SBNation.com User Blog: Father of Zeus

My Interview with Peter King

Father of Zeus — Fri, 01 Feb 2013 03:49:23 -0000

PK is an interesting fat oaf human being. He makes his money writing about football but devotes significantly more column inches to the difficulties of finding wheat beer after a hurricane than he does to the on- field performance of the Titans. Naturally MCM wanted to find out why this was so we sent a (not real) reporter to interview the world’s most wide awake drunk.
FoZ. Hello Mr King. Thank you for agreeing to meet with MCM
PK: Are you going to eat all that hamburger?
FoZ: Er... probably not.
PK: Thanks (takes burger)
FoZ: So, we at MCM would like to know why you almost never write about the Titans and, on the rare occasions you do, it’s blatantly obvious you hadn’t seen the game.
PK: Titans... hmmm... definitely heard the name somewhere. New York, right?
FoZ: Well, that was true once but we’re talking about the Tennessee Titans
PK: Ah yes. The Jets. Here’s what I think they should be doing with Tebow and Sanchez. You see Rex Ryan...
FoZ: No, no! Tennessee Titans. AFC South
PK: I think you are mistaken, the AFC South was disbanded when Peyton Manning left. Here’s a few things you should know about Peyton Manning. First off that surgery...
FoZ: No, it wasn’t disbanded. In fact it sent two teams to the playoffs this year.
PK: Still blanking, do they have any famous players? Or Felons?
FoZ: Chris Johnson? Ran for 2,000 yards
PK: Ha ha, no, that’s Adrian Peterson. You see the thing with the Vikings is...
FoZ: Jason McCourty?
PK: Ah yes. Devin’s unimportant brother
FoZ: I think you’ll find that Jason’s stats are rather better
PK: Look here, I have hundreds of people working the stats for me. I’m pretty sure I know which one’s the better Safety
FoZ: Let’s change tack
PK: But since we’re talking about the Patriots let me tell you about Tom Brady. I think he...
FoZ: Thanks but I know everything I need to about the serial supermodel shagger. We’re here to talk about the Tennessee Titans.
PK: Are you going to finish that latte?
FoZ: What? Um, no, you have it
PK: Tasty. Reminds me of a double up two down three across non decaf ventilated Irish half and half quad shot unleaded sotto voce with piked backflip I had six years ago in Washington. Now here’s ten things I think I think about RG3...
FoZ: Can you please stay, actually GET on topic??
PK: Um what?
FoZ: The Titans. Have you seen any of their games this year?
PK: Hmmm... Did you play the Giants, Cowboys, Redskins or Ravens?
FoZ: No
PK: Probably not then
FoZ: We did play the Steelers and Jets
PK: Ah, rings a bell. Did you play the Patriots?
FoZ: Depends on your definition of “play”. We had a few guys in the stadium at the time I suppose. Have you ever been to Nashville?
PK: Why would I do that?
FoZ: To watch the Titans!
PK: Interesting travel note about Nashville. I was once scheduled to change planes there flying from watching the Pats on Thursday night down to watch the Cowboys on Monday. Turned out there was fog and the only way to get to Dallas was TWA to London then Pan Am to Miami then the Acela to Dallas. Or something like that. That Atlantic crossing’s a bitch as a lot of Jags fans are about to find out. Wasn’t so bad for me. Watched a movie; Any Given Sunday I think it was called. Didn’t really understand much about what was going on but it passed the time.
FoZ: What? The Jags are moving to London??
PK: (Staring FoZ in the eyes) These are not the droids you’re looking for...
FoZ: Huh? Whatever. I’m trying to get you to talk about the Titians
PK: Are you going to drink that entire case of wheat beer?
FoZ: It’s starting to look like a good idea I must admit
PK: Let me lighten the load. I usually start on the column after about a dozen of these so it may jog my memory--- (takes 12 beers)
10 minutes later
Pk: (Belches) Mmm, Citrusy... So, what were we talking about?
FoZ: In your case pretty much anything except the Titans
PK: So, just like the column then (laughs)
FoZ: Aha! You DO know the Titans
PK: Of course (hic). You’re the guys that play Andrew Luck twice every season. Here’s why I think he should be in the Hall of Fame...
FoZ: I give up. You carry on with your column and I’ll get everything I need to know from MCM.
PK: Fair enough. Are you going to leave the rest of that case here?
FoZ: Yeah, I think I need something stronger
PK: Thanks. Oh, and if you pass a Starbucks on the way home would you mind buying it for me? I’ve got to write 5,000 words on why Ray Lewis should be president of the world before the Superbowl kicks off.

The Mind of Blaine Gabbert- Revisited

Father of Zeus — Fri, 16 Nov 2012 03:27:06 -0000

Some of you may remember that a few months ago we sent a team through time to implant a mind reading device inside the head of Blaine Gabbert. One of the bugbears of time travel is the tendency to return to the wrong universe (the other one of course is the danger of being pre-emptively murdered by your Grandfather). It now appears that our original report “Inside the Mind of Blaine Gabbert” was contaminated by cross-dimensional static. Undaunted, MCM Special Ops have re-inserted the implant into the correct Gabbert [this required shaving his head, hence the new haircut] and once again we can access his innermost thoughts and manifest fears as the Titans game approaches.

