SB Nation User Blog: Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride

Giving Thanks - part deux

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 17:22:41 -0000

Those of you who were around this time last year may remember a bet that I had with my Cyclone-loving cousin on the Iowa - Iowa State game. His penalty was to wear a t-shirt of my choosing to our family Thanksgiving get-together. This year I was hoping to up the ante a bit and say the loser had to stand up and sing the opposing school's fight song. He declined, citing too much Hawkeye support in our family (the majority of us are reasonable people.) Since he wasn't interested in any of the other totally kickass embarrassment-based ideas that I had, we eventually just decided on beer. Now while I certainly enjoyed the 30-pack of Keystone Light and the 2 boxes of microbrews he had to pony up, I still felt like he was getting off too easy.

Sometimes when you watch a game live, it's difficult to grasp the shitty ineptitude of your team, so I put together a video of the game in order to remind him exactly what happened. I gathered the family around the TV and started what I'm hoping will become a tradition. I'm thinking of calling it "The Annual Thanksmas Family Review of the Hawkeyes Kicking the Holy Tacoshit Out of Their Little Red-Headed Turd of a Step-Brother."

On a more serious note: Cyclone addiction, like necrophilia and cranial-rectal inversion, is a disease. As someone who cares about the well-being of a family member, I felt like I needed to help him see the error of his ways. I'm sure I'm not the only one here who knows someone suffering from an Iowa State-related affliction. If someone you know has this sickness, stop enabling their failure and share the follwing video with them.

Iowa versus ISU as interpreted by HFMR and the Pharcyde:

Even their cheerleaders think they suck

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 02:40:19 -0000

Just when you thought ESPN couldn't get any dumber, they go and do something like this...

My workplace has a subscription to ESPN the Magazine, which comes in handy when you need something to look at in the kitchen for 2 minutes while you're making toast. I was just thumbing through to see if there was anything worth reading and it turns out, yes....yes there was.

The article that jumped off the page was titled, "6 Things You Should Know About Cheering For a Losing Team," and right smack in the middle of the page was a photo of a Northwestern cheerleader. If that wasn't enough, she has the biggest shit-grin on her face I have ever seen and her name is Krissy Cox. Krissy......Cox. I can't make up stuff like this.

Then it got better. Ms. Cox verified everything you ever thought to be true about Northwestern. Here's what she had to say:

"Since Northwestern isn’t known for sports, we do worry sometimes that our squad might get dissolved…"

I can see how that would be a legitimate concern. The cheerleaders are always the first to go. Good start.

"It helps that we're on grass beacause we can be more acrobatic. So even though crowds get pretty thin.......we can stay creative and throw harder stunts."

Now come on, Krissy, your crowds aren't so bad.

"Losing tests our ability. We want to encourage the team to keep pushing even though we know that no amount of cheering will raise them up"

Maybe you're just doing it wrong. Iowa's football team got behind a lot this year, but with the right amount of cheering our team would usually respond with a victory*.

"We continue to support them by cheering for each play as if it were successful."

That's the kind of glass-half-full attitude you need to have in order to be a Northwestern cheerleader. Hey! A minus two yard rush! YAAAAAAAY TEAM!!!! Cheering for shitty plays is a perfect example of how you're doing it wrong.

"We all care if we win or lose, but the emotion fades quickly…..What Northwestern lacks in success, we make up for in perspective."

This is actually a very good point and one that I can relate to personally. What I lack in wisdom and good looks, I make up for with sweat pants and an insatiable hunger for chocolate pudding. I'd call that a push.

And the money shot:

"When it’s clear we aren’t going to win, it’s definitely harder to cheer. Losing by, say, 40 causes a negative energy that is distracting"

HAHAHAHAHA! Yeah, it sucks to lose by 40. I love how she chose such a randomly huge number for her team to be losing by. But hey, who knows better than someone with a front row seat?

I have a feeling she's been a Northwestern fan her entire life.

*I realize we lost to Northwestern, but they purposely hurt our quarterback, which is cheating and I fucking hate cheaters.

The Ten Coolest Things About Minnesota

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 05:26:58 -0000

I know it's Hate Week and all, but in the name of good sportsmanship I think it's only fair that we also point out some of the good things about our northern neighbors.

