Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries.

Now go read my article over at The Leafs Nation about advanced statistics, or I shall have to taunt you a second time.

If Gimp was a half-decent program, you would all have been treated to a .gif of Greg McKegg's face actually taunting you, but this will have to do for now.

Plenty of more fun over the jump, as per usual.

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What could be better than a little shameless self promotion on Monday morning? Danny Gray and I recently managed to get another podcast made, so head over to The Leafs Nation to go have a listen. We chat about the Marlies and Justin Schultz, and are trying out a new format. Let us know what you think.

In other news, the London Knights managed to lose the Memorial Cup to the Shawinigan Cataractes last night 2-1 in OT. For a recap of that game, head over to the Globe where Bill Beacon has the story.

I've got a few more links for you after the jump, so get chatty.

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There's not much point in changing the title, the reasons to cheer haven't changed.

Last night, the Toronto Marlies defeated the Oklahoma City Barons 3-1 to advance to the Calder Cup finals. Matt Frattin had two goals (including an empty-netter to seal the deal), and Simon Gysbers had the winner. Catch the Game In Six here.

Over at Marlies HQ, Jeffler has some thoughts on the game.

Now, the New Jersey Devils defeating the New York Rangers is more good news for people who enjoy entertaining hockey. The old, trapping Devils we grew to loathe have been gradually transformed into a more entertaining team to watch, even if the old goalie hasn't been changed.

Check out In Lou We Trust's recap of the evening for a detailed account of the game.

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Naturally, I'm pleased with the outcome of the Toronto Marlies game. The Marlies have moved to 3-1 in their series, and the fact that Ben Scrivens had a shutout is the cherry on top. Check out the Game In Six here. There are several recaps of this game available for your perusal today, but I'll feature Jeff Veillette's version from Marlies HQ above the jump:

Tonight’s game was a crucial one, to say the least. Win it, and the Marlies have three swings at locking up the series and advancing to the Calder Cup finals. Lose it, however, and it suddenly becomes a best of three. This was a game of huge importance, and one that they’d have to carry on without Nazem Kadri or Mike Zigomanis. In their place came Colton Orr and Josh Engel, meaning a different dynamic was to come of the team tonight. The shots were few, but the effort was there, and the Marlies walked away victorious, one game closer to a finals berth.

The New York Rangers and New Jersey Devils series is probably a more divisive issue amongst Leafs fans, but I count myself among those cheering for ol' Martin Brodeur and the team that underachieved for two full seasons. It's never been clear to me why this group couldn't be among the league's elite teams with all the talent they have, and I guess I'm not as smitten with Henrik Lundqvist as others are. Go underdogs! Check out In Lou We Trust for a good recap.

If I'm not mistaken, if the Devils make it to the Cup Finals, this will be the first time in 30 years that a team seeded 6th or lower in their conference will win it all. Of course, the 1-2-3 rule is partly to blame for the Devils coming in 6th.

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Yes, the New Jersey Devils thoroughly frustrated the New York Rangers last night, and won the game 4-1. I have to say that I'm surprised at how entertaining this series has been, given that I don't particularly care about either team.

In any event, here's a recap from the Globe & Mail to get you started this morning.

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Last night, the New Jersey Devils beat the New York Rangers 3-2 to knot the series at one game a piece, so if you're looking for details, head over to In Lou We Trust or The Globe and Mail for a recap.

There are plenty of links to check out this morning, so follow me over the jump for a smattering of everything.

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Ok, it's not, but it might as well be. I'm sure to receive a few admonishments from some corner of the internet, but I really think there's no chance that the Phoenix Coyotes ever come back to beat the Los Angeles Kings.

If you're looking for a recap of the game, there's no better place than Five For Howling, who had an understandably dour take on last night's events.

Plenty more links over the jump.

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I couldn't decide which story I wanted to run with over the jump, so I'll just link both of them.

Last night, the New York Rangers won the first game of the semi-finals 3-0 against the New Jersey Devils. Sure, it was a low-scoring game (the third goal was an empty-netter), but it was nevertheless an exciting one, remaining close until the end of the third.

Catch a recap from In Lou We Trust or Blueshirt Banter if you're looking for in-depth coverage on the evening.

The other story is, of course, that the Leafs have agreed to terms with Leo Komarev on an ELC.