As our device powers up the day before the game we enter Gabbert’s home or, better stated, bunker. This heavily fortified edifice now includes a moat and a fortified courtyard patrolled by real Jaguars. At least that’s what Gabbert thinks- in reality it is patrolled by 2 guys of uncertain sexual orientation “Jaguaring”. This is amazingly effective as most would- be intruders are rendered spastic with laughter at the sight and are easily dealt with by security. One a month master burglar Ryan Leaf is told that he can keep all the pain killers he can find if can successfully break in- he has never succeeded.

We see Gabbert, now in his film room. He is reclining on a comfortable and softly padded chair with his feet up on what at first sight appears to be a malformed baby rhinoceros but which on closer inspection turns out to be ace blogger Alfie. Gabbert is reviewing pre- season highlights. This is the only film his specialist Confidence Coach (the hardest working member of the staff) will allow him to watch. We dive into his mind...

BG: Wow! I am ELITE! In your face Tom Brady! And you Rodgers! And you Brees! How many pre-season games do you pussies play eh? A couple of series in game 3? Not me! I am a WARRIOR! I can’t wait for the new 18 game season! 6 pre-season games instead of 4! Epic!

Gabbert’s train of thought (and frenzied punctuation) is derailed by the entrance of his personal Physician/ Pilot/ Waiter. [Some explanation is needed here. Like John Madden, Gabbert has a morbid fear of flying. Unlike Madden*, Gabbert is also afraid of boats, trains, buses and horses. To be fair there are only 2 forms of transportation that Gabbert is scared of- things with wheels and things without wheels. As a result the Jaguars have hired Australia’s famous Outback Flying Doctor and Steak Delivery Service. These highly trained individuals are fully qualified to sedate Gabbert, fly him to his destination and give him a good meal on arrival. This is probably the only good personnel decision the Jaguars have ever made but credit where it’s due.]

Aussie voice: G’day mate, time for the pre- flight jab

BG: But I’m scared of needles!

Aussie voice: C’mon mate, it’s only a little prick (jabs)

BG: Little prick? What does Alfie have to do with thizzzz.....

The screen goes blank as Gabbert sinks into unconsciousness only to be revived in the Titans’ visitors lockerroom. Mike Mularky is giving his pre- game speech

MM: Men, Blaine, as we all know the offense is injured (looks wistfully at MJD) so basically we don’t have a prayer. Please, just don’t be yourselves out there ok? Right, everybody in for the chant “One, Two, Three, SUCK!!!”

Mike Mularky- Fine offensive mind. Awful motivational speaker.

MM: Ok Blaine, time to run out through the tunnel

BG: Tunnel!!?? What if there’s a train in it? I’m terrified of trains!

MM: Blaine, it’s just an expression

BG: Express??!! There’s an Express Train in there?!?!

MM: No, no! Look Blaine, no railroad tracks

BG: There’s a DERAILED Express Train in there?!?!?!

MM: No, no. Blaine, it’s like the inside of an airbag. You like airbags don’t you?

BG: Mmmm Airbags... so soft...

MM: And there are Cheerleaders outside. You like Cheerleaders too, don’t you?

BG: Well yes, providing I’m wearing a whole body condom and they’ve been dipped in bleach**

MM: Come on Blaine, you can do it- just follow that 5 year old girl who won the "Meet the Team" raffle [Note: It is spectacularly easy to win Jags fan raffles for obvious reasons]

Moments later a slightly shaky Gabbert emerges from the “airbag”

BG: That was scary. Did they check that kid's ID? What if she'd been my granddaughter travelling back in time to murder me??

As his pulse drops to its normal panic- induced 135 beats per minute Gabbert looks around for danger.

BG: Wow, these opponents’ stadiums are weird. So many people and no Tarps. Our stadium is way better. On game day we have so many Tarps that we are the only trampoline visible from the Space Station. Now that’s something to be proud of! Are these guys in the Guinness Book? I Think Not!

BG: There’s Locker. He thinks he’s so tough playing with a non throwing shoulder injury. Well it’s ok for him. He’s only got ONE non throwing shoulder. I have TWO! Twice the risk of injury! I can run though. Well, run away at least. That reminds me, I must find out what this “Forward Progress” stuff is all about.

BG: Uh oh. The coin toss. Emphasis on player safety my contused ass! What’s safe about Ed Hochuli flinging a Shuriken? Man doesn’t know his own strength and is obviously visually impaired. It’s not like the coin toss changes anything- you still have to play football afterwards. I mean it would be different if the winner could go home and watch another game on TV. Much safer for me and far more entertaining for our fans.

Moments later there is the sound of a football being smashed through the uprights from the 35 yard line.

MM: Ok Blaine you’re up. Get in there!

BG: I am Elite! I’ll have that punter on the field on no time! Nobody can accuse me of wasting a 3rd round pick!

This time around our transmitter continued to work throughout the entire game. However, a recent visit by some large gentlemen of Sicilian descent who run a Totally Legitimate Business in Las Vegas has “encouraged” me not to report game details. Be sure to tune in again after the game for “Blaine Gabbert wired for Panic”. Right after the game. When I get my kids back. Honest.

*Speaking of “Madden” Gabbert is on the cover of a special edition of Madden entitled “How did these bozos make it in to the NFL?” The rosters are locked and Ryan “fingers” Leaf is the opposing QB. This is the only version of Madden where a field goal can win you the game 3- 0. Interestingly enough it’s the only version endorsed by Jeff Fisher

** This is why so many Cheerleaders are Blondes

Aussie voice: G’day mate, time for the pre- flight jab

BG: But I’m scared of needles!

Aussie voice: C’mon mate, it’s only a little prick (jabs)

BG: Little prick? What does Alfie have to do with thizzzz.....

