With the Celtics headed to another postseason meeting with the Hawks, Jeff suggested I post an excerpt from the Hawks-Celtics chapter of my book, which chronicles the 2008 title run in great detail, as a preview or taster for the 2012 series. The whole chapter would be too long, but I'm going to give you a couple of lengthy excerpts, one today and one which was posted yesterday. We'll finish up by looking at how the series ended...

Deciding that my game five approach had proven that I was indeed a jinx, I contemplated not even listening to game six, but then I decided that maybe the jinx only applied when I watched the games. After the outcome of this game, I figured that it wasn't so much that I was a jinx at all, just that Boston either sucked or were really unlucky. Hopefully, it was the latter of the two.

Grande's reaction certainly gave credence to that concept. He couldn't believe that they managed to not win the game, saying "You could play that game again a hundred times and the Hawks wouldn't win it more than once or twice." He even suggested that if the teams played a 21-game series, the Celtics would probably win 16 or 17 games.

During the broadcast of game seven, he even said that the fact that they lost game six troubled him so much that he couldn't sleep, so he went back to the game footage and charted shots that had bounced on the rim more than once. Apparently, the Hawks went five-for-five and the Celtics went one-for-five on such shots.

So, while I had been questioning my own sanity because I was worried whether watching the game or not watching the game, or what I wore or what predictions I made would affect the outcome of the game, the play-by-play radio guy was essentially displaying a similar level of obsessiveness. When something meaningful happens that you can't understand, you go looking for reason. Obviously, this series and the title quest itself meant just as much to Grande as it did the rest of us.

Bless you, Sean Grande. If you ever needed evidence as to why he is the perfect man to tell the Celtics story over the radio, there it is. Ladies and Gentleman, Sean Grande: One of us.

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With the Celtics headed to another postseason meeting with the Hawks, Jeff suggested I post an excerpt from the Hawks-Celtics chapter of my book, which chronicles the 2008 title run in great detail, as a preview or taster for the 2012 series. The whole chapter would be too long, but I'm going to give you a couple of lengthy excerpts, one today and one tomorrow. We'll start by looking at how the series got underway...

Heading to the postseason, the Celtics' first opponent would be the Atlanta Hawks. Most people in the local and National media predicted a comfortable four-game sweep for the Celtics. On the face of it, with a 66-win team facing a 37-win team and having defeated them by double digits in each of their three meetings during the regular season, this seemed like a reasonable assumption.

However, while I did feel confident that they would win the series (although I still had my doubts over their chances in the next round, which was likely to be against Cleveland), I was fairly certain it wasn't going to be as straightforward as everyone expected.

First of all, since trading for Mike Bibby, the Hawks had essentially been a .500 team, so with Bibby on board they were obviously a better team than their record indicated. In fact, while it had taken Bibby some time to forge some chemistry with the young Hawks, towards the end of the season they had come on strong, with a streak of nine wins out of the 11 games at the end of March. Although they had lost five of their last seven, that run was enough to get them into the postseason.

Secondly, this was potentially another thorny matchup for the Celtics. All season long, the teams that had given them the most trouble were those that had size and athleticism at the swing positions. In Joe Johnson and Joe Smith, the Hawks boasted a pairing that could present matchup problems for the Celtics and they were a team that was going to get up and down the floor, making it hard for the Celtics big guns to play upwards of 40 minutes a game at a high level. Johnson was rounding into form nicely, having led the Hawks in scoring in six consecutive games at the start of April, averaging 28 points per game in that span, including 21 against Boston. Smith was also a threat, having averaged 19.5 points, 7.5 rebounds and 3.5 blocks in the last two meetings with the Celtics.

Finally, although the Celtics defeated them three times, the Hawks had managed to narrow the gap. The Celtics defeated them by 23 in just the fourth game of the season, but only by ten in March in Bibby's 8th game with the Hawks and then again by ten with three games remaining in the season. In the final meeting, the Hawks outscored the Celtics 30-19 in a dominant third quarter run and entered the fourth quarter tied, only losing thanks to some unexpected hot shooting from Sam Cassell, who finished with 20 points.

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Celtics fans will always look back fondly on the Big Three era. Right now, Celtics fans are enjoying the team’s late season resurgence and appreciating every moment as the team gears up for what will hopefully be a heroic postseason campaign. It won’t always be this way. Let’s consider what the future might hold…

On arrival at the Celtics Retirement Castle, Brandon parked up and wandered through the picturesque gardens to the front desk, where he was always greeted warmly by the bespectacled middle-aged woman as he signed his name in the visitors’ book. He didn’t see the guys as often as he did back in 2012, but the bonds of camaraderie still ran deep.

The woman behind the desk told him that, as usual, most of the guys were in the TV room watching some film. As he entered, the first to see him was Ray, who gave him a respectful nod before continuing to gaze at the screen, chewing lazily. Paul reacted more slowly, but wheeled his chair across the room to give him a hearty handshake.

"You know you don’t need that thing," said Brandon, chuckling to himself.

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As the nights draw in, the air gets cool, the shopping malls start to get busier and flashing lights increasingly adorn the buildings which surround us, December is upon us.

