Roy . . .Rod . . . and Roopholyn

9/4/10 - 6:18 PM

 

A Federal Express package arrives at the visitors clubhouse at Citizens Bank Park.

Utility infielder Alcides Escobar notices the item and reads the label.

 

To: Milwaukee Brewers

From: Los Angeles Dodgers.

 

Hey guys!  Good luck against Roy Halladay.  A Dodger fan who was in that Hangover flick hooked me up with some stuff and it helped me last Monday!  Use it wisely!

Best regards,

Rod. B.

 

Escobar opens the package and sees a pouch of white powder.  The native of La Sabana, Venezuela knows exactly what to do next . . .

 

Top 1st:

With a game-time temperature of 76 degrees and a steady wind out of the northwest, Roy Halladay can feel a semblance of post-season energy for the first time in his career.

 

The ace righthander has every pitch working as he sandwiches strikeouts of Rickie Weeks and Ryan Braun around a soft grounder from Corey Hart to retire the Brewers in order.

 

With the home crowd cheers vibrating in the Phils dugout, Halladay notices the soft glow of blue Powerade along his traditional seat on the bench.  It is cool night, but Halladay's heart is pumping and so he decides a drink would be nice.  He sips the liquid . . .

 

Bottom 1st: 0-0

Roy Halladay sets down the half-empty Powerade bottle and watches Jimmy Rollins walk to the batter's box.  But just as Rollins' name is announced to the crowd, Halladay feels a buzzing sensation in his head.  He rubs his eyes, but is interupted by Rollins shouting "Should've laid off that curve!"

Halladay: "That's what you get for swinging first pitch!"

Rollins: "The count was 2-2 with a foul - that's SIX pitches GENIUS!"

 

Confused, Halladay settles to watch Placido Polanco go to work  But the buzzing returns and Hallady rubs his eyes again.

Polanco: "Got to lay off that outside change-up!"

Halladay: "Try taking a pitch next time, Polly!"

Polanco: "Dude, the count was 2-0.  What game are you watching?"

 

Halladay rolls his eyes and watches Chase Utley step to the plate.  He starts to rub his eyes again just as Ruiz taps him and says "Let's go big guy - side's retired!"

Halladay: "Can't anyone take a stinking pitch - I just sat down!"

Ruiz: "Dude, Chase saw 8 pitches - he had 3 fouls!  Get your head in the game bro!"

 

Halladay doesn't dispute Ruiz's account.  After all, he cant't understand a word his Panamanian catcher is saying.

 

Top 2nd: 0-0

Halladay climbs the mound and reminds himself that Prince Fielder would lead off the 2nd inning.

"Got to be careful here!  This guy's a tub of lard but he's strong as an ox!'

 

The pitcher rubs his eyes, but is then interrupted by a loud chorus of boos.  Halladay opens his eyes to see Fielder jog across home plate!  The Phanavision score board confirms Halladay's worst fears . . .

 

Brewers 1 - Phillies 0.

 

Halladay slaps himself in the face, then retires Casey McGhee and Chris Dickerson without incident.

"I just have to get Alcides Escobar here and keep this at 1-0"

 

The pitcher rubs his eyes, but is interrupted by even louder booing.  He opens his eyes to see Alcides Escobar jog across home plate!

ALCIDES ESCOBAR???

 

Bottom 2nd: MIL2 - PHI 0

Halladay sits in the dugout and wonders how on earth he gave up two homers he didn't remember throwing.

Ruiz interrupts Halladay's ruminations.

 

Ruiz: "Let's go big guy!  Time to work!"

Halladay: "It's bad enough we're not scoring, but can't the guys at least let me get some rest!"

Ruiz: "Howard and Werth went back-to-back!  Game's tied 2-2!  We've got this!"

 

Since Ruiz's inability to use syllables renders his pep talk incomprehensible, Halladay glances at the Phanvision and nearly spits out his gum.

