Here are the "guaranteed" NCAA picks; that is, "guaranteed" to be revised by Saturday.

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The Packers and Steelers face off in Dallas, where Jerry Jones has convinced himself that the Cowboys "won" the Super Bowl. Aaron Rodgers look to emerge completely from the shadow of Brett Favre, while Ben Roethlisberger, also a bit "shady," looks for his third title.

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Cowboys-Texans

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The Cowboys face their first must-win game of the year, challenging the Texans in Houston. The Saints host the Falcons, the Dolphins and Jets square off for the AFC East lead, and the Packers and Bears meet in a battle of NFC North leaders.

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The Steelers visit Tennessee, looking to defend the Terrible Towel. The Bengals host the Ravens, and the Patriots and Jets square off for AFC East supremacy, as well as a battle to see who can be more offensive to a female reporter.

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Kevin Harvick outpaced Tony Stewart and Denny Hamlin to win at Michigan, and clinched a spot in the Chase in the process. Harvick also announced Budweiser as his 2011 sponsor. The night race at Bristol awaits, as the final Chase spots hang in the balance.

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Brett Favre's annual decision is looming, and his waffling persona has irritated many.  Favre's behavior should be praised as a crusade against society's expectations of instant gratification. Plus, a sneak peak into the "Brett Favre Tribute Album."

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Brett Favre's annual decision is looming, and his waffling persona has irritated many. But Favre's behavior should be praised as a crusade against society's expectations of instant gratification. Plus, a sneak peak into the "Brett Favre Tribute Album."

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Juan Montoya won handily at Watkins Glen, outpointing Kurt Busch to capture his first win of the year. Kevin Harvick maintains the points lead, while jockeying near the Chase bubble heats up as the series heads to Michigan.

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Greg Biffle won at Pocono, giving Roush Fenway Racing its first win of the year. A late crash brought out a red flag and altered pit strategy, likely costing Jeff Gordon the win. Kevin Harvick contines to lead the points, with five races until the Chase.

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Fox Sports NFL analyst Jimmy Johnson is currently a contestant on the CBS series Survivor: Nicaragua, which will air in September. Johnson, who coached the Miami Hurricanes to a national championship and the Dallas Cowboys to two Super Bowls, is also a spokesman for ExtenZe male enhancement pills. What should we make of Johnson’s status as a celebrity endorser and reality star?

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Fox Sports NFL analyst Jimmy Johnson is currently a contestant on the CBS series Survivor: Nicaragua, which will air in September. Johnson, who coached the Miami Hurricanes to a national championship and the Dallas Cowboys to two Super Bowls, is also a spokesman for ExtenZe male enhancement pills. What should we make of Johnson’s status as a celebrity endorser and reality star?

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Jamie McMurray won at Indianapolis, taking his second win of the year after a critical final pit stop. Kevin Harvick finished second, his third runner-up of the year, and Hendrick teammates Jeff Gordon and jimmie Johnson faced handling issues.

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* After Darrelle Revis writes a scathing review of Chad Ochocinco's reality dating show, The Ultimate Catch, for People magazine, Ochocinco takes to Twitter, proving that off the field, or on it, he has nothing but weak rebuttals to Revis' "press coverage."

 * JaMarcus Russell's legal troubles take a dramatic downturn when an investigation into a drive-by shooting in Muscle Shoals, Alabama turns up a handgun registered to Michael Vick in Russell's 1983 Rolls-Royce. Russell experiences a disturbing case of déjà vu when he is charged with possession of "Vick's .44."

In a related development, Nipsy Russell III signs on to play the lead role in National Lampoon's unofficial Michael Vick comeback story, a movie very loosely based on South Africa's role in the 1995 Rugby World Cup, called Convictus.

* After a Week 17 27-13 win over the Bills, the Jets roar into the playoffs as convincing AFC East champions. On the eve of a divisional round contest with the Ravens, a rookie cop in East Rutherford mistakes LaDainian Tomlinson for the real "L.T.," Lawrence Taylor, and arrests Tomlinson. Tomlinson is held overnight, and before the mess gets straightened out, he misses the game, furthering the notion that Tomlinson "disappears for the playoffs."

* Just minutes after announcing his return to the Vikings in an ESPN special entitled "The Indecision," hosted by Sasha Grey, Brett Favre reveals the details of his new venture into the world of the fashion industry. Sales of Favre's new line of clothing, geared to graying, indecisive 40-somethings and crafted with a rugged, Norse-themed style, skyrocket, and not soon after, an "Old Scandi-Navy' outlet opens in the Mall of America.

Favre is later pranked on a Johnny Knoxville/Ashton Kutcher collaboration called "Punkass", in which Knoxville sidekick Bam Margera "antiques" Favre. *

The Seattle Seahawks win the NFC West with a 10-6 record, a vast improvement over last year's 5-11 campaign. Head coach Pete Carroll wins the NFL's Coach of the Year award, and credits his success to youthful exuberance, honed by years in the college game, as well as a payroll equal to that which he enjoyed at USC, in his acceptance speech.

