SB Nation User Blog: Fernando Vina School of Linguistics

Conspiracy Theory Rock Part III: Revenge of the 'Stache!

Fernando Vina School of Linguistics — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 05:15:12 -0000

In Part One and Part Two of my series of conspiracy theories for why the Kansas City Royals have seen their "magical" 2009 season tank right before their eyes, I examined how Trey Hillman's moustache is the root of all issues with the team's performance. Trey's friends in Japan are aware of this fact, however their urgent message to Trey informing him of his facial hair folly was intercepted via the enemy in Washington's FCC offices (jealous to have a team worse than the Natinals), having received assistance from Seattle's Grass Creek conspirators.

Royals Review's attempt to save the Royals' season by delivering the news to the Treydaddy went awry in Toronto when our messenger, devil_fingers, came down with an emergency appendix operation the day of the game. Kansas City struck back against Washington by drafting noted Nationals hater, Aaron Crow, but the DC/Seattle faction countered by wiping out Ryan Lefebvre and forcing Royals fans to be subjected to Bob Davis.

Our latest installment of Conspiracy Theory Rock! examines the latest developments in this ever-growing MLB conspiracy that has seen the Royals season slowly and painfully circle down the drain of ineptitude.

So the Royals move forward, with a moustached leader aimlessly directing his team closer and closer to oblivion, a play-by-play guy sidelined, and a resident sabermetrician appendix-less. Meanwhile, the dark underbelly of the Kansas City Royals fanbase (located somewhere near the stadium in Raytown, I believe) grows larger and larger every day, slowly and meticulously plotting its revenge.............

Such was the state of affairs the last time we visited the conspiracy that has shaken the Kansas City Royals organization and fanbase to its core. Much has changed, yet much remains the same. The Royals have an even more-moustached leader (which I didn't realize was possible) who has successfully taken his team into oblivion, and while Ryan Lefebvre has recovered from his voice issues, our nemeses in DC/Seattle scored a resounding victory by forcing FSN viewers to spend a few innings each night with Bob Davis calling the action. The exact count is unknown, but following Davis' fill-in duty, there were "more than a few" cases of RSTN flashbacks being severe enough that it forced some FSN viewers to shout out cries of despair in their sleep involving 2006 Royal relief pitching legends Steve Stemle, Adam Bernero, Seth Etherton, and the immortal Chris Booker.

However, it hasn't been all bad news on the Royals' front. We were able to pawn off the craptasticity of Horacio Ramirez onto Washington AFTER they were desperate enough to sign Robert Meiklejohn "Mike" MacDougal to their team and quickly install him as their closer! However, Mac the Ninth has been surprisingly effective (for himself) in DC, having only allowed an earned run in two of his 15 appearances for the Nationals, while amassing three saves for the worst team in baseball (however KC is making a strong push for this "crown"). Meanwhile, our boy Horacio is toiling away in AAA for Washington, putting up a 0-0 record in three starts, giving up four runs in 11 IP.

But other than that, it's been bad news for the Boys in Blue. They sit with the fourth worst record in baseball, and it's falling faster by the day. Many fans have conceded the notion that it's only a matter of time before Cleveland eclipses Kansas City in the standings, forcing the Royals back into the AL Central basement. Please shield your eyes as you look at the MLB inverted standings:

Washington    ---
Arizona          7.5
Cleveland      8
Kansas City 10
Oakland         10.5

That represents a two game improvement from where KC was the last time we checked on the inverted standings (aka The Bryce Harper Sweepstakes), but things are definitely not looking up for Kansas City fans. Just in the last few days, the Royals organization banned one of its most popular bloggers (and optimistic fans) in the Rany-gate scandal. As has been pointed out numerous times here on Royals Review, it's obvious that Dayton Moore and the other higher-ups at Kauffman Stadium don't own a computer. This begs the question: How did the Royals organization find out about Rany's bashing of trainer Nick Swartz?

Through the media? Players? Fans? George Brett? Nope, nope, nope, and (holds up three fingers) nope. I'm shocked that nobody has made this connection yet........(i hope you're sitting down for this)........

LEE KUNTZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know what you're thinking: "Who? Is that Rusty Kuntz's brother?" I can't answer the latter question, but I can tell you who Lee Kuntz is (emphasis mine below):

Lee enters his second year with the Washington Nationals as Head Athletic Trainer. He attended Lock Haven University of PA, majored in Health and Physical Education with a specialization in Athletic Training. He received his Masters degree from Tennessee Tech. Upon graduation he took a job as Head Athletic Trainer at the Glen Mills School in Concordville, PA. He entered professional baseball in June 1985 when he accepted a position as a minor league athletic trainer for the Cleveland Indians. He worked his way up through their minor league system starting in Batavia, NY in 1985, Waterloo, IA 1986, Kinston, NC 1987, and Williamsport, PA 1988. Following the 1988 season he left baseball and took a clinical athletic training position with the Sports Medicine Center of Macon, GA. He eventually took charge of their athletic training outreach program to 7 local high schools in middle Georgia. In 1990 he returned to baseball again in Cleveland’s minor league system at the AA level. He remained at Canton-Akron 1990-92. He moved up to AAA Charlotte 1993-94. The Indians relocated their AAA franchise to Buffalo in 1995, and he was athletic trainer there from 1995-98. He was named Assistant Athletic Trainer for the Kansas City Royals in December 1998 and remained in that capacity during the 1999-2002 seasons. Following the 2002 season he returned again to the Cleveland Indians as Minor League Rehabilitation Coordinator and Medical Point person. He held that position from Nov 2002 until he was named Head Athletic Trainer for the Nationals. He has a wife, Leslie and two children, Leah and Emily.

