Got this from the Everett Herald, via Rotoworld

Wow. Not sure if he really meant it like that, but if so then damn.

All those years in Kansas City, and this is the most enjoyable year? Yet another reason why I'm glad I'm not a Royals fan. Imagine if Alvin Davis said "Out of all my years in baseball, my favorite was that one with the Angels. Sorry Seattle"

Every day I love Sweeney more and more.

First off, I'm fine with Sims' choice of nickname. It's simple, clever and not too much of a stretch. (K-Rod? come on thats terrible)

But anyone else notice the "tell it to the..." part doesn't make any sense? I've heard "tell it to the judge" in movies and TV before, but people really don't plead their case in front of a DA.

Unless of course Sims is imagining a totalitarian society run by Mariners, where the DA is the only judge, the jury is Sweeney (who will hug you or not), and Branyan as the sexecutioner. I'm fine with that scenario.

OK here's the situation: Im living in a house without cable or satellite, and of course I had the terrible surprise of finding out that living in Seattle means that (yay!) MLBTV is blacked out. I could go on for days about how incredibly stupid and counter-intuitive this is, but im sure it has been discussed to death.

So im making do with gameday and radio until me and my roommates actually get TV, but now Im finding I can't listen online! Was it always like this? I'm at one of the libraries at UW, with my headphones in, all ready to listen to the game as I study, but whenever I go to the KIRO website (at least I think its their website...), I keep getting the same boring March Madness talk that ive had to put up with all month. The site says that Ms and Seahawks games will preempt any scheduled shows, but obviously they're lying.

How can I listen to games while away from home? I swear mlb.com used to stream it for free, but my god I've given up on that site in every way.

Does anyone else think it's kinda funny how the variation of speeds of pitchers seems to be a 100mph maximum (with a few obvious exceptions)?

Was that just a coincidence, or were the baseball diamond dimensions specifically built so the fastest anyone could throw was around 100? It just seems kinda weird that people would stop getting faster right around a nice round number.

Which also gets me thinking about why a normal pitch count, or even a set pitch count is usually 100. Again, was that planned at all?

OK, I dont know why ive never wondered this before, but me and a friend were just having a discussion about this.

What would happen if, before the all-star game, a first place leader in votes of the AL gets traded to a team in the NL? They wouldn't re-do the voting just because of one player, but what would actually happen?

I said that he would start out fresh with 0 votes, and any votes that he gets after he is traded will be his new total. My friend tried to argue that MLB wouldnt make someone miss the all-star game cause he got traded, but he doesn't have another option.

Now, I know the all-star game doesnt (well, shouldnt) matter, but is there a rule out there that says what actually would happen in a situation like this?

Someone has to know this, or at least know a pretty bad one. Or several.

I was just looking over the 2001 AL Cy young voting, where because of 9/11 and his famous name, Roger Clemens stole the cy young from Freddy. Which reminded me how retarded some (most) of these "experts" are. So there has to be some idiot that voted someone like Craig Counsell one year cause he got a game-winning HBP once and the writer was smashed and it made him cry.

BONUS POINTS: worst first place vote?

OK, this has been bothering me for probably years now.

Who, for the love of god, is the umpire that, when he's at home plate, calls strikes by pointing and literally shrieking "AAIIEEEEEEEE!!!" (im assuming hes trying to say strike)

My god its annoying and it always catches me off guard cause I never remember who this guy is.

First Prize: 1 free internets

Second Prize: A Big truck (with which you can dump things on)

Third Prize: You're fired

Whats the most awkward announcer moment you've heard? not just this year, but all time? 

It could be funny awkward, could be a situation where tempers start to rise, could be a situation where either announcer really doesnt know what to say next.

I seem to remember around 2002, where Buhner was announcing, and he kept saying something really awkward, but for the life of me i cant remember what it was at all. Anyone out there remember this who can help me out? it was a phrase and im sure he was just kidding, but i remember it sounded pretty, uh...gay.

