SB Nation User Blog: Cairo

The Hate Don't Stop: INDIANA WEEK

Cairo — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 00:22:57 -0000

So, it's a letdown. Whatev'. Whatever your gripes, I doubt few of you traveled a thousand miles to see only your second game at the Beav in the last five years, then watch a game where the best pressure put on a Buckeye was when the Lion chased around O$U's mascot with a nutcracker during a TV timeout. Guess what? I'm dealing and so can you. Moping is for Sundays and drinking is its cure. I'm throwing a little pre-hate hate at people who think this "is over," whatever that means. I see PSU football on the schedule on Saturday and I know it's one of only three times between now and September 2010 that they're playing. Do you realize how far away September 2010 is from now? We'll start buying flying cars and thinking spandex unitards are a socially acceptable fashion statement by then.

I don't care what it says about us as fans and I don't care about the schedule, because we absolutely, positively, MUST be happy with a 10-win season. We're not delusional like Nebraska in 2003, we're not in denial like Notre Dame fans in 2009, and we're still not mentally challenged like Ohio State fans in everyplace. We ARE the same fans that would have killed for a 10-win season just five years ago. We ARE the same fans that care that our players are representing the University with class. We ARE realizing that these kids are doing us proud and that 10 wins means two more beatdowns in the regular season. We ARE Penn State and that means WE ARE HATE. HATE WEEK INDIANA BEGINS NOW!

The Breakdown:

WHO

Fun fact: Lou Holtz and Benjamin Harrison have the same hair. Probably from the same barber in South Bend.
Source: Indiana Department of Getting a Tourist in the State.

WHO: Indiana. Commonly regarded as "Illinois Little Sister", is a small state, with small dreams, small expectations, and small regard for football. Maybe this is why they have three programs in Ball State, Indiana, and Notre Dame that have collectively won a Hawaii Bowl and a MAC divisional title over the past fifteen years. No one remembers Purdue because Purdue is utterly forgettable. We are looking specifically this week in Bloomington, the home of the Indiana University Hoosiers. Bloomington has a great reputation as a party school, which reminds me of a time back in school when I was on the phone with a friend at Oklahoma State University. We'd had a playful debate a few weeks earlier about which school was a bigger party school and left it at that. This time around, I absently remarked I was going to a party that night and she said, "Cool, what's the occasion?"

I was speechless-truly dumbfounded at the entire concept of the question. I cradled the phone silently for a few moments before flatly saying, "If you have to have an occasion to have a party, then you aren't at a party school."

I know nothing about Indiana as a party school, but if they have occasions, then they are hosts to the biggest, fakest, lamest parties ever. Like a sausage-fest multiplied by a hundred, but with no TV nor beer.

If their coach was a West German music act from the late ‘70s/early ‘80s:

I'll admit, I'm a little sold.
Source: Snippet from the weekly Indiana Football Story.

The fifth in a six-part series. Remember how Tressel recruits from last week? Well, this is what Indiana has to do to get a one-star recruit to come to their program. Head coach Bill Lynch is the one in the middle with the flowing red cape.

WHAT

Boogity Boogity.
Source: The Dark Recesses of my Mind.

WHAT: The Streak. Cue the Lee Corso pics, because it's true: Penn State is batting 1.000 against Indiana all-time. No matter how bad it's gotten, no matter how upsetting our upsets, no matter how much nor how little there was to play for, there is always Indiana who's good for a W. In a goalline stand that Alabama Crimson Tide fans arguably claim is the greatest of all-time, the 2004 Nittany Lions held the Indiana Hoosiers as time expired to win their first Big Ten game of the season and begin their '05 run. Losing now would not only be a monumental embarrassment (heck, even the '04 squad managed it) it would mean an end to the greatest conference streak in the history of life.

WHERE

Not this week. That's a future Indiana "home" game.
Source: IU Athletic Director.

WHERE: In State College, silly.

WHEN

Who am I? Why am I here?

WHEN: After a long hiatus, the game returns to the Big Ten Network for a 12:00pm Eastern Standard Time game. I hate the camerawork in the Big Ten Network. It's always something that's wholly infuriating and there must be enough cameramen and directors to do a competent job shooting a football game. TV is just too compelling a career choice for too many people. I love artsy stuff as much as anyone, but there is a standard formula for shooting the footage of a football game. No variations. This means:

1) Follow the ball.

2) If you don't follow the ball, don't violently shake the camera because you were on the fullback when you should have been following the halfback two yards behind him. The camera shake should only be done when everybody but the offense and the coaching staff is utterly faked out. That's when your re-direction ten yards away should pop the QB stealthily holding the ball, setting up for a Statue of Liberty play to a streaking wide receiver as a Bud Collins-like "Oh my!" is yelped from the announcers booth. That's accidental drama and it's awesome. You just look like an idiot.