However, the Celtics fanbase is rightfully up in arms because we are still waiting for the team's first win of the season. This is a disaster. By this time last year, the Celtics had already won 13 games, so they are way off last year's pace, which saw them get burned because of their failure to earn home court advantage beyond the first round of the playoffs.

The Celtics are extremely fortunate to be leading the Atlantic Division and 2nd in the Eastern Conference by virtue of them holding the "alphabetical order" tiebreaker, but if things continue like this, they're in real danger of falling further behind the Hawks and entering the festive season with ZERO wins.

The age-old issues have predictably resurfaced. Doc Rivers' steadfast refusal to give ANY minutes to his rookies is mind-boggling. Pierce, Allen and Garnett aren't getting any younger, but has he given them a night off or given extensive minutes to any bench players? Of course not. This is despite the fact that all three of them are currently on course to set career lows for completion percentage and points per game.

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Check out those guns!  (via lolasportstalk.com)

Courtesy of our friends at LolaSportsTalk.com, we have a rare treat in the form of some actual coverage of a Celtics player playing basketball.

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via lolasportstalk.com

I've recently been enjoying the work of the insanely talented Alex from LolaSportsTalk, where they document sporting events (amongst other things).  Their fantastic photography gives you a real sense of the atmosphere, fans, food and action itself.   These are, of course, the things that could be taken from us if the lockout persists.

Starved of any new Celtics material to digest since the beginning of that lockout, I asked Alex if he'd ever done a Celtics game and he was kind enough to put together a photo essay based on the pictures he took at two recent Celtics games in Atlanta.  This is cool stuff, although admittedly it did just make me miss the Celtics even more.

If you liked that, Alex also passed along two more galleries (Friday and Saturday) he did at All-Star Weekend in LA, featuring the likes of Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, Shaquille O'Neal, Bill Walton and Bill Simmons.

What does "Guilty Pleasure Player" say to you?  For me, this is a player with flaws that you were prepared to overlook due to some of their more redeeming qualities.  As you grow older, priorities change and those things that were once most important to you become less meaningful.  I can sense a pattern forming here, as much of Celticsblog's battle-tested writing staff may have loved a guy that was flashy and exciting when they were younger, whereas now fundamental skills, defensive effort and basketball IQ - the things which a young fan will usually overlook - have now become paramount.  I am no different.

1991 was a long time ago.  How long?  Well, living in the UK, there was no offseason coverage whatsoever, so to see what the Celtics had done during the offseason, you pretty much had to watch the first game and see who showed up.  Contrast that with this offseason, where I'll routinely make several trips online per day for the most insignificant of updates.  I've often wondered what it would be like to go completely "Cold Turkey" for the offseason, especially as the stress involved mounts year-on-year.  Maybe next year, I'll avoid the entire offseason and see who shows up in November 2011, just like I did 20 years earlier, when one of the guys who showed up was a skinny 6'1" rookie called Dee Brown.

The first few times I saw Dee Brown play, he was unremarkable, although I already preferred him to Brian Shaw.  Then he showed me something I'd rarely seen a 6'1" guard do in a game.  A shot bounced high off the rim and Dee jumped up, hung in the air for a split-second longer than everybody else and powered home a soaring dunk at full stretch.  For me, it was love at first flight.

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(Just in case you were worried, I guess I have to confirm that this article contains no "Lost" spoilers.  I can't promise it won't reveal the outcome of the Finals though...)

It's been a dizzying and confounding ride, but at last we have reached the journey's end.  Such was the uncertainty and confusion that many people gave up and stopped watching a while back, but for those that remained, the way things developed was as exciting and rewarding to watch as it was dumbfounding.

So, here we are at the conclusion of the tale, but questions still remain and nobody can be 100% sure that things are as they seem.

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Number One: Lebrondo

Much was made of the duelling superb performances by LeBron James and Rajon Rondo in games three and four respectively.  So much so, that TNT’s Ernie Johnson declared this to be the "Lebrondo" Series.  The stakes were raised when it was revealed that the Cavs were contemplating using LeBron to actually guard Rondo.

Cleveland were obviously hoping that LeBron’s length would deter Rondo from penetrating and cut out some of his passing lanes, which could lead him to resort to his outside shot, which although it was falling on Sunday, has been inconsistent throughout much of his career.  So, how did this plan fare?  Based on the result, you’d think not so well.  However…

LeBron first picked up Rondo in a half court set late in the first quarter, with the Cavs leading 21-20 and stayed on him until Rondo was substituted a few minutes into the second period.   The score at that point?  29-21.  An 8-1 Cavs run.  So why did they seemingly abandon this ploy, which at least partially contributed to Rondo not making a field goal in the first half?

A closer look at what happened revealed that at the end of the first, Rondo gave the ball up each time and did not get it back on any of the first three possessions, although this was a product of the Celtics taking (and missing) quick shots, rather than LeBron denying him the ball.  On the final possession, LeBron switched off him and he hit a jump shot after the buzzer.

