Big 12 looks east, way east, adds school

By BHNP, Black Heart Gold Pants wire service reporter

In a surprise announcement, the Big 12 Conference announced early Monday morning that Libya's Benghazi University had accepted an invitation to join the athletic association. The Benghazi University Rebels will begin conference play in the fall of 2012. 

In a far-reaching and, until now, secret process, the Big 12 has completed a series of high-risk moves that could alter the college sports landscape forever

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One man, wreathed in a column of light cast by a single lamp, worries away at his keyboard.

"I take ... my role ... as a contributor ... serious..."

RING-RING, RING-RING.

"Hello. Cardiac Hill offices. This is OaklandZoo12 speaking. Hugandkiss? No. We have no one here by that name and I don't know anybody named Amanda. I think you may have the wrong number. Good day."

CLICK

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Hey gang: This turned up in my inbox last night. It looks kind of serious. What do you think? Thanx ~ BHNP.

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Note: Remember "Thinking of Nov. 26?" It had some pretty glaring errors which I should have caught. Mea culpa. Let's try this again. Thanx. BHNP.

BHGP'ers!

It seems as if Lord Delany's plans are bearing fruit. A new rival, the Nebraska Cornhuskers, is gathering strength on our southwest border. Our beloved Hawkeyes will meet them on -- Let's make sure I get it right this time -- Nov. 25 in Lincoln. What a day! Leftover turkey and the evisceration of Taylor Martinez. Surely the football gods favor us.

But that's not all. The Big 10's regular season comes to a close on Nov. 26, a Saturday. Check out this slate of games: Wisconsin v. Penn State, Minnesota v. Illinois, Indiana v. Purdue, Michigan State v. jNWU and Ohio State v. Michigan. What a weekend! (Note: Indiana v. Purdue may contain artificial football flavoring only.)

The idea all along has been to make that last weekend of games a showcase for The Greatest College Football Conference in America. If the season plays out to form some of these games could serve as unofficial semifinals for the Big 10 title game, including a certain contest played on the wrong side of the Missouri (You may not like the guy, but I recall reading recently that Tom Dienhart thinks a 9-0 start is possible for the Hawks. Dust off your swagger, or throw up in your mouth. Your choice.)

Thanksgiving 2011 will be our War of the Titans. We'll be there, 4Loko in hand, watching it all play out. But, believe it or not, these games will need to be sold to the rest of the American sports-viewing public. If there's anything America does better than violence as entertainment, it's corporate marketing-speak to scare up some dollars and, in this case, eyeballs.

The sloganeering is on the way, do not doubt this. Think Super Sunday, Taco Tuesday, or Wife Swap Winter Solstice. If Big 10 honchos have a say -- and they will -- expect something so anodyne-as-to-be-offensive such as Legends and Leaders. Which group is Iowa in again? Our rival is Purdue? Whatever. We know it's going to suck donkey junk and surely will be mocked by the rest of Blogistan. So my question to you, Super Friends*, is how do you want this weekend sold to the wider world?

I'll post a few choices of my own below. My list is by no means exclusive. If you like something better, let's hear it.

*Yes, Rambler, you can be Solomon Grundy.

(Another belated bump. -- RB)

From the desk of J. Delany

Dear subjects sports fans:

I want you to sit down, shut up, and listen to what I have to say, you animals hope to borrow a few moments of what I know is a busy Fourth of July weekend and share with you an update of what’s brewing in my big brain around the Big 10.

First, let’s all welcome Nebraska to the premiere sports league in America! Do you smell pig shit? That’s Lincoln! The Huskers’ proud tradition of sporting excellence, academic integrity except for Lawrence Phillips, and cultural diversity runza anyone? are sure to add only positives to our tradition of greatness on and off the fields of play and I just bought every school a lead-pipe lock win against the Huskers in men’s hoops. Don’t fuck this up, Iowa.

So what’s next? A great fall sports season in which we add a new exciting chapter to the story of Big 10 football, the brightest jewel in our sporting crown. I will personally castrate the first coach to lose to a non-BCS school. Records will fall, legends will be born and a champion will rise in our first-ever Big 10 title game. God help me, if Indiana and Northwestern are in the title game I may have to step in front of a bus.

And for the future? Let’s just say that as commissioner, I consider it my primary duty to look over the horizon in search of opportunities for future growth. That’s my promise to you. Operation Kodiak, the invasion of Ontario and Quebec, launches from Detroit on Aug. 1. Speed is of the essence! If we can capture Toronto, Montreal and Ottawa by the time winter sets in, the whole nation will fall into my hands. Then all of North America will tremble at my might! Could hockey be in our future? Who knows! Hockey. Let's watch Minnesota fuck this up.