3) No "blimp-cam" instant replay shots of a goal line stand by the director. We're trying to see if a ball came out the second before his knee hit the ground, and you've got it on Camera 93 which is conveniently following both the play on the field AND the orbit of the moon. This has happened less often since 2006, but it's still an incomprehensible director's decision.

4) Directors need to cut to a different camera before the cameraman is resetting his shot. Nothing like a slow motion of the the world spinning as the cameraman goes from the endzone shot to a shot of the coach standing on the sideline. I'm not drunk, but I'm not sober either.

WHY

There it is! You knew it would be here somewhere.

Source: Lee Corso Indiana University/USFL Orlando Renegades Hall of Fame.

WHY: Why hate on the Hoosiers? Because Hate can be easy and still be hateful. Because Hate means understanding that Tandon Doss isn't going to roll over and let the Nittany Lions beat the Hoosiers. Because Indiana can watch game film too. Because Penn State has too much to prove that they can play as a team to the end of a hard season. Because losing on Senior Day means its there forever. Because the road to respectability continues upward with defeats against small teams like Indiana. Because we can be the only team ever to go a combined 4-0 against Indiana in a single year of mens basketball and football. Because of Beaver Stadium. Because of tailgates with friends. Because we care. Because we hate!

HATE WEEK: OHIO $TATE

Cairo — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 13:18:40 -0000

It's hate week, it's real, and it's on now.

The Breakdown:

WHO

The Ohio State Way.
Source: Not the NCAA Committee on Infractions, apparently.

WHO: Ohio $tate University, or "The reason all of this Mainstream Media Hate on the Big Ten is Happening University." This team's continued ability to NOT show up against teams with less than three losses has negated any and all of the rest of the Big Ten's success over the past four years. So we didn't pull it out in the Rose Bowl last year, do you really think it would have changed anyone's perception of the conference since the Buckeyes lost to Texas? This team may have fallen to third place in the Big Ten standings, but they are still the alpha dog in this fight. Penn State, Michigan, Nebraska, Oklahoma, Miami, Notre Dame... all of these teams know what it's like to go through a some dark years. Buckeye fans are nervous, they know their team isn't performing up to par, that they might be entering a period of uncertainty. Every downturn starts with a double-whammy: a HORROR loss to a terrible team (Michigan v App State, Penn State v Toledo), and a demolishing loss to a top-rated squad. They had the first shoe drop with the loss to Purdue, but they still lack that game, that 29-5 beatdown to USC that leaves you exposed and weak, that 39-7 beatdown to Oregon that shows Your Way is dated and on its way out. Penn State has the skills to give them that soulcrushing loss that sends them bleary-eyed to Alamo Bowl, wondering what happened to their run to the championship. It's time to give them what they deserve.

If their coach was a West German music act from the late ‘70s/early ‘80s:

Come to Ohio $chtaten!
Source: Home video.

The fourth in a six-part series. Unlike previous editions of ITCWAWGMAFTL70s/E80s, this movie actually features Ohio State Buckeyes coach Jim Tressel. After twenty seconds of intro by a guy in the official "poser rebel" wardrobe of 1978, he shakes the hand of Jim Tressel, decked out in a Buckeye red shirt. Look! No sweater vest! Then, he and future assistant coaches begin to perform their recruiting pitch to a live TV audience. It's a bit difficult to understand, but they essentially discuss their offensive game plan while mimicking one of the many iso plays away from motion that they've run for the past decade. Hey it worked to get Terrell Pryor (and provided the impetus for one of Mike Myers funniest skits), so they must have something here.

WHAT

The The looks up The in thesaurus for The Ohio $tate.
Source: The Internet.

WHAT: The. You know what I'm talking about: you're at home, settling down early in the first quarter to watch Sunday Night Football when the players state their names and the university/high school where they played. Up comes some player who cocks one eyebrow, smirks at the camera, and goes "(name), THE Ohio $tate University." As if we're supposed to be blown back by their use of a definite article. The Ohio $tate University. Thanks. Without the "the" I'd have figured it was one of many potential Ohio $tates. Perhaps you went to Ohio $tate University de Paraguay. Good thing you spelled it out for me, genius.

Here's what you really spelled out: "I'm a conceited idiot, and I think I'm more specialer than you." Congratulations, you sold me!

WHERE

The first image that comes up in a google image search for "Happy Valley." Man, it's changed since I was last there!
Source: Google Images. Perhaps I need to go to Bing.

WHERE: On the Banks of the Mighty Spring Creek. OK, just above it and that old old iron forge thing next to College Ave and Porter Road. This is a home game and is a rare non-crappy 2009 opponent. For once, there is NO RAIN IN THE FORECAST! So we have a big time opponent, a BCS bowl appearance on the line, mild weather, and a good start time. Anything less than a full, crazy, wild crowd in the Best Stadium in the Country (it's on Bleacher Report so it must be true) is impossible. Let's give Turkish Soccer a run for their money. PSU is 5-4 all time at State College in the Penn State-Ohio $tate rivalry and was embarrassed the last time the Buckeyes came to town in a 37-17 loss. This will change.