Komarev, who is now playing in the KHL, was drafted in 2006, and may be able to crack the Leafs' lineup in a bottom-six role and add a bit of scoring. There's no guarantee he'll make the cut, but this is a low-risk signing that may help push the likes of Colby Armstrong or Matthew Lombardi off the Leafs' payroll, and I'm all for that.

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Can you think of a single Leafs player that desperately needs to find his game? Or that needs to find a game? Any one, we're not picky. Even if it was golf. I mean, hey, that would help the Leafs' cap situation, right?

Well, we're in luck. Luke Schenn has, somehow, found himself gainfully employed as a professional hockey player for the World Championships in Finland. (Note: I have no idea if the players are paid for these tournaments at all.) He'll play on the third defensive pairing to be sure, but maybe he'll do some real deep thinking and remember what it was like to play defence.

Michael Langlois has been ruminating about this very subject over at Vintage Leaf Memories, so go check that out.

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Who cares? We saw one last night!

Last night, Ben Scrivens and the Toronto Marlies eliminated the Rochester Americans. Although each game was a relatively close affair, Toronto shut out the Americans 3-0 in the third and decisive game.

Jeffler at Marlies HQ has a recap:

The final frame had something in common with the previous ones, and that was the fact that included a very early Marlies goal. This one came from Nazem Kadri, and it was the highlight of the game. Coming out of the box, Kadri joined the ever so common Scott/D’Amigo shorthanded rush, took in a pass, and dangled his way around Leggio to widen the gap to three. The Amerks pulled the goalie, but it was of no help. Ben Scrivens kept saving, the Marlies kept their composure, and the series ended as the clock hit zero.

Read on for more.

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Hello all, I have just a few quick hits for you all to mull over this afternoon as you settle in to watch the Marlies play the second game of their series against the Rochester Americans.

In their last game, Joe Colborne had two assists (one, a beautiful pass to Matt Frattin for a goal), so let's hope some of the Leafs'/Marlies' young guns can keep things rolling.

In other news, yes, Raffi Torres has been suspended by the NHL for 25 games. To quote Jonathan Willis quoting Derek Zona of The Copper & Blue:

25 games for Torres. Wow. If this is the NHL taking discipline serious great, if this is the NHL using him as a scapegoat not so great.

This counts as your game thread. Jump for more.

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Unnamed NHL sources revealed yesterday that Toronto Maple Leafs' goaltender Jonas Gustavsson has been seen in both Pittsburgh and Philadelphia recently. The speculation is that he's been giving helpful tips and suggestions to both Marc-André Fleury and Ilya Bryzgalov.

Further confusing matters was the Flyers' Sergei Bobrovsky, when he hinted to reporters late last night that he had not actually spoken with the Leafs' Gustavsson, although he felt certain that Gustavsson had coughed on him at some point.

Concerns began to arise when an anonymous gift of strange-smelling Hudson's Bay blankets were mysteriously delivered to the Flyers' dressing room shortly before the game.

Bobrovsky has been under examination from Flyers' medical staff since last night's game ended. He was overheard mumbling something about beach balls flying at him, but no more context was offered by the team's front office.

An investigation is expected to be forthcoming.

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Oh, get your head out of the gutter. What I mean is that the Ottawa Senators were defeated by The New York Rangers Henrik Lundqvist.

The really scary part though is that the Sens haven't looked out of place so far in the series. This confuses me. How is it that they haven't been shamed into quitting the series after only a game?

In any event, we've got links and chatter after the jump.

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It's true that the Toronto Maple Leafs are no longer at the dance, but the first round of the NHL playoffs is still one of the most wonderful times of the year.

Jump for links and chatter.

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Even if you're not usually a Toronto Marlies fan, I think you have to pay some attention to what's about to go down at Ricoh Coliseum. I know, I know, the first round of the NHL playoffs is an exciting time for hockey watchers, but for Leafs fans, the AHL playoffs will hold much more relevance.

Danny Gray (@ACatNamedFelix) and I (@JPNikota) were joined this week for our podcast by Jeff Veillette (@Jeffler) to set up the playoff scenario at the AHL level. The Marlies, as you may or may not be aware, are poised to take a good run at the Calder Cup this season, and their lineup will only be further bolstered by the likes of Jake Gardiner, Matt Frattin, Carter Ashton, and Ben Scrivens. For many of these players, this really is an extended tryout.