 

Top 3rd: 2-2

Halladay remembers facing Ryan Braun (pop to short), Prince Fielder (double), Casey McGehee (grounder to pitcher) and Chris Dickerson (liner to third).

But he'll never remember the 92-mph Napalm ball that Corey Hart sent over the right-field fence.

 

Bottom 3rd: MIL 3 - PHI 2

The slow and steady recovery of the Phils left-handed sluggers continues as Chase Utley lines a Bush change-up into center field to score Jimmy Rollins from second.

Roy Halladay cheers as he watches . . . on Comcast SportsNite two hours later.

 

Top 7th: 3-3

Standing on the mound with two outs and four scoreless innings under his belt, Roy Halladay is relieved that his blackouts have ended.

As Corey Hart steps into the box, Halladay realizes that will be the ninth time he's allowed 3 home runs in a game.  He rubs his eyes and wonders how he'll deal with the embarassment . . .

BOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Halladay doesn't even open his eyes until Ryan Braun is announced as the next batter.

 

The return of Chase Utley to the Phillies infield has left Wilson Valdez with a lot more time to ruminate during games. The utility infielder knows something is up with Roy Halladay, but can't quite put his finger on . . . THAT'S IT!!!

 

The native of Bani, Dominican Republic grabs the half-empty bottle of Powerade. He suspects that the thrilling game might have made the Brewers catcher thirsty . . .

 

Bottom 7th: MIL 4 - PHL 3.

While Roy Halladay was opening the bottle of tainted Powerade before the game, several Phillie batters were flagellating themselves over being punked by Brewer releiver Kameron Loe the night before.

 

Shane Victorino works a 2-1 count, then shortens his swing to poke a Low Loe sinker (it looks funny at 2:28 AM - DON'T JUDGE ME!!) to center for a leadoff single.

Carlos Ruiz shortens his swing and pokes another Low Loe sinker to right for a single.

 

GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: MYTH VS. TRUTH

MYTH - The Phillies offense is built around hitting tons of home runs

TRUTH - The Phillies offense is AT IT'S BEST when guys shorten their swings, take pitches and put runners on base to create stress for the opposing pitchers.  The 3-RUN HOMERS are the occasional by-product of Charlie Manuel's offense by attrition.

 

Wilson Valdez enters the game as a pinch-hitter with runners at first and second.  He decides to have some fun with Brewers catcher Jonathan LuCroy.

 

Valdez: "Man, these tight games in September make me thirsty!"

LuCroy: "I know, man!  I just slammed half a bottle of Powerade between innings - really hit the spot!"

 

Lefthanded New Jersey native Zach Braddock comes in to relieve Kameron (Cameron) Loe (Lowe). 

Valdez shows bunt as LuCroy rubs his eyes.

The catcher blankly holds down two fingers for a change-up, even though this is a clear fastball situation. Ball one. 

LuCroy clears his head and calls for a fastball, but Braddock is now behind and nervous.  Ball two. 

More nervous.  Fastball in dirt.  Ball three.

Fastball in dirt.  Four-pitch walk.

 

Once again, Jimmy Rollins abandons his uppercut when it could be useful, and nubs a weak grounder to McGehee at third.  The third baseman makes a smart throw to LuCroy at the plate to force out Victorino.

 

LuCroy hears a dejected buzz from the Phils faithful.  He sees one out on the Phanavision, and wonders how that happened.

 

The catcher rubs his eyes, only to be interrupted by a deafening roar.

When LuCroy flips on Comcast SportsNite in his hotel room, this is what he sees.

 

Polanco flies to medium left field.  Ryan Braun settles and throws home.  Ruiz breaks and the ball comes in about 10-feet up the third base line.

Forgetting his job is to secure the ball at all costs, LuCroy blanky waits for the ball to arrive in his mitt.  As Ruiz crosses home, Zach Braddock races behind the batters box to retrieve the ball.

LuCroy sees Wilson Valdez sprinting home, but fails to realize that Valdez is GOING TO SCORE.  Braddock delivers a perfect throw that beats Valdez by five feet, but in his trance LuCroy catches the ball and stabs belt-high as Valdez slides underneath his mitt.

