SB Nation User Blog: Cobby

Harvey Perlman Saves America While Guarding the BCS Against Playoff Supporters

Cobby — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 12:41:41 -0000

College football fans want a playoff. Or so we're told by media pundits who say they want a playoff but are really being backed by hard-line commie pinkos who want to destroy the one damned good thing that America still has going for it - the college bowl system and the Bowl Championship Series.

Harvey stands true to defend the chaos... er... tradition that is major college football. Don't listen to those who favor a playoff. They only seek to take the grand tradition and make it the same as every other major sport, furthering the blanding of America, seeking to marginalize America by celebrating mediocrity and averageness the same way in which they favor a sixth-grade graduation.

Do Div-II and Div-III have a playoff? Of course they do! Does anyone care except when they're being used to make a case for having a playoff for Div-IA? NO!

Taking over at a time when things appear darkest for the BCS, Harvey Perlman stands ready, freezing his adversaries in place as they ponder Perlman's dry statements trying to determine whether or not he's just made a joke. Put him in front of a Senate Committee and he'll handle it with ease with his uncanny ability to keep a straight face no matter what he's selling at any moment.

He's not a whimpy pansy man like former Nebraska Chancellor Graham Spanier. Put him in front of a Senate Committee (or a bunch of Girl Scouts for that matter) and he'd fall over in a fetal position in less than five minutes, signing documents allowing every college football playoff game to be played in Austin, Texas for the next 20 years.

So, BCS supporters, you can rest easy at night knowing that Nebraska's own Harvey Perlman is there to defend your favorite sport and all the chaos... tradition that goes along with it. Let those that favor boredom and playoffs (could that be redundant? Yes!) start watching more NFL games or attending Division II football games if only so that they learn more about how that playoff selection process works.

Corn Nation salutes you, Harvey Perlman! Defend the BCS!

NETV To Begin Work on "Life After Osborne" Series

Cobby — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 06:15:05 -0000

More photos » by Bill Wolf - AP

Nebraska without Tom Osborne? The world without sunshine? Perish the thought!

Browse more photos »

With the announcement that Tom Osborne will be staying as Athletic Director at the University of Nebraska, NETV has announced plans to begin work on a new series called "Life After Osborne" which will take a hypothetical look at the state of Nebraska's future after Tom Osborne has moved on.

The series will be patterned after the History Channel's popular series "Life After People" which examines what will happen to mankind's creations after humans have disappeared.

The series will examine several possibilities as to how Husker fans might react once Osborne has left the stage. Using the fall of other prominent college football program as a guide, NETV will seek to discover what could possibly happen to Nebraska should a worthy successor not be found.

The series is sure to be met with some controversy. Director Nancy Berry had this to say about the reasoning behind the series:

"Tom Osborne has meant so much to the people of Nebraska, we just felt like we'd be doing a public service if we helped people prepare for the day he's gone. We're going to examine the potential crises Nebraskans might face and present several different options for how we might best handle ourselves."

NETV gave us some insight as to what three of the episodes might entail:

- Oklahoma after Barry Switzer

The series reveals of how few Sooner fans filled Gaylord Family Oklahoma Memorial Stadium after the reign of coaches Barry Gibbs, Howard Schnellenberger and John Blake. It details the feelings of despair around Sooner Nation as they dealt with the concept that great football might never return.

The segment includes a heart-wrenching interview with Edna Grimmith of Enid, Oklahoma, explaining how she felt when she realized Howard Schnellenberger wasn't going to make her forget Barry Switzer. Grimmith had to be sedated and then hospitalized after the interview.

- Alabama after Paul Bear Bryant

Paul "Bear" Bryant died in 1983, yet Crimson Tide fans have somehow managed to keep him alive by exploring every facet of his life through book and film, using him as the standard to measure every head coach since, and buying 15,000 houndstooth hats a year.

Nearly 30 years later, ‘Bama fans have digressed so far as to attend tailgates before seeing a play about the great coach's life. The show's primary focus is on how the fans can deal with a loss by pretending it never happened in the first place.