CUE EXPLODING HEAD PIC!!!!!

Doesn't it all make sense now? Since obviously the Royals front office don't own computers, they were oblivious to Rany's criticism of Head Trainer Nick Swartz until they were notified by Washington Nationals head trainer (and former Assistant Trainer in Kansas City) Lee Kuntz!!! That's right! The conspiracy has infiltrated the Washington Nationals clubhouse! Kuntz obviously wanted to stand up for his mentor, Swartz, and deal another death-blow to the Royals and its fanbase. One quick phone call to his former colleagues in Kansas City, and "BOOM, Rany's Roasted!" He's probably sitting back at his desk in the Nationals' offices, laughing away at the controversy that's been swirling around this ballclub in the last few days. I cannot confirm nor deny that this photo was taken of Kuntz at his desk earlier this season:

So there you have it, folks. Was there really any other logical explanation for how KC execs found out about Rany's blog, and why they took action against it so harshly? Curse you Washington Nationals Conspirators!!!!!!

But if you think that's where the eerie connections end, you are dead wrong my friend. Care to see the face of evil? Here is our #1 Public Enemy, Lee Kuntz, from his profile page on the Professional Baseball Athletic Trainers Society website:

Where have you seen that moustache before? Ahhh yes......you know it.....on the Treydaddy himself.

This pains me to say it, but I must bring up the following question: Is Trey Hillman part of some secret "Moustache Mafia" conspiracy group fixated on destroying the Kansas City Royals and its fans? Before you're quick to respond to my inquiry (here's looking at you Ken Rosenthal), look back up at the profile of Kuntz where I highlighted certain pieces of information. Did you notice the seemingly random bold text I put on the minor league organizations where Kuntz got his start in athletic training? Do you know what connection those towns have to the Royals? Check out this timeline of events:

Kuntz Timeline:
1985--Batavia, NY
1986--Waterloo, IA
1987--Kinston, NC

Trey Hillman's minor league playing career Timeline:
1985: Batavia, NY
1986: Waterloo, IA & Waterbury, CT
1987: Kinston, NC

DOUBLE HEAD EXPLODE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You can't make this stuff up folks. The conspiracy grows thicker and thicker by the day. I'm having a hard time trying to wrap my brain around these recent developments myself. Obviously the Washington Nationals have it out for Kansas City and the Royals organization. They're tired of being the laughingstock of Major League Baseball and they're trying to drag KC down with them. Their head trainer has a direct link to Nick Swartz and Kansas City, and he appears to be the man behind the tattle-taling that resulted in Rany's ban from the Royals. Has he somehow sabotaged Nick Swartz's training abilities as well? Did he destroy all Nick's materials on how to diagnose and treat baseball injuries after borrowing them to "learn the ropes" during his time in Kansas City? Is Nick Swartz an innocent victim himself in this conspiracy?

And what about the bizarre Moustache Mafia connection with Kuntz and Trey Hillman? Is it not merely coincidence that Hillman and Kuntz progressed through the Cleveland Indians' minor league system at the exact same speed every single year, Trey as a player and Lee Kuntz as his trainer? How does Trey fit in to all of this? Is he simply a mole for Washington in their conspiracy to destroy Kansas City Royals baseball? Only time will tell my friends. Only time will tell. But for now it seems that Trey's friends in Japan were right--his moustache is, in fact, the root of all evil.

Until then, the dark clouds of conspiracy swirl even more ominously over One Royal Way, Kansas City, MO 64129. The Royals are barely holding on to fourth place in the division, one of our most well-known and respected bloggers was banned from team personnel, a new Royal player is seemingly out for the season every other week, and the Moustache Mafia connections between Hillman, Swartz, and Lee Kuntz have paralyzed a fanbase. Who knows where this strange saga will lead us to next. I'm going to tomorrow's game (assuming I don't get banned in the next 10 hours) and I'll be scrounging around for clues, but for the sake of everyone involved, let's just hope that the Royals don't take the field tomorrow looking like this:

White Sox vs Royals coverage

Poll

Where should Royals fans direct their revenge in this conspiracy?

FOXSports article on Royals trade deadline philosophy....

Fernando Vina School of Linguistics — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 10:23:18 -0000

FOXSports article on Royals trade deadline philosophy....

I stumbled across this on the internets last night and just thought it was sadly hilarious. It...

Fernando Vina School of Linguistics — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 02:17:16 -0000

I stumbled across this on the internets last night and just thought it was sadly hilarious. It should be (if it embeds) a video of one of KC's "finest" draft choices of the past decade. You can probably figure out who it is......but with our next few games against Pittsburgh (and their great draft history in the same hideous timeframe), it seems somewhat appropriate.

Royals draft (so far) in pictures

Fernando Vina School of Linguistics — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 06:14:09 -0000

Wanting to put a face to all of these names that Kansas City has drafted so far in this year's draft? Concerned that our newest members of the Royal family don't meet the official "ballplayer" requirements as broken down by our fearless leader, royalsreview? Then this is the place for you!

RR's Official Requirements to Become a "Ballplayer" of the Kansas City Royals:

1. Scowl or other acceptable form of non-smile

2. Sideburns, Goatee, and/or other "hip" facial hair

3. "Cool" type of necklace made of hemp, shark teeth, or other acceptable material.

.....let's see how our picks have fared so far!

