SBNation.com User Blog: Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride

HFMR is Shaving His Head

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 02:50:16 -0000

I'd like to start by saying that I have a beautiful head of hair.

Seriously.

I have the kind of long, flowing locks that you see on a hero in a Disney movie. The kind of soft, lustrous hair that could melt a princess's heart upon first glance. It careens down to my shoulders like a magical golden waterfall. When I stand in a faint breeze, my silky waves of hair flap gently back and forth like He-Man's as he summons the power of Greyskull.

It's truly a sight to behold:

But in two days I'm shaving it all off. And you know what? It's not about the hair.

This Friday, March 15, I'm participating in an event to benefit the St Baldrick's Foundation. The goal is to raise money for childhood cancer research, so if you'd like to donate to the cause, that would make you an extra awesome person. I'm not going to go on about the horrors of cancer because the unfortunate odds are that it has already affected your life in some way. If you'd like information from the St Baldrick's Foundation, here are some links on childhood cancer, the funding gap, and the impact of the organization.

In December of 2011, I lost my cousin Ashley Whiting to cancer at the age of 21. She was loved by all who knew her, including the Hawkeye community. In February of last year, Iowa basketball players Kelly Krei and Kamille Wahlin appeared in a video shown during halftime of one of their games as a tribute to Ashley.

via Iowa Women's Basketball

If you'd like to donate, please visit my donation page: http://www.stbaldricks.org/participants/mypage/610844/2013

And if you need any extra motivation.....if I hit $2000 by Friday, I'll shave my armpits as well.

Thanks.

The Lickification of Iowa Football

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Thu, 01 Nov 2012 05:28:19 -0000

So far, I hate this season.

It's not necessarily because of Iowa's record, though. There are two factors that have made this season, up to this point, nearly unbearable. First of all, I don't know who to blame. When any person gets angry at sports, it only makes sense to direct that anger at someone. The immediate reaction is generally to blame the player, like so:

"FUUUCK YOU VANDENBERG, WHAT THE HOLY FUCK KIND OF ASSHOLE PASS WAS THAT?"

If this continues, you can either keep coming up with new ways to insult the offending player and his teammates, or you may come to the conclusion that the problem is coming from above. So you re-direct your vitriol to the next person up the ladder, like so:

"HEY GREG DAVIS, YOU DONKEYFISTING CUNT ROLL, IF YOU CALL ONE MORE 3 YARD OUT ON 3RD AND 8, I WILL SHIT IN YOU!"

Once again, you can only threaten that so many times before you start to wonder if you've got the wrong man again. Perhaps you need to climb a little higher. It gets more difficult, though, as the next man up has been around for a long time. This means it gets harder to assign immediate blame, but sometimes you can't help it:

"YEAH THAT'S IT, FERENTZ, YOU FUCKING SCROTUM QUICHE, PUNT IT AGAIN FROM INSIDE THEIR 50!"

And so it goes.

Fans get mad. It's to be expected. I was shouting my dick off at the television in 2009 even when we were 7-0. But this year is different. This year when I tell Vandenberg and Greg Davis and Kirk Ferentz to go fuck themselves, I feel like I really mean it. I'm totally serious when I say I don't know who to blame, though, and that might be the most infuriating part about it. I read through the comments on here and it seems like everyone is pretty clear on who they think the culprit is. We have Greg Davis apologists and haters and Ferentz apologist and haters and Vandenberg apologists (they're out there) and haters. I simply don't know who to hate, and that's almost the worst fucking thing about this shithole season.

Almost.

My wife recently told me that my gameday behavior has gotten out of control. Normally I would tell her she just doesn't understand football, but instead I took a good hard look at it and decided that she was right. And it all comes down to one core reason. This team is simply not fun to watch. Even the win against Michigan State was fucking painful to watch for 2 and half hours. And that, my friends, is a very dangerous problem.

Remember the other Iowa team that yielded subpar results mixed with a style of play that made games nearly unwatchable?

Remember what happened to that guy? Remember what happened to the fans? Remember how much that sucked? Who's to say it couldn't happen to the football team?

Maybe it starts with a bad hire....

Now, one person can't bring the entire Iowa football program to its knees, right? Maybe, maybe not. But let's say the "problem" spreads to the rest of the staff.

And since players are an extension of their coach, this problem is going to spread to the quarterback next.

The quarterback is the field general. The leader. When he's broken, the team is broken.

And when the team is broken, you start to lose the fans.

Even the young fans.

And everything spirals out of control.

At this point, maybe you're thinking, "HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! This season hasn't been that bad! We're .500 in the Big Ten, we beat MSU and we crushed Minnesota. Remember that game, you fucker? That game was AWESOME! REMEMBER THIS PLAY? REMEMBER HOW AWESOME IT WAS?"

Yep.

But even the sun shines on a dog's ass some days.

Luckily we're not there yet. This team has been brutal to watch, but the wheels have not yet come completely off. This weekend, they could. I’m not calling this a must win game. Partly because I think that term is stupid and completely overused, but moreso because I think it’s actually MORE than that. If the Iowa offense goes out and dumps buckets of shit all over itself for 3 quarters and the defense gives up huge plays, it won’t even matter if they somehow come back and win. I hate watching an inept team. I hate watching the other team complete 15 yard passes over the middle like it’s no big deal. If Iowa completed a pass like that I would have to assume it was divine intervention. I hate watching 3 yard outs on 3^rd and 7. I hate punting from the opponent’s 38 yard line. I hate back-shoulder throws that land in the 9^th row of seats. I seriously can’t watch that shit anymore. You know why? Because it reminds me of the Lickliter offense. It reminds me of passing the ball around the perimeter until there’s 2 seconds left on the shot clock and having someone jack up an off-balance 25-footer with a hand in their face. It’s unfuckingwatchable.

That's why Iowa needs to do more than just beat Indiana. They need to destroy them. They need to go up early and hang 40 points on them. The quarterback needs to be sharp. The wide receivers need to focus. The offensive line needs to steamroll everyone in their path. The running backs need to not tear any ligaments. The defense needs to play inspired and hungry and they need to swarm to the ball. This team needs to entertain us and they need to do it now. The Lickification of Iowa Football is a very real threat and it's a very slippery slope.

I, for one, can't bear to go down that path...

Pat Fitzgerald goes shopping for a new chair

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Thu, 25 Oct 2012 03:51:48 -0000

Hello friend, welcome to Black Heart Gold Furnishings. How can I help you?

I need to buy a new chair.

Fantastic, we have many chairs that would necessitate a man of your stature. Is it for your living room, kitchen, horse-sex dungeon, dining room...?

What was that after kitchen?

Breakfast nook.

Oh. No, it's for my coaches office.

Perfect, we have a variety of office chairs that I would be happy to have you sit in. Follow me.

Ok, here's the first one. I think it'll fit you perfectly.

That looks like a parking cone.

Nope, this is from our Urban Classics Collection. It's very popular.

Oh I get it, you call it Urban because it's very-city looking....

No it's named after Urban Meyer. He has like 10 of them.

Really? I don't know, it doesn't look very comfortable.

Now see, that's the common misconception. I hear it's quite comfy. Go ahead and try it out

GRRRRRUUUUUNNNNooooooooHHHHHJEEEEEEEEESUUUSS

See? Isn't that exactly what you need?

Urrrg.

Hey, if that's not what you're looking for, I'll gladly show you some more. Yeah, let's definitely do that.

Hop up and follow me. You good, or do you need a shoehorn or something?

I'm fine.

You've still got some parking cone stuck in....ah forget it.

Huh?

Nothing. OK, here's one from our Kona Collection. We get this from a distributor in Hawaii.

Um, that's a pineapple.

No, sir, that's a chair that has been cleverly disguised as a pineapple.

Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii.

