Jamie Foxx featuring T-Pain - Blame It (via jamiefoxx)

Original lyrics here.

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Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody (via Frozentoast)

Original lyrics here.

O Beaneian Rhapsody

Is this the real team?

Is this just fantasy?

Caught in a nonslide

No escape from that Jeremy

Open your eyes

Look up to these guys and see

I’m just a poor boy, don’t need free agency

Because I’m easy come, easy go

Bid too high, bid too low

Anyway, the win’s blown; doesn’t really matter to me, to me

Macha, just quilled a man

Put a pen against his head

Squeezed the barrel, now the dread

Macha, budget’s just begun

But now I’ve gone and blown it (Holliday)

Macha, ooo.

Didn't mean to make you cry

If I'm not back again this time tomorrow

Carry on, carry on as if no team really matters

Too late, L. Davis gone

Send shivers down my spine

Chavy’s aching all the time

Good-bye everybody – I’ve got to go

Gotta leave you all Devine and face the truth

Macha – ooo – (anyway the win’s blown)

I don’t want RyRy

I sometimes wish I’d never seen Brown at all

I see a little silhouetto of a man

Scary Lewis, scary Lewis, will you hit the damn fungo?!

Under belts are tightening, very very frightening

Mike Gallego, Mike Gallego

Mike Gallego, Mike Gallego

Mike Gallego, Scutaro!

Magnifico!

But I’m just a poor boy and nobody loves me

He’s just a poor boy from a small market team

Spare him his life from this monstrosity

Crosby come, Crosby go – will you let me go?

Beane’s milieu! No! We will not let you go! Let him go!

Beane’s milieu! We will not let you go! Let him go!

Beane’s milieu! We will not let you go! Let me go!

Will not let you go! Let me go!

Never let me go!  Ooo …

No, no, no, no, no, no, no –

Oh Macha see ya, Macha see ya, (my Casilla) let me go

See, Ellis, bub’s, seen a devil with a side d’livr’y

D’livr’y

Ziggy!

So you think Jason Giambi can spit in my eye?

So you think you can love me despite Jermaine Dye?

Oh baby -- can’t do this to me baby

Just gotta get out – Josh gotta get right Outman here

Ooh yeah, ooh yeah

No team really matters

Anyone can see

No team really matters – no team really matters to me

Anyway, the win’s blown …

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C: Kurt Suzuki--Kurt is from Hawaii and Hawaiians are hella friendly. Grade A

1B: Daric Barton--friendly but could be friendlier with the right person. Grade B+

2B: Mark Ellis--would be friendlier but unicorn duties often supercede friendship. Grade B

SS: Bobby Crosby--not playing well + still a relative newlywed = not very friendly. Grade D

3B: Eric Chavez--used to be really friendly but injuries and surgery have hampered him; could bounce back in 2009. Grade B

LF: Matt Holliday--married with two sons, "Big Daddy"  figures on prodigious friendliness in his new Oakland digs. Grade A

CF: Ryan Sweeney--see Daric Barton. Grade B+

RF: Travis Buck--wants to be friendlier but needs to get his confidence back. Grade C+

DH: Jack Cust-- friendly enough but a little too selective at times. Grade B

SP: Justin Duchscherer--as with Ellis, Duke would be friendlier if he wasn't so focused on the task at hand; knows how and when to turn it on/off. Grade B+

RP: Brad Ziegler--AN brother has answered all our questions and been awesome on and off the mound. A baseball blogger's best friend. Grade A+

But (should we reacquire him) the odds-on choice for Friendliest Athletic of 2009 will turn out to be ...

OF/1B: Nick Swisher--with Swish's track record it isn't even a contest. Nuff said. Grade A++

Simon Says promotion falls short of world record.

Other Simons say: "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

 "Where have you gone, Joe Dimaggio?"

 "Mickey Mantle wet his bed 'til he was 16 years old?"

 "Eaahh!"

 "I want to apologize to her and the fans of Milwaukee."

 "I'm thirsty. Give me a cup of tea!"

 "If only I had been born Italian. All the best Yankees are Italian." 

Dump away.

Ha! You're out.

I didn't say, "Simon says...".                         

For all you Ray Ratto lovers and haters out there and assuming that imitation (or parody) is the sincerest form of flattery, here's your chance to declare yourselves in the first ever "Write Like Ratto" contest.

Ratto is the S.F. Chronicle sports columnist whose work can inspire admiration or derision. Sometimes both. Here's his latest column on the end of Brad Ziegler's streak.

The rules are simple: write a sentence, paragraph or column-length piece that captures the essence of Monsieur Ratto for you but at least it should include a tangential mention of the A's.  (Pseudo-hip pop culture references and the phrase "boys and girls" to indicate expertise as a teacher and sports columnist are encouraged but not required.)

There will be no disqualifications in the event the rules are not followed.

Judges: none other than our own resident Ratt-o-philes ruben sierra and monkeyball!

Prizes: are you kidding?

Decisions of the judges are final. In case of a tie, an All-Star game will be declared.

There you have it.

So that you know just how low the bar is being set, I'll offer the following:

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The All-Star Oakland Athletics from the last 40 years have been horribly mangled.

The vault of horror is about to open.

Who's next? Perhaps you?

Tales From the Crypt(ic)

The funk of 40 Oakland years

And grisly A's from every tomb

Are closing in to seal thy doom ..."

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Last month, on that day game vs. the Red Sox that was originally scheduled to be a night game, I found myself limping across the BART bridge (hobbled by a bout of plantar fasciitis) after reading on the A's website about their "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" contest.

I couldn't go to the game itself because my older scooplette had a half-day at school and I had to pick her up at noon but the contest was from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. and I thought, "Heck, that's something I can do."

I was the first one there at the booth outside D gate and the A's video production crew was almost finished setting up.  I volunteered to do a sound check for them and sang a rendition of the National Pasttime Anthem before proceeding to the real deal.

The crew was fun and afterward I got a "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" T-shirt for Mrs. Ice Cream. I made my way back to the BART parking lot with a little story to tell my wife when she got home and asked, "So what did you do today?"

Anyway, the video auditions are up. (I'm the guy not wearing a cap.)

(For those that know me, yeah, they got my name wrong.)

Oh, well. Go ahead and get  your licks in.

The 2008 A's (with the exception of Jack Cust) don't seem to have much home run power. Nevertheless, I'm enthused that the A's can go far as long as they keep hitting and driving in runs.  You know, that and scoring more than other guys.

So my question for you guys is: Do you think a team (any team) can win a division or championship or World Series without a lot of HR power? Are there historical examples of that and if so, what did those teams have in place, e.g. pitching, great hitting, particularly weak opponents etc., to make up for the deficiency?

Thanks in advance to all of you who know more than me about this stuff and know how to look it up.