* Perennial playboy Tony Romo, tired of his dating exploits overshadowing those on the field, makes a vow of abstinence, promising that his duties as Dallas quarterback won't be affected by the constraints and responsibilities of a relationship. A Dallas newspaper scribe dubs Romo the 'Space Cowboy,' and although his bond with tight end Jason Witten suffers, Romo's play doesn't, and he peaks in a December 12th showdown against the Eagles. Romo throws for 401 yards and 4 touchdowns in a 38-37 win over Philadelphia.

* Jimmy Clausen wins the Panthers' starting quarterback job, outpacing Matt Moore in a close training camp battle. After an initial clash of personalities with wide receiver Steve Smith, which results in a black eye for Clausen, the two form a feared connection, combining for 3 touchdowns in the season's first two games. Clausen ends the year as the highest-rated rookie quarterback, while Smith registers 8 touchdown receptions.

* Terrell Owens shamelessly pleads his case for a job with the Patriots and Bill Belichick, taking out a full-page advertisement in the Boston Herald, claiming he "Fits the 'Bill.'" Belichick offers a quick reply, taking out a two-page in the Herald where a succinct "N-O" appears in the paper's centerfold.

Then, just days before the regular season begins, a desperate Owens signs a one-year contract with the Buccaneers for the bargain price of $325,000. After Owens is released after Tampa's Week 3 26-17 loss to the Steelers, funny man Frank Caliendo spoofs the situation by appearing on FOX's pre-game show as a chubby Fred Durst, singing Limp Bizkit's "I Did it All For the Rookie (Minimum)."

* Tennessee's Chris Johnson discusses the details of his new contract in an interview with the NFL Network's Adam Schefter. Johnson praises the Titans commitment, and claims he is perfectly happy with the terms of the deal, which include a $2 million salary in 2010, as well as a comprehensive dental plan.

Johnson injures a hamstring in the Titans' final preseason game and misses the regular season's first four games. He returns to the field on October 10th in Dallas, where he blisters the Cowboys for 206 yards.

Despite missing four games in his holdout, Johnson proves his worth by rushing for 2,002 yards in only 12 games, then threatens another holdout unless the Titans renegotiate his contract. Johnson wins the NFL Offensive Player of the Year award, but again fails to garner a single vote for the MVP, which is awarded to Peyton Manning, an issue Johnson vehemently protests, with the help of rapper and friend Kanye West.

* Jeremy Shockey makes an appearance in the season three finale of HBO's True Blood, playing a mysterious character who refuses to bow to vampires, werewolves, shape-shifters, telepaths, gay-albeit-macho prostitute/drug dealer/short-order cooks, or other supernatural beings. Shockey's character is short-lived, and is written out of the script when he incites a fight with Stephen Moyer, after refusing to participate in rookie actor hazing. Shockey and the Saints capture the NFC South crown, but fall to the Packers 27-13 in frigid Green Bay in the divisional round.

* Pittsburgh kicker Jeff Reed is arrested on Thanksgiving night at a Penn Hills, Pennsylvania Best Buy after store clerks observe him playing Wii golf wearing only a pair of cleats. After posting bail, Reed, still nude, is interviewed by a local television station, and defiantly declares himself a "free spirit" and a "fantasy stud." Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin suspends Reed for one game, and ridicules him for several more.

 Reed returns to action on December 5th at Baltimore, where he misses a 27-yard field goal to send the game into overtime. The Steelers lose 23-20 and eventually finish the season 9-7.

* The Jets Antonio Cromartie records only 27 tackles on the year, but leads the AFC with 9 interceptions, proving that for what he lacks in run support, he makes up for in child support and ball-hawking skills. The former Chargers defensive back, who has seven children with six different women in five different states, but only one country, is lauded for his play during a 2-interception effort at New England on December 6th, in which John Gruden describes his coverage skills as "impregnable."

* Adrian Peterson, whose handshake has attained legendary status, sets a Guinness world record by cracking 31 walnuts with a single bare hand. Despite his record-breaking show of hand strength, Peterson is still plagued by fumbling issues. He tries a number of new age remedies, including hypnosis, acupuncture, and finger puppets, to no avail, but eventually finds a satisfactory solution with a pair of his girlfriend's exfoliating bath gloves.

Peterson ends the year with only 5 fumbles, and leads the NFC in rushing with 1,485 yards.

* Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert purchases 1,741 tickets to the Browns December 5th game at Miami and charters a caravan of buses filled with Browns fans making the trip from Cleveland to Miami. When asked about his motives, Gilbert says he "wants to make sure the game, like Lebron James, is a 'sellout.'"

 * After a 30-23 win over the Dolphins in Miami on September 26th, Jets teammates Santonio Holmes and Braylon Edwards celebrate in downtown Miami Beach hot spot Mansion. After sharing a joint with Holmes, Edwards inexplicably sucker-punches a patron, who turns out to be the only remaining friend of Lebron James.

* Former Panthers captain Julius Peppers finds contentment in Chicago, obviously more comfortable with a "C" on his helmet than on his jersey, revitalizing the Bears' defense with 14 sacks and 2 interceptions on the year.

