[Earlier editions of the Pro Combat series can be found here: Iowa, Indiana, Michigan,Nebraska,Wisconsin,Minnesota,Illinois,Purdue]

Sparty has always been green, but this year the team will be going the extra mile for the environment by wearing the first uniforms made entirely from recycled products. The new outfits, produced in collaboration with Nike, feature helmets, shirts, pants, socks and shoes that all belonged at one time or another to the University of Michigan.

"In these tough economic times, it is essential that America's public institutions economize," said Nike head designer Christopher Polyblend. "In the case of Michigan State, it was actually mandated by the state. The budget given to me for the original University of Michigan Pro Combat designs was the standard $100,000; for Michigan State, the legislature allocated $64.31. So obviously we had to get creative."

The gloves accompanying the uniforms raise money for the rare and incurable disease, Jerel Worthy Vertigo Syndrome, which struck down several players, including the eponymous Worthy, during last year's MSU-Iowa game.

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[Earlier editions of the Pro Combat series can be found here: Iowa, Indiana, Michigan, Nebraska,Wisconsin,Minnesota,Illinois; Tip of the hat to hawk6894 for his help with this design.]

Over the years, football has managed to extend its appeal to a variety of demographics: females, teens, female teens, minorities, soccer moms, lacrosse step-dads, and even South Korean pop super groups. But there has always been one demographic that has escaped the clutches of football advertisers: toddlers. That will change this fall when Nike unveils the first college football uniforms designed specifically for children under three. The sporting apparel giant will team with Purdue University and the publishing house Random House to produce a set of Thomas the Tank Engine-themed Pro Combat designs for the Boilermakers for the team's first annual "Kid's Day" on September 29th.

"Football is a violent, confusing sport, even for experienced fans, so you can only imagine what it's like for a two or three year-old," said Nike head designer Christopher Polyblend. "For the most part, kids at football games are more concerned with losing sight of 'Dada' or figuring out why that 50 year-old man is hurling spittle-flecked epithets at the referee, rather than actually watching the action. These kids barely look at the field, except when the mascot makes an appearance."

Polyblend explained that the aversion of small children to football is costing the sport millions in lost revenue. "Think of all the young parents who would like to go to games, but know that it will just be a nightmare of 'can we go yet?' and 'can I have another ice cream cone?' If those kids look out on the field and instead of seeing gladiatorial bloodsport see the friendly smiling face of Thomas the Tank Engine, they might just stay until the end of the third quarter."

The gloves accompanying the uniform honor the consensus best Mr. Conductor ever, Ringo Starr

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[Earlier editions of the Pro Combat series can be found here: Iowa, Indiana, Michigan, Nebraska, Wisconsin,Minnesota]

Methamphetamine: a drug that is spreading like wildfire across Big Ten country, a drug that addicts countless individuals, destroying their minds, bodies and souls, and, hopefully, a drug that will hopefully be causing a little less destruction in Illinois next year thanks to an awareness-raising new uniform by Nike.

"We discovered two things during our research about Illinois," said Nike head designer Christopher Polyblend. "First: central and southern Illinois is absolutely crawling with meth labs, and second: meth manufacturers tend to be very lax about safety."

"Seriously, it's as if they have no respect for the chemistry at all."

The new uniforms will demonstrate good lab safety habits to the thousands of meth producers, or "cooks", inevitably in the viewing audience during an Illinois game, said Polyblend. "The rubber gloves, the ventilation mask, the Haz-Mat suit: all of these things are necessary to protect from chemical burns, incapacitation and even death. It's a sad testament to the decline of science education in this country that more crank producers don't enforce proper safety protocols, but we hope to do our bit to change things for the better."

The gloves accompanying the new uniforms emphasize the importance of mobile lab safety

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[Earlier editions of the Pro Combat series can be found here: Iowa, Indiana, Michigan, Nebraska, Wisconsin]

Maroon and gold are out and the purple reign has begun: the University of Minnesota announced today that they would be undertaking a complete redesign of their uniforms. The new look will center around the style and music of Minneapolis native Prince, and will amount to a total reimagining of the Golden Gopher brand.

"Minnesota had a good run with Goldy Gopher," said Nike head designer Christopher Polyblend, "but let's face it, the 1934-36 dynasty was a long time ago. I mean, the team's last bowl win was in 2004. We at Nike figured: Let's go crazy, let's get nuts, let's look for the purple banana-- why not?"

