

That defense looks primed to be worked over. The inexperience at nearly every position will lead to opportunities for the read option/back field passing attack.

Random factor that you think will come into play this season:

According to some talking head at ESPN, Illinois has the 8th toughest OOC schedule in the nation. While they don't get points for a USC-esque scheduling, their opponents are indeed consistantly tough. The last two games of the season for the Illini are Cincinnatti and Fresno State. Mid-majors with something to prove? No thanks.

Overall Record:

6-6.

Final Big Ten Standing:

7th

Bowl Destination:

Maybe the Motor City, if not they'd better start praying for some at-large's to open up.

Sprinting Through The Big Ten

Beauford — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 12:42:58 -0000

On my old site, SCM and I would run through each Big Ten team applying the same template of questions. It was a preview of sorts, and the questions were as follows:

One thing the media will harp on that is ridiculously off base:
One thing the media will completely ignore that is integral to this team's success
Most important contributors on each side of the ball:
Area that scares you as an opponent:
Area that makes you salivate as an opponent:
Random factor that you think will come into play this season:
Overall Record:
Final Big Ten Standing:
Bowl Destination:

Champ (SCM) and I got about 3 quarters of the way through the conference before football season started. Dedication. We live it; breathe it every day. Now that we're not hiding behind some sort of shroud of objectivity (SCM never really hid, but that's another story), I feel that we can safely change the word "opponent" to "Michigan Wolverines" in those questions:

Area that scares you as the Michigan Wolverines:
Area that makes you salivate as the Michigan Wolverines:

In effect, we're after the aspect of a particular team over which Michigan will have the greatest advantage, and the area that keeps you awake a night in a cold, clammy sweat. There will be the mentioning of safeties aplenty, I presume. I've already said, in my last post, that predictions in college football are more a wild guess and is an activity best engaged in by those who enjoy banging their heads into the wall, or singalongs to "the song that never ends." In short, our predictions are no better than yours, or your grandmothers, just as Lee Corso's aren't any better than ours. We'll make them, oh yes, we'll make the shit out of them because they're fun and they generate discussion. But don't mistake the fact that we enjoy banging our heads into the wall for hubris. We're just some guys, you know?

We've already had LTP stop by for a discussion on Northwestern, who doesn't play Michigan this year, so consider that one done. Illinois is on deck, with Indiana in the hole. You've been warned.

Winnable Is a Stupid Way to Say "I Don't Know"

Beauford — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 19:24:05 -0000

I eat my fingers. I'm not really sure how it happened, or why it started, but somehow I've gone way beyond biting my nails to pretty much consuming the entire ends of each of my digits. It's repulsive, and probably fairly unhygienic. I use it as my reason why I never get sick. I'm constantly putting all this disgusting crap into my system, so I've got antibodies for shit like potted plant dirt, never mind Swine Flu. I got immunity from Swine Flu like 3 years ago after a particular nerve wrecking trip to the hog processing plant. Mrs. Bixel hates it, with good reason I may add, so I'm trying to quit. Let me tell you something about biting your fingers: that shit don't quit. I quit a pack-a-day smoking habit easier than I'm kicking this thing. About a week ago, upon returning to the United States and thus real life, I thought I had this thing kicked. My nails were long and beautiful. They clicked off the keyboard when I typed.

God I wish I could say that it were something different, something more meaningful that had me back to biting my fingers. Like Cancer, or something. I think Cancer would be nail-bite inducing enough to where people would see me at my desk gnawing my fingers and say "that's ok, it's cancer..." and the folks they were with would be all like "awww" instead of repulsed and determined not to shake my hand. Instead, I took a look at Michigan's 2009 schedule. That was all it took. Now my fingers are essentially stumps again. Thanks a lot, Michigan Football.