EDIT: yea i should have said just "announcer" instead of "mariner announcer". makes no sense to limit it to just 1 team

I was just thinking, does anyone else think the struggle between many bloggers and people like Joe Morgan or sportswriters kinda reminds you of the issue of religion vs. science? on a much smaller and less significant scale, obviously.

Look at the way bloggers like Jeff or Dave or DMZ are treated by casual fans or certain sportswriters. They are constantly written off as if they don't already have a huge following, but sometimes these sportswriters will lash out at them and bloggers like them as if all of the sudden they are a threat. Like fundamentalist christians who don't think that athiests are significant enough to really matter vs. the majority, but get all worked up on the "omg WAR ON CHRISTMAS AND JESUS!". which makes it obvious that they feel threatened and angry at them sometimes.

The way sabermetrics developed also mirrors science vs. religion. At first, it was really only "baseball people" who had been in the game for a long time that could really decide who was good and who wasn't. But now, billy beane and others are proof that there are different ways of evaluating talent that work fine. so you could liken a scout to a priest and a "stathead" to a mathematician or scientist. which would make LL and USSM readers students of the bloggers.

it would also explain the argument between scrappy, hard-working white (sorry, "blue collar") players and "selfish" power hitters who "clog up the basepaths". Just like people who think abstinence is always the key to happiness and alcohol is the devil or sex is evil or whatever can be compared to writers who think that someone like Reggie Willits or Willie Bloomqist is more valuable than someone who isnt so scrappy and wasn't a punter for Nebraska (did you know Darin Erstad punted for Nebraska? how scrappy of him!); those values are simply outdated and not realistic in today's society.

so basically Bill James = Socrates wow that sounds weird but whatever.

kids, never major in Philosophy. it will fuck you up forever.

So recently Ive been looking at the baseball reference game logs for Felix, and I just noticed something that makes no sense to me.

Actually, this could work with any pitcher

As you see they have standard stats like IP, H, R, etc. but as I go along, I see: StC, StS, and StL. I assume that means Strike Called, Strike Swinging, ans Strike Looking.

what the hell?! How is a called strike different than looking at a strike?

Has anyone heard anything about who might be going to Cincinnati? Its probably still very rough at this point, but do the Reds have a need that one of our available guys could fill? any speculation?

I could see Baek or Morrow or Lowe go. Rob Johnson maybe? reed?

75 word fun fact: Miguel Cairo still has a job. playing baseball. major league baseball. on the seattle mariners. playing first base. batting second. miguel cairo.

this is unbearable

Gomez edit:

Penis theft panic hits city..

By Joe Bavier (Reuters)

Wed Apr 23, 1:07 PM ET

Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.

Reports of so-called penis snatching are not uncommon in West Africa, where belief in traditional religions and witchcraft remains widespread, and where ritual killings to obtain blood or body parts still occur.

Rumors of penis theft began circulating last week in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo's sprawling capital of some 8 million inhabitants. They quickly dominated radio call-in shows, with listeners advised to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings.

Purported victims, 14 of whom were also detained by police, claimed that sorcerers simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear, in what some residents said was an attempt to extort cash with the promise of a cure.

"You just have to be accused of that, and people come after you. We've had a number of attempted lynchings. ... You see them covered in marks after being beaten," Kinshasa's police chief, Jean-Dieudonne Oleko, told Reuters on Tuesday.

Police arrested the accused sorcerers and their victims in an effort to avoid the sort of bloodshed seen in Ghana a decade ago, when 12 suspected penis snatchers were beaten to death by angry mobs. The 27 men have since been released.

"I'm tempted to say it's one huge joke," Oleko said.

"But when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it's become tiny or that they've become impotent. To that I tell them, 'How do you know if you haven't gone home and tried it'," he said.

Some Kinshasa residents accuse a separatist sect from nearby Bas-Congo province of being behind the witchcraft in revenge for a recent government crackdown on its members.

"It's real. Just yesterday here, there was a man who was a victim. We saw. What was left was tiny," said 29-year-old Alain Kalala, who sells phone credits near a Kinshasa police station.

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well we suck and im delirious with the flu. bad bad day.