The screen goes blank as Gabbert sinks into unconsciousness only to be revived in the Titans’ visitors lockerroom. Mike Mularky is giving his pre- game speech

Mike Mularky- Fine offensive mind. Awful motivational speaker.

MM: Ok Blaine, time to run out through the tunnel

BG: Tunnel!!?? What if there’s a train in it? I’m terrified of trains!

MM: Blaine, it’s just an expression

BG: Express??!! There’s an Express Train in there?!?!

MM: No, no! Look Blaine, no railroad tracks

BG: There’s a DERAILED Express Train in there?!?!?!

MM: No, no. Blaine, it’s like the inside of an airbag. You like airbags don’t you?

BG: Mmmm Airbags... so soft...

MM: And there are Cheerleaders outside. You like Cheerleaders too, don’t you?

BG: Well yes, providing I’m wearing a whole body condom and they’ve been dipped in bleach**

MM: Come on Blaine, you can do it- just follow that 5 year old girl who won the "Meet the Team" raffle [Note: It is spectacularly easy to win Jags fan raffles for obvious reasons]

Moments later a slightly shaky Gabbert emerges from the “airbag”

BG: That was scary. Did they check that kid's ID? What if she'd been my granddaughter travelling back in time to murder me??

As his pulse drops to its normal panic- induced 135 beats per minute Gabbert looks around for danger.

Moments later there is the sound of a football being smashed through the uprights from the 35 yard line.

MM: Ok Blaine you’re up. Get in there!

BG: I am Elite! I’ll have that punter on the field on no time! Nobody can accuse me of wasting a 3rd round pick!

** This is why so many Cheerleaders are Blondes

The scrolls deciphered. How Tebow created the NFL

Father of Zeus — Sat, 11 Aug 2012 14:54:19 -0000

In the beginning there was Tebow. And possibly peanut butter. But definitely Tebow.
And the world was filled with righteousness and bluebirds sang and unicorns frolicked in the glades. But Tebow was sorely troubled for he knew not which was better, the singing bluebirds or the frolicking unicorns. And the brow of Tebow became furrowed and begat Controversy. And because Tebow is divine Controversy took physical form and thus were born the New York Jets.
And they were a fractious and querulous lot. And for many weeks of what was called “offseason” in the old tongue, the Jets were content to squabble and fight and make bold claims but Tebow knew this was not enough and the Jets needed Purpose. So Tebow invented Football and created the Cowboys so that the Jets could have someone to play with and young women could cavort near naked in public places. And there, according to the Gospel of EAPN and NFL Network creation ended for lo, there was plenty to fill the ravening airwaves and the talking heads were sated.
But EAPN and NFL Network were heretics.

For on the next day Tebow looked about and saw his work was not done. So in that blessed Garden (state) he created a second “New York” team and they were called the Giants and did great things but nobody cared or spoke of them since they gravely lacked a Tebow of their own and they were cursed to whine piteously to an uncaring world. Then Tebow left his garden (state) and wandered into the wasteland of the North. And after much perambulation he entered a land where people were polite and healthcare was free. And Tebow was sorely troubled by this and recoiled from that hellish place and created the Bills so that he would ever know when he had journeyed too far.
Then Tebow realized the world was incomplete (for verily did Tebow know much of incompletions). So the next day Tebow created Time and with time, the Past. And the past took form as the Coach known as Fisher and Fisher brought the past to the Rams and in that corner of creation dinosaurs and very tired running backs were about the realm. And field goals.
And with Time came the future and with the future the far future and this is where Tebow placed the Panthers next playoff appearance and the Bengals next divisional championship for all perpetuity.
And while his eye was in the South it lit upon the land of Florida where dwelt the Ancient Ones. And Tebow deemed Tampa Bay worthy of a franchise and pointed the finger of creation at that place but he underthrew it and the Falcons came into being. Mightily frustrated, Tebow covered one eye that he should concentrate and this time his aim was true and the Buccaneers were brought forth and ever after their fans would wear eye patches to honour this genesis.
And still Tebow laboured. And on the next day Tebow saw that the world contained much evil. Murderers and Rapists stalked the land. And thusly Tebow created the Ravens and the Steelers so that these souls would find a home. And Tebow had invented rules and where there are rules there are Penalties and where there are penalties there are Raiders so they too came to be.
And then Tebow created money; but Tebow was not without humour so he gave much of it to the unwise that they should squander and look like fools. And thus Dan Snyder came into being and he created the Redskins, forever to live in opulent ruin. And after the Redskins came the Broncos who collected all their gold and bought a statue made of glass. Which can’t throw any more. And as these gilded teams languished Tebow saw that he had created underachievers and thus came into being the Chargers.
And then Tebow scanned the farthest reaches of his realm and espied Seattle. And there he created the Seahawks for it was prophesized that one day the bald man, the Saviour, would come from that distant place.
And as his gaze slid South and West Tebow sighted a strange yet enlightened place where men spent Sundays in antique stores or tasting wine and cheese. And he saw there was a small number of men, mostly those not married to other men, who were bored shitless with all this and so Tebow created the 49ers that they too could rejoice on an afternoon. And the sight of this place brought to Tebow’s mind that there were too few women in this world and so he created Supermodels and thusly the New England Patriots so that they would have a Quarterback to impregnate them. And as his mind pondered fashion Tebow grew mischievous and created a race who believed they looked good with fermented curds on their heads and he set them in Green Bay so that the curds would never melt.
And then Tebow saw that men were happy (particularly, it must be said, the Quarterback of the New England Patriots). And this excess angered Tebow. And so he created Plague and Injury. And thence came the 2011 Chiefs. And Tebow created Tragedy and Farce and the Browns were extant. And Tebow wandered the wilderness in search of enlightenment but found only heat and scorpions and so Tebow created the Cardinals so that others should know suffering. And in his wisdom Tebow knew that the sick and infirm would need to be replaced and so Tebow created the Draft. And Tebow ordained that as the meek should inherit the Earth so the crapulent should pick first and so Tebow created the Colts to ever hold this honour (for not all Luck is good Luck).
And Tebow saw that the world was full of things and needed the void. And so there came a void in Miami after Marino and in Chicago after Luckman. And great was the wailing and lamentation of their fans. Yet even the void was honest and true and Tebow saw the need for deception so Tebow created a team known as Saints and filled its ranks with hired thugs.
And then Tebow grew weary and slept. And as Tebow slept he dreamed. And he dreamed of a team and the Eagles sprang forth. And greatly did Tebow chuckle in his slumbers for the future is clear to him.
Then did Tebow awaken, refreshed and invigourated. And in that moment Awesomeness took form and the Titans were made whole. And yet so great was this awesomeness that it burst its bounds and a miniscule aliquot was spirited away by the one known as Schwartz and so the Lions sprang into the firmament. Yet Tebow knew that balance must be maintained and where there is awesomeness there must also be epic suckage and so Tebow called forth the Vikings to bear this burden. But Tebow took pity on the Vikings and created the Jaguars so that even the most downtrodden and inept may have something to laugh at.
And then Tebow perceived that his work was almost done. Yet one thing was missing. All things Tebow had created were real. And so lastly Tebow created a place of fantasy and delusion where falsehood and foolishness reigned. And now you know where Texans fans come from.