What I'm most interested in when I look at our 2009 schedule is this concept of "winnable games." I hear it all the time on message boards mostly, and I'm left wondering what, exactly, is meant by "winnable." There could be several definitions:

Coach: "Every game is winnable if you execute our plan you will not fail"
Fan 1: "We're Michigan, we should be in position to win each game on talent alone
Fan 2: "I study the rosters, the coach's history and tendencies, know a little about the depth chart situation, and deem that Michigan will have a shot in games XYZ"

The answer as to which is correct, I believe, lies somewhere in the middle. In theory, the coach is correct. Every game is winnable, which is why you have USA over Spain, or the inevitable mid-level PAC-10 team over USC (pick a year). But for us here in fanhood land, this very clearly isn't the case. No Purdue fan this year is going to look at the schedule and say "yep, 13-0, here we come!" And, as we adjust to life under 3-9, neither is any Michigan fan. Originally, I had labeled "fan 1" above as "homer fan" unti

l I realized that really that's not too far of an assumption to make. Michigan, as a football playing school, should be in position to win every game on talent alone. We have the resources, the history, and the staff to get top-tier recruits. We should be in that position, but god knows (again, 3-9) we're definitely not. Fan 2 was obviously what I wanted to be the correct definition, but even then, I think that's short changing the whole randomness/USA vs. Spain aspect of college football.

I think the problem lies in the original phrase. Predicting the college football season is the type of activity that will lead you to be chewing the ends of your fingers until they bleed. If you're going to make predictions, just make the stupid prediction, don't hedge on what is "winnable." Michigan vs. Colts is "winnable." Michigan vs. Spacemen from the Moon is "winnable." If you're going to do something as stupid as try to predict the outcomes of football games, at least be a man about it, because saying "winnable" is paramount to saying "maybe." It's like you count Ohio State as a loss because it's unwinnable, but shrug your shoulders at the rest of it. I'll be stupid enough to make predictions this year, and you'd damn well better believe I'll be predicting wins and losses. And eating my fingers. Make your predictions below, and I'll get back to you tomorrow:

Michigan Wolverines schedule

Date	Opponent
Sep. 5	Western Michigan	3:30pm
Sep. 12	Notre Dame	3:30pm
Sep. 19	Eastern Michigan	12:00pm
Sep. 26	Indiana	12:00pm
Oct. 3	at Michigan State	TBA
Oct. 10	at Iowa	8:00pm
Oct. 17	Delaware St.	TBA
Oct. 24	Penn State	TBA
Oct. 31	at Illinois	3:30pm
Nov. 7	Purdue	TBA
Nov. 14	at Wisconsin	TBA
Nov. 21	Ohio State	TBA

A Quick Note, Then Content

Beauford — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 17:49:06 -0000

Hail to the Victors 2009. Buy it NOW at www.maplestreetpress.com

Brian Cook is the proprietor of Mgoblog, purveyor of some of the finest Michigan and General What-have-you content here on these internets. If you have made it here without having stumbled upon Mgoblog first, kudos to you sir, you are the equivelent of an avid Princess Tomato in the Salad Kingdom player who doesn't know about Tetris. I'll wait until you come back from freetetris.org.

Welcome back. What was your highscore? Anyways, every year Cook edits and writes a few articles of a preview book entitled "Hail to the Victors." This year, I have contributed under my pen-name S. Mastin Jones. Or is that my real name, and Beauford's my pen name? You'll never know.

Either way, it's chalk full of really really solid Michigan preview related stuff, all detailed here. And it's out! I wrote the Barwis Pr0n which, as Brian mentions, contains quotes about puking. I really didn't want it to contain quotes about puking, but when players say things to the effect of "in the beginning everyone was puking", well, it becomes hard to avoid.

You really should buy it because instead of the 3 page preview you get in Lindy's or some other publication, you get 128 pages of 100% Wolverines.

Buy it here. It will eventually be on Amazon. It will be on newstands in Michigan. Real content in this space coming soon.

What Just Happened?

Beauford — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 13:01:29 -0000

More photos » by Al Goldis - AP

In this photo taken on Wednesday, April 29, 2009, Michigan State basketball coach Tom Izzo rehearses in East Lansing, Mich. Izzo will participate in a Broadway-style show, "Izzo Goes to Broadway" as a fund raiser for the American Cancer Society's Coaches vs. Cancer initiative. (AP Photo/Al Goldis)

Browse more photos »

The last few months have been interesting. For one, I got married to a girl and my lack of posting over that time frame should prove that yes, bloggers do have a life, and sometimes that life interferes with, well, blogging. The past few months play in my head in much the same way that the characters from "Lost" must have felt while they were skipping through time this past season. At one point, I'm proposing, then there's a bright light and a bunch of shit I don't remember, and we're fighting over room-gift-bags (the bane of any wedding planning, I assure you), then another bright light and a migrain, and I'm dancing at the reception. A little bit of time passes, and I'm in Italy wondering what the hell this shiny thing on my finger is (I've discovered that the way I type causes my finger to flex against a ring in such a way that I'm going to have to completely overhaul this thing), and now I'm back. What just happened?

