Close Shave America
Feb 10, 2010 Apr 03, 2012 4 729
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Almost Got 'im: Kouandjio was THIS CLOSE to being a Hawkeye
Doc Saturday explains how Cyrus Kouandjio would have signed with Iowa were it not for Rhabdogate and Iowa City being a small Midwestern town that's cold as fuck in the winter.
Ex-Hawkeye Robinson to team: "I want you back."
by Close Shave America on Jan 17, 2011 1:29 PM EST
on Black Heart Gold Pants
Former running back claims team is all he ever wanted, needed.
MOON BASE 1 -- On Monday, a forlorn Adam Robinson publicly apologized for his off-field transgressions at the end of last season, which included poor academic performance and a Dec. 27th arrest for possession of marijuana, saying he was ready to give things another chance if Iowa was.
"Just tell me what to do now, because I want you back," Robinson said.
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Big Ten: Stanzi Is Indeed The Manzi
Thanks to his mansome performance in the Big House on Saturday, Stanzi was named the Big Ten's Offensive Player of the Week, his first time ever winning the award. This also marks the first time an Iowa player earned Offense POW since Moeaki last year against (guess who?) Michigan. In honor of Stanzi's stellar play, Big Ten officials will re-name the award "Manzi of the Week."*
Not to take anything away from Stanzi's superb performance, but if any Hawkeye was going to be OPOW this week I expected it to be Robinson. DJK would also have been a deserving winner.
*(I can only dream that this is true.)
Delany Solves Big Ten Divisions Problem, Relocates State College, PA To Nebraska
by Close Shave America on Aug 29, 2010 2:30 PM EDT
on Black Heart Gold Pants
Chicago, IL - In a stunning move, Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delany today announced he had solved the problem of aligning teams into divisions for the 2011 season. His answer? Using giant cranes and hot air balloons to uproot the town of State College, Pennsylvania, and relocate it 30 miles northwest of Omaha.
"We realized the best answer was a geographic East-West split, which would preserve many of our conference's historic rivalries," Delany said during a phone interview Sunday. "But since we also wanted to maintain competitive balance, it only made sense to move State College to a more convenient location."
Artist's Rendering
Following the conclusion of Penn State's football season, a crew of 700 workers will begin carving up the campus and readying sections to be airlifted 1,060 miles west, where it will be re-assembled near the town of Fremont, Neb.
"Those guys at Penn State have been complaining forever about not having a geographic conference rival," Delany added. "Well, now they'll have a great one in Nebraska!"
When questioned, Delany denied rubbing his hands together and muttering, "Money money money..."
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