- Kansas State after Bill Snyder

This episode will focus on what would happen if Tom Osborne left, then came back and found that most of everything he'd ever accomplished was destroyed by the people he left in charge.

NETV producers were said to be happy about Snyder's return as they were previously focused on Tom Osborne returning to Nebraska after Steve Pederson's reign as athletic director.

Said Berry, "We really weren't looking forward to dealing with the Pederson era. Who wants to go through that "true fans" crap all over again?"

Sam Keller Sues Electronic Arts, Husker Fans Countersue

Cobby — Thu, 07 May 2009 13:19:06 -0000

Former Husker Sam Keller is suing Electronic Arts, the maker of the video game ‘NCAA 2008', and the NCAA, for using his likeness without consent. Keller's lawsuit points out some striking similarities between the player alleged to be him, and the real him.

The lawsuit points out, for example:

Virtual player number 5 has the same height, weight, skin tone, home state, handedness and facial features of Sam Keller. Virtual number 5 is also the starting quarterback for the University of Nebraska.......

There's no comment in the lawsuit about the fact that the alleged video game likeness of Keller can't throw the ball any further than ten yards downfield, consistently freaks out and hits the check down receiver and because of his high injury stat, can never play a full season. What's even more eerie about NCAA Football 2008 is that Sam Keller's alleged video likeness throws a plastic cup instead of a football.

About Keller's career, the lawsuit contains this tidbit:

As a junior in 2005, Keller played well in his first four games of the season. He had 461 yards against LSU, followed up by 409 yards against Northwestern. He continued with 300-yard performances against USC and Oregon State. In just four games, he passed for 1,582 yards.

Unfortunately, he suffered an injury that limited him to only three more starts. Nonetheless, he finished the season with 2,165 yards and 20 touchdowns in just over six full games. To put this in perspective, over his six and one-half games, he averaged over 3 touchdowns per game. This average would be higher than the averages of all quarterbacks playing a full season that year - this includes Matt Leinart, Michael Vick, Brady Quinn, Vince Young, Jay Cutler and Colt Brennan. If he wasn't injured and his performance stayed at this level, he would have likely entered the NFL draft as a highly touted quarterback with almost 40 touchdowns and close to 4000 yards.

No idea what that has to do with the outcome of a lawsuit, but it's a matter of court record (or something like that) that Sam Keller could have kicked the asses of all those quarterbacks if he had only played well throughout his career.

We wish Keller luck on winning his lawsuit against the conspirators of industry who would rob college athletes of their likeness.

In another related story, several Husker fans who own Electronic Arts college football games are alleged to be considering their own class-action lawsuit.

They are seeking to have a new release issued that will "remove or randomize" Keller's likeness on conditions that he fraudulently represented himself as a real Nebraska quarterback and they have no desire to be reminded of him again.

Dateline 2030: Kansas Kerry Meier Still Beating Missouri at 43

Cobby — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 05:24:57 -0000

Kansas backup quarterback/receiver Kerry Meier is still going strong, entering his 25th season of college football. In 2010, Meier filed and won a bizarre and one-of-a-kind lawsuit that granted him never-ending amateur eligibility from the NCAA with the qualification that he was only allowed to play a single game each year. The loophole was closed the next year, and due to an injunction filed by the NCAA, Meier was the only player able to take advantage.

Kerry Meier - Kansas quarterback and wide receiver in 2008.

In 2010, the first year of his expanded eligibility, Meier chose to play against Missouri and caught the game-winning touchdown catch with 33 second left on the clock. He’s caught the game-winning touchdown in every Kansas-Missouri game since. In 2025, Missouri came close to winning, but Meier got loose, catching a pass with only two seconds left on the clock to win it again for the Jayhawks.