I managed to read one post while in Italy, and it had to do with stripes on a football and Indiana building a bigger drum than Purdue. I laughed out loud, then realized that I hadn't missed much.

It's easy for people as football obsessed as us to wish away the summer to get to a season that passes all too quickly. We're going to get some Big Ten previews up over the next few weeks/months, which should satiate your thirst, but in the meantime, get outside, go to a lake, and enjoy the summer. And, just because SBN keeps recommending I put it in a post, enjoy this picture.

Transfer Transgressions

Beauford — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 13:21:42 -0000

First of all, SBN's decided to mess with their already pretty intuitive story editor, so if any of this appears out of whack, well, that's because I do computers the way that GBMW writes.

As a senior in high school, you have the right to choose whatever college you would like pending a shiny packet saying "accepted" across the front. Similarly, if you want to play football on a scholarship, you can choose whatever college you would like pending an offer, and a shiny packet saying "accepted" across the front. This much, we know. What's important here is that, as a football player entering college for the first time, you have the ability to go to ANY INSTITUTION that wants you to play on their team as long as you meet academic requirements. But what happens when, two years later, you decide that you've had enough of being buried on a depth chart? Or, even more poignant, in the monopoly game of College Football, every once in awhile there's a chance card that simply says "coaching change not in your favor, advance piece to bench." The obvious answer (too obvious, recently, for Michigan fans) is that a player can transfer to greener pastures of another program that a) wants you to play football, and b) has academic requirements that you meet. That should be the end of the story, right?

Take the case of Robert Marve, the wayward Miami quarterback who was all but banished to Purdue. After starting 11 games last season, he decided that he could no longer play for coach Shannon - a decision that I'm sure has many different angles but exists nonetheless. If Marve had been a non-athlete student and come to the same conclusion over a dispute with a professor or something, he would be free to go to any school that he could qualify for academically. As a football player, however, he was not granted the same treatment:

The release comes with conditions that don't sit well with Marve. He can't play for teams in the Atlantic Coast Conference, the Southeastern Conference or the state of Florida. It's not unusual for programs to place restrictions on the deal when a marquee player transfers.

Marve couldn't play for anyone in the ACC, the SEC, or (bizarrely) a school in the state of Florida. I somehow doubt that non-athlete student X would be subjected to such treatment. This is troublesome in a couple of ways. First, it totally gives up the pretense that these are student athletes. What if (implausible, but not impossible) Marve had decided that Wake Forest had the Accounting Program he really wanted to get into? He could still go to Wake, but he couldn't play football. It's been my longstanding belief that we've given up the pretense of "student" athlete for some time, however, the NCAA seems to just apply it where convenient. We can't pay players, despite making millions off them, because they're students first and getting an education. But you want to transfer to complete your eduction - so esteemed by the NCAA - elsewhere? Here's a list of restrictions on schools you can't go to in the name of athletics.

Even more troublesome is the more recent case of Josh Smith, a Colorado wide receiver who wants a better school of music. Colorado AD Mike Bohn has granted the release of his scholarship, but only if USC wants him. Hiding behind this shroud,

Instead, Bohn granted the release to USC only because that school met the criteria Smith said he was most interested in — it is close to home (Moorpark, Calif.) and offers the music program.

the AD has basically said "if you can get into USC you can go, but good luck doing that, kid." Smith wants to transfer for purportedly academic reasons, and Colorado has nixed it. Student first? Once again, a school's athletic department looks to be running the show. Bohn's excuse?

"It’s because of the investment that is already placed in the student-athletes. We have a lot invested in them and just don’t allow people to transfer when we feel like we provided a very solid foundation for them to succeed academically and athletically."

Oh, I see, because schools don't invest in their non-athlete students. Nope, none of those computer labs, housing, food, RA's, etc. are an investment. Of course, those non-athletes weren't 10th in the nation in all purpose yards last year either.

