SB Nation User Blog: Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride

Iowa Legends: A tribute to JR Koch, The Roost.

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 04:20:01 -0000

In case you haven't noticed, I've been on sabbatical for the last month or so. But let's cut the shit, I don't even know what the word sabbatical means. If I had to guess I would say it was something Jewish. OK, let's get serious.

I'd like you all to take a moment to remember JR Koch. He's not dead or anything, I was just reminded of him recently on a trip home to southeast Iowa, where the Busch Light flows like wine and the beautiful women instinctively flock like the Salmon of Capistrano.

In case you've forgotten, JR Koch played forward for the Hawkeyes from 1995-99, ranked 5th in career blocked shots* and just happens to slightly resemble a certain infamous commie bastard:

Hair gel is for pussies, Dolph

Anyway, while back in Iowa I cleared some time in my schedule to visit the JR Koch Shrine, which is less a museum dedicated to his life and career as it is a tavern with his jersey hanging from the ceiling.

This is the closest I will ever come to doing research.

By the way, it's not just any bar. It's the ~~best~~ only fucking bar in Keota. More photo evidence after the jump...

God bless you if these photos make you homesick....

The obvious question now is this:

Why is there a crappy-looking practice jersey with JR Koch's name on it hanging in a bar full of drunken farmers? Let me start by giving you the entire history of the town I grew up in:

1875(ish) - town founded
...
...
...
...
...

1989 - Keota wins class A state basketball championship
1999 - To commemorate the 10-year anniversery of the only important thing that's ever happened in our town, we invited the Hawkeye seniors to play a charity game versus our 1989 championship team.

Anyway, as you can probably imagine, the game itself was a joke. Only a couple members of the Keota championship team actually participated and the rest of the players were random fill-ins who played occasionally at Sunday open gym. So it ended up being five or six division I basketball players playing streetball against a group of unfit, undertalented and overweight farmers.

Kent MacCausland, who led the nation in 3-point % his senior year, spent the game shooting 28-footers with his left hand....with moderate success. Koch and Jess Settles basically took turns having a dunk contest. Even Jason Bauer got in on the action with a ridiculous 360 breakaway dunk at one point. I'm not shitting you, Jason Bauer could do that.

One of the lasting memories I have of the game is what a competitor JR was. Let's just say he wasn't fucking around. He was there to win. He was posting up sub-6-footers, slapping the backboard on dunks, and swatting shots into the upper rows of our crowd. Settles even had to tell him to calm down at one point............

The final score looked something like this:

Hawkeyes: 137

Eagles: 49

After the game they held a silent auction for a bunch of Hawkeye memorabilia, including the game jerseys for the participating Iowa players. I'm not sure why the owner of The Roost Tap decided to throw the big bucks at the Koch jersey, but it's been dangling from a hanger over his bar ever since.

That is...............until last week.

I bet you don't look like I pictured you either, fucker.

Nowadays, JR sells kitchenware in Denmark under the name JR Kochtopfhaus. Check out his site and tell me the music doesn't remind you of Requiem For a Dream.

That might not be him, actually. I'm pretty sure this is, though. If you're looking at real estate in the Peoria, IL area, you would have to be a real asshole not to contact him. In addition to the real estate gig, he still keeps in touch with his basketball roots.....

Finally and most importantly:

According to Hawkeyesports.com:

...older brother Dough attended Arkansas on a track scholarship...

So apparently he has a brother named "Dough." Domino, motherfuckers.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* since passed by Erik Hansen, Greg Brunner, Kurt Looby and tied by Glen Worley

NY Jets have 2 holdout running backs

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Wed, 13 May 2009 00:45:20 -0000

NY Jets have 2 holdout running backs

Sure, they've only missed voluntary workouts and there's still plenty of time for them to ink a deal, but they might want to keep an eye over their shoulder. In case they've forgotten:

"Last month, the Jets drafted hard-charging rookie running back Shonn Greene as the heir apparent to Jones and feel he can step right in if Jones stages a bitter holdout."

Brodell Considers Management Change

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Tue, 05 May 2009 02:18:02 -0000

Having recently received the bad news that he failed his physical for the Packers, Andy Brodell is considering leaving agent Jack Bechta for something a little more...........awesome.

Make 'em say Unnnnnnhhhhh

Bad wheel or not, Master P's No Limit Sports Management has the tools and the talent to get Brodell into the NFL. Their structuring of Ricky Williams' contract in 1999 is still lauded as one of the most brilliant negotiations in modern sports history.* Tevester Scott could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves. Plus I'm fairly sure he used to be in Boyz II Men.

I suggest you visit their visually stimulating and constantly updated website, which lists 6 of their key clients (2 of which are still active, 1 of which is misspelled). If they could keep Isaiah Rider and his never-ending string of arrests in the NBA for 8 years, they can surely figure out a way to get a man with a torn hamstring onto an NFL roster.

