Fair Warning: This fan post addresses the events transpiring in Pennsylvania. If you've reached a level of exhaustion regarding opinions on the matter, the author completely understands and empathizes. Still...

Like you, I have followed reports regarding the Sandusky allegations with morbid fascination and unmitigated disgust. Like you, I have formed opinions about not only the actions of the accused, but also the inactions of others. Given the focus of this excellent website and the dynamic nature of its readers' interaction, I assume that many of you have shared those opinions here. As much as I enjoy the high level of discourse we share on our common form of escapism, I must admit that I have consciously avoided the comment sections of late, and thus have not read what I'm certain, given what I've been exposed to as two years as a reader of EDSBS, are reasoned and sensitive thoughts on the matter. Nor have I offered my own comments, until now, but after reading this morning an excellent article on ESPN's site (more on that in a moment,) I felt compelled to supplement its content, and in doing so, somewhat explain my reluctance to engage on this topic. You see, I have a somewhat unique perspective on the nightmare that has invaded Happy Valley. The phone call someone…anyone…at Penn State should have made when they suspected or were made aware of Sandusky's alleged crimes? Someone like me would have received that call. As a detective, for years I investigated juvenile sex crimes, and for reasons that will soon be made apparent, I possess zero sympathy for the enablers of those offenses, and thus no appetite for debating those who would defend them. Make no mistake; Sandusky is a monster. Monsters, however, are never entirely self-made, and rarely do they have but one maker. Everyone, inside the Penn State culture and out, who had any inkling of what was transpiring in their midst and did nothing assisted in the creation, and you will excuse me if I feel no pity for their sudden loss of status and income.

I suppose its at this point I should regale you with the "war stories" of my trade to establish my bona fides, such as my very first case, which culminated with a six-hour prison cell interview of a serial child rapist, who boasted how over a period of twenty some-odd years he'd lured pre-pubescent girls with promises of Disney stardom. Or the school teacher with half a terabyte of child pornography on his computer and a secret office converted into a video-equipped "rape room." Or the grandfather who, suspecting that a warrant had been issued for his arrest for the unspeakable acts he committed almost daily with his grandchildren over a period of years, killed himself in front of me and my colleagues as we surrounded him in his back yard. If you're interested in such tales, buy me a drink someday and I'll fill your soul with horror. These stories, like the happenings in Pennsylvania, however, are sensational in nature, and thus obscure the quiet tragedies that transpire every day, in every town. You don't know the name of the victims, but you do know them. They're your neighbors, your co-workers, and statistically speaking, a number of readers of this site. I have lost count, perhaps intentionally, of the number of child victims who I had inform me of grotesque matters they should know nothing about, and those who do so represents an tiny percentage of those who have been similarly victimized but remain silent. Dwarfing even this number, however, is the legion of adults who knew, or suspected, that the abuse was taking place. "Similarly victimized" is perhaps a misnomer, as no two scenarios are exactly alike, with one exception. Never, not one single time in the years I investigated these horrid offenses, did I fail to meet an adult who was aware on some level that a child was being raped. In some of these cases, like at State College, their failure to act directly resulted in the victimization of additional children. In every case, however, their criminal indifference perpetuated the abuse of a child, and thus was complicit in not only those contemporary acts, but in the psychological issues that child would deal with for years to come.

If one ignores the troll-ish title ("One Remedy: Penn State without Football,") Lester Munson's piece on the ESPN site advocates practical and reasonable action to identify those who enabled Sandusky to commit the crimes of which he's accused of committing. What he proposes is beyond the abilities of smaller law enforcement agencies (in whose jurisdictions the vast majority of cases take place,) but not those of the Commonwealth. I decried the sensational earlier, but for the purpose of effecting real change, at times a spotlight is needed, and an incident of this magnitude occurring under the umbrella of an iconic football program provides exactly that. Munson's call is not so much for torches and pitchforks as it is for scalpels and magnifying glasses, and were it to be heeded, would identify the monster makers and hold them accountable under the law for the very real harm they have perpetuated. When the evidence supported doing so, I arrested such enablers, but had I the resources I have no doubt many, many more would have been identified and justifiably prosecuted. The state has the resources and the moral imperative to so act, and thus send the critical message that moral cowardice in failing to protect a child has consequences beyond a guilty conscious and loss of income. If the 84-year-old leader in college football wins failed in his legal duty and must face whatever penalty is determined, so be it.

The investigations Munson supports should and must take place, and until those findings are revealed and tried in court, everyone under the shadow of suspicion, from the university president to the football coach to the graduate assistant, should be considered innocent of any alleged crime….crime, but not catastrophic failure of moral responsibility. Again, Sandusky is a monster, but not an entirely self-made one. He met his co-makers regularly on the campus and facilities of Penn State, and did so openly and without fear of reprisal. Thus, spare me, defenders of Gary Shultz, Tim Curley, Joe Paterno and Mike McQueary, of your cries of "witch hunt" and "media crucifixion." They and their attorneys will have their opportunity to defend their actions and inactions. If you feel compelled to defend their acts as justified, feel free to accompany one of my colleagues to an interview of a shattered child, and explain to him or her why it's acceptable for responsible adults to know, (as all of the above, by their own admission, did at various points,) at the very least that another adult was acting inappropriately with them, and do less than all that is necessary to protect them.

