SB Nation User Blog: Maple Leaf Blue

Berger Logic

Maple Leaf Blue — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 04:44:21 -0000

Thanks to the wonderful world of self-publishing we might someday be subjected to a book by Mr. Howard Berger. It'll take the place of honour in bargain bins and as part of the $1 hardcovers sale at bookstores across the GTA. What the book would contain is pointless to consider...I mean, considering the subject it would be pointless to read what the book contains. It would be infinitely easier to hit up any member of the Barilkosphere and do a search on the hairy-lipped hot air-spewing putz.

To put the proper perspective on his latest column choices Berger has been so bad in the past couple of weeks that people are actually suggesting that he might be worse than Damien Cox. DAMIEN COX! THE FREAKING OMEN! Did any of you think that you would see the day?!?!

His latest piece is a tour de force. I won't go into the Berger Bingo aspects of the article and do not click over. It starts out by suggesting that the Leafs are doing something wrong by trying to trade McCabe and that Fletcher is acting out of character and ruining his reputation around the league (sure) as if they were doing something unique. There are the obligatory potshots at the fans (if I see you at the Cup parade in 2012 Berger I will actually punch you in the mustache. Write that down four eyes) and a stunning display of Berger Logic. Here is all you need to read:

Last summer, I was inundated with a particular ilk of e-mail, informing me that the Leafs’ only problem in 2006-07 was the sub-par goaltending of Andrew Raycroft. “The Leafs greatly reduced the number of opposition shots on goal last season, and would have been much further ahead in the standings if not for Raycroft’s blunders,” was the gist of these messages. The hockey club obviously agreed, as then-GM John Ferguson coughed up a first-round draft choice to San Jose for Vesa Toskala. And, Toskala – after a slow start – proved to be among the elite netminders in the NHL. Why, then, did the Leafs fall from a 9th-place club that missed the Eastern Conference playoffs by one point, to a 12th-place team that missed by a mile-and-a-half? The Raycroft theory was blown to smithereens.

I sense the scapegoat this summer is Paul Maurice – the coach that everyone in Leafs Nation welcomed with open arms, only to throw overboard when the club continued to founder. If that’s the case, then Ron Wilson has one hell of a task in front of him. At best, the 2008-09 Leafs are two-thirds as talented as any Toronto club in recent years. It is a team, however, with a front-line goalkeeper that will steal a game here and there. But, the aggregate will show in the standings, where the Leafs probably won’t surpass 75 points. How, then, will Wilson be received?

It's a long excerpt because I wanted to get the full gist in here in order to save you the need to click over to The Fraud's site. As an asid: I just had to pour a bucket of visine on my eyes to stem the bleeding).

To refresh your memory, here are a couple of posts about Andrew Raycroft and his stats from 2006-2007 and the post here the day that Maurice got fired which lists a plethora of shortcomings on the coach's behalf that torpedoed the season. Oh yeah, and the backup going 2-9-5 sure as shit didn't help things.

Anyway, read that Berger passage again. How stunningly simple is the man? The Leafs' suckage in 2007-2008 vindicates Andrew Raycroft because it proves that the 2006-2007 season was not his fault because a team cannot be terrible two years in a row for two completely different reasons. Put another way, here's how Berger might approach other such puzzles in his life:

My latest girlfriend Linda left me because she didn't appreciate my stalking here. This just proves that Dolores was delusional when she said our relationship ended because of my cross-dressing.
My mechanic said that my '83 Datsun broke down because when I hopped the curb in pursuit of some evil Leaf fans I broke my axle. That proves that I was right when I told the other mechanic that my car did not break down because I forgot to make an oil change for 50,000 kms.
My being labelled as a useless tool by Leaf fans for being unable to present a coherent argument and for relentlessly making unfounded or invented statements proves that people don't think I suck because I lied about Sean Avery and got sued.

Howard Berger is in his element. He works in a place where rumours have Sundin going to a different continent every day run by a charlatan so it makes sense that he would be welcomed with open arms for being such a simpleton. He actually thinks that the Leafs' poor season last year means that it is impossible that the Leafs failed for a different season two years ago. Does anybody else see this? Please tell I am not taking crazy pills. I'd hate to be on the same drug as Berger.