The only real problem I foresee is that according to their website:

most of the athletes come from less forunate** and underpriveleged childhoods in the ghetto.

I'm not all that familiar with Ankeny, but I'm not sure it qualifies as a ghetto (at least in the traditional sense of the word.) However, Mr. Brodell is determined and he's not going to let something like that get in the way of his future. He had to try.

Somehow, I was able to get a transcript of the conversation:

Well, fuck it......it was worth a shot. Don't give up, Andy.

*of course, this is the opposite of truth

**one of many misspellings on their website

Keeping my end of the bargain

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Fri, 01 May 2009 02:29:18 -0000

So if you remember from awhile back I had a little problem with a deadbeat friend in our NCAA basketball tournament and I asked for help from a bunch of totally random, intensely smelly, mildly demented, possibly deformed, almost certainly drug-addicted strangers known as "BHGP readers."

Anyway, the poll results came back favorably:

However.....

There were a few minor problems. Let's go with bullet points, shall we?

I am a lazy man, so it didn't help that the winning idea was a complete and total pain in my asshole.
I had assumed that what OPS referred to as the "pubecheck" would be the easy runaway winner, so I really had my heart set on it.
The star idea was such a close third that it seemed a waste to simply discard it.

Therefore, I'm doing the only thing a sensible person in my position would do: All three.

So, I don't know how much you all know about "star-naming," but let's just say it's a complete and utter crock of shit. The International Astronomical Union is the only outfit which can name a cellestial body......and they don't call them "Tim Brewster eats my shit." They use numbers. These sites that charge you to name a star are selling you a $50 certificate that's celebrating the fact that your name has been entered into their database. And yes, I realize that it would have been funny if I used his victory money to purchase such a bullshit gift....

What? That's what you got your girlfriend for your 1 year anniversary? Well, not only is that the world's shittiest gift, you could have gotten it for free.

Like so:

Name hidden to protect the "innocent"

If you don't want to see photos of the pubecheck, stop reading here.

Still with me? Good. You're a disgusting human being.

Ok, so instead of splitting the payment into like 25 checks, I decided to do just two. I assumed that if the checks were too small, he wouldn't bother cashing them. I figured that the threshold must be about $50, so I made each one out for $52.50. For the first one I used ~~Elmer's~~ a generic glue that looks like Elmer's and put a thin layer all over the check and sprinkled the goodies on it and pressed them down with a bible I found under my sink.

Gluey-pubey check:

I'm not offended if you just puked in your mouth a little

For the second check, I doubled the hairs and used thick transparent moving tape for adherence. Also, I post-dated it a month. My hope is that he decides to take them both in at once and they tell him he has to come back in 3 weeks to cash the second one.

Tapey-pubey check:

For some reason I'm still not allowed to use big boy scissors

Big shout out to the United States Postal Service for helping me out with this. Neither snow nor rain nor letters filled with pubic hair keeps them from completion of their appointed rounds.

The end, I guess. Sorry for not having anything truly Hawkeye-related to report. Next time, though, I swear.......

3rd Party Arbitration

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 00:10:44 -0000

Here's the situation. I put together an NCAA tournament pool amongst a few of my friends. There were 7 of us and we each 'drafted' 9 teams and got points based on their seeds and how far they got. Anyway, barring an upset it looks as though the pool is all wrapped up.

Now, to understand why this is a problem you need some more background information. I also set up a College Football Pick 'Em league last fall. The person who is winning the basketball pool, we'll call him "Blaine," was also a participant in the Football Pick 'Em. He did shitty the first week and then didn't bother to enter his picks for the rest of the season. He believed that by quitting in week 2, it absolved him from paying the winner at the end. Clearly I disagree.

So back to the basketball pool.....it appears that he is going to win. As the 'commisioner' I have collected everyone's money. Except his. He emailed me on Friday to ask what my address was because he became suddenly motivated to pay once he realized he was probably going to win. But then he came to the conclusion that the money wouldn't get here by today anyway so he would just wait to see whether he won or not. Strike 2, fucker.

Here is a short list of his other crimes against humanity.
1) Looks like this guy.
2) Drives an Audi
3) Dances like he has epilepsy. Sometimes to MC Hammer.
4) Owns a bowflex.
5) Wears the little *NSYNC earpiece while he plays XBox online.
6) Tried to fuck my sister in high school

Now, here's where I need your help. I can't just keep the money I've collected because that's not really fair since I didn't win. However, I don't think I could live with myself if I simply sent him the check for the full amount. I've come up with a few other ideas and I figure the best way to take care of this would be for you all to vote on how I should proceed. (Winning poll idea will be presented to BHGP Consulting for final approval.)

If there's one thing I know about you, the BHGP reader, it's that you consistantly exhibit sound and moral judgement.

Poll

How should I remit payment?