P.S. I apologize if this post seems preachy, as there has been no shortage of such shlock written on this topic elsewhere. I claim no moral superiority on this or any other issue. I am a Florida grad, after all.

Blake Ayles was a five star recruit corralled by USC in 2008, where his potential was limited by minor injury and major Lane Kiffin. While the NCAA's lowered boom closed the door on USC's bowl hopes it opened a window for its upperclassmen; the ability to transfer without losing a year of eligibility. Ayles saw an opportunity to escape the sanctions, and fled to…MIAMI.  As you will see, however, what the young man lacks in sense of timing he more than makes up for in chill.

Dude.

Dude, just, just…dude. I mean, seriously, dude?

Coming out of the OC, SC was, like, a no-brainer. Babes, beaches and bee-cee-ess crystals, right? Plus, Coach Pete, you know? Dude surfs. Dude surfs, bro. Charlie Weis don't surf, man. Case closed. Game over. Win forever.

So, things, you know, didn't start out so awesome. Pulled a strainy on the knee two years in a row, which totally sucked. Coach Pete, though, he was cool and everything. He was all like, "Blakester, chill, bro. You just gotta, you know, find your wave is all." And I was all like, he was right, you know? Coach Pete caught his wave, and, I'm like, you can't hate on that. Seattle's not my thing, bro, but who am I to question another dude's wave, you know?

Yeah, I knew about the whole Bush thing when I committed, but I was like, whatevs. That was forever ago, you know? Does this affect Blake-Blake? Not at all, bro. Not. At. All. Plus, Coach Kiffs was all like, "Blay-Ay, chill, bro. Garret's got this, you know?" So, yeah, he soooo didn't, and then I was like, maybe it's time for Blay-Blay to find his own wave, you know? So, BOOM, da U, right? The babes, beaches and you just know a national championship, right? Just like SC, but with none of the skeezy sleezy is what I'm saying. His Blakeness was off to Miami, and he was bringing a suitcase of awesome, right? No doubt!

So, yeah, bad call. Seriously bad call, right? This whole Shapiro thing, you know? I don't even, bro. I just don't even. Still, nothing's gonna crash this dude's wave. It's like Coach Al says, "the past is the past, Senor Aylesandro," and, yo, I soooo agree. I mean, yeah, sure, there'll be some harsh penalties and all, but I mean, it's not like, you know, you can spank the son for the sins of the padre, right? Right? Right?

Anyways, the Blakenator picked his wave, and he's gonna ride it until it crests and crashes, you know? My bro Seantrel is on board too, man. Come riptide or undertow, we're Canes for life, dude. Unless, you know, the NCAA gives me another, outie, you know? I hear Orlando's a chill town, bro.

Spencer mentioned earlier this week that the son of FSU's Jimbo Fisher had been diagnosed with a rare blood disorder and that additional information would be forthcoming. Today the Fishers announced that their six year old son Ethan is suffering from Franconi anemia, a life-threatening issue that will eventually necessitate a bone marrow transplant. They also announced the creation of the "Kidz 1st Fund," a non-profit that aims to "provide support to families affected by FA, provide education and awareness about this disease, and raise money for Fanconi Anemia research in the hopes of finding a cure." Should you be so inclined, you can support the cause here:

Kidz 1st Fund

Required disclaimer, per the UF Alumni Association by-laws: I f*cking hate FSU. "Jimbo" is a name that should be reserved for circus geeks, semi-pro wrestlers and beagles, and I wish him nothing but failure and humiliation in his chosen profession. That said, this sucks. Prayers and best wishes.

[fronted for sheer excellence -- HRA.]

Like Andre the Giant before him, Ron Prince has a posse. Although among current head coaches, only Vandy's James Franklin (1) can proudly claim to be a direct disciple of the Prince of Punt, nearly all of the FBS's programs are led by men with more than a little Prince in them. Behold...

Prior to bringing his genius to Kansas State (and then again after he was taken too soon) Prince served under the incomparable Al Groh at Virginia. There, Groh mentored Miami's Al Golden (2) and his own successor, Mike London (3.) Both men were on Tom O'Brien's (4) staff at BC, as were the Eagles' current man Frank Spaziani (5) and Don Treadwell (6) of Miami-Ohio. Treadwell learned his craft at the knees of Brady Hoke (7) at Ball State and Mark Dantonio (8) at Michigan State and Cincinnati, where he also spent some quality time with Notre Dame's Brian Kelly (9.) Dantonio labored under Bama's Nick Saban (10) while with the Spartans, thus bridging the gap between Prince's legacy of greatness and Saban's immensely less impressive coaching tree.

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Please allow Dana to introduce himself, he's a man of wealth and taste. He's been around a long, long year, and stole many a man's soul and faith...