MCM Spies report from the Patriots OTA

Father of Zeus — Mon, 28 May 2012 04:52:41 -0000

Some of us have expressed concern that we open the new season against the Patriots, a team we haven't played since 2006. Got that? 2006.
Naturally MCM is on the case and our agents have infiltrated the Pats HQ. This is their report.

We are met at the gate by a cheerful fellow in a grey hoodie. He beams at us, friendly and amiable and warmly extends a hand in greeting. It's Bill Belichick! Our senses jump to full alert. Something is very wrong here. Ever committed to deception, our smiling new friend is one of an undisclosed number of decoys designed to mislead and misinform the public. Some are developmental robots on loan from nearby MIT.

Not fooled, we slip by this first line of defense (who has in any case lost interest in us and is now being interviewed by Peter King) and penetrate further into the building. As we do, we enter the Trophy Room. Here we find the cabinet where the pedestals for Superbowl trophies XLII and XLVI, purchased in hope and optimism, stand forlornly empty. Gathering dust against the opposite wall are two large dumpsters containing thousands of badges and hats emblazoned with "Perfect Pats" and "19-0!". There’s even a prototype beach towel that reads “F@*# the 72 Dolphins”. It is a sad, depressing place. Suddenly feeling much better, we move on.

Following the signs to the meeting room is a bad idea. True to the Patriot tradition of misdirection they are designed to lead the unwary to an elaborate system of trap doors and unmarked, one- way, exits. Several of them are written in Klingon. Cautiously navigating the hall of one, two and three way mirrors we reach a door. The sign on the door says “Plutonium Storage”.

The meeting room itself is a bit of a disappointment. There is no sign on the lintel saying “abandon hope ye who enter here”, no gouts of flame, not even the tiniest lake of fire. At the front of the room, seated upon a normal chair that in no way resembles a throne of skulls is the real Bill Belichick. You can’t shake the feeling that he should be stroking a large, white cat. But he isn't. None if this is to suggest that BB doesn’t have a pact with the Devil. He does. Or rather, he did. Satan had his attorneys (of which he has a great many on retainer) get him out of it on the grounds that BB had duped him into a one- sided and unethical deal. The deal ended Feb 2nd 2008 Go figure.

There are two features of the room that seem unusual. Firstly the Film Room is in fact a multiplex. This is inevitable given the huge number of video feeds the Pats process on a daily basis. The second is the Brady Zone where scantily clad young women adoringly fan him with Ostrich feathers and peel his grapes (read what you like into that). Giselle knows nothing of this, a fact that may become useful one day.

Oblivious to our presence, BB is talking to the #2 man at the Patriots. He’s not the Offense Coordinator nor is he the Defensive Coordinator. He’s not a coach, scout nor even a Front Office guru. No one knows his name. He is the head of Patriots Covert Operations.

BB- Number 2, report on “Operation Snoot”

#2- “Operation Snoot” is going well, Master. Our agents have successfully inserted spy cameras into the noses of every head coach and coordinator we face this regular season. We can read the playbooks in real time and the “Sneezemaker(TM)” technology incorporated into the Mark 2 has solved the “Green Screen” problem. The Mark 3 with optional hair clipper is ready for testing. We have failed in only one instance. The Titans.

BB- What happened?

#2- We are not entirely sure Master, but we did receive a bag of charcoal postmarked Nashville.

BB- Are they inviting us to a barbeque?

#2- No, Master. On closer inspection it turned out to be the remains of our agent. He appeared to have been struck by lightning.

BB- Which agent?

#2- 86, Master

BB- I had a feeling that might end badly. No matter, I was going to cut him anyway. What about our “Eyes in the Sky”?

