***Should we all meet at the T Gwynn Statue at the top of the 5th inning? Does that work for everybody?***

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Marlins vs. Padres. Trevor Hoffman Retirement Ceremony. Padres Backpacks for Kids. 

Do I have your attention? Oh...not yet? How about this:

The GLB "Meat" & Greet* Charity Bachelor Auction!!!

The big day is just around the corner and I figure now is as good as time as any to start getting our shit together and do a little planning. Who's in? Who's out? Where is everybody sitting? After what inning are we all making our annual pilgrimage to the Tony Gwynn statue for awkward pictures and heavy petting?

After the game, I'm certain the GLB Party Posse will be meeting for some ice cold beverages at an as yet to be determined location. That location will also host the Inaugural Gaslamp Ball Charity Bachelor Auction!!!

Ladies...save up your dough and cash out all your credit cards! Indulge yourself in beefcake, while at the same time raising money for a good cause. Here's just a sampling of the studs you'll be bidding on:

Sam (sdsuaztec4)

Bio: Sam is a sexy law student. He loves the Yankees, chardonnay and long, romantic walks on the beach. What Sam lacks in size...he more than makes up for in effort.

Fun fact: Was once taken into custody in the parking lot of a 7/11 on the outskirts of Modesto after being accused of dispensing Coca-Cola Slurpee directly into his pants.

theodore donald kerabatsos

Bio: Donny is a former Red Sox fan....but don't worry ladies, he's now a fully converted Padres fan.  His passions are massage therapy and toy boat building. A simple description by one friend: "cool dude, perfect nipples".

Fun fact: Worked as a Boom Operator for Rocco Siffredi Produzioni in Budapest during the late 90's.

justdave

Bio: Dave is a hunky former East Coaster. He went to school at U Conn - legend has it he traded Khalid El-Amin a large pepperoni pizza for his 1999 National Championship ring. Dave's past was in politics...now he molds young minds.

Fun fact: Dave placed 3rd in the 2009 edition of Manhunt International, an international male beauty pageant.

Axion

Bio: Ax is incredibly smart, an amazing cook and hung like a bull elephant. A former lover once described their relationship like this: "Sexually it was crazy. That's all I'll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, 'I want to quit my life and just f*cking snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to f*ck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep f*cking you.'"

Fun fact: Ax had a supporting role in the failed 2008 ABC television pilot "Bad Mothers Handbook" playing the love interest of the character played by Alicia Silverstone.

matthewverygood

Bio: Mr. Hollywood. The official Gaslamp Ball Entertainment Correspondent. Matto is easy to spot at Petco Park...just look for the handsomest man you've ever seen in your life - wearing a Yoda backpack. Take advantage of what will most likely be your one and only chance for a date with a man of this caliber.

Fun fact: During a heated discussion with Les Moonves over dinner at The Palm in West Hollywood, Matt reportedly told the CBS chief that what they were offering him to replace Charlie Sheen on "Two and a Half Men" was "complete shit". The two had to be separated.

John Gennaro

Bio: John is an athlete with the beautiful body that appears to be sculpted out of marble to prove it. He loves the Chargers, loves the Padres and makes a raspberry creme brulee cheesecake that is to die for. Long rumored to be gay...John is eager to dispel the rumors and give one (or two) ladies an enchanted evening to remember. 

Fun fact: Designed the now famous Maid of Honor dress Pippa Middleton wore during the Royal Wedding ceremony.

Drama

Bio: Arrested many times....but never convicted. NEVER accept a drink from this man....even an un-opened bottle of beer. Obsessed with ass-play.

Fun fact: Had a bit part in the adult film "Moulin Splooge".

Wonko

Bio: In the GLB, Wonko can come across as a bit of prick with zero patience for stupidity...but the truth of the matter is, he's soft-spoken, hopelessly romantic and a very generous lover. His waterbed mattress is filled entirely with baby oil...just in case. 

Fun fact: Wonko paid his way through college at Purdue by working nights and weekends as a high-priced male escort.

jbox

Bio: Has slept with every member of the Pad Squad since the 2007 season. Is overly critical of ball girls and despises members of the Petco Park grounds crew. Has "long elegant, delicate fingers" and "dainty wrists".  Ladies, the man invented Jalapeno Handshakes.

Fun fact: Has never actually watched a baseball game in its entirety.

*****************BACHELORS STILL UN-CONFIRMED AS OF DATE OF PUBLICATION**************************

TheThinGwynn

Bio: The man behind Friars on Cardboard.  Enjoys midnight snacks wearing nothing more than a Padres hat and a grin - this is something that has gotten him banned from more than one grocery store.  Keep your fingers crossed...there are rumors he's heading West.

Fun fact: TTG became a Padre fan after having sex in a kindergarten classroom with John Kruk's wife....or something like that. I know it has something to do with John Kruk...details are sketchy. 