Aaron Crow

Will Myers

Chris Dwyer

Louis Coleman

Cole White

Buddy Baumann

Gardner Odenbach

Ben Theriot

Geoffrey Baldwin

Ryan Wood

Nick Wooley

Lane Adams

Crawford Simmons

Scott Lyons

Eric Diaz

Ben Tschepikow

Brendan Lafferty

Ryan Stovall

Patrick Keating

Chanse Cooper

Ryan Dennick

Scott Kelley

Zack Jones

Richard Folmer

Matt Frazier

Gabe MacDougall

Eric Peterson

Nick Zaharion

Josh Worrell

Conspiracy Theory Rock! Part II: Hillman's Moustache Remains as KC Falls into AL Cellar--Washington, FCC,Seattle Rejoice!

Fernando Vina School of Linguistics — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 14:51:50 -0000

In Part 2 of my ongoing quest to: 1) distract myself from the grim reality that the Royals' season is beyond repair, and 2)blame others for KC's freefall rather than face the facts that the Royals are not a good team, we check back in with the latest ongoings in international MLB conspiracy news!

Today's episode of "Conspiracy Theory Rock!" brought to you by KCPT-19, Kansas City's Public Television, and contributions from viewers like you.

In our initial installment of "Conspiracy Theory Rock!," it was brought to my attention that when the Royals' season showed the first sign of faltering (the West Coast trip), Kansas City Royals manager Thomas "Trey" Hillman sent an urgent "S.O.S." across the waters of the Pacific back to his beloved Japan, hoping for guidance on how to steer our season back on course. The good folks of the Nippon-Ham Fighters (well, actually their somewhat perverted mascot "Brisky the Bear") replied to TreyDaddy with the key to turning around the Royals' season--- he must rid himself of the moustache. The exact correlation between Trey's moustache and Trey's team winning is still somewhat foggy, but Japanese mathematicians are working on the statistics as we speak. Early word from Japan is that it's nearly a 100% correlation. Nevertheless, this message never made its way to Trey, as FCC employees in Washington DC (with help from Seattle) intercepted the message in the hope that the Royals' season would tank so much that the Nationals would no longer have the worst record in MLB and be the laughingstock of the league.

If you remember, after recovering a copy of the message that was intended for Trey (and having it loosely translated from Japanese to English), Royals fans put their faith in Royals Review's own devil_fingers to hand-deliver the message to Hillman-san. After all, he's been talking for a while about how he had good tickets to go see Zack Greinke pitch against the Toronto Blue Jays at ~~Skydome~~ Rogers Centre. Problem solved, right? Well my friends, things did not go as expected........

As it turns out, someone somewhere sabotaged devil_fingers' ability to deliver the message to Trey! Those scum in Washington DC and Seattle have further-reaching connections than we originally anticipated! Who would have thought they could have 1) tracked down d_f and kept him from delivering the message, and 2) have Greinke's worst performance of the season on the same night? Simply amazing.

A couple of days ago I was browsing some of the other SB Nation sites when I came across this article from our own d_f on Driveline Mechanics in which he tells the grim tale* of what befell him the evening he was to help save the Royals' season:

But on Thursday, I decided to do something even more fun -- feel terrible all day, go to a walk-in clinic, then spend about 6 hours sitting around the emergency room, culminating in the joy of a midnight appendectomy. You aren't going to believe this, but we didn't make the game. It's been a heckuva fun weekend.

*First of all, my sincere wishes to a speedy return to good health for d_f. Unfortunately, like the rest of my pseudo-conspiracy theory, this was not completely of my own imagination.

That's right folks....."Sabotage: The Sequel" had its first screening somewhere north of the border, and d_f was its first victim. Since he was unable to attend the game, Mr. Trey Hillman-san surely did not receive his correspondence from Japan, and we've seen what effect it has taken on the team (in rough order of importance): his moustache is still flowing in its full glory, and the Royals still haven't turned things around since that West Coast swing.

What's even more sickening than the fact that the Royals' fall from grace now has them in last place of the American League Central is a quick look at the entire MLB standings (per Yahoo):

American League
East	W	L	Pct	GB	Home	Road	East	Cent	West	Streak	L10
New York Yankees	34	24	.586	--	18-11	16-13	12-14	13-5	8-3	Lost 1	6-4
Boston Red Sox	34	24	.586	--	19-8	15-16	18-8	10-4	5-10	Won 1	6-4
Toronto Blue Jays	34	27	.557	1.5	21-10	13-17	6-9	18-9	10-6	Won 3	6-4
Tampa Bay Rays	29	31	.483	6.0	16-12	13-19	13-12	10-11	4-7	Lost 3	6-4
Baltimore Orioles	25	33	.431	9.0	17-13	8-20	10-16	8-5	5-11	Won 1	3-7
Central	W	L	Pct	GB	Home	Road	East	Cent	West	Streak	L10
Detroit Tigers	32	26	.552	--	17-11	15-15	4-10	13-10	14-4	Won 1	5-5
Minnesota Twins	29	31	.483	4.0	21-12	8-19	6-16	11-9	9-6	Won 1	5-5
Chicago White Sox	27	32	.458	5.5	15-17	12-15	5-9	13-13	7-9	Lost 1	3-7
Cleveland Indians	26	34	.433	7.0	13-14	13-20	12-14	13-15	0-3	Won 2	5-5
Kansas City Royals	24	33	.421	7.5	15-15	9-18	7-10	12-15	4-6	Lost 2	1-9
West	W	L	Pct	GB	Home	Road	East	Cent	West	Streak	L10
Texas Rangers	33	25	.569	--	18-11	15-14	9-12	8-10	13-3	Lost 2	4-6
Los Angeles Angels	29	27	.518	3.0	14-12	15-15	11-6	7-8	9-12	Won 1	5-5
Seattle Mariners	28	30	.483	5.0	16-14	12-16	6-4	7-11	13-14	Lost 1	6-4
Oakland Athletics	26	31	.456	6.5	15-14	11-17	11-10	6-5	8-14	Lost 1	8-2