WHEN

November Sunset and Moonrise at Penn State
Source: http://live.psu.edu/image/23030

WHEN: 3:30pm Eastern on the ABC/ESPN system. Restrictions on night games be damned, this is State College in November. It means the lights will be on, the crowd will be glowing white, and Pryor will be introduced to tall fescue by Jared Odrick. Repeatedly. Which brings me to...

WHY

Tamba Hali and Navorro Bowman celebrate Ohio $tate's Big Ten championship titles in 2005 and 2008.

Source: Ohio Sports Hall of Fame.

WHY: If you have to ask why, then you haven't been following Penn State football long enough. I'll try to bring you up to speed. Why? Because of "four consecutive Big Ten titles". Because 324 happened against Ohio $tate. Because of 1912. Because of the Big 33. Because we're too country. Because 63-14. Because 63 points leaves us wanting 70. Because of the scene. Because of the stakes. Because they bring out the best in us. Because you don't need a Hate Week post to know it's Hate Week. Because its our season. Because we are not normal. Because We Are. Penn State! Hate. Hate! HATE! HATE!

HATE WEEK: Northwestern Wildcats

Cairo — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 02:37:49 -0000

[Bumped for copious amounts of hate. NERRRRRRDS! - RUTS]

The Wolverines have been tossed. It's time for fresh hate to be served. Cold.

The Breakdown:

WHO

Look, even their zoo is pretentious
Source: Northwestern ~~Elephant~~ Wildcat Zoo.

WHO: Northwestern--America's ultimate directional school--is the last team in Penn State's vaunted October Illinois Swing(TM). Northwestern is noted for a long-standing tradition of being in the upper echelon of player graduation rates, ethics, and fairness. This largely explains why they could not compete in the Big Ten throughout the '70s and '80s. The only thing the Big Ten schools at this time tended to copy was Northwestern's pretentiousness and snobbery. It took rock-ribbed Penn Staters to set this whole damned conference straight again. You're welcome.

If their coach was a West German music act from the late ‘70s/early ‘80s:

After all is said and done, it was right for you to run!
Source: CCTV.

The third in a six-part series. Remember the expectations of this season? A team that some Wildcat fans earnestly and reasonably believed could be 7-1 by the Penn State Nittany Lions came to town? With a dominant defense, an efficient quarterback, and favorable schedule, it seemed the Northwestern Wildcats might contend for its first conference championship since 2000. Then came the close scare against the awful Eastern Michigan EMU's, the loss to Syracuse, and a desperate comeback against Indiana last week. Far from dominant, this team is a hairs breadth from being 3-5. Where did this team go?

Simply put, this team is getting fat on preseason glory and not focusing on practicing good, tough, midwestern football. It can be clearly seen in this attached video (also used in 1982 by the Western German group Trio). Fitzgerald spends his time playing the drums at a Chicago pub, letting his players cavort with fans, watching some scary dude on a black and white TV (Hey! He's also in the bar! I need to get his autograff!) passing their time idly by as thOMIGOD SOMEONE JUST STABBED A WAITRESS! WHAT KIND OF TWISTED GERMAN $)%*( IS THIS?!?!?! Admirably, the waitress shakes it off. Hey, it's Chicago. It probably happens regularly on the North or South side. Whatever side is the bad one. I guess they want me to care. Anyway, this is what Pat Fitzgerald thinks is practice. It's a disgrace to the honorable Big Ten.

It was good enough to beat Purdue, tho'. It makes you wonder what goes on during Danny Hope's practice sessions.

WHAT

Apparently marketing like this moved products in the '60s. I'll take two, please!
Source: Sports Illustrated Vault: the treasure trove of now-offensive marketing.

WHAT: Not sucking. PSU stands at 7-1 with its one loss against the unanimous #1 choice of the robots: The Iowa Huskies, errmm, Hawkeyes. No one's looking past Michigan State after its performance last Saturday, so the Nittany Lions remaining four games can be described as "easy-hard-easy-hard." Still, these are the sandwich games that can destroy entire seasons. Penn State has had a heck of a time pulling out of Evanston with a convincing win. Most recently, PSU needed a last minute touchdown pass by MRob to defeat the Wildcats in 2005. A loss in 2003 was only topped by the embarrassment of PSU upsetting Northwestern in 2001. Northwestern the favorite? Dark Years indeed. This should never ever happen again. The only think I hate more than not not sucking is not not not sucking. or something. yeah! HATE ARGHGHGHAATAHAETEHATE!!

WHERE

Tailgating - dat's de Chicago way!
Source: Chicago Deputy Alderman of Northwestern Alumni Relations Office.