Jack Fact is dealing with some ruptured disc issues while preparing for a trip that will include mountain hiking and white water rafting...and by "dealing" I mean washing down substantial prescribed opiates with bourbon while lounging on the recliner. This is a product of his ill-advised self-medication.

With Florida, South Carolina and Vandy in the CWS (and with UF as a favorite and SC as defending champions,) I found myself wondering exactly how many official national championships (recognized by the NCAA) the conference's member schools have tallied up in those "other" sports. As a Florida undergrad in the late 80's/early 90's, I vaguely recall (as it was the late 80's/early 90's in Gainesville, there is much I only vaguely recall) the Gators being excellent in golf, tennis and swimming, but did we ever "win it all?" With time to kill and a functioning internet connection, I looked it up.

The NCAA recognizes an impressive 25 football national championships won by eight of the conferences twelve schools, but also an even 100 in other men's team sports, as well as another 79 on the women's side. Only Mississippi State has been shut out in that tally thus far, but I'm crossing my fingers that someday those bell-ringers will bring home the conference's first trophies in ice hockey, lacrosse, skiing, volleyball, water polo or wrestling!

Much of what follows won't be news to the serious SEC wonk, but I found it interesting. Maybe it will help you win a bar bet. Do people still make bar bets?

MENS

Baseball: 8 (LSU 6, Georgia 1, South Carolina 1)

Basketball: 10 (Kentucky 7, Florida 2, Arkansas 1)

Cross Country: 12 (Arkansas 11, Tennessee 1)

Football: 24 (Alabama 11, LSU 4, Florida 3, Auburn 2, Tennessee 2, Arkansas 1, Georgia 1, Ole Miss 1)

Golf: 10 (Florida 4, LSU 4, Georgia 2)

Rifle: 1 (Kentucky)

Swimming and Diving: 11 (Auburn 8, Florida 2, Tennessee 1)

Tennis: 6 (Georgia)

Indoor Track and Field: 24 (Arkansas 19, Florida 2, LSU 2, Tennessee 1)

Outdoor Track and Field: 18 (Arkansas 12, LSU 4, Tennessee 2)

WOMENS

Basketball: 8 (Tennessee)

Bowling: 1 (Vanderbilt)

Cross Country: 1 (Kentucky)

Golf: 3 (Florida 2, Georgia 1)

Gymnastics: 15 (Georgia 10, Alabama 5)

Rifle: 1 (Kentucky)

Soccer: 1 (Florida)

Swimming and Diving: 11 (Auburn 5, Georgia 4, Florida 2)

Tennis: 7 (Florida 5, Georgia 2)

Indoor Track and Field: 14 (LSU 11, Tennessee 2, Florida 1)

Outdoor Track and Field: 16 (LSU 14, Auburn 1, South Carolina 1)

And now for the bragging rights...

MOST NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS (TOTAL)

LSU 45

Arkansas 44

Georgia 27

Florida 24

Tennessee 17

Alabama 16

Auburn 16

Kentucky 10

South Carolina 2

Mississippi 1

Vanderbilt 1

Mississippi State 0

MOST NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP SPORTS

Florida 10

Georgia 8

LSU 8

Tennessee 7

Arkansas 5

Auburn 4

Kentucky 4

Alabama 2

South Carolina 2

Mississippi 1

Vanderbilt 1

Mississippi State 0

More thank likely, I made a few errors, but in my defense I did graduate from a SEC school.

As someone who has, for the better part of what passes for his adulthood, been employed by "the gummint" in various capacities, I can attest to the inefficiencies and general incompetence of top-heavy bureaucracies. Every now and then, however, the dog manages to wag its own tail rather than the other way around, and accomplishes something perfect. Schadenfreude, vengeance, blood lust satisfied, call it what you will; today I, and I'm sure countless others, revel in the death of a truly evil man. Yes, one even more so than James Patrick Tressel.

FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO

FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO

FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO FIRE ADDAZIO

Jack Fact is well aware that he can't do Noir Rich Brooks justice, but please cut him some slack. He's at home today with a sick kid, bored senseless and feeling about as original as an Addazio game plan. Thus, this. To Auburn fans, this too shall pass. To Gamecocks, I wish you nothing but pain and continued suffering this Saturday. To everyone else, enjoy the awkwardness of the Tigers-Bulldogs game. Go Gators.

Controlling one's fate. It's cliche' to say that it's an illusion, a dream conjured up by desperate mortals as a means to make sense of a chaotic and cruel universe. Thankfully, we here concern ourselves with college football, an endeavor enamored with cliche', illusion, desperation and cruelty. And so, as championship and bowl season emerge on the horizon, we hear the talking heads speak of the ability of teams, coaches and players to form their own destiny, and grab the brass ring/crystal football/continued employment. Fans are no different, and thus we look now at those who hold at least a tenuous grip on 2010 glory, and college football immortality...

Jack Fact, like Les Miles, is a beneficiary of embracing fatalism. It is the coping mechanism through which he has maintained sanity while experiencing the horror of Florida's 2010 offense. Go Gators.