Send full payment via a collection of pennies, chocolate coins and Hy-Vee Coupons

19 votes

Send him a check for $4.03 every 2 weeks for a year. Post-date each one 6-7 weeks

54 votes

Split the payment up into 6 checks and mail one to each of his neighbors. Include photos of dicks. Ask them to deliver it to his door

23 votes

Sprinkle pubes all over the check and put scotch tape over it so he has to take it to the bank like that

40 votes

Send the cash Ultra-Fast Overnight Guaranteed 8am delivery. Take the money it costs out of his winnings so he only ends up getting like $8

27 votes

Use the money to name a star after him. Use 'peniseater' as his middle name

38 votes

Stop being a dick and just send him a check

8 votes

209 votes | Poll has closed

Happier Thoughts, courtesy of HFMR

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 13:12:32 -0000

I thought I would step in real quick and make all your pain go away. If only briefly.

I'm not handing out oxycontin just yet, but I do come bearing gifts. I have elegantly pieced together a video entitled "Iowa Hawkeye Football 2009 - The Year in Photos." Yeah I know, I'm like a goddam wizard.

So leave your inhibitions at the door, curl up on your couch with a snuggie and an oversized mug of hot chocolate and enjoy.

In four minutes and ten seconds you won't even fucking remember who Todd Lickliter is.

And now, back to the bloodshed.

Bracketolometry

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 00:15:09 -0000

We decided to go with Yahoo. Sign Up. The password is "balls". Don't make excuses, just get there. We are using their default scoring system (1,2,4,8,16,32) because I'm too lazy to fuck with it. That pretty much means pick the champion or you lose. Easy.

More free advice: In addition to Stephen F Austin (thank you OPS), I would also recommend Robert Morris. Teams that are a person's name tend to do well in the tournament. Also directional teams.

Watch this video before you sign up, because I have a feeling if you leave and go sign up and start thinking about your bracket that you won't come back and watch it.

Lastly, any ideas on a prize for the winner? The odds that any of us spend any money on it are slim, but your input is still appreciated.

Pity Vote

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 00:15:40 -0000

In another inexplicable move destined to fail, Jamie Pollard has hired me, HFMR, as his Remarchifornication campaign manager. Yeah it’s an awful idea but nobody else was going to take such a shitty job.

His first order of business was to ban me from using the term "inconsolable." Another terrible idea because without that I pretty much have nothing.

The best I could do was to put together a short video documenting the last known conversation he had with Gene Chizik. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll vote Pollard…….or......whoever you want. Fuck it, I'm not that heavily invested in this one. I had all my money on a different pony.

/points to sky

Tribute to a Friend and a Great American Hero

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 00:43:07 -0000

First of all, it's been a rough week. Downright shitty, in fact.

Ken O'Keefe and I have a long, storied history together and it's difficult for me to put into words exactly what he means to me. That's why I've compiled a video of some of the special moments we've spent together. I hope you enjoy it.

KOK and HFMR 4 Life

.....and I just want you to know, Shaun Prater, that no one gets accidentally drunk and runs over my best friend and fucking gets away with it.

NO ONE.

Ken O'Keefe Looking Forward to Getting His GPK On

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 06:35:51 -0000

So I just read about Ferentz's new contract and thought that a good friend of mine, fresh off a 16-hour Cartoon Network marathon, would be interested to hear the news. You would think that a member of the coaching staff would know the deal, but his relationship with the other coaches has been a little strained since an ugly incident prior to the Outback Bowl.

Hey Ken, did you hear Kirk got a 7 year extension?

Yes! YES! YESSSSSSS!

Yeah, good news huh?

What? No, I just figured out Blues Clues. What'd you say?

Kirk got a 7 year contract extension worth close to 3 million a year.

You mean like......dollars? What the shit? He told me we he was getting paid in Garbage Pail Kids like me.

Uhhhh....like you?

Armpit Britt! Ewwwwwwwwww!

Horny Hal!

LOL...horny.

Seriously Ken, I think you should...

HAHAHAHAHAHA Barfin' Bart!

Ken listen to me. This is important.

Fine. What.

According to the article....

* snicker * .....bony

.....it says that "his assistant coaches will be able to receive additional compensation if they meet certain goals."

Annnnnnnnd?

You're an assistant coach.

Go on....

Oh for fuck sake....if the team does well, you could get more money.

No problem, we held opponents to like 12 points per game last year.

That's defense.

You can say that again.

You don't coach the defense, Ken.

Oh. Right. The other guy does that.

Norm Parker?

If he's the fat guy that gave me a swirley after the Michigan State game, then yeah. Him.

You're not going to get paid for what Norm does.

Crappypants buttfart!

Language, Ken. Listen, just do what you're supposed to do next year and you'll be fine.

So....

.....

I....should......

Focus Ken.

Hawkeyes?

Come on, you know this.

Foot....ball. Team.

Getting closer. Expand on that.

Score points?

Atta boy! And if you do that, you're going to make some REAL money....and I think you know what that means.

Hell yeah. More Garbage Pail Kids.