SB Nation User Blog: Management

Pac-10 Football Midterm

Management — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 13:16:08 -0000

We're close to half way through the Pac-10 season, which means it's time to test the knowledge you've attained so far. No fair peeking!!

PAC-10 FOOTBALL MIDTERM

1. Now that Tyrone Willingham has been fired, what should he do with his newfound job security through the end of the season?

Coach an entire game with a Magic 8 Ball
Dress like a purple Zorro on the sideline and blitz all 11 defenders on every down
tell the NCAA where the Don James Era buried the bodies
start a really big March Madness pool

2. Washington State's season was over when...

they lost 8 scholarships in the off-season due to various misconduct
they hired a coach who closely resembles the Incredible Hulk--only he's not green
two quarterbacks broke their backs against Portland State
Sean Canfield shot a silver bullet into their crimson hearts

3. After UCLA was blanked 59-0 at BYU and Oregon State somehow lost on the road in Salt Lake City after a series of plays that also included an unusual pass interference call, what did we learn about Utah as a state?

Utah boasts two quality football programs
It appears there may be an advantage to playing at altitude
Kyle Whittingham and Bronco Mendenhall are poised to coach their teams into the BCS
Anything can happen when cousins marry

4. In Dynamics 212, we learned that the best way to defeat USC's best defense in the nation is with?

6'-2", 229 lb JC transfer RB with zero rushing yards
a wishbone offense incapable of forward passing
QB with senior leadership chucking it all around the yard
5'-6", 195 lb true freshman RB and a balanced passing attack

5. What has been the highlight of Arizona State's season so far?

Listening to Georgia fans complain about not being able to drink hard alcohol in their parking lots
Not being on television last weekend against oregon in the Irrelevant Teams Bowl
Limiting Rudy Carpenter's injuries to "just" a broken ankle
All-maroon outfits!

6. Which duck uniform is the "coolest" this year?

rumors of zip-up leotards
the peeled banana look at ASU
tire tracks they got on their knees and shoulders from their Boise State beatdown
the totally space-age LCD flat screen of LaGarette Blount's rushing stats that he was wearing on his helmet during the USC game

7. Arizona is likely to have its first winning season in 8 years and are coming up with a new commemorative slogan. Is it...

We win half as often as leap year
Our Stoops would just be an angry white guy with a visor if it wasn't for nepotism
Perhaps you've heard that we also have a football team
We beat oregon so easily every year that most people mistake it for the ducks' bowl game performances

8. Following oregon's epic display of impotism against USC, which ACTUAL post game quote from Jeremiah Masoli is most delusional and insulting to one's intelligence?

"We feel like we're the better team."
"Tonight they played better than us, and the score indicated that. But I still feel like we're the better team, we just gave that one away."
"We just made some mistakes that we usually don't. I feel like our football team is better all-around, but they played better tonight, so they got the 'W'.''
The only surprising thing is that it wasn't Bellotti saying them.

9. Ancient History 411 taught us that the football program at the University of Washington was?

A respectable football program that competed for conference titles
Just another cupcake opponent for Notre Dame
The best place to find a car loan, illegal drugs and guns.
Both #1 and #3

10. Which team is most deserving of being sponsored by Choke-a-Cola?

ASU: losing 5 straight
Cal: 3 total wins in the past 3 Novembers
Oregon: 5 total wins in the past 4 Novembers.
the State of Washington
All of the above

11. The Apple Cup's sponsorship is being withdrawn by disgruntled apple growers. Now it will be called:

"Boise State's Superbowl"
practice
The Special Olympics
2 girls, 1 Apple cup

If you're curious to find out what you got on the test, click on this link.

Big time tip of the hat to Rock M Nation.

CV3000 Makes EPIC Comeback!

Management — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 05:47:09 -0000

Note: Sorry duckies, we were only kidding! CV3000 is back for the season. Here we have an exclusive interview with this celebrity Oregon State blogger.

Denver Police Pepper Spraying Protesters? Nope. CV3000 Spraying Serious Truth. via extras.mnginteractive.com

Jake: You've had quite a long layoff since you were fired. What have you been doing to stay in shape?

CV3000: I've been staying away from the chilidogs and really hitting the 12 ounce curls to make sure I'm ready for Stanford. I added in some 1 ounce lifts for endurance, as well. I think that should help as the season goes on. Been reading some articles, too.

Jake: Why were duck fans calling for your head?

CV3000: Not really sure. All I did was tell them the truth about the talent level of their offensive line and provide a link to a newspaper article that says they block below the waist. I always thought that was just a euphemism.

Jake: Who was calling for your head? Do you think it was fair?

CV3000: The duck fans who were mad at me are the same ones who were mad that John Canzano and The New York Times both wrote about Colleen Bellotti attacking a journalist in the press box at their stadium.

Of course, these are also the same fans who think that Justin Roper was their 5th string quarterback last year, when he was clearly the 2nd best one that played. ]Obviously, you don't even have to know who Cam Colvin is to recognzie that their coaches historically have some talent evaluation issues--ed.] And they're the same fans who say that Roper can't be a good option quarterback, because they say he's "not agile enough."

In actuality, Roper's shuttle run time is MUCH faster than Jonathan Stewart's was. So that pretty much tells you all you need to know about how informed their fans are. They also booed Dennis Dixon at Autzen Stadium last year. That needs to be pointed out in this paragraph.

Jake: Booing Dennis Dixon at the Houston game last year was pretty classless, even by UO fan behavior standards. Wait. Roper is more agile than Jonathan Stewart, a first round draft pick at running back? Is that true?