The new uniforms feature Prince's trademark purple jacket from the album and film Purple Rain, knee-high leather platform cleats, and a lace shirt open to the navel. The design omits several traditional safety features, such as padding for the sternum and clavicle, but Polyblend believes the sacrifices are necessary in order to capture the essence of Minnesota culture.

"When one thinks of Minnesota, what comes to mind? For most people, the answer is obvious: raw, unbridled sexuality." said Polyblend. "Dance, music, sex, romance -- all of that. Just dirty, filthy, near-pornographic stuff. The kind of borderline obscene material found in so much of Prince's music."

The gloves accompanying the uniform honor head coach Jerry Kill, and can also be used to perform a terrific Señor Wences routine

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Hey everyone. I am moving to the great city of Des Moines in the next month and was wondering if I could ask some advice from any readers who either live there now or have lived there in the past: where would you recommend living? I've been looking at the Beaverdale/Ingersoll area, but have also heard Sherman Hill is nice. Also, if there are any definite places to avoid, that would be good to know.

Thanks in advance!

As you may have heard, Don Nelson will walk across the stage at Carver-Hawkeye arena this weekend and receive his undergraduate degree in physical education, 50 years after leaving the University of Iowa to pursue a professional career in basketball. What you haven't heard, though, is the story of how the 71 year-old Nelson completed the necessary credits for his bachelor's degree. It's a story 50 years in the making, a story of breathtaking scientific achievement, self-sacrifice, and bold self-experimentation; it's the story of Nelson's development of his own, revolutionary regimen for overall health and well-being, the Sports & Coaching Osteopathic Training Course for Health.

The grain of an idea

The scene was Iowa City, 1962. A young Don Nelson was wrapping up the second of two All-American seasons as a forward on the Iowa basketball team when a friend dragged him into the Airliner Bar and introduced him to a health supplement that would revolutionize the world of health and fitness: Scotch whisky.

"The first Scotch that friend introduced me to was, I believe, Dewars," said Nelson in a recent interview. "In retrospect, not a very good whisky, but at the time it was revolutionary for me. I don't remember much about the rest of that night, but the first electric taste of that fiery nectar of the gods triggered something in my brain. And that's why I'm standing here before you 50 years later, about to become a college graduate."

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The scene: a neon-lit roadhouse on the outskirts of a small Wisconsin town. It's a warm night in late September and the jukebox is playing Nazareth as the Badgers crush some non-conference foe on the big screen. A man strides in wearing camouflage pants, a Leinenkugel hat and the most glorious screen-printed nature t-shirt known to man, causing the men to choke on their beer in awe and the women to drop their mozzarella sticks out of sheer animal lust. It is this common Wisconsin tableau that Nike attempted to capture in their new Pro Combat design for the team.

"We wanted the uniform to be a celebration of Wisconsin culture, and so naturally we made the centerpiece of the design a totally boss screen-printed t-shirt," said Nike head designer Christopher Polyblend. "Luckily we found a local artist who really managed to incorporate all the key elements that go into a great nature t-shirt: a majestic animal, trees, a few wispy clouds, the moon -- all that shit."

Polyblend elaborated on the importance of the screen-printed nature shirt in Badger culture: "As I understand it, this type of shirt is a very special ceremonial garment for a Wisconsinite. They wear it to hunt and fish, they wear it on their wedding day, and of course they wear it when they are inevitably felled in a hunting, fishing or snowmobiling accident."

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We don't have much call to review board games here at BHGP, but when I came across this copy of "Hawkeye- Mania" at a yard sale, I had to make an exception. Let's dive in, shall we, and play the most popular University of Iowa-themed trivia game of 1984!

The Board

There's a striking resemblance between the board of Hawkeye-Mania and that of Trivial Pursuit. The resemblance is so striking, in fact, that one might hypothesize that Time Check, Inc., the maker of Hawkeye-Mania, simply ripped off Trivial Pursuit in an attempt to cash in on the Trivial Pursuit-Mania that gripped the nation in 1984. The fact that Hawkeye-Mania is copyrighted 1984 would seem to support this theory.

There are five four categories of questions for players to choose from: Football, Round Ball Sports, Potpourri, and University of Iowa. This confirms that even in 1984, Iowa was distinctly a football school, with all other sports relegated to "Round Ball Sports" and "Potpourri".

