It's certainly been an exciting time around 24 Willie Mays Plaza the last couple of weeks. The trading deadline is the best time of the year to be a GM. If you're a good one, that is, one who can keep his team in contention year after year, never allowing them to play hardly any meaningless games, and generally being excellent in just about every respect. The deadline is a time when a GM can really define himself, and you know, help his team get better, too. I think we've gotten better so far, that's for sure. And the hate letters from the Accardo Fringe barely filled one of those big, grey postal bags yesterday, IIRC.

I don't like to tell too many people this, but I fancy myself a bit of a writer. I've actually been working on a novel for the last 12 years or so, and a screenplay for the last 6 or 7 years. I'm concentrating more on the screenplay recently. It's Die Hard in an old folks home. See, it's Father's Day, and our hero, this grizzled cop (think Bruce Willis) is there with his son, a young cop (think Jake Gyllenhaal), to visit the kid's grandpa, who this really, old retired cop (think Jack Palance, only still living). So these tough as nails cops run afoul of these bloodthirsty terrorists, who are there to kidnap the president's mom, who they plan to hold hostage until...

Wait, I'm getting way off the subject. My point is, I've got a little bit of experience as a writer. So I know from whence I speak when I say that the only way I could accurately describe the scene in our trading bunker before the trading deadline, is to just go with my natural talent:

INT. WAR ROOM - NIGHT

It's late. Three men sit around a dimly lit table. They're tired, their shoulders slumped, heads hung low. Half-empty cups of coffee and smoking ashtrays litter the table. PETER MAGOWAN (60s), worldly yet kind, a tough, but fair CEO-type, sips some coffee and sighs. LARRY BAER (50s), a sniveling, greasy, worm of a man, whines to Magowan like a woman.

BAER: "Maybe we should just give up and rebuild, Peter. We're a .500 team and no little moves will fix that. Let's hold onto our young arms, maybe trade Schmidt and Durham for position prospects. A couple of good Free Agent signings next year and we could be a contender again."

MAGOWAN: "Trade away the veterans? What would the partners say?"

BAER: "They'd understand. The run is over."

DEEP, GRIZZLED VOICE (O.S.): "Over? It ain't over."

A MYSTERY MAN lurks in the shadow. He takes a long draw off his cigarette, then leans forward in his chair, EMERGING FROM THE SHADOWS to reveal --

BRIAN SABEAN (40ish), a hulking, robust, ruggedly handsome man, with a dynamic shock of hair and two extra helpings of charisma. Imploring his comrades, he's a modern day Braveheart...meets Jack Black.

SABEAN: "It's not over until we say it is. I mean, sure, we could just sit on our hands, or trade away our free agents and start our inevitable rebuilding program. But that could take years, and cost millions of lives."

BAER: "Lives? What are you talking about, Brian?"

MAGOWAN: "Forget it, he's rolling."

SABEAN: "We all know this division is ripe for the taking, so let's grab it by the balls and squeeze. Isn't that what we do?!" (stands) "What the hell happened to the Giants I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh? Ooh, we're afraid to go with you, Brian, we might delay the rebuilding process. Well, kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this. Josh Byrnes, he's a dead man! Towers, dead! Colletti..."

MAGOWAN: (stands, inspired) "Dead! Brian's right. Psychotic, and a bit butch, but absolutely right. We're right in this thing. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really gutsy and reckless trade be done on somebody's part to risk mortgaging the future in one last vainglorious attempt to bring home a championship."

SABEAN: (grins, his eyes wild with passion) "And we're just the guys to do it."

BAER: (jumps up, excited) "LET'S DO IT!"

SABEAN/MAGOWAN: (in unison) "Sit down, Larry."

*registered property of Writer's Guild of America, West. All rights reserved

Yep, that's how the dynamic Hillenbrand deal was done by moi, yours truly. I should say, this is only based on the true story, so you know, some artistic licence may, or may not (or may) have been taken. But it's a thrill ride, huh? I can't wait to write my memoirs, lots of juicy stuff in there, brother, lemme tell ya. In fact, I think there could be a great biopic made out of my career - a sassy, but serious look behind the curtain of big league management. Something in the vein of Major League meets Good Night and Good Luck. Sends chills up my spine just thinking about it. It's too bad I'm already busy working on next summer's blockbuster, must-see actiontastic explodaganza.

Anyway, I don't plan to sit on my laurels and bask in the glory of a well played deal. There's still a week before the dealine and we already have our ears to the ground, sniffing out other options which could improve the club and cement my reputation as a legend in this industry. We're thinking out of the box, and are kicking the tires on several deals as we speak, even a blockbuster or two, so hopefully I'll be back along to explain how I did my bad thing again before too long. I really think that maybe we can land a real stretch drive asset, which could be something to hang our hat on at the end of the day. That'll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning, at least a week or so, huh? That ought to be a nice change for some of you.

I know the actual midway point isn't until Saurday, but I have some good reasons for being a couple of days early with the mid-season report:

1. I'm wicked fired up about this 11-game road trip against the NL West and I couldn't wait to talk about it.
   
2. I thought I'd knock it out now while I'm near a computer, so I can spend the weekend down in SD surfing with Tidrow, and getting baked... By the sun, of course.
   
