SB Nation User Blog: Kooter

Small Brain, Big Problem

Kooter — Fri, 15 May 2009 22:08:53 -0000

Small Brain, Big Problem

Rick Telander's article this morning on performance enhancing drugs is another great example of sports writer righteousness over steroids.....I understand the point he's trying to make but calling out Theriot for the first couple paragraphs is beyond weak

These people should also stop whining

Kooter — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 16:07:01 -0000

I agree wholeheartedly with this earlier post.

Here's another list of people who should stop whining:

Citizens of China- You know you live in an oppressive, communist country....it's been that way since you were born. Get over yourself, sit back and enjoy the human rights abuses.

Home Owners- You knew when you bought your house that the value could potentially go down (though a Realtor would never tell you that) and now you're losing your home, your credit is messed up, you don't have any more savings and you owe $400k on a $150k house. Don't just stop whining, STFU.

Detroitans- Detroitites? Detroiters? Whatever....stop complaining. You knew when you moved to Detroit and got a job at one of the Big 3 that it was a failed business model and that Japan was leaner, faster and made better cars. But you went and took that job, became middle class, got a pension, bought a house and were living the American dream. Now GM is a going concern, and just fired you. I got 2 words for you: Boo and Hoo.

Cubs Fans- Oh I'm sorry are you one of the Cubs fans from pre-1908?? You became a fan of the team when they played on the West Side Grounds and you pulled your cart and buggy up the park to watch the game? Yeah, didn't think so. In your entire life you've never seen the Cubbies win the Series. In fact you probably haven't even been alive when the Cubs got beat in a World Series. STOP WHINING about not winning a World Series. You knew when you first put on that Cubs cap....when you hung that poster of Ryno on your wall...when you chased balls out on Waveland.....when you drank too much in the bleachers....when you bought that Steve Goodman album....when your wife let Ernie Banks marry you....that the Cubs were losers. Why do you complain about moves that Lou makes? Why do you care who the second baseman is? Why do spend money on beer and peanuts at the park? Why are you a Cubs fan if you are just going to complain about losing?

As a former resident of Wrigleyville and one who lived 5 houses from the left field wall on Kenmore, I expected for there to be noise....I loved the noise....in fact, if I had gone to the kitchen to get a beer I would know how fast to get back to the couch from the crowd noise since the TV was about 2 seconds behind the live action. As long as I live, that place will be my favorite.

I expected noise, I expected loud drunks walking through the neighborhood at 2am, I expected traffic (tons of it). The problem isn't any of those things. The problem is things that aren't part of the package. Graffiti (a problem anywhere in the city frankly), public urination (with the number of bars in the neighborhood and port-a-johns this shouldn't be as big a problem as it is), fights and concerts by crappy faux-Country bands (I had no problem with Buffett, Police or the Piano Men as they were all agreed upon).

Yes I know there is a ballpark at 1060 W Addison, yes I expect noise, traffic etc. That doesn't mean the Cubs can do whatever they like and I have to take it. It's a neighborhood and all residents should have a say as to what happens there. The Cubs are residents as much as I am and if they would like to have concerts they need to ask the other residents just as I would have to ask the neighborhood if I wanted to add an extension on my house or dig up a huge tree in my yard. It's a give and take relationship and if one party is doing most of the taking then don't act surprised when the other party has something to say about it.

Advance Copy of the Mitchell Report

Kooter — Tue, 11 Dec 2007 21:44:27 -0000

You won't see this anywhere else, I have inside information on who will be the "named names" in the Mitchell Report. I can't tell you where I got the information, when I got the information, who gave me the information, or why I am only posting it here in this corner of the internet rather than passing it along to ESPN or Yahoo Sports. Follow me below to see the juicy details.

(FYI-I will provide no links for this diary as it is straight from the source) I do have a source for this delicate information but in order to keep his/her identity a secret I'll give him/her an alias, let's call him/her Myass.

Now Myass doesn't just pull information from his/her nether regions, this is iron clad information contained within the Mitchell Report.

First, if a ballplayer is named in the report, they are automatically guilty. Also, inversely if they aren't in the report, they are guilty as well. How can this be, you ask??? Well I got this straight from Myass so you can believe it. Myass has never been wrong. But, doesn't that make everyone guilty?? Exactly. Since it's coming straight from Myass and he/she knows all then everyone is guilty until Myass says they aren't guilty or they join the Cubs. Old Cubs don't count however, they are also guilty because not only did Myass say so but also due to the fact that they never won a World Series/didn't show up to practice that one time/let that game early once/married a girl from St. Louis/didn't hustle to first when I was at a game ruining my day/etc. Future Cubs are guilty until such time as they join the Cubs, Myass has spoken.

Second, if a player has a "career year" he is guilty. Myass says there are no such things as career years only juiced up players looking to cheat the fans and the game. On the opposite side, if a player has a down year he was on the juice during every other year. Doesn't every player fall into this category due to the nature of humankind in general and sports in specifics, you ask??? Nope, I don't have any actual data or facts to back this up except to say it came from Myass, and as I said earlier, he/she is never wrong.

Everyone thinks the Mitchell report is only going to focus on the last decade or so but you're wrong, this investigation is going to span the entire 20th and 21st centuries. Here are wild accusations Myass gave as examples:

Barry Bonds. Take a look at this; in 2001 Barry had 177 BB in 153 games. In 1992 he had 93 BB in 159 games, by my math that's almost twice as many. So what, those aren't even power numbers, you say? Well if he wasn't on the juice why would pitchers be throwing around him so much? My point has been made, Myass has spoken.

Ted Williams. .406 in 1941, his next best year .369 in 1948. That was 60 years ago there was no HGH back then, you say. Well, prove to me he wasn't on the juice!....You can't? Argument won by me. Myass is once again right.

Carl Yastrzemski. Everyone knows he won the Triple Crown in 1967, but did you know he never won it again? Yep, never again. Career Year Alert! Yaz is juicer.

Pitchers aren't immune either.

Roger Clemens. Clemens throws hard, plays for the Yankees, gained weight in his 40's, and frosts the tips of his hair. Need I say more? Juiced out of his mind.

Mordecai "Three Fingered" Brown. Brown had 13 saves in 1911 yet never got any more than 7 in any other year of his career. But wasn't he a starter and wasn't this a different era all together, you ask. All I hear is blah, blah, blah, HGH, blah. You are wrong. Myass is right. Also seriously, can you name 3 other players with 3 fingers who weren't on roids? You can't! Looks like I win again.

You see now just how damaging this report is going to be. Good thing Myass was able pull all these details out for you so that you can be prepared for the coming Armageddon. You should probably start by returning your season tickets. Actually the guy who has the 4 seats behind the Cubs dugout, yeah you better just send them to me for safekeeping.

GO CUBS!