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[Earlier editions of the Pro Combat series can be found here: Iowa, Indiana, Michigan]

The 1990s: an era universally recognized as the apex of American culture, an era when Nirvana broke down the doors of the music industry, when CompuServe and Prodigy brought the miracle of internet message boards into homes everywhere and when Pepsi was, for a brief, miraculous time, clear. Most importantly, it was an era when Nebraska football reigned supreme. To celebrate the dominance of the Cornhuskers in that illustrious decade, Nike is introducing ProCombat uniforms that recall the days when Nebraska was really good at football.

"Nebraska fans are largely stuck in a state of permanent nostalgia for the days when Tom Osborne roamed the sideline, so I thought it was appropriate to incorporate several classic '90s element in the design," said Nike head designer Christopher Polyblend. "It was a bit tricky from a logistical standpoint -- we had to get permission from several corporations before we could go ahead: Vuarnet, Zubaz, Doc Martens, HyperColor and, of course, Mr. Adam Duritz -- but I think the final effect was worth it."

"We think we really captured an era when Nebraska was great at football, and when America apparently didn't care so much about how it looked."

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Nike head designer Christopher Polyblend was mystified: why hadn't the University of Michigan football team ever developed a uniform that referred to its namesake Logan -- a.k.a. "Wolverine" -- from the X-Men series of comic books and films. "It just made no sense to me: you name your team after this iconic figure of comic book lore and then you do nothing to reflect his distinctive style in your apparel. I mean, I guess that helmet kind of looked like his cowl, but you really had to squint."

"At least they got the colors mostly right."

Polyblend set out to remedy the situation with his new Pro Combat design for 2012, adding several elements from the brooding be-sideburned superhero to Michigan's traditional maize and blue uniforms.

"This is more the Wolverine of Dave Cockrum's Giant-Size X-Men #1 rather than of the recent Hugh Jackman movies," elaborated Polyblend. "I figured that's when the school must have adopted the mascot -- I mean, how could they have come up with that name before the character first appeared in the 1970s? -- so I thought I'd stick with the design from that era. Although trust me, I'm a fan of Logan from any era."

The gloves accompanying the uniform honor the 2009 film X-Men Origins: Wolverine, starring Hugh Jackman, Liev Schreiber and Taylor Kitsch.

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Building on the popularity of Iowa's recent barnyard-themed uniforms, Nike has announced that it will be giving the
Pro Combat to each school in the Big Ten. The roll-out starts today with new uniforms for Indiana University and will continue intermittently over the course of the next two weeks.

"These Midwesterners just went cuckoo bananas over the Iowa uniforms," said Nike head designer and Greek expatriate Christopher Polyblend, "so we decided to bestow new, regionally-specific uniforms for each school. I am a busy man, however, so the designs will be based on the whatever scraps of news or broad stereotypes about the schools that I encounter."

Polyblend explained his new design for the Hoosier football team in a teleconference from his glass design sphere in Beaverton, Oregon: "The one thing I know about Indiana people is that they love basketball. Love basketball. I saw this movie with Gene Hackman on TV the other night about a group of scrappy underdogs who overcome, and it really inspired me. And if I hadn't seen The Replacements that night, I might never have looked up Hoosiers and been keyed in to the whole Indiana-basketball thing. From there it only took a quick scan of the Indiana sports blogs to see that enthusiasm for the school's basketball team was tremendous."

"The enthusiasm for the football team was less so."

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The Hawkeyes are going into combat -- Pro Combat, that is. Nike has announced that the company will be producing a version of the hyper-stylized uniforms in connection with the Iowa's "America Needs Farmers" game against Penn State on October 20th.

"When you think of Iowa, you think of farmers," said Nike head designer Christopher Polyblend. "So our challenge was to combine the vaguely futuristic, Tron Legacy-esque look of the Pro Combat brand with the traditional agricultural values of a state where, as I understand it, 99% of the residents spend their days covered in hog shit."

"We think we pretty much nailed it."

The gloves that will accompany the Iowa Pro Combat uniforms promote farm safety.

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*

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Keenan Davis absolutely destroys his 1922-era opponents in this BHGP simulation of the upcoming contest.

