SB Nation User Blog: Elgar

Zen and the Art of the Absurd Football Prediction Parody

Elgar — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 01:28:15 -0000

HIGH TECHNOLOGY

In a Best Buy store in Stockton, California this Friday morning, a young man is playing Madden beside his companion on a jumbo hi-def screen. In this world of high contrast plasma, his red clad Niners faced the ultimate evil, the Minnesota Vikings. (Who is it that asks the question where he got that idea?) In cyberspace, the soaring avatar spirit of Nate Clements leaps and intercepts the spiraling football of Favre. Madden has spoken. The oracle sees all. Is the truth thus so? Who is it that asks this? There is no you. There is no me. Who is it that doubts Madden? Damn you, Favre. Another December dud. Let's all go meditate, but not with Jets fans.

THE HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE

Garbage in; garbage out.

Zen is screwed up. In Zen, there is no you or me, and the only way to attain enlightment is to wake up and realize that there is really no one to wake up. Well, it's much easier to talk a good game than it is to play one. When predicting, just predict. Yes, folks, Zen is so simple. Life is exactly as it is. But in that sleep of just-so stories what dreams may come? Aye, there's the rub.

Fortunately, the Vikings are not playing the Niners this week. Singletary looked really hot under the collar. Inside sources tell me we are playing at night in Carolina. (Stupid Madden.)

WHEN THE VIKINGS HAVE THE BALL

Probability and statistics and quantum mechanics do things and brains make up stories about what happened, no matter what. The butler did it. So Billy Preston had a story ain't got no moral -- let the bad guy win every once in a while. Preston is a good cornerback. Favre will have to watch out for him.

Hey! Stop that! What about Carolina, Elgar?

Oh, nothing could be finer. I did some exhausting research, as if that makes any difference. I hate it when those quanta take all the paths at once. My mother said never talk with food in your mouth. When you eat, just eat.

WHEN THE PANTHERS HAVE THE BALL

I asked my dogs about Adrian Peterson and Percy Harvin. I consulted an incompetent neurologist about migraines. I asked Steve Smith if he were in a bad mood or not. My old friends left Minnesota for the Carolinas. (You can leave Minnesota too. Some airlines have astral planes now because the Boeing 787 Dreamliner is late.)

WHETHER CONDITIONS

If Jared Allen jumps off sides in the woods and the instant replay camera does not show it, did he really make a noise? It depends on whether something was called on the field, which the officials have all huddled and spoke, if the mike was working.

CONCLUSION

Therefore, the Minnesota Vikings will defeat the Carolina Panthers on Sunday Night, 31-17, at least in the universe that true believers occupy. Others will suffer damnation and watch a werewolf start at quarterback for the Panthers in a parallel brane. (Heavenly shades of night are falling: it's twilight time.) That's how the multiverse works, folks. I kid you not.

No wonder Zen masters taunt each other. What you see is what you get. Don't let anything Judd Zulgad says confuse you otherwise.

The Mythical MSFC Stadium

Elgar — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 07:08:04 -0000

Yes, on December 17, 2009 AD, the last day before the month of Muharram of 1431 anno Hegirae, the Minnesota Sports Facilities Commission announced their pipe dream for a new stadium. (Happy new year! Can world peace now be far behind?)

Yes, read on, my children, to the spine-tingling battle and a the tale of two stadia: one with a governor who may have actually talked with Zygi Wilf (Shazam!), and the other one with custom environmental exemptions already signed by the Guvernator and backed by Ed Roski, the Daddy Warbucks of LA.

Which stadium to you think has the bright future, people? (Hint: "The sun will come out, tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar....")

(Oh, the Vikings? Do the words "I'll be back" or "Hasta la vista, baby" ring any bells for you?)

Sorry , Annie and Arnold. Oh yeah, now where was I?

Forget about fantasy football stadiums...

Back In the real world, Majestic Realty is working on a real NFL stadium. They not only have a design, they have real money, as well as already enacted legislation exempting the project from California environmental hurdles. They've bought off the complaints from the neighboring city of Walnut.

"Major Tom to ground control. Starting countdown. Engines on."

They have the land for it in City of Industry, a twenty-mile, hour's drive north of Anaheim.

Funny, it could be a coincidence that the seats in drawings of the new stadium look purple, couldn't it?.

If could also be a coincidence that the L. A. Lakers (formerly of Minnesota) wear purple and gold.

If could be the billionaire behind Ed Roski, who helped build the Staples Center a decade ago, just likes the color purple.

(Okay, it probably is a coincidence that Oprah is leaving her TV show and once appeared in "The Color Purple", but enough about Chicago.)