If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then one must expect that, due to their offensive acumen, Oregon will be flattered sincerely for seasons to come. Installing the Ducks' offense, however, can't be done in-season, and in fact more than likely would take years of recruiting, planning and practice for it to be executed at the level done so by Chip Kelly's squad.

Well, Nick Saban your coach doesn't have time for that sh*t. That's why you can expect to see the most easily copied aspect of the offense, the cryptic four-image poster used by the walk-on QB to signal in the next play, you know, these...

...to be utilized by your team as soon as this coming Saturday. In fact, our sources have secured the following examples of what you soon may see:

FLORIDA

BOISE STATE

MICHIGAN

ALABAMA

FLORIDA ATLANTIC

WEST VIRGINIA

TEXAS

AUBURN

LSU

RUTGERS

Jack Fact has been known to stand roadside and hold home-made signs, all of which decry the continued inexplicable employment of Steve Addazio, and that do so utilizing extremely foul language, crudely-drawn images, and pure, out-of-proportion hate. Go Gators.

It has been, to say the least, a stressful October for Florida Offensive Coordinator Steve Addazio. Writers, alumni, fans and, one suspects, his own house pets have called for his ouster due to what some describe as "uninspired play-calling" and others "&%$#*!!!" Discontent has grown over the past three weeks following losses to Alabama (expected,) LSU (disappointing) and Mississippi State (Zook-like,) the last two of which were witnessed by home crowds who expect, reasonably or not, a red-zone scoring percentage at least slightly higher than the unemployment rate. One can only imagine how difficult it must be, in times such as these, for Coach Addazio to escape, if only for a few rare moments, the crushing expectations that come with his high-profile position. With his health and that of the program's in mind, and with the bye week upon us, we suggest the following quick get-aways, all within a short driving distance from his oh dear God please let it soon be vacated constricting office:

Lake Alice: Formerly known as "Jonah's Pond" and named, for no reason whatsoever, after the Biblical prophet who was throw overboard by his own men and swallowed by an aquatic beast, Lake Alice is one of the few spots in Gainesville where one can view actual alligators in their natural habitat. Quiet, serene, and not at all infested with man-eating reptiles of unusual size, the nearby University-owned spot is the perfect location for a day free of your limbs cares and worries. Don't mind the multiple "no swimming" and "don't feed the alligators" signs posted throughout the park; those are intended for souls who lack the devil-may-care attitude that throws caution to the mind and non-running quarterbacks into option formations that fool absolutely no one.

The Devil's Millhopper: Just two miles outside of Gainesville lies the Devil' Millhopper Geological State Park, home of the eponymous 120-foot deep sinkhole. As you descend into its hellish maw cooling depths, wonder at the layered geological record of the area, as well as its three distinct ecological environments. Now, some say one can't appreciate these sights when plummeting head-first at terminal velocity, but those are the kind of nay-sayers who would deride slamming a 150-pound back time after time after time between the tackles and behind an offensive line that can best be described as "present."

Volusia County Beaches: Although primarily famous for their celebrations of spring break, motorcycling and stock car racing, the 47 miles of Volusia County's beaches also offer the relaxation-seeking visitor ample opportunities to escape the "noise in the system." Why not, for example, seek sanctuary among the area's diverse and totally-not-man-eating marine fauna? UF researchers have found that the optimum place to do so is in less than six feet of water during a Sunday full moon, and that one should wear a black-and-white bathing suit while communing with your new-found animal friends. Additionally, locals suggest slathering one's self in chum and thrashing about like a wounded seal to be even more "at one" with the completely-harmless local wildlife. Now, some would argue that caution is warranted in an area known as the "Shark Attack Capital of the World," but you're Steve Addazio, a man unafraid to call for 5-6 yard pass routes...repeatedly...when down by 3...and seconds are left on the clock...90 yards from the end zone!!!

Jack Fact wants it to be known that in no way does he really wish bodily harm upon Steve Addazio, who he believes could hold his own against alligators, sharks, and gravity...assuming none of those are capable of lining up eleven men on the other side of the ball.

Amid the world-wide fanfare surrounding the continuing rescue of the 33 Chilean miners a few surprising details have emerged. For example, many of these heroes are devout college football fans who, even more surprisingly, speak fluent English. Join us now as we see these men, mere seconds after reaching the surface, make their allegiances known.

Jack Fact realizes that this probably falls under the "too soon" category, but unlike the past weekend for Florida and Bama fans, this story (so far, fingers crossed) has a happy ending.

These are the 70 words required for a SB Nation Fan Post: Congrats, LSU fans; your coach performed slightly better...at home...against a 50% freshman Tennessee team than did the UAB staff. Money. Well. Spent. Worse yet, Michigan Denard Robinson is undefeated, thus eliminating any chance Ann Arbor will take the Mad Hatter off your hands any time soon. But, hey, no worries: still on the schedule are Florida*, Auburn, Arkansas and Bama.

* - This comes from a UF alum, who at the time of this post is watching Nick Saban take Urbie to school.