 * Jason Campbell, despite finding himself in a similar situation, with a struggling team, a rabid fan base, and an owner who knows little to nothing about football, flourishes in Oakland. Campbell throws for 3 touchdowns in the Raiders' 26-21 opening week loss in Tennessee, thereby matching JaMarcus Russell's 2009 output. Oakland finishes a respectable 7-9, good for third place in the AFC West.

* Under the terms of Shaun Rogers' gun arrest diversion program, the Browns defensive tackle is to, under no circumstances, refer to his preparations for a road trip as "packing."

Rogers acts on his best behavior, and enjoys a solid season, recording 6 sacks, and a photograph of his devastating knockout hit on Laurence Maroney against New England on November 7th graces the Sports Illustrated cover, with the appropriate caption "Pat Down."

After Darrelle Revis writes a scathing review of Chad Ochocinco's reality dating show, The Ultimate Catch, for People magazine, Ochocinco takes to Twitter, proving that off the field, or on it, he has nothing but weak rebuttals to Revis' "press coverage."

JaMarcus Russell's legal troubles take a dramatic downturn when an investigation into a drive-by shooting in Muscle Shoals, Alabama turns up a handgun registered to Michael Vick in Russell's 1983 Rolls-Royce. Russell experiences a disturbing case of déjà vu when he is charged with possession of "Vick's .44."

In a related development, Nipsy Russell III signs on to play the lead role in National Lampoon's unofficial Michael Vick comeback story, a movie very loosely based on South Africa's role in the 1995 Rugby World Cup, called Convictus.

* After a Week 17 27-13 win over the Bills, the Jets roar into the playoffs as convincing AFC East champions. On the eve of a divisional round contest with the Ravens, a rookie cop in East Rutherford mistakes LaDainian Tomlinson for the real "L.T.," Lawrence Taylor, and arrests Tomlinson. Tomlinson is held overnight, and before the mess gets straightened out, he misses the game, furthering the notion that Tomlinson "disappears for the playoffs."

* Just minutes after announcing his return to the Vikings in an ESPN special entitled "The Indecision," hosted by Sasha Grey, Brett Favre reveals the details of his new venture into the world of the fashion industry. Sales of Favre's new line of clothing, geared to graying, indecisive 40-somethings and crafted with a rugged, Norse-themed style, skyrocket, and not soon after, an "Old Scandi-Navy' outlet opens in the Mall of America.

 Favre is later pranked on a Johnny Knoxville/Ashton Kutcher collaboration called "Punkass", in which Knoxville sidekick Bam Margera "antiques" Favre.

* The Seattle Seahawks win the NFC West with a 10-6 record, a vast improvement over last year's 5-11 campaign. Head coach Pete Carroll wins the NFL's Coach of the Year award, and credits his success to youthful exuberance, honed by years in the college game, as well as a payroll equal to that which he enjoyed at USC, in his acceptance speech.

* Perennial playboy Tony Romo, tired of his dating exploits overshadowing those on the field, makes a vow of abstinence, promising that his duties as Dallas quarterback won't be affected by the constraints and responsibilities of a relationship. A Dallas newspaper scribe dubs Romo the 'Space Cowboy,' and although his bond with tight end Jason Witten suffers, Romo's play doesn't, and he peaks in a December 12th showdown against the Eagles. Romo throws for 401 yards and 4 touchdowns in a 38-37 win over Philadelphia.

* Jimmy Clausen wins the Panthers' starting quarterback job, outpacing Matt Moore in a close training camp battle. After an initial clash of personalities with wide receiver Steve Smith, which results in a black eye for Clausen, the two form a feared connection, combining for 3 touchdowns in the season's first two games. Clausen ends the year as the highest-rated rookie quarterback, while Smith registers 8 touchdown receptions.

* Terrell Owens shamelessly pleads his case for a job with the Patriots and Bill Belichick, taking out a full-page advertisement in the Boston Herald, claiming he "Fits the 'Bill.'" Belichick offers a quick reply, taking out a two-page in the Herald where a succinct "N-O" appears in the paper's centerfold.

Then, just days before the regular season begins, a desperate Owens signs a one-year contract with the Buccaneers for the bargain price of $325,000. After Owens is released after Tampa's Week 3 26-17 loss to the Steelers, funny man Frank Caliendo spoofs the situation by appearing on FOX's pre-game show as a chubby Fred Durst, singing Limp Bizkit's "I Did it All For the Rookie (Minimum)."

* Tennessee's Chris Johnson discusses the details of his new contract in an interview with the NFL Network's Adam Schefter. Johnson praises the Titans commitment, and claims he is perfectly happy with the terms of the deal, which include a $2 million salary in 2010, as well as a comprehensive dental plan.

Johnson injures a hamstring in the Titans' final preseason game and misses the regular season's first four games. He returns to the field on October 10th in Dallas, where he blisters the Cowboys for 206 yards. Despite missing four games in his holdout, Johnson proves his worth by rushing for 2,002 yards in only 12 games, then threatens another holdout unless the Titans renegotiate his contract. Johnson wins the NFL Offensive Player of the Year award, but again fails to garner a single vote for the MVP, which is awarded to Peyton Manning, an issue Johnson vehemently protests, with the help of rapper and friend Kanye West.