Early in the second quarter, the Celtics adjusted, sending on-the-ball screens at James from all angles and allowing Rondo to easily blow by him three straight times.  Although the results were not productive (a Varajeo foul, a missed lay-up by Rondo on which Davis was fouled going after the rebound and a missed lay-up after he dished the ball off), it looked like LeBron wasn’t able to guard him and the Cavs probably would have put Parker or Williams back on him anyway, especially with LeBron having been whistled for an almost unheard of second first-half foul.

As it happens, as soon as Rondo went to the bench, the Celtics went on a 16-0 run anyway.  Whether the Cavs will revisit this plan in game six remains to be seen, but maybe it threw LeBron’s focus off and had an effect upon his offensive performance.

Okay, I've eased you in gently.  After the jump, things get a little dafter.

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Hey, the Celtics won by 26 last night!  It may only have been against a team that - even before Tayshaun Prince went down injured in the second quarter - was already having one of those years - (we call it a "2006/07" around here), but you can't criticize the Celtics for taking care of business.  A 26 point win is a 26 point win, so...no complaints?

Not quite.

Another development that Red Auerbach would have never allowed: Fans did the wave in the second quarter. Longtime observers said they could not remember that happening at a Celtics home game, ever.

No, no, no, no, no, no, NO!

After having won a championship (less than two years ago, believe it or not), you expect the dynamic within the arena to shift - more corporate hospitality, more families, more bandwagon fans - but this is a step too far.  There's a reason why Red would never have allowed it.

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We've discussed Kevin Garnett and whether or not he is fully recovered from his knee injury repeatedly and at length on this blog.  In fact, I think Jeff put a moratorium on discussing it at one point (or was that KG himself?)  [Editor's note: yeah, that was KG, not me.  Knock yourselves out.]  Without delving too deeply back into that subject, the numbers tell us that, while he will probably never go back to being the player he was when he won an MVP award in his late-twenties, he has been putting up similar numbers to last year and in recent weeks, has even been approaching the numbers he put up in his first season in Boston.

However, I wanted to talk about a strange apparent side effect from the off-season surgery that nobody seems to be talking about.  When did KG become so clutch?

Remember the 2008 playoffs?  The Celtics couldn't win a close game and Garnett came under fire for "disappearing" down the stretch (offensively, at least).  He came up big with a couple of late jumpers and the game winning lay-up with 21.4 seconds remaining in Game One against the Cavs and got the roll on a short turnaround late in Game Four's comeback win in the finals, but other than that, he more often than not did not produce down the stretch in close games and those two games were highlighted as the exceptions that proved the rule.

Garnett was so intense, so 100-miles-per-hour-at-all-times, that it seemed like when they reached the last few minutes of a tight game, either he was spent, or he didn't have another level to take it to, unlike everybody else.  Maybe he was even affected by nerves as the Celtics drew closer and closer to the title.

In the end, it didn't matter.  The Celtics had plenty of other go-to options down the stretch and Garnett's play was pivotal in getting the Celtics to that position, almost like a starting pitcher going seven strong innings and then getting his bullpen to finish the job.  However, you couldn't help but wonder if the potential of this team could be even greater if he was more of an offensive threat down the stretch.

Fast forward to this season and, in particular, the Knicks games at MSG on November 22nd.  With the game in the balance in the fourth quarter, exactly the time where Garnett's reputation would have us believe that he would be a shrinking violet, Garnett was 1-for-10 and, at that stage, was shooting 47.6% on the season.  Suddenly, with the pressure on and the Celtics trailing by six, he knocked down a jumper to cut the lead to four.  A couple of minutes later, he knocked down a pair of free throws to put Boston up by one.  With the scores tied and 1:07 to go, he made another jumper to give Boston the lead.  Finally, in overtime, his buzzer beater from the top of the key gave the Celtics a 107-105 win.

But that's just one game, right?  Not necessarily.  Since that game a pattern is starting to form:

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The NBA preseason is a strange time.  Fun though it is to see NBA games back on our screens, it often proves to be the case that what happens in October stays in October, which is to say that it doesn't translate to the regular season.  Veteran players might appear to be in a slump or have lost a step, only to be in mid-season form once the games that count have arrived.  Youngsters or new additions come in and look like they might contribute, then never manage to get off the bench during the regular season.

There are, of course, exceptions to the rule.  For example, in 2007, anyone who saw the Celtics first couple of preseason games in Europe could sense a changing attitude and newfound confidence from the outset and - once you got past that "this is too good to be true" vibe - it was obvious they were going to come flying out of the gates when the season began.

More often than not, though, it seems that preseason tends to throw up a series of red herrings.  Many of the established players are more concerned with going through the motions to get in shape and prepare for the season, whereas others are fighting for roster spots and treating every possession like it could be their last.  As a result, projecting anything based on preseason is increasingly difficult, if not impossible.

As long as we all know this, we can look at what has happened so far and try to determine what this might mean for the upcoming season without taking ourselves too seriously.

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This is a pivotal season for NBA referees.  Having made it through the heavy scrutiny of last season, following the Tim Donaghy betting scandal revelations, the NBA is coming off a postseason in which never-before-seen levels of controversy drew the spotlight away from some otherwise compelling games and series.  Every night, it seemed somebody new was in danger of being suspended, whether it be Rafer Alston slapping Eddie House upside the head or Rajon Rondo inadvertently catching Brad Miller in the face while swiping for the ball.  Each decision to suspend or not suspend a player had a huge effect upon the next game.

