SB Nation User Blog: Hap Glaudi's Ghost

Friday Football Hatefest!

Hap Glaudi's Ghost — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 23:38:08 -0000

Oh, football. Thank God you have returned. Now my work week can be filled with hate-filled emails among my friends and I can waste countless hours on my fantasy team. I'll be surprised if I get any work done until January. This column will be a look ahead at NFC South games and whatever else NFL-wise that interests me; mostly filled with hate but not always.

Wasn't it awesome when all those teams crap-canned their offensive coordinators right before the season started? Best part: Saints get to play two of the teams! Tampa fired Jeff Jagodzinski apparently because he didn't have a clue as to how to actually install an NFL offense. Tampa is going to be a car fire. Raheem Morris botched his most important hire as head coach. The Bucs actually have some talent and I fully expect the Glazer family to correct this disaster after the season. Until then, let's all enjoy the suck. The only downside is going to be having to listen to Cowboy fans run their fat mouths after the Boys destroy Tampa. Grgh.

Tampa and Buffalo are going to be in a steel cage death match to win the 2009 Fantasy Football Black Hole Award. The Fantasy Football black hole is where decent fantasy players get swallowed up and disappear into a pool of raw sewage never to be heard from again. Buffalo also told Turk Schonert to take the no huddle offense to Canada or something. The funniest thing about this was Schonert ripping Bills coach Dick Jauron after the firing. Schonert said Jauron kept telling him to simplify the offense. "He wants a 'Pop Warner' offense," Schonert said. "He limited me in formations, and limited me in plays. He's been on my back all offseason." Dude, if your boss tells you to do something for months on end and you don't do it...you get axed. The upside for the Saints...the Bills will now have a playbook about as deep as Super Tecmo Bowl. T.O. might go on a killing spree in upstate New York by Week 5. Joy.

Kansas City also fired their offensive coordinator but the Saints don't play the Chiefs and I don't have any of their players on my fantasy team so I don't give a crap! I'm honest.

Ok, now on to what we really care about: The Detroit Lions at the New Orleans Saints. The Saints get the added bonus of having Charles Grant and Will Smith. I fully expect the Saints to throttle Detroit. How can a team go 0-16 and not fire everyone in the building? Jesus. I guess they'll be better since Jim Schwartz isn't functionally challenged like Rod Marinelli. Still, they didn't change the roster too much from last year and they only had four games decided by less than a TD last season. Only Tennessee beat the Lions worse then the Saints did last year. Think about that. Sure the Saints played Detroit at the end when the Lions were already resigned to the defeated season but I re-watched the game for fun and the Saints could have scored sixty points. I swear to God.

I predict the Saints will look fantastic and the national media will completely ignore it. Oh and there will be a fantasy stampede for Mike Bell after he has a huge game because Pierre Thomas and Reggie Bush only get limited touches. Saints 49-17

Atlanta Falcons at Miami Dolphins: My prediction is that the Falcons start 0-3. They open with the Fish, then Carolina, then at New England. I guess Matt Ryan might not be going to Canton. Dolphins 28-17.

Philadelphia Eagles at Carolina Panthers: Let's all laugh as Jake continues the Panthers crappy preseason right into games that count! Steve Smith is going to punch someone in the face really soon! Eagles 21-18.

Dallas Cowboys at Tampa Bay Bucanneers: I actually think the Bucs will fight their ass off for three quarters but if you don't score you can't win. Cowboys 21-3.

It's finally here! Yes...

Saints video to make you appreciate Bobby Hebert

Twenty years ago the Saints opened the 1989 against the Dallas Cowboys. It was the dawn of the Jimmy Johnson/Jerry Jones era. Going off this performance you might think it was still born. The Cowboys were just beginning their 1-15 journey. Bobby Hebert started the game going 8 for 9, Dalton had a TD run and the Saints had scoring drives of ten and eight minutes in the first half. It was the classic Jim Mora team beat down. Like a barracuda squeezing the life out of its prey. Some guy named Derrick Shepard even ran a punt back to close out the first half. The 2009 Lions remind me a lot of the 1989 Cowboys...except there won't be three Super Bowls in the Lions' future.

Epic Fail 2009 NFC South Edition

Hap Glaudi's Ghost — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 23:51:22 -0000

"It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail." - Gore Vidal.