* Jeremy Shockey makes an appearance in the season three finale of HBO's True Blood, playing a mysterious character who refuses to bow to vampires, werewolves, shape-shifters, telepaths, gay-albeit-macho prostitute/drug dealer/short-order cooks, or other supernatural beings.

 Shockey's character is short-lived, and is written out of the script when he incites a fight with Stephen Moyer, after refusing to participate in rookie actor hazing. Shockey and the Saints capture the NFC South crown, but fall to the Packers 27-13 in frigid Green Bay in the divisional round.

* Pittsburgh kicker Jeff Reed is arrested on Thanksgiving night at a Penn Hills, Pennsylvania Best Buy after store clerks observe him playing Wii golf wearing only a pair of cleats. After posting bail, Reed, still nude, is interviewed by a local television station, and defiantly declares himself a "free spirit" and a "fantasy stud." Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin suspends Reed for one game, and ridicules him for several more. Reed returns to action on December 5th at Baltimore, where he misses a 27-yard field goal to send the game into overtime. The Steelers lose 23-20 and eventually finish the season 9-7.

* The Jets Antonio Cromartie records only 27 tackles on the year, but leads the AFC with 9 interceptions, proving that for what he lacks in run support, he makes up for in child support and ball-hawking skills. The former Chargers defensive back, who has seven children with six different women in five different states, but only one country, is lauded for his play during a 2-interception effort at New England on December 6th, in which John Gruden describes his coverage skills as "impregnable."

* Adrian Peterson, whose handshake has attained legendary status, sets a Guinness world record by cracking 31 walnuts with a single bare hand. Despite his record-breaking show of hand strength, Peterson is still plagued by fumbling issues. He tries a number of new age remedies, including hypnosis, acupuncture, and finger puppets, to no avail, but eventually finds a satisfactory solution with a pair of his girlfriend's exfoliating bath gloves.

Peterson ends the year with only 5 fumbles, and leads the NFC in rushing with 1,485 yards.

* Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert purchases 1,741 tickets to the Browns December 5th game at Miami and charters a caravan of buses filled with Browns fans making the trip from Cleveland to Miami. When asked about his motives, Gilbert says he "wants to make sure the game, like Lebron James, is a 'sellout.'" *

After a 30-23 win over the Dolphins in Miami on September 26th, Jets teammates Santonio Holmes and Braylon Edwards celebrate in downtown Miami Beach hot spot Mansion. After sharing a joint with Holmes, Edwards inexplicably sucker-punches a patron, who turns out to be the only remaining friend of Lebron James.

* Former Panthers captain Julius Peppers finds contentment in Chicago, obviously more comfortable with a "C" on his helmet than on his jersey, revitalizing the Bears' defense with 14 sacks and 2 interceptions on the year.

* Jason Campbell, despite finding himself in a similar situation, with a struggling team, a rabid fan base, and an owner who knows little to nothing about football, flourishes in Oakland. Campbell throws for 3 touchdowns in the Raiders' 26-21 opening week loss in Tennessee, thereby matching JaMarcus Russell's 2009 output. Oakland finishes a respectable 7-9, good for third place in the AFC West.

* Under the terms of Shaun Rogers' gun arrest diversion program, the Browns defensive tackle is to, under no circumstances, refer to his preparations for a road trip as "packing."

 Rogers acts on his best behavior, and enjoys a solid season, recording 6 sacks, and a photograph of his devastating knockout hit on Laurence Maroney against New England on November 7th graces the Sports Illustrated cover, with the appropriate caption "Pat Down."

Surprises abound for the 2010 NFL season, including a new home for Terrell Owens, a huge Brett Favre announcement, and a vow of abstinence by Tony Romo.

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Surprises abound for the 2010 NFL season, including a new home for Terrell Owens, a huge Brett Favre announcement, and a vow of abstinence by Tony Romo.

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Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 34th at Chicagoland, as engine problems relegated him to the garage for early repairs, and he eventually finished 16 laps down. It was his second-worst finish of the year, but only his second result outside the top 20 all year. While his lead in the point standings dwindled, he still holds a comfortable 103 point edge over Jeff Gordon.

“My disappointment is tempered by last week’s win at Daytona,” Harvick said. “But do I look concerned? My easy-going demeanor, as well as my nickname, dictate that I live by the credo ‘Don’t worry, be Happy.’”

“Now, as for the talk that Brian France is considering tweaking the Chase For The Cup format to a ‘winner-take-all’ format, that’s just ludicrous. And typical of the wacky ideas you’d expect from someone who has no clue what it’s like to be a driver. I think France needs to go. My wife DeLana wears the fire suit in this family, but in France’s case, I think we need to fire that ‘suit.’”