When we look to the future, we must pay respect to the past. With that in mind two Saturdays hence Stanford will host USC when the two meet for the first time since last year's comeuppance display of poor sportsmanship. Many of you will recall the post-game, mid-field inquisitive posed by former USC coach Pete Carroll to Stanford's Jim Harbaugh. However, what you may not know is that, unlike the now-mocking imperative "WIN FOREVER," Carroll did not originate the rhetorical "what's your deal?" phrase. Join us now as we examine how it entered Pete's lexicon and its continuing evolution, via the magic of sleep-deprived speculation and some MS Paint knock-off freeware.

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West Virginia and LSU have agreed to a two-year football series beginning in 2010, officials from both schools announced on Thursday.

The first game will be held on Sept. 25, 2010 in Baton Rouge, with LSU scheduled to visit Morgantown on Sept. 24, 2011.

The two schools have never met in football.

-ESPN.com, Feb. 26, 2009

I am not a religious man these days, for as someone who received the majority of my formal education via the Catholic Church I feel that I have more than "given at the office" in that regard. However, try as I might to live a secular life I often find myself examining, if only sub-consciously and in passing, the mundane through the distorted prism of scripture.

I am particularly sensitive to that found in the History Channel's second favorite historical work (after "Mein Kampf,") the Book of Revelation. Although John's visions are no more gospel to me these days than, say, the Gospels, every now and then an event unfolds that makes me think, "maybe, just maybe..." ESPN's announcement regarding the West Virginia-LSU home-and-home series was more than such an event; it in fact regressed me to my ten-year old self...a boy who believed...and upon learning of it I fell to my knees (facing Bristol, naturally) and cried out, "You maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!"

(Bob Stoops shares Mr. Heston's Statue of Liberty-fueled apocalyptic nightmares; his therapy consists of visualizing Ian Johnson immobilized in a hellish trap from which there is no hope of escape.)

(Pictured: Bob Stoops' happy place)

For you see, at that moment I had my own revelation, or so I thought. Quickly consulting my dusty Bible, I confirmed both my belief and my fear. Of course LSU and West Virginia had never before met on the field, for if they had the end of days would surely have already come to pass. How could it be otherwise? To collect in one place the drunken, unrepentant barbarian hordes that make up these teams' fanbases (and I mean that in the nicest way) would be to curse God and dare Him to make John's prophesies come to pass. Could ESPN be so ignorant and/or evil as to televise the world's end?

That was rhetorical

I completely understand if many of you doubt my conclusions, and since I have already written on my own lack of faith it would be hypocritical to challenge yours. Still, I ask you to read, as I have, Revelation's words with an open mind, and upon doing so ask yourselves whether or a quality OOC game is worth the extinguishing of all existence. Without further ado, then, the scripture:

"They had on their heads crowns of gold." (Rev. 4:4)

"And they had a king over them, which is the angel of the bottomless pit." (Rev. 9:11)

"A man-child, who was to rule all nations with a rod or iron." (Rev. 12:5)

Get it? Rod of iron = red stick = baton rouge? It's so clear!!!

"And I looked, and behold a pale horse, and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him." (Rev. 12:5)

"And every free man hid themselves in the dens and in the rocks of the mountains." (Rev. 6:15)

"And the inhabitants of the earth have been made drunk." (Rev. 17:2)

"Who is like unto this beast? Who is able to make war with him?" (Rev. 13:4)

Certainly not these two happy-go-lucky fellas.

"And I saw another angel ascending from the east." (Rev. 7:2)

"And out of the throne proceeded lightnings and thunderings and voices." (Rev. 4:5)

"And there was a war in heaven." (Rev. 12:7) "And the temple was filled with smoke." (Rev. 15:8)

"And every living soul died in the sea." (Rev. 16:3)

"And there came a great voice out of the temple of heaven, from the throne, saying, IT IS DONE." (Rev. 16:17)

"Alas, alas, that great city, that was clothed in fine linen, and purple...and decked with gold! For in one hour so great riches is come to naught." (Rev. 18:16-17)

Healthy skepticism is in most case warranted, but in light what has been presented to you, do we dare chance the unthinkable slaughter of armageddon in favor of the usual slaughter of a Big East team by the SEC? Tiger and Mountaineer fans, I beg of you; meet not in Death Valley! Apart you are two affronts to all that is decent; together you are the destroyer of worlds.

We all know the story: Appalachian State 34, Michigan 32. First win by a FCS program over a ranked BCS team, yada yada yada. Can it happen again? That was rhetorical; in an infinite universe not only CAN it happen again, it MUST come to pass over and over and over again (this is a theory embraced by conference doormats, who hope only to live long enough to witness the inevitable Vandy-Duke title game.) Will it happen THIS year? Probably not, but if it does the pant-shitting will likely occur in the first week, as seven ranked squads will be snacking on yummy, yummy FCS cupcakes.

So the question I pose to my fellow fans of forecasting fail, which of the following matchups is the most likely to be "Appalachian'd?"