The point I'm driving here is that institutions somehow wield this power over student-athletes that strictly applies to the "athlete" portion of their title. Meanwhile, there are several instances where an athlete is limited in some capacity, or has something outright denied (as in, getting paid), where the school, and to a larger extent the NCAA, gets to hide behind the "student" portion of the title. You can't have it both ways. If the student athlete is truly a student first, then why do schools have the power to decide where a young man transfers? Especially if (at least the stated) reason is academics? Alternatively, if schools want to have scholarship offers be de facto contracts to play, then they, and again the NCAA, shouldn't have the right to deny endorsements, etc. I don't care which way the NCAA goes, but they'd better pick a side. As Orson has stated (can't find the link), we're getting closer and closer to athletic departments being corporate entities affiliated but not controlled by the academic institutions they represent. Note: I'm ok with this. However, as it stands now, students are limited because of the "student" part of their title in terms of payment, academic standing, etc. and limited by the "athlete" part of their title by not having the freedom to do what any normal student could; transfer to a school of their choosing. The school's power to limit transfers needs to stop, and needs to stop yesterday. Hopefully the Smith case will put the NCAA on notice that this practice is not fair to anybody.

Ohio State gets beat 37-6 by Florida State. In baseball.

Beauford — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 14:42:04 -0000

Ohio State gets beat 37-6 by Florida State. In baseball.

Men's Golf Comes Up Short

Beauford — Sun, 31 May 2009 14:50:54 -0000

...if by "short" you mean wildly blowing out any expectations on the season. Yes, the Men's golf team was defeated by Texas A&M in a close 3-1-1 finish. The Aggies will go on to play Arkansas, a matchup featuring the 7th and 4th seeds in the tournament respectively.

A hearty "huzzah" is due to all members of the Wolverine Men's Golf team for a season so chalked full of awesomeness that NPH actually "declined comment."

Huzzah!

Seriously though, well done gentlemen.

When a Story's Not a Story

Beauford — Wed, 27 May 2009 14:19:46 -0000

It's been a whirlwind recently in my personal life, which has led to me not really doing all the reading I should do if I'm going to, you know, run a blog about Michigan football. So I'm catching up on headlines when I ran across this gem:

Report: OSU leads Big Ten in Reported Recruiting Violations

via rlv.zcache.com

Hell. Yes.

When you can't beat somebody on the field, you resort to taking pleasure in inane recruiting violations. See - it's clear! OSU's been cheating this entire time! Boldly, I plunged forward into the article, expecting devilish tales of Tressel making it rain on recruits while pit-bulls fought in the corner all under the purple glow of a black light and a lava lamp. Upon reading it, I got more excited. Look at the spin on this baby:

(Ohio State director of compliance Doug) Archie said ... the committee and the athletic department, "consider (it) a very healthy number. We have a very robust compliance office and our coaches are encouraged to report any violations." ...

OSU's 13 recruiting violations were the most in the Big Ten. The league's schools reported 21 in all.

Archie said he felt that was due in part to OSU's aggressiveness in asking its coaches to report everything, and also the size of the Buckeyes' department (36 sports, compared to less than 20 at some league schools).

Ohhhhh, I get it. You're just extra careful in policing yourselves and that's why your school accounts for 62% of all the Big Ten's recruiting violations for an entire year ('07-'08). My excitement grew. Oh how I was going to make those message board idiots pay. I was headed straight to bucknuts to gloat on my new found moral superiority.

Alas! I remembered my liberal arts education; my history degree. I remembered that newspapers, although very close to the source, were not actually considered primary sources and to get to the real news, it was best to check out the actual report. Here's what I found:

The baseball team was inadvertently given an extra $17 in per-diem. They had to pay that $17 dollars back to a charity of choice.

Some courts that the men's tennis team used were re-located due to a women's tennis camp. The new location put the coach in viewing distance of another court (seperated by a barrier) where a prospective athlete was playing (unaffiliated with OSU). The coach was reminded of the rule.

Head women's golf coach called a prospective student athlete who was still a junior in high school. The high school's coach had told the OSU coach that the student would be graduating, which was a miscommunication. OSU is now not allowed to call that student for a period of two weeks.