2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson, who welcomed a baby daughter on Wednesday, led the first 92 laps in the LifeLock.com 400 and looked poised to win for the sixth time this year. But a spin on lap 137 sent him through the infield grass, then, on lap 174, he slammed the wall after cutting the right-front tire of the No. 48 Lowe’s Chevrolet. Johnson finished a lap down in 25th, and dropped one place in the point standings to third.

“I said the same thing after Baby Genevieve’s birth that I did after my first Sprint Cup championship,” Johnson said. “’This is the first of many.’”

“I would have loved to welcome my first child into the world with a win. Sadly, that didn’t happen, but still, despite the disappointment of a 25th-place finish, it was nothing to ‘brood’ about.”

3. Jeff Gordon: Gordon posted his fifth-straight top-5 finish with a strong third in the LifeLock.com 400. He led for 47 laps, but was no match for race winner David Reutimann, who passed Gordon on lap 213. Although Gordon’s winless drought continues, the result was a promising one, as the No. 24 DuPont team introduced a new car at Chicagoland, one likely to be used at Kansas during the Chase.

“Congratulations to the Johnson’s on the birth of their baby,” Gordon said. “But they’re not the only ones expanding their family. My wife and I have a baby boy coming in a matter of weeks. There’s nothing like the joy of childbirth to offset the pain of a 48-race winless streak. Boy, I wish that would end. Like my wife Ingrid, I wish I was ‘due in August.’”

“And speaking of ‘babies,’ I hear Juan Montoya had some words for my Hendrick teammate Mark Martin after Saturday’s race. Criticizing Mark is akin to using the Lord’s name in vain---it’s blasphemous.”

“Like me, Juan is expecting another child. His is due in July, which is too bad. If Juan would have planned better, that baby could be due midway through September, or later. And that’s the only way Montoya could experience a ‘birth’ in the Chase.”

4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin posted his eighth top-10 finish of the year, and first since winning at Michigan on June 13th, with an eighth at Chicagoland. Hamlin improved one spot in the point standings to fourth, and trails Kevin Harvick by 203.

“Since my fifth victory back in early June,” Hamlin said, “we really haven’t been the same team that looked ready to challenge Jimmie Johnson for the Sprint Cup. Honestly, I think my left knee injury forced the No. 11 Fed Ex team to reach a new level of maturity. It may take something similar to get us back on track. Like an injury to my right knee. In this case, a knee to the ‘growin’’ works just as well as a kick in the balls.”

5. Kyle Busch: Busch started 33rd at Chicagoland, and wrestled a loose-handling No. 18 Snickers Toyota for much of the race before battling to finish 17th. Busch hasn’t posted a top-10 finish since Pocono, and is now sixth in the point standings, 257 out of first.

“We’re still seeking the momentum and the groove that brought us two wins earlier this season,” Busch said. “A 17th won’t get us out of our slump, so you could say, at Chicagoland, Snickers didn’t satisfy.”

“Heck, I’ve seen better use of a candy bar in Caddyshack.”

6. Tony Stewart: Stewart finished ninth in the LifeLock.com 400, overcoming a jack issue on an early pit stop to post his ninth top 10 of the year. Still seeking his first win, Stewart is ninth in the points, 356 out of first.

“The jack issue in the pits was an unfortunate and costly mistake,” Stewart said. “However, with Old Spice leaving at year’s end as sponsor of the No. 14, it gives me a great idea for another sponsor to pursue---Jack In The Box.”

7. Kurt Busch: Busch, who many considered a favorite to win at Chicagoland, finished a disappointing 26th, felled by handling conditions that cursed the No. 2 Miller Lite Dodge until a shock absorber change late in the race brought a modicum of relief. However, with improved handling, Busch never got the caution needed to receive the “Lucky Dog” free pass, and eventually finished two laps down.

“All this baby talk had a mysterious effect of the No. 2 Dodge,” Busch said, “particularly the shock absorbers. It’s oddly fitting that a bad set of shocks would arise amongst all this talk of ‘off spring.’”

8. Jeff Burton: Burton posted his second consecutive top-10 finish, coming home seventh in the LifeLock.com 400 at Chicagoland Speedway. Burton improved one spot in the Sprint Cup point standings, and trails Kevin Harvick by 280 points.

“Early in the race,” Burton said, “it looked like Jimmie Johnson was going to ring in fatherhood with a victory. But, I think all the travel back and forth to see his new daughter caught up with him. Then, David Reutimann grabbed a surprise win. Maybe, just maybe, fatherhood is Johnson’s lone weakness. Which is great for the rest of the field, because without a distracted Johnson, it’s hard to ‘conceive’ of anyone else winning the Cup.”

9. Carl Edwards: Edwards led late in the LifeLock.com 400, and briefly challenged David Reutimann down the stretch before settling for the runner-up position. It was Edwards’ best finish of the year, and a welcome boost of confidence for Roush Fenway Racing, which has struggled this year.

“It’s no surprise,” Edwards said, “that in the No. 99 Aflac Silver Ford, we took second. Jack Roush has been waiting all year for a car to prove it’s ‘mettle.’ Well, we finally did it.”

