"Superstar NHL caliber goalie Gustavsson was given the challenge last night of matching up against one of the greatest goalies of all time on a surging Devils team in order to keep the Leafs playoff chances alive! The bounces went against our Boys in Blue on the night, but if not for Gustavsson, Toronto would have left the ice with no points instead of a much needed 1!"

- Gustavsson Apologists R.I.P. 2009 - 2012

One of the most over-valued, over-protected and over-used Leafs in recent history tripped on his way into the winners circle Tuesday night, falling fantastically onto his sword for the final time in a beautiful sweater with a certain Leafy motif. The Japanese have a name for such a ritual. They call it "切腹" or Seppuku. The only difference is they use it to save face and honour by not giving in to their enemies, and Gustavsson did it to secure a good laugh from the internet guy with "Losers Since 67" written on the back of his jersey.

Done now for good is any notion of Gustavsson's position as Maple Leafs possible #1 goalie. Necessarily going with it are the hopes, dreams and excuses of the throng of Leafs logicians who ignore little things like objective analysis, stats, and the power of love to insist that Gustavsson is anything but a sometimes good back-up goalie. In the Swedish Elite League.

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In life, we are all forced to do things we really don't want to do. Take me for example. As a board-certified massage therapist, every day I have to work on people from all walks of life who think that just because I'm "comfortable" with their nudity, suddenly I must be their psychiatrist or something. Like this one client I have, I'll call him "Howard B." Petulant and with eyes swimming with unfulfilled dreams, the moment he gets his towel on he begins to drone on and on and on about being a professional laughingstock, swearing his ass off the whole while. I just try and get through it. The whole time he's ranting, all I'm thinking is, "Please God, don't let him get wood" and, "Really? A Goatee? In 2012?!"

The point I'm making is this, we all have things we dread but have to face. Yesterday it was the Leafs having to play the Pittsburgh Penguins for the second night in a row. Wednesday's game, coming off as a diabolical stream of "if only's" which allowed the Pens to come all the way back from 4-1 in the 3rd to winning in overtime, only stoked my anxiety. To say that after the collapse in game one I was dreading game two would be an understatement; I haven't had such mixed feelings about a back to back since the final scene in "Requiem for a Dream."

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You know, life is full of delicious little mysteries: How does the mind work? What is the nature of love? How does Pierre McGuire keep finding a job? Well it doesn’t take a strict Jungian like me to figure out that another is certainly not knowing how and when we will die. Last night in St. Louis, we found one exception to that poser embodied in Jonas Gustavsson.

Gustavsson, a goggle-eyed bean pole whose major claim to fame is that he took the Leafs net away from Vesa Toskala, was witness to his own demise last night at the hands of tousle-haired youngster Ben Scrivens who fired 37 nails into Gustavsson’s Leaf coffin. With every save against a surging Blues team, Scrivens forced Jonas to smell the glove of redundancy every goaltender fears. From possible #1 to solid #2, and now a disgruntled #3, Jonas's career is as dead as Howard Berger's.

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Last night we all found the answer to the riddIe, "Which is harder: the Leafs winning a hockey game or getting 10,000 comments to save lives?" The surprising answer is that they're both pretty goddamn tough. One half of the result came from the hard work of the Leafs' second line and the soft work of Pekka Rinne. The other half came from all of us who compose the beating hearts of Leafs Nation.

The Leafs, no doubt buoyed on the karmic goodwill of us all, came out in the first looking like the club that dominated the Flyers last week; hard working, pucks down low, smart sticks and all. In other words, a team that earned a shutout. When you play hard like that not only must you capitalize on the opening you've made (Ponikarovsky goal) you also start to sort of create your own luck (Niklas Hagman's goal, majorly), a little something the lack of has been hexing the Leafs seemingly all season.

After going up a pulse-quickening 3-0, the Leafs seemed to tremble a bit at the solid work of an off-the-bench Dan Ellis, which, this being a Leafs game, meant that Nashville sensed an opening and started to climb all the way back. The Preds began to press hard (see above adage), scored quickly and got back to within winning range. The Predators got their fans back in the game and there was a huge shift in the energy as 16,501 Tennesseans doffed their "The Oak Ridge Boys" trucker caps and made some noise, no doubt spilling some chaw juice down the front of their deep V-neck t-shirts.

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All right everyone, please settle down. I know it'll be difficult as we've all suffered an incredible blow. Obviously this morning we're still reeling from the shocking happenings at the ACC last night, or as I will now always refer to it, "The Events of 1/14.'"

Wins don't come easily to this Leafs team, and a win by shutout is the rarest gem in Leafs Nation. The timing for this one was perfect, as it stemmed another Toronto slide, and pulled the un-fastened fight-strapped jersey over the head of a creep filled Philadelphia Flyers team. Now just to make sure we're all on the same page here, let me take a quick poll: I want to see a show of hands of all you Leafs who played their best game of the season... Not so fast Ian White, you're always awesome. But to the other 19 of you, that estimation is pretty much spot on. Most unbelievably this also includes one V. Toskala. You may remember him from such opposition goals as 'the one a minute into the game', and 'the one a minute and a half into the game.'

Toskala, who in spite of his better judgment stopped all 38 Flyer shots, looked solid, calm and dependable. These words replacing the three adjectives I thought I'd be using to describe him when I heard he was the starter: "Horrendous", "Pathetic" and "Never Kissed a Girl".

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In preparing to write this post about last night's Leafs/Oilers game, I tried to think of a bunch of cliches that I could use to illustrate my frustration. "Flat as a Pancake" was a good start. "Give the Shirt Off Your Back" was a bit of a stretch and "You've Got Ants in Your Pants" kind of turned me on, so it wasn't until I came across "The Leafs Can't Hit the Broad Side of a Fucking Barn" did I know I hit the seam.                   

So, the Leafs can't hit the broad side of a fucking barn and doesn't newly minted Vezina trophy candidate Jeff Deslauriers know it? Deslauriers, yet another average NHL goalie who gets the once a season treat of having his stats inflated at the Leafs expense, coasted to the win at Rexall Place for once not disappointing his parents. I'm not sure about you but I am sick to death of the Leafs making their opponents' 'Goalie of the Future' look like their 'Goalie of the Present'. 

