SB Nation User Blog: Ice Cream

"Write Like Ratto" Contest

Ice Cream — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 22:48:59 -0000

For all you Ray Ratto lovers and haters out there and assuming that imitation (or parody) is the sincerest form of flattery, here's your chance to declare yourselves in the first ever "Write Like Ratto" contest.

Ratto is the S.F. Chronicle sports columnist whose work can inspire admiration or derision. Sometimes both. Here's his latest column on the end of Brad Ziegler's streak.

The rules are simple: write a sentence, paragraph or column-length piece that captures the essence of Monsieur Ratto for you but at least it should include a tangential mention of the A's. (Pseudo-hip pop culture references and the phrase "boys and girls" to indicate expertise as a teacher and sports columnist are encouraged but not required.)

There will be no disqualifications in the event the rules are not followed.

Judges: none other than our own resident Ratt-o-philes ruben sierra and monkeyball!

Prizes: are you kidding?

Decisions of the judges are final. In case of a tie, an All-Star game will be declared.

There you have it.

So that you know just how low the bar is being set, I'll offer the following:

Today, boys and girls, we consider the plight of Rob Bowen--backup catcher du jour of the current incarnation of your Oakland Athletics. Of course every team, from the venerable New York Yankees down to the most infinitesimal Little League ballclub from Pawtucket, needs some sort of backup catcher to, you know, fill in now and then--namely, to spell the first-stringer in case of fatigue or injury.

But would anyone, save the most sober Beane-o-holic, not agree that an Athletic backup catcher is the least valued player in a hierarchy that values the undervalued? Other than warming up relief pitchers, the rare pinch-hit opportunity or the occasional start where he's dangled out there like a Duncan Yo-Yo rocking the baby--of what good is the backup catcher?

With Kurt Suzuki firmly entrenched in the #1 role, Bowen is left to ponder the would haves, should haves and could haves that define being numero dos behind the mask. Add to that the incessant nipping-at-your-heels feeling you get from cheap up-and-comers like Sacramento Rivercats Landon Powell and Justin Knoedler, and you have as much job security as a third-deck Coliseum usher.

In the current A's binge-and-purge milieu, it makes sense that the more anemic the offense, the more bulimic the attempt will be to bring in some bats, any bats, to fill in a hit-starved batting order. And when the young bucks are brought up, then who you gonna call?

Adam Melhuse?

Tales From the Crypt(ic): All-Star Edition

Ice Cream — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 13:48:21 -0000

The All-Star Oakland Athletics from the last 40 years have been horribly mangled.

The vault of horror is about to open.

Who's next? Perhaps you?

Tales From the Crypt(ic)

"The foulest stench is in the air

The funk of 40 Oakland years

And grisly A's from every tomb

Are closing in to seal thy doom ..."

Survival Guide

1. Bungled long relief, sir!

2. Unsound Harden, AN.

3. Whoa! Jelly jiggled.

4. Partly desire nap? Mac trebled and backed up.

5. Bash jocose acnes.

6. Wildly herd unjust riches.

7. Utterly cater to Clinton flip-flop.

8. Haystack after Sunday.

9. Scuff Scully's partner.

10. Eccentric hits mound.

11. Attach microphone to Harry Potter cat.

12. Harm AN nerd zone? Outrageous!

13. Memo: Doubloon misplaced.

14. Needles? I go jam in abs.

15. Stones' Richards' abominable strikeout and error.

16. To know Zito, Ziegler or Zagaris nickname follows otter's den.

17. Engineer vetoes investor.

18. Club mars Kerrigan rival first.

19. Salb! AN does not compute and is partially deleted.

20. A ritzy bro shelled?

21. Gertrude and Johann reportedly stay on first.

22. At first, jamming outfielder's errors reduces unexpected defensive implosions.

23. Mourn after Willard's rat.

24. Agreeing jocks should get tossed.

25. Disfigured elbow hit by car, at first.

26. Elite mug shot--Will Smith's wife!

27. Brady mom ends up shaky without tea, I hear.

28. Digital Animation and Visual Effects pairs with yo-yo maker.

29. Unsophisticated rustic leads Northern Califonia mountain range.

30. Local area networks cross last funfair employee, they say.

31. Hooker patron needs joint; aha!

32. Fred Dryer! Show puss angle first.

33. Golden Fleece captor in a siren's hug at sea.

34. LL blogger Seinfeld's sworn enemy?

35. Hereditary marker sounds like a gentlemen's sport.

36. 3rd-tone strikeout energy twisted Juliet's sweetheart.

37. Befuddles, silence key nerd.

38. Initially, VORP indicates distribution and baseball leagues' utility equivalency.

39. OMG! teh time = knowledge browser crashed!

40. Harden? Do seven? Questionable.

41. Bashed? Am a grim wreck.

42. Flipped 12 dozen archaic wagons? Not quite.

43. Doctor averted swat.

SPOILER ALERT: ANers may post answers below!

