SB Nation User Blog: LAXile

Heartbroken about Zito Sucking A$$?

LAXile — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 02:48:25 -0000

I am. Last year it was kinda funny. Ha ha. The Giants suck. So what if he was my favorite A since Ricky? If his Metrodome Masterpeice was one of my all-time best sports moments (along with the US Olymplic Team's "Miracle on Ice" -- yeah -- I was a kid and had no idea about how ideological forces would twist this into something it wasn't -- UCLA over Gonzaga two March Madnesses ago -- three of those kids were students of mine, if you're wondering -- Baron F'ing Davis last year against the Mavs, Sammy White back in the day, Stew beating Clemens, etc, etc)? He deserved it, you say? I don't care. Clearly, you've been drinking Meyer lemon-gin martinis? Ok -- fair enough. But that curve, that beautiful curve -- striking out Vlad over and over. Vlad who could hit anything out of the park? Curses upon you, I say! I'm mourning my sports hero. He's dead. You're almost forty gosh-derned years old, you say? Well, so what? You're stupid and ugly, and you don't care about half-assed Zen-inspired Zito quotes on the sports page. He often said things that almost seemed brilliant. It wasn't always, "I'm was trying to be too fine," as some of you Z-hatahs would have it. Sometimes he said shit like, the leaves in the wind were of different colors, and that made me lose a little of the movement on my "fast"ball. Ok. He never said that, But you know what I mean. In any case, I'm mourning the death of FIZito. Fare thee well. May angels of mercy sing you to your incredibly rich sleep.

DLD 7/18: HAPPY HAPPY! HA HA! POSITIVE!

LAXile — Wed, 18 Jul 2007 14:12:22 -0000

You can't wipe this smile off my face, no siree Bob! Cuz we live in the greatest nation in the history of smiles and bunnies and that makes everyone a winner in my book! Where did I get this attitude from? Happy Bob Geren, that's who, silly! A little bird told me that the A's have been going through some frowny frump-frumps lately, but that doesn't keep Bobby (or 'Gare' as I call him) from his Bob Schuller/Norman Vincent Peale happity-joy-joys! No, way, Jose! See: here's what he told our valiant warriors after last night's effort:

"We're definitely looking up, fighting an upward battle right now, there's no doubt," manager Bob Geren said. "We had a nice talk today with the team, and everybody's really trying to push forward and climb out of it collectively. Some good signs tonight."

If you read the rest of the story , you'll see that Gare's message is 'Stay Positive, Fellas!!!!' which I think is okie-dokie! Thank goodness that our lovely community of baseball fans approved of Gare's managerial style during the month of April, 'cuz I didn't like that frowny Ken Macha, not one bit!

I also have an inspiring story, and I think it might bring a collective smile to that AN frown! I was playing Pinch Hitter the other day, and I wasn't doing so well at first. But then I prayed, put on the soundtrack to 'Annie,' switched my frown to an ear-to-ear grin, and in my last three pitches ended up hitting several super 8,000 pointers out of the sandlot (if you aren't familiar with this game, you should definitely check it out!! No link, though; it's a little addicting!!!) Then I realized: my game of Pinch Hitter is just like the A's: we might start off with some not so smiley times, but we can stil pull off a late-season streak, just like I did!

Plus: Happy Birthday to me!!!

DLD 6/14/07: Sasquatch, Loch Ness, Kendall HR.

LAXile — Thu, 14 Jun 2007 08:41:05 -0000

I don't do the stats like the stat folks, I can't write an entirely objective sports analysis like Mychael Urban, but I can put together some funny-ass stuff. I guess I'm a one-tool blogger (as opposed to the five-toolers, like sal, grover, bbg, oh god who am I forgetting?)...

In any case, let me sum up yesterday's game in 3 pictures:

Yes, yesterday's game will go down in Oakland history alongside the 5-31-06 Grit-Blast that singlehandedly fired up our boys on their way to the division title (TO THE CHAMPS!!!). Congrats, Chris Sampson (who got into a Zambrano-style dugout fight with Dan Wheeler last night), you have now joined a very exclusive club! You still lag far behind Curt Schilling, who is the only pitcher alive or dead to have given up more than two HRs lifetime to JK, while Tom Glavine, Denny Neagle, and Brian Anderson are the only others to have allowed JK to hit more than one HR against them over the years. Don't believe me? Check Retrosheet . (I have no idea how to link to specific Retrosheet pages.)