A booster provided a ride for a few football player's family to a Penn State game in which their sons were playing. The bus rental was less than what a typical bus rental would have been but for their relationship to said football players. The report alludes to one of the player's fathers being employed by the service that drove them. The two other families had to pay $100 (the difference in what the typical bus rental would have been) to a charity of choice.

Men's swimming team competed in an alumni swim meet. The meet was held outside of "practice and competition" dates.

Men's basketball team hosted a prospective athlete, and they didn't return to their room until after 2AM, which I guess is a violation.

Men's football assistant coach traveled to the D4 state football championship game for Ohio. He was interviewed for local television. This is a violation.

Jim Tressel (ah-ha!) traveled to Wisconsin to meet with a high school coach of a potential recruit. During the visit, the player in question had contact with the coach, which is a violation.

Holy hell, these are violations? How the heck would anybody be able to keep these things straight, much less police them? I can say with absolute certainty that I probably break 10 to 15 of these puppies in my everyday life, and I'm not affiliated with any university! Whoops, I stayed up until 3AM last night playing "modern warfare" (I'm that cool). Violation. I went to a meeting with a guy in Indianapolis, and another guy walked into the room. Violation. I played in a men's basketball rec league, and it wasn't basketball season. Violation.

Now what am I going to go to bucknuts with? Thanks for nothing, Freep. Seriously though, when it's easy to read the report and realize that, uh, these are nothing, then why run the article that way? Stupid newspapers.

Special Guest Poster: GoBlue#1FanWoo

Beauford — Thu, 21 May 2009 16:00:01 -0000

Today's post comes from a message board poster calling himself GoBlue#1FanWoo. I did not proof-read this, so consider it sic'd. - B2

What's up Brosef's and Bro-ettes? You don't know me, but in between working out and pounding beers (not to mention ladies, amirite?), I post at typicalummessageboard.com. Man, I was JACKED when these guys asked me to give my opinion on the upcoming season. Last year, man, I must have drank 300 beerz to get that stain outta my mouth. But upon reflecting a bit, and getting my 225 reps up to 15, I realized that 3-9 was really more like 9-3. I mean, seriously, we could have won against Utah, Notre Dame, Toledo, Purdue, Michigan State, and Northwestern. If it weren't for those crappy ref's and the weather, man, we wouldn't even be having this conversation.

So needless to say, since we were only 3 bounces from being 9-3 last season, I am JACKED UP for a national title run this season. I mean, look, I've checked out the film on Forcier, and this kid can really wing it. He looks good on the run, and his completion percentage should be up around 80%. Add on to that that we have Denard Robinson - the fastest man in the land - as a change of pace QB, and I think we've got all the ingredients necessary to start rollin' up 50 on fools weekly. I think there's a legitimate claim to be made that Forcier could actually be in the mix for the Heisman at the end of the season. He was the most accurate passer in his recruiting class, and with the receivers that Michigan brings to the table, not to mention a beastly running game with Brandon URSA Minor (he's a star), I think it's setting up nicely for Forcier to be EXACTLY LIKE PAT WHITE except he can throw. Think of it this way: Rodriguez beat Oklahoma and Georgia when he had Pat White. Now, he's got Pat White except this Pat White completes over 80% of his passes. Think about how many options that opens up, dude! There's no way this offense isn't shreddin people from the very start.

Alright, dudes, it's time to get to the schedule:

Western Michigan: Alright, seriously Beauford, how did you not know that Hiller was still the Quarterback at Western Michigan? Aren't you supposed to know these things before you type them, dumbass? JKLOLRONFLMOA. Seriously though, it doesn't matter because Obi "Big" Ezeh will be introducing himself to Hiller early and often. Didn't you hear? The GERG MAN is going to have this defense play AGGRESSIVE. Finally, dude. I look for this to be a little warm up game with the starters sitting in the 4th quarter.

Final Score: 52-10

Notre Dame: I know a few things, and let me tell you that ol' coach buffet-buster doesn't know how to play football. Did you know he never played? I was an all-conference highschool linemen, and I probably know more about football than Weis-my-ass-so-big. And Clausen is 100% gay. Book it.