Winfield's Ghost

Bio: While he's a published novelist, his short-lived "Smells Like Padres In Here" feature drew far more readers than any of his books ever have. WG loves David Archuleta, ice cream sandwiches and masturbating with corn syrup.

Fun fact: In recent months, has been romantically connected with Casey Anthony.

There you have it, ladies. I know it won't be easy to bid on just one. As I mentioned before, the Inaugural Gaslamp Ball Charity Bachelor Auction is for a good cause: all the proceeds go to buy eastbaysd season tickets to the Texas Rangers.

*The Official GLB Meet & Greet is an independent forum and is not endorsed, sponsored, affiliated with or otherwise authorized by Gaslamp Ball, Dex, jbox and/or kev (R.I.P. – WG rest his soul.)

It has become apparent to me that some of you are actually rooting for the San Francisco Giants to win the World Series. What in the hell is wrong with you? What is this whole "Oh! I'm rooting for the NL West!" crap? Division pride? Are you serious? You're kidding right? You hate a team to it's very core for 162 games PLUS Spring Training and then you switch a flip and root for them?? Root for the Giants?

And the last thing I want to hear is this shit about wanting to see "Boch and Flan win a ring". Vomit. I see your Boch and Flan and raise you a collection of assholes I don't want to see anywhere near a World Series trophy: Matt Cain, Jonathan Sanchez, Brian Wilson, Jose Guillen (Yes, I am aware he's not on the active roster, giant lover.), Aaron Rowand, Barry Zito, Brian Sabean, Mike Krukow.

Matt Cain is a little bitch that scrapes the SD off the back of OUR mound in OUR house every single time he pitches at Petco. Jonathan Sanchez? Ugh...no Padre fan could want to see him celebrating a Championship.  Brian Wilson? Isn't his beard alone enough to hate him?  Jose Guillen is a notorious clubhouse cancer that should never win a Championship. Zito and Rowand's contracts combined total $186 million dollars...Rowand is so bad he rides the bench and Zito isn't even good enough to make the playoff roster. This reasoning also applies to why Brian Sabean should never win a ring. Mike Krukow sounds EXACTLY like Mark "Mud" Grant...and for that, I can't stand the guy. I'm not even going to go into the whole stupid-ass Panda thing with Pablo Sandoval.

You really want to hear Giants fans rubbing a World Series Championship in our face?  I don't agree with Dodger fans on ANYTHING....but I can tell you they want the Giants to get swept just as badly as I do.

If you can root for one of our most hated rivals just a matter of days after having our hearts broken by that very same team....then I put the collapse on YOU. YOU clearly didn't hate them enough during the regular season. YOU failed us with your closet Giant love.

Go Rangers!!!!!!

So...the long-awaited Chinese Heritage Day is just a few short days away and I was hoping we could hammer out some concrete details as to where and when we should meet and get an idea of just how many GLBers will be attending. (This way I know how much weed to bring.)

Would meeting at the T Gwynn statue after the third inning work for everybody?

As many of you already know...some of our most beloved members will not be able to attend for a variety of reasons. One failed to exclude Petco Park in her (unfounded) restraining order...one is not permitted to leave the state of West Virginia...another is a closet mariner lover...another hates the Chinese and yet another is just too old to travel anymore.

Anyway...let's agree on a time and a spot.  Better suggestion? Let's hear it.

*The Official GLB Meet & Greet is an independent forum and is not endorsed, sponsored, affiliated with or otherwise authorized by Gaslamp Ball, Dex, jbox and/or kev (R.I.P. – WG rest his soul.)

So, here's the deal. I'm rolling into San Diego for a long weekend at the end of September. jodes has reluctantly agreed to meet me....but there are some stipulations. She will only meet me in a "high-visibility, public location" with "no less than 10 people" involved in the meeting.  I send her a facebook message telling her I'd like to see her when I come to visit and I get some certified letter from her attorney rambling on about "safety issues" and "deep concerns" about my "criminal history".  Anyway...

So, I'm hoping we could get a big group of GLBers together to celebrate the last REGULAR SEASON Saturday night game of the 2010 season. It's also Padres Calendar night! Bring a sharpie and I'd be happy to sign your boobs calendar. It's also Chinese Heritage Night at the ballpark. (Over there, they just call it Heritage Night.)

Game: Reds vs. Padres. Saturday, September 25th. First pitch is at 5:35pm.

Looking forward to enjoying an ice cold adult beverage and a jalapeno handshake with you f*ckers. If for some reason you can't make it to the game, we're all planning to meet at justdave's place around midnight that same night. Bring cash and hard liquor. Absolutely NO weapons!

