It appears as though Iowa's influence on Asian culture is rapidly spreading. The Hawkeye presence in South Korea has already been well-documented. It all started with the 9-headed sexbeast that is Girl's Generation and their video for OH! If you haven't seen it, it's basically 3 1/2 minutes of spank-bank gold with a gaggle of hot Asian post-teens kissing and squeezing a Hawkeye helmet.

Shortly thereafter, there was the Silver Fins video for a real piece of shit song called "Zooing." It's basically some dude who grew some nifty facial hair, learned to play a "G" and "E" chord repeatedly, wrote 7 total lyrics, went to the zoo with his girlfriend and recorded a video on a five dollar 0.5-megapixel camera. Having said that, he's wearing a Hawkeye t-shirt so it pretty much rules. Here's a picture of him singing to a Korean donkey, which accurately sums up the entire video.

Then we had this guy flying a jet over South Korea with the same Iowa hat my grandpa wore from 1980 to 1992 and a gnarly Stanzified fighter pilot helmet.

With all of that big Korean loving, the adwizards at blackheartgoldshirts released this masterpiece of modern shirtware.

And while that is definitely a picture of Japan on the t-shirt, it turns out to be a nice segue.

A co-worker of mine recently took his second trip to Japan. Now this guy sits 5 feet away from me and so he has to hear all of my "Hawkeye bullshit" all year long. It should be noted that I live in Colorado, so that's like some asshole at your job in Iowa telling you all about New Mexico State football when you clearly don't give a shit.

Anyway, about halfway through his trip I got a text with the photo below and this subject line:

"Tokyo Metro. You've got to be fucking kidding me."

An elderly Japanese man ponders life, existentialism, and what 2009 would have been like if Shonn Greene had stayed.

Since we'll never know the back story associated with this guy, we're going to just have to make one up.

I'd like to think he used to own a little store in a back alley in Osaka and one day an American came in and was browsing through the antiques and trinkets looking for the perfect souvenir to take home to his son and he came across a little furry singing creature and he tried to buy it, but the shop owner told him "mogwai not for sale," but then the guy offered him his Hawkeye hat and told him it had special powers and so the shop owner agreed and now he's been wearing the hat for like 20 years waiting for the special powers to appear and he's starting to think he got fucked over on the mogwai deal, but he's going to keep wearing it because the only other hat he has is a replica C3PO helmet.

What do you think?

Here's the backstory on this video. I put it together just over 3 years ago, shortly after Vint and Jacobi made the terrible decision to bring me aboard the Good Ship LollyPants. It was to be a glorious dedication to all things BHGP, but I never really found a good time to post it. Then a year later, I got ambitious and made a few updates...but then got busy with pizza and shower jerking, so the video remained unwatched by human eyes. Well, now your human eyes can finally gaze upon its beauty. It hasn't been updated in 2+ years, so the avatars are outdated and I'm not even sure all the blogs from the opening sequence even exist anymore. Plus, most of the the former BHGP Superfriends (Brewster, Zook, Paterno, Leman) aren't around anymore so I figured they needed one last farewell. Goodnight, sweet princes.

It's a little NSFW-ish thanks to a brief appearance from Miss Tigerhawk Nipples (2:35, ya pervs) and a little bit of poop here and there. Then again, I'm not even sure if poop is NSFW. Depends on your job, I suppose. Probably fine if you're a janitor. Also depends on how much poop, I bet. You'd probably get fired for watching 2 girls 1 cup even if you're a janitor. Having said that, there's hardly any poop at all in this video. There's a picture of Adam Weber holding a giant turd instead of a football and one of Brett Morse squatting over a dump on media day. Damn it, I've already said too much. Just forget I mentioned poop and think about something else. Anything else. Think about Bret Bielema's underwear after their 37-31 loss to Michigan State on the last play of the game. No, wait......damn it.

Annnnnd with that, I give you Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride's tribute to Black Heart Gold Pants past......

May the years to come be just as batshitastic.