#2- We have successfully maneuvered spy satellites over every stadium and practice ground in the league as you can see now the feed to our multiplex is live

BB- I count only 30 teams #2. One screen is nothing but grey

#2- Yes, Master. For some reason the Titans facilities become obscured by storm clouds the moment our satellite is activated. We are working on it. We are also mystified by the Hammer shaped object in the centre of the screen.

BB- This is not encouraging #2. What of our new uniforms?

#2- The stealth cloak technology is not yet perfected Master. We thought we had managed to make Woodhead invisible but it turned out he was standing behind the Gatorade bucket. Taking the snap from an invisible Center has also proven to present some unforeseen difficulties. Our sexual harassment attorneys are working on it.

BB- Work harder #2, remember what happened to your predecessor (looks meaningfully at picture of great white shark on the wall). Dismissed! Time for the team meeting. Are we all here? Where’s Gronk?

There is an almighty crash as Gronk misses the doorway and punches his way straight through the wall. Great hands, great strength, lousy route runner.

BB- Right, let’s... What’s that rumbling? Did somebody forget to feed Wilfork? Welker! Go get a linebacker from the practice squad.

Welker leaves the room. Deceptively quickly.

BB- Right, as soon as Wes is back we’ll....

Welker returns to the room with a roasted leg of linebacker. He really is deceptively fast.

BB- Team, it’s going to be a long offseason. I want you to know that I share your pain- particularly at this time of year when I can’t make wholesale cuts. You should also know that the entire coaching staff is committed to gaining as much unfair advantage as possible in the weeks ahead. We have made changes to our organizational structure so that Lying, Cheating and Stealing all have department heads reporting directly to me. No expense is being spared in Covert Ops. The CIA is complaining that we are driving up the costs of surveillance equipment but we remain committed. Nothing is too sly, sneaky or underhanded.

BB- On the football side, you may have noticed some changes in our draft strategy this year when we actually got some new players. Of course, this leaves us with only 45 picks next year but we can always trade away veterans to fix that. I want you to feel excited about the prospects of being arbitrarily cut to make way for a complete unknown or a 2017 5th rounder. Not every team does that. It’s the truest measure of how committed I am to you as players and as members of the Patriot family. We were so close! One more epic cheat and our Dynasty will live forever! Remember, it’s the Patriot Way!

A rousing cheer goes up from all the players except Wilfork whose mouth is full.

BB- Good. Now, let’s get back to faking up the week 6 injury report. Who wants to spend 5 days pretending to limp?

Spy’s Notes on the IR

The Patriots’ Injury Report is the only one filed at NFL HQ and the Library of Congress under “Fiction”. A team of PR specialists or “liars” prepares the final report based on the Master Cheating Plan. Outside of player personnel this is the one position in the entire organization with the highest risk of injury. Several staffers have cracked ribs laughing at the absurdity of what they produce. The basic concept is simple enough. Either massively understate a genuine injury or fabricate a totally bogus one (always to Brady) to distract attention and upset the opponent’s game planning. This means any entry on the Pats IR can have at least 2 interpretations. See below:

Probable: EITHER the player has only two working limbs (one of which should be a leg) OR Brady has lost his chinstrap.

Questionable: EITHER the player is on life support and requires physical attachment to a medical device weighing at least 500 pounds to maintain life processes OR Brady’s Mani-Pedi is looking a bit rough.

Doubtful: EITHER the player is dead OR Brady has had a fight with Giselle and is feeling sad.

Out: This has never appeared on a Pats IR.

Inside the mind of Blaine Gabbert.

Father of Zeus — Fri, 18 May 2012 14:15:48 -0000

Many people may be under the impression that Blaine Gabbert's patented "Deer in the Headlights" quarterbacking technique is the result of terrible drafting and Darwinism gone horribly wrong. And they would be mostly right. But ineptitude on the Gabbert scale (not to be confused with the "Gabbert Scale"- a scientific measure of degree of terror at the sight of oncoming linebackers) is so outside normal human experience that teams of research Psychiatrists are fighting over the opportunity to study him in action. Or, more accurately, study him in inaction. Always one step ahead, MCM stealth surgeons have been able to implant a transmitter directly in to Gabbert's brain as he quivers in anticipation of a home game against the 2012 Titans. We shall see and hear the world as Sunshine does, and, even better, read his thoughts.

They say to understand a man you must first understand his environment, so we begin with Gabbert’s house. Well, I say house, but in reality it’s a hardened underground shelter, proof against nuclear detonation, earthquake, flood, plague and even (and this is included in the guarantee) attack by Ray Lewis. As we pass the heavily armed guards or “Linemen” as they are colloquially known we enter the sanctum itself. It is peaceful here. The colours are pastels, the lighting is soft, subdued. Soothing music emanates from concealed speakers. Extravagantly padded furniture is tastefully arranged around the room. There is nothing shocking here, no sharp edges, nothing “sudden”. In one corner exotic fish undulate languidly in their heavily reinforced glass tank. Everything is peaceful. There is nothing at all anywhere that even faintly resembles a Defensive Lineman. It’s all rather... troubling.

This serenity is pierced by a primal scream. Our attention shifts to a scrupulously clean white room. Within this room, seated on the Sunshine Throne or “toilet” is the object of our study. It is 4:30 in the morning; we activate our device.

4:30 am. Oh God Oh God Oh God! I fell asleep on the throne again! Why am I haunted by this recurring nightmare of the "Demonic Cornerback"? Must go back to bed.

