SB Nation User Blog: Cobby

Burnt Orange: The Revenge

Cobby — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 15:46:15 -0000

Scene opens with a television reporter:

Nebraska Head Coach Bo Pelini and Defensive Coordinator Carl Pelini have not been with the team as they prepare to face Texas on Saturday. Athletic Director Tom Osborne had no comment on where his coaches are at or what they are doing....

Scene: Wooded hillside in Virginia. We see Bo and Carl Pelini hiking up the hill.

Carl: We need to be back in Nebraska, Bo. We don't have to do this

Bo: You know why we're here...

Carl: You don't know where he's at, what he's doing, or even if he'll help us.

Bo: I'll try anything to win this game. You know what's at stake. My hate for Texas is more than displeasure with working with anyone. Texas will own us no more.

Scene focuses on a large man chopping wood. He has his hood up and is facing away from the camera.

Un-named man: You shouldn't have come here. I'm done with Big 12 football.

Bo: So you know why we're here?

Un-named man:..........

Carl: You know what's at stake. Nebraska can't beat Texas without your help. You can't just sit here and do nothing while Texas wins the Big 12 Championship!

(un-named man continues to chop wood)

Carl: We've wasted our time; he's no good to us.

Bo: (To the un-known man) Is this how you want to be remembered? You've done horrible things in the North. This is your one chance at redemption!

Un-named man pauses.

Bo: Give us the secret to beating Texas! You're the only one in the North to crack the code!

Un-named man: I'm doing this for me. (he turns around and pulls down his hood)

Ron Prince: Let's go hook us some horns.

This is our secret weapon Texas. We're calling in Ron Prince! Tremble in fear of he that owns you!

Big 12 Cob Of the Week - Colorado And It's Fan Base, DirecTV, Mark Mangino, and T Boone Pickens?

Cobby — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 20:00:24 -0000

More photos » by Sue Ogrocki - AP

In a Vinnie Barbarino voice, he says "Yeah, but at least I win the games I'm supposed to...."

Browse more photos »

We need a video of that shows me running out of a tractor, sees flying cobs in the air then starts shouting "The cobs, the cobs!" just like that dude on Fantasy Island did years ago.

Or maybe not. Whatcha think?

Husker Mike:

My nomination goes to the entire University of Colorado and their fan base. Their fan base refuses to support the program, leaving the athletic department deep in debt and unable to pay off their previous failed coach, let alone pay off their current failed coach. So that leaves their athletic director and Chancellor to stammer around and come up with excuses to keep Dan Hawkins. Long pauses while they thought of ways to avoid admitting they're broke. Then more insulting statements to what fans they have.

Then finally, "Ten Wins No Excuses" Hawkins offered "Ten Excuses"...or rather, the excuse that the Buffies were "10 plays from a bowl game". Now, I don't know what plays those were, but I'd suggest that one of them might have been the Niles Paul punt return last week. If Paul would have flipped the ball to a Buffalo defender like Jake Wesch did last season instead of taking a punt to the house, that 14 point swing would have been enough to get another win. Keep reversing touchdowns, and there's probably 3 or 4 more wins on the Buffs schedule. If only those other teams would have gifted points to the Buffs like they had originally schemed, all would be wonderful in BuffyWorld...

A second nomination goes to DirecTV. I had to spend Saturday out of town and had to hunt all around to find the Texas Tech/Baylor game. The regular FSN Midwest channel was blacked out, allegedly for a St. Louis Blues game. The adjacent FSN Kansas City channel was also blacked out. All through the dial, I found channel after channel claiming to be showing the game...but since we didn't pay for the sports package, we couldn't get it. Finally dug it out on channel 652 which wasn't even labeled a FSN channel. Go figure. Then immediately after the game ended, cut to black and the feed terminated. No postgame report on any of the FSN channels I tried; the others were still blacked out. Oh, and you still have that stupid Versus lie on your channel listing. Yeah, DirecTV is better than cable. Not.

Jlew:

From preseason favorites to win the B12 North to (probably) being fired is reason enough to choose Mark Mangino as a cob nominee this week. There are plenty more reasons, the Kansas AD Lew Perkins pulling his support and throwing his own coach under a bus amid allegations that Mangino is abusive to his players, as if he were completely unaware of what was happening all along.

