This is quite simple really. No matter how bad Capps is, he does seem to be durable. Given the rate that closers are getting hurt/suck, which Ryan apparently foresaw, Capps' trade value is skyrocketing. The genius part of TR's plan was that he delibarately put a crappy team out there to minimize the amount of high-pressure situations Matty would appear in.

In all seriousness, there is a looonnng list of contenders that will be needing late-inning relief help, and while I wouldn't in my wildest dreams expect to get Wilson Ramos back, I am optimistic that the Twins will get someone as good or better than a supplemental first round pick.

The recently concluded Twins season played out remarkably similar to the movie "Aliens."  Let me enumerate some of the parallels:

You had a woefully inept "Lieutenant" put in charge of a multi-billion dollar spacecraft.  Seriously, I don't think the U.S. Navy has anyone under the rank of Captain in charge of anything bigger than a speedboat, but in the near future, the government is going to send a very expensive craft into deep space with the highest ranking officer being a wet-behind the ears LT?  I wouldn't be surprised if the actor who played Lt. Gorman in the movie actually is Bill Smith.

 Smith is also represented in the movie by the delightfully smarmy company man played by Paul Reiser.  (Don't even embedded reporters wear battle fatigues?  Who wears a coat and tie into outer space?)  At any rate,  Reiser's character is more concerned with the company's investment than actually winning a battle, and trades away the platoons best shortsto, er sniper before the mission even begins.  Later he is seen trying to intentionally strain an oblique of one of the soldiers, as a sort of experiment.

In the movie, their mission was to save a multitrillionbazillion dollar outpost on a remote planet with bad weather.  Apparently, given enough time, they were going to 'reprocess' the atmosphere and make it a habitable planet.  Wouldn't a giant retractable roof have been cheaper?  (non sequitar--here's a new saying to replace the phrase "rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic."  How about this--"Chopping the trees down at Target field."

You had the classic sergeant in the role of Gardy--"O.k. people, you heard the man, I wanna see a**holes and elbows!  Git after it!  I need some grit!."

Like private Hudson, who wasn't the best soldier in the platoon, but managed to somehow stick around most of the movie, you have Kevin Slowey, whom I'm sure is up to date on world affairs--"Game over man, game over.  I don't know if you're keeping up on current events, but we just got our ass kicked.  Also, I don't pitch out of the bullpen."

Another character to survive most of the movie is Vasquez, who doesn't say much, but when she does, it packs a punch--"Ever been mistaken for a man, Vasquez?"  "No.  Have you?"  Shave Kubel's beard and you've got Vasquez.

In the movie, the little girl Newt somehow managed to survive despite a lack of any offensive capabilities.  She did, however, play great defense.  Likewise, Drew Butera.

Newt is captured towards the end of the movie, which really pissed of Ripley.  She duct tapes a flamethrower to an assault rifle, shaves her goatee, and rescues Newt.

Bishop is a 'synthetic,'  not really human, devoid of any emotion, but he plays a position of need.  I presume it costs around $160 million dollars to manufacture one of these guys.

Of course, most of the platoon gets killed off/impregnated with alien eggs/concussed early in the film, including some of their best operatives.  This was a result of Lt. Gorman sending them into a hostile environment armed only with shotguns, which are the epitome of pitch to contact weapons, and flamethrowers that had very little movement and were drastically inaccurate.  I believe one of the characters also had a whiffle ball bat.

And finally you had Corporal Hicks, who is thrust into a leadership role.  He looks a lot like Cuddy, and he uttered the words that summarize my offseason blueprint after the jump:

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The first installment of the trilogy was met with guarded optimism (although there was some concern about certain casting decisions, i.e. Nishioka as a Hobbit).  Unfortunately, LOTR II was both a critical and box office flop.  Consequently, the studio has put production of the third installment--The Return of the (Championship) Ring on indefinite hold.  While no decisions have been made yet, it seems as if everyone involved in the movie is on shaky ground, most notably the Producer.  Changing Directors may even be considered, although Peter Jackson is currently unavailable.

Still, quite a few of the events prophecied in the books have come true.  I've also reconsidered a few of my interpretations and revised them accordingly.  More after the jump.

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Just as the Twins were sinking to new depths of suckiness, and as Roger put the finishing touches on his new Friday through Thursday Minors report, all Twins affiliates managed to win, some twice.  There were several remarkable performances, topped by Tom Stuifbergen winning two games in one day for two different affiliates.  Not sure how he did it, but tip of the cap to someone who just put there name in the running for the 2012 rotation.  At any rate, it was such a bad week for the Twins and such a good night for the affiliates that I wanted to share some positive news--definitely not trying to take over for Roger.