Therefore I have compiled a list of the top ten coolest things about Minnesota:

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

Pick 6 - Week 11: Now I know why they call it handicapping

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 15:25:04 -0000

Welcome to this week's Pick 6, where we analyze the lines for the weekend's Big Ten games and each pick 6 of our favorite bets. If you've been paying attention each week, you know better than to actually put money on these picks so I don't even see a point in having a disclaimer anymore.

First let's take a look at last week's results:

The Week 10 Musical Instruments Chart of Wins:

I don't even know what to say at this point. It's like these teams are doing the opposite of what they're supposed to do just to spite me. Thanks to FossilHawk for coming in and beating us at our own game. Sort of like a high school senior playing a group of kindergartners in dodgeball. Thanks a lot, you fucking bully.

This week we've got Eubanks on board, who assured me that he sucks at dodgeball. He did, however, inform me that when he makes picks, they're pretty much all locks. I like his enthusiasm.

Oh, and this week we have also brought balance to the force by including StoopsMyAss. My guess is that he will surpass my total amount of wins for the year within 2 weeks.

Here's the grid:

Poll

What did you have for breakfast this morning to get ready for the big game?

Eggs and toast

23 votes

Cereal

27 votes

Thee ol' boozeroony

52 votes

Pancakes/waffles

14 votes

Strychnine

13 votes

129 votes | Poll has closed

Familiar Territory

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 05:17:50 -0000

This feels familiar.

Last year Iowa was 5-4 and up against an undefeated Penn State squad looking for a shot at a national championship. The Hawkeyes had just come off an embarassing loss to a less talented team and were decided underdogs. No one gave Iowa much of a chance.

Anyone remember how that game turned out? Anyone? Anyone?

(It was good)

Admittedly, the stakes are a bit higher this year, but the similarities are definitely there. Embarassing loss to a less talented team? Check. Big underdogs? Check. Sumo-themed Photoshop describing what we're up against?

Check.

And yet....

I have a weird feeling about this game. The same type of feeling I had before Penn State last year. There isn't any evidence that we should win. We shouldn't. But there's this.......feeling.......in the far reaches of my soul. It could be a deep hatred for Ohio State that is clouding my thought process, or possibly just gas. But I feel like the Hawks have a legitimate chance.

Allow yourself to fantasize for a moment:

What if our defense plays out of their minds and they make Pryor look like a compilation of Arnaud, Scott, Clark, Forcier and Tolzien? What if they force turnovers and consistently give our offense a short enough field where they can score points? What if Vandenberg plays mistake-free football?

Alright, hands out of your pants.

Like I said before, there isn't much real-world evidence to support that any of this will happen.

But.......it just might.

Or, fuck, maybe it won't.

Keep the whiskey at arm's length either way.

New Playbook

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 03:03:37 -0000

The Hawkeye defense is more than capable of shutting down Terrelle Pryor and the Buckeye offense. What we need to win this game is a little more offensive firepower. I understand that Ken O'Keefe doesn't like change, but we live together and if I can convince him that the Smurfs live inside his television, I can convince him to add a few wrinkles to the playbook this week. Specifically, I have 4 plays that I believe will consistently produce touchdowns. You heard me right. Four touchdown-scoring plays (TSP's) that I am going to share with you right here, right now.

I know what you're thinking. If I post these plays on the internet, the Ohio State coaches will inevitably see them as they troll BHGP for the next few days and then gameplan for them, but that's where you would be wrong. My TSP's are undefensatiable. So, fuck 'em.

Let's get to it.

I've heard some murmering in the comments about running a "Wildcat" formation. First of all, I don't ever fucking want to hear anyone call it the "Wildcat" again. I hate that fucking word. Maybe Florida International calls the I-formation "a clown getting fingerfucked by a midget." I don't care. It's still the I-formation. Let the Miami Dolphins call their dog and pony show the "Wildcat." I'll call it what it is. The fucking single wing. And that leads me to my first play.