 

Final score: Phillies 5 - Brewers 4

 

I am Don Pigeon and I am OUT!!!

Fact one: Phils scored 12 runs last night

 

Fact two: Cole Hamels is pitching

 

Fact three: Brewers are starting left-hander Chris Capuano. His ERA is only 4.89, but he does have a pulse so he should be able to get Phillie hitters out with Hamels on the hill.

 

Over/Under on Phillie runs - 1.4

 

Top 1st:

Hamels is looking downright rugged tonight.  He's wearing about 3 days worth of stubble.  Wait, that's 3 days of Don Pigeon stubble, meaning about 10 days worth for Hamels!.  Regardless, he strikes out Rickie Weeks and Corey Hart on change-ups, and jams Ryan Braun for the third out.

 

Bottom 1st: 0-0

Rollins pops an 88-mph Nitro Zone fastball to Weeks at second base.  Man I wish that guy would learn to swing down on the ball!

Utley walks and Polanco shortens his swing nicely to send an opposite field single to right.

 

GOING PIGEON PRESENTS GRAMMER GRAMMAR 101 (Leave me alone!  I'm an accounant, not an English teacher!)

 

Shorten: in baseball this means to reduce the area of a batter’s swing. 

 

Mr. Rollins and Mr. Polanco; your assignment is to write this definition 100 times on the whiteboard before leaving class!

 

With the count 2-2, Ryan Howard watches a fastball sail past the barrel of his bat on the outside corner.

I'm pretty sure Mr. Howard had a Little League coach who told him PROTECT THE PLATE WITH TWO STRIKES.  That fellow would be really pissed right now.

 

Bottom 2nd: 0-0

Shane Victorino leads off by lifting a can-of-corn fly ball to left-center field.

 

Here is why Domonic Brown should not start ahead of any current Phillie - as some bloggers have suggested.  Rooke center fielder Lorenzo Cain prepares to catch the routine fly ball, then decides that Tony Luke's really does make a better cheezesteak than either Pat's or Geno's.  As this epiphany occurs, Ryan Braun is left to make a desparate stab at the ball, which lands softly at Cain's feet for a double.

 

This is the kind of judgement Brown has shown ON DEFENSE since coming up to the bigs.

 

Raul Ibanez shortens his swing and moves Victorino to third by grounding to second.

 

In honor of Goya's Latino Night at Citizens Bank Park, MyPhilly17 shows hispanic announcers Danny Martinez and Rickie Ricardo as they call the action in Spanish:

 

GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: ROSETTA STONE

 

Ricardo (translated to English): Raul Ibanez does a nice job shortening his swing so Victorino can move to third base - THIS JUST IN! - Bizarro Superman has just been spotted trying to blow Hurricane Earl onshore at Martha's Vineyard!!! Film at eleven!!

 

Carlos Ruiz taps a soft grounder to 3rd, allowing Victorino to sprint home from third.

 

Bottom 4th: PHI 1 - MIL 0

Exhuasted from a recent illness and hefty overtime at the office, Don Pigeon dozes off . . .

Ryan Howard leads off with a sharp grounder, but Prince Fielder robs him with a spectacular diving stop.  Cuddling beside me, Meghan Fox says, "Hey, that guy lost some serious weight!" 

 

Don Pigeon wakes up and checks the DVR

Ryan Howard leads off with a sharp grounder as Prince Fielder watches and says "Oh, Yeah!  Tony Luke's cheesesteaks are WAY better than Pat's or Geno's!!!

 

A Jayson Werth single and a Victorino walk load the bases for Raul Ibanez, who lunges after a telegraphed Capuano curve ball and strikes out.

 

GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: ROSETTA STONE II

Ricardo (translated to English): Raul Ibanez completely lost his balance on a curve that my six-year-old could have spotted - THIS JUST IN! - Clark Kent has just defeated Bizarro Superman and spared thousands of vacationers at Martha's Vineyard!