Remember the good old days when all we had to fuss about was Jason "I Hate Logos" Blake making sure he ruined the very center of a goalies' jersey with yucky black puck marks? Well the Leafs have decided to be the bane of a different team employee; going from the guy who does the teams laundry to the guy who paints the end boards at the end of the season.

On an interesting side note, this was going to be a post about how much I hate Vesa Toskala, but I found that typing is hard to do with clenched fists. I learned early on in life that anger is something which needs to be expressed, and not buried deep, deep, deep  inside, so I promise I'll talk about this black hole in my heart the next time Vesa Toskala is inextricably given the start in another Leafs game. Until then I want to wish Joey MacDonald all the best for the new year.

A funny thing happens to a young NHL superstar on his way to setting a personal high in shots in a game: you electrify a nation driven mad with desire for culpable proof that their team will actually have a number in the "wins" column in the double digits. And by double, I mean, "2".  As a charter member of that Nation, did I get all the proof I need? You bet your over-used Wellwood fat-jokes I did. So tonight, as the goal lusty Phil Kessel and the Leafs head into flavour country, do I believe Toronto will reach that plateau over a ripe-for-the-taking Hurricane team? Does a Wellwood eat in the woods?

The thing I found most noticeable about Kessel's first game as a Leaf was how dynamic he was with the puck. When he had it, he wasn't thinking "...hey, a drop pass would look great right about now!". He just wanted to take it and score with it. He failed miserably of course, seeing as how the score was 2-1 against and not 11-1 for, but still. The intention was there, and considering the season so far, that's a lot.

I feel a sense of peace and hope for the future that the binary star of Kessel and Gustavsson will bring to the Leafs. The future looks better than today. As the Hadron Collider is sabotaging itself from the future, Newton's third law has kicked in, and future Kessel brings hope! And goals! And wins! And the retirement of Howard Berger!

Don't worry Pension Plan Puppets fans, in this future your beloved blog still takes to the sky each night, now from our new HQ in an abandoned cistern miles beneath Mt. Fuji, where we take delight in the ugly, gutless play of the nearby Osaka Senators. Your core group is still here, except now "1967ers" calls himself  "2012ers" for reasons too wonderful to even speak here. Leaf of the Day's still going strong, bringing us former Leaf news and information. Here's a sneak peak at future Kessel's installment. 2012ers continues doing a great job on LotD. Hopefully in May of 2011 you won't miss his two day piece on Jyrki Lumme's post hockey career rise to become Finland's top acid house DJ. See you then!

As a doctor, I have devoted my life to ending the pain and suffering of those wretched souls who wander the world without hope, without direction.  Choosing this path in life has brought me many riches; for example, it's how I met Chemmy. But now I want to put my powers to even greater use: I am going to help the Toronto Maple Leafs.

"But how?", none of you must be asking. How is Greener going to do it? Well, if I told you everything, I'd have to charge every one of you my full fee of $****.95 an hour, so I won't, but I will let you in on a little thing I use in my practice. It's a little wonder drug called POSITIVE THINK-ING! And just how am I going to do this for the Leafs? Well, I'm going to the Leafs/Ducks game today in Anaheim, and I will be personally instructing the boys on how to change the course of their season. I'll be going into the dressing room before game time. A cool guy I met online told me he'd bring me in. He said to come around to the back of the Honda Center around 6:30 where him and his friends will meet me. He said bring money, so that'll be cool. I love making new contacts!

So, a quick visual lesson in Change Your Perspective, Change Your Life™, by Dr. Greener, PhD, PsyD, SeXY.

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Summer has given way to fall this week and obviously that means a couple of important things. One is: VAMPIRE MOVIES!!1! The other is new hockey video games! And until they can merge my two faves (online screenname: PhaneufBiter69), I'll have to settle for one or the other. To that end I want to review the newest game out there: TML 10! 

Exploding out of the gate TML 10 is the best TML to come out in years. At least  the best since the pre-lockout TML 04. For those of us who've suffered through the versions since that time it appears to have been worth the wait.

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I'm not a religious man, to say the least. This one time a street corner preacher asked me if I needed to have my soul saved, and I answered "It's 11:30". In spite of this, I know when someone is doing the Lord's work, if the Lord is the Stanley Cup, and the work is kicking the shit out of everyone in the Eastern conference.

To that end, I sit at the hem of Brian Burke's garment. Me and 11 other saintly guys - PPP, Chemmy, uh, Trevor, and like, others - follow him around in blue robes loving what he's done with and for the Toronto Maple Leafs. By the power vested in him by his oft repeated mantra of personal truculence, testosterone, and perhaps some sort of magic sword, Burke has made the Leafs "something" other than the serving of milquetoast they were before he entered the GTA. No matter what you think of the deal to make Phil Kessel a Leaf, you can't argue with that.

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If you're anything like me, and lets be honest, with all my charity work, how could you be, you're someone who loves the summertime. Long, hot days. Short, steamy nights. Tops go down and tops come off. With all due respect to Autumn, it's the sexiest, sexy season. So, that all said, let me also add: BORR-RING.

This year, there are certain, special affectations which fall under the banner of Dog Days of Summer Syndrome™. These symptoms last precisely from the closing of Tomas Kaberle's trade window, to the first time a member of the creep-cabal of Berger/Cox/Simmons makes the "joke" that since it's pre-season, the Leafs are tied for first in the league.

Here's a major DDoSS symptom: Sitting at work refreshing the NHL page at TSN.ca 700 times a day between noon and 4. Because of this, it must be a happy time for the the good people at Coldwell Banker right now, because their click-through rate is going through the roof! There's nothing else to look at. Seriously nothing epitomizes the lack of hockey news going on more than hoping there will be a development in the Phoenix Coyote's Don't Have a Lease and Might Have toZZzzz-zzz-zz...