The times, they are a changin'.

Back in Minnesota, the "imaginary" stadium might somehow have 65000 seats, 7500 club seats, and 148 luxury seats, although Zygi Wilf is the only guy even hinting he has any money for a new stadium anywhere for the Vikings.

Sure, Minnesota has Prince and Dylan, but California is not lacking in celebrities. Out west, the new stadium will have 75,000 seats, 12,550 club seats, and 176 luxury suites.

(Roof, we don't need to show you no stinking retractible roof! Get real! This is Southern California. As for the wives' tales about there being no football fans out here, the truth is that over 100,000 people have written in trying to get season's tickets for an NFL team that is yet to be named. In case you have not heard, the median family income in Orange County, California, is over 70 grand per year, and its population is over two and a half million people.)

A team by any other name would smell as sweet. How about the California Terminators?

Californians can count. The NFL is in no position to expand. The Buffalo Bills have some thing going with Toronto. The Saints have holy protection and seem to be working it out. That leaves the Vikings left as the one with the most real stadium problem. You do the math: Let me see, as a Californian, do I want to move teams around my own state, like deck chairs on the Titanic, or do I want to steal teams from somewhere else, since NFL is not in the mood for expansion? Yep, I want more jobs out here, and I'm looking for unsuspecting suckers to pony up. Do I want the Rams back? Hell no. Give me a show with some real firepower.

Yes, Zygi doesn't need to attend meetings about some imaginary stadium built in some undetermined future century. He needs to attend meetings with any people capable of building a real stadium in short order, so his investors can start profiting from all the talent the Vikings have invested in the team. It is called "professional" football for a reason. The idea of being professional is to make money.

Now is the cheapest time to build a stadium, while construction workers and companies are dying for work. You cannot wait for the recession to end to build one. At best, the price of poker will go up on you. At worst, you won't have a horse left anymore to put in the new barn you build.

Minnesota didn't build a stadium when the state had so much money that Jesse decided to give it back. What makes anyone believe Minnesota is going to build a stadium?

So who is Zygi talking to these days? Is there some team of financially secure superheroes capable of saving Minnesota? Maybe they'll build one near the Mayo Clinic, so you can have surgery and watch touchdowns in recovery. Maybe they'll build the Laura Ingalls Wilder Stadium out of pipestone, somewhere out on US 14. Maybe there will be a sky city stadium, orbiting in the neutral zone above the Boundary Waters.

Nope. I don't think so.

Something tells me if no one invests in the future, there won't be one.

It's the golden rule: If you've got the gold, dude, you rule.

No Interest in NFL in LA, eh?

Elgar — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 07:00:04 -0000

Yes, there are as many incorrect statements being made about why the Vikings will never move to LA as there are lakes in Minnesota.

Here is a link to the newly-published answer to those morons you encounter who will constantly tell you there is no real interest in the NFL in LA:

http://www.sgvtribune.com/news/ci_13844153

Yes, that's right: They already have over 105,000 requests for season tickets for a yet-to-be constructed stadium featuring a yet-to-be-determined NFL team.

The real problem has been finding affordable real estate in a neighborhood out here where you won't be mugged and clearing any environmental issues. Unlike Minnesota, California has a governor who acts to support the future of pro football, and has cleared away the state environmental hoops for the new field.

If you haven't heard, Ed Roski, the man behind the new California stadium, doesn't need public funding. He makes Zygi look positively impoverished.

There are other ways of funding stadium improvements in Minnesota than taxing everyone. If serious consideration isn't given to finding a workable Minnesota solution now, Ed will be more than happy to take the problem of where the Vikings can play (and make money doing it) off your hands, and I'll be laughing as I watch someone try to explain to you on TV why they need to use your tax dollars to tear down the Metrodome.

Better suit up and come in off the bench.

California: We beat Wisconsin at making cheese. You're next. California's economy is in trouble, so we'd be quite happy to steal part of yours.

The Beginning of the End

Elgar — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 19:52:40 -0000

Some people believe the runestone in Kensington, Minnesota is fake. Or perhaps the stone's author knew more about writing in runes than some ivory tower folks who are centuries removed from it being commonplace.

In the future, perhaps people will wonder if the NFL Vikings ever visited Minnesota as well. Just reflect on the original Vikings. Look around the state and you may notice some Nordic-descended residents, but if the real Vikings ever came to what is now Minnesota in the olden days, they did not remain there, unless perhaps they have intermarried with the prior residents and perhaps are now working at a casino somewhere. Maybe some casino will save the NFL team, but I really doubt it at this stage.

