"The Senators front office admits the team hears complaints from fans who stay away from Toronto-Ottawa games because Leaf fans ruin the experience... This city needs to rid its hockey arena of the infestation of blue-faced critters that appear whenever the Leafs visit Ottawa. We need to give Toronto fans a mandatory Leaf of absence from Scotiabank Place."

The Citizen's Mark Sutcliffe writes a sort-of-but-not-really tongue-in-cheek column asking for one Leaf-free night.

Keep in mind this is the same town that once passed a bylaw against wearing Leafs jerseys.

Yes, yes, we all know this is one of those "stir up discussion" lists so the Leafs had to be on it no matter what. Fine.

Here's my question: the 2001-02 team? Really? The one where Gary Roberts and Alyn McCauley dragged a team of minor leaguers into the conference finals? That's the one people hate? Not, say, the 2002-03 team that dove into benches and said "boo hoo" at sickly players?

That seem odd to anyone?

"... if a team has four guys on contract like that, they’re actually icing a team with false values on their players. And if another team is playing it square, then you’re losing ground."

Right you are, Mr. Burke. Right you are.

I know a lot of folks aren't fans of Garrioch. Personally, I think he is what he is: a semi-homerish Sens beat reporter who's made a nice name for himself if the rumor business by being slightly more credible than Eklund.

Here's my question, though: How can somebody win an award for covering the Heatley trade demand story without ever actually reporting on why Heatley was demanding a trade? This is, literally, a news story with one and only one unanswered question. And you can now win a reporting award without even trying to answer that question? Is transcribing an awkward conference call really that difficult these days?

Really interesting tidbit slipped into Bill Simmons' latest mailbag:

"Near the end of the afternoon, I was talking to Polian, someone whom I was hoping would be an a-hole (since he runs my least favorite football team and all) but couldn't have been a nicer and smarter guy. He's one of those people you spend 20 minutes with and end up saying afterward, "It totally makes sense to me why that guy was and is so successful."

So we were saying our goodbyes and I asked why he was skipping the last group of panels. He answered that he was doing some scouting with his friend Brian Burke, the GM of the Maple Leafs. Burke had a player he liked. Polian was tagging along.

I was confused. We were less than 36 hours into the NFL's craziest free-agent signing period ever. We were just six weeks away from the NFL draft. Why would Polian want to spend a Saturday night at a high school hockey tournament in Massachusetts?

"Because I respect Brian and the way he thinks," he said. "I might learn something."

(Summarized from Calgary Puck, but read the first ten pages of the thread for full effect.)

1. Denial - We couldn't have traded him to the Leafs, they don't have anything worth trading for!

2. Anger - If we're not getting at least two of Kaberle, Kessel and Kadri, we should fire Sutter. And even that might not be enough. The Leafs still have their first round pick, right?

3. Bargaining - Wait, now Anaheim is involved. This could still be OK as long as we're getting Getzlaf or Bobby Ryan.

4. Depression - Who the fuck are those four guys?

5. Acceptance - Just kidding. There are only four stages.

Brian Burke and Ron Wilson answer questions from the Vancouver media about Ryan Kesler, but make sure to preface every comment by pointing out that they're not tampering.

The best part is that the Vancouver writer doesn't seem to understand that he's being mocked.

"It was not a mistake," says the National Post.

"Oh yes it was," reply people with ears.

I went in with a goal of getting half of the 159 names, and fell just short with 75 (although I'm giving myself credit for 76, since I don't think anyone can realistically be expected to correctly spell "Ihnacak".)

I missed #5, and three of the top ten. But I did get Chad Kilger. I think something is wrong with me.

Prediction: 1967ers will get all 159 before the ten minute mark.

... and in a stunning upset, the Habs aren't the landslide winners!

Who is? Here's a hint:

It’s remarkable how arrogant the fan base of a team with zero Stanley Cups, no Hall of Fame players, and two homoerotic Swedish twins that seem physically afraid of the playoffs can act.

Anaheim Ducks 96.5
Atlanta Thrashers 80.5
Boston Bruins 101.5
Buffalo Sabres 91.5
Calgary Flames 96.5
Carolina Hurricanes 94.5
Chicago Blackhawks 105.5
Colorado Avalanche 72.5
Columbus Blue Jackets 86.5
Dallas Stars 89.5
Detroit Red Wings 106.5
Edmonton Oilers 89.5
Florida Panthers 87.5
Los Angeles Kings 86.5
Minnesota Wild 88.5
Montreal Canadiens 93.5
Nashville Predators 84.5
New Jersey Devils 96.5
New York Islanders 70.5
New York Rangers 91.5
Ottawa Senators 83.5
Philadelphia Flyers 102.5
Phoenix Coyotes 72.5
Pittsburgh Penguins 102.5
San Jose Sharks 107.5
St. Louis Blues 91.5
Tampa Bay Lightning 85.5
Toronto Maple Leafs 85.5
Vancouver Canucks 96.5
Washington Capitals 104.5

What are your five best bets from this list? Which one is your lead pipe lock?

... at least according to the Sun, which says he's dropped 18 lbs from his training camp weight from last year after he "focused solely on his conditioning this offseason".

Which is odd, because I remember Wellwood and various Canuck fans swearing all last year that he was never fat in the first place.

This report seems well-sourced and has no doubt been fact checked in depth, so I'm going to just assume this is completely true.

Unleash hell.

From Bill Simmons' latest mailbag:

Q: Let's imagine for a second that you go to hell and are going to be forced to watch every game a sports team ever played and will play for the rest of eternity. Except, your memory will be wiped so you don't know the results (to maximize the agony) and you will become a die-hard fan of that team with no memory of other fan association (to ensure you don't get free Red Sox tickets forever). Which team in each of the four major sports will Satan be bestowing on you?
-- Marty, Flint, Mich.

SG: Cubs, Bills, Clippers, Maple Leafs. I didn't have to think for even six seconds about it. In fact, I think this is part of hell -- you have to adopt these four teams and watch their games as you listen to a looped recording of Bill Russell's laugh mixed in with Yoko Ono music and no-longer-timely sideline reports from Tony Siragusa. Welcome to hell.

Mataphorically speaking, of course.

Seriously, can you imagine any circumstances that would see a Toronto reporter writing this sort of pap about anyone inb the Leafs organization?

Owners don't often get to play the hero's role.

He's a hero two times over.