Since I don't have Roger or Seth's connections, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that Tom (The Flyballing Dutchman) was scheduled to start for Ft. Myers but got bumped to Rochester when Diamond got moved up.  Whomever replaced Tom in Ft. Myers didn't get credit in the box score.

More good stuff after the jump.

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The Twins may not have a great track record of developing MI's*, or strikeout pitchers**, or 3Bers, or catchers not named Mauer.  But one thing they have historically done well is develop centerfielders, dating at least back to Kirby Puckett.  If Revere was at AAA, and Hicks was at Beloit, the Twins would have top prospects/players at every affiliate (not sure about the GCL or DSL.)

How do those prospects stack up, both comparably, and historically?  Let's find out.

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Things seem to be going almost exactly as J.R.R. Tolkien predicted.  Our little band of heroes was severely beaten down in Moria and almost succumbed at Helm's Deep, but Gandalf's epic return has brought new hope, and although Frodo is still far from destroying the Ring, he did make the All-Star game, so hope remains.  

Details after the jump.

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The Stat-Nerds have had a lot to say lately, as have the Vultures, so I figured it was time for the Sci-Fi/Fantasy Geeks to weigh in on the current plight of the Twins.

And I've found the best analogy I can come up with isn't Star Wars, Dungeons and Dragons, or Harry Potter.  For the starting nine, the best I can come up with is the Lord of the Rings.

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Viva la revolution!  This could be the spark that turns the tide.  I've been waiting with baited breath, and now my answer has come:  The Twins now have THREE catchers on the 40 Man Roster who can't hit, but at least have fun names to work with in game threads.  But here's the real question:  Is Rene Tosoni French or Italian?  And is Rene Rivera French or Spanish?  Something to stew on this off-day.

http://minnesota.twins.mlb.com/news/press_releases/press_release.jsp?ymd=20110505&content_id=18688428&vkey=pr_min&fext=.jsp&c_id=min

Twas a good baby harp seal season.  The market for furs has been hot in Belorus; and to a lesser extent Mother Russia herself.  Been out of the loop, as they say, and I need to get myself back up to speed quick-like.

From what I've gathered, the Tigers and Sox have sucked, so I assume the Twins have a healthy lead in the central.  Good, good.  All well and good.  Here's what else I've heard through the telegraph...

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Jesse put a post up on the TT top IF prospects and it got me thinking.  The Twins seem to take a lot of criticism for not 'developing' elite infielders.  But how easy is it to do?  It seems like most of the real elite infielders were either:

• highly-drafted, polished college athletes, or
• once in a lifetime guys like Alex Rodriguez.

The third factor, and the push behind this post...

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If you could somehow blend the two of them into one player, this probably wouldn't be necessary.  You'd have a speedy, switch-hitting centerfielder with a rocket arm, good pop, and one hell of an endearing personality.  And he'd be what, 25 years old?

But you can't.  I don't think anybody really hates these guys, but you see a lot of comments that tend towards negativity.  For Cuddyer it seems to hinge on the size of his contract, and for Revere on his lack of all five tools.  After the jump I'll attempt to defend these guys using a combination of completely subjective observations, unresearched stats, and laughably horrible comparisons.  Please don't hesitate to call me out--or support me if you feel like it.

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Did you see that tonight?  Beer out my nose onto my keyboard fall out my chair funny--BOMOMKFOMCF!  Lisa Simpson=Joe Girardi.  And those four guys at Moe's--I'm sure one of them was Gleeman.  Plus, you know how cartoon's like the Simpson's always throw in stuff you can barely see like the stuff that Bart is always writing on the blackboard--well I swear those four guys had nametags that read "WWJJHD?"  

I was watching a NL playoff game one day (because that's all we get on regular tv--how does Fox NOT have the AL playoffs?) and between half-innings I'd click down a half-channel and one of the secondary digital stations was showing "Star Trek III--the Search for Spock."  Of course the first thing that jumped into my head was a Seinfeld reference. Kramer:  "I know, I know, Jerry will tell you that the Wrath of Kahn is the better picture...yada yada yada."