The point is that once the current NFL Vikings are gone, they won't be back. If you think the other NFL owners are eager to extend charity to the north star state because they have some flag written in French, please clean your glasses, get the wax out of your ears, and listen to Cowboy's owner Jerry Jones. If Minnesota fumbles, the refs will not overrule it on a replay.

NFL football will not return, so just get ready for arena football. Maybe they'll take the arena team's colors from some other high school team and you will be happy. Maybe you'll really enjoy not hearing about the Minnesota Vikings on ESPN any more.

Whatever happens, my take is that this is the begining of the end. What the stadium commission just did is throw the first punch, and the heated part of the fight is on.

Zygi Wilf and company own the Vikings, not Minnesota. So if they get disgusted enough to lateral the football to billionaire Ed Roski out in Los Angeles, Ed is never going to let go. He's recently finished building his new digs for the Lakers, and he's got the Guvernator clearing the path for his coming football stadium outside LA.

Here's an article from mndaily.com about the commission's offer: http://www.mndaily.com/2009/11/20/hold-berserk-keep-vikings

Eric is a good Nordic name. I think he sizes things up in Minnesota rather well in his article.

I don't know Zygi Wilf that much, but I did shake his hand once after hearing him speak at a chamber of commerce meeting. I believe he had good intentions in coming to Minnesota, certainly a lot better than those intentions of the ancient Viking explorers, but the thing I remember most was the fire in his eyes when he said he was not one to let other NFL owners push him around. That was back when they had grabbed Hutch from Seattle. I'm certain the actions the stadium commission just took made him want to get mad as hell. But as the Kennedy's always said, don't get mad, get even...

Not So Random Well Weathered Thoughts

Elgar — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 18:39:01 -0000

Ah, the great outdoors!

Heinz Field in Pittsburgh has a field of real grass. The day before the the Steelers host the Vikings, the Pitt Panthers will wear their finest blue as they host the University of Southern Florida Bulls at Heinz Field, and rain is in the forecast. The temperature for the Sunday Viking-Steeler kick off is likely to be 45 degrees Fahrenheit, with clouds but no rain... This is will not be your Metrodome-style football.

Yes, Big Ben Rothlisberger, please continue to drool over reports that Toine is attired in some custom care footwear on one side. (What you won't see on the game film from last week is that other guy named Allen: Asher, a young man who was born merely a few miles from where I once lived in Georgia on my birthday. He didn't dress that day, and he didn't dress last week,either. (Oh, avert your eyes!) This is a little belated natal day gift of mine which I intend to enjoy watching on Sunday. Pleasant dreams, Ben.)

Footwear is important. If you wear the right cleats for the field conditions, interesting things can happen. The guy who knows where he's going (oh, I don't know---say perhaps some guy who once set an NFL single-day rushing record against San Diego) has an advantage in that clandestine trajectory information which you don't. And those quick spurts which you will need for that there course correction, you ask? Ain't gonna happen...

Well, forget about the KOA. Tune in for Chilly's PNZLD (pre-New-Zealand-Labor-Day) ATV offense, an outdoor extravaganza coming to you live and in color from somewhere on the left end of Pennsylvania. All good Steelers fans should please camp out in Cook Forest State Park the night before. Yep, I bet those noises outside your tent are just the raccoons. (Or better yet, bears, and not the kind found in Chicago--except in the zoo).

Happy Halloween!

Quantum Mechanical Brett Favre

Elgar — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 00:32:35 -0000

Regarding the play to Greg Lewis, some people are complaining about the lack of other receivers in the end zone. This play is not the hail Mary, where devoted prayer or the random bounce of the football plays a large part in the outcome. As the great Paul Allen is wont to say, this play was a "cold-blooded connection". This throw was no high rainbow. Favre, the Silver Fox, throws a silver bullet accurately enough to slay a werewolf at 120 paces.

At the start of the play, as we've all seen, Favre buys time and starts off with a shoulder fake like he's going to throw to his left. Of course, this is needed to get Greg time to go deep.

Greg Lewis is in for Percy Harvin, and the veteran Niners free safety, Mark Roman is probably thinking he's glad that the former Florida speedster won't be coming at him as he stakes out center field.

The other three receivers all pull up around the fifteen. What are they doing? One stops on either sideline where they can catch a clock-stopping pass, and the third pulls inside on the right, where he is distracting defenders as Favre looks that way.

As Greg runs his post pattern, he is indeed the only man who goes into the end zone, so why does he wind up open?

Here's the thing: Roman realizes that Lewis has gotten behind him, even though Roman himself is positioned in the end zone. Favre, having eluded a sack as he rotated his throwing arm like a broken windmill, assassinates Roman with his final non-standard footwork. He steps up to throw the pass as though he is going to fire toward the left, raising the thought that Greg Lewis perhaps is doubling back in his route to get open. This bluff freezes Roman for that fatal fraction of a second which Lewis needs to get past behind Roman along the back line.