3. Dusty always said this was the most important stretch of the year - the 10 or so games right before the All-Star break. He likened it to the last two minutes of the 1st half in college basketball - a good or bad run there changes the entire momentum of the game/season.

So here goes...

Look, I've had some fun with you guys, and I know my jokularity probably bothers some of you - especially the guys who are always calling for my head. About that: enough already, we get it - you want me gone. Point made. If you don't shut up soon, I think Natto will have to edit his dead horse drawing and replace "Thighler weight jokes" with "Fire Sabes comments". I also know some of you don't believe that this is the real me, that's it's just some schmuck using me for his screenname. To those people, I can only say that you are lame. L-A-M-E. But because I sense a little more testiness circulating than there used to be around here, I'm going to try and play this one straight. And there's nothing straighter than the ol' 5 Keys To Win gag.

These are the achievable keys to the 2nd half of the season which I believe can allow us to win the NL West and get an invite to the big dance with a puncher's chance to make a run:

1. Moises Alou stays healthy. (I know, but it could happen.)
   
2. Durham and Bonds bring up their averages to closer to their career norms - their secondary averages are already fine. (And you thought I didn't look at stats.)
   
3. I acquire a decent right-handed bat to play 1B without giving away the future of the franchise. (I wouldn't hold your breath on this one, but have you tried the Niekroolaid recently? Pretty tasty.)
   
4. In the rotation, we get the Noah Lowry we saw yesterday, and the Schmidt, Morris and Cain of the last month or so. (I don't see why not.)
   
5. The biggest one of all: The team plays well on the upcoming trip, winning at least 6 games, and establishing positive momentum heading into the break. (What I'm really hoping for is 2000 Redux. That year, the team was 38-38 on on June 30th before winning 8 of their last 9 before the break. After the break, the club won 5 of 6 right out of the chute, and ended up 97-65, the best record in baseball. Yesterday, the team was 38-38. Coincidence? You decide.)

Now I'm not saying if we have a good trip you should start printing up playoff tickets, but let me put it this way: I have a plaque on my wall with the number of meaningless games since I've been GM engraved on it, and I don't plan on taking that thing into the engravers to have it changed again this year. All I ask from you is a little positivity - a little hope, a little faith. If you all can stop making fun of me and calling for my head, I promise I won't trade Sanchez, Cain and/or Accardo for the ghost of Greg Colbrunn. Sound good? Alright then, it's agreed... Manlaw!

Poll

How awesome do you think I am?

9%

Totally awesome

3 votes

6%

Very awesome

2 votes

16%

Pretty awesome

5 votes

35%

Still awesome, but not as awesome as you used to be

11 votes

32%

Just the fact that you even care about what we lowly fans think enough to ask shows what a completely awesome and benevolent leader you really are

10 votes

31 votes | Poll has closed

Well folks, here we are at the Quarter Pole of the 2006 season, so I thought I'd address the current state of the team. First of all, I'd like to appologize for the bullpen. Their performance has been unacceptable and disgraceful, and you can look forward to several experienced veterans being acquired to replace the inconsistent youngsters we've run out there. As for the starting pitching and hitting, I think that's been pretty damn good, don't you?

I know, .500 is not what we all were rooting for, but I want to remind you all that as long as we can stay in the race and get all our horses healthy, we'll be in a position for a strong stretch drive. And, as always, I am prepared to go out and get us that missing piece that will bring a long-awaited World Series Championship to San Francisco!

Now I know the idea of trading away more prospects may scare you, and that some of you already have your panties all in a twist over the Twins starting two of our former phenoms (Liriano and Bonser) this weekend against the Brewers. But I want to assure you that I have identified the crown jewels in our farm system, and I will NOT be trading them away this time. So let me make this crystal clear: Brian Cooper and Matt Kinney are not going anywhere. They are untouchable. Everyone else, however, will be on the block.

I also know from monitoring all the message boards that some you feel that I may have lost touch with the fan base and what they want. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, sometimes, after games, I like to visit various local SF bars to take the temperature of the fans, see what they think of the team, kick their tires as it were.

My favorite place is this biker bar in the Castro called The Ramrod. The guys there are SO cool. They all dress in leather and chains and cool stuff like that. Some of them are really out there, too. Like this one guy who wears chains around his body attached to him with nipple clamps. Crazy, huh? And this other guy wears a pair of assless chaps and nothing else. Wild. It's kinda weird, though -- for bikers they don't seem to know that much about biking. I asked one guy what kind of motorcycle he rode, and he had no idea what I was talking about. Although, later, he did offer to give me a long ride on his hog. He said he could go all night if that's the way I liked it. Nice guy, huh? A little handsy, but nice nonetheless.

Anyway, I digress. My point is that I have my ear to the pavement, and am still very much in touch with the desires of the commoners -- you guys. So, have no worries, Giants fans, the organization is in good hands, and I believe special things are just around the corner.