DLD Digest: Shannon Stewart Blows Up Rotting Whale Carcass! (6/7/07)

LAXile — Fri, 08 Jun 2007 00:27:07 -0000

The second in AN's continuing series for those of you just can't be bothered to read the entire DLD. Think of it as a mix of Soap

Episode 85: Mary is drinking heavily. Jodie is stuck in a past life as an old Jewish man. A suicidal Chester finds Danny and Annie in bed and decides to kill them first. Sheriff Burt is ambushed. Jessica faces a firing squad.

and Cambridge Scientific Abstracts. Yesterday's DLD Digest is here.

Secret ASian Man gave us videographic proof that blowing up whales is stupid. He also (rightly) dissed the SF Chronicle for wrongly claiming that the Analheim Ducks are the first West Coasters to win the Stanely Cup. green star oakland pondered whether a 2 year old should bring a toy broom to the fourth game of a potential sweep. Poppy rides a broom to the office and Jay Witasick wears a tube top. The Artist Formerly and Currently Known as Prince celebrates his birthday today, while a German cat has his own webcam.

Poll

Is the DLD Digest a crucial part of your evening?

Yes.

8 votes

No, it is a total and absolute waste of time. Get a frigging life.

11 votes

FIRE LARRY DAVIS OUT OF A CANNON NOW!!!

33 votes

52 votes | Poll has closed

DLD Digest: The Inaugural Edition (6/6/07)

LAXile — Wed, 06 Jun 2007 22:30:06 -0000

Do you ever have one of those days where you don't even have enough time to procrastinate (=read the entire DLD)? Do you wish your could have Cate Blanchette read you the DLD aloud while you sip a delicious beverage, preferably somewhere near clear water and blue skies? Well, that sure as shootin' ain't gonna happen, but I've thought up the next best thing...or maybe the 567th next best thing: the DLD Digest, aka DLD for Dummies, DLD in a Nutshell -- you get the idea. So without further ado, her is today's DLD Digest.

BCG celebrated MaEl's birthday with some cool pix and some kind words from Terry Francona. Most of the DLD itself was spent arguing whether it is cool to pick on nerds, with salb918 standing up for the nerds...uh...socially and aesthetically challenged people, and several others playing the part of bullies. Some time was devoted to the question of whether people -- including Canadians -- should stand during the national anthem. Much excitement was generated by the possibility of a feature film based on the Thundercats. Has anything positive been said about Ron Washington in Texas? AN wants to know. There were also far too many pictures of cats. And jubjub's moving back to Boston in time for sal jr's 1st birthday. Are people who say "pellow" and "melk" "batshit insane"? Is A's-BoSox lovin' unnatural? Any questions?

Poll

Has LAXile taken procrastination to a new level?

Yes.

6 votes

He's an amateur.

4 votes

Who's gonna do the year-end DLD Digest summary?

9 votes

FIRE LARRY DAVIS OUT OF A CANNON NOW!

15 votes

34 votes | Poll has closed

Literary Ripoff: The Lake Isle of 'Innisfremont' (or 'There's an A in Yeats')

LAXile — Mon, 14 May 2007 20:29:57 -0000

Inspired by monkeyball's 'Slouching Toward Fremont,' here is another pointless pastiche of William Butler Yeats. There original can be found here.

(Please note the irony of the threat of global warming (that could submerge the future park) and said park's lack of public transportation (that could increase global warming). Isn't irony fun!

The Lake Isle of Innisfremont

I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfremont,
And a small ballpark build there, of brick and concrete made;
Nine Beane boys will we play there, green grass on which to bunt,
And cheer aloud in the car-loud shade.

And Wolff shall make some cash there, for cash comes falling quick; it’s
Falling from the luxury suites of Cisco Field pillage;
At midnight Wolff will count service charges from Blackberry tickets,
And revenues from his urban village.

I will arise and leave now, for I cannot afford
To hear Bay water lapping as the polar caps do thaw;
While I stand upon the Bart platform, or by my brokedown Ford:
Hitch-hiking the 880’s ‘gainst the law.

DLD 5/10/07: Münchausen Syndrome!