Then you get to the end of the game against hated blood rival Missouri. Mangino has the win if he can run out the clock. The Jayhawks run two pass plays, then a quarterback draw. Reesing gets tackled in the end zone for a Missouri safety. What did Mangino tell his players before they went onto the field, to make sure the next three plays are the worst possible sequence of plays in their career. It sure looked like it.

Mangino has no one to blame for his problems than himself. It seems that you can be a jerk when you are winning, but no one will support a jerk who is losing. Everyone understands that. If you're too arrogant to think that you'll never be losing at some point, then you get what you deserve.

Jon Johnston:

That leaves me with... Oklahoma State. or Mike Gundy. I can't decide. Let's take the Mike Gundy angle first. Oklahoma State, looking to secure their chance at a BCS bowl, goes into Norman last week, with Zac Robinson back, and gets destroyed 27-0. Blanked. Zero'ed, goose egged. Bent over, basically. BCS bowl hopes, gone. It's not just one game, though. Earlier this season, the Cowboys get the Longhorns at their home in Stillwater and they do what they do in every big game - they lay down and die, 41-14.

Oklahoma State needs to beat two teams (or maybe just one???) to prove that they can compete with the big boys. Against those two teams they get outscored 68-0.

My quandary is this - do you blame Mike Gundy, or can he be blamed when it's the nature of Oklahoma State football to be that guy you work with who tells you about all the great things he's going to do but never has the guts to get them done when the time comes?

T Boone Pickens is starting to look like that guy, too, and the longer Gundy sticks around without winning some big games, the more both look like clowns. So... what do you think? It's the nature of Oklahoma State, it's Mike Gundy, or it's the combination of Gundy, Oklahoma State, and Pickens. I'm going with the latter - maybe they belong together just like the Marx Brothers.

Poll

Your vote for Big 12 Cob of the Week:

The entire University of Colorado and their fan base.

119 votes

DirecTV - for constant confusion, disorganization and all-around suckage

26 votes

Mark Mangino - to arrogant to realize that yes, things come back to haunt you when you lose

46 votes

Gundy, Pickens, Oklahoma State - All Made For Each Other Just LIke The Marx Brothers

37 votes

228 votes | Poll has closed

The Alternative Names of Ndamukong Suh

Cobby — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 04:25:45 -0000

Blatantly stolen...er... inspired by Orson at EDSBS, we present a list of alternative names for Ndamukong Suh, not because we're tired of hearing his name, but because it'll be easier for pansy-ass announcers too intimidated to pronounce Ndamukong. You know who you are.

And since we're not nearly as witty as that Swindle guy (or we'd come up with our own material), we're staying under 29, because it's darned hard coming up with Cameroonian-influenced names (so we mostly didn't try):

Crunch Colthead

Bang Legsnap

Runemdown Fastsmash

Rockhard Anklebend

Fulfulde Bodyslam

Forcefumblesack Pow

TisSadly Noholdingcalls

Kodiak Squashurass

House Hardtomove

Runover Dathawkinsdude

Bamileke Slamileke

Spearthump Beefkill

Boom Bullrush

Gutwrench Kickblock

Stud Thunderclap

Ewondo Sockettear

Awestruck Hornsblood

Drumbeat Steelbuns

Bonebreak Thistysquish

and last, but certainly not least:

BronkoLombardiOutlandBednarik Guy

Big 12 Cob of the Week - Very Late Edition

Cobby — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 15:19:34 -0000

Thursday? We used to get these things out on Tuesday, when people were still thinking about last week's games. What's happening here? I'll tell you what it is. It's that guy who went through the name change. All cocky now, but can't manage a deadline worth a damn.

You know, he told me once that in his 19 years of writing in the computer industry, he never once hit a deadline. Ever. So what do you expect here?

Heading into the last week of the regular season, the Big 12 is settled. The games are being played for pride, for bragging rights, or for a better bowl game. Ooooooohhh, the Cobs will come out!