I'm so desperate for any hockey information, that I've been doing something I never, and I mean NEVER do: read about the Ottawa Senators. See, I don't even like to acknowledge the Ottawa Senators, so that usually precludes reading about them. But during the long, long summer one learns that the motto of sufferers of DDoSS is that beggars can't be choosers.

So for the first and almost certainly last time... have you seen what's happening with the Senators lately? Man, they are way worse than I thought they'd be! OK, that's a lie because given half a chance I'd tell you what an ugly, gutless bunch of assholes they are, but wow, everything around them is awful!

Well, that makes it unanimous

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As I sit here writing a post about Kerry Fraser, I sit here having a heated argument with someone I've never argued with... about Kerry Fraser. This person, whom I'll call "my 4:00 patient", listened intently to everything Fraser said as he fought for his life yesterday on Leafs Lunch. After telling me her impressions of the interview, which were "he said the non-call had nothing to do with it being Gretzky", and "...he seems like a genuine guy", I gave her my impressions, which were, "You're absolutely nuts", and "That'll be $2700 please".

AM 640 held the interview in its floating studios out on Lake Ontario, pirate radio style. This was because the Leafs Lunch technicians realized that the making of a street-level gallows is very noisy, and those mics pick up everything, so the station had to take it off-shore. After all that fuss, Fraser took calls made by Leafs fans, which is ironic, as he can't stand making calls himself. 

I'm not sure what prompted Kerry to want to talk about himself, but I suspect he's going on a "protect the legacy" tour, kind of like George Bush. I know it's strange to think, but actually those two have a lot in common:  Both men rose to their positions' highest office. Both men have all their hair. Both men totally ruined the world. Stripes never, ever, looked more fitting.

Editor's Note: In an effort to ensure that my favourite bloggers don't disappear Chemmy has managed to get He Score He Shoot's Greener to agree to join Bitter Leaf MF37 as a contributing blogger. When will his posts show up? If this picture is any indication then I guess he'll swoop in like a ninja whenever the inspiration strikes him.

When Brian Burke and his collection of thesauruses became Leafs GM last November, a (Leafs) nation so used to  absorbing the desperately polite banalities of say, Stephen Harper, or the completely made up writings of say, Howard Berger, turned on its collective heel, not quite knowing what to make of such a Sassy Sally. 

Much, much, much has been made of Burke's supposed use of the word "truculent", a 16th century term meaning, in part, "fierce; cruel; and savagely brutal". I say supposed because I actually never heard him say it, and I figure it could be turning into one of those "Play it again, Sam" things; something which everyone believes was said, but never actually was.

Now before all you awesome joke killers little darlings fill the comments section with a thousand Toronto Sun links showing Burke's quote, let's just look at the point he was making when using the word: That win or lose, your Toronto Maple Leafs are going to be something we're all going to be proud of, and really, really enjoy watching.

Remember, this is a team that, just two years ago, was hoping that that plate of Hamburger Helper on skates - Kyle Wellwood - was going to be its first line centre. Wellwood, a player only a mother could love, and by mother, I mean Navin from Sports and the City, is like that girl/boyfriend from your past you just can't believe you went out with, but, you know, you're stronger now, and you'd never be that stupid again. Wellwood is an embarrassment to the fucking Vancouver Canucks, let alone the Leafs. At least the Leafs saved face by dumping him.

So what can we expect from the 09/10 Leafs? How fierce; cruel; and savagely brutal will they be? Let's ask the trembling chicken hearts beating in the "chests" of the Ottawa Senators, or the little people in Montreal who get to face the Leaf monsters all season. On Saturday night. In front of their parents. Here's a future echo of the truculence the Leafs will have this season:

Want more proof? Please note that Bruce Lee is the Alternate captain.

The (American) Thanksgiving horn 'o' plenty keeps on giving for your friend Greener this week, and I keep on thanks-ing. This deliciously laden cornucopia brought to you by a peaceful, loving Universe, and the lawyers running the NHL who've finally realized that human beings west of, say, Buffalo actually want to see the Leafs more than once a decade.

The Kings are a surprisingly talented bunch whose perpetual placement in the standings belies the fact that they are a good, entertaining hockey team. Kind of like the Leafs of the last say, 12 years.

One main cause for concern for the Kings always seems to be in net. They either keep them too long: OMGDan Cloutier, or not long enough: Mathieu Garon, Cristobal Huet. I'm reading that the starter tonight will be #1 Jason Labarbera, which is good news. Labarbera has looked shaky in every game I've seen him in this year, and his rebound control is Raycroftian. He's beatable by shelling him with shots, and going hard to the net looking for rebounds. This is an obvious thing to say Labarbera or not, as the Leafs should be doing that every goddamn game no matter who they face.

Look for guys like Dustin "If It Lives I Hit It" Brown, and eventual-runner up-to-Luke Schenn-for the Calder- Drew Doughty. They, and guys like Alex Frolov and Patrick O'Sullivan are good, and if Toronto have a lead, Ron Wilson has to keep the Leafs interested because the Kings have the ability to come alive and pull themselves out of a hole.

The Leafs are riding a crest right now due to the Burke signing, and the confidence instilled by Vesa Toskala doing his usual quarter poll turn to being a great goalie. With him playing like he has the past few games, listen for the sound of thousands of car horns honking on Olympic Avenue, mine included.

ALSO: Here's a fun game. Drink an entire beer for every  "Mats Sundin in the skybox" shot they show! You'll be drunk by the first intermission!

On a night when HNIC honours heroes of the real and sporting type, the Leafs pick a great time to play what is increasingly becoming the mark of these 08/09 Leafs: 60 minutes of being a team that no one in the NHL enjoys playing against.

Similar to the brave boys who went overseas and heroically took care of business in two World Wars, the Leafs stared into the ugly face of evil (the Habs), and refused to let even the most despicable, inhumane behaviour (Kostopoulos, Kostitsyn), stem the inevitable tide of triumphant victory!

Throwing everything at the Habs is the only way to beat an enemy that will stop at nothing to ensure that every single little Johnny and Susie Canada out there are decked out head to toe in bleu, blanc et rouge. Is that what good, honest Canadians want? Well Mr. and Mrs. Maple Leaf, You say NO! Do your part to halt this Tri-Coleured Menace threatening our precious way of life! POST YOUR COMMENTS, AND BUY BONDS. TODAY!