In the latest twist to the "throwback" craze, the University of Iowa has announced that their football team will be playing, and absolutely destroying, teams imported directly from earlier eras. The school announced today that, in addition to wearing 1922-era throwback uniforms in their game against Iowa State, the team will also face off against (and brutally destroy) the 1922 Drake University football team on September 1st. The Bulldog team, coached by the legendary Ossie Solem, will be brought back through time via what UI athletic director Gary Barta called a "HawkGate."

"It was a matter of economics," stated Barta. "Last year we paid Louisiana-Monroe $1.05 million to come play us, and while we won, that victory did not do much to raise our team's profile or improve their computer ranking. By investing only slightly more in this time travel equipment, we will be able to bring in historically great teams from a variety of eras. This should guarantee an interesting game experience for the fans, as well as improving our standing in the all-important computer rankings."

"Oh yeah, and we are going to absolutely bulldoze these chumps."

UI computer science graduate student James Spader explains the operation of the "HawkGate"

The 1922 Bulldog team finished 7-0 and is widely recognized as one of the top teams of the era. The match-up will allow football history buffs to settle the age-old question of what would have happened if the 1922 Iowa Hawkeye team had actually played the Drake team. The two schools had a game scheduled, but the University of Iowa canceled their game, allowing both teams to finish the season with undefeated records.

"Drake has always been a bit sore that we canceled that game and avoided a conclusive contest. Well, we're going to give it to them this fall. Boy, howdy, are we going to give it to them."

The Drake team was considered a strong team for its era, but will be hampered by its ignorance of modern football techniques, lack of strength training, and by the fact that its heaviest player was 210 pounds.

"Man oh man is it going to be a bloodbath," added Barta, visibly salivating at the thought of Iowa's 280-pound defensive linemen tossing the antiquarian footballers aside like so many tackling dummies. "They haven't heard of the cover-2 defense, zone blocking, or the downfield passing game. Heck, I bet the end around and the bubble screen will even work against them. They will be like little children encountering all this stuff for the first time. It's going to be beautiful."

The technology for the breakthrough was provided by a collaboration between the UI Athletic Department and world-famous Hollywood actor and weirdo James Spader. "I met Mr. Spader while we were both wandering through Oakland Cemetery, waiting for the Black Angel to come to the life, when he pointed out a strange arch-shaped memorial," said Barta. "He told me: 'you know that thing was designed to bring back old-timey football teams from the past, right?' Needless to say, I was intrigued."

Spader and Gary Barta prepare to test the "HawkGate" earlier this spring

After a generous $5 million donation from the Athletic Department and months of research, Spader's team finally found success, bringing back a visibly confused Fielding Yost on March 13th. Shortly thereafter, Barta made the trip back to 1922-era Des Moines, posing as Chet Jones, a supposed older brother to Iowa coach Howard Jones, and convincing the Drake coaching staff to agree to a decisive game in Iowa City. "They think they're playing the 1922 Hawkeyes, so they may be a bit surprised when they walk out and find themselves facing a crowd of 75,000 and a field full of man-mountains that run 4.5 40s", said Barta as he wiped a fleck of foam from the broad grin affixed to his face.

In this series we look back at a few of my entries in the Iowa Corn trophy contest that failed to make the cut.* Parts 1 and Parts 2 and Parts 3 and Parts 4 can be found here, or, you know, by scrolling down a bit.

*This did not actually happen.

Entry #5: A For Serious Entry

EXPLANATION: Okay, after a week of joking, I thought I would try to make a positive contribution to the process and present a serious idea I had. The basic concept is that each stalk of corn represents a victory in the Iowa - Iowa State series (red for ISU, black for Iowa). The scores for the games are listed on the front.

One more thing: it would need to be life-size. I suppose that could be a problem.

Continue reading this post »

In this series we look back at a few of my entries in the Iowa Corn trophy contest that failed to make the cut.* Parts 1 and Parts 2 and Parts 3 can be found here, or, you know, by scrolling down a bit.

*This did not actually happen.