Naturally, in the course of the podcast, we get to chatting about the beginning of the NHL playoffs and make a few predictions as well, so go over to The Leafs Nation and have a listen.

Jump for articles by all the usual suspects.

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So the Leafs won 3-2 in overtime. They actually deserved to win this one, too. I just wish they could have done this more often, and earlier.

Listen, I think it's great that Phil Kessel has hit the point-per-game mark. It's awesome. I mean, he's done it playing alongside Tyler Freaking Bozak for crying out loud. And the fact that Dion Phaneuf has, for all his defensive shortcomings, posted some good offensive numbers is great. All that said, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't also disappointed with the outcome of tonight's game.

You know the NHL has a great draft structure going when you cheer for your team to lose.

Follow me over the jump for more positive thoughts.

[ Box Score ] [ Time On Ice Shift Chart ]

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In case you missed it, Peter Budaj put in a spectacular effort last night to help his team in the #greatesttankbattle, but was eventually foiled by his teammates, who pumped five goals in on the Tampa Bay Lightning. Here's hoping that the Habs can surpass the Leafs in the standings.

For those of you who, draft pick or no, can't stop vomiting at the idea of cheering for Montreal, I'd encourage you to start cheering for the Toronto Marlies. I think Danny Gray is on to something here when he says that we might as well focus our attention on whatever playoff hockey we can get in Toronto:

This is your chance to watch guys like Jake Gardiner, Carter Ashton, Nazem Kadri, Ben Scrivens and Joe Colborne play some exciting and meaningful hockey. Add in players like Jerry D’Amigo, Jesse Blacker, and Marcel Meuller and you have a team full of potential Leafs playing playoff hockey. Plus you’ll get to see Mike Zigomanis do whatever it is he does that gets Don Cherry so hot and bothered. (be from Ontario?) You’ll also be able to see Spencer Abbott and Josh Leivo play their first games with the franchise maybe they’ll be Leafs one day and you can say you’ve like them since they were Marlies.

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Yesterday, Justin Goldman explained to The 67 Sound and I that he felt that Ben Scrivens and Jussi Rynnas should both spend another season or so in the AHL. François Allaire teaches a very specific style, and it takes quite some time to perfect it, he said. I think we all agreed that the addition of a veteran goalie is the best option for the Leafs going into next season.

James Mirtle of the Globe and Mail has Ben Scrivens' take on all of this, however:

"I've yet to hear anyone in management say they're going to go out and get a veteran goalie," Scrivens said Monday after practice. "Until that's said in the media, by someone in management, or someone tells me that, my job is to try and push for a job on this team next year.

"That's my mindset. I understand that there's reports on this and that, but you also see a lot of the reports that came out that never came to fruition."

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James Mirtle has the laundry list ready for you. But, to be honest, it's not all bad - it just feels that way - it's the usual good, bad, and ugly.

The last quarter of the season (give or take, but mostly take) has been awful, the penalty kill is still atrocious, and it's true that the goaltending shows few signs of improving, barring a rather surprising turn in the careers of one of James Reimer, Jonas Gustavsson, Ben Scrivens, or Jussi Rynnas.

The good news? We've been fretting lately that Burke & Co. would forsake a more patient approach for the short-term gain of playoff revenue, but Dave Nonis has been quoted emphatically stating otherwise:

"Trading a lot of good young assets for older players is something we have very little interest in doing," vice-president Dave Nonis told TSN Radio on Wednesday. "We want to try and build this for the long-term success of the team."

So at least there's that.

If you're looking for a piece with a more positive outlook, check out the new piece from Vintage Leaf Memories linked below. That, and plenty more, after the jump.

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It's become a perennial rite for Leafs fans, as we realize that our favourite team has fallen off the map in the standings, to begin focusing on individual players' progress rather than the team's terribility.

On that note, I have two links for your consumption and consideration. First, Danny Gray (@ACatNamedFelix) and I (@JPNikota) chatted about a few of the Leafs' younger members on The Leafs Nation's most recent podcast. Second, James Mirtle has taken a look at the difference in ice time allotted to different players under Ron Wilson and Randy Carlyle.

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Discussion surrounding the state of the Toronto Maple Leafs has, somewhat understandably, been rather glum, lately. Rather than mope about it, Danny Gray (@ACatNamedFelix) Ellen Etchingham (@theoryofice) and I (@JPNikota) have gathered to put together the latest Leafs Nation podcast that focuses on a somewhat less dark side of life.