Thank you for your time. Illinois fans have all the time in the world. Ever been there? Listen carefully and you can hear banjo music on the wind. I shit you not, it’s Chicago surrounded by Kentucky. That’s why the Windy City didn’t get the football championship. It doesn’t do to have your fans waylaid and sodomized by hillbillies on the roads leading into town, Don’t laugh, Wisconsin. Anything less than a BCS berth and Bielema gets the Jimmy Hoffa treatment. I trust all of you are as excited as I am about the future. On Aug. 1 my next steps toward world domination begin! Let us strike like the vengeful blood gods of old!

Onward and upward! And enough about Legends and Leaders, Vint. I know where you live.

Yours Fear me

James Mr Big Dick Delany

 P.S. Consider them rolled!

I'm on vacation this week and as such I get out of bed about 11. I rub the sleep out of my eyes, wander down to the kitchen to get some hazelnut going and step outside to see if we still have a garden after last night's deluge. I'm examining my tomato plants (doing fine, thanks for asking) when I remember, "It's Iowa Day!"

Back inside I pick out a pear and dish up some greek yogurt to go with my coffee. I sit down in my chair, click the TV to the Big 10 Network and dig in to breakfast. Somewhere after my first spoonful of strawberry and honey goodness I hear a piano playing -- is that "Back Home Again In Indiana?" Must be a commercial.

Some coffee, a bit more yogurt, a bite of pear and a nibble on a whole-grain Wasa cracker. Who's this old codger on the tube? And why is he talking about engineering? Wait a sec, is that Purdue?

Folks, it turns out we've been hoodwinked. Iowa Day is worthy only of half a day on the Big Sham Network. And instead of tales of yore about Gable, Kinnick and Lickliter, I got Our Most Hated Rivals talking about science and other egghead shit.

I want to hear about the greatest athlete of all time going unscored upon at Munich. Who is this Neil Armstrong? What did he ever do?

Do you think Indianians and Purdooites would enjoy watching a documentary on the KKK during the Indiana and Purdue days? No, some of them would not. Why do we put up with this insult? This just about put me off of my breakfast/lunch. That's how upset I was.

Iowa Day is for Iowans, Big 10 Network. EYE-OH-AHNS. It's bad enough when football officials conspire against us each year when we play Northwestern. It's migraine-inducing when other Big 10 wrestlers are allowed to stall their way to victory against our all-conquering Hawks. At least give us a whole day on our day. THIS WILL NOT BE FORGOTTEN!

I can't wait for the next Ohio State Day, when we get to watch specials about Art Schlichter, Desmond Howard, and the Cuyahoga River Fire.

Thanks for nothing, dicks.

Is this the best they’ve got? Hope not

By Chuck Cashmun

LINCOLN -- Breathe, Iowa wrestling fans, the first win of the season is out of the way. But be warned: There may be little easy breathing this season.

The BHBIGS wrestling team opened its schedule with a buttery sweet 37-6 victory over Corn Nation. Outclassed at every weight, the Cornholioes offered up a spread of hors d’oeuvres (pronounced “horse doovers” west of the Missouri River) to their visiting Iowa guests.

The Unicorns -- Or is it Bats? Pick a mascot and go with it, troops -- won 8 of 10 weights, and never looked to be in any real danger. The trouble -- and don’t kid yourself, trouble is always just around the bend -- is when one considers the long-term prospects of this squad. From Larchwood to Keokuk and New Albin to Hamburg, wrestling is an Iowa thang. Iowans live it, breathe it and understand it the way a Frenchman understands fine dining and rude manners. BHBIGS fans have a palate that can grasp the complexities of championship effort.

So, did you see championship effort on Sunday, or did you see “just good enough” against a squad of pushers and shovers who are Big 10-grade in name only? Don’t kid yourself. A 37-6 win looks great on the ESPN ticker, but never forget it came at the expense of the Directional Illinois of collegiate blog wrestling.

Here’s a guess: Coach Brands understands full well that his kids aren’t yet up to the task, but instead of saying what he really felt, he chose to exercise some new-found diplomacy skills with the media after the match.

“We came out, jumped out to a big lead, seemed like some of our guys were distracted by other things, but we have something we can go off of now, competition wise,” said Brands in an apparent attempt to say everything and nothing in one looping run-on sentence. “We can be more intense, we can score more points, we need more intensity. It was good to go against someone in a different colored singlet finally. That bulls#!^ with the ref, well, I'll take care of that at the bike racks, so that'll be a non-story.”

It’s nice to see he’s got a little of his brothers in him, aggression-wise, but he couldn’t bring himself to fully smooth over the rough patches. Distracted? More intensity? Bulls#!^? What gives? Where’s the Iowa we know and love? Where’s the aggression, the intimidation, the “oh no, you don’t” attitude that has for so long defined wrestling in the Land Between Two Rivers? It wasn’t there on Sunday, that’s for sure.