WHERE: Chicagoland. Specifically the enclave of Evanston just north of Chicago. I've never understood people's infatuation with Chicago. I have this strange feeling whenever I'm in Chicagoland of being some place other than the USA, like I'm in some sort of lame science fiction movie where America is ruled by an enlightened dictatorship. Everyone who ventures into Chicagoland knows it's ruled by the Honorable Mayor Richard M. Daley, who plasters his face at airports, highway overpasses, park benches, banners, shopping bags--basically everything but urinal cakes (those have Olympic rings on them now). Anyways, it's like he's an Egyptian pharoah or something. I can only imagine when he's out of power a legion of workers will chisel his name out of buildings like it's Aswan in 1600 BC. I will give Chicago credit though: it's totally better than that time in the late '60s when Lincoln, Nebraska was run by a South American junta.

Sell out this stadium or else!
Source: Lincoln Historical Society

Anyways, they play in Ryan Field, formerly Dyche Stadium. Apparently this Ryan guy also got the basketball arena named after him. This guy ponied up a lot of money to improve the athletic facilities at Northwestern. Northwestern. I guess we can think of him like T. Boone Pickens at Oklahoma State, only without the continued basketball excellence and football success.

WHEN

They have so many fans!
Source: Ryan Field.

WHEN: 2:30pm Mountain on ABC or ESPN2. Another thing I hate is missing a good opportunity. I did not realize it until now, but there's no place cheaper for a road game than Northwestern. You can do it in a day. I just checked. If you book in advance, a flight from Pittsburgh to Midway lands at 9:00 am and a United flight takes off from O'Hare at 9:15 pm. Grand total of $133 roundtrip. Plenty of time to take the El to Evanston for a game that starts at 11 or 3:30 and you don't have to get scalped by the Chicago hotels and their fees. Plus it's not like there are major delays at airports on Saturday mornings. Tickets are easy to come by at Northwestern, endzone tickets go for $35. Pack a lunch, grab a Chicago dog for dinner, and spend the rest on Goose Island 312 and a college student could see a Penn State road game for less than $200 plus gas from State College to Pittsburgh. That's a steal--good luck finding a ticket for less than $200 in Columbus. Similar flights and rates can be found throughout most of Big Ten country. We should sell out their stadium. We have no reason not to. I hate having to wait until 2011 to take advantage of this opportunity! I blame Northwestern for hiding this from our fans!

WHY

Skid marks...heh.

Source: Northwest(ern) Airlines. Hate!

WHY: Why? So admittedly we're on a bit of a lull after one of the most dramatic beatdowns in recent Penn State history. We all have that glow of satisfaction of knowing that everyone in corn and blue is upset about their Wolverines. We can all feel it on Monday. We all get a day or two to rest on our laurels (but sit on them wrong, you can pinch 'em laurels and thems can hurt like crazy). Still, how embarrassing would it be for PSU fans to say, "Hey, this feels good. I feel good. The team played great. Why don't I take this week off and then get back on the wagon for Ohio State week?"

That, people, is how champion haters become also-rans.

Hate does not take a break. Hate recognizes that this Northwestern team is a threat. Hate recognizes that PSU needs to put the hate out full force against the overconfident Wildcats. No team has done less with more than Penn State at Northwestern. This can not happen again. They are long overdue for exposure as a weak offensive team with a defense incapable of handling a dynamic Penn State offense. Why? Because the Big Ten road to the Rose Bowl always leaves treadmarks in Evanston. C'mon State! Beat Northwestern! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE!

QB Play: Moving Up The Down Staircase

Cairo — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 20:12:05 -0000

BSD: Bumped from the Fanposts. Effort like this will get rewarded every time. I mean, c'mon, man...we're talkin' charts here. The rest of you need to step it up.

It’s one of the newest pastimes of Big Ten fans. We take every journalistic swipe about the weakness of the Big Ten and lash out at the stupidity of mainstream media. We’ve re-hashed the commentary about the conference being unable to win The Big One: the non-conference losses, the postseason record in BCS games, and last years bowl game record. The verdict is that sports writers are thinking simplistically, that they don’t understand the caliber of play in the Big Ten, and that the media is present highly generalized impressions of the conference without any supporting facts to back them up.

Still, there may be some merit in thinking simplistically. What if we were to look at one statistical category, explore its implications on the conference, and then look at Penn State in particular? Could be make some inferences as to where the media perception is coming from? Furthermore, can we see if this perception of the Big Ten is warranted in 2009?

The first thing to do in this simplistic exercise is to make a general hypothesis—one that can sum up the state of NCAA football this decade. To me, it can be summed up this way:

This decade is the decade of the quarterback.

More than ever, the position of QB has been elevated to a level unseen in recent history. The media has led this charge. The Heisman trophy has been won by a quarterback every year this decade except once. Twenty-one of the twenty-seven players to finish in the top three of each Heisman race this decade have been quarterbacks.