LAXile — Thu, 10 May 2007 15:47:48 -0000

Bitching, kvetching, internecine snarking, and posting pix of a disgruntled Larry Davis are some of the ways that the A's faithful have expressed their befuddlement at the seemingly endless string of injuries this season. But until now no one has offered a convincing argument about why so many players have gotten injured. I have taken my own pet theory for a mental test-drive through the twisted and often washed-out highways of my mind, and I'm now ready to present it to the public in today's DLD.

The simple answer is Münchausen Syndrome , or more accurately, Münchausen Syndrome by proxy, a psychiatric disorder where a person, usually a parent, deliberately falsifies illness or injury, or deliberately sickens another person in order to keep that person close to them. You might be familiar with this disorder from the film The Sixth Sense, in which a mother puts cleaning fluid into her child's food. In case you find this theory far-fetched, not to mention "paranoid," here's a photograph of the Baron Münchausen riding an elephant. It just makes sense.

In a related story that might have been taken from Larry Davis's childhood, a kid grows pot on police chief's property .

Yes, yes, that's all fine and good, LAXile, you might be thinking at this point, but what does any of this have to do with reality? (Yes, that is the wikipedia link for "reality.") My answer: in a world where Jason Kendall goes 3 for 4 and still can't help the A's win, what does "reality" matter?

The Verdict on Garret Anderson is in!

LAXile — Sat, 14 Apr 2007 19:40:55 -0000

I've read the voluminous comments posted on AN over the last few days about whether or not Garret Anderson should be considered a douchebag for not wearing #42 to honor Jackie Robinson, and I've decided that Garrett Anderson is, in fact, a douchebag.

While I have sincerely enjoyed much of the discussion pitting the symbolism of this gesture vs. serious committment to actual social change, I am hereby declaring Anderson a douchebag, the RevWharholfan a douchebag fan, and this topic settled once and forever.

Poll

Is Garret Anderson a douchebag?

Yes

80 votes

80 votes | Poll has closed

NRAFs in the Outfield: Who's going to Angel Stadium?

LAXile — Thu, 05 Apr 2007 17:04:39 -0000

I just wanted to see if anyone else is going to see the A's in Anaheim for the upcoming series. I and Mrs. LAXile will be there on Saturday to see Haren vs. Lackey. We'll be sitting in section T202, row D, and we'll probably also drop by the National Sports Bar (just down the street) beforehand for a few pre-game refreshments. I thought I'd open a diary to see who's going and to make it easier for folks to meet up if they want to. Oh yeah, I almost forgot: Die, Angels, Die. Let's go, A's!

DLD 3/7: My Very First Dump!

LAXile — Tue, 06 Mar 2007 16:28:35 -0000

I hope to feel much lighter after I send this one down the pipe. Speaking of German ostriches who had their libido scared out of them by firecracker-wielding punks, check out this cautionary tale about what not to do to large flightless birds named Gustav.

While I'm on the subject, let me point out that no news is not necessarily good news, particularly when it comes to injured A's. It looks like

the details of Mark Kotsay's back injury continue to trickle out slowly from A's camp.

Hopefully his spinal fluid doesn't follow this same pattern. But wait: there's more! It also turns out that

A phone message left with Kotsay on Monday was not returned.

I think we should all applaud the courage shown by the CCTimes here for refusing to fold up and go home despite the lack of any NEWS regarding Kotsay. ( "Info Scarce on Kotsay's Back")

In this same article, Geren explains Blanton's tardy ST start:

Manager Bob Geren was ambiguous in describing why Joe Blanton's first Cactus League start was shifted from Monday to today. Brad Halsey started instead against the Angels. Geren downplayed the issue, saying that "somewhere in the throwing progress" Blanton was behind the other pitchers but is now up to speed.

Could it be that the part of "the throwing process" where Big Joe lagged was walking all the way to the mound? That's mean; I sincerely apologize to the Hostess Corporation for any pain I may have caused.

And finally, I fear that the $3,500 of Sports4Kids money we're trying to generate to help underprivileged kids see the A's this year is curiously the same sum needed to buy some "face time" with Jacko in Tokyo.

Guests paying $3,500 to attend Thursday's VIP party will get to mingle with Jackson and spend up to one minute of exclusive face time with him, according to organizers. Those on a tighter budget can pay $130 for Friday's fan art contest, hosted by the singer.

So in the spirit of extremely facetious questions, let me ask the question on everyone's mind: which one of the front page writers is most likely to swipe money from the kids to spend possibly 34 seconds with the Pied Piper, aka, the King of Pop?