Wrestling is not the NBA, where a team has the luxury of months to prepare for the post-season. In wrestling you go hard all the time, every time. To be soft, or give anything less than 110 percent, is inexcusable. To show anything less than supreme effort is to invite pain, much like throwing chum into the middle of a school of sharks and jumping in for a swim. “Just good enough” is just not good enough.

The exclamation point on the evening? RossWB’s loss to Grixxly at 165. Grixxly is the real deal, an Iowa tough guy straight from the Dan Gable template. Rugged, physical, fearless, aggressive: This is an Iowa wrestler. Instead, he took his talents south to Lincoln, where the beaches are scarce but there are victories to be had.

While Grixxly looked the part, RossWB looked distracted. Maybe life in Minnesota has made him soft, but WB looked as if he wanted to be anywhere else but center stage. In fact, it looked as if he was searching the stands for someone. Is this the best Ross has got? I hope not, because on Sunday he wasn’t fit to put on the unicorn (Or is it bats? I forget).

Take in schedule, if you dare. The Unicorns have to battle through the cut and thrust of the Big 10’s best, with dates against bruisers such as Iowa State and at Oklahoma State sprinkled in for flavor. At this point, next weekend’s tie with Boise is no sure thing. In short, the schedule is a murderer’s row of the best in the sport that would put even the best to the test.

Is BHBIGS the best, or one of the rest? Have an answer? Do you want an honest answer?

It’s wrestling season, wrestling fans. Has a season of pain arrived?

###

Chuck Cashmun has been an observer of major college and professional sports for more than 30 years. He is the author of “Technically Fair: The Autobiography of Ted Valentine,” and in 2009 won the John Feinstein Award for quality reporting of ACC men’s basketball. Correspondence to Cashmun will be answered in this space.

What in the hell is going on in Iowa City? This isn’t an angry rhetorical question. I truly don’t know what in the hell is going on with the football program. I was up to speed through the DJK court visit. Got sidetracked by work, family stuff and lots of shoveling (lots of $#@*&^! shoveling). Sit down to my computer today with a piping hot cup of good morning America, visit my second favorite website, and find that it’s like Apocalypse Now down at the Iowa football offices.

What the hell? Have I jumped off the fun train, or do we have a dumpster fire on our hands? Can someone get me up to speed? ’Preciate it.

That's where Illinois and jNWU will be playing.

There’s a rumor floating around the Interwebz that only one end zone will be used. Why? Because of the GIGANTIC FUCKING BRICK WALL along the back of one of the end zones. Immovable pieces of masonry are a hazard to players, I guess.

(Ed. Note -- rumor confirmed.  They're only using one end zone tomorrow.  -- Ross)

So, if this true, teams will be driving into one end zone the whole game, switching sides after each possession. You know, kind of like the games you used to play in your back yard. Old Man Johnson’s fence got in the way, so you always drove toward the Hanson house.

Remember the time you tricked your friend into believing that a vampire lived in the basement of the Hanson house? Remember how you snuck in that one time and your friend got so scared he peed in his pants? Man, childhood was fun.

I would have posted this on the venting thread but the mood over there was a bit like a paranoid schizophrenic who had gone off his meds. Someone was gonna end up with an axe in the back of his head and I didn’t want it to be me.

Saturday’s game just about summed up the entire season: Occasionally good, occasionally bad, ultimately not good enough. Big plays on offense? Yep. Dropped balls and bad decisions? Yep. Timely defensive stops? Yep. 10-yard cushions on 5-yard routes and shaky tacking? Yep. Grab bag of shit on special teams? Not so much, strangely enough.

I’m not calling for a house-cleaning of the coaching staff and I will not single out any players, but Saturday’s output (as well as the season’s) was not good enough. This is not an Outback Bowl team. This is a BCS-caliber team. Aside from Wisconsin (which looks like Zhukov’s war machine at the gates of Berlin), the Hawks have been roughed up by a collection of has-beens and never-will-bees. Watching jNWU flounder at the Motor City Bowl will not make me feel better about what happened on Saturday.

Iowa has to learn to play with a target on its back. To do that will require a different approach and attitude by players and coaches. The Fightin’ Fitzgeralds didn’t sneak up on Iowa. Indiana (not a loss, but damn close) didn’t sneak up on Iowa. Arizona didn’t sneak up on Iowa. In each case the Hawks knew what to expect in terms of play calling and intensity. In two of the three the Hawks got beat. That’s just not good enough. Players and coaches shortchange themselves with efforts like the collective endgame clusterfuck put out on Saturday.

Do Big 10 refs suck? Yes. Has jNWU (Hat tip: Oops Pow Jacobi) become Iowa’s one-game-season nemesis? Yes. Have the Hawks learned to adjust? No. And ~ I want this to be crystal clear ~ Iowa will not be taken seriously on the national stage until it learns to consistently win the games it should. Alabama doesn’t sweat Vanderbilt. Iowa can’t play jNWU without losing its wallet, watch and keys. Fix this.