National League
East	W	L	Pct	GB	Home	Road	East	Cent	West	Streak	L10
Philadelphia Phillies	33	23	.589	--	12-14	21-9	17-12	5-3	9-7	Lost 1	7-3
New York Mets	31	25	.554	2.0	18-9	13-16	18-10	7-8	4-6	Won 2	5-5
Atlanta Braves	29	28	.509	4.5	15-15	14-13	12-10	9-10	5-8	Won 3	6-4
Florida Marlins	29	31	.483	6.0	15-17	14-14	16-10	6-11	6-8	Won 2	6-4
Washington Nationals	15	41	.268	18.0	9-21	6-20	6-27	3-6	5-6	Lost 2	2-8
Central	W	L	Pct	GB	Home	Road	East	Cent	West	Streak	L10
Milwaukee Brewers	33	25	.569	--	16-10	17-15	9-7	21-10	3-5	Lost 2	5-5
Chicago Cubs	29	26	.527	2.5	16-10	13-16	4-2	17-15	8-9	Won 2	6-4
Cincinnati Reds	30	27	.526	2.5	14-14	16-13	5-7	20-16	3-3	Won 1	4-6
St. Louis Cardinals	31	28	.525	2.5	19-15	12-13	7-5	19-15	3-7	Lost 5	2-8
Pittsburgh Pirates	26	32	.448	7.0	15-11	11-21	11-7	10-21	4-2	Lost 3	5-5
Houston Astros	25	31	.446	7.0	14-18	11-13	2-2	13-23	10-3	Lost 1	6-4
West	W	L	Pct	GB	Home	Road	East	Cent	West	Streak	L10
Los Angeles Dodgers	40	20	.667	--	23-8	17-12	10-5	3-4	26-9	Won 1	6-4
San Francisco Giants	30	27	.526	8.5	18-9	12-18	10-7	5-3	14-15	Won 1	6-4
San Diego Padres	27	31	.466	12.0	19-11	8-20	4-5	7-8	16-18	Lost 1	3-7
Colorado Rockies	26	32	.448	13.0	9-14	17-18	4-6	9-8	11-17	Won 6	6-4
Arizona Diamondbacks	25	34	.424	14.5	12-20	13-14	7-6	5-8	11-19	Lost 2	4-6

As you can see, our beloved Royals are now sitting with the second-fewest wins in all of baseball, while enjoying the 2nd worst winning percentage in the MLB as well. If the standings were inverted, here's what they would say:

Team                      GB
Washington            ----
Kansas City           8.5
Arizona                    8.5
Baltimore               9.0
Cleveland              9.0
Houston                10.0
Pittsburgh             10.0
Colorado               10.0

Seems to me that those folks in Washington are smiling now more than ever.

(wipe those grins off of your faces, FCC workers.....your time will come!)

I've reached out my connections from our very own Food & Drug Administration to Canada's Food Inspection Agency in the hopes of turning up some evidence showing foul play was involved in devil_fingers unfortunate stomach ailments forcing him to miss the Royals/Blue Jays game. All signs point to foul play being involved; it's just a matter of nailing down who is responsible and how the crime was committed. Early speculation involves two possible options: contaminated seafood from the Pacific Northwest (Seattle, perhaps?), and/or unsafe wolf-meat from the Grass Creek, Wyoming area. You can rest assured that no stone will be left unturned in our investigation of this obvious tomfoolery.

, I

In the meantime, our Royals are languishing away in Cleveland, Ohio while Trey's moustache remains in tact. Unless we have Cleveland connections willing to contact Trey and send him Japan's message, it will be two more days until our Boys in Blue return home and Trey can surely be informed of his facial hair folly as the root of all that ails Kansas City baseball. In a sense, it's the antithesis of Samson's hair (for a biblical reference). When Trey's moustache goes, he will be re-energized with power, knowledge, success and the tools to take our team where it needs to go.

Until then, a restless fanbase grows sicker by the day (both literally and figuratively), while the conspirators in Washington's FCC offices and Seattle's Grass Creek Headquarters tirelessly plan their next mode of attack. Kansas City struck a quick counter-blow last night by drafting Washington's 2008 First-Round Draft Pick, Aaron Crow. The pitcher is a welcome addition to the Royals organization due to the fact that he despises the Washington Nationals' organization, as well as his lack of a moustache.

The word in some circles is that the Washington/FCC/Seattle conspiracy group initiated their next move against the Royals by infiltrating the Fox Sports Kansas City booth last night upon learning that the Royals drafted noted National-hater Aaron Crow. However, while the conspirators were successful in removing FSN broadcaster Ryan Lefebvre from the broadcast due to "sickness" (and while it also somewhat coincided with the Royals collapse in the game), word from inside the Royals' organization is that Lefebvre is merely a pawn in this game of espionage. Many club officials speaking on the condition of anonymity privately hailed the "bad guys" efforts to wipe out Lefebvre. ESPN's Pedro Gomez (always hot on the trail of controversy) is reporting the following quote from a Royals official:

"We'll gladly sacrifice him. Those clowns thought taking out Ryan would upset us? Ha. I'll trade one loss for Lefebvre any day of the week. In fact, if you ask me, they're doing us a favor. Have you ever listened to that guy?"

So the Royals move forward, with a moustached leader aimlessly directing his team closer and closer to oblivion, a play-by-play guy sidelined, and a resident sabermetrician appendix-less. Meanwhile, the dark underbelly of the Kansas City Royals fanbase (located somewhere near the stadium in Raytown, I believe) grows larger and larger every day, slowly and meticulously plotting its revenge.............