 

Ruiz follows by scolding a line-drive toward center field.  But Weeks has his Biff Tannen on tonight, and starts cheating toward 2nd base just as Ruiz swings.  The result is an inning-ending double play.

 

Bottom 6th: PHI 1 - MIL 0

Kameron Loe comes in to relieve Chris Capuano

The Brewer righthander looks pretty tall and tough customer.  When your parents don't know how to correctly spell Cameron or Lowe, you've got to be pretty tall and tough to survive.

 

Prince Fielder somehow manages to field a Ryan Howard grounder and reach around his pitcher to tag Howard as he dives toward the bag.

 

Curious to see if Katy Perry is my companion in this dream, I glance to my left only to see Maddie the Projectile Vomiting Cat beside me.

 

HOLY CRAP!  I wasn't asleep!  Fielder did make that play!  LIFE IS NOT FAIR!!!

 

Top 8th: PHL 1 - MIL 0

With Ryan Madson slated to pitch the ninth inning, Jose Contreras pitches the eighth in relief of Cole Hamels.

 

With 2 outs and the bases empty, the Naked Emperor dispenses valuable information about Rickie Weeks.

 

Wheeler: "With the score 1-0, you really have to be careful with Weeks!"

Pigeon: "Most 8-year veterans like Contreras know enough to be careful in the eighth inning of a 1-0 game!"

 

Top 9th: PHI 1 - MIL 0

Ryan Madson attempts to save the game for the Phillies, while at the same time solving the mystery of why such a supremely talented and successful setup man can be such a HAZMAT DISASTER as a closer.

 

After retiring Corey Hart on a soft grounder to short, Madson faces a potential choking situation when home plate umpire Deryl Cousins ignores a perfect 93-mph fastball at the knees.

 

GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: WIRED FOR SOUND

Home plate umpire Deryl Cousins: "Man, that Tony Luke's cheesesteak is going to taste so good with that bottle of Corona Lite with the little slice of li . . .um, I hope that pitch wasn't an obvious strike."

 

As Madson cracks four teeth and severs his tounge following the pitch, Chris Wheeler and Tom McCarthy hold their breath for 10 seconds.  Both veteran announcers knew that Cousins missed the call, but Wheeler believes he will be sent to Hell if he ever criticizes an umpire on live television.

 

Madson swallows three ounces of blood and proceeds to strike out Ryan Braun.

 

GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: FATHER-SON DAY

I grew up watching a jolly slugger named Cecil Fielder play for the "Brew Crew' Milwaukee teams of the 1980's. Always self-effacing and smiling, Mr. Fielder was the kind of fellow I enjoyed rooting for.

 

As a middle-aged adult, I am now watching a FAT, arrogant, and did I mention FAT first baseman play for the Milwaukee Brewers. Prince Fielder seems like a home run watching, lazy yet successful anyway kind of PUNK that I hate with every fiber of my being.

 

Why haven't the Mets signed this guy yet? They'd go PERFECT together!

 

Madson jams Fielder, who despite being comprised of 98.6% LARD, has enough strength to fist the ball 385-feet toward center field.  Fortunately for Phillies fans, the fence at that trajectory is 390-feet, allowing Victorino to make a slick running catch to end the game!

 

Final score: Phillies 1 - Brewers 0

 

Final score from Miami: Marlins 6 - Braves 1

 

I am Don Pigeon and I AM OUT!!!

 

Pre-game:

Tom McCarthy and Chris Wheeler open by discussing how on earth the Phils can stop Rod Barajas.

 

Career stats against Phils: 11 games -  .514 avg. - 8 HR - 19 RBI

Team record against Phils: 10-1

 

GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: WMPS NEED NOT APPLY

The way to deal with a career .234 hitter who is destroying your pitching staff is to SEND HIS FACE TO THE DIRT AND HIS CLEATS TO THE SKY.