We are just over a day away from the beginning of the season so it's time to make predictions for the upcoming season. Throughout the day we'll have a number of previews and first up are Steven Spielberg and my compadre - Greener and Norte from He Score, He Shoot.

As summer '08 gives way to the autumn of same, the time comes when hands reach back into any number of closets, grasping for the trappings of fall: The comfortable sweater knitted with earth tones. The kid-dreaded "Back to School" fliers from Zellers, and the compulsory team/division/conference hockey preview.

Well, your bro-felds at He Score, He Shoot are no different from you and your blog/text messages/drunken ramblings. We have a history of previews on our site, and, in doing research for this piece, I've noticed that they've been pretty much all been written by my...well, I almost said friend. How about "guy I made the mistake of mentioning doing a blog to", Moose. Since PPP has brilliantly devised a way for people to do his work for him (just by asking, you conniving bastard!) and to do a Leafs season preview, I thought I'd look and see what Moose wrote about the Leafs in his NHL season preview a mere year ago:

3. Toronto Maple Leafs: After writing that about Ottawa, I suddenly want to put the Leafs 2nd. See Leafs fans, you've improved already! Ironically, the Leafs look a lot like the Oilers on paper. Good goaltending, dangerous PP, but concerns about secondary scoring and defence. I think the addition of Jason Blake and another year of development from Wellwood, Steen, and Ponikarovsky, should allow them to score enough goals. The defence is still a concern. It's strange how hard I try to like, no, accept the Leafs for Greener's sake. Fuck, I'm a really good friend.

A few things. First, I am not his friend. I can't stipulate that enough. Secondly, this was after he chose Buffalo to win the Northeast with the Leafs third and Montreal 4th! And lastly, who the fuck cares what he just wrote about Ottawa! This was during a dark period in our blogs' history when Moose actually wrote a lot, usually about a team in the Western Conference...The Something Somethings...oh, who cares. The point is...here's He Score He Shoot's Leafs Season Preview!

Joining me on the journey will be my compatriot on this Blue and White Brick Road, Norte! Yes! Awesome! Who cares! Well, we're going head to head today, point/counterpoint style. It's He Score, He Shoot: He Said, He Said. Or: "HS/HS/HS/HS"

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Editor's Note: You might remember Greener as part of the three man team that was needed to fill my shoes while I was gallivanting in Europe. He is also part of the team at He Score! He Shoot!. Considering his partner is Moose then you might say he's the entire team but then again Jay needs Kevin's laughter and Johnny needed Ed's millions so mostly useless presences do serve a purpose. But enough of the Straight-Talk Express. Greener will, in between trying to keep Moose from ruining another podcast, drop in on a somewhat regular basis with some brilliant photography in a feature that has no name so far. Feel free to make suggestions and welcome Greener's first piece.]

The non battle of wills which made up the Bryan McCabe/Cliff Fletcher tete-a-tete will come to an end in a week and a half, punctuated with a $2,000,000 kiss on the lips. It seems that two million dollars is what it takes for someone to not be a Maple Leaf. Several sources I’ve spoken to have said things like "For 2 million bucks I’d cut my own hand off." and, "Greener, don’t stand over my bed while I’m sleeping."

One million twonies ends up being the final word for McCabe in Toronto. A tenure which began 8 years ago when Pat Quinn robbed the Chicago Blackhawks in a one for one deal for the pillow soft Alexander Karpotsev. Its seen McCabe going from future Leaf captain and undisputed #1 D, to an own-goal potting, persona non grata pariah, who right now is arguing about who gets the top bunk with new blue line partner Wade Belak.

It should have gone better for Bryan, who was rock hard before John Ferguson wrapped the Kryptonite necklace of his huge contract around his neck. Now, thrown another bundle of bills, we’ll see if the yellow sun in Florida can help save his career.

Seeing as the date is July 12th, by my (Romulan) calendar, I make it approximately 400 weeks since what's-his-name left his forlorn, run-down Toronto Maple Leafs blog, Pension Plan Puppets, for his idylic, sexy vacation. Did I say vacation? I meant forever.

When your friend and mine PPP (the man) left PPP (the blog) all that time ago, he entrusted it to three highly skilled individuals. When they too went on vacation, it fell into the laps of three...uh...individuals. MF37, Chemmy and Me.

Oh, the fun we've had! There was that time Chem and I wrote that stuff. There was this one night where MF37 (MF to his friends) screamed "To hell with it!", and wrote a post about Mats Sundin! I'd say it had that heady, exciting feeling that you get in college, if I'd ever gone to college.

PPP (the man), seen here in the departure lounge at Pearson International, was away in Europe all this time doing all sorts of awesome things that say, Me, MF and Chemmy weren't doing. That's because we were here making sure his site advertising cheque for the month of July would be EXTRA big. Incidentally, you can see a documentary about PPP's sexy European exploits. It'll be called "Quantum of Solace" and it opens in theaters everywhere November 8th. Rated 'R' for violence, sexual situations and no blogging.

As for Me, MF and Chem, we've been up to our eyeballs doing this blog, our own blogs, and our newest mode of expression: MODERN DANCE!

Here we are from a piece entitled "The Toronto Maple Leafs 08/09 Line-Up". I'm the one on the right...or is it left? I can't tell anymore. Basically we're making a comment on man's inhumanity to man in a Godless universe where materialism and greed highlight the fact that the Leafs #1 center is Nik Antropov and their captain in Tomas Kaberle. I'm hoping we can get an arts council grant to really turn it into something special. Or at least to get us some shirts.

Seriously, it's been a real pleasure to come on Pension Plan Puppets and write about our team. This blog is a special place for all of us, and it's been awesome these past weeks interacting with all you guys, and working with Chemmy and MF37.

• Chemmy can always be found at the great Darcy Tucker Fan Club .
• MF37 always roc's the mic at Bitter Leaf.
• As for me, I'm always writing better than Moose at He Score, He Shoot!
  Bookmark us, tell you're friends about us, and come visit often.