Thank you for your support.

Sincerely,
Brian Sabean

In the interest of letting us all get to know each a little better, I thought I'd open up and tell everybody a little bit about myself. I hope some of you will follow this up with your own profiles. It could be pretty cool, like on the first day of school or summer camp when all the kids would announce their names and tell everybody some details from their life. Ah, just talking about that brings back some great memories. Also, some sad ones. Like when that one counselor took me out behind the trailers to play that secret touching game. Man, what a bummer. Now I'm all in a bad mood and shit.

Oh well, I'll try and push on through. Here's me in a nutshell:

TURN-ONS

I love grey hair, wrinkled skin, and the smell of Ben Gay. I also have a penchant for single-malt scotch, clove cigarettes, and the music of Joe Walsh. I've been known to spend an entire day walking on the beach or curled up in front of a crackling fire watching German porn.

TURN-OFFS

I hate rap music, impressionist paintings, and kids. I also have no patience for telemarketers, sportswriters, or Shakira. Because my job as GM for the Giants forces me to travel quite a bit, I've come to hate air travel, hotels, and such cities as Milwaukee (no nightlife), Houston (too ghetto), and Miami (way too many Hispanics).

DREAMS

When I was little I wanted to be a congressman. It just seemed so cool to stand around in a suit and argue about stuff all day. But, as Mick said so eloquently, "You can't always get what you want". Instead, I went into baseball and never looked back. And man, what a ride it's been. But as I get older, I want more out of life. I dream of circumnavigating the globe in a twin-engine Cessna, climbing Mt. Kilamenjaro, and skydiving naked. I think about giving it all up and backpacking around Europe, or taking a year or two off just to chill out in Nepal somewhere and write poetry.

Someday, Brian. Someday.

Dear McCovey Chronicles Readers,

Hey, how y'all doin'? Listen, I'm a big fan of the site, I read it all the time, and I try not to speak out too much or let some of the less, shall we say, "sophisticated" commenters rattle my cage too much. But, while I expect some sour grapes after a tough loss like the one we took today, I'm sensing a whole lot of negativity and I want to stem the tide before we get too far along. See, in a clubhouse, negativity can spread like a cancer -- or, as I like to call it, an "A.J." And while I don't want to point fingers at anybody, I think certain people are causing some morale problems around here (I'm looking at you, E).

Now, I know the bullpen has been, well, not so dominant thus far. And Pedro Feliz has struggled a teensy weensy bit out of the gate. And I'm sure the sight of Jason Schmidt gunning 89 mph fastballs two feet from their intended target doesn't have you feeling very confident right now. But that's baseball, baby. This too shall pass. It's early. We're in first place. Barry's hitting bombs off Billy Freaking Wagner. The sun is shining, birds are chirping, and the smell of garlic fries waft eternal. Life is good. It's baseball season, try to enjoy it a little. Jeez.

So, anyway, with that thought in mind, I thought I'd hit you with a little wisdom, courtesy of one of the great American novelists, and an ordinary old gal with a great heart:

"My uncle Alex Vonnegut, a Harvard-educated life insurance salesman who lived at 5033 North Pennsylvania Street, taught me something very important. He said when things are going really well we should be sure to notice it.

He was talking about simple occasions, not great victories: maybe drinking lemonade on a hot afternoon in the shade, or smelling the aroma of a nearby bakery, or fishing and not caring if we catch anything or not, or hearing somebody all alone playing a piano really well in the house next door.

Uncle Alex urged me to say this out loud during such epiphanies: 'If this isn't nice, what is?'"

--KURT VONNEGUT, 'TIMEQUAKE'

"If I had my life to live over again, I'd dare to make more mistakes next time. I'd relax, I would limber up. I would be sillier than I have been this trip. I would take fewer things seriously. I would take more chances. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I would have fewer imaginary ones.

You see, I'm one of those people who live sensibly and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I've had my moments, and if I had to do it over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day. I've been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat and a parachute. If I had to do it again, I would travel lighter than I have.

If I had my life to life over, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would go to more dances. I would ride more merry-go-rounds. I would pick more daisies."

--NADINE STAIR, 85 YEARS OLD, LOUSIVILLE, KENTUCKY

There, doesn't that give you a little bit of perspective? I hope so. Ungrateful sons of bitches. How many meaningless games have we had since I've been here? Like 15 or something redonkulous like that? Gimme a freakin' break, already. We compete, baby. That's what it's all about -- making the summer interesting. Wait 'til I'm gone and you guys are finishing 4th behind the Rockies. You'll be all pissed off and looking for a scapegoat, but you won't have Brian Sabean to kick around anymore. No, sirree, Bob. Then I'll be having the last laugh. Ha!

So, come on, now! Let's get our positivity going! If the fans get behind us and a few breaks fall our way, and we stay away from any major injuries, and a couple of people step up with career years, and another couple reverse the aging process, I think we have a legitimate shot at taking the division and then losing quietly in the first round of the playoffs. Sound good? Alright then.

Go Giants!

Yours truly, blah, blah, blah,

Brian Sabean