Since is Mark Roman is not a microscopic particle, Roman is way too big to be in two places at once. Favre has checkmated him, and his goose is about to be nuked. Favre fires at an angle to his right.

Lewis leaps for the ball and does his crashing gymnastic footwork to sneak both feet inbounds. The suspense crescendoes as the officials on the end line verify he caught the football, even though we've seen the replay a hundred times. Their arms go up in unison.

Mission accomplished. The ex-Eagle has landed.

Here Come da Judges

Elgar — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 20:15:24 -0000

On Patriot Day in the year 2009, the three-judge panel of the United States Court of Appeals for the Eighth Circuit ruled as follows:

"In these consolidated appeals, the National Football League (NFL), Dr. John Lombardo, Independent Administrator of the Policy on Anabolic Steroids and Related Substances, and Adolpho Birch, the NFL’s Vice President of Law and Labor Policy, appeal the district court’s order concluding that the Minnesota statuatory claims alleged by Kevin Williams and Pat Williams of the Minnesota Vikings (collectively,"the Players") are not preempted by section 301 of the Labor Management Relations Act ("section 301" or "LMRA"), 29 U.S.C. § 185. The Players cross-appeal the district court’s order concluding that their Minnesota common law claims are preempted by section 301. In addition, the National Football League Players Association (the "Union"), the certified collective bargaining representative of all NFL players, appeals the district court’s order confirming the arbitration awards which upheld the Players’ suspensions. We affirm in all respects."

"We affirm in all respects" indicates the rulings of the lower federal court are completely upheld on appeal, including the two items ruled in favor of the Williamses regarding state law being heard by the state court.

The appeals court explained further that section 301 of the Labor Relations Management Act was never intended by Congress to grant collective bargaining agreements the force of federal law or to override any state laws they may find inconvenient.

So sayeth the court.

I say this: the Constitution, the document which created Congress itself, does not permit Congress to invalidate State laws which are allowed by that same Constitution. Congress does not have the power to override state law except where the Constitution itself empowers it to do so.

The Wall still stands!

Do You Believe in Miracles?

Elgar — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 21:08:15 -0000

Minnesotans should recognize my title as those words which Al Michaels spoke seconds before Minnesotan Herb Brooks coached the 1980 U. S. Olympic hockey team to an unlikely victory over the Soviet Union. They went on to become world champions and wear the gold medal.

So what does all that have to do with NFL football?

The time is now. This too is a moment in history. The Minnesota Vikings are in trouble. Their stadium is one of the worst money-generating platforms in the NFL. There are not enough fancy suites to sell to businesses entertaining their clients. Minnesota is not a populous state, and times are tough. A lot of Minnesota front runners even run around in Packer caps. Bridges collapsing, recessions happening, all add to a very dark picture.

But now, #4 is on our side. However you feel inside about all of this, remember that this is the point in history that could make or break your Minnesota Vikings. Even an idiot might realize you don't let a rich Californian buy up your Super Bowl championship team and ship it off to LA, even if some governors are much dumber than any TV wrestler.

The Vikings may have all the cards this year. See the analysis by Mike Mayock: http://www.vikings.com/media-vault/videos/Mike-Mayocks-Vikings-Season-Preview/97ac6de6-ac61-4254-b1df-d3d9aabf363c

Miracles do happen now and then. With everyone pulling together, we can make this dream a reality.

Let's do it. Let's make hell freeze over!

Skol!

You Do the Math

Elgar — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 19:34:01 -0000

Pretend today is Saturday, September 5, 2009. You are the head coach of the Minnesota Vikings. You're trimming down your roster to those 53 men who will make the final cut, and you know your job is on the line, no matter how nicely your boss smiles on TV. (That was his smile, right?)

So far, you have filled all of these slots shown in the list as follows (Sorry, this is just a game--maybe you'd never do this, but please just humor me):

3 special teams players
5 cornerbacks
4 defensive ends
7 linebackers
4 safeties
5 defensive tackles
2 centers
4 fullback/tight ends
2 guards
2 tackles
1 offensive lineman who can play tackle or guard (just pretend it is Artis Hicks)
3 running backs (imagine one of them is Albert Young)
4 quarterbacks (the plot thickens and is intended to make things interesting)
6 wide receivers/returners

That's three special team guys, 25 defenders, and 24 offensive players, which means you've got one roster spot left to fill. You look down at your big, multi-purpose coaching clip board and signal-calling security shield and have to make your final management decision.