• What can you say about Steve? He keeps writing 'em, and I keep linking to 'em .
• MF37 writes something I've been thinking for years: When will the Leafs change the ACC music?
• My friend, General B, begins a series of posts about a Leafs all-time Dream Team. How good is this team? This good: Darryl Sittler is on the THIRD line.
• One time I went out with a girl who forced me never to speak to her family after we broke up. What a pussy. According to Wrap Around Curl, some things just aren't negotiable.
• He Score, He Shoot is now on Facebook. Just imagine, you're one click away from you and me being besties! Also: Don't forget our latest podcast.
• What would you say if I told you that a team was giving out jerseys with an angry pig on the chest? No, not that it was fan appreciation night in Ottawa, but introducing the newest affiliate of the Anaheim Ducks, the Iowa Chops!

And Finally...Proceed To The Comments!

One of my favorite goals ever scored by someone in a Leafs uniform was scored by the Toronto Maple Leafs new Special Assistant to the General Manager. That man's name is Joe Nieuwendyk, and he scored the winning goal in a 4-1 shit-kicking of the Ottawa Senators on April 19, 2004. I know this, because I still have the game on my Tivo. This was another in a long line of Leafs cleaning out the barn and kicking the swine out of the Stanley Cup playoffs.

This was the game where the Leafs went up three nothing in the first and simutaneously ruined the careers and reputations of Jacques Martin, and Patrick "I Got It! I Got It! I Got It! I Don't Got It!" Lalime. Nieuwendyk scored the game winner in the first with a wrist shot that beat Lalime short side. A goal that even Ottawa homer Darren "I'm From Nepean" Pang said, "That goal shouldn't go in in October, and it shouldn't go in now!"

My favorite thing though, and the reason I still look at it, is the great game call by ESPN's Steve Levy, who yelled, after the first Nieuwendyk goal, "...and it's getting away from Lalime and the Senators early!" 4 years later, it makes me smile just to think about it. Also: I now know what my tombstone will say.

The Senators signed Jason Smith on Tuesday. Smith's a hard-nose guy we know from his Leafs tenure and subsequent leadership of the Oilers. Since mon partener Moose is an Oil lover, I emailed him and asked him for some first hand info I could use for this post. Moose was his usual help by replying:

"                                                                                                                                           "

Great job, thanks buddy. Appreciate the effort.

Smith now with Ottawa brings the number of people/things who would be a better captain than that dickless wonder Danielle Alfredsson to an even 250,000,000, the latest additions being Smith, a broken skateboard, and KoKo, the sign language gorilla.

"...a definite upgrade at captain..." - Ottawa Citizen

• Remember that movie that was made where the Leafs and NHL gave permission to use their logos and likenesses in the film? No dummy, I'm not talking about "The Love Guru", I'm speaking of Breakfast With Scot. It's the one where a character in the film is a gay guy who plays for Toronto. Its found a distributor, and will be out this fall. We should all be proud that the Leafs did this.
• A thousand thank you's to Steve, who writes about Nieuwendyk when I need him too the most.
• When the great Thomas Hobbes established the terms with which we've come define political philosophy, he never could have imagined that one day, those terms would also include "Push-Up Bra With Gel Curve". We have the loveliness of Wrap Around Curl to thank for that.
• And finally, in the happiness file, a bunch of assholes got together in Malibu over the 4th holiday and hung out with the Cup.

Please Proceed in an Orderly Fashion to the Comments!

With the last privately exploded Mexican-made 4th of July firework going off in my neighborhood this Saturday night, I'm realizing that summer is really here, and for those of us who love hockey, that only means one thing. Boredom. Remember that time when all that stuff was happening around the NHL, and we all had so-ooo much to read and write about? I remember that time too. It was last week.

When you tuck into the second week of July, it's the week after free agency started, and already, most of the heat has gone out of it. By this time, all of your faves have been bought out (and since signed with the Avs), and all of your hates have been  released (and signed by the Canucks). This is the time of year when you start to become desperate for anything hockey. That's when you find yourself looking again at the Youtube video of Lanny McDonald scoring against the Islanders. Or, if you're Navin, having the Youtube video of Lanny McDonald scoring against the Islanders in the background while you write about Cito Gaston.

While we aren't all as lucky as Nav (in more ways than one), we all do have one thing to be grateful about. No, not that Jared of London hasn't asked to borrow money from us (yet), but that, for sure, we'll get through this terrible hockey dormancy period because we all have each other! Togerther we'll make it! You, me, and the FTB's! No, I don't know what FTB means either, but hey, it's a start!

• Sean shocks me out of my state of complacency by writing an excellent column about Glenn Healey weighing in on the Fletcher/McCabe showdown. In his second paragraph he claims the same about Howard Berger. Sean,  I beg you to reconsider.
• The writerly Steve at TML Hockey Analysis decides to take his blog name literally, and really, really analyze the Toronto Maple Leafs.
• In the "I Don't Get Enough Attention" file, read what I wrote last October about the just-in-its-infancy Brian Burke/Kevin Lowe feud.
• Hot Chick? (Loser Domi) Bi-Curious? (Moose) Then sashe immediately over to Wrap Around Curl or I Mean, We Got Guys , and vote for hottest D-man and Left Winger.
• The already mentioned Navin spews some seldom seen Nav hate at Andrew Raycroft. He hates him so much that he says someone found his blog by searching the term "I Hate Andrew Raycroft". In an absolutely true story, one time I noticed that someone found my blog, He Score, He Shoot, by searching for the term "Borje Salming Huge Cock".

To The Comments!

Cliff Fletcher has acquired Mikhail Grabovski from Montreal for prospect Greg Pateryn and the Leafs 2nd round pick in 2010. So yaaaay! No second round picks for years now! A C/LW, Grabovski is a 24 year old Belarusian who was Montreal's 5th round pick in the 2004 draft. Here's what Grabovski's all about according to HockeysFuture:

Mikhail Grabovski

Prospect Grade: 7.0 C  

History

In 200304 played for Neftekhimik Nizhnekamsk of the RSL, where he was fifth on the team in scoring. Also played for Team Belarus in the World Champhionships Division 1A. Before that he played in Belarus for the HC Younst Minsk club and the U-20 and U-18 in 2002-03 and 2001-02.