We'll be using the 'spinner' variation of the single wing (seen here.) Vandenberg lines up directly under center with McNutt 6 yards deep and Wegher on the right.. DJK will line up at the left wing and Stross will be split wide right. The center snaps the ball through Vandenberg's legs, directly to McNutt, who spins left and with his back to the line of scrimmage fakes the ball to Wegher as he runs behind him. Wegher carries out his playfake to the right and McNutt hands the ball to DJK going in the opposite direction. While the Buckeye defense huddles back up to try to figure out what is happening to them, DJK streaks around the left side for however-many-yards-he-wants and a touchdown.

When we run that play again on our next offensive series, all 11 of those goofy bastards will be chasing DJK toward the sideline when they eventually realize that McNutt handed it to Wegher this time and he's galloped 80 yards down the opposite side of the field into the endzone. The best part about this formation is that we can run that crazy spinning shit all day long and the defense will never catch on. My high school won 3 state titles in 10 years running this shit, so clearly it will work in division I football as well. In fact, I'm pretty sure there are a couple of commentors on here that held up one of those trophies that can vouch for the infinite successfulness of the single wing.

After scoring touchdowns in this offensive set for the entire first half, McNutt will start to get dizzy from doing so much spinning, and we'll have to go back to the old bread and butter. A nice, easy run play. With a twist of awesome. Brandon Wegher will get to rest for a quarter and Adrian Clayborn will fill in at running back. This play practically diagrams itself:

This play we run until Clayborn's jersey is too OSU-blood-stained to stay in the game. At this point he goes into the locker room to change and we decide to tone it down and line up in a seemingly normal formation. The defense sighs with relief.

And then it happens:

Well feed me a bowl of toasted snail penises! It's the dreaded triple reverse!

Sure, teams have been able to contain our reverses, but I'd like to see anyone try to stop Vandenberg to Wegher to Stross to DJK to McNutt. Fuhgettaboutit. By the time Stross hands it to DJK, the Buckeye defense will be weeping over a pile of their own tangled panties. I only see the need to run this play once. Just to give the fans a show, you know.

At this stage in the game Iowa should have roughly 700 yards rushing and be up by 50 or 60 points, but since AP voters like to see some spectacular pass plays, I have one more TSP that we can run repeatedly the entire 4th quarter. I figure Vandenberg would be bored at this point anyway, so it will the perfect time to unleash the deathcannon inferno of an upper appendage that he possesses. From what i can tell, his arm is so powerful that it's difficult for him to throw the ball less than 45 yards at a time. This play will work around that minor flaw.

Nothing fancy here, folks. Just your run-of-the-mill tight-spiraling 70-yarder into the outstretched arms of a receiver in the back of the endzone. This is where we flat-out embarrass them. This is where we earn those style points that we so desperately need. This is where our freshman QB shows us why he was chosen as the successor to greatness. And this is where we make a new t-shirt*:

BHGP t-shirts speak only the truth

Think about it. You could be looking at our new game plan.

Or we could just stick with the smash-em-up-six-seconds-of-pounding-the-ball-down-their-fucking-throat offense combined with our cracking-skulls-together-bloodshed-carnage-and-deathblow-annihilation defense that has gotten us this far.

Cause that could work too........

*t-shirt not availble

Donahue Has Just One Question

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 06:02:00 -0000

According to the SI article , during a tv timeout after the 3rd quarter in the Indiana game, Ricky Stanzi was asked a simple question by a man who has made a career out of asking questions:

Donahue walked over to his quarterback, leaned down and said, "Ready for the greatest quarter of your life?"

Stanzi, who with four picks had just experienced the worst quarter of his life, looked up and replied, "Absolutely."

Now I don't know why Emmy-winning talk show host Phil Donahue was even at the game, much less on our sidelines, but I don't care. All I know is that he brought out the best in our quarterback that day and thus we are indebted to him.

Godspeed, Donahue

Dear Northwestern Fan

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 03:56:45 -0000

[Re-bumped from last year, just for the commenting shit-show that ensued. This is why you're just Northwestern.--OPS]

------------------------------

[Bumped. Northwestern may as well petition to get into Super Bowl XVI.--OPS]

Quit being foolish. Your team is not going to the Outback Bowl. And to be perfectly honest, if I was the Alamo Bowl I would take Wisconsin before NU. Then if I was the Champs Sports Bowl I would be super pissed that I got stuck with Northwestern.