Thanks, AN! I won!

Ice Cream — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 13:53:02 -0000

Thanks, AN! I won!

Just want to say thank you to everyone here who voted for me in the A's "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" contest. I won! Mrs. Ice Cream and I got two MVP tickets to Friday's 9-2 beatdown of the Angels by Billy O'Beane and his Irish Mob (Jack Hannahan, Donnie Murphy, Andrew Brown, Dallas Braden and the new muscle imported from Chicago--Sean Gallagher and Matt Murton.) Along with the Sweeney boys and the younger laddies coming up like Patterson, Donaldson and Doolittle--we'll be running the AL West in no time.

(Special thanks to Englishmajor for keeping my name out there! You can change your sigline now!)

Ice Cream Sings

Ice Cream — Fri, 23 May 2008 23:17:23 -0000

Last month, on that day game vs. the Red Sox that was originally scheduled to be a night game, I found myself limping across the BART bridge (hobbled by a bout of plantar fasciitis) after reading on the A's website about their "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" contest.

I couldn't go to the game itself because my older scooplette had a half-day at school and I had to pick her up at noon but the contest was from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. and I thought, "Heck, that's something I can do."

I was the first one there at the booth outside D gate and the A's video production crew was almost finished setting up. I volunteered to do a sound check for them and sang a rendition of the National Pasttime Anthem before proceeding to the real deal.

The crew was fun and afterward I got a "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" T-shirt for Mrs. Ice Cream. I made my way back to the BART parking lot with a little story to tell my wife when she got home and asked, "So what did you do today?"

Anyway, the video auditions are up. (I'm the guy not wearing a cap.)

(For those that know me, yeah, they got my name wrong.)

Oh, well. Go ahead and get your licks in.

Q: Can a team without HR power win a championship or WS?

Ice Cream — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 17:51:57 -0000

The 2008 A's (with the exception of Jack Cust) don't seem to have much home run power. Nevertheless, I'm enthused that the A's can go far as long as they keep hitting and driving in runs. You know, that and scoring more than other guys.

So my question for you guys is: Do you think a team (any team) can win a division or championship or World Series without a lot of HR power? Are there historical examples of that and if so, what did those teams have in place, e.g. pitching, great hitting, particularly weak opponents etc., to make up for the deficiency?

Thanks in advance to all of you who know more than me about this stuff and know how to look it up.

The Future of Cheating in Baseball

Ice Cream — Sun, 06 Apr 2008 04:55:00 -0000

Doctored baseballs, doctored fields, corked bats, stolen signs, greenies, steroids and PEDS,--all the stuff of baseball lore when it comes to cheating.

ESPN.com even created a list of the biggest cheaters in baseball.

And these were just the guys trying to gain an advantage.

What about the temptation of "throwing the game" for, shall we say, monetary gain? I'm not the only one who's thought of the infamous 1919 Chicago White Sox and Pete Rose. As long as people, money and gambling are involved--the possibility exists.

When will it all end?

Most likely, never.

And while new designer drugs continue to be created in labs trying to keep one step ahead of testing policies, other "fields of dreams" are beginning to emerge and may present themselves to those in baseball seeking a competitive edge.

I think a new era of cheating in baseball is on the horizon as new applications are found in materials technologies, biotechnology and nanotechnology. In turn, important questions will need to be asked about what is legal and what is not.

Three years ago, people thought tinted contact lenses might give certain ballplayers and unfair advantage. Not much is heard about it today and it's hard to think something like a tinted contact lens would be cheating. However, this year in mikeA's Science DLD, monkeyball (h/t) linked to a story about contact lenses with virtual displays.

There are many possible uses for virtual displays. Drivers or pilots could see a vehicle's speed projected onto the windshield.

Who's to say that someday a batter won't be wearing a pair of contacts or sunglasses that instantaneously tell him how fast a pitch is? Is that cheating? Or not?

In this 2002 study, bioengineers at Brown University concluded metal bats significantly outperform wooden bats. And last year, with the help of a nanotechnology company, Easton introduced the Stealth Comp CNT bat with claims that it has the largest "sweet spot" ever. Even though metal bats are illegal in MLB (and most likely always will be), does the use of nano-bats at the collegiate level constitute an unfair advantage? Is it cheating?

What if genetic engineers develop trees that produce wood that, when made into baseball bats, delivers superior performance than "traditional" wooden bats? If you're a baseball player and this bat allowed you to hit the ball harder and farther than ever before, you'd use it in a heartbeat. But would it constitute cheating? Suppose you're the first one to use such a bat and no one else has it? Are you cheating because the playing field isn't "level" or are you just ahead of the curve?