5:00 am. Waah! I’m awake again. Cold sweat. Damn it, I’ve wet the bed again. Must transfer to bed number 4. Very grateful for the generous contract the Jags have given me which allows me to purchase a big house with a bedroom large enough for seven beds and unlimited laundry access. Tonight is going well for the night before the game, 2 hours before I get up and still 3 dry beds to go!

7:00 am. Waah! I’m awake again. This bed number 6 is very comfortable. A good night! Psych myself up for shaving. I have to remember that the menacing figure approaching me in the mirror is NOT a defensive lineman. It's just my own reflection. Curse these magnifying shaving mirrors!

7:05 am. Didn't work. Why does that mirror make me look just like Karl Klug? Luckily the toilet is right next to the washbasin so no real harm done. Will stick with the beard for now.

7:10 am. Breakfast. Mummy has made me 2 fried eggs and a sausage arranged as a smiley face. I don't like the way it's looking at me.

7:15 am. Skipped breakfast. Say what you like, it was definitely showing blitz. Not a bad idea really, my medication kicks in faster on an empty stomach. Starting to feel a bit more relaxed now.

7:30 am. Bad news in the mail. Yet again my restraining order against the Titans defense has been denied! I should write to Goodell about this.

8:00 am. Head out to the facility. Mr Khan has sent a special car for me. All the airbags are pre- deployed! It's very cozy and safe in here. I wish my house was full of airbags.

8:30 am. Team meeting. I notice that once again the coach has rejected my plan to switch to a 10 offensive lineman set. And no love at all for my emergency ejection jet backpack idea. We're playing the Titans today. They're mean. Coach says they play 11 men on defense! Eleven! How will we block all of them? Why doesn't coach listen to my ideas? Ah well, at least my Facebook "Start Chad" campaign was a huge success. Very proud of that screen name "Fearless Jag 11". Nobody guessed it was me. Not even one of my therapists.

8:50am. I could get a really bad paper cut off this playbook. I should write to Goodell about that.

11:45 am. Out on the field at the Jags stadium. I get very nervous when people watch me play so I'm super glad the Jags drafted me as that's never a problem here. Why can't all our games be at home?

12 noon. Warm ups. Totally fooled coach. It IS possible to complete a pass with both eyes screwed up shut. Now if only I could do that during an actual game. Must remember to ask Tebow how to pray and throw at the same time.

12:15. Had a bit of trouble with my special warm up routine. Was practicing my cadence HUT HU.. DON'T FREEZE... RUN AWAY!! Crashed into this giant brute on the sideline. She said she was a Cheerleader, but I'm not falling for that. Must've been at least 95 pounds! And sharp elbows. That'll leave a mark! Where are my linemen when I need them? Better see the trainer and get a full body scan.

12:30. Still not scratched for the game. Dammit! I thought I'd be OK on the sidelines then they went and hired Kerry Collins as back up. Nowhere is safe when that dude's had a skinful. Beaned his own D Lineman they say. Looks like I'm stuck with the clipboard. Nasty jagged edges. These mediaeval gauntlets I ordered from Armor R Us are great! Maybe the NFL will look into steel plate armor. I should write to Goodell about that.

1:00pm. Uh Oh. Coin toss. One of the most dangerous phases of the game. Flying metal could go anywhere. They laugh at me for hiding under the bench but I have a career to protect. We'll see who has the last laugh when someone's got a coin wedged in his skull. I should write to Goodell about that. Time to build my sideline Gatorade bucket- fort. I'll include a periscope this time to keep an eye out for marauding Cheerleaders.

1:30pm. Not good. We're down by 21 points and Chad's out of the game already. Coach wants me to warm up. How he found me hiding in a trashcan in the Women's room I'll never know. Maybe that monster Cheerleader ratted me out. On the plus side, our punting game is awesome today!

1:45pm. It's going from bad to worse. Down by 35. Kerry's looking wobbly. I could be in next. Note to self: Must explore being traded to a team that plays in brown pants. Would save the equipment boys a lot of time, effort and detergent.

1:55pm. There's this weird red balloon- like object floating in front of my face. It's making a lot of noise. I know I've seen it before... Coach!! Kerry's been stretchered off. Nobody hit him, he's just hammered. I’m up!

2:00pm. This is the thing I hate most about being in the NFL. Playing football. Why is everyone so mean? Referee spotted the bungee cord that I attached to the bench for emergency escapes. Said it tangled up with the chains. I tried to explain that the chains won't have to move as long as I'm under Center but he wouldn't listen. Now it's just me and these tiny little Linemen.
Ok, this is it. Got to take the snap... HUT WHUT WHAT... What the hell is this thing in my hands? What am I supposed to do? Why is everyone shouting and waving at me? Why have my arms and legs stopped working? Someone's coming... Who... Zach Brown... Oh good... They say he's allergic to con..CRUNCH.

Unfortunately at this point our implant went off line. On recovery, experts from the NTSB were able to reconstruct the last record on it. it was rather garbled but appeared to be “Why is my nose full of grass?”