The media and fans have also altered the perception of a quarterback as priceless to their teams success: the expansion of spread offense in the NCAA in recent years means quarterbacks are responsible for more total yardage, QB’s are better protected, several teams have had great difficulty adjusting their defenses against the spread. As a result, each conference and school is in an annual race to crown their team and competition as the best in the nation for quarterbacks.

Has the Big Ten been able to stand with the rest in this race to crown the best QBs?

Of course, the Big Ten boasts one Heisman trophy QB this decade in Troy Smith, but only three Big Ten QB’s have placed in the top 5 in Heisman voting: Drew Brees, Brad Banks, and Michael Robinson. We know that voting is arbitrary, but remember this is about perception—like it or not, it is meaningful that the Big Ten hasn’t been able to place someone in the Heisman race in recent years. This year looks to be no exception. Still, the Heisman doesn’t tell the whole story. What if we were to simplistically look at a metric to determine something as broad as, "Does the Big Ten have good quarterbacks?" It may offer some parallels to media perception of the entire league.

Passing efficiency, an admittedly arbitrary measure to base QB performance in the passing game, is still one of the better ways of measuring if a quarterback is "good" or not. It is difficult to measure the statistical numbers over time, as there may be years where there are offensive innovations (the spread) or rule changes that cause the average to go up or down. This is especially true this decade. Looking at players relative to one another, year-by-year, is a more evenhanded way of measuring QB performance.

What if we were to graph the passing efficiency of QBs in the Big Ten and look at how they rank against all NCAA opposition? Let’s take a look:

To explain this graph further: in 2000 the three best quarterbacks in the Big Ten in passing efficiency were ranked 16th, 25th, and 29th best overall nationally. If you take the average of the three, you find that the best three QB’s in the Big Ten were around 25th best in the nation that year. The next best three Big Ten QB’s were 30th, 50th, and 56th in the nation. (30+50+56)/3 puts them around 45th. The next three are calculated the same way and every year thereafter. Averaging these rankings attempts to reduce anomalies and tries to infer some tendencies about the quality of Big Ten QB play.

There are some interesting trends. There first six years saw very competitive play by the Big Ten, with an exceptional balance of good quarterbacking in 2002 and some obscenely good quarterbacks in 2005. How good? MRob was the 8th most efficient quarterback in the Big Ten in 2005, but still finished in the top five in the Heisman race. It was also the last time the Big Ten swept their BCS games and it high-water mark for the conference’s perception in the media.

Since then, there has been a drop in the rankings across the board from 2005-2008. This time period also corresponded with the emergence of the spread. With so many quarterbacks putting together incredible numbers in other conferences, it likely affected the amount of press given to Big Ten QBs, along with the general trend to provide less ink for other position players nationally.

With so much explosive play in rival conferences, coupled with few big yardage games occurring in the Big Ten, it was an easy leap for the media to label the Big Ten as "slow." Is it warranted? Has the league seen offensive production go down? The graph doesn’t tell the whole story. For example, let’s look at two quarterbacks with similar rankings and their corresponding passing efficiency numbers.

A subtle attempt to proclaim Pryor "Rashard Casey in scarlet and gray?" Perhaps. But what I really want to show here is the dramatic increase in passing efficiency numbers in the decade. Pryor’s numbers would have put him just on the outside of the Top 30 QB’s nationally in 2000.

Back to the graph. At the top, passing efficiency rankings has remained stagnant in 2009. The best QB in the Big Ten right now is Kirk Cousins, but you probably knew that from all of the press he’s been getting. Or not. Ten points if you even knew he was the starting quarterback for Michigan State. Cousins didn’t even know it back in the summer. His current ranking of 25th puts him behind press favorites like Jimmy Clausen, Tebow, Case Keenum, Dan LeFevour, Todd Reesing, Zac Robinson, and Matt Barkley. He is ahead of Colt McCoy and Jevan Snead. We’ll get to Clark in a bit, but I should note that Iowa’s incomparable Richard Stanzi (lol) is 56th.

Something interesting has occurred this year. The difference between a top rated QB and a mediocre QB is significantly smaller than at any point this decade. The overall stable of quarterbacks is far better than it was last year, and even mediocre guys like Ben Chappell are still credible QB’s who can put some offensive drives together. This may explain to some degree the overall parity in the league.

Even though there are no superstars, the best pound-for-pound stable of quarterbacks may be right here in the Big Ten.

So, what of Penn State? Is Clark horrible? Have I scared you yet? Sorry if I did. Let’s look at the chart with Penn State’s QB passing efficiency rankings added on.

PSU QB rankings are the blue dots, Big Ten championships highlighted in green.

Hopefully you’ve overpowered your gag reflex after looking at the first two-thirds of the decade. Yes, Penn State had some of the worst quarterbacks in the league from 2000 to 2007. Only Zack Mills in 2002 was in the top 6 in the league, and that was only by 0.04 points over 7th place Kyle Orton (told you there were some good ones in ’02). Robinson’s in 2005 probably does more to counter this exercise than anything—statistics be damned, he was a GREAT quarterback—but at the very least he was in a stable of quarterbacks that the press loved (Troy Smith, Chad Henne, Drew Stanton, etc.)