When asked if he might someday retire from the college ranks, Meier stated "the year that Missouri stops me is the year I retire. You’d think it’d have happened by now. I mean, it’s not like they don’t know it’s coming, it’s been happening every year for the past 20 years and they still can’t stop me. At some point it has to end. My knees are killing me. "

Missouri has tried different tactics over the years, from triple-guarding Meier to not bothering to cover him at all. So far, no luck. The failures over the years have taken their toll on a Tigers program that hasn’t had a winning season since 2021. Many Missouri fans blame Meier for the fall.

"Nobody wants to play for Missouri, nobody. We’ve become the laughingstock of the conference" said Gerry Moore, who’s attended nearly every Missouri game since 1970.

Despite Meier’s heroics, the old man of college football has yet to a conference championship, as Kansas has lost every year to Nebraska since 2008.

"It’d be nice to win a Big 14 title, just once." said Meier, sitting back in his rocking chair. "But I don’t know. Just seems like Nebraska has had our number every year, just like we have Missouri’s. Funny how that’s all worked out. I keep thinking I should play against Nebraska, but I don’t want to jinx a streak."

Kerry Meier at 43 years old, the only college player in history with a 25-year career.

NFL Draft: No Huskers Drafted So Far - Clearly NFL Doesn't Understand "Value"

Cobby — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 04:46:04 -0000

More photos » by Ed Andrieski - AP

Some beady-eyed dude with the Broncos wondered the same thing we are - where are the Huskers? Where are they? Dammit!!! (Either that or he just showed up and they're out of ham and cheese sandwiches already

Browse more photos »

There were no Huskers taken on the first day of the 2009 NFL Draft. Clearly the NFL doesn't understand the work ethic and value of what it means to draft a Nebraska player.

The NFL does understand what it means to make no sense of anything.

Around the Big 12:

- Baylor had a lineman, Jason Smith, drafted at the #2 spot overall. You're wondering the same thing I am - what the hell was this guy doing at Baylor?

- Michael Crabtree went 10th overall to the 49ers. Al Davis proved once again that he's still living in the '70s and picked some guy no one's ever heard of ahead of Crabtree.

Who doesn't love Al Davis? He's still the same act, same show, year after year. He's dependable. Hell, he tells old men to get off his lawn.

- Texas' Brian Orakpo went to the Washington Redskins. I liked watching Orakpo play in college, at least as much as a Nebraska guy can enjoy watching a Texas guy (I know, I'll say three "Hail Mary's" for that one), and it's always a little sad when these guys come out of college and get sentenced to hell.

- Josh Freeman went at 17th to the Buccaneers. Nice pick, Tampa Bay. Josh can throw a ball real far. He's big. Suddenly he's worth millions. What's that you said about society and misplaced priorities? You may be right.

- Jeremy Maclin went after Freeman at 19th, to the Eagles. AFTER Freeman. And you thought utter stupidity was limited to Al Davis? Shame on you.

- Brandon Pettigrew from Oklahoma State went to the Detroit Lions with the 20th pick. Brandon, I don't know you or your family, but my prayers are with you and yours.

- Evander Hood from Missouri went to the PIttsburgh Steelers. I don't have a joke here.

- Darcel McBath, Texas Tech, went to the Denver Broncos. I have nothing against Tech, nor Darren. At least I didn't before yesterday, but I can't stand the Denver Broncos. Maybe it's just Colorado in general. Yeah, that's it. Good luck, Darcel, I hope you suck.

- Phil Loadholt from Oklahom went to the Minnesota Vikings at #54. Blocking for his old teammate, Adrian Peterson. Good for Phil. Good for the Vikings. Now learn what it means to be a perennial disappointment.

Oh. Yeah, that's right, you probably already know what that is.

- William Moore went to the Atlanta Falcons at #55. Missouri had a good player in the defensive secondary? How could they tell that?

Desperate For Funding, University of Texas Resorts to Selling Grass

Cobby — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 06:01:45 -0000

In a desperate bid to make money the University of Texas will resort to selling grass at their annual spring game. For $20, fans can purchase a 12-inch by 12-inch square of grass from the University of Texas.