2005-06: Grabovsky was impressive in his performance this past year with Moscow Dynamo and has shown that he’s ready to make the jump overseas.

2006-07: His first season playing in North America, Grabovski was quick to acclimate, despite suffering a pre-season shoulder injury that delayed his regular season debut. His performance in Hamilton (AHL) was strong enough to earn a look in Montreal, and he instantly grabbed attention with his dynamic rushes and offensive prowess during his brief 3 game stay mid-season.

Talent Analysis

The talented young forward is an overage player, but proved quite capable on the surprising Neftkhimik (Nizhnekamsk) squad, which was the Super League’s overachiever all season long. A smooth skater with good speed, Grabovski leads the rush and made a significant contribution on offense.

With the uproar of free agency dying down, there are only a few good players left out there still fielding offers. Guys like Mats, Jagr, and me. Mind you, the offers I'm fielding are along the lines of "Do you want to biggie size those fries for only .99 cents?" Admittedly, the offer is not that great, but the term is over 5 years which is what my family and I are looking for.

So over the next few days, hopefully we will all be trying to gain some amount of perspective on something that is called "The Silly Season" for a reason. Players get overpaid in free agency, that's why they love it, and risk the wrath of snubbed fans by turning down extensions to go after it. Overpaying is like doping in the Tour de France. You may not want to do it, but you know everyone else will, so you kind of have to pull your pants down and get on with it.. The screaming in the Leaf-Verse (TM) now is about what Leaf fans consider to be a diabolical contract given to new Leaf Jeff "No Pun Intended" Finger. By merely accepting a $14 million contract, Finger has entered into a potentially macabre circle of hockey hell. A dreaded ville where players cash-in big time and quickly forget what type of play got them there. A place where its rich mayor, His Honor Bryan McCabe (ex mayor: P. Kubina) rules with a benevolent, non-lethal body check. Does Finger know what he could be in for? Who knows. I want to make sure Finger avoids that terrible place, for our sake as much as his. So here's a quick note for Jeff I jotted off on my own personalized stationary. And yes, my name is "Holiday Inn, Long Beach, Calif."

Dear Jeff,

Hey Bro, heard you're coming to town! Awesome! I know you're going to love it. Read something about you in the papers: Yeppers, it is the center of the hockey universe. Yes, there will be a huge scrum of reporters after every game. Get ready to have your every shift examined daily! Dude, you will not believe the scrutiny! That brings me to my point Jeffers. There are already a lot of haters out here expecting you not to be worth the money that Papa Cliff gave to you. In order to survive here, you have to make them forget that, and in a hurry. If you take any advice, take this: On your first shift on home ice, find the nearest Ottawa Senator you can, and kick the living shit out of him. I don't care which one it is, or how you do it, check him, board him, punch him, whatever. Just F the little creep up. Doing things like that on this team, especially to that team, is what we here call "priceless". And J-Dog, priceless is a whole lot more than $14 Large.

Yours Expectantly,

Greener

P.S. Just to be on the safe side, make it on Alfredsson.

 

In other "news", Mats has yawned away a $20 million deal with the Vancouver Zz-zz-zz's, I mean Canucks. That very day, a magazine was doing a piece on "A Day In the Life of an Agent", and at the very moment that Sundin's agent J.P. Barry heard Mats say he was turning down all that money, the photographer captured this image:

• Normally I would never, ever send any of you, my friends over to that site, but this is an exception as a good article by Alec Brownscombe makes a hopeful case that, considering the market, Jeff Finger might be a better signing than we all think.
• Steve continues a lifetime of caring and sharing by saving my links bacon yet again with this piece on future Leaf and current handsome devil Dmitri Vorobiev. 
• While we're on notes of potential hope, please take a gander-Newfoundlander at a piece I wrote in April about absolutely-will-make-the-Leafs-out-of-camp, Nikolai Kulemin.
• Our own co-hostess with the mostest, MF37, returns from an internet free vacation to find that the Leafs had begun the most massive team overhaul since 1967 when, after winning the Cup, Ballard sold everything not nailed down that his asshole, money-grubbing, pig-hands could grasp on to.
• Lastly and absolutely leastly, Moose puts the final period on the free-agency, uh, period, by starting off with the most detestable Jeff Finger pun yet, but then saving himself with a post reviewing what that rest of the NHL did and didn't do well this UFA week.

SEXY 12:30 EST UPDATE: The Leafs have acquired Mikhail Grabovski from Montreal for prospect Greg Pateryn and a 2nd round pick in 2010.

To The Comments!

There. I beat the entire Sun media empire to the worst pun that Jared of London never made. Who the hell is Jeff Finger you may well ask. Well, go ahead and ask. No, I'll ask. Who in the hell is Jeff Finger? Here's another question: How in the hell do the the Leafs give a guy who's most notable for having the same name as a body part $14 million over four years? I can now think of other body part names to use on him and Cliff Fletcher if this turns out to be another McCabe situation. At least with McCabe, he had a few great years before he cashed in. Jeff Finger? OK, a +22 in 94 career NHL games is a good stat. But I think the more important thing to look at there is the part where I said "94 CAREER NHL GAMES". That means ever. That's only 94 more games than I've played. Thank God PPP is paying me for this. PPP is paying me for this...right?

In other news I am now a bit more of a fan of the C. Avalanche now that our homestyle Darcy Tucker has signed with them. Aside from the benefits of playing for a good organization, This means we'll all get spared the indignity of seeing Darc play the Leafs 20 times a year which would have happened if he'd signed in the east. Once again, Darcy Tucker is thinking about our well being.