Poll

Who should be the Royals' first target of revenge?

Washington Nationals FCC Employees

7 votes

Seattle Mariners Grass Creek Enthusiasts

17 votes

Trey Hillman's Moustache

28 votes

Ryan Lefebvre

22 votes

74 votes | Poll has closed

Chris Dominguez vs. Kyle Mach: The Rematch

Fernando Vina School of Linguistics — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 03:34:20 -0000

Chris Dominguez vs. Kyle Mach: The Rematch

--I'm a Mizzou/KC Royals fan visiting from Royals Review. When I saw you drafted both Dominguez and Mach, it reminded me of the NCAA Regional when Dominguez pulled the most classless antics I've ever seen. Hopefully he's still not the toolbag that he was that year at Louisville. But I'd keep Mach away from him just in case. Oh...and Brock Bond too--I think he's in your minor league system as well. Here's the link from the 2007 Regional at MU.

Columbia, MO: Dominguez Doubles Up Mizzou With Dinger
Chris Dominguez just went deep with a Carlton Fisk-esque line drive.

And rounding first, he spun around and had words with Tiger 1B John McKee, before engaging in some extra-cirricular words with the Mizzou catcher Trevor Coleman.

The Tiger bench spilled out on to the field, and the Cardinals mobbed Dominguez.

Both these benches have been warned, and bad blood has officially been stirred between these two teams.

4-2 Cards in the top of the 7th.

Posted by Jay Dryburgh at 09:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Columbia, MO: Hot Corner
Someone should tell Cards 3B Chris Dominguez to shove a sock in his mouth.

After taunting the 1B and the catcher while rounding the bases, he preceded to dance back out on to the field as he returned to his position, before completely turning to face the Mizzou dugout and exchange some words.

The real question is... how is he still in this game? The umpires, and furthermore, the NCAA reps have really botched this decision. Dominguez should be taking a shower.

But at least the crowd is riding him for it; after a foul out by Evan Frey, Dominguez was roundly taunted every time he touched the ball as it moved about the horn.

Bottom of the 8th, U of L 4, Mizzou 2

Posted by Jay Dryburgh at 10:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Sapporo, Japan's response to Hillman's "S....O....S" Sabotaged!

Fernando Vina School of Linguistics — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 09:43:32 -0000

Breaking news from the nation's capital! (Will, get your numerous Royals Review staff members on this story asap!) An unindentified source told me that authorities at FCC Headquarters in Washington, D.C. intercepted a crucial message apparently intended for one "Hillman-san" emanating from Sapporo, Japan. Sent from a man who referred to himself only as "B.B.," word on the street is that he was sending critical information from Japan to Royals' manager Thomas "Trey" Hillman in an effort to save the Royals' ever-dwindling chances this season, hoping to recapture the magic that catapulted his Nippon-Ham Fighters to Japan League championships. But that my friend, is only the beginning of the story......controversy abound!!11.........(more after the jump)............

(As you will soon see, these are NOT the faces of innocence.)

Ok, where were we? Ahh, yes....those spinless cowards at the FCC. The conveniently smiling faces pictured above (via www.fcc.gov ) would have you believe that they are mere "Specialists" available to answer any and all inquiries you have regarding all things communication related (1-888-CALL-FCC, M-F 9:00 to 5:00 EST). But come on now, those people cannot be that happy to be at their job, having to field calls from "Clifton in Lickskillet, Ohio" on why he's going to need to get one of those "dad-gum Anna-Logs" or "new-fangled digital doodads," rather than continuing to rock the ever-trusty antenna on top of his "place".

Seriously now. I didn't even need to call on Dwight K. Schrute to see that there is some massive conspiracy going on here. Question: Who could even muster up the strength to put on a fake smile like those four "specialists" are donning if you were merely a FCC customer service/complaint department representative? Exactly. Nobody could do that. Fact: Those people are showing off their pearly whites because they have something to hide. That's right. They have something to hide. Yes indeed...there's trouble a-brewin' in DC, my friends. Borrowing a line from legendary WWF/WWE broadcaster Jim Ross, "...business is about to pick up!"

Look again at those pictures of the FCC "specialists." Did you see any Royals gear among their cubicle decorations? None. Now, while that's not surprising information, my sources tell me that Washington National pride runs rampant throughout this floor of the FCC building. In fact, their office has purchased a season ticket package for all home games. Here is a photo of two FCC employees sporting their own home-made jerseys. While there's certainly nothing wrong with supporting your local team, you can take it too far. You see, these FCC workers are very embarrassed with the way the Nationals' season has gone so far. Take a look at the standings. Think KC's 23-30 record is laughable? Try Washington's 14-38 mark! Completely repulsed at how the Nats' season has transpired to date, these FCC employees have sabotaged the message holding the key to the Royals' turnaround in the hope that we will finish with a worse record than Washington. That's right!

Here's how it went down. Approximately four weeks ago, the Royals embarked on a trip to the West Coast to play Anaheim and Oakland. As we all remember, having to face Cy Palmer, Cy Loux, and Cy Saunders resulted in a sweep at the hands of the Angels. It was at this point that Treydaddy sent an "S.O.S." distress call (through his mystical Japanese powers) across the Pacific Ocean to Sapporo, Japan in the hopes that his friends there from his old team, the Nippon-Ham Fighters, could solve what ailed our beloved Royals. The very next day, a message from "B.B." was sent back across the ocean, intended for Trey Hillman. However, Trey never got the message. Jigga what? That's right. TREY NEVER GOT THE MESSAGE! Those FCC "specialists" intercepted the message, and the Royals have been in a tragic freefall ever since. (Editor's note: While this is pure speculation, it would not surprise me if those dirty rogues in Seattle assisted the Washington scoundrels in the transmission intercept, with their technological prowess, Ichiro's ability to understand Japanese, and the like. You know the Battle of Grass Creek was/is constantly fueling their desire to crush KC's hopes and dreams in Wyoming and beyond).