And this chair will give you that sensation. Bret Bielema bought a dozen of these for his summer home in Praire du Chien. Have a seat.

HHHHHHUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGOOOHHHHHSSSSSSSHHHHHIT

See? Don't you feel like you're on vacation?

Kinda.

Listen, I don't want you to have to settle. Let's move on. You need a plunger or anything?

No thanks.

Great. I'm starting to get a good idea of the kind of man you are so I think I've got something you're really going to like.

Um...

Oh, it's not what it looks like.

It looks like a fire hydrant.

Well yeah, that's what it is but you've never really lived until you've let all your cares slip away while sinking onto one of these. Just ask Bob Stoops. He has one in every room in his house.

DARRRNELLLLLAUTRYYYYYYYYYYYY

Unnnh, yeah I'm not so sure.

Well, the one drawback is that once you sit down you're kind of there for awhile. I can see that you're more of a man on the move, so let's keep looking.

Here's something I think you may like.

I don't need a lamp.

A lamp? I don't see a lamp. I see a relaxing seat where you can draw up awesome passing plays while eating an asshole sandwich.

Eating a what?

Turkey club.

How do I even get on it.

Take a running jump, Mr. Linebacker tough guy.

/runs like a girl

/leaps like a fairy

PEEEEEETEEERRRRRRRRPANNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Unfortunately, that one is on backorder.

What?

Yeah, it's our most popular lamp.

You mean chair?

Right.

If it's on backorder then why did you even have me sit on it?

Hey, who's the furniture salesman here? Not you, fuckmunch. I am. Now pull that lamp out of your ass and follow me.

I've kind of been saving this one because it really has your name on it.

I'm no expert, but it looks like a fist.

That's right, you're no expert. Now hop on.

Come on, you don't really think I'm going to sit on that, do you?

Yeah right, don't act like it's the first time. Up you go.

KHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNN

Ok I'm going to be honest, you don't look very cool on that one.

Really? I feel cool.

Of course you do. Let's not make any hasty decisions, though. I have couple more that you need try out.

This is part of our Sante Fe Collection.

Let me help you up there.

Back off. I can bench press like 300 pounds, so I can climb to the top of a cactus chair.

INNNNNNNNNNNDDDIIIAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNAAAAA

Hey, look at you!

I'm afraid of heights!

Just rock back and forth a little.

TUUUURRRRRRKEYPOTPIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE

Ahhhhhhhhhhh. I think this is the one.

Sorry, you can't have that one. It's the floor model. Plus they stopped making it because that cactus went on the endangered species list or something.

Man, I just can't catch a break here.

Yeah, it's a fucking tragedy.

But you know what? I've got one more to show you and I think it's going to make your tiny penis explode. Unfortunately, it's not in this showroom. To get there you have to turn around and go back that way.

Over here?

Yeah fuckstain, over there.

/Turns around

/hits him in the head with a 9-iron

/is unconscious

MANY HOURS LATER........

...gurgle

Oh hey, good morning sleepyhead.

What happened? Where am I?

You're shopping for a new chair in Paris.

Oh right, I think I remember a parking cone and some fisting and....wait.....why the fuck am I in Paris?

I promised you the best, sir, and you're going to get it. Here it is.

That's the goddamn Eiffel Tower.

Yep, and you're going to sit on it. Like a KING.

A king, you say?

/thinks evil king thoughts

Alright, how do I get up there?

Don't worry, I've got it covered.

This is gonna be awesome.

I couldn't agree more.

Later fucko.

/launches very powerful catapult

(FIN)

The Big Ten Betting Extravaganza: Week 8 - Mama knows best

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Wed, 17 Oct 2012 03:38:54 -0000

So, last week went pretty much as expected. I took the Michigan-Illinois over, partly because my dipshit co-worker liked the under, but mostly because I expected Michigan to hit the 49.5 points by themselves. They came awfully damn close, running up 45 points, but they needed a little help from Illinois to get to the promised land. A garbage time touchdown is all it would have taken. Or two field goals. Or three fucking safeties, if you wanna be a Kirk about it. Unfortunately, they couldn't do it.

In fact, this is the closest Illinois came to scoring:

(Actual game footage)

Anyway, it's a brand new week and that means a brand new opportunity to fuck up a prediction. This week I'm trying something new again. My mom is visiting from Pleasant Mountain, so I thought I'd ask her advice with my pick. I waited until she was a few Sauv's deep, then I showed her the grid:

Quick Rundown:

Minnesota, based solely on my cultural memory, sucks. They do not, however, suck bad enough to lose by 20 to Wisconsin. The Vegas-implied score of that game is around 32-13. Though Minnesota is familiar with that type of score, I think they bring just enough rival-hate and anticonvulsants to keep it within 2 touchdowns.

Indiana is on the road. Indiana is an underdog. Indiana doesn't cover as a road dog. Even against a service academy. Navy wins by a score and half. Land ho.

Northwestern has been covering everything this year and still gets no love from the gamblers. That's probably because fuck Northwestern. Wait, but also fuck Nebraska. Hmmm yes, fuck them both. The tiebreaker on this one is the trend, so I'll take the fucktheWildcats and the 5 points.

I prefer to stay away from the battle of the jerkoffs. This game will go as Denard goes and that's somewhere between Michael Vick and Michael Vick. Either the Spartan defense goes into beast mode and holds him to Vandenberg numbers or he goes fucking video game stats on them and Michigan locks it up by halftime. This could be anywhere from a 17-16 Spartan win to a 42-10 Wolverine dicksmashing.

Big Movement

Ohio State opened as a 14.5 point favorite versus Purdue on Monday. That jumped all the way up to 17 by Tuesday and has steadily risen to 19 points. That kind of movement ain't no joke, the money is coming in heavy on OSU. However, I'm not sold. That is a shitass ton of points and even though Purdue has fucked me like a snake in a lawnmower this year, I'm confident they can stay within a couple TD's (plus maybe a field goal). Ohio State is average against the spread and Purdue has been historically very good ATS versus the Buckeyes.

Deferring to the expert:

I promised you some expertise, so god damn it here it is. What you're about to read is the actual conversation I had with my mom, who is totally awesome.

Me: I need you to pick a winner for this weekend. Here are the spreads.

Mom: IOWA! Alright, tell me what to do. Ok, what does 5 mean? 19.5 seems good. What are all these things?

Me: The team in bold is the one that's supposed to win and the spread is how much they're supposed to win by. So if you choose the underdog, you basically start off the game with that amount of points.

Mom: Where's Iowa?

Me: Right here, but you can't choose them because that's too easy.

Mom: Well god damn it anyway.

Me: What do you think about Northwestern? Where is Northwestern?

Mom: Well, it's north and west...it's...Montana? Or, Wyoming? How far do we go to play?

Me: Nevermind, let's just think about who you want to pick.

Mom: The Minnesota and Wisconsin one?

Me: What is Minnesota's mascot?

Mom: Well, it's cold there so...something snow shoes? Or penguins. The Minnesota Penguins.

Me: Correct, what about Wisconsin?

Mom: Bears.

Me: Yes.

Mom: Really?

Me: No.

Mom: Oh, cheese. The Wisconsin Cheeseheads.

Me: That's close enough, who should we bet on?

Mom: Minnesota. (BOOM, official pick.)

Me: So if Wisconsin wins 38-21, who wins the bet?

Mom: Hold on. (sets wine glass down and does finger math.) Minnesota?

Me: Nice, so how much money should we put on them?

Mom: Is this real money or pretend?

Me: Totally real.

Mom: What's normal?

Me: Any amount you want.

Mom: Four dollars.

Me: Perfect.

Mom: Or no...five dollars.

Me: Done. Who do you like better, Michigan or Michigan State?

Mom: Michigan.

Me: Why?

Mom: Because they're in bold.