ENTRY #4: College Coach with Sunglasses and Mustache

STATED REASON FOR REJECTION: "Apart from the fact that this is a collage and thus not really suitable as a traveling football trophy, there is the matter of Cy the Cyclone's face. We are clearly meant to be viewing Cy from the side, as in the official Iowa State logo:

via www.trademark.iastate.edu

And yet we see BOTH OF CY'S EYES ON THE SAME SIDE OF HIS FACE. ON THE SAME DAMN SIDE OF HIS FACE!!! At Iowa Corn, we have a saying: we like our corn hybridized and our art depicted from a single point of view. To be honest, we haven't approved of anything in the art world since the First Impressionist Exhibition in 1874. Also, we do not believe for an instant that your collage is a representation of a generic football coach, but rather that your subject and numerous details in the piece display an obvious pro-Hawkeye bias. As evidence, see the remarkable resemblance of your design to the picture below:"

via www.illpipe.com

A FOR SERIOUS NOTE: I owe a debt to M.C. Ludwig, whose drawing of Hayden Fry I used as the basis for this collage. I encourage you to check out his website -- it's got a sweet illustration of Abdul Hodge on the home page, so you know he's cool!

In this series we look back at a few of my entries in the Iowa Corn trophy contest that failed to make the cut.* Parts 1 and Parts 2 can be found here.

*This did not actually happen.

ENTRY #3: The Wacky Staircase

STATED REASON FOR REJECTION: "This trophy is physically impossible and therefore violates rule one for the Iowa Corn Trophy Competition: "All trophies must be physically possible." Also, the suggestion that Iowa and Iowa State are stuck in a never-ending up-and-down procession centered around football where neither ever truly achieves anything is inimical to the ideal of friendly competition that lies at the heart of the Iowa Corn Cy-Hawk rivalry. Additionally, we're not sure why Babe the Pig is there, but we're pretty sure you're making fun of someone."

In this series we look back at a few of my entries in the Iowa Corn trophy contest that failed to make the cut.* Part 1 can be found here.

*This did not actually happen.

ENTRY #2: The Colossus of Paul Rhoads

STATED REASON FOR REJECTION: "There are several problems with this design: One, constructing a colossal bronze Herky that could be seen from space would require a vast expenditure of labor, money, raw materials, and doubtless human life; needless to say, that would exceed our $500 budget for the trophy. Second, there is minimal reference to corn or Iowa Corn in the colossus. [Author's note: I have to object here: there's corn everywhere in that photo.] Third, Herky's foot appears to be positioned on Saylorville Lake, and our hydrologic engineers inform us that this would be an ill-advised site for construction, due to shifting bedrock and the hazards of underwater construction. Fourth, Cy the Cyclone is smaller than Herky by a factor of at least 20. While we appreciate the ambition of this effort, we are going to have to respectfully decline your application."

As you may have heard, Iowa Corn has opened up the voting on the three finalists for the Cy-Hawk Series trophy, and while Ross hailed the vote as a victory for democracy, I, on the other hand, have come to the conclusion that democracy simply doesn't work. For, you see, a democracy is only as good as the candidates it produces, and this "maize-ocracy" has produced a crop of homogeneous, uninspiring candidates...

... while rejecting my numerous entries on a variety of shady pretexts.* Each day this week I will bring you an Iowa Corn trophy concept that was cruelly shut out of the voting process.**

* Not really
** This didn't actually happen

ENTRY #1: The Georgia and Ken O'Keefe Memorial Trophy

STATED REASON FOR REJECTION: "This concept, while intriguing, is not evocative enough of the concept of fertility and growth that Iowa Corn was looking for in their trophy. Also, there is no reference to the University of Iowa, Iowa State University, or Iowa Corn in the trophy. Also also, it appears to be a watercolor and thus difficult to be transformed into a trophy. Additionally, Ken O'Keefe is not dead. And, Georgia O'Keeffe spells her name differently."

At the Carver-Hawkeye Arena basketball addition, Fran McCaffery and Gary Barta recover from their defeat in the Marchifornication finals.
I can't believe we lost to those bastards, Gary.

What can you do, Fran? It's football-town.

Yeah, I guess so. It's just I've been trying so hard to turn Iowa into a basketball school, keep everything on an even keel, telling people not to go sideways (in a variety of contexts)... it's just frustrating.

Shoot, Franchise, you need to relax. Marchifornication's over and you've earned a break.

Hey, you're right! I have earned a break.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

LET'S GO SIDEWAYS!