Jlew:

Mike DeArmond who covers Missouri for the KC Star gets my cob nomination this week for his smarmy article to start the football season.He called anyone picking Nebraska to win the North as "abso-tooting-lutely nuts" Here is the money quote though-

The Cornhuskers have an inexperienced quarterback, lost just as much as Missouri on offense, don't have a running back of the caliber of MU's Derrick Washington. Shouting The Blackshirts Are Back! seems based more on the hope that Bo Pelini is a defensive genius rather than a first-year college head coach that was simply better than Bill Callahan.

He did post a preemptive defense, basically saying that he WAS right, MU and KU just sorta lost their way, NU does have a good defense but NU isn't really better than at least MU. So for his fine blogging work I nominate him for our Cob of the Week. May he find an appropriate place to stick it, in his office.

Husker Mike:

Alex Cate, the Cowboys backup quarterback that spotted Colorado a 14-10 halftime lead by not being able to hit the broad side of a barn before being pulled for Brandon Weeden. Cate was 0-9 passing in the first half and if the Buffalo secondary was capable of catching footballs, Cate might have been 0-9-5 or something close.

Jon J:

Baylor goes into the Texas A&M game last week and lies down like a dog, 38-3. Quarterback Nick Florence goes 21-for-31 for 177 yards and two INTS. The Bears managed 297 total yards against the 100th-ranked Texas A&M defense formerly known as the "Wrecking Crew". This is the week after Baylor went into Columbia and scoring 40 in a win over the Tigers. Was Baylor wanting to end their season that quickly?

Poll

Your vote for Big 12 Cob of the Week:

KC Star’s Mike DeArmond - big preseason words with a wiener-like follow up

79 votes

Alex Cate - horrid first-half performance that nearly cost Oklahoma State game against Colorado

12 votes

Baylor - For not bothering with the last game of the season. Next time, forfeit, huh?

13 votes

104 votes | Poll has closed

Five Possible Replacement Coaches for Dan Hawkins At Colorado

Cobby — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 05:41:42 -0000

I thought I'd help out Colorado should they decide to replace Dan Hawkins after this coming weekend. Plus, it's never a bad idea to be prepared with a list of potential head coaches should something happen to the existing one (such as having a mental breakdown after yet another losing season).

Here's a nice list of potential replacements!

Toaster

Pros:
Inexpensive, Easily replaced with another just like it.
Diversity - can create any color of toast you desire from white to pitch black.
Buttons and levers confound opposing defensive coordinators
Easy-slide bottom tray for crumb removal.
English muffins with tons of butter!

Cons:
Will never go for it on fourth down, regardless of situation.
Tendency to burn things when you're not looking.

Turner Gill

Pros: Heads explode as Husker fans confused whether to hate him or not for choosing Colorado
Head coaching experience at FBS levelAfrican-American Head Coach means those loudmouth whack job profs will shut up about inequality in college football head coaching ranks
Integrity will not allow NCAA violations

Cons: Much more expensive than other options (pun!). Loudmouth, whack job profs start screaming about exploitation
Over time, Turner Gill's goodness would have a negative reaction with the evil that is Boulder, causing a rupture in the fabric of the universe and ending all reality as we know it (a small price to pay for football success!)

Klaus Bierbauch

Pros:
Less expensive than a than most other coaches
Decades of (armchair) coaching experience
Always knows where the beer is
His sexy, man-beast moves will attract more season-ticket holders

Con:
Will always go for it on fourth down, regardless of the situation because that's just who he is

Aspen Tree

Pros:
Inexpensive initial contract
Fits in well with "Ralphie's Green Stampede" environmental initiative.
Represents Colorado at it's finest by reminding everyone of the natural beauty of Colorado and the Rocky Mountains
Provides cooling shade in early fall
Seedlings to provide inexpensive assistants

Cons:
Horrible at away games, particularly in warm climates.
Replacement would require expensive environmental study and public relations problems with hippie protests.

"New And Improved" Dan Hawkins

Pros: "Changes will be made" promises sound great because of high charisma level
Great Hair At A Cheap Price

Head coaching experience at FBS level.
10 Wins And No Excuses (and this time he means it!)
No buyout money!

Cons:
Another off-season of building up hopes and dreams only to see them squashed.
"New And Improved" means six wins.

