SB Nation User Blog: Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride

New Playbook

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 03:03:37 -0000

The Hawkeye defense is more than capable of shutting down Terrelle Pryor and the Buckeye offense. What we need to win this game is a little more offensive firepower. I understand that Ken O'Keefe doesn't like change, but we live together and if I can convince him that the Smurfs live inside his television, I can convince him to add a few wrinkles to the playbook this week. Specifically, I have 4 plays that I believe will consistently produce touchdowns. You heard me right. Four touchdown-scoring plays (TSP's) that I am going to share with you right here, right now.

I know what you're thinking. If I post these plays on the internet, the Ohio State coaches will inevitably see them as they troll BHGP for the next few days and then gameplan for them, but that's where you would be wrong. My TSP's are undefensatiable. So, fuck 'em.

Let's get to it.

I've heard some murmering in the comments about running a "Wildcat" formation. First of all, I don't ever fucking want to hear anyone call it the "Wildcat" again. I hate that fucking word. Maybe Florida International calls the I-formation "a clown getting fingerfucked by a midget." I don't care. It's still the I-formation. Let the Miami Dolphins call their dog and pony show the "Wildcat." I'll call it what it is. The fucking single wing. And that leads me to my first play.

We'll be using the 'spinner' variation of the single wing (seen here.) Vandenberg lines up directly under center with McNutt 6 yards deep and Wegher on the right.. DJK will line up at the left wing and Stross will be split wide right. The center snaps the ball through Vandenberg's legs, directly to McNutt, who spins left and with his back to the line of scrimmage fakes the ball to Wegher as he runs behind him. Wegher carries out his playfake to the right and McNutt hands the ball to DJK going in the opposite direction. While the Buckeye defense huddles back up to try to figure out what is happening to them, DJK streaks around the left side for however-many-yards-he-wants and a touchdown.

When we run that play again on our next offensive series, all 11 of those goofy bastards will be chasing DJK toward the sideline when they eventually realize that McNutt handed it to Wegher this time and he's galloped 80 yards down the opposite side of the field into the endzone. The best part about this formation is that we can run that crazy spinning shit all day long and the defense will never catch on. My high school won 3 state titles in 10 years running this shit, so clearly it will work in division I football as well. In fact, I'm pretty sure there are a couple of commentors on here that held up one of those trophies that can vouch for the infinite successfulness of the single wing.

After scoring touchdowns in this offensive set for the entire first half, McNutt will start to get dizzy from doing so much spinning, and we'll have to go back to the old bread and butter. A nice, easy run play. With a twist of awesome. Brandon Wegher will get to rest for a quarter and Adrian Clayborn will fill in at running back. This play practically diagrams itself:

This play we run until Clayborn's jersey is too OSU-blood-stained to stay in the game. At this point he goes into the locker room to change and we decide to tone it down and line up in a seemingly normal formation. The defense sighs with relief.

And then it happens:

Well feed me a bowl of toasted snail penises! It's the dreaded triple reverse!

Sure, teams have been able to contain our reverses, but I'd like to see anyone try to stop Vandenberg to Wegher to Stross to DJK to McNutt. Fuhgettaboutit. By the time Stross hands it to DJK, the Buckeye defense will be weeping over a pile of their own tangled panties. I only see the need to run this play once. Just to give the fans a show, you know.

At this stage in the game Iowa should have roughly 700 yards rushing and be up by 50 or 60 points, but since AP voters like to see some spectacular pass plays, I have one more TSP that we can run repeatedly the entire 4th quarter. I figure Vandenberg would be bored at this point anyway, so it will the perfect time to unleash the deathcannon inferno of an upper appendage that he possesses. From what i can tell, his arm is so powerful that it's difficult for him to throw the ball less than 45 yards at a time. This play will work around that minor flaw.