For the first time this decade, PSU has a top three quarterback in Darryl Clark. Even though the conference is on a low ebb, he’s still far better than any player PSU has had this decade. Take pride, we’re just moving up the down staircase.

Let’s look at Ohio State. Big Ten championships and perceived co-championships highlighted in green.

Note: Neither Pryor or Boeckman didn’t have enough throws to make the list, same with Zwick and Smith in 2004, so I used team passing efficiency. I know it’s not a stunner that having a high-quality passing attack helps to win championships, but it explains to some degree the perception that Ohio State is a cut above the rest of the league.

So what does this mean? The media may have some rationale behind the statement, "The Big Ten doesn’t have any great quarterbacks." There are some highly effective counters to that statement: the defensive secondaries of the Big Ten are better at containing the spread, the linebackers are faster at containing plays at the edges, the conference plays more games in wind and rain, the Big Ten operates places less emphasis on the play of the quarterback in its offensive schemes, etc.

These are all right to some degree. Recall though that we’re thinking simplistically. Big Ten quarterbacks are playing better ball than most places as a whole, but no one is putting up the numbers to elevate the status of the conference. Every incomplete pass by Juice and Pryor only adds to the fire. The perception may not be warranted, but we should understand where they are coming from.

At least we know Penn State ain’t the problem.

Weather for the PSU '09 season?

Cairo — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 15:50:19 -0000

Weather for the PSU '09 season?

Ann Arbor forecasts overcast skies and a 60% chance of rain with 15 mph winds. I can't even recall the last time I saw sunlight at a PSU game...everything is a gray haze. Is this the worst season of weather ever for PSU football?

JoPoz does JoePa article in this week's SI

Cairo — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 01:57:30 -0000

JoPoz does JoePa article in this week's SI

Done by the incomparable Joe Posnanski. Wonderful. If half the sports writers had one ounce of the talent of this guy, we'd be living in a golden age of journalism.

HATE WEEK: Michigan Wolverines

Cairo — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 18:30:45 -0000

It's Monday. It's Michigan. It's Hate Week. Let's get right to it.

The Breakdown:

WHO

Nestled on the shores of Horr Island, Ann Arbor has proudly been the economic and cultural capital of Horr's for generations. Ms. Veronica Corningstone's home on Horr Island shown for reference only (think Anchorman).

Source: Ann Arbor Chamber of Commerce.

WHO: The University of Michigan, commonly referred to as scUM, and commonly confused with Washtenaw Community College. Not to worry though, University of Michigan football players do get to transfer history credits from Washtenaw CC in such courses as the inexplicably punctuated "Beer: From Around the World" and "History of Eating." Apparently the first session from "History of Eating" is titled "Pre-history: Finding the Correct Cavity." Avoid that one at all costs. It does however explain why Forcier had that silver spoon shoved up his...nevermind. Just like UM courses, football players don't need to attend any of the sessions--you'll still get the 3 credit hours.

If their coach was a West German music act from the late ‘70s/early ‘80s:

The second of a six-part series for the remainder of the season as there are clear parallels between the remaining coaches and new wave German music. This week for Coach Rich Roderiguez we deviate slightly and select Austrian (yet German speaking) s-s-s-supahstar Falco. Much like Coach RichRod, Falco's performance in the "Der Komissar" music video features them both looking too cool for school, speaking in half-english, and running from police cars--presumably from Blacksburg, Virginia.

Also, RichRod runs exactly like Falco... aaaaaand you be the judge.

WHAT

Sadly, there are two-year old children that have never seen Michigan defeat Penn State.

Source: Ann Arbor Chamber of Commerce.

WHAT: The Streak. A lot of attention has been paid to Penn State's domination over Michigan, with over 754 days of continuous nonvictory for Michigan since Penn State's last ~~chokejob~~ loss to the Wolverines. This streak of domination has continued unabated since that day, and the Nittany Lions look to continue it again on Saturday. The Streak has been a point of pride for PSU fans and a bone of contention for Michigan fans. I'm stretching. So it goes. At least we're not playing for a bogus trophy.

WHERE

Typical street scene in Ann Arbor. Pictured on the ground: Santa Claus.

Source: Ann Arbor Chamber of Commerce.

WHERE: Ann Arbor. If you plan on visiting Ann Arbor, remember the three key steps to remaining safe and sound in the evil eye.

1) Have you seen that commercial from Brink's Home Security (now Broadview)? The kid and mother are playing around in the backyard, then go inside and she fortunately turns on her security system-because when you bring a child inside your first instinct is not to get the kid to the bathroom, get them the food they've been clamoring for, etc. but to turn on a blasted security system. It's a fortunate decision, as she was watched the entire time by a robber through a knot hole in the gate. The robber, dressed in black pants, black shirt, black hat, and black gloves IN BROAD DAYLIGHT IN THE SUMMER breaks into the house by bashing glass with his fist. The robber, impressed that his hand isn't bleeding or broken, is in fact stunned by the security system and runs away. The entire home is then cascaded in blue numbers. I guess if you sign up for Broadview your home is transported to The Matrix.