I'm also pleased that Andrew Raycroft was picked up quickly. Raycroft always impressed me as a class guy, always took his struggles seriously and never lashed out at the team or played a blame game. It just goes to show that if you play with class and dignity, the NHL community sees it, and is willing to give players another chance. Somewhere Ray Emery isn't listening. Raycroft is a better goalie than he looked last season, and I'm happy that he hasn't had to re-build his career from scratch.

UPDATE: LEAFS GET THE HAGMAN

OK, I mean, that's not even a pun. Hagman, a second generation NHL'er gets 4 years for $12,000,000.

Underprivileged kids throughout the GTA are celebrating right now as the greatest friend the Boys and Girls Club ever had, Curtis Joseph, is returning to play for the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Whether they left through trade, free agency, or were denied through fickle fate, they always end up coming back to the Leafs. On the ice or in the office they want to be a part of it again. CuJo is the latest of these signing a 1 year deal. The terms are so far undisclosed, but will surely be no more than $750,000.

Cujo will bring experience, dependability and a 41 year-old body to the Leafs. I know some people were saying that Justin Pogge should be called to back up Toskala, but now that Scott Clemmensen is gone, Justin will get the net to himself for a full season with the Marlies. Taking a lot of time is better with Pogge as his development is incredibly important to the Leafs organization. CuJo played well for Calgary backing up Kiprusoff playing in 9 games (not far off the projected 15 he'll play for the Leafs) for a .906 PCT.

I fielded a phone call from Moose on Sunday night where over the course of 2 minutes his mood went from "in shock" to "off his ass elated" at the news that his favorite team, the Oilers, just traded Jared Stoll and Matt Greene to the Kings for Lubo Visnovski. The Oilers have been after Visnovski for a long time now and the trade...I'm sorry, this just in...everyone in North America reporting...yes, that Mats Sundin still has not decided if, and/or who he'll play for in the upcoming season. That story, once again...Mats Sundin, totally, completely, undecided.

Who's everyone? Well, this site, your site, TSN, Sportsnet, the entire Sun Media, The Wall Street Journal, Christian Science Monitor, People Espanol. Two Jehovah's Witnesses came to my door yesterday and kindly left me with a copy of "The Watchtower" magazine. On the cover, right below where it said, "Why You Need To Prepare For Armageddon NOW!" it said, "Sundin: Where's The Big Swede Gonna Go?"

All of those everyone's seem to have a completely speculative answer (The Watchtower's: AK Bars), and the thing we need to remember is that almost all of them are complete bullshit. I'm not saying he won't end up in Montreal or with the Rangers, or for that matter AK Bars, what I mean is when you read the head guy on that site say that his source heard from "Mats' friends" that he's going to Montreal, that's just bullshit. Watch, I'll prove it. Here's one just as valid: My sources tell me that Mats' brother Tommy likes ice cream with his pie. But my other source tells me that Tommy likes his pie with a slice of cheese! Hey, hey, these are just rumors, people. I'm just telling you what I hear. Look, it's boring, but Sundin is waiting. And waiting. Remember? It was the name of his last album:

Great, great, writer Howard Berger bravely waded in to the murky waters himself by informing everyone that his belief was that Mats would sign with Montreal. This was a jesture of solidarity between Berger and the Montreal Limousine and Taxi Drivers Association. Imagine the articles Berger will have after a couple of smoked meats on his way to the Bell Center this year?

Berger: "Just say anything about the Leafs and I'll print it, just like last time".

Limo Driver: "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?"

Berger: "Pure gold, Jean-Guy!"

After a flurry of activity last week surrounding (former) Leaf players, things have gone quiet...perhaps a little too quiet... The (cup) Boards are spare this morning. Let's see what we got:

• General B. only encourages Jared of London's obsession with puns with the titular post "Eye of the Tucker". Thankfully he has some great final, final, parting words for out beloved D.T., including an awesome dream of Darc winning the Cup with Les Penguines. 
• The kindly Navin shows his sensitive side and pays heed to the old adage that if you love something, set it free. Naturally he's talking about Mats and how no matter where Mats goes, Nav will always support and root for him. He also mentions being "tickled" and "Gay Day". So, you know, there's that.
• Moose continues to see what I go through every single day keeping He Score, He Shoot! up and running. It's basically like "Mr. Mom" over there. Right now, he's at home trying to figure out the washing machine while I'm away on business getting hit on by Martin Mull. Just after he made the grilled cheese sandwich with the iron, he wrote his post about how much he needs and misses me, about Mats (big surprise), the new Tampa Bay Cosa Nostra ownership, and, now that he's been traded to L.A., how much Jared Stoll is  going to get. And he doesn't mean money.

To The Comments!

You just know that somewhere, right now, John Ferguson Jr. is paying too much for car insurance. He must be, because he's paid too much for everything else. The aftermath of his regime is one of the Leafs desperately paddling for shore to get a breather, and then see how much money they'll have to shell out for the privilege. Ultimately of course, it's we Leafs fans who end up paying most dearly. Because long after JFJ, Bryan McCabe, Andrew Raycroft, Ed Belfour, etc. etc. are long gone, we'll all still be here hoping that the latest management moves don't threaten our chances of coming in 8th.

The latest cleaver to be juggled is the way that Cliff Fletcher's office is (reportedly) handling the Bryan McCabe negotiations. Ha, did I say negotiations? I meant sharp stick in the eye. McCabe, a long time soldier who signed a contract in good faith (like we all wanted him to at the time), has had the gaul to say he -gasp- loves Toronto and wants to remain a Leaf! Why that son-of-a-bitch!

Regardless of what we think of McCabe, who two years ago was an all-star and a Canadian Olympian, you have to be freaked out at the way the Leafs are (reportedly) telling him that he'd better waive his NTC or begin to go fuck himself come September. I mean, really Cliff? I understand that Fletcher was dead serious when he said that there were to be MAJOR line-up changes in the summer. But this is a serious case of cutting off your nose to spite your face. Coming to Toronto isn't necessarily every free agents dream come true (have you never heard of Columbus, Ohio?), and now the team is (reportedly) embarrassing a respected veteran player (and former player rep). Yeah, great. This'll really help lure in the big fish. If McCabe doesn't want to be traded, and a buy-out is prohibitively expensive, then just bite down and allow him the bounce-back season he's due for. Then try the trade route and get something better for him, or enjoy the return of a great player (reportedly). 