Me: No, forget about that, I just meant which team do you like better?

Mom: Well, it's like how there's Iowa and Iowa State and I like Iowa so I like Michigan because it doesn't have the State after it.

Me: That makes sense.

Mom: (Sigh) No, it doesn't.

Me: What's your prediction for Iowa - Penn State on Saturday?

Mom: Iowa wins by.......tell me a good score. They're gonna get like 2 touchdowns. How much are touchdowns? Six? Is it six or seven points? The Cotton boy is going to get a touchdown. Who else plays? Ok, I'm gonna say 27 to 13.

You heard it here first:

Iowa: 27

PSU: 13

The Big Ten Betting Extravaganza: Week 7 - The Rope Bet

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Wed, 10 Oct 2012 21:10:04 -0000

Sometimes when you're on a cold streak it helps to take a step back and re-think your methods. You may need to adjust your formulas, shuffle around your power rankings or perhaps start all of your research over from the beginning. Luckily, I don't do any of those things because that sounds like a lot of work. I just stare at the over/unders with a dumb fucking look on my face and hope something magical happens like Harty trying to figure out how a voice recorder works.

This week, as I was struggling with my bi-focals or whatever the fuck was going on there, the solution came to me. A guy in my department, I'll call him Curtis, has been doing something he calls the "rope bet" with another guy we work with, I'll call him Nick. Curtis lets Nick choose any two bets he wants for the weekend games and then Curtis takes the other side, no matter what. Curtis is essentially playing the part of the house and just giving Nick "enough rope to hang himself." The stipulation is that it's equivalent to a parlay bet, so they have to win both to get paid. It's meant to be low stakes fun, so they only wager $5 per week, but Nick has managed to go 2-10 and is down $20 on bets of his own choosing. I think it's impressive for someone to deviate that far from the middle, even it's in the wrong the direction.

That's why I'm using an ancient method called "the power of opposite-sies" this week. I'm going to ask Nick for his lead-pipe lock of the week and I'm taking the opposite. As you can see, 83% of the time...it works every time.

Now let's see the grid:

Money coming in:

Now this is the kind of spread that gamblers like to see with Iowa, as is evident by the movement. The Hawks were getting 13 points on Monday, but that got bombarded with sharp money and it was down to 10 by Tuesday. That seems to have been the tipping point, though, as it has stayed constant since.

Michigan getting some love, too, as they were only giving 21 at the start of the week. That could have something to do with their 30-point victory over Purdue or maybe it's just because no one in the world wants to bet on the rapidly-rolling downhill-shitball that is Illinois.

Bucking the trends:

Penn State isn't just on a winning streak, they're also covering the spread and are 5-0 ATS since their week one dick-juggling disaster. My inside information says that streak will not be broken this weekend.

Indiana still has yet to hit the under this year and they will most likely continue to do what they do best and let Ohio State score a fuckosphere of points this weekend. The transitive property doesn't apply to football, but if the Buckeyes can jam 63 points into the collective Nebraska anus, they should be able to score a fictitious number called "trigabundred" points against Indiana.

Following my heart:

My heart dislikes betting Iowa as a favorite as much it loves betting Iowa as a double-digit underdog. But my heart is a tender little fellow and wouldn't be able to take the devastation of a 10+ point loss to Lil' Michigan coupled with the financial ruin that would accompany it. So let's forget I said anything.

The pick:

I emailed Nick the lines and told him to pick one and to treat it as though he has to drink my piss if he's wrong....and he went with the Illionis-Michigan UNDER. Now remember, everything he says is the opposite of correct, so we're going with the Illionis-Michigan OVER. And that, my friends, is how you profit off of someone else's shitty decisions.

You all should have been doing the same thing with me all year.

Poll

What's your easy money pick this week (besides Iowa, you filthy homer)

Wisconsin +2.5

20 votes

Purdue -2.5

5 votes

Northwestern -3

27 votes

Minnesota +3

1 votes

Illinois +23.5

5 votes

Michigan -23.5

11 votes

Ohio State -17

35 votes

Indiana +17

3 votes

Nick's right this time: Michigan/Illinois UNDER

5 votes

Michigan hits the OVER by themselves

45 votes

I'm investing in mutual funds instead.

22 votes

179 votes | Poll has closed

The Big Ten Betting Extravaganza: Week 6 - Double down

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 02:08:04 -0000

So last week, fuckPurdue was a 16.5 point favorite and leading 42-14 at halftime. Things were looking good. Then what happened was, Purdue went into the locker room and took turns pulling long, chaulky hits off of the 6 foot glass bong that Dwayne Beckford left in his locker. Then they spent the 3rd quarter staring at the jumbotron and pondering what would happen if, like, they lived inside the jumbotron. Then they ate pizza while Marshall blocked punts and threw touchdown passes and covered the spread. I didn't need another reason to hate Purdue, because I've always hated Purdue...but fuck those guys with the wrong end of a croquet mallet.

Probably better that I lost anyway. I would be like 6'11" with those T-Rex high heels on. But once again, I was playing for something that didn't make much sense. If I'm going to win these bets I need to focus and the best way to do that is to set my sights on something that I genuinely need. That's why this week I'm playing for a chrome ball scratcher.

For the man who has everything. (Except Gold Bond.)

The only difference is, I won't be wearing such an assholish shirt. Let's see that grid. Favorites are in bold. NEW FEATURE: The arrows indicate which way the lines have moved since opening.

Money coming in:

There's a couple of big line movements from Monday. Michigan State opened as a 16-point favorite over Indiana, but the money came in heavy on Indiana and now they're only giving 14. This makes perfect sense, because why wouldn't you bet money on Indiana football? This is probably indicative of bettors doubting that MSU can even get to 14 points. The other big mover is Wisconsin opening at 11.5 and moving all the way up to 14. There's a significant difference between spotting a team two touchdowns as opposed to 11.5, so it will be interesting to see if there's any more movement before Saturday. It would probably have to get to about 20 before I'd even remotely consider the 44-legged shitlog that is Illinois.

The over/unders have been adjusted as well, with Nebraska-Ohio St moving from 53.5 all the way up to 57. Not sure why, I'll take the under there. Those two quarterbacks might have 10 completions between the two of them and I think the clock expires before either team hits 30. The Michigan-Purdue O/U moved up two from 56 and Michigan St-Indiana went the other way from 49.5 down to 47.5.

Bucking the trends:

Last week Purdue failed to cover for the first time this year. Iowa and Wisconsin, on the other hand, got their first wins against the spread. Penn State hadn't hit the over all year but then they managed to squeeze it out by a half point with little help from Illinois. As of this week, Indiana still has yet to go under and Michigan State has yet to hit the over so one of those trends will break on Saturday. Shit, and I suppose I have to mention that Northwestern is still a perfect 5-0 against the spread.

Don't follow your heart:

Otherwise you'll take Penn State -2 because you want Northwestern to lose by 70 because fuck them with a parking cone. And I don't mean a different parking cone for each player and coach. They all have to use the same one. Fitzgerald goes last.

The Pick:

In some ways, gambling is like playing quarterback. You have to be able to shake off the interceptions and go out the next play and rifle the ball in between two defenders for a completion. Or throw another interception. Fuck, I don't know. I guess what I'm trying to say is: I'm taking Purdue again. This time as a home dog to Michigan. The moneyline is only +125, so I'll take the 3 points.

Any gambler knows that when you hit a cold streak, the best thing to do is double down. And probably parlay something. So better give me the over on the Purdue game as well.

Also, I'll take under on Michigan State-Indiana as a safety net.

Can't wait til Sunday. Got some serious ball-scratching to take care of.

Poll

If you had a little money and you wanted to turn it into a bunch of money, who would you bet on?