The Gabbert Scale of Terror:

1 Milli Gabbert: Normal human caution. Developed through the evolutionary process to prevent our ancestors from attempting to kick a sleeping lion in the nuts. Typical of a healthy and well adjusted individual who plays and/ or watches football.
1 Centi Gabbert: A nervous, skittish person. Unlikely to be a leader of men but probably not institutionalized either. May well drive a Volvo. Unlikely to play football but if so is a kicker who misses the days when he could just sprint off the field after booting it. Will watch football if there's someone to hold his hand during the scary bits.
1 Deci Gabbert: A roiling mass of paranoia and phobias. Will almost certainly be afraid of cup cakes, puppies and air. Wealthier ones live in large, armored bubbles. Very popular with the Pharmaceutical industry. Does not play football. Can't even watch football due to morbid dread of the TV remote.
1 Gabbert: Experiences complete loss of motor control and bodily functions in response to any perceived threat. Possible first round draft pick (if no punters are available).

It’s never too early to grade the 2024 draft

Father of Zeus — Fri, 04 May 2012 12:08:22 -0000

Let’s face it, any fool can grade the 2012 draft 72 hours after it’s been done. In fact many fools have. Not only that but certain super- precognitive fools have already published their 2013 draft.
Frankly this is herd mentality at its worst. MCM deserves better. As such, I have “acquired” a time machine and am happy to be able to bring you the 2024 grades as bestowed by those gurus who so improve our lives at this time of year.

First, a little catch up for those of you stuck in 2012. Obviously there have been some changes in the league in the last 12 years and we need to all be on the same page to properly understand the 2024 draft and award the appropriate massively premature grade.
Let’s start at home with our beloved Titans. Alas you will all soon remember the bleak 3 years following the 5 head chase when Bud Adams, intensely frustrated by the Front Office’s inability to offer a ridiculous contract to an aging partially synthetic QB appointed Mel Kiper head of player personnel. Himself miffed at the Titan’s persistent failure to bow before his wisdom and draft a CB in the first round of 2012 and 2013 (per mock draft of May 3 2012), Kiper proceeded to draft CBs with every single pick for the next 3 years. As a result the 2016 Titans roster comprised 52 Corner Backs and 1 specialist Punter. There was some debate on MCM as to whether this specialist was a “waste of a roster spot” but we’ll pass that by for now. Fortunately the Titans were prevented from humiliation by the ever- resourceful Thor who devised the unique tactic of punting on first downs and scoring through pick sixes (surprisingly common when 11 CBs are on the field) and epic Special Teams play. Despite getting A+ draft grades every year the Titans failed to win the big one and Kiper’s reign of incompetence was finally ended when he was found burnt to a crisp after a suspiciously localized thunder storm (Ray Lewis gave it a “C”). Thor resumed control and a golden age of Superbowls ensued (though our draft grades REALLY sucked).
Other changes around the league began in 2014 with a malfunction of the main Twitter servers causing Jim Irsay to get into a vicious twitter flame war with himself. Furious at the abuse (technically self abuse but let’s take the high road here) Irsay spirited the team out of Indianapolis in the middle of the night and founded the London Colts. This was much to the consternation of Londoners who had been promised a proper NFL franchise and not a “bunch of wankers” as the local press reported.
The second major disruption occurred in 2016 when in a copy/ paste error six pages of Game Show rules were accidently inserted into the NFL rule book. Before anyone could correct the error the Steelers, Ravens and Jets had all been “Voted off the Island”. They are not missed.
The third major incident was Jeff Fisher’s failed attempt to have the coin toss decide the outcome of the game. Flanked by leading statisticians Fisher attempted to show the competition committee that since his Rams invariably finished 8- 8 and that statistically this was the overall result for the entire league there was no point actually playing the games and exposing the players to risk of injury. It was far more efficient to allow the coin toss to decide the winner. To bolster his case, Fisher pointed out that this new approach would allow for an 18, 26 or 250 game season without endangering player safety. The votes were split evenly but Fisher lost the toss.
Finally, Global Warming caused the Texans to leave Houston and move North. They are now known as the Montana Texans which causes a lot of confusion. They do have an excellent home record however as visiting teams frequently turn up in the wrong State.
Of course there have been changes at MCM too.
Jimmy gave in to pressure and legally changed his name to “Jommy”. Due to a typo the day after his new name was approved he is now universally known as “Jummy”.
The greatest loss is unquestionably Internet superstar and MCM legend St Prattrick who finally realised his dream to be the oldest man ever drafted as a wide receiver in 2018. Unfortunately his brutal training regime- which requires him to stay sober for literally hours at a time- leaves him no time to post. Curiously enough 750 SB Nation accounts, including 175 at MCM, have been conspicuously silent ever since.
Also MIA is Los Blancos Chicca who unwisely uploaded a snapshot revealing her to be SMOKIN HOT. She is now too busy fending off proposals (some of which even include marriage) to post. Another sad loss.
Fanoftheunderdogs accepted the position of Professor of Internet Logic at the University of Gif (a small town in the Netherlands) but still posts from time to time.
Welsh Titan persuaded the NFL to open a second expansion team in the UK and is now GM of the unfortunately named Cardiff Calamity. They beat the Colts 75- 3 last year.
Speaking of GMs, Noles’ mercurial team allegiances have resulted in the longest screen name at SB Nation. He is now known as NolesBroncosTitansChargersJetsTottenhamHotspurCowboysPatriotsGloucesterCountyCricketClubBroncos(again) DevilsPackersLakersChiefsRaiders. He is being heavily recruited by the Boise Jaguars who are keen to hear more about how he drafted Zach Brown and saved the Titans.
Noles’ nemesis Winni -aka Pooh aka Eeyore (when he’s not watching)- finished his Pharmacy degree and made a fortune as Brian Cushing’s Internet ‘Roid man. He now posts as CaymanIslandTitanfan13.
IceOne(CAJ) enjoyed a brief career at NFL films but was fired for inserting Chris Johnson highlights whenever a game got boring. He is suing for unfair dismissal and his attorneys are confident of victory. (Chris Johnson, now himself enjoying a second career as a cosmetic Dentist, generously funded his defense).
A few other things have changed of course, only to be expected after Nuclear War, but this is a football blog so No Politics.
So, now we’re all temporally acclimated, about that 2024 draft. Overall the “Experts” gave the Titans a “C-”, citing the failure to address the lack of depth at Water Boy. Thor was too busy rearranging trophies to comment. Some things just never change.