Of course we all want the Saints to be awesomely awesome this year. After watching them behead the Oakland Raiders, clearly a Super Bowl is coming. In order for this to happen, however, other teams need to struggle, stink, have general incompetence or be coached by Josh McDaniels.

I want any team from the NFC not named the Saints to fail miserably.

There, I said it. Of course, wishing all teams except the Saints to suffer massive injury would make this column really short and could bring karmic retribution. But if Steve Smith went missing for 6-8 weeks because aliens may or may not have abducted him, I wouldn't lose any sleep. So instead of a standard NFL preview with predictions that will surely be wrong, I give you Epic Fail NFC South: A look at ways all the NFC South teams could run head long into disaster which we, as Saints fans, would surely enjoy.

Atlanta Falcons

Damnit. I thought Michael Vick going to the can was going to set Atlanta back until 2015. I was all ready to enjoy watching the Saints play in a half empty Georgia Dome and slaughter the Falcons as all six of their fans pined for the good old days of Jim Mora, Jr. and Michael Vick. Then they lucked into Matt Ryan. Maybe Ryan could be caught running an illegal underage dwarf sex ring out of his house. The FBI should at least look into it and leak the details to Mike Florio at Pro Football Talk. Or maybe their coach, Anderson Cooper, could lose sixty pounds and go back to hosting that show on CNN nobody watches.

I hate the Falcons so much.

The only thing worse than the Saints not winning is the Falcons being successful. It's like finding out that your mortal enemy is doing really well, has a great job and you have to see him or her every week. Nauseating. Matt Ryan is going to the Hall of Fame, curing cancer, and fixing health care according to Peter King. Hey moron - Ryan threw sixteen touchdowns last year!! He handed off to Michael Turner over 300 times and stunk down the stretch. Matty Ice - you should keep that up for 2009. And John Abraham should go back to only playing once a month like he wants to. That way the Falcon defense can fail...epically.

Carolina Panthers

I know I should hate Carolina, but I don't. I save all my Carolina hate purely for Steve Smith. What the Saints really need is Smith to fail in 2009. He could punch a teammate - Jake Delhomme - or even a nun. I don't care. We just need him unhappy. The best way to insure a Carolina epic fail is to have Jake build off his tremendous playoff game against Arizona and start 2009 like he finished 2008. Since the Panthers' first three games are against the Eagles, Falcons, and Cowboys, it just might happen.

I was listening to WWLTV.com's Ralph Malbrough's podcast and he made a rare good point when talking about Delhomme. By the way, the show would be really good if Dave would tell Ralph to shut the hell up. That guy's voice is terrible. He sounds like his balls got chopped off and he's got a cold. Charming. Anyway, Ralph said that Delhomme's playoff performance was like a guy cheating on his wife: She might forgive him but she never forgets and the first time he looks at another woman, the memory comes right on back. If Jake can suck early in the year, the fans will turn on him as his six-turnover opus flashes in front of their eyes. And it will be glorious. Epic Fail!

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

You might say we need not wish the Bucs Epic Fail because they can do it on their own. Maybe. They hired a 12-year-old coach, have a sacktastic QB, and are breaking out the creamsicle pirate uniforms. Throw in a brutal first half schedule and Tampa seems right on track to suck. Hard. The thing is: They have a really good, young offensive line, and nice stable of running backs. They might play close games, win a few, then start believing they are actually good. What they need to do is play that 10-year-old quarterback, Josh Freeman. He's the second coming of Akili Smith. He needs snaps immediately. No sense wasting time, Tampa. Get to it. Their new coach will be like Mike Tomlin of the Steelers, minus the winning.

For the Saints to win, others must fail. They just need to get to it already.

Hate Fest 2009

Hap Glaudi's Ghost — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 01:23:22 -0000

Oh, you probably thought I was gone or perhaps Dave sent me away and you would never have to deal with my angry female Saints fan rants again. Not even. I just took a little break from writing because my bosses at work expect me to do actual work and really what can you write about during mini-camps anyway besides, "New defense looks awesome in shorts!"; "Drew Brees still sexy as hell and $#%^& awesome!"

Yawn.

So now I'm back and once training camp starts there will be plenty more chances for you to say how much you loathe me. Fantastic right? This brings me to my topic this week: Hate.