Michigan State -14

10 votes

Indiana +14

6 votes

Northwestern +2

21 votes

Penn State -2

14 votes

Wisconsin -14

19 votes

Illinois +14

9 votes

Michigan -3

10 votes

Purdue +3

8 votes

Ohio State -3.5

13 votes

Nebraska +3.5

1 votes

One of the over/unders that I'll tell you about in the comments.

6 votes

117 votes | Poll has closed

The Big Ten Betting Extravaganza: Week 5 - Keep it up

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Thu, 27 Sep 2012 03:39:37 -0000

Last week I decided to take all of the money I had accrued on the season and put it into the pockets of the Ohio State offense. Oddly enough, they were already full by the time I got there, so I had to stuff it into their shoes. Unfortunately, it seems that all of that money weighed them down on the field and they ended up looking like hippopotamus shit. Some people would really let a tough loss like this linger, but not me. I've already forgotten about it. I've learned to not get too fired up even when it's raining shit on me. I certainly wasn't standing on my couch, frothing at the mouth and calling Braxton Miller a "goat-fucking shit stain." I swear. In fact, this is what I looked like after UAB had returned a blocked punt for a touchdown and then kicked a field goal to go up 9-0:

Yes, that's fine. The line is 36.5 and you're down 9 points. That's great. Keep it up. You're doing a good job.

Anyway, maybe my poor choice last week was from lack of motivation. Maybe I realized that all the dick accessories that I wanted to buy weren't really viable. To be honest, I don't even know where they sell cock hats and motorbikes. So this week I've decided to set my sights on something a little more reasonable. You know, something I can use on a daily basis. This week, I'm playing for Tyranosaurus Rex heels.

I've already started constructing a scale model of Ames out of Legos.

Now that I've got an enteirely new level of focus, let's have a look at the grid:

Not the B1G:

So, I threw that last one in there because two of Iowa's previous opponents are playing each other and the one they beat is double-digit favorites over the one they lost to. I'm pointing this out just in case you needed confirmation that Iowa lost to a real shitpile of a team last week.

The danger zone:

With each passing week it seems a little less likely that Wisconsin is going to snap out of it and become the Big Ten Wrecking Crew that everyone thought they would be. You and Kirk Ferentz could argue that they haven't lost a game that matters yet, since the conference schedule is just getting started, but they also haven't covered a spread yet this year. Nebraska, on the other hand, is 3-1 ATS. Guess who the only other team in the Big Ten is who hasn't covered a spread yet. I'll give you a hint, it rhymes with Shmiowa Shmawkeyes.

A few words on Iowa:

LOL at Minnesota being undefeated and still a 7 point dog to 2-2 Iowa. I, for one, absolutely cannot fathom taking Iowa as a favorite at this point. I was expecting this line to move down this week, but apparently nobody thinks Minnesota is worth a shit. Not enough to put money on them, anyway. Must be some bettors out there that still believe in the magic of Kinnick. I've seen the O/U move to 47 in some places, which would be an implied score of 27-20 Iowa. That sounds great, but I certainly wouldn't bet on it. Especially considering that Minnesota has covered the spread vs Iowa 5 out of the last 6 times. Guess which year they didn't. I'll give you a hint. The spread has never been 56 points.

Don't forget the over/unders:

Penn State hasn't hit the over yet this year and hasn't really even come close. This trend isn't lost on the oddsmakers as they set it at 40.5, which is the lowest of the season for PSU. The only time Illinois has hit the over this year is when the other team beats the living piss out of them and almost hits the over themselves. This one is screaming under and if it happens, Vegas might have to put it at 17 for PSU next week.

Not buying it:

Northwestern is on roll, going 4-0 straight up AND against the spread so far this year. But if there's one thing you can never forget as a fan and as a gambler, they are still justNorthwestern. They're undefeated, playing at home, against maybe the worst team in the league and are favored by 11 points. This is exactly the type of game that these assholes end up losing straight up. And hopefully they do, because fuck Northwestern with the wrong end of a rake. Also, I'll take the under.

The pick:

Purdue to cover 16.5 vs Marshall. Yeah, it's the biggest spread on the board again, but Purdue is 3-0 ATS this year and they've done it convincingly every game. I'm chalking them up for a three touchdown victory and I'm preparing myself for some serious stomping.

Who do you like?

Poll

Which one of these is free money?

Penn State -1.5 at Illinois

23 votes

Illinois +1.5 vs Penn State

4 votes

Penn State - Illionis under 41.5

8 votes

Indiana + 11 at jNorthwestern

2 votes

jNorthwestern -11 vs Indiana

10 votes

jNorthwestern - Indiana under 59

3 votes

Marshall +16.5 at Purdue

3 votes

Purdue -16.5 vs Marshall

13 votes

Ohio St +3 at Michigan St

16 votes

Michigan St -3 vs Ohio St

4 votes

Ohio St - Michigan St under 43

11 votes

Wisconsin +12 at Nebraska

7 votes

Nebraska -12 vs Wisconsin

22 votes

Nebraska - Wisconsin under 50.5

8 votes

I don't know how to answer this poll, I'm just a cave man.

33 votes

167 votes | Poll has closed

The Big Ten Betting Extravaganza: Week 4 - Back to Back

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Fri, 21 Sep 2012 02:58:29 -0000

Two weeks ago I rode Michigan State into the sunset and last week it was Purdue that took to me to the promised land. That's a winning streak, ladies and gentlemen. Back to back. Just like these two assholes:

I realize the above device doesn't make sense, but it was either that or a screenshot of the "ass-to-ass" guy in Requiem for a Dream. I don't know why those were my only options but trust me, that was it. Anyway, now that my bankroll has quadrupled in size I can either purchase a dick motorcycle with a sidecar for my balls, or I can keep it rolling. Since there's not a lot of motorcycling room in my pants and because I don't trust my penis to wear a helmet, I'm going to push that money on to week 4. And with that, I give you the grid:

First Impressions:

I probably know as much about the Louisiana Tech NotTigers as the next guy, which is fucking nothing, so I can't help but wonder if they've done something amazing in the first couple games or if Illinois is actually worse than the average pile of suck they usually are. By looking at the over/under, I assume they can score points. And after writing that sentence I looked it up and yes, they do. They dropped 56 each on Rice and Houston. But hey, Illinois isn't exactly a slouch. Last week they won 44-0 against South Carolina. And by South Carolina, I mean Charleston Southern. This all adds up to a game I don't give a shit about.

Trying not to get hung up on last week:

Purdue easily covered the 24 against E Michigan, so this week the Eagles are getting 32 versus Michigan State. At first glance it seems reasonable to assume that any team Purdue beats by 24, MSU can one-up them and cheap-shot-injure enough of their players to beat them by 32. Plus, the offense has something to prove after being held to a field goal last week. But something doesn't feel right here. Kind of like grabbing a transvestite's crotch. Or so I've heard.

Don't forget about over/unders:

If I can't take MSU to cover, I certainly can't take the over. Take that statement and apply it to Wisconsin as well. Pretty much everyone else goes over, because the Big Ten is a murderous offensive juggernaut.

A few words on Iowa:

The line opened at 18 and the money hasn't stopped coming in on Central Michigan. By Tuesday it had dropped to 16. Yesterday it was 15.5. Now it's down to 14.5. If it hits 13.5, then I love it. Also, the Iowa under seems to be the Michigan over of 2010. I'll keep betting it until they can prove me otherwise.

The pick:

Ohio State to cover. That's right, I'm taking the biggest spread of the week and putting it in the hands of Toni Braxton Miller. More accurately, I'm putting it in the hands of the OSU defense to keep UAB in single digits and Urban Meyer to keep his foot on the gas in the 4th quarter. Here's to hoping he's the incredible dickhead I think he is.

Poll

What happens this week?

Wisconsin looks like shit. Doesn't cover or hit the over.