The NBA obviously needs to sort out that situation so that everybody is clear, once and for all, what constitutes a flagrant 1, flagrant 2 or just an old-fashioned personal foul and what the relevant suspension should be.  Postseason suspensions could be served during the following regular season, for example.  

Perhaps more importantly, this is the year where the NBA is set to introduce more-relaxed traveling rules and how they handle that could make the NBA's most unstoppable players ever more unstoppable.  Or, alternatively, could narrow the gap between those who used to get away with such violations anyway and the rest of the field.  This could theoretically affect careers and define legacies.  Can they afford to have replacements in place during this crucial transition period?

Last week, the NBA officially announced that they were going to lockout the referees, in light of their ongoing contract negotiations with the league.  Referee training camp began on Sunday with replacement referees.  Inevitably, this has fans, players, coaches and the media concerned about the standard of officiating in the upcoming season.

What can we expect to see from these replacement referees, which will be taken from a pool of D-League and WNBA officials?  In particular, how is this likely to affect the Celtics?  I decided to investigate further.

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How do you even begin to write about Tony Allen?  Seriously, how can you even begin to put into words any coherent thoughts about a guy whose career has - whether viewed at a macro or micro level - displayed about as much coherence as this paragraph?  Which is to say, hardly any.

Surely the only way to broach the subject, when that subject is so maddeningly inconsistent, dangerously erratic and, on a good day, effectively wild, is to pattern my article in the same manner.  Perhaps if I start to make a good point and then lose focus and fly off at a wild tangent, peppering my article with disappointingly formed analogies and paragraphs where I contribute nothing of value whatsoever, but then every now and then I write something good and start to get on a roll, only then can I capture the true spirit of Tony Allen.

However you feel about Tony Allen right now, it's likely you have run through the full gamut of emotions towards him over the course of his perplexing career.

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In the context of what has happened since (and in the absence of any current action to pick the bones from) I thought it might be interesting to revisit Paul Pierce's role in the failure of the 2002 incarnation of Team USA at the World Basketball Championships in Indiana.

I'm afraid this will raise more questions than answers, although your comments will certainly help in that regard.  Before I recap exactly what went down, let's dive into some of those questions:

Has Pierce leading Boston to a title caused you to forget this or is it something that was soon forgotten anyway?  Would it have factored into his legacy as a great player?  Did the subsequent failure of the next few USA teams to win get him off the hook at all?  Did you feel the need to defend Pierce at the time?  How accurate is your recollection of events?

In order to answer the last of those questions, I'll need to recap what happened during the tournament and in the events leading up to it.

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Scene: It is Christmas Eve.  Outside, the snow falls and as the clock nears 5:00 p.m., Doc and Danny are putting the finishing touches to their working day.

Doc: Gee, I can't wait to get back to my family for the holidays.

Danny: Well, don't forget, I need you here tomorrow evening to go over our plans for the Sacramento game.

Doc: Are you sure?  Every time we meet to discuss the team, you and Tom Thibodeau go over the gameplan and I just end up doing your ironing or something.

Danny: *Carries a big pile of clothes out to the back room*  Look, just be here, OK?

Doc: Yes, sir.  *Whispers under his breath*  Self important slave-driver!

Danny: What did you say?

Doc: Umm, I said that Greg Louganis was a good diver. 

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A couple of years ago, Celtics fans the world over were a bit down on the team.  Losses were piling up, there didn't seem to be much hope for the future and the franchise seemed to be at best spiralling into a pattern of mediocrity.  However, I was able to collectively raise everyone's spirits by writing a piece called "It's all Good".

Sadly, said article - whilst it achieved its stated goal of talking a few people off the ledge, has faded away into the ether, like Britney's hotness or the notion that Dan Dickau could be a useful NBA player.  However, I can only imagine that it predicted a world where hot women dance around while the C's win convincingly every night, Tommy Heinsohn can say how good a player is and actually mean it and even Bob Cousy likes what he sees on the floor…which is where we find ourselves now.

National media attention.  Power ranking relevance, without having to scroll down the page.  Sportscenter highlights that don't feature that night's opponent.  A place atop the standings.  Unfortunately, it has fallen on me to stem the tide.  You have to remember the old axiom - things are never as bad as they seem, nor are they as good as they seem.  So, unfortunately, I have to break the news that although this winning business seems nice and all, not everything is right within the Celtics organization.

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We didn't plan ahead enough to get Bent a press pass, but our resident British subject author was able to take in the game and give us his first hand account of the game.  Enjoy! 

The Boston Celtics faced off against the Minnesota Timberwolves earlier today.  I was there, and after reading this far-too-detailed report, hopefully you’ll feel like you were too.

On the whole, it was a decent performance by the Celtics against the somewhat overmatched young T-Wolves lineup, although it was spotty in places, there were signs that the starters are beginning to gel and that the reserves will contribute and find a role.

I will recap what happened in the game here and then for those of you that are so inclined, I will go into a bit more detail and give some of my own thoughts on the event after the jump.