Florida A&M @ #13 Miami

Youngstown State @ #4 Penn State

Samford @ #20 Florida State

Eastern Illinois @ #9 Iowa

South Carolina State @ #16 Georgia Tech

Coastal Carolina @ #25 West Virginia

Tennessee Tech @ #17 Arkansas

Actually PREDICTING an upset grants you eternal boasting rights here at EDSBS, as well as years of hate mail and burning bags of dog crap from otherwise civilized alums (note: does not, obviously, apply to fervent Miami fans, as even in an infinite universe some things do NOT exist.)

First, some information about me that will interest you not at all.

I am married. I have children. I own a home where they all live, and a job that pays for that home.

That said, I have just purchased NCAA Football 11 (for the PS3,) and if I am to be completely honest, I would leave my family, burn down my home and stand in the unemployment line if it would result in AN ABILITY TO BEAT BAMA ON "EXPERT" LEVEL GODDAMN YOU VIRTUAL MARK INGRAM DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!

DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE GODDAMN YOU (VIRTUALLY) DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are my priorities out of order? That was rhetorical, but yes, yes they are. You should know that while I'm not what one would call a "hard-core" gamer, this semi-annual $60 purchase sees me (with a strong assist from Spencer and the EDSBS crew's efforts) through the long, dark tea-time of the off-season. I suspect that, given our mutual interest in all things college football, that many of you share with me the same withdrawal coping methods.

And so I now propose what the title of this post implies; that we create an online EDSBS-friendly NCAA 11 league or leagues for the coming season. This is such an obvious idea that I'm certain that I'm not the first to mention it, and if such a thing already exists I would happily accept an invite to join (I would also accept cheat codes that would allow me to tackle Ingram, or even better, digitally decapitate him early in the first quarter.) If no such league exists, well, why the hell not?

Submit your suggestions below regarding the formation and structure of such a league. I'm not much of an online gamer (the internet scares and confuses me,) so someone with more experience in these matters (i.e. any 13 year-old Phillipinos out there commenting from an internet cafe) would need to step up and organize this.

What say you?

SCENE: The University of Texas Athletic Department's private opium den, bordello, sweat lodge and BBQ pit, June 14, 2010.  Athletic Director DELOSS DODDS and Head Football Coach MACK BROWN recline sweaty, nude and sated upon a tiger-skin sofa while toking languidly from a hookah crafted from the head of a buffalo. On a matching oversized ottoman lounges RICKY WILLIAMS, who is having his anus expertly tickled with jayhawk feathers by a Oklahoma State coed while he suckles on a rack of ribs. PAC-10 commissioner LARRY SCOTT awkwardly straddles a bearskin ottoman, his sweat drenching the tailored linen suit he chose as he'd been told that this was to be a casual meeting.

DODDS: "-and so then I told T. Boone he better lick the sweat from my short hairs and call it single malt scotch!"

(DODDS, BROWN and WILLIAMS explode in Texas-sized guffaws. SCOTT nervously giggles as his palm-sweat stains a thick stack of documents in one hand while it makes his grip on a pen in the other a dicey proposition.)

SCOTT: "Good one, Double-D! Um, can I call you Double-D?"

DODDS: "Aw, hell son, you can call me R.C. Slocum's scrotum if you just let us hold onto those piddlin' lil' ol' regional TV rights."

SCOTT: "Um, yes, er, about that-"

BROWN: "Oh, and hey, givin' up on that whole commie equal revenue-sharin' thang would sure go a long way toward hookin' us Horns. I mean, it's not like Iowa State would spend their share on anything but meth and fat chicks! Amirite?"

(BROWN and DODDS high-five.)

SCOTT: "Yeah, well, you see-"

WILLIAMS (exhaling): "And some gratis quality tree wouldn't hurt your cause none, either."

DODDS: "Word, Ricky. Word."

SCOTT: "Now that, my friend, is an actionable item! Our franchises in Berkeley and Eugene can provide an ample supply stream to meet your recreational pharmaceutical needs. That said, gentlemen, I think you may be failing to visualize the big picture here. Imagine if you will a league of sixteen extraordinary higher learning consumption units dispersed amongst every major media outlet west of the Mississippi…a super-conference, as it were, the likes of which have never been-"

(BOOM!!! In a hickory and bourbon-scented cloud of steam appears the ghost of GENERAL ROBERT NEYLAND, nude but for a rumpled wide-brim hat and an orange jockstrap.)

NEYLAND: "I SAY, I SAID I SAY THAT BOY'S LIKE A RHINESTONED HONEY POT…FANCY BUT FULL O' SHIT!!!"

BROWN: "Beebe?"

DODDS: "Slive?"

WILLIAMS: "Foghorn Leghorn?"

NEYLAND: "The name's Robert Reese Neyland, BUT YOU WILL CALL ME GENERAL! I didn't kick the vinegar outta the krauts in two fucking wars just t'be called Robert by the likes of you teet-sucklin' fancy boys!"

"I will kill y'all with this heah whistle!"