Materials scientists have come up with a synthetic sticky tape made out of carbon nanotube hairs that mimics and improves upon the gecko's ability to climb walls and run across ceilings. What if this technology can be applied to baseball gloves to help "catch" a ball that grazes or is tipped off the mitt? Could such a material on gloves help you climb an outfield wall to make a catch? Or give you a better grip when wielding a bat? Would it be cheating?

What about technology that may actually improve and strengthen your body? In January, the International Association of Athletics Federations ruled that South African runner and double amputee Oscar Pistorius would be ineligible to compete in the Summer Olympics because his prosthetic racing legs gave him a "clear competitive advantage over able-bodied runners." So at what point do you decide if a ballplayer has an advantage because of artificial technology? Do metal screws or plastic pins to repair a damaged ankle or wrist give an unfair advantage? It doesn't seem so in today's world. What about a metal rod in arm or leg? I'd still give that player a pass.

But what if ballplayers electively choose to go "bionic" in the offseason because synthetic materials will help them run faster, throw farther, hit harder or pitch better? How will we determine if it's cheating or not?

And finally, in the wake of the New England Patriots getting caught spying on and videotaping its opponents last year, where will this brave new world of spying and listening devices take baseball? The new Cisco Field comes with the promise of the latest technology. Does this include covert listening devices in the visitors' dugout and clubhouse to divine their strategy or intentions? Will impossibly small micro cameras be set up around the stadium and in the field to help steal opponents' signs?

How will baseball deal with a new generation of cheaters?

If Bud Selig is still commissioner, the answer is: not very well.

For someone who's turned a blind eye to steroids until he had to do something, the something's he's done, i.e., the Mitchell Report and putting in place a steroid testing policy, has been a case of too little, too late.

They say you can sit around and be reactive to what's going on around you or you can anticipate what's coming and be proactive about it.

The World Anti-Doping Agency decided to be proactive and has come up with an HGH test for the upcoming summer Olympics in Beijing. Why doesn't baseball have an HGH test?

In the future, when an outfielder scales half way up the Green Monster at Fenway Park to rob a sure home run from a genetically engineered bat wielded by a contact lens-aided batter who perfectly read the 110 m.p.h. fastball that came from the bionic arm of an ace pitcher who never tested positive for a drug in his life, the crowds (and I along with them) will cheer and ooh and ahh. A small part of me, however, will cast an eye towards the commissioner's office and wonder if the smiling faces nodding their heads in approval are really paying attention.

Jack Cust Bobblehead

Ice Cream — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 14:41:50 -0000

Jack Cust Bobblehead

Friday, Aug. 29th to the first 15,000 fans

Paula Abdul Evaluates the 2008 A's

Ice Cream — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 03:44:12 -0000

Paula Abdul has been keeping close tabs on the Athletics this year. Here's what she has to say...

(actual quotes from American Idol)

On--

Joe Blanton: "I think you just have to let yourself be; let yourself go."

Andrew Brown: "You're charismatic."

Santiago Casilla: "You got to just take a deep breath and let it go."

Lenny DiNardo: "I think we just gotta mess you up a little!"

Justin Duchscherer: "You're a force to be reckoned with."

Alan Embree: "I want to see the light of you more."

Keith Foulke: "You nailed it. You really nailed it."

Rich Harden; "I believe that you're going to be a great shining star."

Huston Street: "I am so glad you showed a beautiful vulnerability."

Dana Eveland: "You got the whole crowd working."

Kurt Suzuki: "I think you have many hidden talents."

Rob Bowen: "When you play it safe you sometimes lose your personality and character."

Daric Barton: "I've been impressed by you from Day One. You're relevant."

Bobby Crosby: "You can't overthink it."

Mark Ellis: "Dude, you are like a dependable dog."

Jack Hannahan: "It's the first day of the rest of your career in life."

Dan Johnson: "Being sick doesn't matter."

Donnie Murphy: "You gotta go paint that knob and that door and go for it."

Mike Sweeney: "You are a thoroughbred."

Emil Brown: "You're a blend of every color I know."

Travis Buck: "I want to squash your head off and dangle you from my rear view mirror. "

Chris Denorfia: "When you play it safe you sometimes lose your personality and character."

Ryan Sweeney: "How does anyone know who you are but you?"

Jack Cust: "You have such a great instrument."

And finally, to the 2008 Oakland Athletics: "I love you all and I love mutts, too."

Green and Gold C(K)ryptonite

Ice Cream — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 03:21:53 -0000

Superman, the Man of Steel, was vulnerable to many forms of kryptonite. Green kyptonite caused immediate pain, debilitation and death within hours. Red kryptonite had unpredictable effects that were never twice the same. Gold kryptonite disabled all superpowers from Krypton natives. Blue kryptonite hurt Bizarros while having beneficial effects on Kryptonians. Black kryptonite could split personalities and white kryptonite killed all plant life.

