I should mention that this is not an official Marchifornication post. This is simply the insanity that Marchifornication will inspire. Many gratitudes and apologies to the BHGP Braintrust, and HFMR, et al.

He sits alone, in his own dark corner of the restaurant, pawing like a fox through the last of his desserts. His plump cheeks accented by a small mouth, ringed in chocolate pudding. He wonders aloud, as he replays events over and over in his mind, trying to figure out how everything turned so quickly:

"What happened?"
"Why Dinosaur Racecars?"
"Why first round?"
"HOW THE FUCK WAS I A FOUR SEED!?"

/calls for check

"They look like big, good, strong hands. Don't they? I always thought that's what they were. My little friends. The little man with his racing snail, the Nighthob, even the stupid bat. I couldn't hold on to them. The nothing pulled them right out of my hands. I failed."

/chuckles

As he waits he notices a member of the kitchen staff, wearing an apron with a grease stain in the shape of Barry Collier, talking with several others. He watches as each chef slowly passes the note like it was on slow-fire, before slowly, but ultimately rushing it to the stained cook to make a last-second move to deliver the crumpled message. He winds his way to the dimly lit stack of plates in the darkened corner booth and leaves the palm-sweat soiled missive, quickly hidden, turning to return to his culinary duties a split-second before the check arrives.

After paying the tab the mysterious man unfolds the strange correspondance to investigate and finds the words he'd been looking for, written in handwriting that looked like it came from someone with two right brain hemispheres and no left.

I matched you up against Dinosaur Racecars and I did it for a reason. Meet me outside the foodcourt. Come alone.

Continue reading this post »

Due, in large part, to a bevy of missed opportunities throughout the game (especially early and late).

The French Team's women say:

"Tell me about it."

While dragging satisfied and slow from their e-cigarettes.

More words needed:  I am however looking forward to more Alex Morgan going forward.  Her explosiveness is exciting to watch.  (Oh my.)  Uh, all the haterz if ya hear me, whip your hair.

USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA 

(Bump for, among other things, the return of the (Casey) Mac! -- RB)

Sorry that I'm just now posting this.  I wanted to get it done last night, but after Mrs. HeartFreeDumb got home from the Iowa Hawkeyes Ladies' Football Academy I had to put on my old jersey and give her the old Hawkeye workout.

/Jacobi'd

And then there was that whole Father's Day thing that pushed back the deadline, but here I am to forward on the happenings from Camp Kinnick.

First they took the game day ride in on the team bus, with host Cannondick von Murderstein Casey McMillan.

Continue reading this post »

EL GUANO DE MURCIÉLAGO LOCURA!

Far away, in a deep dark dungeon of the NCAA headquarters, a man sits alone with a bank of computer screens, simultaniously replaying every game of March Madness, over and over.  Already tired of Tatgate and Tresselmania, he has decided to seek out new violations to enforce, and so he watches tirelessly, calmly sipping a chilled coffee between pulls on his crack pipe.

He takes off his homemade Judge Dredd halloween mask to get a closer look at BYU.  Something isn't sitting right about the way they exited the tournament, with their star scorer shrinking just enough for them to lose.  Could point shaving be afoot here?  He starts the game over.

/pre-game warm-ups of the Sweet Sixteen matchup between the Fightin' Smiths of Brigham Young and the Gators of Florida University

/an announcer speaks in low volume as the man scans the action on the screen

"...Jimmer seems ready today.  His tiara seems a little too large, but our producers brought him a cake, so now he looks like he's getting in the zone.  It's always a pleasure to watch him turn all of that pent up frustration into athletic prowess... I usually go home and rub one out for him after I watch one of his..."

/man tunes out Len Elmore and just listens when Gus Johnson is talking OHHHHHHHHH!

        Jimmer Fredette:  "Is this how Quinceañera feels?!"

Continue reading this post »

So I'm doing the old lookahead with our roster, so let's start the convo (turn on your creepy-vision glasses and follow along):

1)  Will Dan Heiar (W. IA JuCo transfer) have to sit next year?  He's not a D1 transfer, so he can play right away, correct?  It would be nice to have an upperclassman step in and contribute right away on the OL.

2)  With three TEs coming in (Duzey, Krieger-Coble, Hamilton, of which Hamilton is highest rated) and The Polish Hat ahead of them, which Iowa TE is going to be playing OL by the end of his career?

3)  Does 4 star Jordan Walsh contribute to the OL right away?  On a side note, my most recent nocturnal emission involves Coker/Coe, et al, running in 2012 behind a line with Cyrus Kouandjio, Walsh, Jaws from Williamsburg (Blythe) or McMillan OR MacMillan, Jimmy Ferentz and our favorite streaker Reiff (maybe Boffeli, Tobin, Scherff, Van Sloten, Donnal tossed in- - wow, that's a lot of good, big linemen).  We would never have to pass the ball (which would be a shame in Mandenberg's senior season with senior KDavis and juniors Cotton and Martin-Manley, but whatever).  Coach Ferentz would have to bring extra pants to each game and find a protein fighting laundry detergent.  It'd be like the rushing version of the Jim Kelly No Huddle Offense Skit from SNL a couple decades ago (show everyone your "Oh" face, Coach).

4)  In LB talk, what happened to Poggi?  Is he still the real deal and just behind others?  Maybe they didn't want to pull his redshirt?  Anyone heard anything?  Do we want Morris, DiBona, TNielson?  Is there a better guy to put in there if Nielson's neck doesn't heal in time?  Kirksey?  Tillison?  Bruce Davis?

5)  On a similar front, has anyone heard about the progression of the DL behind the starters this year.  We seemingly know to expect good things from Daniels and Binns, but will Lebron be the other end, or does he get beat out by one of the younger guys (I've heard good things about the next batch)?  Gaglione, Hardy, Forgi, Trinca-Pasat, Nardo (I'd love to see an announcer draw up the on-screen, in-game diagram of DiBona standing at attention with a compact ball of Nardo swaying pendulously at the line of scrimmage, waiting to execute the bull rush), Alvis, Ferguson, Carl Davis and Don Johnson all seem like they've got the size to step up, but who has the technique to win the starting role?

6)  Do we put Tanner Miller (who was a last second pick-up) back in Greenwood's safety position?  Do we have anyone else (not Swanson, right?)?  Bernstein?

Discuss.

For your parusal: Iowa Hawkeyes roster