SCOTT: "Yeah, listen, um, 'General.' This is a closed-door meeting, ok? I'm sure Coach Brown will be happy to listen to your folksy yarns at the next booster gathering, so if you'd be so kind as to-"

BROWN (aside to SCOTT): "Actually that's a job I delegated to Muschamp. Got me a contract through 2016 and that dumb fuck STILL thinks he's the coach-in-waiting!"

NEYLAND: "SHUT YER HOLES! Y'all have had more noses up inside ya than the octo-mom and so prob'ly think yer shit is slicker'n teflon pussy. Well, I'm fixin' to learn y'all different-like. Samuel Goldwyn Gayer-than-Rock Hudson would have y'all believe his would be the end-all-be-all of collegiate pigskin affiliations, but any Southern football enthusiast worth his sweet tea will tellya that ain't so. Gather 'round, ya wine-sippin' flits, and lemme tell y'all about the ol' Southern Conference."

WILLIAMS (scooping Doritos from a bowl with Bob Stoops' visor): "YES! I love story time!"

NEYLAND: "Back in 1929 twenty-three schools…that's ex-ex-eye-eye-eye fer you Big XII types…formed the most shit-kicking conference God or man had ever seen. Mebbe ya'll have heard of a few of em': 'Bama, Auburn, Clemson, Duke, Flawrda, Gawja, Gawja Tech, Kentuckah, L'weezyana State, Mary'lan, Mis'sippah, Mis'sippah State, Nor'karlina, Nor'karlina State, See'wanee-"

DODDS: "Sewanee?!?"

NEYLAND: "Buncha eggheads, they was. Vandy before Vandy was Vandy, I reckon'. Now don't, I say don't be interruptin' me again. Where was I? Oh yeah, Sou'karlina, my beloved Tenn'see, Toolane, Vandy, Virginny, Virginny Tech, n' VMI. Pac-16?!? Hell, boys, sixteen's just a make-out party; twenny-three's a N'awlins orgy that'd make that ol' whore-monger Shug Jordan blush!"

BROWN: "Now hold on a cotton-pickin' minute…sorry, Ricky. No offense meant toward your people."

WILLIAMS: "Millionaire head cases?"

BROWN: "Do you mean to tell me that when I was at North Carolina I was coaching in a mega-conference? Hell, I shoulda been making Galen Hall money back then!"

NEYLAND: "Boy, you're thicker'n the shit of the town's molasses maker. In 1933 twelve schools, two of em named Sewanee and Gawja Tech, left to rustle up the Ess-Eee-See. Twenny years laytah seven more schools left to jimmy up the ACC. Point is, I say the point is that super-conferences were never meant to be, you see. You gotta better chance of containing that many head-strong injun chiefs as this jockstrap does of holdin' in the General's aide-de-camps, if ya' get mah drift."

DODDS: "Yeah, but, well, I dunno. I mean, Texas seems like more of a natural fit with schools like SC, U-Dub and Cal than it does with K-State. Plus, ol' Scotty boy here was about to offer us a disproportionate share of any TV money AND allow us to pursue our own Longhorn network.

SCOTT: "Actually, my vision involves equal revenue sharing and a Pac-16 network."

DODDS: "Then you need to get your eyes checked, son. We're bringing lots to this party, like built-in rivalries that guarantee ratings-"

SCOTT: "Of course. But only if A&M and Oklahoma reject the SEC's offer."

DODDS: "You mean to tell me that our biggest rivals could get SEC money, start their own networks, while we'd have to share the pie with Wazzu and Colorado?"

(Uncomfortable silence)

DODDS: "You know what? I think we can make a down-sized Big XXII work after all, just as long as every school not named Texas swallows their manhood!"

(Oklahoma State head coach MIKE GUNDY emerges from between DODDS' legs.)

GUNDY: "I'm a man!"

DODDS: "Shut up and get back to work, Mike! How'd you like Okie State to be the second-best Oklahoma school in Conference USA?"

NEYLAND: "Mah work here is done. Now, I say now if y'all will excuse me I gotta go exact Old Testament-like revenge upon that snivelin' shit Lane Kiffin. Whady'all think; herpes or NCAA sanctions?"

EPILOGUE: Lane Kiffin has herpes.

Scene: The Palmer House Hotel, Chicago 1907. Assembled at the executive meeting room's table are the presidents of the Universities of Michigan, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Illinois, Chicago, Iowa and Indiana, as well as the heads of Purdue and Northwestern University. All are resplendent in the coats and tails, stovepipe hats and monocles, with one exception…a mysterious figure lingers in a darkened corner of the room, noisily swigging rye from a dented flask while the gentlemen in tuxedos take indifferent sips from their post-dinner cognacs. As host and de facto commissioner of this conference, University of Chicago President Harry Pratt Judson steps to the dais.

JUDSON: "Ahoy hoy!"

ASSEMBLAGE: "Ahoy hoy!"

(Judson taps his megaphone)

JUDSON: "Is this thing on? I said 'ahoy hoy!"

ASSEMBLAGE: "AHOY HOY!!!"