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With the recent trade for Ray Allen and the emergence of Al Jefferson, the Celtics arguably have assembled as much talent as at any point since the early-to-mid-nineties.  Remember, during the post-Pitino era, the Celtics had two fringe all-stars and a slew of "battle-tested veterans".  With several trading chips still available, a couple of young guys poised to make "the jump" and an Eastern Conference still considered to be weak, does the current roster have enough talent to go a step further than those teams from the early part of the decade?

In order to comprehensively analyze this conundrum, I contemplated carrying out a detailed comparison of the roster as currently constituted (alliteration not intended), as against the 2002 incarnation, or maybe the 2005 unit, which won the division.  Hmmm…Jefferson or Walker?  Perkins or Blount?  Rondo or Payton?  Ray Allen or Ricky Davis?  The possibilities were intriguing.

However, then I instead considered doing another juvenile pun-filled parody piece, which I knew would safely make the cut due to it being the quietest part of the year.  What a dilemma.  Find out what I decided after the jump…

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by Bent 

May 22nd, 2007. The NBA Draft Lottery. Backstage, they fire up the lottery machine in a private ceremony to determine who gets the number one pick before the results are announced. All the balls are loaded into the side door and are jostling for position…

Boston: Outta my way. I *need* this.

Milwaukee: We all *need* this.

Chicago: Well, not all of us. Ha ha.

Boston: Who invited you, anyway?

Chicago: Isiah Thomas.

Boston: Right. Ugh.

Atlanta: So once they press the button, we all head for that big plastic chute up there and whoever gets out of there first, wins the number one pick in June…

Seattle: What makes you such an expert? Oh, right…

Memphis: Hang on, hang on. This isn't fair, shouldn't there be 250 of me or something?

Atlanta: Nah, they don't do it that way any more.

Memphis: But I was the last placed team. Where's my advantage?

Atlanta: Oh, you just get a head start.

Memphis: Sounds fair enough.

Portland: This isn't right. They're supposed to draw 4 numbered balls out of 14 and the 1,001 possible combinations of numbers are then allocated between the lottery teams, with the team with the fewest regular season wins having the most combinations allocated to them.

All the others: Shut up, Portland!

Philadelphia: You seem remarkably calm about this, Atlanta. What gives?

Atlanta: It's all good. I know I get the 12th pick unless I "win" one of the top three places. Somehow, I can't see that happening. Sorry, Indiana.

Memphis: So you're going to try to lose on purpose? But that's disgraceful.

Everyone looks at Memphis with a "you have got to be kidding" look on their face.

Phoenix: Actually, I'm in the same boat. Me and Atlanta'll just hang back here out of the way.

Milwaukee: These things are easy anyway. All you have to do is show up.

Seattle: Oh yeah? A trash talker, eh? Well, I'm certain to win because I am Supersonic!

Milwaukee: Actually, you're just "Sonic" now.

Seattle: What, like the hedgehog? Aw, rats! Meh, I don't care because I'm losing the team soon anyway.

Charlotte: I don't stand a chance *cough*. I'm not very well. *splutter* It would take a herculean effort to win this thing. *puts towel over himself*

Everyone else rolls their eyes.

Sacramento: Get off me! *Barges into all the other balls and then leaps out of the door and into the crowd.*

Chicago: I think somebody needs to switch to de-caf.

NOOCH: I think I have a shot at this. Hello?

Everyone ignores the "noob".

LA: I bet you didn't expect to see me.

Boston: Lakers? What are you doing here? Where's the Clippers' ball?

LA: I am the Lakers. Therefore I am entitled.

Boston: Wha…

LA: Lakers. Entitled.

Boston: I hate you. This isn't fair. You can't possibly expect to get away with this.

The machine starts turning. All the balls start churning around in the bottom of the machine. Memphis sets off towards the chute with its head start.

Atlanta: Wow, man. You need to hurry up.

Memphis: Slow and steady wins the race.

Atlanta: It's decision making like that which has led to all the success your franchise has enjoyed in recent years.

Boston sets off next. Boston is much faster than Memphis due to not having expended any energy by running (despite promising to do so in each of the last ten preseasons) and soon moves into the lead.

One by one, each of the balls set off in pursuit of the chute.

Philadelphia: Screw this, I'm not going to win. Boooooo!

Phoenix: Wow, you're booing YOURSELF? Already? Wow, that's harsh, dude.

Minnesota comes from nowhere to suddenly build up a sizeable lead.

Minnesota: With this dastardly plan, that first pick is going to be mine. All mine! Draft related shenanigans - what could possibly go wrong?

Muttley: *Snickers*

Minnesota puts a sign up that says "Chute this way" and points it away from the chute. Unfortunately, an out of control Sacramento smashes back through the door and the resultant gust of wind spins the sign round so that it points back towards the chute and everyone rushes past before Minnesota can set off again.

Minnesota: Drat, drat and double drat!

Boston is back in the lead!

Boston: I can see the light! I'm going to win the race. This must be how fertilization feels! First to the egg! A birth of a new era in Boston. A glorious moment to cherish and ... what the…?

Boston is just a fraction of an inch too big to fit in the chute.

Boston: Curse you, David Stern! If I had a fist, I'd be shaking it at you right now!