“I stalked Reutimann for a good while, and he didn’t even flinch, which is something I can’t say for everyone. Of course, it’s hard not to flinch when you’re dealing with an unstable personality such as myself. You know, two of my nemeses, Kevin Harvick and Kurt Busch, have captured two poles apiece this year, but they’re not the only ones who are ‘bi-pole-r.’”

10. Kasey Kahne: Kahne scored his second straight top-10 finish, and fourth in the last five races, bringing the No. 9 Budweiser Ford home in sixth at Chicagoland. Although he dropped a spot in the point standings, Kahne is now only 120 out of the 12th spot.

“I think you can safely say this team has interjected itself into the Chase discussion,” Kahne said. “I think we’re really on to something; unfortunately, I’ll soon be off to another team in 2011. For now, call us ‘Kahne And Able,’ which is a tad different than the reasons Rick Hendrick came calling earlier this year. In that respect, it’s a case of ‘Kahne And Bank-able.’”

Former Oakland Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell was arrested on Monday in Mobile, Alabama and charged with possession of codeine syrup. Is Russell’s attempt at criminal behavior as weak as his attempt at NFL stardom, and does his arrest signify the next step in the downfall of the No. 1 overall pick in the 2007 NFL draft?

Let’s be careful not to judge Russell too quickly, for it is entirely possible, and likely that, given his relatively clean background, and millions of dollars at the ready for legal advice, Russell will make a plea and avoid a criminal charge. If that happens, then it will be official: JaMarcus Russell commits crimes like he plays football---without "conviction."

Russell was nabbed on July 5th at his home in Alabama, arrested for possession of a controlled substance. His arrest resulted from a two-month undercover operation in Mobile, as, once again, Russell fell victim to his inability to recognize "coverage."

Russell was booked and released on $2,500 bond, petty cash when you consider that he was paid over $30 million by the Raiders. And, in what had to be an embarrassing development, a bloated and out-of-shape Russell wasn’t even able to be released on his own recognizance.

Russell should be ashamed of his actions. Not because possession of codeine syrup is a serious offense, but because possession of codeine syrup is not a serious offense. Yes, his arrest is disappointing, all right. But not disappointing because he did it, but disappointing because that’s all he did.

Codeine possession is a serious offense, you say? Then why did Eric Clapton sing about "Cocaine" and not "Codeine?" Heck, why did Clapton do cocaine and not codeine?

If codeine is such a big deal, then why didn’t Nate Newton traffic it?

Codeine is nothing more than glorified cough syrup, and can easily be obtained over-the-counter, assuming your dealer works from behind a counter. Reportedly, codeine acts as a depressant on the central nervous system, often causing impaired thinking and slowed reactions, effects eerily similar to what the Oakland draft gurus were experiencing when they made Russell the number one pick in 2007.

Russell may be the biggest bust in NFL history, but his arrest certainly doesn’t amount to the biggest bust for the Mobile Police Department. Now, if this was Mayberry, I’d be impressed. But Mobile has to have bigger problems than a codeine ring. What’s the Mobile P.D.’s secret name for this sting operation, "Operation Ahem?"

It would seem that Russell’s arrest equates, in Mobile’s eyes, to the high-profile takedown most departments aim for in such massive operations designed to take evil drugs, like codeine, off the market. But really, Russell is "high profile" not because of what he’s done. It’s what he hasn’t done that makes him famous. And he’s done nothing.

 There’s no doubt Russell signed a few worthless autographs for Mobile’s finest at the station, and the cops probably lauded their efforts in clearing a few ounces of codeine from the streets. Sorry to burst your bubble, City of Mobile, but this arrest barely warrants news coverage.

And Russell’s crime hardly deserves attention in its own right, because some NFL stars have done worse, much worse. Until Russell can step up his game and achieve true infamy, his plight lacks relevance.

In this age of gun-packing, dog-fighting, police-slugging NFL players, and the Cincinnati Bengals of yore, football fans have come to expect more from players, and that applies to criminal activity. We like our favorite, and sometimes not-so-favorite, players making that shameful perp walk to commissioner Roger Goddell’s interrogation bunker, where a multiple-game suspension awaits. Not only will Russell not get an invite to training camp this year, he won’t even get an invite to Goddell’s office. Not for possession of codeine syrup. If Russell is lucky, Goddell may request a doctor’s note.

It’s this lack of effort that cost Russell his job with the Raiders as well. Sure, Al Davis and company weren’t happy with his commitment to the game, but they have to be even unhappier with his commitment to immoral behavior. In addition, Russell’s crime, or lack of it, is an affront to the Raider organization’s thuggish reputation, honed by years of questionable behaviors, ranging from Ken Stabler’s issues with alcohol to Sebastian Janikowski’s reputation as the worst date in the NFL.

 Would Stabler even have dabbled in codeine? No, not when a shot, or eight, of whiskey drowns sorrows equally as well, if not better, particularly when followed by a nice, leisurely drive. Could Stabler have pulled off his role in the famous "Holy Roller" play if he wasn’t liquored up? No way. It’s a given that codeine wouldn’t have emboldened him with the liquid courage to do such a thing.