Sure, pretty soon you'll be reading about storylines to watch during camp or five breakout players for 2009. I have my own list: Possible players/Saints coaches that by the end of 2009 we'll hate so much we'll wish they'd go missing, die or get traded to the Lions because of all the pain they'll inflict upon us during the upcoming season. This list doesn't mean I think 2009 will suck but there will be at least one or two Saints players/coaches whose craptastic play we'll be going crazy over, even if the Saints have an awesome season. Does Fred Thomas in 2006 ring a bell? Let's dive right in and see who we might hate come the fall.

#7 Gregg Williams

He's the answer! He's going to make the defense aggressive and it's going to be attack, attack, attack! Or instead of sacks and interceptions, it will be 75-yard touchdown bombs and the Saints will be back to needing to score 40 points to win games. The double G will stand for "Get Gone."

#6 Mark Brunell and Joey Harrington

These guys make the list only because if something happens to Brees we'll take all our frustration out on these two clowns and every time they suck we'll think of how the Brees injury ruined the season and our Sundays. Just the thought of Joey taking an actual snap in a game where the Saints aren't up 42-0 gives me a seizure. If either of these guys plays more than a handful of plays the season is done and by December our hate will grow so large and powerful it might threaten civilization as we know it. I don't even like talking about Piano Joey or 80-year-old Mark actually playing. Let's move on before I get so sad I eat a cheesecake or something.

#5 Jason Kyle and Kevin Houser

Before Houser went and torched his Saints career by being the point man for a Ponzi Scheme...(cough cough)...I mean tax credit investments...he went nine years without screwing up a long snap. The second after Jason Kyle #$#@% up either a Saints field goal or punt snap for the first time this decade you'll be cursing Kyle, Houser, Louisiana Film Studios and Sean Payton for letting this mess happen in the first place. I will personally blame Houser only and he'll move to #1 on the all time list if the snap screw-up happens during a playoff game. Dear God this scenario seems like it's inevitable. If the Saints need a field goal to win a huge game you know this exact thing will cross your mind. See, don't you hate Houser just a little more now?

#4 Reggie Bush

Sure, you don't hate him now, but if the Saints are 8-6 and Pierre Thomas is blowing up while Bush starts bitching about his touches, you'll tell him to go to the bathroom and touch himself. Or if he gets injured yet again we all may decide to be done with Reggie.

#3 Darren Sharper

He's all new, cute, cuddly and shiny now but don't think you can't learn to hate him just like you did Josh Bullocks,Kevin Kaesviharn, and Roman Harper. Oh, look Steve Smith just caught another 50-yard bomb on third and 25! I guess Darren Sharper isn't a savvy veteran but a washed up old man who needs to be put in a home. You might even start to miss Josh Bullocks. Ok maybe not.

#2 Jeremy Shockey

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Not if you go another season without catching a touchdown! If the Saints don't win big and Jeremy isn't catching a ton of balls, expect him to meltdown. It's what he does. Of course Brees will put him in his place but listening to Shockey mouth off every week will get old, especially if the Saints are fighting for a playoff spot. Someone please explain why exactly we needed "Mr. Can't Drink While Poolside" again?

#1 Sean Payton

That NFC title game season is getting harder to remember, Sean. Let Payton get cute late in a key game and have it go "Boom goes the Dynamite" and suddenly we'll hate him. Three years with Drew Brees and no playoffs and I'll organize "Payton Hate Fest 2010." I'll be the chairwoman. I'll make signs and start a Facebook page and tweet till my thumbs fall off.

Saints video to make you wish that opening Sunday would get here already!

After such a hate-filled, negative column I want to leave you with some chills. This is the CBS opening to the Saints-Vikings playoff game from 1987. Oh sure, it ended badly but if Jimmy the Greek interviewing Al Hirt and Pat Summerall voicing over the intro during the classic CBS music doesn't fire you up then you have no soul. Oh, and watch CBS flash the stat (At the 7:43 mark) that in 1987 the Saints blocked eight kicks. Are you #@$% serious!? That's a kick every other week. And they scored on seven of them! If a team did that this year ESPN would devote an Outside the Lines to figure out how. Just forget the ending and enjoy!