5 Ways to Save the NHL

Maple Leaf Blue — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 18:02:59 -0000

5 Ways to Save the NHL

Contraction/Relocation - Some teams just are not going to make it. Florida, Atlanta, Nashville, Tampa Bay, and the Islanders can get either axed or moved. "Give them a good team and they'll support it!" will say the whiners. Well, part of having a club is supporting it in the downtimes. Just ask us.
Home Whites - Seriously, what a terrible idea by the league.
Throwback Jerseys - Stop using them to make more money from fans and use them as their permanent jerseys. Wait, should I call them sweaters?
No More Shootout - And not just because the Leafs suck at it. Why should teams make the playoffs because they have players that are better at breakaways than another team's? Dammit I hate Bettman.
Divisional Playoffs - You know why Leafs and sens fans hate each other? Because of playoff meetings. Not six regular season games in three weeks.

This is the hit that PPP mentions on St. Louis' Bruce Bell.

Maple Leaf Blue — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 16:51:08 -0000

This is the hit that PPP mentions on St. Louis' Bruce Bell.

I sit and wonder, why hasn't (Toronto's) hockey team won anything? Why hasn't the baseball team...

Maple Leaf Blue — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 15:28:15 -0000

I sit and wonder, why hasn't (Toronto's) hockey team won anything? Why hasn't the baseball team been successful lately? Because I'm coming from the outside and I don't know if you guys get your heads together cause you don't like writing nice things. ... You just want to write sh--. And I'm wondering if it's a knock-on effect to all the other sports. Does Toronto want their teams to be successful? I'm asking you.

TFC coach John Carver rails against the city's terrible sportswriting.

Stamkos: Tank Away Boys!

Maple Leaf Blue — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 22:10:28 -0000

I am guessing that PPP missed this because he doesn't read The Sun but Steven Stamkos is a fan of the tank:

"To be a Leaf would be a dream come true," said Stamkos, who already has 80 points in just 46 games. "I idolized the Leafs growing up. I've always been a Leafs fan.

"I'm not going to lie to you. I've checked out the NHL standings. I pay attention to where the Leafs sit. I know they're near the bottom of the standings. The chance of (getting picked by them) definitely is in the back of my mind."

Highlights from the article include his childhood in Unionville:

Growing up in Unionville, a thriving bedroom community just north of Toronto, young Steven viewed the world through blue-and-white glasses. His father, Chris, was a huge Leafs supporter and passed on that unbridled passion to his son at an early age.

his father's love of Wendel Clark:

"Dad's favourite player was always Wendel Clark. I kind of carried on that tradition."

and the coincidence that the last time the Leafs drafted a player first overall they picked up Wendel.

Zeisberger has a warning for the Leafs though:

One final point that needs to be brought to your attention, Maple Leafs. Just hours after eagerly discussing his passion for the Leafs in an interview, Stamkos went out and racked up four goals and an assist to lead his Sarnia Sting to a 9-1 win over the Owen Sound Attack.

Imagine him doing that in a Leafs uniform one day.

It won't happen if you keep screwing things up by winning.

Hopefully the Leafs can start heeding that call and will respond to the sens' move with the first of many trades to revamp this franchise.

Cure For What Ails The Leafs

Maple Leaf Blue — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 16:31:07 -0000

Forget firing JFJ (because it finally happened!!! allegedly.) or replacing Maurice or trading away the team: sex will solve everything

Turns out that 4,000 years of conventional wisdom was wrong and that players should be taking a roll in the hay as part of a balanced pre-game ritual. Casey Stengel was a progressive manager but he spotted the flaw in letting the players try to find their own:

It's not the sex that wrecks these guys, it's staying up all night looking for it.

Emmanuelle Jannini pinpoints a reason why the Leafs might have gone from a tough team to one of the softest:

Jannini has discovered that sex stimulates the production of testosterone, which boosts aggression. He says that adult levels of testosterone, after three months without sex, drop close to those of children. It's not a good prescription for a boxer or for the moribund Leaf player.