• Moose continues to be the man of the house while Daddy is away by filling in more of the McCabe story. He also writes of Brian Burke's mishandling of the Bertuzzi/Ducks/Anaheim salary cap. Who cares you say? You'll care if he's doing the same as G.M. of the Leafs. ALSO: Please vote on our new poll!
• My bro Nav decided to take a break from looking in his Mom's attic for his old Cito Gaston posters to celebrate Andrew Raycroft's Leaf demise. Let's just say Andrew will look great playing in the Continental League.
• Sean has an idea on how to handle the Sundin dilemma once and for all, because you know who the Leafs #1 center is? Matt Stajan.
  
• Steve suggests the Leafs should perhaps sign a youngster by the name of Hossa. WHA-AAAAAT?!?
• Please have your ticket ready and proceed in an orderly fashion here to see just how bad "The Love Guru" really is.

To The Comments!

The road to Hell is paved with the best of intentions, and in the case of EX-Leaf Darcy Tucker, that means a certain well meaning blunder on his part will lead him right into the Calgary Flames dressing room.

Darcy's (im)perfect folly was in taking the much fabled, rarely seen "Hometown Discount" when he negotiated a new contract with JFJ a year and a half ago. By doing something we all wish more players would do; take a little less to stay and help the team financially, Darc effectively gave future GM Cliff "Thousand Yard Stare" Fletcher the rope he'd need to hang him. It's kind of like in movies about time travel where you're not supposed to touch or do anything in the past that might adversely affect your future. Well, let's just say that by making that deal in the past, Darcy Tucker stopped his mom and dad from kissing at the dance.

By taking less, Darc made himself easier to buyout. The Leafs could stomach eating his contract cap hit. If he'd gotten his full value (remember this was after he had gone74/28/33/61 in 05/06, sending every single cross-crease pass someone named Kyle sent over to him into the net) he'd have been too expensive to buyout, and Fletcher would have picked on someone else. Need proof? Sure. Its name is      B. McCabe.

• Still on Tucker, Moose continues to indulge himself during "Moose Week" by offering some great, bi-partisan perspective on the Leafs, Fletcher, the buyouts, the lot. I'll let Moose have his fun for now, but when I get home my crystal egg better be on the mantel where it belongs!
• At Down Goes Brown, Sean brightens our morning with a nightmare scenario involving Jason Blake. He then threatens to hurt himself. Someone in the Ottawa area please call Kids Help Phone.
• Steve writes the Wellwood now lives in B.C. story so you don't have to. Great, Kyle now lives in Vancouver. As if he didn't get the munchies enough already.
• Now we know where every female blogger/reader in North America hangs out. They're at Wrap Around Curl and I Mean, We Got Guys..., and not because Jared of London is practicing nunchuks without his shirt. It's because my lovelies Heather and Jenn have broken the mold yet again and unveiled phase 2 of their online photo poll "Hottie Hockey Dreamy Team". Last week was goalies, this week, it's defensemen. Next week, it'll be Leafs Bloggers. Oh my God, can you imagine?
• General Borschevsky starts his post on Raycroft using alliteration, and it's all uphill from there.

To the comments!

As all of you tore into your Meuslix this morning, your better halves sat across from you reading a story in the Globe and Mail in which intrepid cub reporter Dave "The Hammer" Shoalts reported that Cliff Fletcher will not be offering the-fluff-you-blow-off-a-dandelion Kyle Wellwood a new contract. This means that Kyle will not be pulling on a Leafs sweater (size XXXL) any more.

If I was the type of pretentious, self important dick who used phrases like "this corner" when talking about his blog, I would tell you that I demanded predicted Wellwood's Leaf demise on my  "this corner", He Score, He Shoot on March the 18th. I'll say now what I said then: that Wellwood is a metaphor for everything the Leafs have become: Soft, listless and uninspired. Kyle has become so easy to beat, he's a one man Washington Generals. Cliff Fletcher has seen this, and has decided not to not do something about it.

I've had many a debate about Kyle on HS/HS, primarily with Welly #1 Fan Navin from Sports and the City. The point he and others made was always, "sure he's soft, but he's the only one on the Leafs with any appriciable skill!" That's debatable, but for the sake of this arguement lets say it's true. Kyle does have skill. Loads of it. He could be a great hockey player, but he won't be because he has no heart. He's been in the league long enough to figure out what it means to be a professional hockey player. What it means to be a Leaf. And I'm sorry, I've never seen anything to suggest otherwise. Take stock of all the Leafs we love and admire. Mats, Darcy, Gilmour, Wendel, Valk. No wait, not that last guy, but ask yourself, above their level of skill, what made them so awesome? You know the answer. In the end, I'd take a team of plodding lions over a bunch of soft, lazy (potential) stars any day.

Speaking of someone we love, there must be something about Sweden that makes you   take   life   at   a   much   slower   pace   than   the   rest   of   the   world   because our Mats is doing to Bob Gainey what he did to JFJ last year. That is, taking his God damn time making a decision about the who, what, where, when and how he'll spend the next year of his life. Not that I give a shit about Gainey, whose life is led in Super Slo-Mo himself, but it affects us all because we, you know, care about the implications of  Sundin's decision to maybe leave. For instance you have to figure out, like, do I call him "a traitorous selfish asshole" or do I say, "thanks a lot for all those draft picks you got us at the trade deadline, no wait, that never happened" etc.

• Here's the Shoalts article from the Globe 
• Here is Nav's impassioned rebuttal to everything I just wrote. 
• And, as usual, Steve refuses to write lazy, and sees the 2008 Leafs draft for the success it was.
• Do yourself a favor today and do two things: 1) Give someone a hug, and 2) Go visit the good General and vote in his "Least Memorable" poll. I voted for...that guy.
  
• And finally, Moose says that he thinks that the lesser talented Leafs will excel after bossman Sundin's gone, which is exactly what he's doing while I'm away! Good for you, Big Guy!