JUDSON: "Bully! Gentlemen, these are exciting times, and our Intercollegiate Conference of Faculty Representatives, or as the filthy Irish call it, "the Big Nine," is poised to carpe diem!

ASSEMBLAGE: "Huzzah! Huzzah!"

JUDSON: "Now, we have matters of much import to discuss, but before we so engage, the University of Michigan has made application to entertain us with some scintillating developments. Good and esteemed sir, the floor is yours."

(All eyes turn to Michigan President James Burrill Angell, who is distracted by the exposed ankles of a Chinese spittoon attendant. Taking advantage of the pregnant pause in the proceedings, the mysterious figure staggers to the podium, snatches the megaphone, and proceeds to bludgeon Judson into submission with it.)

FIELDING H. YOST: "Ahoy hoy!

ASSEMBLAGE: (Meekly) "Ahoy h-"

YOST: "SHADDUP! Now listen up, ya mutts! Perfesser Egghead here was right about one 'ting in dat deez are exciting times fer us…and by us I mean Michigan football. FIGHT ON BLUE AND MAIZE!!!"

IOWA: (aside to ILLINOIS) "Maize?"

ILLINOIS: "It's what your people call corn."

YOST: "Now the ways I hears it, Mr. Henry Ford is fixin' to build him a horseless carriage factory dat'll bring thousands of sawbucks of into the state. THOUSANDS I TELLS YA!!!"

PURDUE: "A passing fancy!"

NORTHWESTERN: "A novelty, nothing more!"

YOST: "SHUT YER YAPS! I ain't even told you the best part yet! I heard me a rumor dat soon the Marconi will carry voices across tens of miles. TENS I TELLS YA!!!"

MINNESOTA: "Wizardry!"

WISCONSIN: "A child's plaything!"

YOST: "Yeah, yeah, yeah you'll see! On autumn Saturdays you'll see all those tin lizzies headin' into Ann Arbor! You'll hear the wireless sounds of football coming from Ann Arbor!"

(A window flies open and a COSTUMED RAKE with an oversized head appears)

COSTUMED RAKE: "Ann Arbor is a woman of ill repute of the type unfit for gatherings in polite society!!!"

YOST: "WHO SED DAT?!?"

INDIANA: "Oh, that was Ohio State. They've tried in vain to infiltrate our gatherings for half a score."

ILLINOIS: "We will admit Michigan State University before those buckeye vagabonds, on this I swear!"

YOST: "Aw, never mind dat dirty brute and listens up some more! The ways I seez it, seeings how all deez carriages will be comin' to see us, and seeings how all deez folks will want to hear us, and seeings how our boys have owned the gridiron, it stands to reason dat-"

CHICAGO: "I dissent! Chicago have emerged victorious two autumns consecutive!"

YOST: "WE WUZ INSTALLIN' DA SINGLE WING!!! DEEZ TINGS TAKE TIME!!! Now, where wuz I?"

NORTHWESTERN (checking his notes): "I believe you digressed upon, 'it stands to reason…"

YOST: "Right. Anyways, it stands to reason dat we gets the lion's share of the proceeds from dis here windfall. So I propose-"

WISCONSIN: "What is this windfall of which you speak? Collegiate athletics provides no revenue! Why, the mere consideration of such impurity offends me greatly!"

YOST: "You know what offends me greatly? Lack of vision, you fat-faced hun! Think of it! We coulds charge, why, a nickel for the privilege of watch our boys tussle! We coulds create our own Marconi transmitter and folks would pays good folding money to hear the game! All Michigan asks in return is 50% of the profits! It can't lose!"

(A bleeding Harry Pratt Judson regains consciousness and confronts Yost at the podium.)

JUDSON: "Enough, say I! This vulgar proposition approaches blasphemy! You, sir, are exchanging monies in the temple, and this shall not stand!"

YOST: "Yeah, well I taut yous might say dat. Maybe da boyz over in dat new MVIAA will tink differently."

(The assemblage gives each other bemused looks.)

MINNESOTA: "You speak of the Missouri Valley Intercollegiate Athletic Association?"

PURDUE: "Kansas?"

INDIANA: "Missouri?"

IOWA: "Nebraska?!? Surely, good sir, you play upon us a most humorous jest! Not one of those institutions would be worthy to attend this gathering of learned scholars!"

YOST: "Learned scholars, huh? Yeah, sez you. Last time I checked only us, Chicago and Wisconsin were AAU members…the rest of youz might as well be southern public schools!"

(An uncomfortable silence.)

YOST: "Yeah, that's what I taut. To hell with you all! This Michigan man is leavin'!"

MICHIGAN: "But aren't you, in fact, from the state of West Virginia?"

YOST: "Um, well, yes…BUT I'LL BE THE LAST WEST VIRGINIAN TO EVER COACH THE MAIZE AND BLUE!!!" /slams rye, punches the costumed rake and leaves.

(Epilogue: Michigan left the Big 9 prior to the 1907 season and didn't return until ten years later. By that time the Ohio State University had finally successfully crashed the party.)