That whole comercial was actually filmed in Ann Arbor. And it's all true.

2) In most motels, it’s possible to barricade yourself in the room by moving the sink unit to block the only egress. This will be handy if the city populace turns into a collective of angry, murderous rage.

3) Wear a money belt.

WHEN

A Michigan fan trying to learn "Spring Forward, Fall Back."

Source: University of Michigan Department of Time Tellin'.

WHEN: 3:30pm Eastern on ABC or ESPN. Check your local listings and time zone. This begins a two-game stretch on the road for the Nittany Lions as they travel to Evanston for the final leg of the Illinois Swing(TM) before hosting the Buckeyes. So, there's no reason to be caught looking ahead--they'll all be tough.

WHY

The Michigan Way:
1) Go on, take the money.
2) Run.

Source: Bobbie Sue

WHY: Why?

WHHYY???

Because pride is the line, because we still have that bad taste in our mouths, because of bad calls, because of too many ruined season, because of two seconds, because our defense is better than their offense, because--at long last--we aren't afraid to open it up on the road, because respect will only come with continued wins, because "The Michigan Way" espouses bedrock traditional football at the expense of integrity.

Why? Because We're Penn State and They're Michigan.

Go State! Beat Michigan! HATE! HATE! HATE!

Case closed.

PSU Math

Cairo — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 15:56:34 -0000

A quick mathematics exam. The test is just for entertainment purposes, however Ohio State has indicated it will award 3 credit hours to any Buckeye football player who completes the test.

63-14

a) 39

b) 49

c) 1994

6-4

a) 2

b) 3

c) Agony

1968-1969

a) -1

b) 1

c) Unrecognized Perfection

0:00+0:02

a) 0:02

b) 0:00

c) F Michigan!

11+43+45

a) 90

b) 99

c) Domination

388-128-3

a) 257

b) 0.750

c) Greatness

Add your math problems below:

HATE WEEK: Minnesota!

Cairo — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 19:18:16 -0000

[Bump! Bump! Bump! -KHD]

Mass hysteria, passion bordering on panic, the measured clearing of the streets before the onset of a riot: it’s Monday, which means it’s the beginning of Minnesota Hate Week, people. Unlike most Big Ten hates, we’ve been mutually circling this one on our calendar since 2006. Three years of tireless excuses, of broken relationships, three years for the fervor to spill over and wash the Nittany Nation in Golden Gopher arrogance and conceit. I ask you once again: Can You Feel the Hate?

The Breakdown:

Minnesota was once coached by this guy: Bernie "The Silver Fox of the Northland" Bierman. This is officially the most badass nickname for a coach in college football history, and no man has ever worn a bolo tie as well as "The Silver Fox of the Northland." It has been all downhill for Minnesota since then.
Source: collegefootball.org

WHO: The University of Minnesota Golden Gophers come to town. The Gophers have not been ranked all season, and have played one common opponent with PSU in the Syracuse Orange. Greg Paulus Tech played well against Minnesota in the opening week of the season before flopping (see what I did there?) in overtime 23-20. The Gophers come in after splitting games against Wisconsin and Purdue in back-to-back weeks. This means the PSU coaching staff is poring over recent game film of the Gophers against squads PSU won’t play until 2011. I think this is a very sneaky way for Goldie to WASTE OUR TIME reviewing extensive game film of Wisconsin and Purdue.

If their coach was a West German music act from the late ‘70s/early ‘80s:

For crying out loud Alice, get him some damned pie!

The first of a six-part series for the remainder of the season as there are clear parallels between each. This week features Minnesota Head Coach Tim Brewster. Coach Brewster’s well publicized affinity for yelling and exclamation points relates with Drafi Deutscher’s performance of "Marmor, Stein und Eisen bricht." Like the video, Brewster also has a fondness for Gold Lamé shirts and an obsession for Indy Car racer Al Unser. Like Drafi Deutscher, Brewster's mouth doesn't match up with his voice. Eerie. Two critical differences: Drafi has much better hair, and Brewster prefers to offset his gold shirts with burgundy headgear, reflecting the ugliest combination of colors that any school has ever adopted.

Pic: Riots that followed the last transfer of the Governor’s Victory Bell in 2005. Inset of the victory bell. Fun fact: The Governor’s Victory bell is 20 FEET TALL!
Source: Life

WHAT: The Governor’s Victory Bell. The epic rivalry between Penn State and Minnesota has its roots stretching back all the way to the 20th century! Both teams fight over the right to control the Victory Bell, thus claiming victory for themselves and their respective governors. Both sides have tried to gain competitive advantage by placing into power governors willing to put a smackdown on the other. See Ventura, Jesse. HateWeek Central is apolitical, but let’s have a look at the governors in this pitched battle.