Boston floats away and desperately starts trying to make himself smaller by scraping himself against a sharp bit of the machine. Behind him, the rest of the field are closing fast.

Charlotte: Stop bumping me. Ref! Ref! They keep bumping me.

Portland: Huh? You bumped into me. You initiated the contact.

Lottery Machine Ref: Back off him and give him some room.

Portland: Typical. The Jordan Rules. I can't catch him now. That's it. Charlotte's going to win it. Oden and Okafor - what a front line. Maybe I can still get the second pick. Durant will really compliment … uhhh, who do we have again?

Just before Charlotte reaches the chute, Atlanta deliberately cannons into Phoenix and sends him through the chute before anyone else. Phoenix wins! Which means the pick reverts back to…Atlanta.

Atlanta: Yes! Respectability at last. All that lottery experience pays off after all. Whoo-hoo!

Charlotte: Ha ha! I get the second pick. Which is what I wanted anyway, because you don't have to give them as much money and therefore I have more left to go gambling with.

Sacramento careens up the chute to lock down the third pick, which means Memphis picks fourth and Boston fifth. In a final moment of complete humiliation, Boston ends up stuck in the end of the chute with the rest of the balls laughing at him.

Never mind, Boston. Maybe the "luck" will be with you next year.

 

In a year when nobody can agree on the best way forward (and a year in which I have watched far too much TV), there's only one way to settle the conflict! And it's the perfect time of year to do so…

Coming at you live from Detroit's Ford Field, it's Celtslemania, featuring some of the biggest superstars in the WGE (Wyc Grousbeck Empire). Only on Pay Per View!

The action kicks off with a big grudge match and your specially-flown-in ring announcer Andy Jick introduces the competitors to the ring…

(1) The Big Powe versus Flyin' Ryan Gomes
A battle of the underappreciated second rounders starts off slowly as neither guy is allowed into the ring in the early stages. Finally the action gets underway and Flyin' Ryan gets the advantage by going after the Big Powe's surgically-repaired knee. The match ends in a no-contest when the powers that be decide that they have both had enough time already.

After a disappointing start, the action promises to heat up…

(2) The Mature Boy Sebastian Ricflair versus Allan Ray Mysterio
This is a ladder match (it had to be because otherwise neither of these vertically-challenged athletes would be able to climb into the ring) to determine the holder of the vacant third-string-point-guard-championship-belt. Sebastian, a talented chain-wrestler, is still annoyed after having the championship gold literally stolen from him earlier in the year. Ray predictably struggles with being too small to be taken seriously in the early stages. Sebastian tries to finish him off with a thumb to the eye, but faints when Ray's eye pops out of his head, leading to an easy pin.

The crowd is hot for the action at this point and the atmosphere is building…

(3) Ravishing Rick Pitino versus Big Vin Vader
This is a Loser Leaves Town match. The two contestants are both deemed to be losers before the bell even rings and are made to leave town.

The crowd loves the finish and can't wait for the next matchup…

(4) The Al-timate Warrior versus Tone Cold Steve Allen versus The Little Redz Machine
This is a triple threat elimination match to determine who was the best draft pick in 2003. The Al-timate Warrior gets the early advantage with a big boot. It's the one he had to wear when his ankle was injured. He gets eliminated by an early three count, which he is used to, although it isn't foul trouble this time for a change. The Little Redz Machine used to wear a mask and, judging by his face, probably still should. Allen gets the win when he distracts the ref and gets his buddies to finish off his opponent (allegedly).

With action like this, the crowd is going crazy…

(5) Doc Lesnar versus Kurt Aingel
These two former superstars were friends for a long time until Aingel grew tired of having to step in and come to Doc's rescue. Now they are rivals in a bitter feud and return to action to face off in an "I quit" match to determine who keeps their job. An evenly matched war comes to an end when Aingel shockingly smashes Doc over the head with a chair to get the win. In an interesting subplot, Dan Dickau was actually in charge of guarding the chair, which Aingel was able to get to with no problem.

The crowd are a bit disappointed with the cheap finish, but the next bout has their mouths watering…

(6) Hardcore Wally versus The Ratliff R Superstar
This time it's a steel cage challenge. However, the two competitors are not fit for action, so instead of competing with each other, the bout simply consists of locking these two in a steel cage and leaving them there until their contracts expire.

Despite the lack of action, the crowd like the result, so they are into this…

(7) Macho Man Rondo Savage and The Kandi-Taker versus Mister Perkfect and The "Great" Scali
The action continues with a no holds barred tag-team contest. Mister Perkfect gets off to a hot start, but then tries to go for a slam and can't make it because his feet hurt too much. The Kandi-Taker regains the advantage. Meanwhile, the 420 pound giant Scali doesn't fight much, but does contribute with the intangibles like posing on the ring apron and clapping his hands to encourage his partner. Eventually, Rondo gets the hot tag and ironically wins by applying a sharpshooter.