New Orleans Saints Media Coverage is a Rotting Fish

Hap Glaudi's Ghost — Mon, 18 May 2009 18:03:18 -0000

I’ll just begin by saying my sadness last week about Stanley Arnoux’s injury is gone. It’s replaced by anger. WWL 870am told Gus Kattengell to sleep with the fishes. So now we’ll have one less decent reporter covering the Saints.

Fantastic.

Media coverage of the Saints just continues to circle the bowl. I understand that 870am is in the last year of their contract with the Saints and have basically stopped saying, reporting or even thinking anything critical of the Saints in hopes of signing another contract. Hey, I’m all about self-preservation too so I get why they do what they do. I mean, if WWL 870am didn’t carry Saints games would you have any reason to listen at all? I’ll be completely honest, the only show on 870am I listen to is Monday night during the season because I like Mike Detillier and even he didn’t seem to hammer the Saints too hard last year. Hell, he didn’t even report any inside info after Drew Brees and Jeremy Shockey got into it when Atlanta housed the Saints. Something he used to do all the time when Buddy D was around. I think Deke Bellavia should just get it over with and wear a Saintsation outfit to Sean Payton’s Monday press conferences (or maybe not).

Now I know most of you don’t care about the media being hard on the Saints. I do. Maybe the whole "Kenny Wilkerson thing" has the media scared that they’ll be next. Jeff Duncan says the Saints got calls from teams wanting Randall Gay. Oh really? Then why was that not reported ANYWHERE ELSE? When I googled ‘Randall Gay trade rumors’ I got nothing else. Seriously, teams were calling about Gay but PFT, National Football Post, ESPN, SI, and every other football website never saw fit to at least post it as well? Jeff - if Mickey Loomis tells you he can fly, will you just report that as fact too?

The media just regurgitates whatever the Saints tell them and it pisses me off. Since the Saints started 6-1 in 2006 they are 19-22 in the two-and-a-half years since. Shouldn’t Sean Payton’s ass be on the line? Shouldn’t there be at least one media personality that busts the Saints balls on a daily basis? Entercom, who owns WWL, is in the crap hole so Kattengell getting the boot was probably about money and nothing else. He never ruffled any feathers at Saints camp but how can the flagship station not have a reporter assigned to cover the Saints daily? Sure they’ll send some intern out there to collect sound and interview players but shouldn’t "The Station of the Saints" have a higher standard? I’d like to think so.

Maybe it doesn’t really matter because probably fairly soon (like next year) Benson will buy a radio station and just put the Saints games on that station. Then the Saints will have a radio station to be their mouth piece 24/7/365. What will the Times Picayune sports staff have to do then? Let’s all hope the Saints go 14-2, because if they struggle and we start asking questions about what is going on, we know no one appears to have the courage to ask Sean Payton and company tough questions. The Saints wouldn’t answer them anyways.

If the Saints control all the information we get and they control the media that covers them it makes following the team less fun. Perhaps I should just follow the Times-Pic’s lead and not question anything. Everything’s fine, nothing to see here, move along, Black and Gold Super Bowl….

Saints Video to get you to buy that Reggie Bush Fat Head

Fifteen years ago the Saints traded for Jim Everett and I nearly lost my freaking mind. We just traded for ‘Chris’ Everett? What was Jim Mora thinking? Everyone was down in the dumps...then Jim Everett attempted to go Ike Turner on Jim Rome. Glorious! If this happened today I think the internet would go to Defcon 5, it would lead PTI, and Skip Bayless' face would melt like the nazi in Indiana Jones. Two of those would be pretty sweet. Suddenly I was like, “Hell yeah! Maybe this guy ain’t so bad. I like guys who don’t take crap (Bad ass guys are sexy, Anderson Cooper-like guys give me a headache). By kicking a pre-pubescent Jim Rome, Everett actually gained Saints fans' love. And he wasn’t bad by Saints QB standards. This video is like a great wine...time makes it better.

Email The Ghost at hapglaudisghost@live.com

Counting on Dan Morgan Scares the Crap Out of Me. An Un-Loyal Saints Fan and Proud of it.