48 votes

Wisconsin is back. They win by 30+. Bielema eats an entire ice cream cake.

4 votes

Ohio State puts up about 50. UAB doesn't do shit.

9 votes

Ohio State can only score 34. UAB keeps it within 3 scores.

3 votes

Michigan wins outright.

20 votes

Michigan gets embarrassed again on the big stage.

22 votes

Temple covers, probably wins

14 votes

Penn State stops sucking and wins by double digits.

7 votes

Syracuse and Minnesota play football and nobody gives a shit.

53 votes

E Michigan loses by 49 points and makes me look stupid.

5 votes

You only picked this option because it was last and you were too lazy to read the others.

22 votes

207 votes | Poll has closed

The Big Ten Betting Extravaganza: Week 3 - We Got One

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Fri, 14 Sep 2012 02:58:44 -0000

We did the research. We wrote the business plan. We executed it word for word. We submitted our picks. We watched and we waited.

And it happened.

If you'll recall, I took Michigan State to cover 20 points, which they did with ease. Now comes the decision on whether to let that money ride or to buy myself something extravagant like a 10-gallon hat for my penis. Tough call, but as irresistible as women find a man wearing a dick hat, I'm feeling good about my decision-making process, so let's keep it rolling.

I was particularly impressed with my discipline to stay away from those easy-looking lines. Wisconsin and Nebraska traveled west to play what appeared to be inferior opponents receiving single-digit points. Look what happened. They shit the bed and on the pillows and the floor and some way over there on the dresser drawers. As bad as that sounds, I imagine it's not the first time Bielema and Pelini have woken up on a Sunday morning in a shit-filled room.

Enough about those two jizzdumps, let's have a look at the grid.

First Impressions:

Every Big Ten team is favored this week, which probably means that the conference is a world class wrecking crew. Also, Indiana is favored for the second week in row, which means they have a football team. Lastly, there are no lines for Iowa, which means they will win by 1275 points.

So this is what it's come to:

Wisconsin is only a 14 point favorite at home against a WAC team. Penn State is only a 7 point favorite at home against a service academy. Those are money bets in any year that's not this year. However, it is this year. Remember that. It will be useful information for another 3 months.

Don't forget about over/unders:

It's hard to root against touchdowns, but I would happily bet that Nebraska and Utah State are physically unable to hit 68 points. In fact, if I were strapped down and tickled in the face with Paula Deen's pubic hairs I would probably just take all the unders.

The pick:

Purdue covers the 24 points against Eastern Michigan. Normally I don't like Purdue to cover anything against anyone, but Eastern Michigan just got shit-rolled by an FCS team. A good FCS team, yes, but they still have 20 less scholarship players on their roster. (Hey, that's the theme for this weekend!) Give the points and starting shopping for a sweet new penis hat.

Poll

Where are you putting your money this week?

Nebraska -24

7 votes

Arky St +24

9 votes

Northwestern looking like assholes

84 votes

Wisconsin -14

12 votes

Utah State +14

4 votes

Paula Deen's pubic hair

36 votes

Purdue -24

4 votes

Eastern Michigan +24

1 votes

Ohio State -17

17 votes

California +17

3 votes

The overs

2 votes

Penn State -7

8 votes

Navy +7

7 votes

194 votes | Poll has closed

The Big Ten Betting Extravaganza: Week 2 - The picks hit the fan

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Fri, 07 Sep 2012 03:03:36 -0000

So last week's picks didn't exactly pan out.

I'm gonna chalk it up to being rusty. Haven't swung the old wrenches in awhile. Not to worry, I'll get my stroke back. Before we see what's on tap for this week, let's take a quick look at what went wrong.

First of all, I put a disclaimer on the MSU and Michigan games. Those were strictly me hoping for an outcome, not necessarily believing that it would actually happen. Penn State, on the other hand, is where my money went. And yeah, I get it, they've had attrition after an off-season of torrential shitpour, but I thought for sure they'd come out and do the opposite of suck on an ass the way they did. Anyway, they're fucked like a stray dog in Chinatown.

Clearly last week was just a warmup. Foreplay, if you will. Not that I know what foreplay is. Anyway, let's get down to business.

Favorites in bold:

First Impressions:

Indiana is favored by 14 points. In an away game. Playing football. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Seems easy...a little too easy:

Nebraska giving 5 to UCLA. The Bruins won 6 games last year. Yeah they played in the Pac-10 championship, but only because USC bought Reggie Bush a Ferrari and a diamond hat. Meanwhile, in their 7 losses they got outscored 122-310. They fired their dickweasel of a coach and replaced him with a guy named Mora, but not the "PLAYOFFS???" one. So we've established that UCLA is mediocre as fuck, but what about Nebraska? I'll be honest, it's tough for me to decide since I hate them like their last name is Fitzgerald. They've still got "AIDS on two feet" Martinez, so as long as they don't have to pass they should be fine.

Wisconsin laying 7 at Oregon State. That UNI game is weighing pretty heavily on this spread. The Beavers have knocked off a few highly-ranked teams in Corvallis in the past few years, but it's usually USC. I think the Badgers roll the fuck out of them, but something about this spread is disconcerning. Feels like stealing and I don't steal unless it's intellectual property.

Don't forget about the Over/Unders:

Vanderbilt and jNorthwestern seen like they can handle hitting over 54 points. Michigan State and Central Michigan don't seem like they're gonna figure out a way to score 48 total points. And Nebraska and UCLA seems like there's no fucking way they hit 61. Did I get that right? 61 points? Are you shitting me? Don't shit me.

The pick:

I'll take Michigan State to cover the 20. It's a lot of points, but I'm confident that once Dantonio gets a 21-point lead, he'll have has defense take turns faking spina bifida until the clock runs out.

Who ya got? Use the comments. If you're persuasive enough, I'll take your word for it and bet my hard-earned money on the suggestion of an internet stranger because internet strangers are my favorite kind of people.

Poll

What's the stupidest thing I said in this post?

I'll get my stroke back

42 votes

Indiana is favored by 14 points

95 votes

UCLA is mediocre as fuck

14 votes

the Badgers roll the fuck out of them

34 votes

Vanderbilt and jNorthwestern seen like they can handle hitting over 54 points

22 votes

I'll take Michigan State to cover the 20

32 votes

239 votes | Poll has closed

The Big Ten Betting Extravaganza: Week 1 - The Return

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Fri, 31 Aug 2012 15:27:49 -0000

It's back. Football is back. The Hawkeyes are back. Tailgating is back.

Oh yeah, and gambling is back. Time to dance the dance of life.

When I did this post two years ago I let you guys vote on who I should bet on. That went poorly. I'm not blaming the now you guys, I'm blaming 2010 you guys. This year I'm so excited (and unorganized) that I haven't decided on a true weekly format for this, but rest assured there will be spreads and over/unders and commentor polls and real money and making it rain and wave runners. So buckle up, and let's all turn into fucking millionaires and buy mansions next to each other.

I'd better mention that I'm just going to pull the lines from whatever site I feel like on a given week. There's very little consistancy here, so don't bust my balls about half points here and there. Also, I'm not an expert on anything except helicoptering my own dick, so if I tell you to take Indiana -28.5 and you end up losing money, guess whose stupidass fault that is. Remember we're just here for fun and entertainment and motherfucking wave runners.

Alright, let's quit pussydicking around have a look at those lines.

My biggest flaw in gambling (other than not knowing shit) is that I bet with my heart. My pick this week based soley on that is Michigan St to cover 6.5. I'm pretty much like "fuck Boise State" at this point, so I really want them to get completely piss-pounded into the turf in this game and every game. MSU looks like they're going to be tough this year, but those goddamn Boise smurfshits always seem to pull off some ridiculous win over a real opponent before spending the rest of the year trucking high school teams and crying about the BCS. Still, I like MSU.