In the off season and throughout spring training, the Oakland Athletics were exposed to an altogether new form of kryptonite---green and gold c(k)ryptonite.

This has transformed the organization's personnel in strange and cryptic ways. To help you decipher these 2008 A's refer to this.

Previous cryptics can be found here and here.

1. Beer bong? Wasted!

2. Christie detective gets mixed up with tree gig.

3. Let no banjo pick apart.

4. Pitcher in Where The Red Fern (and Aussie golfer Nick ... and Ezra Pound) Grows.

5. Yank info off: Jeter in.

6. L.A ravine is behind bungled crimes; leave out the S & M.

7. Add a liter to Doubleday enema; shake.

8. Backward United States interferes with apocalyptic colonel; United Kingdom follows with one from Rome.

9. New York Rangers dandelion tripped up.

10. Extra visor--missing front and back; a dollar.

11. Need a vandal? Deface!

12. Persian coin exchanged on BART.

13. I hear Texas city street swallowing tree.

14. White author, bro. Now tase!

15. Colloquial very amusing set.

16. Razz loco Angels fans.

17. Wild foul hit begins and ends with kinetic energy.

18. Montana girl connects with AN after phone plug-in.

19. Confused lad in wacky Saberland.

20. OF shaken up; limber now.

21. Thrown chairs fiend or ... ?

22. Church messes up adding gold.

23. Inside reverse teat suck, Cajun-style.

24. Chaotic newborn ward.

25. Tossup answer? Eeny, _ _ _ _y, _ _ _ _, _ _ _.

Bonus points for solving the only unanswered clue from Crypt the Light Fantastic:

26. Wild Celtic poet heard crack. (Hint: He's no longer with the A's)

If you think these are hard, try getting Mr. Mxyzptlk to say his name backwards.

[SPOILER ALERT: ANers may post answers below.]

Go A's in 2008!

It's Time for Women in Baseball

Ice Cream — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 20:04:55 -0000

It's National Women's History Month and therefore an appropriate time to raise the issue of women in baseball.

The fact is there are no women playing major league baseball. There are no women umpires in major league baseball. And it's utter bullshit. And it's time to change.

You cannot convince me there aren't any women ballplayers out there that could compete in the majors. The traditional prima facie argument is that if there were any women players who were good enough then they would be playing. In horse racing, they used to say that about female jockeys, too. They weren't tough enough, they weren't strong enough ... blah, blah, blah. That changed over time. Now you have women jockeys winning with regularity and in top races, too. (Julie Krone in the 1993 Belmont Stakes and Chantal Sutherland capturing the Irish O'Brien Stakes at Santa Anita this last Monday.) But it took some owner or some trainer to give those first women a chance. So it is with baseball. It's going to take some coach, scout, manager, or owner to give some woman a chance. It's time to put prejudice behind and break down the domed ceiling.

Another argument against women in baseball is that they lack the necessary skill sets to compete with men, e.g., upper body strength., to which I once again call bullshit. How many skillsets does a ML ballplayer need? How many already flawed players do we observe every year that have jobs? We're not talking five-tool players but there have to be women that can pitch, throw, run and/or bat successfully enough to compete.

For Shauna, an eighth-grade Little Leaguer, the desire is certainly there.

And Katie Horstman, who played in the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League during WW II, doesn't see why anyone would think women couldn't play.

Horstman said the women weren't as strong as the men, but they trained hard, and above all, they knew how to play small ball.

"Sometimes when we watch these professionals, we just shake our heads because they obviously don't know the fundamentals," Horstman said.

Of course, the greatest obstacle women would face playing pro ball would be the male-dominated culture of baseball. The ingrained attitudes, preconceptions, sexism, superiority complexes, prejudices and biases of not just players, umpires, managers, coaches and baseball insiders, but sports media and ultimately ourselves, as fans.

Here's an example, from The Baseball Reliquary, of what happened to Pam Postena, in her struggle to become an umpire.

After praising her work behind the plate, the Astros pitcher [Bob Knepper] launched into a chauvinistic tirade: "I just don’t think a woman should be an umpire. There are certain things a woman shouldn’t be and an umpire is one of them. It’s a physical thing. God created women to be feminine. I don’t think they should be competing with men. It has nothing to do with her ability. I don’t think women should be in any position of leadership. I don’t think they should be presidents or politicians. I think women were created not in an inferior position, but in a role of submission to men. You can be a woman umpire if you want, but that doesn’t mean it’s right. You can be a homosexual if you want, but that doesn’t mean that’s right either."

Whatever.

It's high time to end the old boys' club and make room for some talented women. It's going to take desire, courage and a shift in attitudes but c'mon, it's 2008.