Below is a list of players you are considering, and you know that all of but one of them will be cut. Whom do you keep?

Poll

Which last guy do you keep on the regular 2009 Vikings roster?

Glen Holt (you want another special teams guy)

16 votes

Drew Radovich (another offensive tackle)

12 votes

Chris Clark (another offensive tackle)

2 votes

Nick Urban (another offensive tackle, one from Winona State)

4 votes

Garrett Mills (another tight end, and you still hate Belichick)

13 votes

Jake Nordin (another tight end and hometown guy)

3 votes

Ian Johnson (running back, and a guy who proposed on TV)

38 votes

88 votes | Poll has closed

Why Mark Craig is a Total Idiot

Elgar — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 19:46:15 -0000

If you haven't read Mark Craig, you are way ahead of the game, so I won't even link to his latest blog in which he whines over Brett Favre. As has been clearly acknowledged by the Strib, this Mark Craig is the very same guy who wrote for the Canton Repository in the previous decade that Bill Belichick was a mumbling moron.

No, Mark, you're looking at the man in the mirror. The moron is you.

Fast forward into the twenty-first century. Mark has come to Minnesota to try to write. (After all, how much street cred do you think he has left in Ohio?) The major league baseball team (the Twins in this case) is getting a new stadium, just like what was happening in Cleveland. The pro football team is stuck in the old pit, with politicians saying they'd have to stay there, just like what was happening in Cleveland. Surely Mark remembers what happened next. (Or is history just not a good subject for Mark?) The Browns left to become the Baltimore Ravens, win the Super Bowl, and stomp the heart of every Browns fan flat. The Browns are still looking to even be in a Super Bowl.

And that alleged dummy Belichick? Have we lost count of how many Super Bowl rings he has so far?

But wait. There is a strange disturbance in the Force. There is something different in the MInnesota version of this story. Anyone with a minimum of knowledge on the subject knows that the Achilles' heel of the Minnesota Vikings of late has been the lack of a quarterback who can read and shred a defense that is stacked against the run. The rest of the team positions for the Vikings are salted with Pro-Bowlers and with fresh young talent. It is for the want of a nail that the battles are lost. Lo and behold, through lost art of diplomacy, the team lures a future hall of fame quarterback out of retirement, and guy who understands the West Coast offense well enough to teach a people seeking a masters degree in it. So who is the man who decides to look the gift horse in the mouth? Who scoffs at this Jedi trick and instead suggests we start a food fight?

Yes, gentle readers, its the false prophet who thought that he could out-coach Bill Belichick, Mark Craig It mattered not that Bill Parcels thought that Bill had talent. Mark Craig knows all, sees all (except for what is right in front of his face).

So, presented with the break that might be the final inch that saves the Vikings and keeps them in Minnesota for years, Mark goes on a rant against acquiring the elderly Favre.

It's not that Favre has no foibles. I've watched the lad since he was a drunken rookie for the Falcons. We all have our weaknesses and faults. The idea is to minimize their impact, not to start a riot in the locker room. Leave that stuff for the Oakland Raiders coaching staff. Do as they say, not as they do. (Just win baby.)

Football is a team sport. This Viking team has an offensive line like Patton tanks. It has a running back with the eye of the tiger, a guy who makes Rambo look like some sissy, It has a defense that just plain scares people. (If you don't believe it, please talk to Payton Manning.)

No poor bastard ever won a Super Bowl by kicking his teammates in the guts. Super Bowls are won by making those other poor bastards kick themselves.

So, in our hour of overcoming our team's one fatal offensive flaw, it is time to sieze the day, not to start off on a soap opera kick. Let Giant wide outs shoot themselves in their lower extremities, if they must. Our mission is to make hell freeze over, my dear Vikings fans.

I've read your crap before, Mark Craig. I'm not going to assist you in driving another pro football team away from its fans. The time has come to discuss what it will take for us to grab the Lombardi trophy, not to demean our elders. If we do that together, and win the championship, anything else we feel the need to talk about can be the grist for our memoires.

Sure, maybe Favre needs a disabled parking sticker so he can make it to the locker room these days. Let's not over look that he also brings to our table the keys to the kingdom for everyone else wishing to sport that cherished jewelry from the Super Bowl collection. If you think donning a purple four jersey is fun, imagine wearing the Super Bowl Champions shirt.

The stuff Mark Craig writes follows that old dictum, to write what you know. Unfortunately, what Mark knows how to be foolish and just plain dumb.

Let's do more than just be Minnesota nice. The common good is to win the prize and to save the Vikings for Minnesota. Let's do those things first. Those lesser things will sort themselves out on their own.