CV3000: Google that (lawyers). 20 yard shuttle drill:

Roper-3.91

Stewart-4.34

don't think that means Stewart is technically a stiff. I look at it as: duck fans can't read good.

[You should always add .24 seconds to convert hand-timing (which Roper's time probably is) to electronic times (which Stewart's definitely is, as his was from the NFL combine)--ed.]I

Jake: Wow. That's a big difference.

So what surprised you the most about this whole situation?

CV3000: I really had no idea that duck fans would be so upset with the truth coming out about their team and so committed to keeping the truth a secret.

Jake: What is the truth about their team?

CV3000: Everyone knows that they haven't won the Rose Bowl since World War 1 --except for their own fans -- who think that they're an "elite" program.

Jake: What other things do you think they would be surprised to know?

CV3000: Well, I think that they would be surprised that their coach has a losing record against coaches currently in the Pac-10, 17-23!! And he has a losing bowl record. In fact, their school has the worst bowl game winning percentage in Pac-10 history, and the fewest bowl wins.

Did I mention that they're 9-9 in the conference over the past 2 seasons and their fans still act like they're important?

17-23 against his peers, and their fans act like you're killing Bambi again if you even suggest that he's not one of the current top 5 coaches in the conference-- I just don't get it.

It seems like a lot of them think that winning isn't a required element of success.

Jake: That doesn't strike us as elite. Sounds more like mediocrity than anything.

CV3000: You said it. Their fans also like to perpetuate the myth that their team has more talent than the Beavers--erroneous, unforgivable arrogance.

Jake: You mean the Beavers are more talented than the ducks?

CV3000: Clearly. Year after year, Oregon State puts more players on the All Pac-10 team than anyone besides USC. Last I checked, OSU has a LOT more players on the all-time conference production lists for rushing, receiving, and passing--and from recent times, too.

Not only that, but the ducks' 5th fastest player runs a 4.71 40 yard dash. That's pretty (lawyers) slow for the 5th fastest player of any team--and it's got to be embarrassing for them that they only have 4 players besides their kicker who run under 4.7.

You would think that these facts would sink in down in Eugene and maybe temper the arrogance and output of misinformation, but ...they do have all of that meth production. I think it might be impairing their judgment.

Look for a line of signature CV3000 products on an infomercial near you viastarbulletin.com

Jake: Now that you've come back, do you have any plans to endorse a signature line of ergonomic keyboards?

CV3000: No, but I toyed with the idea of changing to CV45. It didn't really have the same futuristic ring to it that I like, though.

Jake: In the face of all the allegations, why did you come back?

CV3000: Besides... for the ladies, you mean?

I've got nothing to hide. I will continue to be one of the only sources of information that is NOT polluted by the propaganda machine in eugene. I just tell it like it is. All of those fans of the 2002 Seattle Bowl "participants" who think that their team is better or more talented than the Beavers are just going to have to deal with the truth if they want to stop by this blog. [And they do stop by, 40% of our readers are jealous duck fans--ed.]

That's really all I'm here for: I serve as a true parody of every arrogant duck fan who ever lived. Your hard work has finally paid off. If you don't like what I'm writing, then I'm probably writing it because of something you said.

Ignorance is strength....in eugene, anyway.

So you're here to fight their Masters in Folklore degree program?

CV3000: Ha. That's HILARIOUS! There's such a thing as a Masters in Folklore?

Now we know what to call their entire fanbase, Masters in Folklore.

CV3000 Fired -- per duck fan request

Management — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 06:14:57 -0000

It is with a heavy heart that we bring this sad news to you. We had some recent allegations against CV3000, claiming that he makes things up about the 5th place ducks (he didn't make that up--they did finish 5th in the Pac-10), and so we had to perform an investigation.

Here are the complaints:

Wow, they really should fire CV3000

I have friends at OSU and I don’t think this bitterness and lack of college football knowledge is a good indicator of Beaver fans. Grow Up and try and make a blog based on facts……………..try to.

by a duck fan on Aug 20, 2008 10:02 PM PDT

A blog not based on these (click here) facts?

In that quote from the article about UW practicing for chop blocking….. there isn’t one mention about the University of Oregon, so just because you have a hatred for us doesn’t mean you can make up things about our team. It sounds like they are just practicing it to practice it and be ready. Never heard anything about us being dirty in any media. So I really think you should rethink your way of writing here. I’m all for a little sly and witty jabs here and there but your end, right now, is getting childish and pathetic. ... Just saying there are a lot more important things for your team you could be talking about then making up things about your fellow Oragonians 45 minutes south.

by A duck fan who was up past midnight--on a week night, obsessing for several hours about the Beavers on Aug 21, 2008 12:17 AM PDT

It was the saddest decision since Ol' Yeller, but we had to let CV3000 go for (gasp!) quoting and linking a beat writer on a football blog. Now that we've let CV3000 go, this duck fan --who was up past midnight obsessing about the Beavers-- can have another peaceful day in the little green bubble.

"The duck fan gazed up at the enormous face. Forty years it had taken him to learn what kind of smile was hidden beneath the dark moustache. O cruel, needless misunderstanding! O stubborn, self-willed exile from the loving breast! Two gin-scented tears trickled down the sides of his nose. But it was all right, ever ything was all right, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory over himself. The duck fan loved Big Brother."

Poll

What do you think of CV3000 being fired?

Sad--I'm a Duck and I liked what he wrote

9 votes

Mad--I'm a Beav and I loved what he wrote

87 votes

Glad--I'm a Duck and I didn't really like what he wrote

7 votes

Overjoyed- he was a (lawyers) who knows nothing about football and I don't think he's funny in any way

21 votes

124 votes | Poll has closed