Hap Glaudi's Ghost — Mon, 11 May 2009 23:13:14 -0000

Yes, the flaming car crash that a fair amount of you believe this column to be is back. The cat-loving, foul-mouthed rants will continue. If you are looking for stats, game breakdowns, and hardcore Saints articles Dave and the crew cover that ground and why improve on perfection? My column will always be different. I'm here to push, question, possibly annoy. But mostly try to get you to laugh, think and discuss. So far I'm batting a thousand.

Of course, for my last column the discussion was, "How do we get Ghost to contract a serious disease, get hit by a bus, and most importantly, sleep with the fishes." I felt the love and it was appreciated. Anyway, this week I'm more depressed than Kurt Cobain. When I saw the headline Saints Linebacker out for Season with Achilles Injury my initial thought was, "Dan Morgan injured himself again putting on his pants or maybe eating breakfast?" Sure that sucks but it isn't like Morgan has ever actually played a down in a Saints uniform.

Except it wasn't Morgan. It was rookie Stanley Arnoux! $%^& and #$%%! So now the only talent upgrade the Saints can really count on at linebacker is Dan Morgan and some undrafted rookie free agents.This is a huge problem. Sure Jo-Lonn Dunbar has proven a key special teams guy but I doubt he'll be pushing for serious playing time. Quick, tell me a big play a Saints linebacker made last year who wasn't named Jonathan Vilma? [Cue Jeopardy music!] Scott Fujita's interception against the Bucs and the one in Chicago are all I can think of. Not very comforting, is it? Scott Shanle is just a guy. He is just an average starter. If the Saints had a good pass rush or a decent secondary I'd be fine with Shanle. The Saints as of today have neither of those two things.

Yes, it was probably asking a lot of a rookie fourth round pick to be the answer at outside linebacker but at least Arnoux would have been a possibility. It's like dating. Sure I might go on three crappy dates with guys who will never in a million years be my future husband (no one deserves that fate) but three crappy dates is way better than being home on Saturday night. I'll never find my future ex sitting at home eating ice cream and watching ‘Sex in the City'. Same thing applies to the Saints. They are running out of options to get better linebacker play. Options are key here people. Going into every season I try to predict how the Saints will do by how many questions they have. Serious questions. Not, "Who will be the fifth receiver?" questions.

This year my questions are:

Who will be the Saints short yardage/power back and will he be successful?
Can the Saints create a significant pass rush?
Who will play free safety and will they play well?
Will the linebackers not named Jonathan Vilma be any better?

Every one of those questions I can give you a plausible answer except one.

Question #1 answer: The Saints have six possible options for the power back option. Obviously if you read my first column you know I think the Saints should have done more to address this but they at least have a bunch of different guys to try. I actually really like Herb Donaldson but hey if Thomas can't get it done at the start, try them all. Just don't let P.J. Hill out in the Quarter if he becomes a huge success. Hey P.J., we'll start a Hill drunken taxi fund if you can convert 3rd and short and become a goal line touchdown thief.

Question #2 answer: Gregg Williams might be able to light a fire under Charles Grant and Will Smith and his schemes traditionally land QB's on their butt.

Question #3 answer: Darren Sharper's prime may be so far behind him that he can't even remember when it was but if he is a bust the Saints still have Usama Young and Chip Vaughn to try and solve the problem.

Question #4 answer: If the Saints want to upgrade the outside linebacker spots they have Dan Morgan and who? Mark Simoneau is always getting blown up. Marvin Mitchell and Troy Evans have been around long enough to prove they are not a solution. Nevermind injuries which haven't stopped since the first week of the 2008 season. Now the Saints don't have a solution if the linebackers suck or get injured. Bad. Why do the football gods hate us? Dave, is it time to hire a voodoo priest or sacrifice a goat in the Poydras Street endzone to end the injury plague?

If this post seems less angry, obscene, and tamer it's not because Dave told me to change or get lost. No, I'm definitely a bi-polar Saints fan and injuries just make me sad. I thought it sucked when Tom Brady got injured. I mean we wait all year for football and then players start dropping like pounds off Lindsay Lohan. And for no other reason than bad luck our favorite teams are screwed. Plus, the football season is less interesting when stars get injured. If the Saints are going to suck, I don't want the excuse of injuries. Nothing kills my football buzz like injuries...I'm such a freaking girl. This injury crap needs to stop or I might go on some expletive laced journey that makes poor Dave's head explode.