Our secret is out.

Iowa has been been trying to sneak tiny-armed players into the NFL for years now. Robert Gallery and Bryan Bulaga both had appendage short-comings, but we still tricked teams into using first round picks on them. Of course, the pinnacle of all our short-armed shenanigans came last year when we suckered the Titans into drafting Karl Klug and his tiny little arms.

So it looks like Riley Reiff is the most recent in a long line of stubby-armed Iowa players trying to get into the NFL. What we, as Iowa fans, have known for years has finally become public knowledge. Reiff had his measurements taken at the NFL combine and it's worse than we thought.

His arms are only 33 1/4" long.

That's the equivalent of getting measured for the NBA draft and finding out you're only 5' 2".

Having said that, I don't know why everyone is acting so surprised about this. Any good NFL scout should have been able to take one look at him and know he has short arms.

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Do you guys watch The League on FX? You probably should. It's about five friends who live in Chicago and play in a fantasy football league. It's chalked full of witty banter and dick jokes, which is what I look for in a TV show. Scrotum.

However, I was watching a recent episode where they're discussing how it's weird watching football without having a vested interest and the cut-in shot was of the Insight Bowl featuring Iowa and Oklahoma.

And look at the fucking score:

31-0 just after halftime? Not sure whether to be pissed off or to be frightened that it will come to fruition. I found it intriguing that they went through the trouble of choosing a real 2011 bowl matchup and even got Oklahoma's ranking correct, but the team that was supposed to be Iowa looks like Georgia Tech or Navy. Then, whomever on the staff of the show who's in charge of making this fictitious shot had to decide on a score and they decided to make it a goddamn slaughter. Ass.

So what do you think? Is this a glimpse into the future? Let's do a prediction thread. In fact, let's predict the score at the time in the screen shot. With 14:23 left in the 3rd quarter, I'll say it will be 21-20, Iowa. So, suck it. Then Iowa goes on to score 8 unanswered touchdowns and wins 77-20. Mark it, dude.

As a side note, StoopsMyAss knows Paul Scheer (Andre in The League). Maybe we'll get lucky and he'll stop by and tell you about it. If you didn't know this already, StoopsMyAss has some fascinating stories.

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Here's the video of Pat Angerer introducing himself on Sunday Night Football. 

And with that, Pat Angerer has out-Iowa'd and out-America'd everyone on the planet.  

Your move, Ricky Stanzi.

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Seriously.  Think about it.  It's the worst color in the double rainbow.  It's the "leftover" color that no one else wanted. There isn't anything good in the world that is purple.  I've done the research.  Here's the proof.

Eggplant.  Worst vegetable there is.  I would rather stick a banana pepper in my pee hole than eat an eggplant.

Plums.  Worst fruit there is.  Tastes like a peach that went through the laundry and gives you diarrhea.

Sea Urchins.  Useless.  Prickly little assholes of the sea.

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Being an author on a polarizing sports blog such as this has plenty of perks.  Glamorous parties, top shelf liquor and sex-crazed women aren't included in those perks but I thought it would be fun to write them in that sentence. No, the main advantage of being a part of Black Heart Gold Pants is ACCESS.  I get to go places and hang out with people that I otherwise wouldn't be able to.  Like the time I pounded gin and tonics with Ed Podolak and then we took a shit on Sue Coleman's windshield.  That was awesome.  

But it's not all fun and games.  Sometimes I have to do real journalistic-type shit.  This week was a perfect example. Somehow the guys got me a media pass to go watch an actual Northwestern practice as they prepared for their upcoming game against Iowa.  I knew that this would be a great opportunity to see how Pat Fitzgerald got his team ready for a big game. I've always wondered how his team is able to bring such intensity into the Iowa game each year and I finally got to see it person.  

I certainly wasn't disappointed.

Complete breakdown after the jump:

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Threat Level: Wannstache

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  Why should you be concerned about him?

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With the season fast approaching, it's time to take a look at Iowa's schedule and profile one opposing player who could be an important factor in each game.  