Have you ever gotten over the joy of a sweep as quickly as after this particular sweep of the Pirates? I hated the fact that going into this series there was all that talk about how we had to sweep them. It just didn't seem like us. The taking it one game at a time thing is the biggest cliche in sports, but it seems that's exactly what this team has done this season. There are still 49 games to go and I just hope we don't get too far ahead of ourselves.

Nothing against the Pirates, no matter how much a team is struggling it's always satisfying to pull off a sweep, but we all knew what was looming this weekend.  Knowing how big a series this one against the Giants is, knowing how that little bitch Jonathan Sanchez was running his mouth...our baseball team deserves a lot of credit for concentrating on the task at hand and taking care of the Pirates.

According to everyone's favorite baseball writer...Ken Rosenthal tweets that the Giants have acquired Jose Guillen from the Royals. Enrique Rojas says he'll play tonight. Smell that? Yeah...it's desperation.

So....enough of my blathering on and on....the reason I made this diary FanPost was because I can't wait for Around The Mission to get posted and I needed a place to spew my hatred for the f*cking Giants....so here it is.

Let the hate flow through you Padre fans...one reason I hate the Giants is because their TV color analyst had radical throat surgery in Nicaragua just so that he could change his voice to sound exactly like Mark Grant. True story.

I don't think I've ever done one of these without a hangover....and I don't really remember how to even do this...

Padres get blasted by 9-0 by the f*cking Dodgers and Vicente Padilla.

Jed Hoyer....sexiest GM? Or sexiest GM ever?

LA Times Q & A with Dick.

Mat Latos is awesome.

Padres are taking it slowly with Eck.

Anybody want José Guillen? The Royals kicked his ass to the curb today.

Lily Allen is pregnant and it's not mine. :(

Correia vs. Billingsley - First Pitch is at 7:10PM   MWG!!!!

I make it to Peter's in just under 2 1/2 hours. I had the air cranking the entire ride and when I open the door to get out the heat punches me in the face.  East Coast heat and humidity are the worst. I need a drink.

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Lowest team ERA in all of baseball. Lowest batting average against in all of baseball. Lowest team WHIP in all of baseball. More strikeouts than any other team in baseball. Given up fewer runs than any other team in baseball...34 runs fewer than the next team.

Simply put, the best f*cking pitching staff in Major League Baseball. And how many Padre pitchers on the All-Star Game roster? Not one. Nada.

But Heath Bell is one of the NL Final Vote hopefuls! Hooray!

NL Pitching Staff:

Josh Johnson – Marlins

Tim Lincecum – Giants

Tim Hudson – Braves

Jonathan Broxton – Dodgers  

Arthur Rhodes – Reds

Adam Wainwright – Cardinals

Chris Carpenter – Cardinals

Brian Wilson – Giants

Evan Meek – Pirates

Ubaldo Jimenez – Rockies

Matt Capps – Nationals

Yovani Gallardo - Brewers

Adrian made the team as a reserve.

My favorite headline on MLB.com:

National League plans to win All-Star arms race

The NL roster features some of the greatest pitchers in the game, as the Senior Circuit hopes to best the AL for the first time since 1996 and secure home-field in the World Series.

"Some of the greatest pitchers in the game" that don't pitch on the greatest pitching staff in all of baseball.

Let the hate flow through you Padre fans. I know we all despise the Red Sox and the Yankees (except you 'Tec....dirty yankee lover)....but we can all agree: WE HATE THE F*CKING DODGERS AND THE F*CKING GIANTS EVEN MORE!

Go Friar! Increase the lead!

In other news.....Allison Stokke is crazy hot, we're undefeated since Efren's triumphant return, Ax is at the liquor store, I'm drinking a Vodka Tonic with lemon and lime and MLB Network can suck it for hiring that idiot Eric Brynes.

Cheers!

Wimbledon!

Oops.....we hate the Rockies too.

It's May 14th and our boys have just completed the greatest sweep of a division rival in years. So...I think it's a good time to check in on those May Beards in The GLB.  Don't be shy about posting a picture just because you're not as classically or ruggedly handsome as someone such as myself. It's a curse...really.

“Hello, ladies, look at your man, now back to me, now back at your man, now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me, but if he stopped rooting for losers with huge payrolls, he could have a May beard like me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re in a ballpark with the man your man could have a May beard like. What’s in your hand, back at me. I have it, it’s an oyster with two tickets to the Padres inside. Look again, the tickets are now Padre tickets to the World Series. Anything is possible when your man has a May beard and roots for the best baseball team in the National League. I'm wearing a Padres throwback t-shirt.”

This should actually be a lot of fun. There have, and always will be, certain players we simply can't stand for one reason or another. Maybe they just suck. Maybe they have the personality of a shit sandwich on pumpernickel. Maybe they tried to bang your married sister. Whatever the case...we all have them. Here's my list:

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