Comment of the week that drove me to drink, go on a shopping spree and go crazy all at once.

An un-loyal Saints fan and proud of it!

While reading each and every one of the loving, supportive comments from my last article, I began thinking about one of the things that I always find interesting, and that is someone questioning someone else's fandom. What makes a true Saints fan?

This comment got me thinking: "If the Saints make you that mad, and sounds like you're a fan when we win but not when we lose, maybe the Saints are not the team for you. You might need to refrain from buying tickets to a game if you can't take it when they lose and when things don't go your way...Keep the Faith!!!"

Let me say right off the bat that this isn't personal. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and thanks to this reader for inspiring this section. See Dave, I wasn't mean at all so don't tase me bro! Here's the thing though: why do certain fans make loyalty the main condition of how good a fan someone is? I can be a Saints fan however I want. I don't have to like everything they do, agree with every move they make and I don't even have to be rational about it. The mere mention of the name Alex Molden causes me to have flashbacks like some Vietnam Vet. If I'm less of a Saints fan because I lost my head when they took Molden over Eddie George and still haven't gotten over it, then so be it (I personally blame Jim Mora Jr. for convincing Daddy Mora to take Molden so I hate freaking Mora Jr. And now that he coaches the Seahawks I have a perfectly good reason to hate Seattle. I love football and its ability to allow me to hate new things every year).

Nothing drives me crazier than someone railing, "You aren't a true hardcore fan. If you don't support the Saints 100% of the time we don't need you." I think being called a ‘loyal fan' is insulting. ‘You might need to refrain from buying tickets to a game if you can't take it when they lose and when things don't go your way.' Oh really? So I guess I should just have sunshine flying out my butt despite the fact the Saints have had a winning record at home in exactly two of the last ten years? I'm not even loyal to my political party or my job much less a football team. I've had season tickets to the Saints for 20 years and I've seriously considered dropping them twice. Does that not make me a ‘real Saints fan?'

If Benson hadn't canned Ditka I would have dropped. If Mora hadn't quit I would have dropped. The Saints don't have my unconditional financial support. Hell I've openly rooted for them to lose. Yep. And if I deem the conditions right I'll do it again. One of my absolute favorite moments as a fan was watching Detroit beat the Saints on Christmas Eve 2005. It was awesome. The Saints needed to lose to have any chance at drafting Reggie Bush. I thought having a chance at Reggie was way better than some meaningless win over the Lions. I can still see Joey Harrington hitting Roy Williams on a fourth down miracle pass. So sweet. Of course I only root against the Saints when they are eliminated from playoff contention and I feel the head coach needs to be unemployed. If the Saints are 6-6 in November this year and you think Sean Payton needs to go coach Tulane, knock yourself out rooting for a train wreck.

I'll be honest, if I grew up in the 1970's I might not be a Saints fan. They were like a rotting fish: bad owner, crappy coaches, and horrible players. They had Archie but that was it. If I was currently a Raider fan I don't know if I could stand it. To know you have no hope until Al Davis dies must suck. Either get a new team or root for the old man to keel over are not appealing choices are they? My gosh, it makes me almost feel sorry for Raider fans. All sports leagues market loyalty as a badge of honor. If you think it is great, fine. Just don't think it makes you any more special than me just because I ripped my Roman Harper jersey in half after the Chicago game and wanted Gary Gibbs' head on a stick. I love the Saints but if loyalty means watching them suck with a smile on my face and never insulting coaches, players and GM's (Bill Kuharich can suck it) then I'm an un-loyal biatch!

This week's Saints video that will keep you buying tickets till 2025

Oh Steve Walsh, you douche and weak armed destroyer of playoff dreams. That the Saints traded a first, second and third round pick for you instead of just signing Bobby Hebert ranks as one of the Saints top five worst moves and that's saying a lot. The Saints, after all, hired a freakin' astronaut as a GM. I'm guessing the Saints could have used those picks to help build an offense to go along with the Dome Patrol. Sometimes I wish I was a man who could just adjust his junk and say "Screw it!" to make me feel better. Saints' screw ups eat at me like a cancer. Anyway, old Steve did lead the Saints to this awesome win over the Goats in 1990 to clinch a playoff spot. Enjoy.