The second thing that occurred to me was that the Twins last two seasons could be aptly described by Star Trek movie subtitles:  Star Trek II--The Wrath of Kahn becomes Twins Playoff II (in the 21st century) the Wrath of NathAhn.  (I picture him spinning in circles out on the pitchers mound, staring straight up at the camera, yelling "Yankees!!!!!!!"  Or, "My armmmm!!!!!!"

Then you have last year, Twins Trek III--The Search for Doc (Morneau, thanks Batgirl).  So of course, next year, Twins Playoff Trek IV is the Final Frontier--getting out of the ALDS.  (Of course, if they expand the playoffs, it could set the whole thing back a notch.

At any rate, once I made the mind-meld between Twins Baseball and Trekkie Geekery, it didn't take me long to come up with my offseason plan:  Eliminate the Red-Shirts.  Remember in every episode Kirk would leave the Enterprise manned by some underling, Transport down to the surface with Spock and Bones and a couple of dudes in red shirts, and the dudes in red shirts would get eliminated pretty quick?  Well, the Twins aren't getting rid of the main cast anytime soon, but I think their are auditions on hand for the red shirt guys.  

So just who are the red shirt guys, and who are the Main Cast?  Read all about it after the jump...

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I noticed that Captain Hadley is pitching for the Yankees today.  In the stat preview picture, he even has that what me shit eating grin that he had when the police showed up at the ballpark/pen to arrest him.  As if to say, I admitted I did drugs, so what the heck is this all about?  Never mind that his arm would have fallen off many playoff victories ago if not for the fact that he illegally regrew his ligaments several years ago.  And though Captain Hadley has thrashed and beat our boys for years and years, every bully has his day of reckoning...

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I know it's water under the bridge, but this move by the Mariners is exactly what I was hoping the Twins would do.  Well not exactly--I was hoping they would get Halladay.  If he would have signed the same deal with the Twins would that have possibly worked?

Really though, I am just curious who the Twins could've given up to get Lee.  I read up on the three prospects the Mariners surrendered, and here are my comps.

Aumont-Burnett.  Aumont seems sexier and throws harder, but has durability and strikezone questions

Gillies(?)--Revere  Real similar players; Gillies has a good arm apparently

The other guy--Bromberg  Bromberg is better than the guy they gave up, but perhaps the other guy has more upside.

Anyway, would one year of Lee be worth Revere, Burnett, and Bromberg, and are those realistic comps?

I kind of got lost in a digression about Dungeons and Dragons in Part I.  I admit, my Nerd Scale does go to 11.  But that was kind of  my point--here you have a game where a bunch of jocks hit a little ball with a stick chopped down from some tree by some other jock, and another jock tries to catch the ball with a chunk of cow flesh chopped off a dead cow carcass that had been raised by the ultimate jock, the American Cowboy.  And more often than not, the we the fans end up sounding like a bunch of nerds, bandying about statistics.  I mean, it's probably redundant, but you've all seen the Seinfeld episode, right?  Where George is unemployed, and he says, "I like baseball..." and Jerry says "they usually give those jobs to ex-baseball players."  But in TV land George gets the job anyway, and the Yankees lose because he makes them where cotton uniforms that have shrunk.  (One can only hope there is another George Costanza making his way up the Yankee chain of command.  It took them years to erase his mistakes.)  But by and large we're all Costanza's, and if we actually had to run a team like the Twins, we'd botch it up way worse than Smith and Gardenhire.

Seriously, the mathematical brainpower I've seen devoted to breaking down baseball statistics on Twins fansites alone could probably break the cold-fusion code, with plenty of room left over for some significant advances in time travel as well.  Which would be more productive than debating the relative merits of Brian Dinkelman vs. Steve Tolleson, because then the Twins could go back in time and really fleece the Mets.  Moreon RISK  below.

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I, shall we say, "enjoy" the stat side of baseball.  I liked math and science in school, but ultimately got a degree in English.  I realize stats are a very real part of the game, but for me there is poetry as well.  Attempting to reduce everything to some quantifiable stat kind of wears me out.

I suppose I just haven't looked hard enough, but since the end of Batgirl, Twins bloggers with a more artistic point of view seem to be few and far between, with, perhaps, the exception of Howard Sinker.  TwinkieTown does have some fantastic content though, and I truly enjoy visiting.  After the jump, I will attempt to show how baseball is like the game of RISK (although it seems some would prefer to compare it to Dungeons and Dragons; more on that later.)  If you have never played RISK, you probably don't need to bother reading on.

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