The other game where I'd be betting with a handful of wishes is Michigan +14. If Michigan gets beat by more than that, I'm not turning on ESPN for a month for fear of seeing Skip Bayless gentley caressing Nick Saban's cock with his tonsils.

One of the most intriguing games is PSU - Ohio because there's going to be all eyes on Penn State to see how they come out of the gate this year. They lost their starting RB and couldn't get rid of their starting QB, neither of which bodes well for them. Also, Ohio is returning a QB that put up a combined 4000 yards last year. But in the end, the MAC is the MAC and even with some attrition, Penn State is obviously a more talented team. I just think that it's going to be such a emotional game for the players and fans that they'll come out and take care of business against a lesser opponent. Plus, if they don't...they are so very fucked.

By the way, jNW was a 1-point favorite on a couple sites and Syracuse was the favorite on others, so I went with a tossup. Usually I want Big Ten teams to fare well against other conferences, but it's just the Big East and justNorthwestern can eat my shit.

I've blathered on for long enough, let's see what you guys think.

I'm leaving Iowa off the poll, because they're gonna cover 10 with ease and you're all a bunch of homers. Also, in the interest of space I'm not putting every single option on there. If you see an over/under that you love, or you think Western Michigan is a money maker at +10, tell us about it in the comments.

Poll

What's the homerun pick this week?

Michigan St -6.5

19 votes

Penn St -6.5

16 votes

jNorthwestern to win

12 votes

Ohio St -24.5

11 votes

Illinois -10

4 votes

Nebraska -19.5

10 votes

Michigan +14

18 votes

Boise St +6.5

9 votes

Ohio +6.5

7 votes

jNorthwestern to lose

9 votes

Alabama +14

21 votes

136 votes | Poll has closed

HFMR's Summer Running Tour - Volume 1

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Wed, 11 Jul 2012 03:43:34 -0000

So, you may remember how last summer I lost a high stakes game of strip Uno to Vint and RossWB and rather than show them my kielbasa I took a plea deal instead and ran the Colfax Marathon wearing jean shorts and a BHGP t-shirt. Since I'm the kind of guy who never learns his lesson, I went in big again versus the Editors of the Pants and their suspiciously never-ending string of Draw Four's and once again I got very nearly nude. The fellas were chanting for sausage, but again decided (in a 2-1 vote) that I should represent in the marathon.

And so it was.

Unfortunately, my "Go Iowa Awesome" shirt fell off at mile 3.

I was told it would be a formal affair.

This is me pretending to jumpkick Tim Tebow in the dick while running through Mile High Stadium.

Let's see that in slow motion, 4000 times in a row:

And it wouldn't be a race if you didn't have a cold refreshment during the last 200 yards.

And finally, you can't participate in an event like this dressed as a complete asshole without letting people know who you are. That's why I decided to advertise my Twitter account right up on that money-making ass of mine.

Well, you know.....I decided to advertise somebody's Twitter account.

#FollowAdam_Jacobi

Iowa is still massively popular across Asia

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Tue, 01 May 2012 03:17:14 -0000

It appears as though Iowa's influence on Asian culture is rapidly spreading. The Hawkeye presence in South Korea has already been well-documented. It all started with the 9-headed sexbeast that is Girl's Generation and their video for OH! If you haven't seen it, it's basically 3 1/2 minutes of spank-bank gold with a gaggle of hot Asian post-teens kissing and squeezing a Hawkeye helmet.

Shortly thereafter, there was the Silver Fins video for a real piece of shit song called "Zooing." It's basically some dude who grew some nifty facial hair, learned to play a "G" and "E" chord repeatedly, wrote 7 total lyrics, went to the zoo with his girlfriend and recorded a video on a five dollar 0.5-megapixel camera. Having said that, he's wearing a Hawkeye t-shirt so it pretty much rules. Here's a picture of him singing to a Korean donkey, which accurately sums up the entire video.

Then we had this guy flying a jet over South Korea with the same Iowa hat my grandpa wore from 1980 to 1992 and a gnarly Stanzified fighter pilot helmet.

With all of that big Korean loving, the adwizards at blackheartgoldshirts released this masterpiece of modern shirtware.

And while that is definitely a picture of Japan on the t-shirt, it turns out to be a nice segue.

A co-worker of mine recently took his second trip to Japan. Now this guy sits 5 feet away from me and so he has to hear all of my "Hawkeye bullshit" all year long. It should be noted that I live in Colorado, so that's like some asshole at your job in Iowa telling you all about New Mexico State football when you clearly don't give a shit.

Anyway, about halfway through his trip I got a text with the photo below and this subject line:

"Tokyo Metro. You've got to be fucking kidding me."

An elderly Japanese man ponders life, existentialism, and what 2009 would have been like if Shonn Greene had stayed.

Since we'll never know the back story associated with this guy, we're going to just have to make one up.

I'd like to think he used to own a little store in a back alley in Osaka and one day an American came in and was browsing through the antiques and trinkets looking for the perfect souvenir to take home to his son and he came across a little furry singing creature and he tried to buy it, but the shop owner told him "mogwai not for sale," but then the guy offered him his Hawkeye hat and told him it had special powers and so the shop owner agreed and now he's been wearing the hat for like 20 years waiting for the special powers to appear and he's starting to think he got fucked over on the mogwai deal, but he's going to keep wearing it because the only other hat he has is a replica C3PO helmet.

What do you think?

Black Heart Gold Pants, The Video

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 04:18:59 -0000

Here's the backstory on this video. I put it together just over 3 years ago, shortly after Vint and Jacobi made the terrible decision to bring me aboard the Good Ship LollyPants. It was to be a glorious dedication to all things BHGP, but I never really found a good time to post it. Then a year later, I got ambitious and made a few updates...but then got busy with pizza and shower jerking, so the video remained unwatched by human eyes. Well, now your human eyes can finally gaze upon its beauty. It hasn't been updated in 2+ years, so the avatars are outdated and I'm not even sure all the blogs from the opening sequence even exist anymore. Plus, most of the the former BHGP Superfriends (Brewster, Zook, Paterno, Leman) aren't around anymore so I figured they needed one last farewell. Goodnight, sweet princes.

It's a little NSFW-ish thanks to a brief appearance from Miss Tigerhawk Nipples (2:35, ya pervs) and a little bit of poop here and there. Then again, I'm not even sure if poop is NSFW. Depends on your job, I suppose. Probably fine if you're a janitor. Also depends on how much poop, I bet. You'd probably get fired for watching 2 girls 1 cup even if you're a janitor. Having said that, there's hardly any poop at all in this video. There's a picture of Adam Weber holding a giant turd instead of a football and one of Brett Morse squatting over a dump on media day. Damn it, I've already said too much. Just forget I mentioned poop and think about something else. Anything else. Think about Bret Bielema's underwear after their 37-31 loss to Michigan State on the last play of the game. No, wait......damn it.

Annnnnd with that, I give you Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride's tribute to Black Heart Gold Pants past......

May the years to come be just as batshitastic.

Riley Reiff has tiny little arms

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 19:08:11 -0000

Our secret is out.

Iowa has been been trying to sneak tiny-armed players into the NFL for years now. Robert Gallery and Bryan Bulaga both had appendage short-comings, but we still tricked teams into using first round picks on them. Of course, the pinnacle of all our short-armed shenanigans came last year when we suckered the Titans into drafting Karl Klug and his tiny little arms.

So it looks like Riley Reiff is the most recent in a long line of stubby-armed Iowa players trying to get into the NFL. What we, as Iowa fans, have known for years has finally become public knowledge. Reiff had his measurements taken at the NFL combine and it's worse than we thought.

His arms are only 33 1/4" long.

That's the equivalent of getting measured for the NBA draft and finding out you're only 5' 2".