The 2012 Schedule. How we win the Superbowl

Father of Zeus — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 01:29:40 -0000

The Titans’ schedule looks brutal this year however, as with many things in life, the devil is in the details and with favourable sequencing the prospects for a 16- 0 season are in fact very good. See why after the jump

Let’s start within the division:

Indianapolis: The first game against Indy can be scheduled with precision. It must be at LP field in week 3. Why? For the sake of the division it is vital that Andrew Luck loses all confidence very early in his career. This process (known as “Gabbetization”) will be assured with the following opening for them: @ Houston, @Chicago, @ Tennessee. After being mauled by the Texans and Bears in his 1st two starts our 15 Sacks 10 INTs and 5 Forced Fumbles Gabbetizes him but good. The return game at Indy can be scheduled as soon as his psychiatrist permits.

Houston: Like a visit to the dentist, playing Houston is just something that has to be done a couple of times a year and seems to become a less pleasant prospect with each passing season. The best schedule here is @ Tennessee on a short week to minimize BRB trolls over here, @ Houston on a long week to maximize our trolling opportunity.

Jacksonville: A little comic relief is always welcome. These games should be scheduled to distract attention from depressing events such as the release of quarterly unemployment data or when the Presidential campaign just gets too much to bear. We should not schedule the second game too late in the season however since we may play them a third time (see below).

Pittsburgh: A definite late season fixture. We need to give Roethlisbastard plenty of time to pick up multiple injuries- one functional limb feels about right- and for James Harrison to be suspended either for illegal hits or just for being James Harrison.

San Diego: Years ago, when the Planet Tennessee exploded large radioactive chunks of the doomed planet fell around Southern California which explains a lot of our problems. This is another late season game mostly because the warm climate makes San Diego one of the few places where the Cheerleaders will be reliably half naked in December. Gamewise I’m expecting a 2- 0 victory when Rivers throws a tantrum, rather than the ball, while standing in his own end zone and is clobbered by Klug. You won’t get to see it though as I’ve sold the TV rights to the Playboy channel.

Miami: Latish in the season for some Winter sun. We can graciously accept the Dolphins’ surrender at half time and be on the beach by 3. I’m pretty sure CJ has a party house down there somewhere.

Bills: Not too late in the season for weather reasons. In fact the weather is a big factor here. We need a good strong breeze blowing from left to right across the end zone in case it comes down to a field goal at the end. Also, if it’s too cold Bud will have to wrap up warm and it’s hard to flip the bird wearing mittens.

Pats: After the bye. 2 weeks of screening The Game We Don’t Talk About and our guys will be ready for VENGEANCE.

Jets: Should be imploding nicely by mid season. Supermouth coach +Sanchez + Tebow + NYJ fans + media = Chernobyl.

Minnesota: Must be scheduled immediately after the Miami game since we’re not going to show up. Snow will collapse the roof just before kickoff. We sue for reckless endangerment and the NFL awards us the win plus the Vikings’ 1st rounder (which should be a beauty). Meantime we’re still partying on at CJ’s place in Florida.

Detroit: Since the Lions roster is 87% Titans players we must schedule this early in the season in the hope they forget which team they’re on. Skill players running in the wrong direction, defensive linemen sprinting in from the sidelines to flatten their own QB, Centre tackling his own running back (coached by new Arena League stud Amano). What a spectacle. After the game Schwartz tries a Harbaugh Handshake on Thor and loses the use of his right arm.

Chicago: Another early season must. Chicago has a fine tradition of blues and where better to enjoy an evening of good music then Nashville? Our back ups take them out for a long evening fuelled by copious amounts of alcohol and the following day 100 degrees heat and 110 percent humidity do the rest. A tough day for CJ and Britt as both have to gain 200 yards while skirting pools of vomit but otherwise no big problems here.

Green Bay: Normally this would be a no brainer week 17 game when they are resting their starters. Unfortunately there is nothing normal about Green Bay and having seen their back up QB throw 6 touchdowns in one game last season we need another plan. The best option would be to quietly forget about it, give GB the day off and schedule a 3rd game against the Jags. Khan is new to the league and probably won’t notice and we don’t need to worry about Jags fans crying foul since there aren’t any.

Since this will inevitably result in a playoff season, I would be remiss in failing to address the post season.

Week one: Bye, obviously. CJ should have restocked the booze by now.

Divisional Playoffs: Vs Denver. Our much criticized strategy of drafting 7 Defensive Ends back in April now makes sense as we field 9 at a time against 5 head. After Manning is laid out for the 20th time Bud lands his jet on his forehead and flips Elway the bird. DO NOT TEASE THE TITANS.

Divisional Championship: Vs Pats. We dress a high school team in Titans uniforms and pretend not to notice the hooded figure with the video camera at our last practice. At game time we run from the tunnel in Giants uniforms to psych them out then execute our REAL game plan for which they have no answer. VENGEANCE 2 THE SEQUEL