Final Score: 42-3

Eastern Michigan: I think we call off the dogs a little bit in this game because Ron English, former MICHIGAN MAN, will be on the other sideline. I'm probably going to be so hammered for this game though, I might not even make it to my seat. It won't matter, because I doubt Rodriguez will even bother to start the starters. He'll probably just roll with the 2nd string so we don't embarrass English too much, but will keep Forcier in so that he can pad his Heisman numbers.

Final Score: 35-7

Indiana: Now we're talking, man. Start of the Big Ten Season. I'm FEELIN' IT. What I don't understand is why IU even fields a football team. I mean, they should just stick to basketball ohwaittheysuckatthatto! LOLRONFLMOA. I expect that everyone is going to be jumping on the Forcier for Heisman bandwagon at this point, and it's not slowin down until it reaches NYC baby.

Final Score: 54-0

Michigan State: I watched that movie, 300, and thought that was the gayest shit ever. And like, Michigan State loves it and think it's all about them and shit. I don't get it. Little bro's got a rude awakening coming this season. Those brah's weren't even smart enough to get into Michigan, and like, good luck making it in the world with a Michigan State degree. They print those things in Crayon. Since Michigan State loves that Sparta movie, I say we go all Xerxes on their ass. Actually with the amount of gold and fine women up in his tent, I'd say that's pretty accurate. Plus, D'Antonio lacks class, man, it's just that simple.

Final Score: 42-17

Iowa: Dude, I don't know what the hell Oops Pow is smokin, but it's probably pole. Beauford was right, man, this game is totally winnable. Did you know that Kirk Ferentz's own SON was arrested? I mean, they're not even going to have a team by the time we get up there. Seriously, though, it's sad when young men aren't given the guidence they need, and sadder still that Ferentz is still a coach despite obviously not providing the type of leadership necessary. There's no way those corn-fed fatties up in Hawkeye land are going to be able to stop our lean-mean spreadin' machine. At this point Forcier's gonna definitely have like thousands of yards passing, and no Shonn Green = no more TD's for Iowa. 50-50 that this is a shutout because you either score points or you don't. I'm betting they don't. Book it.

Final Score: 48-0

Deleware State: I'm not even going to bother. It's nice that the kids from Deleware get a chance to play in the BIG HOUSE.

Final Score: 123 to -7

Penn State: We own their asses even if they did get lucky last year. JoePa's corpse will probably be up in the booth for this one, where he can get a fine view of Forcier runnin' and gunnin' through his defense like they're Poland. We're gonna be spreadin' the field like I be spreadin' the legs, which is nightly and often with more than one partner.

Final Score: 35-14

Illinois: Man, if there's one thing the Zooker can't do, it's coach football. These guys got really lucky last year, and I don't see it happening this year. Juice can't throw the ball, and if you tackle him he can't run either. Michigan's going to be undefeated for this one, and they'll be so JACKED that they can't lose. We'll probably be in the top ten going into this game, and it'll take a miracle for Illinois to stop that freight train. I would call this a toss-up but the only thing Illinois tosses is salad. On dudes.

Final Score: 42-13

Purdue: This is another one of those games we should have won last year. No more Tiller, no more Diabeetus. Or oatmeal. Purdue purdon't have the horses to run with us this year. If they were smart, they'd start Siller at QB again just so that Graham gets his fill of blood before they bring in a real QB.

Final Score: 55-3

Wisconsin: Wisconsin got what they had coming last year. They were so lucky that first half, because it easily could have been a blowout. I think this is the last straw for coach cheese head. Michigan's gonna crush them, setting up an undefeated showdown with Ohio State

Final Score: 42-17

Ohio $tate: These classless cheaters are gonna get what's coming to them in a big way. Forcier's gonna be the best QB in the country, and he'll prove it this game. The $uckeye$ are due for a fall in a big way, and St. Tre$$le had better get ready for it. They can't pay enough players to put together a squad that'll be even close to Michigan's. This one's for the last five years, and even though he doesn't understand the rivalry, Rodriguez is gonna hang 60. The $uckeyes are going to be crying all the way back to Columbu$.

Final Score: 61-13

There you have it. I'll save my prediction on who Michigan will be playing for the National Championship for a later post, if Beauford lets me. Let me know what you think in the comments section. Thanks, and GO BLUE!