However, through a lot of dirty work, a little bribery, and quite a bit of "borderline illegal" maneuvering, the majority of B.B.'s reply to Hillman-san has been recovered. Now, there aren't a lot of Japanese individuals for me to find here in Saline County, Missouri, but I was able to track down some former students of mine from Micronesia at summer school this week. One of them was able to translate the Japanese to English for me. He speaks pretty broken Japanese (according to him, he learned it all from Spike TV's "MXC" show), but he seemed confident, and he was cheap.

Through exhaustive internet research, I was able to ascertain that the author of Trey's message--who referred to himself only as "B.B.," is in fact, "Brisky the Bear"--the mascot of the Nippon-Ham Fighters, Trey's old team. While he is "just" the team mascot to Americans, in Japan the mascot is held in high regard and is often very knowledgeable about the game. Who else would be allowed to get away with this on the field? (Insert funny reference to this video.)

Extra-curricular activities with cheerleaders aside, here is the transcript of Brisky's message, which was meant to save the Royals' downfall three weeks ago. Unfortunately it was intercepted by the low-lifes in Washington's FCC offices (and ~~possibly~~ most definitely with help from Seattle) in an effort to get the Nats ahead of KC in the standings. Now that it has been unearthed, hopefully it will find its way up to Toronto and into Trey's hands pronto! Devil_fingers, I believe you're going to the game tonight, correct? Can you make sure this gets to the 'Daddy? The Royals' season lies in the balance! Good luck with this crucial information!

Konnichiwa Hillman-san!

I receive urgent message from you this morning. It sound like your Royals are having hard time winning games and you need help from the Far East.

We are here to help you Hillman-san. You brought us much joy and happiness, and we have been watching you from afar. You should have seen Yu Darvish and myself celbrating when Zack threw complete game against Detroit. There was much rejoicing at your restaraunt here in Japan. Hillman's Hangout was full of party that day.

Anyway, we notice something in yourself now that we did not see much in Japan. If you seek to unlock the power within your team and reach your fullest potential, you must make this change. Everything now with Hillman-san always involve moustache. Moustache in every photo of Hillman-san. Moustache keeping Trey from reaching his full potential. You cannot hide behind your moustache. In Japan, there was no moustache during good times. Look at these photos:

That is Hillman-san happy. Trey with no moustache is happy and full of success. What about now? Look at these:

You have moustache all year. It will eventually be your downfall, unless you rid yourself of it. Goatee too. It must go. Trey Hillman in Japan was happy and successful with no moustache. That is the key to success. Remember the day we give out small Trey Hillman-san toy at the game? That was good day. That is you.

That is the real Trey. Happy Trey. Winning Trey. Become that man again Hillman-san, and wins will soon follow. We'll be watching. Good luck!

B.B.

devil_fingers, it's all in your hands now............get this to Trey tonight at the game and save our season! Japan and KC need you! Will, it's time to plot our revenge against those Nats fans. Surely you can dig up some dirt there in your backyard on these cats. And Seattle......we will avenge ourselves against you too. You will receive the backlash most of all!!!!!!!11

</villainous laugh>

Poll

Where does the blame lie for the Royals' collapse the last month?

Dayton Moore

26 votes

Royals Players

52 votes

Hillman's Moustache

27 votes

FCC "Specialists" in Washington

10 votes

Those Scallywags in Seattle! Grass Creek 4 Life!111!!!one11!

8 votes

123 votes | Poll has closed

810 WHB Soren Petro's Interview with Trey Hillman

Fernando Vina School of Linguistics — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 14:04:33 -0000

810 WHB Soren Petro's Interview with Trey Hillman

Talks about Callaspo hitting 2nd/7th, having DDJ hitting down in the lineup or up at the top, returning Farnsy to a more important role in the bullpen, Kevin Seitzer's job security, Tom Glavine, getting back to .500, and defensive miscues in Tampa.

Added bonus: He mentions terms such as "sabermetrics," "small sample size," "higher leverage," and OBP.

Good, insightful interview.

Looking outside the organization for SS help?

Fernando Vina School of Linguistics — Mon, 25 May 2009 07:09:38 -0000

There was a FanPost published earlier tonight regarding KC looking into acquiring a SS via trade, but it's been deleted/disappeared. However, now that the Royals are using their #3,#4, and #5 options at short with both Aviles and TPJ on the DL, this may be a topic worth discussing.

via shortstopbar.com

While it's safe to assume that most people expected Mike Aviles' offensive numbers to regress from last year's breakout, I'm guessing not too many people pegged him for an OPS+ of 21 and a .183/.208/.250 line as we prepare to enter June. Now, if this is entirely related to his injured wrist and he can go down to Arizona, get away from everything and fix himself in a few weeks, then the notion of looking to trade for a SS may be meaningless. However, what if the wrist problem lingers? What if the wrist heals but the horrific plate mechanics keep resulting in horrific results? Last year, the Royals were out of the race early. It appears that they may be able to stay in the thick of the AL Central this year. Can we afford to run TPJ/Hernandez/Bloomy/Hulett/crappy version of Aviles out there at SS for a team that will be prone to offensive struggles all year long? Or should we look at other options? I think we all know what we'll get with TPJ/Hernandez--average to above-average fielding but little to no offense. Hulett has put up solid AAA numbers, but then again, so has Shane Costa. Hulett has also primarily been a 2B, so it's unknown if he can handle (or will be asked to play) SS. Bloomquist has been a pleasant surprise through the first 40+ games of the season, but can we reasonably expect his production to continue? Can he be a legitimate SS if he has to play there for an extended period of time?

