SB Nation User Blog: Cornshoe Hammaker

Pulp Brewster

Cornshoe Hammaker — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 00:14:54 -0000

[Well, we're definitely bumping this.--OPS]

Scene: A shabby office on the campus of the University of Minnesota. Head Football Coach Tim Brewster is cornered on a chair, having a "discussion".

I'm sorry, did I break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. Please, continue, you were saying something about the Kansas job. What's the matter? Oh, you were finished! Well, allow me to retort. What does Joel Maturi look like?

What?

What country are you from?

What?

What ain't no country I've ever heard of. Do they speak English in What?

What?

English mother fucker! Do you speak it?

GO FIGHT TRY WIN BEST

Describe what Joel Maturi looks like. And say 'what' again. I dare you. I double dare you mother fucker! Say 'what' one more Goddamn time!

He's old.

Go on.

He's white.

Does he look like a bitch?

What?

BOOM

(Brewster's lower left leg goes flying off at the knee)

GO FIGHT TRY PAIN

DOES HE LOOK LIKE A BITCH?

NO!

Then why are you trying to fuck him like a bitch, Tim?

I didn't!

Yes you did! Yes you did, Tim. And Joel Maturi don't like to be fucked by nobody but Mrs. Maturi.

GO FIGHT TRY STAY AT MINNESOTA

That's what I thought.

Why the Coaches Poll Should Be Abolished

Cornshoe Hammaker — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 14:49:54 -0000

You mean besides that fact that Tim Brewster (GO FIGHT TRY VOTE) gets a ballot and has a direct hand in the BCS process? While that right there should be reason enough, some of his fellow coaches obviously have no goddamned idea what they are doing.

USA Today was kind enough to reveal each of the voting coaches final ballots. For the most part, Iowa was rated 9th or 10th. Maybe 11th in a case here or there. And it's clear that several of the coaches have forgotten Iowa's 21-10 win over Penn State earlier this year, as JoePa's squad is rated ahead of the Hawks by a notch or two.

But could someone please tell me what in the name of Christ Jim Harbaugh is thinking when he not only rated Iowa 16th, but look who he put above them at Number 14. Go ahead, I'll wait. He put Arizona. You remember, that team that Iowa dominated earlier this year in handing them a 10-point loss. The only thing worse than Harbaugh's ballot is that of Washington State coach Paul Wulff.

He had Iowa 18th and the Wildcats 12th.

I knew there were a bunch of assholes coaching in the Pac-10 Conference. I didn't realize they had a massive inferiority complex when it came to their conference perception.

Cap One Bowl Dims Fiesta

Cornshoe Hammaker — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 18:32:53 -0000

So I'm guessing I won't be the only one keeping an eye on the internet on Sunday afternoon regarding the Hawks potential bowl location. The CRG's Marc Morehouse once again has the goods in his blog with news that the Cap One will announce its pairings at 2 p.m. on Sunday, a good five hours prior to the BCS selection show.

I suppose that means when I see JoePa is heading to Orlando, I can go ahead and book those tickets to Phoenix. Anybody else with me on this?

Brewster's Active Imagination is Contagious...

Cornshoe Hammaker — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 15:06:10 -0000

It's bad enough that Tim Brewster makes up stuff that didn't happen when it comes to the Hawkeyes, as discussed in Patrick Reusse's column in today's Star Tribune:

Did you win the game?

"We did; we did,'' Brewster said. "But I don't think it had to do with the paper."

As it turns out, White's paper hanging went for naught. Brewster played only once in Iowa City and the Illini lost 14-13.

But now it has spread to sports writers as well, as evidenced by La Velle E. Neal's accompanying story about the game:

and the Hawkeyes haven't won -- since then. Once ranked as high as fourth in the country, they are out of the Top 25.

And of course by that he means #15 in both the AP and Coaches polls as well as #14 in the BCS.

Let's bury these dickheads on Saturday.

Outback Bowl Survival Guide (No Longer NSFW)

Cornshoe Hammaker — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 03:41:59 -0000

[Do NOT scroll down unless you are at work, with your office door locked, and you are in charge of IT. It's SFW only be y the slimmest of technicalities, which means it is functionally NSFW. Again, do not view at work unless you are a lawyer for Playboy.--OPS] [Never mind, we're safe. Mind the co-workers when you get to the cleavage, though.--OPS]

Okay, so you ponied up the money for the plane ticket, hotel room and game tickets to watch the Hawks cock-knock the Ol' Balls Coach. But do you really know what you're doing in Tampa? What do you need to know in order to maximize your fun level at the Outback Bowl? Well you are in luck. As a veteran of Iowa's past trips to Raymond James Stadium and a total of four Outback Bowls, Cornshoe Hammaker is here to help.

First things first. Tailgating. Hawk fans have a proud tradition of being able to "bring it" when it comes to game day partying. Now the folks in the ess-ee-cee like to think that they are pros when it comes to early-day intoxication. Let's show them how wrong they are. Case in point, two years ago Penn State vs. Tennessee. The Vols did a good job of showing colors, but when it came to the drinking, the Nittany Lions were able to show "Big Ten Power"

I love JoePa THIIIIIISSSSS much! And Miller Lite.