And when a kicker’s, of all people, legal issues and perverted actions overshadow those of the quarterback, albeit a former one, something is not right in Raider Nation.

Heck, even Lester Hayes possession of Stickum was more of a "crime" than Russell’s, and Stickum is street legal.

In some respects, it’s hard to fault Russell for abusing codeine. I’m sure Russell enjoyed introducing himself as a former NFL quarterback, but when doing so, he experienced an overwhelming urge to "clear his throat." Codeine is a cough suppressant, so it apparently allowed Russell to refer to himself as a quarterback with a straight face.

 And maybe Russell’s commission of such a petty crime is not necessarily a function of stupidity, but lack of stupidity. You have to be immensely stupid to be an NFL player and try to sneak a gun into a nightclub, or an airplane, or to fund a dogfighting operation. Russell is clearly not stupid enough to commit similar offenses, nor is he bold enough. His arrest on codeine possession was a swell first effort, but to truly run with the big dogs, he’ll have to do more. In essence, Russell will have to "get stoopid." In his defense, maybe that’s what he was trying to do with the codeine all along.

So, where does Russell go from here? Well, he’s already gone "down," so, from there, he can only go up. Obviously, his "comeback" has been momentarily derailed by codeine. That’s assuming a comeback was in the works. Unless he discovered some new age, codeine-based training regimen, it doesn’t appear that a comeback was a part of his immediate plans.

To begin his path on the comeback trail, Russell needs to step up his game, physically, mentally, and criminally. This entails an intense workout regimen, scouring of playbooks, and unwavering attention to the police news. As Michael Vick, Pacman Jones, Plaxico Burress, and others have shown, to truly leave an impression on the NFL, it often helps to leave an impression on the law, namely with your fingerprints. I say to Russell: lose the codeine, find a more habit-forming drug, punch a bouncer, shoot up a strip club. Prove you have what it takes to be an NFL superstar

Kevin Harvick won his second race of the year, completing a late pass to win the Coke Zero 400 at Daytona and boosting his status as NASCAR's premier restrictor plate racer. Kasey Kahne and Jeff Gordon avoided late wrecks to finish second and third, respectively.

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Jimmie Johnson powered past Kurt Busch at New Hampshire, claiming his second win in a row and fifth victory this season. Kevin Harvick maintains the points lead as the Sprint Cup series heads to Daytona.

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Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Denny Hamlin — Hamlin's run of two-straight wins came to an abrupt halt at Infineon Raceway, where an early accident set him back and caused ongoing problems. At one point, the hood pins on Hamlin's No. 11 FedEx Toyota broke, causing the hood to cover his windshield. He eventually finished 34th, his worst finish of the year, and fell one spot in the points to fourth, 151 out of first.

"I won't back off on my statements about 'phantom' debris cautions," Hamlin said, "but I will obviously have to yield on any insinuation that I can win 'blindfolded.'"

"Despite my troubles at Infineon and Jimmie Johnson's win, I still feel that the No. 11 FedEx Toyota is the car to beat. Sure, I'm biased towards FedEx, but that doesn't necessarily make me a 'mail' chauvinist."

2. Kevin Harvick — Harvick finished third at Sonoma, posting his Sprint Cup-best 11th top-10 finish of the year, and extended his points lead to 140. Harvick dueled with Robby Gordon for several laps, but was unable to overtake Gordon before the finish.

"As everyone knows," Harvick said, "Gordon is a volatile person. I wouldn't think of spinning him, much less bother getting to know him. I may be willing to 'slice bread' with Joey Logano, but I wouldn't dare 'break bread' with Gordon."

"As for anyone who may be critical of me, all I have to say is 'take a look at who's leading the Sprint Cup point standings.' I've basically been on top all year. My wife DeLana may wear the firesuit, but where the points lead is concerned, I'm the one wearing the strong suit."

3. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson captured his first career Sprint Cup road course win, capitalizing on Marcos Ambrose's glaring error to take the Toyota/Save Mart 350 at Infineon Raceway. Ambrose, in an effort to save fuel, cut his engine while under a late caution. When his engine didn't immediately re-fire, Ambrose was passed by seven cars as he sat idly on the track. Johnson, previously in second, assumed the lead and never looked back.

"Ironically," Johnson said, "this should put to rest all the speculation about my championship reign 'coming to a stop.' It's unfortunate that Ambrose wasn't able to re-fire his engine; I think we would have had a classic duel to the end. As it is, though, there hasn't been this much talk about 're-firing' since the subject of Casey Mears' career arose."

"I'm not sure why Ambrose felt he needed to conserve fuel. Apparently, though, he didn't save enough, because he wasn't able to make it to victory lane. As a native of Tasmania, Ambrose must be feeling Tasmanian 'bedevil-ed.'"

"Would Ambrose have won had he not stalled his engine? The question is moot. Any such debate on the matter is simply 'idle' chatter."

4. Kyle Busch — Trouble struck early for Busch at Sonoma, as a lap 10 pileup led to contact with the rear of Jamie McMurray's No. 1 car. With significant front-end damage, the No. 18 Pedigree Toyota head to the garage for repairs. Busch returned to the mix 33 laps down and finished 39th, dropping one spot in the points to third, 141 behind Kevin Harvick.