 

Rod Barajas is feeling WAY-WAY-WAY too comfortable against Phillie pitchers.  The surest way to reduce the Matador's comfort level is to test ability to dodge a fastball headed for his ear-flap!

 

If the benches clear, the benches clear.  Incidently, we owe Joe Torre and the LA Dodgers a bench-clearing brawl for what Ronald 'Punk' Belasario did to Wilson Valdez back on August 10.

 

Top 1st:

Rollins tries to uppercut a hanging curve to the seats, but Dodger Stadium is a fly ball graveyard.  Can of Corn to RF.

Polanco singles to RF and Utley gets hit by a pitch.

Howard crushes a fastball, but the Biff Tannen defense (Dodgers magically decide NOT to overshirt Howard?) produces a double-play as Rafael Belliard gobbles the wicked grounder.

 

Bottom 1st: 0-0

Chris Wheeler: "The problem with Kyle Kendrick is too many base-runners."

Don Pigeon: "The problem with obese people is too much fat."

 

Once again, Kyle Kendrick huffs a can of Fear Toxin before taking the rubber. 

Scott Posednik ends a brilliant at-bat with on opposite-field double to left on a tough outside-corner pitch with two strikes.

 

Gripped by terror as the toxin takes effect, Kendrick plunks the mighty Jamie Carroll on the shoulder.

Andre Ethier bails out KK with a first-swing pop-up. After Matt Kemp lines a single to center, Kendrick walks James Loney to force in the game's first run.

 

Top 2nd: LAD 1 - PHI 0

Jayson Werth swigs a bottle of Monster Hitman before leading off the 2nd.  With his brain fully engaged, Werth keeps his hands back and lines a double down the RF line.

Following a deep Raul Ibanez fly to right and a walk to Shane Victorino, Brian Schneider dons the Rod Barajas Matador cape and slams a 3-run HR to right.

Top 3rd: PHI 3 - LAD 1

Following leadoff singles by Placido Polanco and Chase Utley, the Dodgers pull Carlos Monestarios in favor of Ramon Troncoso. 

 

GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: WIRED FOR SOUND

Troncoso: Hey, Big Guy!  I got some E.L.Fudge from home.  You look like you could use a piece!

Howard: "I love you, man!

 

Howard blasts a 3-run HR to left center!

 

Bottom 5th: PHI 6 - LAD 1

Rod Barajas singles to left field to start the inning.  He would eventually score on a Jamey Carroll groundout.

 

I swear to God; Clark Kent could pull on a Phillies jersey and The Matador would go 2-for3 off him!

 

Botton 6th: PHI 6 - LAD 2

With just 76 pitches thrown, Kendrick should be able to give Charlie Manuel one more inning.  But after Matt Kemp starts the inning with a cue shot single to center, Kendrick sends some 90-mph Napalm to Janes Loney.  The first baseman sends a souvenir to a lucky Dodger fan in right field.  2-run HR.

 

Top 7th: PHI 6 - LAD 4.

After Scott Podsednik earns himself a WEB-GEM moment by spilling into the stands while catching an Utley pop-up, the batteries on George Sherill's GPS go dead.  The Dodger lefthander walks Howard and Werth.

 

After a two-out intentional walk to Shane Victorino, Joe Torre begins the long descent toward Alzheimer's when he brings Jonathon Broxton to face Carlos the Beast Ruiz.  The Phils catcher triggers PTSS for Broxton by lining a two-run single

 

Pre-game:

 

38-year-old righthander Hiroki Kuroda brings a 0.95 regular season ERA against Phillies into tonight.

 

GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: MYSTERY QUESTIONS OF LIFE

Why do ancient Japanese players dominate the Phils? Kuroda is 38, Hideki Matsui was 35 when he curb-stomped the Phils in the 2009 WS.

I think Charlie Manuel may have played against these guys!

 

Top 1st:

Rollins gets ahead 3-1, but takes 92-mph heat in the nitro zone and jams himself trying to pull a 90-mph pitch in the outside corner. POPUP!!