Big 12 Cob of the Week: Can A Fat Man Fit Under A Bus, Texas A&M, and Colorado

Cobby — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 21:19:33 -0000

More photos » by Orlin Wagner - AP

Todd Reesing tries to protect himself while the KU program comes down around him. It won't help. If that's Mangino above him he'd better run now. The impact crater will be enormous.

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I got tired of waiting for Corn Blight to give me a nomination so the heck with him I'm going to do one of my own. Maybe it's not fair to Husker Mike and Jlew because it didn't happen last week but it happened because of last week. I going to make this nomination because its the 800-pound gorilla ha ha ha that can't be ignored even though everyone in Kansas want us to.

Q: Can Mark Mangino fit under a bus?

A: Only if it's a really big bus.

My nomination goes to Kansas athletic director Lew Perkins. It's pretty clear by now that Perkins wants Mangino gone, to the point that he's released university documents detailing an example of Mangino's bad behavior. Oh. Maybe Perkins didn't release those they were leaked! We've heard about Mangino "putting his finger in the chest of a player" as if its a bad thing. First he could have put his finger somewhere else we'd have to hear about and second there are 300 pound guys running into each other as part of the sport. If some player can't handle his coach putting his finger in his chest perhaps he could take up a board game like Clue or better yet Chutes N Ladders.

If Perkins wanted to fire Mangino, why doesn't he just call him into his office and fire him. Because that requires a spine. Better to drag your own coach through the mud than to have people question you. That makes me want to work for him right there.

KU will get a better coach. They'll be a football powerhouse. Taxes will go down, every one will get free chickens and no one who graduated a Jayhawk will ever die again. Good luck with that, Lew

Husker Mike:

Every so often this season, A&M jumps up and looks like an up and coming program. Then they go out and start swirling the drain again. This week, it was the 2nd quarter against Oklahoma, giving up four touchdowns to stretch a 14-10 deficit to 42-10 and a trip behind the Sooners woodshed. We expect performances like that from Baylor, especially now that Robert Griffin is out. We've grown accustomed to it from Colorado because of suckage at head coach...and now A&M seems to have become Colorado South. Or is Colorado now A&M North? Oh Bill Byrne, what have you done?

Jlew:

Oh Colorado we can't have a week without mentioning you. Just when we think you are going to show some pride, by beating Texas A&M, you go and lose to Iowa State. This is not just a single game aberration (see NU vs ISU) this is a continued melt-down. Four trips in side the 10 yard line resulted in 3 points. CU is now 2-18 in road games with Hawkins running the show, and CU will miss a bowl for the 3rd time in 4 season.

Poll

Your Vote for the Big 12 Cob of the Week:

KU Athletic Director Lew Perkins For His Gutless Handling of Mark Mangino

98 votes

Colorado - Because They Suck

53 votes

Texas A&M - because they may suck more than Colorado and that's saying a whole bunch

23 votes

174 votes | Poll has closed

Mark Mangino's Nebraska Strategy: Hold On Every Play (Good vs Evil Edition)

Cobby — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 15:18:22 -0000

Late last night in Lawrence, Kansas, a large man is wracking his brain for answers.....

So.... how you going to handle them?

Who?

Don't pretend. I know what you're thinking.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Fine, we'll play it your way. Ndamukong Suh and Jared Crick, Nebraska's defensive tackles. 14 sacks, 23 tackles for loss between them. Best set of interior linemen in the nation. What are you going to do about them?

We'll move Reesing around, double-team Suh when we can, keep in a blocker, run some screens and draws. We can deal with it.

Have you seen what these guys have done? Blaine Gabbert hasn't been the same since Suh squashed his ankle, that Sheffield kid from Tech is missing games because of a foot injury, and last week Oklahoma lost two players for the season, including their best blocker Brody Eldridge. How are you going to handle them?

Hell, I don't know. Got any suggestions?

Hold them on every play.

We can't get away with that.

Sure you can. Why not?

The penalties will kill us.

Ha!!!! Big 12 refs have barely called holding on these guys all year, why would they start now?

But....