Now having braved Melrose on many a Saturday morning in the fall, I know first-hand what Iowa fans are capable of. The parking lots next to the stadium open at 7 a.m. on New Year's Day. I'll be there bright and early, I'll expect to see you there. Don't wuss out. Don't say you are too hungover from the night before. Man up, get up and get yourself a drink. You do it all the time back in Iowa City. Show some school spirit.

And speaking of school spirit, now is not the time to hold back on how to express it. You've waited all year for this bowl game. It's going to be sunny and 70 degrees. You froze your ass off at the Penn State game. And the Purdue game. Make the most of this game and the location its being played in.

(link for our Hawkeye Hottie, just for HFMR, NOTE: don't click on this if you are at work, in a public library, at your grandma's house, in church or have a general aversion to breasts- Cornshoe)

Now THESE are bloomin' onions...

Next, if you've got lower-level tickets, enjoy them. Cherish them. If you've got nose-bleed seats, find a "ticket relocation specialist" and trade up. Otherwise, you will be depriving yourself of watching your Hawks kick ass up close.

Wow, I can see Dallas Baker torching Antwan Allen from up close!

Now, don't let bad officiating ruin your entire trip. If you see anyone dressed as an official and they are from Conference USA. Stop them. Beat the shit out of them. By no means let them into the stadium. Or else this could happen...

Quit distracting me Larry! I've got a call to blow!

Of course if you are tailgating prior to the game and you see officials who look like this, well that's an entirely different story.

Appearing after the game down the street at Mons Venus.

I hope this guide has been helpful to you and safe travels if you are heading to Tampa. If you see me, and figure out who I am, come on over and say "hi", I might just give you a beer.

Go Hawks!

South Carolina's Leading Tackler Out for Outback

Cornshoe Hammaker — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 03:16:01 -0000

[LOLOLOLOLOLOL--OPS]

So I guess the rumors about a star player not being academically eligible for a bowl game were pointing at the wrong school.

The Gamecocks leading tackler, Safety Emanuel Cook, will miss the Outback Bowl.

As stated in the story, he is looking to declare for the NFL.

By missing the Outback Bowl, Cook's draft status will likely rise, since pro scouts won't see him getting Frank Duong-ed repeatedly by Shonn Greene on New Year's Day.

Time to Review Heisman Voting Credentials

Cornshoe Hammaker — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 00:42:44 -0000

All right so Shonn Greene didn't even get a trip to New York City to watch them hand the Heisman to Sam Bradford. Greene ended up sixth in total points in the balloting. I can live with that. I don't have a complaint about who the top three finalists were. Star quarterbacks from three of the top three teams in the nation. I don't have a complaint about Graham Harrell and Michael Crabtree finishing ahead of Greene either. Both put up big-time numbers in the toughest conference in the nation this year and they are on a Top Ten team. I can live with Greene finishing behind those guys.

It's when I see the stats for the rest of the voting. Michigan State's Javon Ringer finished 10th in overall points. That also, is not a problem.

The problem is that some Ass Clown actually gave Ringer a FIRST PLACE VOTE!

What the fuck is this guy thinking?!? Good Christ, did they watch any football this year outside of East Lansing? They actually thought that Ringer was better than Greene. Shonn Greene, who LED THE BIG TEN IN RUSHING. Greene who outgained Ringer head-to-head. They also thought that Ringer was better than Bradford, McCoy and Tebow.

I want to know who this voter is and who is going to replace them for next year's voting. Because they obviously have no business doing it again.

Greene Wins Doak Walker!

Cornshoe Hammaker — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 03:14:41 -0000

[Bumped. This was a foregone conclusion, but still, hooray Shonn Greene hooray hooray.--OPS]

Congratulations to Shonn for winning the Doak Walker Award tonight for the nation's best running back.

The Heisman Trophy has turned into a beauty contest. Being the nation's best running back is a badge of honor. Every carry, every yard, every spin, every Frank Duong driven into the turf makes him the best.

It has been awesome to watch him play this year. I can't wait to watch him run over Ol' Dirty Ballcoach in three weeks.

Saving Daniel Murray

Cornshoe Hammaker — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 01:18:19 -0000

[Best FanPost ever. Very, very bumped.--OPS]

Yeah, I was there. In my seat in Section 136. Saw the whole game.

Yeah, I ran out on the field (no, not the first time, I actually waited until the game was over).

Yeah, that was me discovering Daniel Murray, nearly buried under a sea of humaniity in the middle of the field.

Yeah, that was me, pulling him to his feet and guiding him to the safety of the sideline.

Yeah, that was me, front and center on your TV screen in the post game celebration.

But all of that paled in comparison to what happened before the game. I was standing behind the set of the Big Ten Network broadcast location when I saw him:

Captain Freedom himself. J Leman.

As he left the set, I seized my opportunity: "Hey J! Can I get a picture?"

via lh3.ggpht.com

I am a better and more patriotic American because of this picture.

[We all are.--OPS]