 

Utley swings through a hanging change-up and K's on high-inside fastball. Pathetic AB!

 

Polanco takes full cut at 85 change-up instead of a two-strike defensive cut and K's.

 

Chris Wheeler: (Kuroda) does not throw balls in the middle of the plate"

Pigeon: "Actually Chris, I counted FOUR in the first inning!"

 

Bottom 1st:

Howard pulls an Adam Dunn by failing to reach down for an Andre Ethier grounder.  An easy force-out becomes infield single.

 

Baseball Karma pays Howard a visit two batter later as James Loney tomahawks a grounder past the first baseman for an RBI single.

 

Top 2nd: LA 1 - PHI 0

Howard crushes a 3-2 pitch toward right, but shortstop Jamey Carroll pulls a Biff Tannen and catches the liner.

 

Bottom 2nd: LA 1 - PHI 0

After robbing Howard of a hit, Carroll robs Roy Halladay of a strikeout by poking an 0-2 outside sinker to right field in front of the charging Jayson Werth.

 

On the surfact, this is a lucky hit - but Carroll played the game correctly and was rewarded.  He was fooled on a filthy 0-2 sinker off the outside corner.  He shortened his swing and gave himself a change to get lucky by making contact.  Well done.

 

Rod The Matador Barajas grounds into DP - and scores Casey Blake from 3rd.

 

Top 4th: LA 2 - PHI 0

Rollins tries to uppercut a 93-mph Nitro Zone fastball into the seats, but Dodger Stadium is a fly ball graveyard.  Can of Corn to CF.

 

Utley tries to uppercut a 94-mph Nitro Zone fastball into the seats, but Dodger Stadium is a fly ball graveyard. Can of Corn to LF.

 

 

Top 5th: LA 2 - PHI 0

Howard tries to uppercut a 91-mph Nitro Zone fastball into the seats, but Dodger Stadium is a fly ball graveyard. Can of Corn to SS.

 

With a 3-1 count, Werth tries to pull a decent, but hittable Kuroda fastball into the seats, but swings over top and grounds weakly to short.

 

With a 2-0 count, Ibanez puts a nice swing on a Kuroda sinker and lines out to left.

 

Bottom 5th: LA 2 - PHI 0

Roy Halladay experiences a Brett Myers ADD moment and unconciously delivers Rod Barajas a Napalm fastball over the inner-half.  The Matador slams the pitch over the left field fence to make the score 3-0.

 

GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: LAW AND ORDER

Judge to Roy Halladay: You are charged with reckless endangerment of the 2010 Phillies season in addition to aiding and abetting a known stiff.  How do you plead?

 

Halladay: Your Honor, it was the weirdest thing.  One second, Barajas stepped to the plate.  The next thing I knew, he was jogging around the bases.  I DON'T REMEMBER THROWING A PITCH!

 

Judge:  You are hearby prohibited from entering the Baseball Hall of Fame on your first year of eligibilty.  You will receive full consideration in your second year.  COURT IS ADJORNED!!

 

Miscellaneous

Kuroda inexplicably takes a no-hitter into the 8th inning, where Shane Victorino justly denies the righthander a piece of history by lining a single to right.

 

Final score: Dodgers 3 - Phillies 0

 

I am Don Pigeon and I am OUT!!!

Unanswered questions: (1) Why was Ibanez playing Carlos Lee shaded to center in first when the batter is a PULL hitter against a guy (KK) with a max 90-mph fastball? (2) Why did Ibanez have to go WEB-GEM and slide on a ball that he could have reached with a regular stride? (3) Why does Ferlazzo (sp) hold Werth at 3rd when two perfect throws were needed then send him when Hunter Pence was 250-feet from home on a DEAD RUN? (4) Why does Jayson Werth pass up on chance to remind Jason Castro that it was time to 'collect the rent' by knocking the catcher into McFadden's ? (5) Why don't the Phillies EVER dust opposing hitters that abuse them at CBP??? www.goingpigeon.blogspot.com