Plus, you have a good reputation for penalties. If they start calling it too much, you remind them how swell your guys are.... and how nasty Pelini can be.....

What's going on here...?

Nothing.
Nothing.

I can read his mind too, you know. This sounds a little.....

A little....?

..... a little like cheating.

Cheating? It's only holding if they call it. Everybody holds. Right coach?

...

Besides that..... he's protecting the health of his players.

That's a rationalization. People do that all the time.... do something they know is wrong, but rationalize it away. You really wouldn't do that would you, Coach Mangino?

pssst... you ever notice how angels kind of look like pastry?

Yeah..... pastry...... (inhales sharply, angel disappears)

Whoaaaaaa, took care of that problem!!!!

What were you saying.... how can we get away with this?

Big 12 Cob of the Week: Missouri's Defense, KSU Fans And Texas A&M's Hopes... All Fading

Cobby — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 02:09:10 -0000

More photos » by JACK DEMPSEY - AP

Photo Caption Contest!!!!!

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What a week in the Big 12! An odd week in that neither Nebraska or Colorado got nominated for Cobs, perhaps setting up a monumental showdown at the end of the season where Nebraska must win in Boulder to win the Big 12 North or lose it to some other less worthy team.

What is going on in the photo above? Are we witnessing the joyous grasp of victory, or is there fraternization going on within the Buffs football team? Caption that photo in the comments section!

Husker Mike:

I'm going with Missouri's defense. Iowa State shut out Baylor until late in the game. Nebraska's true freshman quarterback threw a pick-6 to get Baylor on the scoreboard.

But all of a sudden Baylor scores 40, and Missouri allows true freshman quarterback Nick Florence to set a Baylor school record 427 yards passing.

Baylor scores 40 ... in Columbia ... without Robert Griffin???

Jew:

KSU fans are bad family members. With Bill Snyder coming back the season was seemingly to be a year-long welcome back tour, called the "K-State Family Reunion" but it seems that KSU fan can't be bothered with family. K-State as you may have heard leads the B12 North. Last Saturday this league leading team played against the hated rival Kansas in the Sunflower Showdown.

Ron Prince had been unable to beat Kansas, ever. It would seem to be a big deal. So where were the Purple fans? Saturday in Manhattan was beautiful, sunny, high 60's, no wind, but the announced attendance in the Bill Synder Family Stadium was only 48,306 (Capacity is 52,200). You have something better to do Cat Fans? And where were you Jawhawk fans? Too busy defacing property in Manhattan?

Corn Blight:

Oh... Aggies, Aggies, Aggies. You lose to Colorado. A loss that crushed your bowl dreams and has somehow given the Buff faithful hope? How could you be so cruel?

Poll

Your Vote for the Big 12 Cob of the Week?

Missouri's defensive collapse against Baylor

56 votes

KSU Fans - Bill Snyder's rebirth has lead to them leading the Big 12 North and they don't bother to show up

47 votes

Texas A&M - for losing to Colorado

23 votes

126 votes | Poll has closed

Nebraska and Oklahoma - Just Old Friends Getting Together Again.....

Cobby — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 18:52:46 -0000

I was having lunch with my dear friend Nebraska this week when an "old friend" happened by......

Hey, Nebraska! How you doing, sweetheart! You look great! As wonderful as ever!!!

Barry! Oh, it's so good to see you!

I miss the times we had together. Wish we could see each other more often! (sees Tom Obsorne and quickly saunters off after him). Don't you ever change! (wink)

That's a little disgusting.

What?

Barry Switzer?

He's always so nice to me. He's a really sweet man. He's aged well, too (fetching). You're just jealous.

Jealous that I can't get away with that much bullshit. Amazing he's not a politician.

Oh, he's not that bad.

What are you talking about? The guy was a cheater. He cheated all of the time. He cheated so much they ran him out of college football and here you are eating candy out of his hand and pretending you're back in 1982.

He says nice things about me. He tells me how much respect he always had for me and how hard it was to win.

He's not nice to you. He was never nice to you. He ruined so many holidays.... even in 1978 when you finally had a decent Thanksgiving, he turned around and ruined New Years.

We put on some great shows together! Since the Big 12 came along it's never been the same!