Ibanez is telling a story to all the younger guys

IBANEZ: ...so I slowly look at the glove in my hand and think "hey! turns out im not the DH today! that would explain all the angry people yelling behind me". yes kids, turns out that i was the right fielder that day.

CLEMENT: (raises hand)

IBANEZ: jeff?

CLEMENT: Dont you play left field?

IBANEZ: (laughs) no no. ichiro was to the left of me, and to the left of him was wilkerson. making me right field. its simple, uh...math.

CLEMENT: Um im not sure that-

IBANEZ: SO ANYWAY i start to get really nervous and forget the inning and who we're playing and what hand my glove goes on and such. but it was then that i remembered the movie The Sandlot and all the lessons that Scotty learned.

BALENTIEN: you mean about believing in yourself and facing your fears head on?

IBANEZ: No, i meant the part where he stands perfectly still and prays that the ball happens to magically land in his glove.

BALENTIEN: ...oh

IBANEZ: and that kids, is "That One Time Where I Actually Caught a Ball on Purpose (tm)"

CLEMENT AND BALENTIEN: yay!! (clap clap clap clap)

MCLAREN: Jesus Raul it was your turn to bat like 4 batters ago. i had to tell the umpire you gambled on baseball against the Ms and were banned forever.

IBANEZ: jesus christ I'll never play DH field again!

MCLAREN: Lucky they never seem to listen to me. so we ended up sending Willie to the plate all made up to look like you.

IBANEZ: But he looks nothing like me.

MCLAREN: Yea I know, the best we could do was shave his head and force a whole bunch of tobacco into his mouth.

BLOOMQUIST: haha I threw up sooooo much

*MEANWHILE, IN THE BULLPEN*

MORROW: But Mr. Charlton, i dont WANNA drink that! i just wanna warm up!

CHARLTON: Listen pussy, you know the rules. if you wanna warm up, you'll take the damn shot. Why can't you be a man that O'Flaherty guy. great guy.

MORROW: Well im not doing it. this is stupid.

CHARLTON: Assistant Coach Rhodes, hold him while i force alcohol into his mouth.

RHODES: I wish you would stop calling me that.

ROWLAND-SMITH: Hey, uh Mister Charlton...Ill take the shot if that'll make everyone-

CHARLTON: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU

ROWLAND-SMITH: Ryan Rowland-Smith. I broke the hyphen barrier.

CHARLTON: OH MY GOD ITS THE RETURN OF DOYLE

ROWLAND-SMITH: jesus, not the accent thing again. i already told you-

CHARLTON: MEN, BOW YOUR HEADS WHILE I MANUALLY TEAR HIS ACL. ITS HIS SECRET TO IMMORTALITY.

ROWLAND-SMITH: uh-

CHARLTON: Green! Get me a human heart and  live chicken.

GREEN: hell no

CHARLTON: Jesus Green. first youre too good to play on Yom Kippur, now you're too good to get me a human heart? not kosher enough for you? remember kid, i make one phone call and your ass is back to Arizona buddy.

GREEN: I really dont think i am who you think i am

ROWLAND-SMITH: I think im just gonna go home. you gonna need me anytime this week?

CHARLTON: Assistant Coach Rhodes, hand me the ceremonial ACL tearing gloves.

ROWLAND-SMITH: forget it, see you guys in 2 weeks.

RHODES: norm, you realize thats not chris snelling right?

CHARLTON: Who the hell is Chris Snelling?

 *BACK IN THE DUGOUT*

BALENTIEN: Mr. Beltre, uh...whats this? (holds up large knife) i found this where my glove should be.

BELTRE: haha, did McLaren give that to you?

BALENTIEN: yea, attached with a note that says "for shanking" Who the hell is Shanking?

BELTRE: Forget about it, just take this. (hands him a glove)

BALENTIEN: but thats your only glove! what are you gonna use in the field?

BELTRE: haha, thats a common mistake. you see, this "glove" i apparently use is digitally added to FSN Broadcasts. cause if everyone knew that I really just field with my bare hands...well lets just say your world couldnt handle it.