Having said that, I don't know why everyone is acting so surprised about this. Any good NFL scout should have been able to take one look at him and know he has short arms.

An unknown Iowa State player (because I don't give a shit enough to look him up) runs around Reiff's nub with ease.

After an interception by Michigan State, Reiff comically tries for a tackle.

"Hey guys, tiny five!"

How will this affect Reiff's draft position? Like gravity affects Charlie Weis. For comparison, Matt Kalil, the consensus top tackle out of USC, has 34 1/2 inch arms. It may not seem like a lot on paper, but the difference on the football field is impossible to deny. Here's a photo of Kalil in action:

The gloves are to protect his knuckles from turf scrapage.

If Reiff is getting out-armed like this by fellow members of his draft class, how is he going to compete against current NFL players? Michael Oher, who plays OT for the Ravens and I think was in a movie with Sandra Bullock about a cop who goes undercover and enters a beauty pagaent or something, has 33 1/2" arms. That's a full quarter inch difference. Any expert will tell you that football is a game of inches and that inches are made up of quarter inches. Riley Reiff has a long quarter inch to go if he wants to have arms as long as Oher, who I think was in a movie with Sandra Bullock about a bus that can't go under 55 mph or it explodes.

With the draft quickly approaching, The Reiffer has decided to work with strength and conditioning coach Chris Doyle using a machine that the Iowa staff developed when they discovered that Robert Gallery only had 32 1/2" arms:

Doyle's creation, which he calls "The Relaxafier"

Michael Oher, who I think was in a movie with Sandra Bullock about a guy who hit his head and got amnesia and then she pretended to be his fiance, used a similar device to get his arms to the desired offensive tackle length. As you can see, it has worked wonders for him:

Michael Oher, on the practice field. Not a scene from that movie he did with Sandra Bullock where she goes to rehab.

Best of luck to Riley Reiff in the future. May his arms be long, his draft stock high and may the wings of destiny carry him aloft to dance with the stars.

The League predicts a lopsided Insight Bowl

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 22:37:56 -0000

Do you guys watch The League on FX? You probably should. It's about five friends who live in Chicago and play in a fantasy football league. It's chalked full of witty banter and dick jokes, which is what I look for in a TV show. Scrotum.

However, I was watching a recent episode where they're discussing how it's weird watching football without having a vested interest and the cut-in shot was of the Insight Bowl featuring Iowa and Oklahoma.

And look at the fucking score:

31-0 just after halftime? Not sure whether to be pissed off or to be frightened that it will come to fruition. I found it intriguing that they went through the trouble of choosing a real 2011 bowl matchup and even got Oklahoma's ranking correct, but the team that was supposed to be Iowa looks like Georgia Tech or Navy. Then, whomever on the staff of the show who's in charge of making this fictitious shot had to decide on a score and they decided to make it a goddamn slaughter. Ass.

So what do you think? Is this a glimpse into the future? Let's do a prediction thread. In fact, let's predict the score at the time in the screen shot. With 14:23 left in the 3rd quarter, I'll say it will be 21-20, Iowa. So, suck it. Then Iowa goes on to score 8 unanswered touchdowns and wins 77-20. Mark it, dude.

As a side note, StoopsMyAss knows Paul Scheer (Andre in The League). Maybe we'll get lucky and he'll stop by and tell you about it. If you didn't know this already, StoopsMyAss has some fascinating stories.

Iowa vs Minnesota Preview: A Photo Essay

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 15:12:25 -0000

Final Score:

Iowa Hawkeyes - 38

Minnesota Gophers - 20

VIDEO: Pat Angerer Represents the United State of Iowa

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 01:13:28 -0000

Here's the video of Pat Angerer introducing himself on Sunday Night Football.

And with that, Pat Angerer has out-Iowa'd and out-America'd everyone on the planet.

Your move, Ricky Stanzi.

Consider this your game thread for Sunday Night Football, The World Series, Rugby World Cup finals replay, or whatever else you're into.

Iowa vs Indiana Preview: A Photo Essay

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 03:43:43 -0000

FINAL SCORE:

Iowa Hawkeyes: 31

Indiana Hoosiers: 13

Reason #178 to hate Northwestern: Purple Sucks

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 00:48:59 -0000

Seriously. Think about it. It's the worst color in the double rainbow. It's the "leftover" color that no one else wanted. There isn't anything good in the world that is purple. I've done the research. Here's the proof.

Eggplant. Worst vegetable there is. I would rather stick a banana pepper in my pee hole than eat an eggplant.

Plums. Worst fruit there is. Tastes like a peach that went through the laundry and gives you diarrhea.

Sea Urchins. Useless. Prickly little assholes of the sea.

Rain Gatorade. Terrible idea. Tastes like bathroom spray. Hopefully they've had the sense to discontinue this shit.

Grimace. Fat furry blob trying to sell greasy fast food to kids. Real asshole move there, Grimace.

Justin Bieber. The Oracle loves purple. Justin Bieber sucks worse than the worst sucking thing you can think of.

Tinky Winky. Listen, Jerry Falwell was a seriously insane piece of shit and this has nothing to do with sexual orientation. The simple fact is, Tinky Winky is a jerk.

Deep Purple. Every untalented fartbag in America that has ever picked up a guitar has played the intro to "Smoke on the Water." If I can play it, it sucks.

The Minnesota Vikings. Their team is turds-in-cleats and their fans dress one small step less-assholish than Raiders fans.

This obese woman smoking cowboy killers. She likes purple. Hey, are those Crocs? Yep. Perfect. Go Wildcats.

Mr. Doucher. A little-known Mr Men book about a stupid yelling dickhole football coach in Evanston.

Purple eye shadow. It's what whores wear.

Northwestern Football Practice: An Inside Look

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 03:15:58 -0000

Being an author on a polarizing sports blog such as this has plenty of perks. Glamorous parties, top shelf liquor and sex-crazed women aren't included in those perks but I thought it would be fun to write them in that sentence. No, the main advantage of being a part of Black Heart Gold Pants is ACCESS. I get to go places and hang out with people that I otherwise wouldn't be able to. Like the time I pounded gin and tonics with Ed Podolak and then we took a shit on Sue Coleman's windshield. That was awesome.

But it's not all fun and games. Sometimes I have to do real journalistic-type shit. This week was a perfect example. Somehow the guys got me a media pass to go watch an actual Northwestern practice as they prepared for their upcoming game against Iowa. I knew that this would be a great opportunity to see how Pat Fitzgerald got his team ready for a big game. I've always wondered how his team is able to bring such intensity into the Iowa game each year and I finally got to see it person.

I certainly wasn't disappointed.

Complete breakdown after the jump:

DID YOU SEE THAT? THEY GOT TO EAT HOT DOGS! FUCKING HOT DOGS! AND THEY SPUN AROUND LIKE ASSHOLES AND HAD A BIG FUN TIME! AND PAT FITZGERALD DANCED AROUND LIKE A GODDAMN DOUCHENOZZLE AND SERVED UP BIG SHITTY DOUCHE SANDWICHES FOR ALL HIS PLAYERS! THEN DAN PERSA AND MIKE TRUMPY STARTED EATING A DOUCHE SANDWICH AT OPPOSITE ENDS AND MET IN THE MIDDLE, WHERE THEIR LIPS GENTLY TOUCHED AND THEN THEY ACTED ALL SHY ABOUT IT! WHAT'S THAT? MIKE TRUMPY IS OUT FOR THE SEASON? WELL FUCK! I GUESS HE'LL JUST HAVE TO SIT ON THE SIDELINES AND NIBBLE ON SPICY DOUCHE SANDWICHES SERVED HOT AND FRESH AND PILED HIGH BY HIS COACH FOR THE ENTIRE YEAR! HEY IOWA, STOP LOSING TO THESE FUCKING ASSHOLES! I HOPE PAT FITZGERALD GETS FUCKED IN A DUMPSTER BEHIND ARBY'S BY AN ANGRY WILD BOAR! THEN I HOPE HE SLIPS IN STEAMY HUMAN SHIT AND BREAKS BOTH HIS SHINS! FUCK HIM! FUCK HIM WITH A FIRE HYDRANT! MAY THE DICKSWEAT OF A THOUSAND TRANNY HOOKERS FILL HIS MOUTH! PLEASE DON'T LOSE TO THIS ARROGANT CROTCH-PHEASANT FUCKHOLE AGAIN!