Matt M - Expert Horticulturist

Celebrity, expert horticulturist and Longhorn fan Matthew McConaughey will be on-hand conducting a seminar on how those who purchase grass can properly care for it, allowing it to grow and reach maturity so that they may harvest the seeds to can grow even more Texas Longhorn grass to share with their fellow Longhorn friends.

Texas has one of the biggest budgets in Division IA athletics, but the fear is that without finding some additional funding they may be forced to cut the "Longhorn Dawgie Day Care" services that are provided for Texas fans as they watch their Longhorns play football.

Don't Abandon The Dawgies, Dudes

"Pooches could be poached if they're left in vehicles while people watch the game", said Lucy Linder of Austin's Camp Bow Wow. "Longhorn fans need to lighten up and buy some grass, especially early in the season. It'll make those blow-outs much more enjoyable."

Pirates Select Mike Leach As One They'd Most Like To Run-Through, Feed To Sharks

Cobby — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 14:10:09 -0000

Texas Tech head football coach Mike Leach has a well-known admiration for pirates, but apparently that feeling isn't mutual. In a recent poll conducted by the Pirate's Guild, Leach was selected as the Big 12 coach most likely to be run through and fed to sharks.

Picture Swords Here Instead of Mics And You Get the Idea About How Pirates Feel About Leach.

The survey and results weren't made available to the public, but done as a form of entertainment among Guild members. Pirates weren't asked to comment along with their questions, but a few couldn't help but start squawking when contacted about the survey.

When asked about Leach, Captain Blood stated, "That Leach fellow, he comes off as pouty baby, there's no way any pirate alive today would want any part of him.... ‘cept maybe his heart to keep in a jar. Har! Har!"

The survey asked members of the guild to rank the Big 12's college football coaches in several categories, from least likely to most likely.

A sample of survey questions included the following:

Pick the Big 12 head football coach you'd like to see:

Keel-hauled and fed to sharks.

Forced to walk the plank and fed to sharks.

Run-through with a blade and fed to sharks.

Kept on as a cabin boy (and later fed to sharks).

Permitted to join your crew.

Colorado head coach Dan Hawkins was selected as most likely to be kept on as cabin boy, while Nebraska head coach Bo Pelini was selected as most likely to be allowed to join a crew.

"With that scowl of his, he'd be right at home with the rest of us", stated Knob-Kneed Kate when asked about why Pelini faired better than the others. "He could probably run a man through with his bare hands."

Bo Pelini and his scowl, favored by Pirates.

Kansas head coach Mark Mangino was not included as an answer within the poll questions. When asked why, Captain Blood stated "We felt that he didn't belong (in the survey). We see him as more of a whaling problem than a pirate problem."

Big 12 Commish Warns About Hydration Now That Bill Snyder Back in Conference

Cobby — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 04:45:01 -0000

It's worse if he touches you.

The investigative journalism arm of Corn Nation has stretched forth and reaped a reward.

It has come to our attention that shortly after the re-hiring of Bill Snyder by Kansas State, Big 12 commissioner Dan Beebe sent a memo to Big 12 media members regarding Snyder’s re-hiring.

The memo was short and to the point. It stated:

"The Big 12 would like to remind media members that they need to be more conscious of hydration now that Kansas State coach Bill Snyder is back with the Wildcats. We don’t need a recurrence of the incident on August 20th, 1998."

Beebe’s mention of an ‘incident’ is none other than the brief hospitalization of Lincoln Journal Star reporter Steve Sipple. Sipple was hospitalized on the night of August 20th, 1998, shortly after the Big 12 media day, and shortly after he spent over an hour and a half talking with Bill Snyder. Hospital records indicated that Sipple had been admitted because of appendicits, but in speaking with an intensive care nurse who was on staff that night we got a slightly different story.

Steve Sipple, Lincoln Journal Star. Recovered, but still funny looking.

"He looked like a mummy" stated a nurse who spoke on condition of anonymity. "It took all night on IV’s before he stopped looking like a corpse. After we found out that he’d spent nearly two hours in close proximity to Bill, we realized the seriousness of the injury. That poor, poor man. He recovered, but he still looks a little funny to me."

