The Twin Cities have never been fertile recruiting territory for  the Syracuse  Orange but the team has just obtained its first signee from the Sodom -Gomorrah area. It's 6'6" tight end George Michael who hails from the bedroom community of Sodom and plays for the St. Liberace High  "Golden Showers".  Known for his soft hands, Michael was last year's recipient of the" Richard Gere Silver Gerble", which is awarded to the best end in Sodom and Gomorrah. Michael started his career as a quarterback but did not perform well under center.

In last year's area championship against public school champ, Marquis DeSade Central , Michael was all over the field and gave  "The Purple Perverts" a good beating. He was particularly effective running the fly pattern and scored often despite being  covered in a  tight man to man defense. Marv Albert, who broadcast the game on station WHIP, said he's never seen anyone "move the chains" like Michael.

Monsignor Roman Polanski, principal of  St. Liberace ("Where No Child's Behind Is Left Behind), says Michael is an honor student who is fluent in both French and Greek and should have no problem qualifying.  Like most Sodomites, he wants to go in to teaching. "He comes from good stock. His father was drafted by the Expos while his mother served as social secretary to former governor, Eliot Spitzer" says Polanski.

Syracuse head coach, Doug Marrone, thinks that Michael will fit in real well in Syracuse, "Where Men Are Men; And So Are A lot Of The Women"." His arrest record is clear" says Marrone, " And the only blot on his driver's license is making a ewe turn."

 As opposed to "The  Express", "The Local" tells the story of a long, bumpy ride that eventually gets you where you want to go.  The screenplay, written by me, is in the process of being cast. Former Senator John Edwards, despite his repeated denials, has been cast as JB's father.  The late actor, Dom DeLuise, was picked as Bernie Fine but he turned it down because he wanted a speaking role. But Stevie Wonder has accepted the part as referee Tim Higgins.  Rin Tin Tin will be Higgin's seeing eye dog.

Angelina Jolie will portray Julie Boeheim but only if her 24 children can sweep the floor during time outs. Social activist, Rev. Al Sharpton, has taken the part of JB's nose. He will picket constantly. Kenneth, the NBC page on "30 Rock" has the role of Mike Hopkins while Conan O'Brien is cast as former DePaul coach, Jerry Wainwright.  Both were fired during the season.

F.B.I. Director Robert Muellar is in the role of Connecticut head coach Jim Calhoun due to Muellar's extensive knowledge of the UConn program. Tiger Woods plays Rick Pitino who plays Bill Clinton.  No explanations needed. Draft beer at the Dome will be played by horse urine. In a controversial move, Dolph Schayes, possibly the greatest Jewish ballplayer of all time, will be portrayed by Mel Gibson. Dick Cheney has been cast as Andy Rautins due to his shooting ability. Filming will be in Baghdad and Kabul to simulate Downtown Syracuse and Destiny.

Rony Seikaly's swimsuit model wife will play herself while I portray Rony.  The lurid sex scenes are vital to the plot and I want to make sure they're done properly. Spike Lee will shave his head and play those two Dome domes, Rob Murphy and Dr. Gross. All contestant's from NBC's "The Biggest Loser" will represent the Rutgers team.

The biggest problem has been casting the actor to play JB. Woody Allen is too short.  Bill Gates has too much hair and nobody knows where Waldo is. I'm open for suggestions.

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