(sigh)

I'm sorry for yelling.

Feels good, though. You should try.

Iowa vs Penn State Preview: A Photo Essay

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 03:44:12 -0000

FINAL SCORE:

IOWA HAWKEYES - 20

PENN STATE - 16

Iowa vs Louisiana-Monroe Preview: A Photo Essay

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 05:03:45 -0000

Iowa vs Pittsburgh Preview: A Photo Essay

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 01:22:54 -0000

Threat Level: Wannstache

Final Score:

Iowa Hawkeyes: 24

Pittsburgh Panthers: 20

Iowa vs Iowa State Preview: An Internet Meme Essay

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Fri, 09 Sep 2011 04:24:48 -0000

FINAL SCORE:

Iowa Hawkeyes - 30

Iowa St. Cyclones - 13

Iowa vs Tennessee Tech Preview: A Photo Essay

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Tue, 30 Aug 2011 05:22:51 -0000

Final Score:

Iowa Hawkeyes - 38

Tennessee Tech - 10

Players to watch for in 2011: Derek Moye - Penn State

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 04:40:06 -0000

With the season fast approaching, it's time to take a look at Iowa's schedule and profile one opposing player who could be an important factor in each game.

Date: October 8

Team: Penn State

Player: Derek Moye

What you need to know:

Who is this jabroni?

He's a 6'5" 210 lb senior wide receiver from Rochester, PA.

What has he accomplished?

In the last two years, he has caught 101 passes for 1670 yards and 14 touchdowns. Holds a career average of over 16 yards per reception. Got third place in a karaoke contest at a local bar for his surprisingly decent rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody. He once sucked a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose. Sort of knows how to change a tire.

Why should you be concerned about him?

When he was 9, his dog was run over by an Iowa fan. Total accident, but he has never forgotten.
Looks like he could rock a pretty sweet faux-hawk if he wanted to.
Spent the entire off-season choreographing an elaborate touchdown dance for this game.

Why should you not be worried about him?

Guys named Derek are never that good at anything.

What is the most likely outcome?

He looks like he has pretty good hands, so BHGP was forced to plant a spy at PSU's practices and secretly replace all the footballs with things that no one in the world would ever want to catch.

A cactus:

A cartoon bomb:

More after the jump...

Poison Ivy:

A very hairy ass:

A placenta:

Guy Fieri's head:

A Coldplay album:

At this point, I'm pretty sure he'll be gun-shy enough to get the fuck out of the way of anything thrown in his direction for the rest of his life.

Predicted Stat Line: 16 targets, 0 touches. Pretty good if it were a dodgeball game.

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Previous Installments:

Players to watch for in 2011: Royce Bonenberger - The Summit

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 04:31:12 -0000

With the season fast approaching, it's time to take a look at Iowa's schedule and profile one opposing player who could be an important factor in each game.

Date: October 1
Team: Bye
"Player:" Royce Bonenberger

What you need to know:
Who is this jabroni?
He's a 5' 10" 170lb bartender from Libertyville (or whatever northern Chicago suburb you want), IL

What has he accomplished?
Made up a fake resume claiming he had 2 years of bartending experience at Mickey Finn's. Luckily, his fratbro was the hiring manager so it didn't really matter but he wanted to cover all his bases. He's mastered the art of the long pour for the ladies and serving straight Diet Cokes to the GDI's. He is capable of eye-fucking a girl on the other side of the bar while over-charging some dude who looks like a weak tipper. Has a keen ability to look straight past some guy who has been waiting for 25 minutes so he can serve the hot chick standing behind him. Holds single-night record for fist bumps with 174.

Why should you be concerned about him?

Once made a cocktail so strong that it got Riley Reiff drunk enough to run shirtless through Pita Pit while evading police officers.
Secretly put so much alcohol into Shaun Prater's Coca-Cola that he got a DUI.
Tricked James Ferentz into getting a Possession of Alcohol Under the Legal Age. In fact, the sneaky fucker got him again 6 months later.
Lured Jewel Hampton into a bar and got him a ticket for being underage while simultaneously serving Jordan Bernstein enough booze to make him uncooperative with police.

I have to stop now because CycloneFanatic.com just reached a collective climax into their shorts.

Why should you not be worried about him?

He's not working that weekend because he's driving to St Louis to catch a Dave Matthews Band concert on Friday night. Dave Matthews Band fucking rocks. Also, Dane Cook is performing at the Fox Theatre and he knows a guy down there that might be able to get him tickets, so he may stick around for that. It's not a guarantee, but he's totally going to check it out. That would be so badass.

What is the most likely outcome?
Kirk Ferentz breaks all of his teeth by stuffing that shitty new Cy-Hawk Trophy right down his fucking throat.

"You got iced,brah!"

Predicted Stat Line: 0 arrests

Previous Installments:

Players to watch for in 2011: Ken Dorsey - University of Louisiana Monroe

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 03:21:59 -0000

With the season fast approaching, it's time to take a look at Iowa's schedule and profile one opposing player who could be an important factor in each game.

Date: September 24

Team: University of Louisiana Monroe

Player: Ken Dorsey

What you need to know:

Who is this jabroni?

He's a 6-5 200 lb quarterback from Orinda, CA

What has he accomplished?

What hasn't he accomplished? He's completely rewritten the school record book. He has over 9500 passing yards, 86 touchdowns, 668 completions and 38 victories as a starting quarterback. He's passed for over 200 yards in a game 31 times, he once threw 193 consecutive passes without an interception, and went 31 consecutive games with a touchdown pass. Not exactly a lightweight.

Why should you be concerned about him?

He's a 2-time NCAA National Quarterback of the year
He's a 2-time Heisman finalist
Led the Miami Hurricanes to an undefeated regular season.
He was drafted in 2003 and played in the NFL for 5 seaso.....wait, what the fuck? None of this sounds right.

Why should you not be worried about him?

Because it's a different Ken Dorsey.
This one plays for U-LM
I don't even know what fucking position he plays.

What is the most likely outcome?

Marvin McNutt roasts him. Like, for real. He jams a goalpost up his ass and roasts him like a marshmallow.

S'mores time, bitches!

Predicted Stat Line: 1 tackle, 5 incomplete passes, 2 rushing yards, 1 missed field goal. (Seriously, I don't know what position he plays.)

Previous Installments:

Players to watch for in 2011: Brandon Lindsey - Pittsburgh

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Tue, 16 Aug 2011 16:46:40 -0000

With the season fast approaching, it's time to take a look at Iowa's schedule and profile one opposing player who could be an important factor in each game.

Date: September 17

Team: Pittsburgh

Player: Brandon Lindsey

What you need to know:

Who is this jabroni?

He's a 6-2, 250lb senior linebacker from Aliquippa, PA.

What has he accomplished?

In 2010 he led the Big East in tackles for loss and was second in sacks. Ranked 16th nationally in both categories. Can play with a hand down, or as a hybrid OLB.

Why should you be concerned about him?

He was 2nd Team All-Big East!

Why should you not be worried about him?

It's the fucking Big East.

What is the most likely outcome?

Riley Reiff will stuff him into his lower lip like a dip of chew.

Final Stat Line: 4 attempted tackles, 1 QB near-hurry, 1 almost pass-breakup