I am currently 0-2 against the state of Louisiana. In 2005 our five day bender in New Orleans and Baton Rouge for the ASU-LSU matchup was cancelled due to Hurricane Katrina. Over Thanksgiving weekend of 2009 we went to Baton Rouge for the Arkansas-LSU game and some epic tailgating, only to be stranded at our motel in the ghetto suburbs (are there any other surrounding BR?) due to car trouble. We arrived on campus about ten minutes after kickoff, the Hogs lost, and after a ridiculously long day and multiple cab rides to Auto Zone we decided to skip NOLA and drive straight home because we didn't want to risk further automotive issues. Less than a month after our travel plans were solidified, the BP spill happened. Last week the French Quarter caught fire. If you work in insurance, this may be a good week to get out.

Despite what are starting to appear as warnings from God, this weekend I will run headlong into my nemesis- the state of Louisiana, more specifically New Orleans, for my bachelor party. I can ask any group of idiots where to get beignets, but I need the real nitty gritty from y'all. What's the last street I can cross before almost certainly getting mugged? Who has the best specials from 7-10 a.m.? Are there any particular acts a belligerently drunk person might commit for which the cops have zero tolerance? If I absolutely, positively have to drop a deuce in the French Quarter, what is the least vile option? Only one person in our group of seven has ever spent any time in New Orleans so we could really use the help.

Other notes of interest: I'm really not in to strip clubs but I'd love to hear about a place that has a circus side-show type of appeal. We're staying near the intersection of Esplanade and Charles Street, do we need to pack heat to get to and from the Quarter? Places to eat that aren't full of tourists? Anything other than the bottom of a glass that I need to see?

We're leaving the Florida panhandle Thursday afternoon and looking for Thursday overnight options, preferably with a riverboat casino and somewhat close to NOLA since the first friend flies in to Metarie at 9-something Friday morning. Suggestions on where to stay or stop for dinner/drinks between Tallahassee and NOLA are welcome, as is your company. If you're in town this weekend and you see a 6'8" guy stumbling around, stop by and say hey.

Few have gotten fucked by the football gods quite like Dennis Dixon. After beating #4 Arizona State in week nine of the 2007 season, the undefeated Oregon Ducks jumped to #2 nationally and Dixon had thrusted himself into a front-running position for the magical stiff-arm trophy. Only USC had come within a touchdown of a dominant Duck team who was on the inside track to the MNC game with three remaining snoozers against Arizona, UCLA and Oregon State. There had been cause for concern after an awkward collision in the ASU game and it all came crashing down during a non-contact play on that fateful Thursday night in Tucson. Dixon tore his ACL and the Ducks lost the rest of their regular season games to the WIldcats, Bruins, and Beavers. They fell from within 60 minutes of the crystal football and landed all the way down in the Sun Bowl in El Paso. 

Let's be clear- I'm no Duck fan, in fact I've been watching them run up the score on my alma mater for six straight lopsided seasons. While frustrating, watching Dennis Dixon operate the zone-read offense was was like watching Wayne Gretzky skate for the Oilers: a graceful gazelle amidst a sea of violent, lumbering rhinoceroses. Only the truest of haters- the Silky Johnston level guys that hate the Yankees, Tiger Woods, and LeBron James- couldn't enjoy Dennis Dixon under center in his college days. 

Dixon still got drafted on his amazing potential and athleticism, but it was the run-heavy Steelers led by Ben Roethlisberger- a relatively young, Super Bowl winning franchise quarterback entrenched as a starter. Despite a professionally gloomy placement, Dixon saw limited playing time last year due to injury but now that Big Ben can't keep his pee-pee to himself the gods are beginning to give back.

Roethlisberger's six-game suspension could be the window Dixon needs to establish himself as a legitimate NFL starting quarterback, an escape hatch out of the talented yet perpetual backup club formerly headed by Aaron Rodgers. He'll be given an opportunity afforded to few- an NFL audition with little possibility of a quick hook. Even if he isn't able to survive Roethlisberger's return in week seven, he'll at least have received the chance to establish himself as a desirable candidate for a trade or free agent signing to a team that operates an offense better suited to his talent.

So ball on, baller. Go get all tom Brady on 'em and don't look back.