As a result of the dehydration incident, the Big 12 began monitoring the amount of time people spent around Snyder and made gatorade readily available at any event he attended. No word yet on whether the Big 12 plans to do the same again now that Snyder is back in the conference.

Stay tuned.….

Happy Thought of the Week - There's Still A Chance! (To Win the Big 12 North)

Cobby — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 01:40:08 -0000

We’re Tied for First in the Big 12 North!!!! Yeah! And there’s still a chance we can win our half the conference! Yeah!

If we can go into Oklahoma and take care of business this weekend, then Missouri happens to lose to Baylor (they’re 0-1 in Texas already), while Kansas gets beaten down by rival Kansas State, their confidence shattered after last week’s beat down against Texas Tech. That puts Nebraska one game up on everyone that still counts.

The following week, Nebraska beats Kansas, while Missouri loses to Kansas State - everyone knows Kansas State is due to knock off a good team and they haven’t yet done it this year, so why not Missouri?

After that, Kansas loses to Texas, Missouri beats Iowa State while Nebraska beats Kansas State, the Wildcats being no threat after having knocked off Missouri the week before.

In the last week, Missouri loses to Kansas and Nebraska beats Colorado, winning the Big 12 North.

Oh, yeah! I can see it now! Nebraska, Big 12 North Champion with a shot to beat Texas in the Big 12 title game!

(What I need now is a contingency plan, just in case it doesn't work out this way. Stay tuned........ )

Poll

Chance that Nebraska can win the Big 12 North

100 to 1

46 votes

1000 to 1

39 votes

1,000,000 to 1

41 votes

It's A Done Deal!

13 votes

139 votes | Poll has closed

Nebraska Cornhuskers vs. Baylor Bears - Big 12 Stats Rankings

Cobby — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 16:02:05 -0000

Granted these statistics are about three games, but after the jump are Nebraska’s and Baylor’s ranking in Big 12 statistical categories. I was looking around, wondering what Baylor does well. Turns out... they don’t do a lot very well. On the other hand, I"m not sure we do either.

These are Big 12 statistics only. Nebraska has played Missouri, Texas Tech, and Iowa State - which means we’ve faced two of the best offenses in the nation. Baylor has played Oklahoma, Iowa State, and Oklahoma State - which means they’ve faced two really good offensive teams too.


Big 12 Statistical Ranking	Nebraska	Baylor
Scoring Offense	8	10	(thought we’d be higher but look at these Big 12 teams!)
Rushing Offense	5	8
Scoring Defense	8	6
Rushing Defense	6	11
Pass Offense	3	11
Total offense	4	10
Pass Defense	1	5
Total Defense	4	8	(after Missouri and Texas Tech this ain’t so bad)
Kickoff Returns	2	5
Punt Return Avg	9	11
Punting	11	2
Pass Efficiency	7	9	(thought this would be higher)
Turnover Margin	12	3
Pass Def Efficiency	9	6	(sounds like a category your boss would use against you in your review when you thought you were doing well)
First Downs	4	10
3rd Down Conversions	3	11
Opponent 1st Downs	1	8	(means we’ve given up the fewest first downs)
Opp. 3rd Dn Conversion	8	6
Sacks By	10	12
Sacks Against	7	8
Penalties	12	2	(we’ve gotten the most in the Big 12)
Field Goals	6	1	(four way tie for first with four apiece)
Opp Penalties	12	3
PAT Kicking	1	11	(eight way tie for first. completely useless statistic)
4th Down Conversions	11	8	(Missouri is 12th here. Hahahahaha)
Time of Possession	1	7	(people who say this is underrated are idiots)
Opp 4th Down	10	11	(after three games this doesn’t mean much)
Kickoff Coverage	3	12	(Admit it, you thought we were worse here)
Red Zone Offense	4	5
Red Zone Defense	6	9	(this is where it counts isn’t it?)