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It took a while for the message to get through, but it looks like the Iona College "Black Beard Maroon Hats" guy finally gave up the ghost on his obvious BHGP rip-off:

But now I see that I have been accused of plagiarism by some hayseed. That’s it. I quit. I can put up with a lot, but not the sight of some jumped up country bumpkins claiming that all my hard work and creativity was a gigantic, elaborate fraud.

He puts up a brave front, but I think he knows he got caught red-handed and is just trying to save face. Hopefully this marks the end of his shenanigans.

Lent-a-palooza was kind of amusing, though.

This is what our photo recreation experts believe the new Illinois coach might look like on the sideline.

In a surprising move, the University of Illinois has, apparently, named folk singer-songwriter Jim Croce as their new head coach. The news, which BHGP obtained by glancing quickly at the sports page of a fellow bus passenger, comes on the heels of the school's rejected offer to VCU coach Shaka Smart. Details of the new coach's deal are sketchy, as are the specifics of his basketball background, so we are left to speculate about what direction the hirsute Italian-American song-smith will take the team. Luckily, Croce has left an extensive catalog of song lyrics that allow us to guess at what we, as Iowa fans, can expect from the new coach of one of our most bitter rivals.

1) He already has made recruiting inroads in Chicago

Croce has extensive knowledge of a shooting guard/small forward from the south side of Chicago named Leroy Brown. Brown is reported to be 6'4" and has a reputation as a "mean" player. His nicknames include He is reputed to be "meaner than a junkyard dog", "badder than ol' King Kong", and is known as the "Meanest Baddest man in the whole damn town", "Treetop lover" (by the ladies) and "Sir" (by the men). It is unclear if Brown is any relation to former Illinois point guard Dee Brown.

2) He will likely slow things down

Croce appears to value time of possession very dearly and has stated a desire to "save time in a bottle... till eternity passes away." Although NCAA rules will limit his team's possessions to the maximum 35 seconds, look for the Croce-led Illini to milk the clock to its maximum extent. As the new head coach said, "But there never seems to be enough time/to do the things you want to do/once you find them," which we believe refers to Croce's Bo Ryan-esque commitment to using the clock to find the best shot.

3) He expects Illinois to contend immediately

This one is a bit cryptic, but Croce has said: "You don't tug on Superman's cape/You don't spit into the wind
You don't pull the mask off/the ol' Lone Ranger/and you don't mess around with Jim." We are assuming that "Superman" here refers to Ohio State, "the wind" is Michigan State, "the ol' Lone Ranger" is Wisconsin, and "Jim" is, of course, Jim Croce's Illinois team. Croce does add the caveat that "Jim" is vulnerable to a man named "Slim" with a cut-heavy offense. This could refer to the $limes of Iowa, or the back-cutting style of Bill Carmody's Northwestern teams.

*** UPDATE ***

Upon further study, it appears that Illinois has hired former Ohio University coach John Groce (pronounced "gross"), not Jim Croce, to head their program. It also appears that Jim Croce has been dead since 1973. We apologize for the error.

*** UPDATED UPDATE ***

Thanks to the careful eye of reader Flakbait, even more errors have been found in the original article. Certain lyrics attributed to the non-coach Croce regarding the non-recruit Brown were in error, and have been corrected.

Our fascination with the Korean girl group Girls' Generation and their video "Oh!" is long-standing, mostly because THEY USE AN IOWA FOOTBALL HELMET IN THEIR VIDEO, but also because they offer the kind of lyrical complexity we appreciate:

Brand New Sound
Saerowojin nawa hamkke
One More Round
Dance Dance Dance till we run this town
Oppa Oppa I'll be I'll be Down Down Down Down

Now that "Oh!" has been named the #19 K-Pop video of all time by Stereogum (H/T cafreema), we decided to look into how, exactly, our beloved Tigerhawk logo made its way onto the Korean airwaves. We got a hold of the director of the video, the Korean Equivalent of McG, and asked him a few questions:

So, KEOM, you've directed all the great K-Pop acts:

Indeed.

I mean, you've worked with:

SHINee...

Super Junior...

Korean Weezer ...

... but this is the only video where you've used an American football helmet. Why did you pick football, and why Iowa football in particular? Was it a comment on the U.S. military presence in South Korea? The deleterious impact of American agricultural subsidies on Korean farmers?