Nothing fancy here, folks. Just your run-of-the-mill tight-spiraling 70-yarder into the outstretched arms of a receiver in the back of the endzone. This is where we flat-out embarrass them. This is where we earn those style points that we so desperately need. This is where our freshman QB shows us why he was chosen as the successor to greatness. And this is where we make a new t-shirt*:

BHGP t-shirts speak only the truth

Think about it. You could be looking at our new game plan.

Or we could just stick with the smash-em-up-six-seconds-of-pounding-the-ball-down-their-fucking-throat offense combined with our cracking-skulls-together-bloodshed-carnage-and-deathblow-annihilation defense that has gotten us this far.

Cause that could work too........

*t-shirt not availble

Donahue Has Just One Question

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 06:02:00 -0000

According to the SI article , during a tv timeout after the 3rd quarter in the Indiana game, Ricky Stanzi was asked a simple question by a man who has made a career out of asking questions:

Donahue walked over to his quarterback, leaned down and said, "Ready for the greatest quarter of your life?"

Stanzi, who with four picks had just experienced the worst quarter of his life, looked up and replied, "Absolutely."

Now I don't know why Emmy-winning talk show host Phil Donahue was even at the game, much less on our sidelines, but I don't care. All I know is that he brought out the best in our quarterback that day and thus we are indebted to him.

Godspeed, Donahue

Dear Northwestern Fan

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 03:56:45 -0000

[Re-bumped from last year, just for the commenting shit-show that ensued. This is why you're just Northwestern.--OPS]

------------------------------

[Bumped. Northwestern may as well petition to get into Super Bowl XVI.--OPS]

Quit being foolish. Your team is not going to the Outback Bowl. And to be perfectly honest, if I was the Alamo Bowl I would take Wisconsin before NU. Then if I was the Champs Sports Bowl I would be super pissed that I got stuck with Northwestern.

In fact, if there was a Ditka Bowl presented by Rosario's Italian Sausage and it was played ON YOUR HOME FIELD, there's a decent chance that your team would not get invited.

And listen, it's not even so much your team. They did what they needed to do in order to put themselves in this position. Congrats to them. They may be the worst 9-3 team in the nation/history of football, but by god they're 9-3. High fives all around.

The inherent problem is that you're smart. Maybe too smart. You KNOW that they're the worst 9-3 team in the nation/history of football and you KNOW that no matter what bowl game they are gifted that you are not going to it. In fact, you probably won't even bother to watch it on tv. Sure you'll be on winter break, but that's the best time to get a head start on the reading for your Biomedical Engineering classes next semester.

I don't need to tell you this, do I? You're smarter than me. You probably know all of this. I just want to get it out in the open so that when your team gets jumped for a bowl, you're not surprised and you don't complain.

You're not going to be all that upset anyway, are you? If you're really fired up about it you might write a well-versed and grammatically-correct letter with a number of bullet points to the selection committees, but I think that will be good for you. Therapeutic even. Just don't mention things like "attendance" and "quality wins" because that would be counterproductive to your argument.

Christ, listen to me......trying to tell you how to write a letter. Ridiculous. You know how.

Actually, you might be able to make the argument that the game against Iowa was a quality win, since technically your team WAS on the field when Iowa beat themselves, but I wouldn't push your luck......you have too many empty seats for that.

Sincerely,

HFMR

PS - In case you're wondering that last picture isn't a scrimmage or band practice or something like that. It's an actual photo of Ryan Field during a football game.

Pick 6 - Week 10: It sucks when you lose real-life money

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 05:01:31 -0000

Welcome to this week's Pick 6, where we analyze the lines for the weekend's Big Ten games and each pick 6 of our favorite bets. It's highly scientific. It's easy money. It's just for fun. So, clearly we are not responsible for you losing your ass off if you take our advice.