Date:  September 17

Team:  Pittsburgh

Player: Brandon Lindsey

What you need to know:

Who is this jabroni?

He's a 6-2, 250lb senior linebacker from Aliquippa, PA.

What has he accomplished?

In 2010 he led the Big East in tackles for loss and was second in sacks. Ranked 16th nationally in both categories.  Can play with a hand down, or as a hybrid OLB.

Why should you be concerned about him?

He was 2nd Team All-Big East!

Why should you not be worried about him?

It's the fucking Big East.

What is the most likely outcome?

Riley Reiff will stuff him into his lower lip like a dip of chew. 

Final Stat Line:  4 attempted tackles, 1 QB near-hurry, 1 almost pass-breakup

With the season fast approaching, it's time to take a look at Iowa's schedule and profile one opposing player who could be an important factor in each game.  

Date:  September 10

Team:  Iowa State

Player:  Jake Knott

What you need to know:

Who is this jabroni?

He's a 6-2, 243 lb junior linebacker from Waukee, IA.

What has he accomplished?

Recorded 130 tackles last year, good enough for 2nd in the Big 12 and 12th in the nation with nearly 11 per game.  Garnered 2nd team All Big 12 accolades and honorable mention for Big 12 Defensive POY.

Why should you be concerned about him?

• He's going to be on the cover of the Cyclone media guide.  The Cyclone media guide is serious business.
• He was offered a baseball scholarship to Iowa.
• He's the chairman of the South Carolina Senate Invitations Committee and a Vietnam veteran.*

Why should you not be worried about him?

• Looks like he probably sunburns easily.
• Had surgery in the spring.  Sources say it was either buttock implants or a broken arm.
• He's a poor decision-maker.  For instance, he decided to play football at Iowa State.

What is the most likely outcome?

Nolan MacMillan spots him prancing around like a headless chicken on one of Iowa's nine end-arounds and decides to channel Marshall Yanda and plant him so fucking deep into the turf.... 

.......that his head pops out in China. 

(You see, because China is on the other side of the world.)

Final Stat Line:  1 solo tackle and 15+ pile-jumps

*Probably a different Jake Knott.

With the season fast approaching, it's time to take a look at Iowa's schedule and profile one opposing player who could be an important factor in each game.  

Date: September 3

Team: Tennessee Tech

Player: Tim Benford

What you need to know:

Who is this jabroni?

He's a 6-1, 195 lb senior wide receiver from Chattanooga, TN.

What has he accomplished?

In 2008 he led the Ohio Valley Conference (that's a real thing) in receptions with 68, which was also a school record.  Also had 782 yards and 9 touchdowns.  Followed up a disappointing 2009 season with 50 catches for 812 yards and 10 touchdowns last year.  Had 8 catches for 177 yards and 2 TD's against Missouri (double-directional Missouri, that is).

Why should you be concerned about him?

• Arkansas was forced to double-team him last year.  Arkansas plays in the SEC.
• His Linked In profile says he's a senior logistics consultant for Serco North America.* 
• According to this photo he is capable of flight:

 

Why should you not be concerned about him?

Their team only has one Tim Benford.  Even with seven Tim Benford's, they'd still be pretty fucked.

What is the most likely outcome?

On the first 3rd and long of the game, Shaun Prater picks Benford up above his head and gorilla presses him for the entire play.    

As the Tennessee Tech punting unit comes onto the field, he surgically attaches Benford to his back. Prater then proceeds to wear him around for the rest of the game like he's a Japanese girl with a brand new Hello Kitty backpack.  Next time they attempt to throw his way, he intercepts it and runs it back for a touchdown.

Final Stat Line:  1 catch, 11 yards

*Could be a different Tim Benford

 
In response to my recent blogging apathy, The Benevolent Order of Pants convened to discuss an appropriate punishment.  They compiled a list of things I hate: exercise, tube socks, wizards, jean shorts, etc...and then tried to think of an assholish way to combine them all.  It took them 2 weeks of intensive brainstorming, but finally one day Jacobi came back from a 45 minute shit-break and said, "I've got it!  Let's make that sonofabitch run a marathon." That's when Vint and Ross stopped Jazzercizing just long enough for both of them to agree.