Continue reading this post »

Another basketball season is in the books and so the time is here for the second annual Fran-Graphs Retrospecticus, a statistical look back at the year that was in Iowa hoops. I did the same chart/article last year if you want to compare and contrast. The offensive and defensive efficiency numbers represent Iowa's play in conference play only, as calculated by John Gasaway in his final "Tuesday Truths" column. The individual statistics are taken from the Sports-Reference.com team page on Iowa, and represent season totals.

I'll start off with a claim that I know will prove controversial: Iowa was not a significantly better team, start to finish, this year than they were last year. The important thing to note here is "start to finish." If you just looked at Feburary and March of 2012, then, yes, this year's squad was probably better than the 2010-11 squad. But if you look at the totality of their season, it turns out that the two teams were roughly on par with each other. How can an 11-20 team be just about as good as an 18-17 team? The answer comes down to three things: strength of schedule, efficiency, and luck.

Strength of schedule

According to Ken Pomeroy's ratings, Iowa had the 17th-hardest schedule in the country in 2010-11, but just the 32nd hardest schedule in the country this year. As long as the Big Ten is a good league, Iowa's SOS will always look decent, which explains why Iowa's overall strength of schedule still looks pretty good this year. But even the Big Ten was a little tougher last year than this. For one, there was no Nebraska, and for two, the league was stronger top to bottom. The ten non-Iowa teams in the Big Ten in 2010-11 averaged a KenPom rating of .865, but this year, the average rating of the 11 non-Iowa teams dropped to .819. The top of the Big Ten was arguably stronger, with three top five KenPom teams in Ohio State, Michigan State and Wisconsin, but the bottom (Penn State and Nebraska) was far less competitive.

Also, Iowa's non-conference schedule was powerful weak. Clemson, Creighton, Iowa State and UNI were all good non-conference opponents, but. the rest of Iowa's schedule scraped the bottom of the barrel of KenPom's rankings: Indiana-Purdue Fort Wayne (#273 out of 345), North Carolina A&T (#299), Brown (#308), Central Arkansas (#326), Northern Illinois (#330), and Chicago St. (#335). Those Potemkin village wins, in addition to costing a pretty penny, did little to prove Iowa's worth as a basketball team, even if they did insure a winning record. The year before, by contrast, Iowa played a much more robust early season schedule, with quality opponents like Alabama, Xavier, South Dakota State and Long Beach State, and far fewer cupcakes.

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It was a year of high highs and low lows, a year where Iowa lost to Campbell and Nebraska but beat Michigan, Indiana and Wisconsin; a year where Matt Gatens transformed for a brief period into a being of pure light, but also where Iowa's defense took the concept of Midwestern politeness to new heights by courteously giving opponents whatever shot they wanted. It was a year where the Hawks lost to a pack of Camels, a year where a ginger came out of the desert wastes of Cleveland to lead us, a year of no centers, all small forwards, hope, despair, chair throwing, mime-work and slow but steady growth. Lastly, it was a year where the fans finally started to come back. Let's look back at how it all went down ... through the magic of Fran-Graphs.

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[Video still credit: ESPN]

It was sad but completely appropriate that Iowa's season ended in an offensive fire-bombing by an opposing team. All year, Iowa has been susceptible to these kinds of defensive performances, and now that the season is over it's fair to say that this is just who they are. Or were. Especially against teams with quality perimeter players, and especially on the road, Iowa was always a bone-dry stand of Ponderosa pine, ready to ignite. They just chose a particularly inopportune time to get burned last night.

To put Oregon's performance in context, this was Iowa's worst defensive efficiency number of the year, and that is in a year where they put up some very high numbers in this category. The Hawks gave up 108 points, which is bad enough, but on a per possession basis it was... also bad: 1.41 points per possession, which barely edges their previous worst against Northwestern. That number may not jump out at you, but think about it this way: if Iowa just allowed the opposing team to walk in for a layup every possession, they would give up 2.00 points per possession. Giving up 1.4 points per possession is not quite as bad as making your defense a layup line, but it's not that far off, either.

Do you think that's hyperbole? It is not. In the second half, Iowa gave up 61 points on 36.8 possessions, which works out to an efficiency figure of 1.66 points per possession. That is unheard of. That is beyond unheard of. It's like a football team giving up 50 points in a half. Oregon made 18 of 25 shots in the second half, made 7-11 threes, and made 18-20 free throws. Iowa had the privilege of pulling down a defensive rebound only five times in the entire second half. They had an effective field goal percentage 86%. For context, 50% is an average eFG% number, 60% is excellent, and 86% should not be possible when there are sentient human defenders on the court.

