Advance Copy of the Mitchell Report

Kooter — Tue, 11 Dec 2007 21:44:27 -0000

You won't see this anywhere else, I have inside information on who will be the "named names" in the Mitchell Report. I can't tell you where I got the information, when I got the information, who gave me the information, or why I am only posting it here in this corner of the internet rather than passing it along to ESPN or Yahoo Sports. Follow me below to see the juicy details.

(FYI-I will provide no links for this diary as it is straight from the source) I do have a source for this delicate information but in order to keep his/her identity a secret I'll give him/her an alias, let's call him/her Myass.

Now Myass doesn't just pull information from his/her nether regions, this is iron clad information contained within the Mitchell Report.

First, if a ballplayer is named in the report, they are automatically guilty. Also, inversely if they aren't in the report, they are guilty as well. How can this be, you ask??? Well I got this straight from Myass so you can believe it. Myass has never been wrong. But, doesn't that make everyone guilty?? Exactly. Since it's coming straight from Myass and he/she knows all then everyone is guilty until Myass says they aren't guilty or they join the Cubs. Old Cubs don't count however, they are also guilty because not only did Myass say so but also due to the fact that they never won a World Series/didn't show up to practice that one time/let that game early once/married a girl from St. Louis/didn't hustle to first when I was at a game ruining my day/etc. Future Cubs are guilty until such time as they join the Cubs, Myass has spoken.

Second, if a player has a "career year" he is guilty. Myass says there are no such things as career years only juiced up players looking to cheat the fans and the game. On the opposite side, if a player has a down year he was on the juice during every other year. Doesn't every player fall into this category due to the nature of humankind in general and sports in specifics, you ask??? Nope, I don't have any actual data or facts to back this up except to say it came from Myass, and as I said earlier, he/she is never wrong.

Everyone thinks the Mitchell report is only going to focus on the last decade or so but you're wrong, this investigation is going to span the entire 20th and 21st centuries. Here are wild accusations Myass gave as examples:

Barry Bonds. Take a look at this; in 2001 Barry had 177 BB in 153 games. In 1992 he had 93 BB in 159 games, by my math that's almost twice as many. So what, those aren't even power numbers, you say? Well if he wasn't on the juice why would pitchers be throwing around him so much? My point has been made, Myass has spoken.

Ted Williams. .406 in 1941, his next best year .369 in 1948. That was 60 years ago there was no HGH back then, you say. Well, prove to me he wasn't on the juice!....You can't? Argument won by me. Myass is once again right.

Carl Yastrzemski. Everyone knows he won the Triple Crown in 1967, but did you know he never won it again? Yep, never again. Career Year Alert! Yaz is juicer.

Pitchers aren't immune either.

Roger Clemens. Clemens throws hard, plays for the Yankees, gained weight in his 40's, and frosts the tips of his hair. Need I say more? Juiced out of his mind.

Mordecai "Three Fingered" Brown. Brown had 13 saves in 1911 yet never got any more than 7 in any other year of his career. But wasn't he a starter and wasn't this a different era all together, you ask. All I hear is blah, blah, blah, HGH, blah. You are wrong. Myass is right. Also seriously, can you name 3 other players with 3 fingers who weren't on roids? You can't! Looks like I win again.

You see now just how damaging this report is going to be. Good thing Myass was able pull all these details out for you so that you can be prepared for the coming Armageddon. You should probably start by returning your season tickets. Actually the guy who has the 4 seats behind the Cubs dugout, yeah you better just send them to me for safekeeping.

GO CUBS!

SB Nation User Blog: Kooter

Advance Copy of the Mitchell Report