"I guess it's unfortunately fitting," Busch said, "that in a car sponsored by dog food, we suffered damage when we went 'nose-to-tail.' Had we rear-ended the No. 47 car of Marcos Ambrose sponsored by Clorox and Kleenex, I think our chances of keeping our 'nose clean' would have been much better."

"Obviously, with no finish better than 33rd, it was a tough day for Joe Gibbs Racing cars. And we've all got the incompetence of others to thank for it. Apparently, Kevin Harvick isn't the only driver adept at driving into the side of a Gibbs Toyota."

5. Jeff Gordon — Gordon stormed to a fifth-place finish in the Toyota Save Mart 350, but his actions in doing so raised the hackles of several competitors, including Martin Truex, Jr., Elliott Sadler, and Kurt Busch. Gordon apologized, for the most part, and said he deserved the criticism. He improved two spots in the point standings to fifth, and is 192 out of first.

"A lot of drivers said I was a bit too aggressive out there," Gordon said. "That may be so, but for a driver who once was considered a road course ace now mired in a road course drought, I'll try anything to get a win, even patience."

"But my apologies are a lot like the incidents that spawn them — I don't mean them. That should temper Kurt Busch's displeasure at not getting one."

"And I guess congratulations are in order for Jimmie Johnson. Jimmie wanted this win for himself alone, and I could tell he was extremely proud of his first road course win. That was evident in Victory Circle as he was photographed with the Sonoma trophy, sporting an ear-to-ear smile. In the land of 'wine and cheese,' it was a 'mine and say cheese' moment."

6. Greg Biffle — Biffle was the lone bright spot for Roush Fenway Racing at Sonoma, charging to a hard-fought seventh-place finish while his teammates struggled. Biffle battled back from an early pit road speeding penalty to collect his 10th top-10 finish of the year. He remained ninth in the point standings, 79 ahead of Carl Edwards in 12th.

"I was able to avoid the spins that cost my teammates Matt Kenseth and Carl Edwards," Biffle said. "It's just another example of the unpredictable nature of road course racing. Unless you're Jimmie Johnson, there are no 'givens.'"

"As in any debate, there are two schools of thought on NASCAR's decision to penalize Ambrose. Was NASCAR too harsh or too lenient? Parallels can be made with Edwards' wreck of Brad Keselowski at Atlanta. That was likely a case of NASCAR going to easy, because Edwards made a clean getaway. In Ambrose's case, maybe NASCAR acted too harshly, because Jimmie Johnson was recipient of a 'clear giveaway.'"

7. Tony Stewart — Stewart battled Boris Said down the stretch at Sonoma, with Stewart finishing ninth, one spot behind Said. Right after the race ended, Stewart plowed into Said's No. 26 Ford, apparently in retaliation for what Stewart deemed was unfairly aggressive racing on Said's part. Stewart improved one spot in the Sprint Cup standings to 10th, 351 out of first.

"I'll respond to the No. 26 team's criticisms in due time," said Stewart. "And when I do, you can best believe it will be another Tony Stewart quotable moment. Call it a 'road course zinger' for a 'road course ringer.'"

"Of course, what else would one expect when me and my sizable ego clash with Said, who's known nearly as much for his afro as for his driving ability? Nothing less than the situation coming to a 'head.'"

8. Kurt Busch — Busch's No. 2 Miller Lite Dodge was tagged from behind by Jeff Gordon on the race's final restart, and the impact cut the right-rear tire of the No. 2. A likely top-five finish evaporated, replaced by Busch's eventual finish of 32nd, and the Penske driver tumbled two places in the point standings to sixth, 216 out of first.

"Sadly," Busch said, "I saw my chances for a top-10 finish go down faster than Miller Lite out of the vortex bottle. And, in keeping with the theme of beer, I'm 'hopping' mad."

9. Jeff Burton — Burton, in his 500th Sprint Cup start, saw a sure top-10 finish when the No. 31 Caterpillar Chevy was spun by Marcos Ambrose No. 47 on the race's final restart. A disappointed Burton finished 27th, and maintained the eighth spot in the Sprint Cup point standings, where he trails Kevin Harvick by 307.

"I'm not too happy with Ambrose," Burton said. "With me, as opposed to his engine, he had a little more success 'starting' something."

10. Matt Kenseth — Kenseth limped home in 30th in the Toyota/Save Mart 350, seeing a promising finish derailed by a last lap spin, the result of a merciless scramble typical of the final laps on road courses. Kenseth fell two notches in the Sprint Cup point standings to seventh, and trails Kevin Harvick by 242.

"I'm disappointed," Kenseth said, "as are my legions of fans. And by 'legions,' I mean Crown Royal drinkers. That segment of my fan base are crazy about liquor in a purple bag, so crazy that I call them the 'Insane Crown Posse.' I feel truly blessed to have Crown Royal as a sponsor. Otherwise, I might not have any fans at all."