Yeah, but it's been what, 12 years?Maybe you should accept the fact that time has moved on. But you can't do that, can you, because you're still in love with Oklahoma. The problem is, it's not based on reality, it's based on a concept. An idea. You're in love with what you used to have and since it's been so long, you've romanticized it to the point that no one else will ever be good enough.

No one else..... like????

Colorado?

I can go see the mountains without seeing Buffaloes, Cobby. Please.... .Hippies?????? (makes finger in mouth motion, gagging)

Well, what about Missouri? They're doing better.

Maybe they could call me after they win a championship in something..... I had the best. The BEST. And you're expecting me to drop my standards and just accept whatever happens to come along. Has my beauty faded so much? You really know how to make a girl feel good.

Sorry.... you're right, you've got a point. How 'bout we just agree that you don't fall all over yourself whenever Oklahoma comes around..... okay?

Okay.

Hey! Nebraska, sweetheart! How you doing!

(cooing) Bobby! Oh my God! It's so good to see you!

Oh... God, why.....

Have I ever told you about the time Carl Pelini stayed at my house? And Bo used to be on my staff....

On your staff????? Oh.... Bobby tell me more! Cobby, weren't you leaving?

...

Big 12 Cob of the Week: Todd Reesing, Big Leads, And Colorado's Downward Spiral - Pick The Ultimate Suckage!

Cobby — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 13:51:13 -0000

More photos » by J.D. Pooley - AP

Darrell Scott - can you blame him for wanting to transfer? No. When the ship's on fire, it's every rat for himself, ain't it?

Browse more photos »

Boy, it's getting tough to pick these. Normally you have your good teams and your bad teams, but this year we have half-good and half-bad teams and they trade positions every quarter. Everyone but Texas that is. Texas has done one thing really well so far this season and that's crush the hopes out of everyone else in the South.

The Big 12 North is still fun for everyone! Everyone's still special and everyone still has a chance to be a winner! Unless you're Colorado..... I think.

Husker Mike:

Todd Reesing - Earlier this season, Mark Mangino touted Reesing as a darkhorse Heisman candidate. Against Texas Tech, Reesing played his way onto the bench. Suddenly, he has the running ability of Dan Marino and the passing ability of former Husker quarterback Mickey Joseph. In Kansas' spread offense, a quarterback who can't run and can't throw isn't very productive ... and suddenly Kansas is staring bleakly into the future. Mangino went out of his way today to name Reesing as the starter for this week, which tells you just how Cobbish Reesing has become.

Oklahoma and Missouri second halves: Hey, I admit it. I didn't pay any attention to the Sooners or Tigers in the second half. They had huge halftime leads against opponents they should have crushed, so why not watch other games? (Or in the case of the Sooners, take the kids out trick-or-treating...) Imagine my surprise to check back and find that both teams mailed it in the second half, and let both Colorado and Kansas State back into the game.) Is that a trick? Or a Cob?

Jlew:

Missing. Probably drunk at a convention somewhere where the weather is nicer than where you are.

Corn Blight:

I'm not sure what's worse - rats leaving the sinking ship at Colorado or Oklahoma State's egg-laying against Texas. A lot was expected of Oklahoma State this season - starting out highly ranked and going into November highly tanked (hyuk!), but why is this different than any other Cowboy season? (insert Mike Gundy "not a man" joke here).

Colorado, on the other hand..... did anyone see the whole thing falling apart? A number of sites mentioned how painful it was to watch Dan Hawkin's press conference last week, but the real beginning of the end has to be this week's announcement that potential savior greatest recruit ever running back Darrell Scott is leaving the program.

Colorado is finding new depths this season. By the end of it, they may have surpassed Kansas State last season with the Ron Prince's firing and secret contract. What'll be funnier is if the CU faithful start to howl about bringing back Bill McCartney....... Ooops, they already have!

Poll

Your Pick for Big 12 Cob of the Week?

Colorado - for sinking to new lows beyond what we thought was possible

121 votes

Todd Reesing - for being the metaphorical representation of his failing team

28 votes

Oklahoma and Missouri's second half - get a big lead, take a nap, wonder where it went

7 votes

156 votes | Poll has closed