With the crowd in a frenzy, it's time for our main event…

(8) The Game TruthPaul H versus Jonald Greena
Plenty of high-flying action on tap here, as these two superstars face off in a no-disqualification match for the key to the franchise. Greena is a bit of an enigma, as most of his biggest fans are young kids and technically, he's not actually that good yet. However, he does fire up the crowd, especially when he pumps up his shoes before he jumps off the top rope. TruthPaul H is an aging veteran, but still widely regarded as one of the best, earning the respect of all his peers. Greena dominates early, but misses an opportunity when he slams TruthPaul H over a table instead of through it. TruthPaul H regains the advantage and ultimately wins with his patented leaky elbow off the top rope. For Greena, maybe his day will come.

Season Four

"I'm federal Aingent Danny Bauer and this is the longest season of my career…"

Scene: Timeout. The Celtics are huddling…

Doc: Right guys, the target is centrally located above the baseline at an altitude of approximately ten feet. Rajon, I want you on point for this mission…

Rajon: Check.

Doc: Gerald, I want you to establish a perimeter.

Gerald: Uhh, if you mean lingering uncomfortably around the three point line ready to shoot if everyone collapses on Paul like I normally do, then…check.

Doc: Er, sure, why not? OK, do we have satellite coverage?

Paul: Yeah, we have to. It's not like we're ever on National TV.

Doc: Right...lemme see. It looks like there will be two hostiles on the perimeter and three more protecting the target.

Paul: Yeah, that's right, they're in a 2-3 zone.

Doc: *stares blankly*

Paul: Coach?

Doc: Uh, it looks like we might be able to hit them from the back entrance. I want you to take the shot…Big Al-meida.

Big Al-meida: *emerges from background and enters huddle* - Check.

Gerald: Big Al-meida? Wait a minute…didn't you…?

Big Al-meida: Shhh…some people haven't finished watching Season three yet. No spoilers!

Doc: The guy you need to watch for is this guy…Nocioni.

Big Al-meida: Check.

Doc: Nah, I think he's Argentinean.

The buzzer: BUZZZZ!

Doc: Let's get this job done. *exchanges meaningful glances with all his players*

Scene: Aingent Bauer's Office…

Aingent Bauer (on the telephone): This better be important, I'm busy. *takes another swig from bottle of whiskey, as he watches the game*

Hot potential love-interest eye candy sexretary (on the other line, in a high-tech split screen): I have an Isiah Thomas on the line for you.

Aingent Bauer: *slams down whiskey bottle* - How many times do I have to tell you…we do not negotiate with terrible GMs.

Sexretary: But aren't you the same guy who has made trades with Kevin McHale, Mitch Kupchak and Jim Paxson over the last few years?

Aingent Bauer: Listen to me…one man's terrible GM is another man's franchise saviour, you got that?

Sexretary: Are you trying to craftily inject some politics onto celticsblog?

Aingent Bauer: Not deliberately, I can assure you.

Sexretary: Phew.

Scene: On the court, with Paul Pierce about to make an inbounds pass…

Paul: *passes the ball to Rajon* - Let's go. We got 24 seconds.

Rajon: *surveys scene* - OK, we got two guys out on the perimeter and two in lowdown positions, blocking the backdoor and covering the target.

…20…19…

Paul (to Kendrick): Screen me…I'm going in. *cuts across lane and out to perimeter*

…17…16…

Rajon: Gerald, have you established a perimeter?

Gerald: *looks around him and then shrugs*

Rajon: Never mind.

…14…13…

Rajon: *swings the ball to Paul on the wing* - OK, Paul, you got it.

Paul: I have the target sighted.

…11…10…

Big Al-meida: *cuts into the lane* - Paul, patch me in!

Paul: Patch? Huh?

…8…7…

Big Al-meida: *waves arms wildly* - Patch me in!

Paul: What are you talking about?

Big Al-meida: Just pass me the ball!

Paul: Oh.

…4…3…

Paul: *tries to pass ball in, but it gets kicked*

Referee: *blows whistle* - Kicked ball! Reset the clock to fourteen seconds.

Doc (on the telephone): What's that? Pull everyone out of there? OK, OK…Timeout!

Paul: What is it? We had 'em!

Doc: I've been told to send it CTU.

Paul: CTU? What?

Doc: Yeah, Celtics Tankjob Unit. Scal, Bassy, Kandiman, Leon, Theo…get out there!

Gerald: Theo? I thought you died.

Theo: Nah, I just couldn't get out of my house because there was too much cash in the hallway.

Scene: Aingent Bauer's Office…

Aingent Bauer: Theo? What the…? I swear to god… *slams down whiskey bottle and runs out of the room*

Vin Baker: *Pops up from behind a filing cabinet in the corner of the room, looks both ways and then grabs whiskey bottle and runs out of the room laughing*

Scene: On court with Scal about to make an inbounds pass…

Scal: *passes the ball to Bassy* Let's go, we got 14 seconds.

Bassy: *Surveys scene, but can't actually see anything because he's so short, so instead tries to make eye contact with one of the Celtics dancers* - Hey, Shortie.

Dancer: Huh, like you can talk.

…12…11…

Bassy: *bounces ball off his foot* - Oops.

Theo: *falls asleep*

…9…8…

Leon: *runs after the loose ball* - I got it!