And so it was decided:

Fearing blogspulsion, I even agreed to pimp their shirt.

  Any serious runner will tell you: hydration is the key. 

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Last week Wes Bunting, Director of College Scouting for The National Football Post used the Twitter to voice his opinion on Karl Klug at the Shrine Game:

It shouldn't come as much of a surprise that he mentioned Klug's lack of a position at the next level.  He also mentioned that he's not "sudden," which seems more like a way in which one acquires a disease to me, but it's a word Bunting loves to use.  

I was a little surprised at the short arms comment, though.  Mostly because the picture I have of him in my head is that of a Japanese terrormonster with the reach of Elton Brand.  Having said that, I'm always wrong.  So I looked back at some photos of The Incredible Gulk from this year to confirm, and holy shit was I ever wrong....

                    " Oh great. My balls itch.  I'll guess I'll just have to rub them on Arnuad's facemask on this next play."

Despite having plenty of room to throw the ball, Adam Weber still managed to hit Klug's tiny hand on this play.

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CLICK FOR AN EXTRA HELPING OF CHRISTMAS AWESOME

Last week's loss was probably my fault.  You may recall the Failpants I was wearing when I wrote this:

I don't know about you, but I don't think I would want to have to give Indiana 21.5 points.

That was a typo.  Clearly what I meant was:

I don't know about you, but I don't think I would want to have to give Indiana 63.5 points.

My punishment is to eat a slice of Hawaiian Biebercake.

mmmmmmm

This week I'm going to keep my comments to myself and leave it all up to the experts, and......well shit, that's you guys. 

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      /sob

     /weep

     You want me to do that thing with my finger that you like?

     (sniff)  Not right now.  I'm still thinking about the potato.

     Jesus, you need to pull yourself together.  You have a game tomorrow.  You haven't even consulted the Oracle yet.

     Sweet chode salsa, you're right!  There's still time.  Quick, bring me my loafers.

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First of all I'd like to mention how smart you all were last week in your infinite wisdom to take Illinois and the 3.5 very important points instead of taking them straight up.  That was the right thing to do.  It feels good to do the right thing, doesn't it?  Keep doing that.  Good, then. 

Your reward is 12 Angry Fitzgeralds:

 I'LL KILL YOU!  I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU!!! 

The weekly results are below the jump.  I'll just say this:  you could find the amount that we need to get back to even in a fat stripper's g-string on a Tuesday afternoon.  If that's not enough to motivate you.....well then you have a higher moral fiber than I ever will, good sir.  Here's the grid:

Iowa going on the road and giving 10 points to a team that keeps finding ways to inexplicably beat them seems like a lot.  Having said that, it's the smallest spread of the Big Ten weekend.  I don't know about you, but I don't think I would want to have to give Indiana 21.5 points.  But hey, let's retain the sanctity of the poll, shall we?  Put your homerism in your pocket and vote for a winner, folks.   

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Note:  If you have not yet read this post from last year, then you really need to.  Otherwise this will make far less sense than it already does.

On a day that seems like any other, Patrick Tonsilcock Fitzgerald wakes up to chirping birds and a gentle ray of sunshine across his face.  He jumps out of bed, puts on his Dora the Explorer slippers and opens his bedroom window.  As the warm breeze hits his face, he knows it's going to be a tremendous day!

     Good morning, Mr. Bluebird!

     Chirp chirp

     Good morning, kitty precious!

     Purrrrrrrrr  

     Good morning, Darnell the Bear

      ........

      Good morning, Bobbie the transvestite sex slave

      Heyyyyyyy

     WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL HERE?

     /takes $20 bill and leaves

     That's better.  Man what a great day.  It's really super to be alive.  Let's see what's on the agenda today.

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