Here are a few names that have been thrown around as players who may be shopped by their respective clubs. By no means is this an all-inclusive list--it's just a few names I've read about being available now that a few teams (KC, Boston, NY Mets are hurting at SS due to injuries). It's a mix of quick fixes, reclamation projects, buy-low candidates, etc. (Also known as former 1st rounders, All-Stars, Rookies of the Year, and Gold Glovers.)

Khalil Greene, Saint Louis Cardinals, 2009 Salary: $6.5M

The Boston Globe reported earlier this week that STL contacted Boston about Greene. Perhaps STL GM John Mozeliak threw out a flyer to the Royals' brass on Sunday when the Royals were in town upon learning of Aviles' DL trip. Greene is in the final year of his contract, and STL would most likely have to eat some money to move him as he has been a disappointment. It has also been reported that he is dealing with severe anxiety. STL hasn't started him since May 17 because of this, mainly using him as a pinch-hitter while he struggles to recover. I'd doubt that NY and Boston are two towns that would be beneficial for a person struggling with anxiety issues.

He's an interesting case, as he is a first round talent (13th pick) who has battled injuries for much of his career. He came up with a reputation of a defensive wizard, but some stats have shown his defense has declined the last few years. Playing in San Diego has also not done good things to his offensive numbers, which led to speculation that he would break out this year now that he's finally out of SD.

Possible advantages to acquiring Greene:

Even in SD, he's put up an OPS+ of 95 or higher in four out of the last five years.
Home vs. Away Splits--
Home: .226/.291/.365
Away: .266/.315/.478
He gets better as the season progresses. His best months of the season are the season's final months. If KC is playing meaningful baseball as the season winds down, he could be a benefit.
He's still just 29, and his stock can't get much lower. It seems to me that he's got a higher ceiling as a player than any of our current SS options. The prototypical "buy low" candidate.
With the obvious parallel to Greinke's anxiety issues, perhaps our organization could help fix him mentally, leading to better physical results. Maybe that would engender feelings of signing here in the off-season (in a best-case scenario). Worst case scenario is that you took a flyer on him, it didn't work out, and he goes elsewhere after the season as a free agent.

As for his defense, here is an excerpt from a Fangraphs article about him from this offseason:

So what do we make of Greene’s defense?

Well, his +/- ratings from 2006 to 2008 go from +13 to +7 to -4. If each year was considered an isoloated result, we’d conclude that two years ago Greene was one of the game’s best defenders at the toughest position to field but had fallen off substantially since then, to the point of being below average now.

Was Greene a terrific fielder who has since deteriorated to the point of being a minor liability? Maybe, but because of the variance in single year metrics, we certainly can’t state that with any kind of confidence. However, if we view each year as a data point, we’d find that the mean of his defensive value over the last three years is between +0 and +5, depending on how much weight you give to the most recent data points. Because of the larger sample, we can state with significantly more confidence that Greene was something like a +0 to +5 defender over the past three years, which would allow us to make a pretty decent projection for what he’ll do going forward.

As with all projections, a multi-year weighted collection of data will be more accurate than if you simply use the past year’s results and take them as the gospel truth. Every projection system worth it’s salt incorporates regression over several years to determine future output, and with Greene, that’s exactly what we have to do with the defensive data. The -4 rating from 2008 is a data point, but whether it represented an actual decline in his ability or not, we just don’t know. There’s too much noise in the data to support that kind of claim.

So, Cardinals fans should expect Greene to be something like a league average defensive shortstop or maybe a tick above. Toss in enough gap power to overcome his low OBP, and St. Louis just picked up a +2 win player for 2009. Considering his salary only values him at just over 1.25 wins, the Cardinals are getting a bargain for their money. Unless the PTBNL in the day is a significant prospect, we’d have to call this a good move for St. Louis - even with Greene’s -4 +/- score from 2008.

Felipe Lopez, Arizona Diamondbacks, 2009 Salary: $3.5M

Lopez (another first round talent) has seemingly turned on the proverbial switch after being released by Washington and signed by the Cardinals in the middle of last season. Perhaps playing for the Nationals will do that to a person. Anyway, Lopez (a Boras client) is also 29 years old. He signed a 1 year, $3.5M deal going into this season with Arizona to compete for their 2B job with Augie Ojeda. It turns out he has been one of their most valuable positional players (along with Reynolds and Upton). He has quite a bit of major league experience at SS, but his defense has always been a liability no matter his position. He would not be a guy to acquire for his defensive prowess. Also, he's likely benefitting from playing home games in AZ (current .933 Home OPS), and his BABIP is even higher than 2008 Aviles territory at .370. He would likely demand a higher price tag than Greene.

Possible advantages to acquiring Lopez:

He's currently sporting a WAR of 1.4, good for 7th among all MLB 2B (tied with Brian Roberts, Brandon Phillips, Robby Cano, Asdrubal Cabrera). He'd most likely be the best offensive option among the possible SS trade candidates.
Another player with an expiring contract, so KC would not be tying up any future finances if they don't feel like he's a long-term option.
A switch-hitter, which would allow for more lineup flexibility in the lower half of the lineup (he could also hit leadoff/2nd if needed).
Also has better numbers in the 2nd half compared to the first:
First Half: .255/.324/.388
Second Half: .278/.344/.415
Arizona is already 10.5 games back in the NL West, meaning they'll likely be looking to deal some of their more attractive commodities. Conversely, the entire American League is within 9 games of its respective division leaders.