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Très punchable, but are they beatable?

Game info: 4 p.m., ESPNU (also it should be on ESPN3.com if your cable company supports that)

Basic stats:

Record: 23-9, 13-5 in the Pac-12

KenPom rating: #53 in the country

KenPom Offensive Efficiency: 113.1 points/100 possessions (#23 in country)

KenPom Defensive Efficiency: 99.6 (#141)

Good wins: @Arizona (#57 in KenPom), UCLA (#47), Washington (#55), @Stanford (#51)

Bad losses: Oregon St. (#86) [This is the only thing close to a bad loss they had -- there were no Campbell or Nebraska-type home losses on Oregon's schedule]

Roster: (click to embiggen)

WHEN IOWA HAS THE BALL:

It is sort of telling that many of the teams in the NIT (Iowa, Northwestern, Dayton, Oregon) are all very good on offense and very poor on defense. The Ducks' defense rates 139th in the country according to KenPom, as well as giving up 33.6% three-point shooting (137th in the country) and 48.0% two-point shooting (179th). Oregon also forces very few turnovers (#216 in the country), blocks very few shots (#162 in the country) and creates very few steals (#201).

The reason for this lack of defense, as far as I can tell, is that the Ducks just aren't built for it. They have one really strong defensive player on the interior in 6'11" center Tony Woods, but he only plays 18 minutes a game. Most of the Oregon players are offensively skilled and good at making three-point shots, but not really great with the lateral foot speed and the defense. As a result, it seems (based on just watching parts of two games) as though Dana Altman's team responds by throwing out a lot of zone, as well as some token three-quarter court press. Their zone does not trap as much as Northwestern's 1-3-1, so if you just had nightmare visions of a repeat of that game, rest a little easier. Not entirely easy, though: Oregon will force Iowa to work the ball and make smart decisions. That hasn't always been Iowa's strong suit, but if they can be patient and keep passing, open three-point shots should be available. This should be a game with plenty of opportunities for Josh Oglesby and Iowa's other non-Gatens three-point shooters. The Ducks will no doubt have their anatine defensive senses attuned to Gatens' presence, which should open things up for everyone else. Of course, if Oreogn hasn't heard of the legend of Matty Fresh and gives him looks from deep, he could make them pay himself.

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No photos have been released of the team's trip to Eugene, Oregon, but BHGP's computer experts were able to produce the following simulation of their harrowing trek. We are assured by our scientists that what that follows is 99.9% likely to match the real experience of the team. You may want to shield your children's eyes, as this all gets very, very harrowing.

DAY 1

ENTER NAME OF PARTY LEADER: FRAN

ENTER NAMES OF PARTY MEMBERS: MATT, AARON, DEVYN, BRYCE, JOSH, MELSAHN, ANDREW BROMMER, ERIC, MCCABE, DEVON, GABE, DARIUS STOKES, BRANDEN STUBBS.

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[Photo credit: Jeff Becker]

Pure, unadulterated happiness: a 60 year-old man dancing a jig with his grandson in the concourse, grown men howling like banshees, a child wearing a popcorn box as a hat and dancing in the aisles: these were just some of the sights as Iowa knocked off Dayton 84-75 in an absolutely bonkers Carver-Hawkeye Arena. Dayton was probably a little bummed when they heard they would have to go on the road for the NIT, but they couldn't have expected this. No one told them they would be walking into a mental institution.

The mania is easy to understand. It had been six years since Iowa played their last post-season basketball game. Six years. It was as if the fans had been on a hunger strike and then got to break it at the Golden Corral. They gobbled up every morsel of good play, and the Hawks gave them plenty: numerous Aaron White dunks (including an amazing one off a half-court lob from Bryce Cartwright that made SportsCenters top plays), a sick Melsahn Basabe reverse dunk, and Zach McCabe owning the interior like he was Shaquille O'Neal -- and that was just in the first three minutes. The good times just kept rolling on, especially after the Hawks seemed to make an adjustment on their perimeter defense midway through the second half and limited the Flyers' three-point shooting. What might have seemed like a consolation prize to a lot of other teams had the atmosphere of a championship game in Carver.

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