Governor Pawlenty of Minnesota is on the left, presumably photographed at an event to benefit otters with glaucoma. Governor Rendell is at right, photographed with a King Tut impersonators convention. King Tut was a 19-year old who built a tomb and filled it with gold. A glaucomic(sp?) otter is cuddly, but good luck catching fish with only one good eye! Penn State is better prepared going in.

Minnesota’s brand new stadium! Look, even the field is teh goldandburgundy! Oh, we play there next year? My bad.

Source: HateWeek Central

WHERE: At home in bucolic Beaver Stadium. The game is also Homecoming. Hateweek Central is not fond of seven hour parades featuring every… single… campus… group. (Hey, Penn State has an Estonian Literature Club! Nice float guys! I’ve never seen crepe paper wrapped around the edge of a trailer before!), but we must admit it’s far better than All-University Day, which we celebrate by gazing glassy-eyed on the field at half-time, still midway between a good buzz and dehydration-enhanced nausea, while overhearing out-of-state students at halftime asking their friends where Mont Alto is.

Pic: Nobody wants to see Minnesota LOLZ.

Source: ABC back in 2007.

WHEN: The game will be televised on ABC, ESPN, or ESPN2 at 3:30 eastern. Since it’s at 3:30 it means the competition will likely be a mediocre Pac-10 game and an ACC game. The cooler you are, the higher on the ABC TV ladder your game will be. What does this mean for PSU fans who live in Tallahassee or Bakersfield? Well, you be the judge. Edit: oops, it’s Nebraska-Texas Tech and I live in Big XII country. I guess I gots schooled.

Minnesota is also the first game of the second half of the season. As KevinHD stated, this is the first time all year the team has to actually care about three games in a row, and we only had to get through half the fall to get here. Thanks Tim.

1999. Party’s over, oops, outta time. Blame Minnesota! Blame Prince! Blame the New Power Generation! Blame Iowa!

WHY: Why? Why??? Are you kidding me? Other than Iowa and UM, no team has been a bigger thorn on the side of Penn State than Minnesota. Oddly enough, you can literally throw out the record books when the Governor’s Victory Bell is on the line. The highest ranking Minnesota has ever had entering the game is 19th in the AP poll. This marks the sixth time in eleven matches that PSU has entered the game ranked in the top 15. Still, PSU’s record is a pedestrian 6-4 overall.

Let’s review:

1997 – Aaron Harris goes down the week before in an emotional 31-27 win over #7 Ohio State. A loss by the #1 ranked Gators(?) also means Penn State enters the game as the #1 team in the land against unranked Minnesota. PSU needs a horribly questionable pass-interference penalty to edge Minnesota 16-15. The Big Ten was placed in an awkward situation as this was the first time a bad ref call was in favor of the Nittany Lions, so conference penalized the Lions by openly admitting that the official had made the wrong call, and by having every call for the next five years go against Penn State---transforming JoePa into a sprinting fumarole of referee anger and expletives by 2002.

1999 – The other shoe drops. Minnesota got us back with their share of luck. On 4th and 16, the Minnesota offensive line collapses as the LaVar and the d-line forces an ugly desperation pass by the QB. Derek Fox bats the ball down and begins to run off the field, thinking the game is over, only to turn around and see that a Minnesota player who tripped on his own feet ends up right between the ball and the ground. The player makes the 27-yard catch, setting up Minnesota for an improbable 24-23 victory.

This begins a run of four straight losses to the Gophers by the Lions.

2005 – MRob. 44-14 Penn State. Good times.

2006 – The last time PSU played Minnesota was three years ago in the Metrodome. The "Gold Out" of 30,000 fans wearing 8,000 gold shirts contrasted well with all of the empty blue seats. Minnesota was the worst team I had seen that year, next to Northwestern. Still, the Lions needed another very, very weak pass interference call against Minnesota to prevent a go-ahead score by the Golden Gophers. If it was a Michigan's defender on that play, he could have stabbed our receiver and they wouldn't have called a penalty because he wasn't stabbed in the hands/arms, but it clarified PSU’s position in the referee call ladder:

Michigan -> Ohio State -> Iowa -> Penn State -> Minnesota ---> Indiana

HateCentral hates losing, but it hates winning a game it should have lost almost as much.

To finish the recap, PSU also needed a yipped extra point late in the 4th quarter to eke out a 28-27 win.

So, in closing, we have an excitable coach with a fondness for gold clothing, the GVB, and homecoming against a lackluster program which has consistently snuck up on Penn State and ruined their season. Another loss to an unranked Minnesota squad is unacceptable. Go State! Beat Minnesota! HATE! HATE! HATE!

Umm... No.

Cairo — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 17:35:03 -0000

Umm... No.