Keith Law had this to say about his signing in the off-season:

You wouldn't know it from his stat lines, but Lopez has good raw tools. He can run, albeit not quite as well as he did before he started putting on weight; he has at least average raw power; he has good bat speed; and once upon a time he was a rangy shortstop with a good arm. He's lost much of this to indolence, seldom putting forth the effort required to convert his tools into performance outside of his one outstanding year in 2005. His midseason release in 2008 seemed to be a wake-up call, which, combined with some extraordinary luck, led to the best 169 plate appearances of his career. He's capable of sustaining some parts of that surge, and a .275/.350/.420 season with average defense at second base and value on the bases is within reach if he shows up in shape and sustains his effort level all season. That would make him an above-average second baseman at a below-average salary, and he could easily slug .450 or more given his raw power and the homer-friendly ballpark in Phoenix.

Bobby Crosby, Oakland Athletics, 2009 Salary: $5.25 M

Talk about buying low. Remember when Peter Gammons said he would be an MVP candidate in the AL after he was 2004 AL Rookie of the Year. Ugh. Anyway, he's another former first rounder who is in the final year of his contract. He's also 29, and has also battled injuries for the majority of his career. He requested a trade in the spring when he saw he wasn't going to get much playing time after Oakland signed Orlando Cabrera. He's played a little bit of everything so far this year (mainly 3B now that Chavez is hurt again--shocking, I know), and it's been predictably bad yet again from Crosby. His career line isn't too far off from the career of Khalil Greene, so maybe you'd think he would be suffering from playing in cavernous Oakland Alameda County Colleseum. However, that's not the case, as his splits show better home numbers vs. road numbers. He also has traditionally performed better in the first half of the season.

Career lines:
Greene: .246/.303/.423 OPS+ of 94
Crosby: .238/.307/.376 OPS+ of 82

Possible advantages of acquiring Crosby:

Best defender (per UZR) of the options listed here
Oakland would eat salary and not require much in return. Every MLB team passed on Crosby when he went through waivers with his current salary.
...ummm, I'm struggling for reasons here....probably the most 'gritty' of the bunch?

Orlando Cabrera, Oakland Athletics, 2009 Salary: $4M (4.25 if he gets traded)
Cabrera is the most experienced (34 years old) and probably the most well-recongnized name on the list of possible SS options. There were a lot of "please don't sign Cabrera" opinions floating around here this past off-season (of which I was one), but he may be put on the block if Beane feels that Oakland falls too far out of contention. His .241/.284/.300 line he's currently sporting is not going to up that price tag any, either. He's got a clause in his contract that his team will not offer arbitration to him after the season if he qualifies as a Type A free agent, meaning they wouldn't receive compensation if he signs elsewhere (I think). I don't know if this agreement is triggered if he qualifies as a Type B free agent, however.

Possible advantages:

Would come cheap & an expiring contract
His best OPS months are August and Sept/Oct
Has been consistently in between 2.7-3.8 WAR the last four years
Positive defender for his career.
Could possibly receive compensation if he is a Type B FA.

Other SS named in trade rumors: Jack Wilson (PIT), Yuniesky Betancourt (SEA)

There were rumors these guys would be traded for each other. Betancourt is still under contract until 2011 (with a 2012 buyout). He is not an option. Wilson is in the final year of his deal, but at a hefty price ($6.2 M for the rest of this year plus next year's buyout). He is also unlikely as an option.

....so there you have it. I'm getting tired, so my profiles got less substantial as I went, but that's a quick rundown of a few guys who may be available via trade. I don't see the Royals jumping to make a deal for any of them immediately, but if they internally worry more about Aviles than they're letting on, it wouldn't completely shock me to see them reach out and acquire someone--especially if they hang around in the Central. Obviously Felipe Lopez is playing the best right now of these options, and would probably be #1 on my list....but what do you think? I'd love to see Mike Aviles come back in two weeks and fall back into 2008 form, but I just don't have a lot of confidence in that happening right now. What would you do as GM?

Poll

If you were Dayton Moore, would you look to trade for a SS? If so, which option would you most likely look into?

Khalil Greene (STL)

17 votes

Felipe Lopez (ARZ)

36 votes

Bobby Crosby (OAK)

24 votes

Orlando Cabrera (OAK)

27 votes

None of the above. I'd stick with Aviles/TPJ/Bloomy/Hulett/Hernandez.

39 votes

143 votes | Poll has closed

LSB's Rally Animals inspire Royals' own Rally Zoo

Fernando Vina School of Linguistics — Mon, 25 May 2009 06:21:17 -0000

LSB's Rally Animals inspire Royals' own Rally Zoo

Just a quick word of thanks from Royals Review...back when KC & Texas played earlier this season, I noticed your rally pics and thought they were very clever. For a few games afterwards, we'd post the Rally Taco Can or Rally Alpaca to great success--giving LSB full credit for allowing us to channel the powers of the Rangers' offense. The phenomenon has since caught on and led to our own rally pics....so definite kudos to LSB and the Rangers. It seems as if your pitchers have started to channel the abilities of some of the Royals' players as well (non-Sidney Ponson/Horacio Ramirez/Kyle Farnsworth division). Hopefully both teams can keep playing well---I've always been a Texas fan too. Keep our Mizzou kid Kinsler injury free this year, and feel free to borrow any of our Rally Zoo animals in times of need. Here's to continued success this season and running away from Anaheim in the division!