What’s next? I don’t know. We may see a win next Saturday. The Hawks may also be on the receiving end of an ass whupping. Why? Because Ohio State comes to play, an attitude the Hawks would do well to imitate. Iowa ends the year with a scrimmage against Minnesota and then it’s off to Orlando or wherever.

Yahoo.

P.S. ~ Dear jNWU fans, all seven of you.

You won Saturday. Job well done. Break out that bottle of Chateau Montelena Cabernet Sauvignon 1997 and then beat the maid because she didn’t starch your collars properly. What? She’s pregnant with your baby? Looks like Persa isn’t the only one who knows how to score. Amiright? Up top!

Just remember this: Some season you, too, will feel the magic. A Big Ten title game shot, maybe even a spot in the national championship game, will be waiting for you. When that day comes, Iowa will be waiting. And the Hawks will bend you over and fuck you with a rusty spoon. Count on it.

P.P.S ~ The baby is Purdue’s and I pissed in the sauvignon.

Got a phone call from a friend this afternoon who was traveling to Chicago for the weekend. We got to talking about what to drink in Chicago (we both like Goose Island), and talk soon turned to harder stuff. My supplies are low, I've only got half a bottle of Absolut. He has a bit of this and that, including a few fingers of Bombay Sapphire and he isn't sure how it got into his house.

Then he told me he's been enjoying rye as of late. And Iowa has this ... What's it called? Um ... Temple? Ton? Yeah. That's it. Templeton.

He lives in Minnesota. Can't get it there. But it is stocked in Chicago. Would any of you fine ladies and gents know where he might find it in the Windy City?

God, does today suck or what?

Iowa does not play Saturday, and that leaves me with a cold pit of sadness in my heart. I'm not kidding. Football, Iowa football especially, is like having Christmas 12 days a year ~ 13 days if you're a good little boy. You never know what you get ~ sometimes you get a lump of coal ~ but you can't wait to find out. 

There's other football, you say? True. But it's just not the same. My high school team is an automatic 8 or 9 wins a year. At this point, the only questions are how many teams the boys will pummel by the 35-point rule and how far they can make it in the playoffs (Four, so far, and state semifinals, I'd say, in case you were interested). I love the NFL, but NFL seasons are endured more than they are enjoyed. You fret about injuries, suspensions, terrible officiating, your QB texting dong pictures to Jenn Sterger ~ the list goes on an on. It's almost like an abusive relationship with the sexiest woman in the world (No. That's not a cigarette burn on my inner thigh. Why do you ask?).

Watch other teams? Sure, for a while, but for some reason my attention wanders when Stanzi and Co aren't involved. And to be honest, Mrs. No Pants doesn't tolerate much sports watching that doesn't involve my teams. I've got, like, eight favorite teams in various sports and none of them are playing Saturday. So what's a guy to do? Help me out.

Courtesy of the Chicago Tribune, it looks as if we may learn the Big 10's realignment plan as soon as Wednesday. Take it away, Teddy Greenstein:

"Remember the 30-to-45 day timetable Commissioner Jim Delany laid out regarding the announcement of Big Ten divisions?

Well, Wednesday marks Day 30. And sources indicate the league is ready to move."

A guess as to how it shakes out? Ohio State and Michigan play with each other every week, as that seems to be what they want to do.

Hit the link:

Things aren't looking so good on the Wegher front, according to ESPN. Via Adam Rittenberg

"Iowa is moving on without sophomore running back Brandon Wegher.

Hawkeyes head coach Kirk Ferentz told ESPN.com on Thursday that Wegher still isn't practicing with the team and has given no indication that he will return for the 2010 season. Wegher, who had 641 rushing yards and 967 all-purpose yards as a freshman last season, opened preseason camp with Iowa but left the team several days later for undisclosed personal reasons.

"He isn't here, and we have to operate as if he's not going to be here this year," Ferentz told ESPN.com. "He may return sometime during the year, he may not and he may never come back. Right now, we have to move forward, and I'm just hopeful that he'll immerse himself in his classes and keep moving forward academically.

"If he chooses to come back, that'd be wonderful, but we've had a lot of time elapse."

Wither Wegher?

Interesting thread on sports journalism and the asking of hard questions. I had a reply to one question that quickly became post length.

So here goes:

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Be joining us for 2010-11.

According to the Associated Press, Brennan Cougill has been ruled academically ineligible for the upcoming season. It looks as if he's going to take his all-conquering four points and three rebounds per game to Kirkwood C.C. If all goes as planned he'll be back the year after. Watch out, DMACC! Be ready to taste pain! And what does pain taste like? Chocolate chip ice cream and Dr. Pepper flavored Magic Shell. And domination. It tastes like domination. And ice cream. And sweat.