BALENTIEN: "your world"? weird phrasing. why not just say "our world" or simply "the world"

BELTRE: Ive said too much already. (erases Balentien's memory)

BALENTIEN: wha- what just happened? (looks down at jersey) holy shit! im a Seattle Mariner! sweet!

BELTRE: (sigh)

and its May 6th.

time to drink perhaps? yes i think so. i was thinking about Bombay sapphire in the spirit of Graham, but i do have (and love) Crown Royal.

gin and tonic or crown and coke? something else maybe?

75 words fun fact: Miguel Cairo (infielder, seattle mariners) has an ops of .091! yes, thats on base PLUS slugging! on may 6th! and he's still on the roster! in may! .091! sandfrog line! mariners! what a fun fact!

Seriously, how stupid do you feel when you visit the mariners' official site and they have a picture of everyone in our lineup (everyone!), and they expect you to vote all your beloved Ms in?

How dumb do they think we are? wait...never mind thats a stupid question. they know exactly how dumb we are.

god its such a joke, but its not funny anymore. we'll get yet another year of fans voting for their hometown favorites and nobody else, except when they get confused and scared and just decide to vote a BOS/NYY player in.

THINGS THAT CAN FUCK OFF:

1. the all star game

2. gold glove awards

3. the "selfish" vs. "plays the right way" argument (a.k.a the "black/hispanic" vs. "white/asian" argument)

4. you know what? fuck Rich Harden too. we drafted you TWICE, and you say no both times. but when the As come knocking...

maybe i should take a night off from the mariners tonight...

So obviously god's a dick who holds grudges. im convinced that some mariners fan did something way back when that angered god, and now he's punishing every single mariners fan, cause thats exactly what would have happened in the old testament. (hmm you didnt wash yourself 7 times in the river? haha fuck you now youre whole family is punished! this is incredibly fair!)

OK, its probably someone who's been a fan since 1977. Im guessing they were a Pilots fan too. that would make sense with their luck.

Attantion: if youre out there (you must know who you are). please please please either apologize to god or return the cursed monkey hand or something. cause seriously man, you fucked up. god hates us and its all your fault.

have you considered switching teams? these days, anyone can be a red sox fan! its red sox nation!!! doesnt that sound like fun? their hats come in pink and green and its wonderful!

So is it gonna be Baek? Corcoran? is Batista going on the DL?

I'd like to keep corcoran around but since Baek's out of options im guessing he'll stay. Im just glad to have Bedard back though.

Please correct the following items:

• Your FanPost must be at least 75 words long. Right now it's only 40 words long.

Please correct the following items:

• Your FanPost must be at least 75 words long. Right now it's only 40 words long.

why why why do people call him BK Kim? Can people not spell?

and come to think of it, i dont think ive ever once seen him not lose/blow a game. ever. every time ive seen him. gotta be one of the worst/hardest luck pitchers out there. (im leaning towards worst)

75 75 75 75 75 75 75 75 75 75 75 75 75 75 75 75 75 75 75 75 75 75

http://www.baseball-reference.com/teams/SEA/2008.shtml

I of course take this as an insult, though I dont really know how this affects us at all.

oh yeah, and they sponsered their own page too. so no chance for a friendly sponsorship rivalry or anything. assholes.

I wonder if I'll ever discover anything about the Angels I won't completely despise. Probably not.

Please correct the following items:

I know Norton should be on the roster instead of him, and with Willie and Jimerson here he's pretty much useless...

but 8 games and no appearance? has he been seen associating with Petagine? Willie probably ratted him out. poor miguel.

Your FanPost must be at least 75 words long. Right now it's only 42 words long.

Your FanPost must be at least 75 words long. Right now it's only 42 words long.

Your FanPost must be at least 75 words long. Right now it's only 42 words long.

http://seattle.mariners.mlb.com/news/press_releases/press_release.jsp?ymd=20080402&content_id=2483835&vkey=pr_sea&fext=.jsp&c_id=sea

putz noooo