Kandiman: *runs after the loose ball* - I got it! *Kandiman bumps heads with Leon and both fall over*

…6…5…

(Suddenly, Aingent Bauer comes running onto the court, barges everyone out of the way, picks up the ball, charges towards the hoop, ducks his shoulder into Nocioni and knocks him flying and then lays the ball up just before the buzzer sounds).

Referee: NO BASKET!

Aingent Bauer: What? No basket? I swear to god…

Referee: I said no basket.

Aingent Bauer: Why? Because I didn't bounce the ball on the way to the hoop? Because I barged the defensive player out of the way?

Referee: Nah, you're allowed to do that these days - haven't you ever seen Lebron James play?

Aingeny Bauer: So, what then?

Referee: Well…failure to report to the scorers table, illegal substitution, use of an ineligible player, six men on court, unofficial uniform…there were a fair few transgressions.

Aingent Bauer: *grabs the referee and holds a screwdriver to his eye* - Allow the basket! I swear to god, I will kill you.

Referee: OK, OK. The basket counts!

Aingent Bauer: Yes!

Referee: Right, so that's Chicago 25 Boston 2. Now, let's get on with the rest of the first quarter, shall we?

I have an eventful job at the best of times, but my latest case has been particularly challenging. My newest client came to me for help recently and she is sixty years old. You can tell that she was once beautiful and she can still be captivating, but the years have not been kind to her.

In my day to day work as a plastic surgeon, it is rare that I become so involved in a case, but there was something special about this one. (Note: Obviously I am not *really* a plastic surgeon, but if I wrote you an article based on what I currently do, you'd be asleep already).

When she first came to me, I told her that before I could do anything for her, I would need to discuss how she felt and why she needed my help. She was compelled to open up to me. In her youth, she was the hottest property around and everyone aspired to be her. Even into her late thirties, as competition heightened, she looked even better and still made everyone either love her, or be jealous of her. Then, although she still tried to look great, her rivals started to get all the success and for the last twenty years, no-one really paid her any attention.

Once she had been especially good up front, but once age started to set in, things really went south. Now several of her peers from those times were doing well for themselves again and she had even helped one of them out, without doing anything for herself.

I told her I could see how much it hurt her to see her light fade like this and asked why it had been so long until she got help. She told me that she had, in fact, had several different people over the years trying to save her. However, each of these people had made changes that were just cosmetic and not enduring. She would look good for a while, but it would only be a matter of time before staying that way became too difficult or painful a process.

First, she had suffered through a period where she saved up for several years, during which time she had looked terrible, only for the expensive treatment she had hoped for not to be available once she had enough money and so she had to obtain inferior treatment from an alternative source, which ultimately proved unsuccessful. Then, she sought help from a reckless egomaniac, who looked to provide a quick fix, only for things to start falling apart in the long run. Finally, she approached an eccentric scientist, whose experimentation relied on the elements and the necessary presence of a lightning rod, a venture which once again fell short of expectations.

"Lots of people still care about me," she said, "but I can tell how much it hurts them to see me the way I am now." She also felt ashamed that those too young to have seen her in her prime would never know how attractive she once was.

I told her that I knew I could help her. Beauty was only skin deep. If Elizabeth Taylor comes to a plastic surgeon, they don't try to recapture what physically made her so popular, but they take her back to basics and make use of some of the other aspects of her individuality. Her class, her style, her confidence, her swagger, her personality, her character. I told her that long ago, she must have possessed all these traits herself and that these were the things she could not afford to forego, if she were to be viewed in the same way she once was.

"You have the potential to be as beautiful as you ever were," I said, "it's just that you've been trying to attract the wrong sort of people". I said she should look to those who have stuck with her from the start. They would be there no matter what, and by just being herself, everyone else would also be drawn to her.

I don't know if she listened. I suspect she knew what I told her was true, but would find it hard to go back to her old ways. Even though it might bring about the end result she was working for the whole time. Mind you with the current state of the industry, I'm not even sure this could happen...

Now this clearly has nothing to do with Celtics basketball, but it really made me think...

The Celtics are lucky to be rid of the likes of Carr, Pitino and Wallace, but the NBA is in such disarray, that it is losing its most loyal fans. What I'd love to see the Celtics do - even if just for one night - is as follows:

1. Turn off the jumbotron, so the crowd can decide on their own when to "make some noise".
2. Get someone in to play the organ, preferably whoever did it "back in the day" and if anyone complains about the lack of entertainment, give their tickets to someone who would actually like to see the game.
3. Give Lucky movie tickets and tell him to go and have a good time and then wait and see if the crowd can respond to stimuli themselves instead of having to comply with some contrived chant.
4. From start of timeout to end of timeout, let the crowd cheer and see if the players respond better to that than they do to trampolining clowns firing t-shirts into the crowd.
5. Let the Celtics Dancers sit in the crowd so they can get goosebumps with the rest of us.
6. Kidnap Andy Jick from Boston College...I shouldn't get my biggest Celtics nostalgia pangs from watching BC Eagles games.

I don't know if the Celtics would listen to this advice. I suspect they would know what I told them was true, but would find it hard to go back to their old ways. Even though it might bring about the end result they were working for the whole time. Mind you with the current state of the NBA, I'm not even sure this could happen...