First let's take a look at last week's results:

The Week 9 Awesome-Fish Chart of Wins:

First things first, please excuse the ultra-shitty Pick 6 fanshot from last week. My mom was in town and she believes that the internet is the work of satan, so I was forbidden to use it for most of the week. I had said that the first person to leave their 6 picks in the comments would be the guest picker for that week and it seemed that BHGP newbie Tmo87 had beaten everyone to the punch. Unfortunately he chose 7 picks and being the stickler for the rules that I am, I had to award the coveted guest picker of the week award to twsmith23. The only consolation to Tmo87 is that now I won't be ridiculing his 1 correct pick....so congrats on that.

Unfortunately allowing twsmith23 into the ring turned out to be a mistake because he managed to pull 3 correct picks out of his ass to beat the BHGP experts (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA). Needless to say, this was a tough week of betting. A co-worker of mine was in Vegas last weekend, so I asked him to drop money for me on the 3 bets that I thought were un-fucking-losable: the Iowa under, MSU to cover vs Decker-less Minnesota, and Michigan to cover against the shitholiest team in the Big Ten. Ugh. Fuck my face.

On a more positive note, the guest pickers have pushed their "locks" to 7-0. I know nobody wants to be the one to fuck that record up. So with that.....this week's guest picker is FossilHawk, who in case you haven't noticed is the one who has been putting together the brilliant game in pictures post each week and also coined the phrase, "Fuck you, we're Iowa." Thanks for being here, FossilHawk, and I wish you the same amount of luck as I wish upon Mike Kafka. So without further nothingness, the grid:

Look at those big, beautiful, bold locks flapping in the wind, holy geez I wanna lick 'em.

As always, feel free to tell us why our picks are destined to fail and post your own below.

Overall Standings

Poll

What outcome from last week is likely to not happen again for the rest of the season?

"It's funny sometimes," linebacker Pat Angerer said. "It doesn't really matter what those guys say....

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 16:48:16 -0000

"It's funny sometimes," linebacker Pat Angerer said. "It doesn't really matter what those guys say. I could beat up the majority of them, so I could care less."

Hawk Central

Pick 6 - Week 8: Somebody got lazy. You'll notice that there is no guest. First person to put...

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 13:47:42 -0000

Pick 6 - Week 8: Somebody got lazy. You'll notice that there is no guest. First person to put their 6 picks, including their lock, into the comments is the guest picker for the week. Yay!

New Cambus Schedule

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 04:08:37 -0000

In response to a string of injuries in the Hawkeye's backfield, the University of Iowa has tentatively decided to change the Cambus schedule this coming Saturday. Ordinarily, the Oakdale bus would pick up passengers at the VA loop at 10:45 am, continue to Student Health at 10:47 and then make its way to the Oakdale lot around 11:06 am.

Instead, the Oakdale route has been ommitted in order to make room for a new bus, which will be driven by Brad Rogers. Just after kickoff, "The Cambus" will begin pick up at various points on the field and drop off passengers in the opposing endzone. This route will be repeated into the afternoon. Oakdale service will resume on Sunday.

All aboard, motherfuckers.

Pick 6 - Week 8: It Had to Happen Sooner or Later

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 04:08:15 -0000

First let's take a look at last week's results:

The Week 7 Baldwins Chart of Wins

So it finally happened. Our guest picker came out on top this week. Hawkaloogie hit 5 out of 6 picks, missing only on the OSU/Purdue Over. Congratulations big guy, and may Hurricane Rick lodge a two by four deeply in your rectum. In order to make sure this never happens again, I have invited Buddy Light to pick this week. And so far, it's looking promising. Here's the grid:

In case you're not sure, the answer is yes....Buddy Light actually picked a push on the Iowa-MSU over/under. Stupid? Ballsy? Maybe. But no one ever fucks with with the stupidest, ballsiest guy in the room. He said he had a good feeling about 27-16. Plus, he added, "why the fuck not?" I dare you to try to argue with that logic. I say we give him 6-1 odds. Overall standings and trends after the jump.