In fact, if there was a Ditka Bowl presented by Rosario's Italian Sausage and it was played ON YOUR HOME FIELD, there's a decent chance that your team would not get invited.

And listen, it's not even so much your team. They did what they needed to do in order to put themselves in this position. Congrats to them. They may be the worst 9-3 team in the nation/history of football, but by god they're 9-3. High fives all around.

The inherent problem is that you're smart. Maybe too smart. You KNOW that they're the worst 9-3 team in the nation/history of football and you KNOW that no matter what bowl game they are gifted that you are not going to it. In fact, you probably won't even bother to watch it on tv. Sure you'll be on winter break, but that's the best time to get a head start on the reading for your Biomedical Engineering classes next semester.

I don't need to tell you this, do I? You're smarter than me. You probably know all of this. I just want to get it out in the open so that when your team gets jumped for a bowl, you're not surprised and you don't complain.

You're not going to be all that upset anyway, are you? If you're really fired up about it you might write a well-versed and grammatically-correct letter with a number of bullet points to the selection committees, but I think that will be good for you. Therapeutic even. Just don't mention things like "attendance" and "quality wins" because that would be counterproductive to your argument.

Christ, listen to me......trying to tell you how to write a letter. Ridiculous. You know how.

Actually, you might be able to make the argument that the game against Iowa was a quality win, since technically your team WAS on the field when Iowa beat themselves, but I wouldn't push your luck......you have too many empty seats for that.

Sincerely,

HFMR

PS - In case you're wondering that last picture isn't a scrimmage or band practice or something like that. It's an actual photo of Ryan Field during a football game.

Pick 6 - Week 10: It sucks when you lose real-life money

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 05:01:31 -0000

Welcome to this week's Pick 6, where we analyze the lines for the weekend's Big Ten games and each pick 6 of our favorite bets. It's highly scientific. It's easy money. It's just for fun. So, clearly we are not responsible for you losing your ass off if you take our advice.

First let's take a look at last week's results:

The Week 9 Awesome-Fish Chart of Wins:

First things first, please excuse the ultra-shitty Pick 6 fanshot from last week. My mom was in town and she believes that the internet is the work of satan, so I was forbidden to use it for most of the week. I had said that the first person to leave their 6 picks in the comments would be the guest picker for that week and it seemed that BHGP newbie Tmo87 had beaten everyone to the punch. Unfortunately he chose 7 picks and being the stickler for the rules that I am, I had to award the coveted guest picker of the week award to twsmith23. The only consolation to Tmo87 is that now I won't be ridiculing his 1 correct pick....so congrats on that.

Unfortunately allowing twsmith23 into the ring turned out to be a mistake because he managed to pull 3 correct picks out of his ass to beat the BHGP experts (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA). Needless to say, this was a tough week of betting. A co-worker of mine was in Vegas last weekend, so I asked him to drop money for me on the 3 bets that I thought were un-fucking-losable: the Iowa under, MSU to cover vs Decker-less Minnesota, and Michigan to cover against the shitholiest team in the Big Ten. Ugh. Fuck my face.

On a more positive note, the guest pickers have pushed their "locks" to 7-0. I know nobody wants to be the one to fuck that record up. So with that.....this week's guest picker is FossilHawk, who in case you haven't noticed is the one who has been putting together the brilliant game in pictures post each week and also coined the phrase, "Fuck you, we're Iowa." Thanks for being here, FossilHawk, and I wish you the same amount of luck as I wish upon Mike Kafka. So without further nothingness, the grid:

Look at those big, beautiful, bold locks flapping in the wind, holy geez I wanna lick 'em.

As always, feel free to tell us why our picks are destined to fail and post your own below.

Overall Standings

Poll

What outcome from last week is likely to not happen again for the rest of the season?

Illinois to cover

52 votes

Minnesota to cover

15 votes

Michigan State to go Over

3 votes

Ohio State to score over 40 points

117 votes

Iowa to go Over

59 votes

Michigan to go under

10 votes

256 votes | Poll has closed

"It's funny sometimes," linebacker Pat Angerer said. "It doesn't really matter what those guys say....

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 16:48:16 -0000

"It's funny sometimes," linebacker Pat Angerer said. "It doesn't really matter what those guys say. I could beat up the majority of them, so I could care less."

Hawk Central