How have our respective teams' coaches been doing? Which teams can we stomach cheering for in the playoffs? Tanking isn't so bad, is it? Check out more, over at the Leafs Nation.

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WARNING: THIS VIDEO CONTAINS LANGUAGE AND THE CONSUMPTION OF BEVERAGES THAT WOULD BE ENTIRELY INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUR WORKPLACE. WATCH THIS AT HOME.

I don't know how these clowns haven't picked up more attention, but they're about the best Leafs-related material on the internet I've seen in ages. Some of you may not have heard of Bob and Doug McKenzie (in which case, go educate yourselves), but if you're a Leafs fan, it's unlikely you can't identify with this in at least some small way.

For your convenience, I have not linked any article that relates in any way to that silly rumour about the Leafs losing a game to the Bruins last night.

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You read now.

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Sometimes, if one of your buddies in pinching, you've gotta make sure to cover him and back check. Sorry for the late FTB, but sometimes life happens.

I guess I'll take the opportunity to plug my own piece over at The Leafs Nation on Jonas Gustavsson and VHS. I've watched every single goal scored on Gustavsson this season and tabulated all those that are attributable to misuses of that particular stance, and figured out roughly (OK, very roughly) what this might have cost the Leafs. I've been meaning to look into this for some time.

If your article hasn't been linked, just throw it in the comments. Jump for more.

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I don't have to explain to anyone that things are bad. A 14-game skid of 2-11-1 will put most teams' playoff hopes in jeopardy, let alone our fragile, bubble playoff team. Oh, and, of course, as James Mirtle points out, the injury to Joffrey Lupul doesn't bode well for Leafs' fans hopes of going on a hot run. Add to that the injuries to Colby Armstrong (or, really, in his case, subtract a negative number), Mike Brown, and Cody Franson, and things look grim.

Godd Till's "demilitarized zone" theory notwithstanding, the silver lining in all this is that the Leafs may get a decent player out of what is rumoured (and here, I place a lot of emphasis on 'rumoured') to be a deep draft.

As of this moment, the Leafs would theoretically draft seventh overall - the spot where they picked up Nazem Kadri - so some very talented young players could still be available, albeit a few years away. Always nice to have a few prospects in the system, though.

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There are just so many wonderful links to choose from. There are loads of good stuff from all the usual suspects today - The Leafs Nation, Backhand Shelf, James Mirtle (and the rest of his Globe & Mail compatriots), Michael Langlois, and many more.

Just kick back and enjoy the fact that you are a proud supporter of the most comprehensively covered team in the NHL.

Jump for your links.

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I'm sure there will be those that disagree with me but I think that the overwhelming majority of our regulars around here see the writing on the wall. Ron Wilson is probably going to fail once more to drag this team to the Stanley Cup playoffs and it's probably going to cost him his job. And so it should.

While in previous seasons, we have been able to dismiss the team's shortcomings on the basis of inadequate on-ice talent, this season, the Leafs were in a wonderful position to play hockey beyond April. While it's true that poor Ronnie Wilson has received some atrocious goaltending throughout his tenure, I have become increasingly less willing to make excuses for the rest of the team's performance.

For an uplifting take on the state of Leafs affairs, check out the latest Leafs Nation podcast, where I was joined by Danny Gray and our very own Chemmy. It was recorded the day before trade deadline day, though, due to what we'll call 'technical difficulties', we've been unable to publish it until now.

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OK, so Brian Burke did make a trade. It's just that it wasn't the one most people were hoping for. Carter Ashton is perhaps not the 'Carter' most people were hungry to see in a Leafs uniform, but he may well make the Leafs roster at some point - something Keith Aulie was looking less and less likely to do on a permanent basis.

I think I'm in good company when I say that Brian Burke being relatively quiet at the deadline is a good thing for the Leafs. It does, of course, mean that Ron Wilson's head is going to roll if/when this team doesn't make the playoffs. Burke believes in this group, and if Wilson can't take them to at least a first-round exit, I think we all know what's going to happen.

Naturally, we turn first to James Mirtle to give us quotes from the big man himself:

"Panic can’t be part of your vocabulary if you’re a general manager," he said. "If you want to win a championship, that can’t be part of it. Setbacks for 10 days or 12 days, that can’t be how you guide the ship. You can’t change your course because you have 10 bad days out of 180 or 190 days in the season.

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