OVERALL WINS (out of 36)

TRENDS:

Oops Pow Surprise
- has taken Indiana to cover 3 times and is 3-0
- has taken jNWU to cover 4 times and is 1-3
- is 6-1 on bets involving Indiana
- 4-0 on locks
Hawkeye State
- has taken the Michigan Over 4 times and is 3-1
- has taken Iowa to cover 3 times and is 3-0
- is 1-4 on bets involving jNWU
- 1-3 on locks
Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride
- has taken the Iowa Under 4 times and is 2-1-1
- has taken the Illinois Under 3 times and is 3-0
- is 1-4 on bets involving Wisconsin
- 3-1 on locks
RossWB
- has taken the Ohio State Under 4 times and is 3-1
- has taken the Minnesota Over 3 times and is 3-0
- is 1-4 on bets involving Wisconsin
- 2-2 on locks
Guests
- have taken the Iowa Under 4 times and are 2-1-1
- are 2-4 on bets involving jNWU
- are 2-4 on bets involving Indiana
- are 2-4 on bets involving Purdue
- 5-0 on locks

Think you can do better? Put your picks in below....

Pick 6 - Week 7: Our darts are flying straight

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 03:15:51 -0000

First let's take a look at last week's reults:

The Week 6 Cup Size Chart of Wins:

Actually, those look like Big Macs

A couple of our consensus picks lost badly - Wisconsin couldn't cover 16 and Indiana lost by the circumference of Pam Anderson's growler. However our lack of confidence in Purdue and jNWU paid off nicely. Thanks to three and out the kok story, who put a respectable coin-flipping effort at .500. He told me beforehand that he was hoping for 6-0 or 0-6 and none of this 3-3 bullshit...but no such luck.

This week I'm bringing someone to the table who taught me that when you go out driving with a case of beer, the passenger is responsible for out-drinking the driver to the tune of 13 to 11*. Thanks, Hawkaloogie, that's sage advice. And now.....the GRID:

(Click it for an enlargified view)

If it's in bold and all caps, that means we went to the future and saw it happen.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that all the picks for jNWU is moreso due to the lack of respect for Michigan State than anything else. Ohio State was a popular pick, which makes sense because they've been killing the spread all year. Everyone was split on Minnesota-Penn State because of the big spread and Indiana-Illinois because holy buttfuck who cares. Maybe you can help us out on those.

OVERALL WIN PERCENTAGE

*Never drink and drive

Poll

With absolutely no knowledge of their opponent, which bet would you most likely take?

Ohio State to cover

13 votes

Iowa and the under

30 votes

Michigan and the over

8 votes

jNWU's opponent to cover

3 votes

Wisconsin and the under

2 votes

Illinois's opponent to cover

23 votes

Penn State's opponent to cover

3 votes

82 votes | Poll has closed

Pick 6: Week 6 - The Horror

Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 17:46:44 -0000

First let's take a look at last week's reults:

The week 5 chart of evolution

I don't even know what to say at this point. I guess I'll blame Michigan just because fuck them. On a positive note, we hit 5/6 of our locks. That's like 99%. Like I said, easy money.

I'd like to thank HoyaGoon and YouCanPutYourEddsInIt for putting up subpar numbers, but it would have been nice for one of them to have gone 0-6. No worries, I'm thinking we have a shot at it this week. Three and out the kok story brings his wealth of knowledge and assholish screen name to the table. Let's get it on. THE GRID:

Quite a few very popular picks this week. That can't be good. You may have also noticed that I picked Michigan, but before you kill me with your keyboard let me be clear that I think Iowa will win by 4-7 points. Just not 8. Once again: Iowa to win, Michigan to cover.

In fact, here is exactly what I think will happen:

It just doesn't seem fair...

So much for foot speed, dickbag.

OVERALL STANDINGS:

Poll

Which nearly consensus pick is most likely to lose?

Minnesota -3.5 vs Purdue

38 votes

Indiana +6.5 at Virginia

29 votes

Wisconsin +16 at Ohio State

61 votes

Miami +19.5 at jNWU

14 votes

142 votes | Poll has closed