I guess Pat Quinn gave the boys a bit of a longer leash. But the article really gives hopes to Leaf fans with this:

Another researcher, Barry Komisaruk, a physiology professor at Rutgers University in New Jersey has found that sex combats muscle pain. It does this by blocking the release of a neuropeptide, called substance P, which transmits muscle pain. And muscle pain is the last thing players need on a long shift on the ice.

That would certainly help alleviate the pain I feel in my brain muscle and heart muscle when I watch the Leafs lose.

Job Opening

Maple Leaf Blue — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 15:47:53 -0000

I came across this job posting on the Battle of Ontario site. I think maybe we should get our resumes ready. The qualifications don't seem so tough to meet.

Great golf skills (will be tested before hired)

Ability to identify and aquire lazy overpaid defenceman

Has an eye for 'HotCold' goalies

Able to convince players on roster to join ownership group for golf

Can transfer draft picks for overpiad aging veterans

Can say 'yes' whenever ownership group or NHL commisioner demands

Can look the media in the eye and say 'Yes the Leafs are a really good team'.

Prefer someone who has some NHL experinece. Fantasy leagues or a proven track record betting will be considered.

Attract other acts (Bands, shows etc) to perform at ACC during non-hockey season (mid April - Sept)

This is a term contract for 3 years. After which it will likely not be renewed. You will be expected to take the blame for anything the ownership, coachs or players do or don't do whether responsible or not.

Cox Bloc

Maple Leaf Blue — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 19:33:28 -0000

If you guys haven't been to Cox Bloc then I suggest your run/type quickly to it. First Godd Till solves the mystery of Steve Simmons and his rapidly changing opinions and he does it with an obscure anarchist reference to an even more obscure English striker:

I propose there is no "Steve Simmons," not in the sense of one idiotic Toronto Sun columnist, anyway. Rather, there are many, participating in an ingenious long-running act of cultural sabotage. Their goal is not just to mock our fascination with the meaningless world of professional sports, thereby exposing it as the opiate of the 21st-century masses, but to actually fully destroy the bourgeois concepts of logic and reason themselves, paving the way for society as an endless carnival where the jester is king and the hyenas of the state are left to feast joylessly on their own entrails. Or something like that. The "Steve Simmons" who appears on the Reporters is either one of the most brilliant cultural terrorists of our time, or a well-meaning carpet salesman from Ajax who is under the mistaken impression that he is a widely loved sportswriter.

As if that revelation wasn't shocking enough, there is a winner in Coxbloc's 1967 Contest: Howard Berger! Apparently, PPP's guess of Damien Cox lost (much to everyone's surprise) so he has to write a 'have to send a not-obviously-sarcastic complimentary e-mail' to Howard.

Fletcher and Bowman

Maple Leaf Blue — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 15:34:24 -0000

In the early 90s that pairing would have been deadly. Now one or the other could serve to save the Leafs from further decline. Granted, there is not that far to go but that just means that there is a tonne of room for improvement.

I think that everyone that saw the Hockey Night in Canada interview with Scotty Bowman in which he basically outlined how the board structure (ie Tanenbaum v. Peddie) left him befuddled just as he was about to accept a job as the head of the Leafs' hockey operations. Despite being jerked around by Dick Peddie he seemed to still be interested:

That's a pretty tough question to answer right now because you're asking something that's real hypothetical. It would be awful tough to leave Detroit right now. That's where I want to win. We'll cross that bridge if we get to it, though.

To someone who follows soccer that is what is known as a come-get-me-plea. Bowman cannot come out and actively campaign for the job but he leaves it up to MLSE to go after him.

Or not.

I don't think they're going to do anything at all. There's nothing anybody can do there now, anyways. The season is past the halfway point. I haven't talked to them since the beginning of August.

Oh that coy Scotty. He's telling MLSE that things are so terrible that he needs to be hired ASAP before it's too late for next season too. Or he's tired of the shenanigans and will not consider any offer.

And if he doesn't, Bob McKenzie is reporting that Cliff Fletcher is being asked about being a caretaker for the remainder of the season. I am not too sure if we want Mr. Draft Schmaft running things but he did get the Leafs to two Conference Finals. Presumably he'd have limited powers until the Leafs could hire a President of Hockey Operations in the summer from a broader pool of candidates. Oh, and they have to fire Richard Peddie.