SB Nation User Blog: Martial Farts

The Biggest Strawman in MMA

Martial Farts — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 07:14:07 -0000

There's something that I really have to get off my chest, and I think it has been mentioned on Bloody Elbow before.

Dana White is having an arguement with himself. He either thinks, or pretends to think, that he is having an argument with Emilianenko Fedor. But really, it's with himself.

Fedor is a [snorking] joke...

[He] turns down a huge deal and the opportunity to face the best in the world to fight nobodies, for no money. Fedor is a [crandlebarge]...

White consistently falls back on the arguement that Fedor is somehow ducking competition. That if he doesn't fight in the UFC, he isn't proving himself to be the best.

Fedor has nothing to prove at this point. He boasts one of the best recods in MMA. He decimated the Pride heavyweight division for a number of years, in a sport where we all know, everyone has a puncher's chance and anything can happen (see the Fedor fish dance in the Fujita fight for evidence of that.)

Fedor has beaten no less than five of the UFC's champions after they held their belts.

In his own words:

I don’t consider myself on top of the pedestal...

This is my job, and to be honest with you, if I didn’t have to work this job, I probably wouldn’t. It’s how I make my living. It’s even tough to accept this is what I do for the living.

Those are not the words of a fame and fortune-hungry young buck willing to test himself against any and all comers. Those are the words of a humble and comfortable man who happens to be very talented at fighting.

White needs to stop spinning the "Fedor is scared of the competition" line. It's tired, and it's wrong.

In all likeliness, I think the biggest factor in Dana not signing Fedor is Dana himself.

Rumina Sato vs. Ulysses Gomes at Grapplers Quest. Notice Sato shaking hands with a pleased-looking...

Martial Farts — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 17:29:59 -0000

Rumina Sato vs. Ulysses Gomes at Grapplers Quest. Notice Sato shaking hands with a pleased-looking Fertitta and a reverential-looking Joe Silva.

Thanks Patrick.

Donald Frye Pumps Himself as Possible Punchbag for PFedor

Martial Farts — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 10:06:47 -0000

Yeah baby.

Next to jump on the Fedor / Barnett manure wagon is Donald Frye. He took time out from single-handedly exploding the hell out of middle-eastern dictators, chopping down trees with his moustache, headbutting rogue narwhals and firing missiles at comets to talk to MMA Weekly.

If Tom was smart, he'd have me fighting Fedor instead of whoever he's hiring on a one week notice. My phone works if he wants a real fight with someone who sell a fight in four days, somebody who will beat that bald-headed commie too. He ain't seen anything I have to offer. He built his whole reputation (as a) waffle house chef. They've been serving him up ham and eggs with a side of canned tomatoes. I'll bring it. And if he can bring it, you'll have the best fight you've ever seen on the planet.

It's almost impossible to make that statement any more awesome and in fact it was so awesome that my fingernails just curled right off my fingers and most of Pakistan exploded and I think even a bunch of kangaroos in Australia jumped like four metres in the air and said "yeeha."

Frye vs. Fedor is the only sane decision at this point. Sure they could bring Belfort in but that would involve all kinds of reshuffling and pie eating, and besides, Belfort doesn't even have a moustache.

Donald Frye would provide a punching bag of the perfect meatiness and consistency for Fedor to maul, keeping the bloodthirsty fans--and moustache afficionados--happy.

The only way this bout could be made more awesome is if Fedor agreed to grow a handlebar moustache in time for the fight and the two dueled in the centre of the ring. The moustaches could be combed and oiled in between rounds.

Affliction: Trilogy coverage

Analysing Josh Barnett's Response to the Failed Drug Test

Martial Farts — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 09:12:24 -0000

Josh issued a statement via that bastion of professionalism, Myspace.

I'd like to analyse it and try to extrapolate some meaning.

Many of you are wondering what's happening. What I can say is that when applying for my license, the CSAC asked for me to submit a urine sample for testing prior to granting my license as they do with everyone, I believe. It was not a random test. I had no reason to believe there would be any issues and went in to submit my sample at the earliest possible opportunity on June 25th. I never once thought there would be a problem.

My representatives and I are working to gather as much info as possible and handle this situation as best as we can. I am embarrassed and want for nothing more than to resolve this issue and receive a license from the State of California as I have done many times already and for other states as well.
I am very thankful for all the great family, friends and fans that still support me.

Sincerely,

Josh

The first thing I noticed was that nowhere in the statement does Josh deny taking the steroids. He simply says that he "had no reason to believe there would be any issues" and he "never once thought there would be a problem."

Josh knew that the test was coming, and assumed there would not be a problem. That means either one of two things: that he hadn't taken anything, or that he thought he had sufficiently masked or cycled the drugs out of his system.

According to this website, the detection time of Drostanolone is only three weeks. That seems to be much shorter than other forms of steroids. There would be plenty of time for a training camp and to cycle off the drugs in time for a clean test.

The second paragraph of Barnett's statement basically reads: "We are doing our best to get a whole bunch of other information around the fact that I got busted to make it seem less like I was busted. You never know I could have gotten unusually high doses of this manufactured drug in my system by bungee jumping with a lactating llama while rubbing sesame oil in my armpits and singing Camptown Races. Honest, it could have happened. Damn I'm such an idiot hole."

Now, in much the same way as I watched that remake of Knight Rider, hoping against hope that it might actually be good, I knew it was a pile of crap. Just like how, I hope against hope that there has been some terrible mistake and Josh really was humping a genetically engineered elephant in a zero-g tank and drinking tainted supplements while slathering untested hair-replacement oil on his buttocks and that's really why he got busted. but really, I have a bad feeling, the guy just did steroids and, in the process, screwed up a lot of things.

Here are the things that have been screwed up:

1) Barnett's ability to show the world he is awesome.

2) Fedor's chance to make Barnett eat his unitard.

3) My chance to see it happen.

4) Affliction.

5) Global warming.

I think Affliction should give Sakuraba a call. Or maybe Rickson.

Affliction: Trilogy coverage

UFC 100: Methinks

Martial Farts — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 20:48:15 -0000

Wow, UFC 100 hey? What an event. Phew, gee whiz. It sure was... hundredy. All kinds of hundred related shenanigans. A veritable hootenanny of fighty goodness.

Hot diggety damn, Akiyama is sexy. I liked his entrance, but I wonder how he liked kneeling down in puddles of piss and vomit and tobacco spit? He didn't look like Mr. Sexy Hollywood or whatever he wanted to be though as he went in. More like Mr. Pretty Nervous About This Fight Actually. Not surprising really.
Goldberg says "teep" like my Dad says "chillax". It just makes me cringe.
With a name like Belcher, you better be able to fight. He'll be one of those guys that goes back to a highschool reunion ten years later covered in grease with his eyes popping out yelling "WHO WANTS TO CALL ME BURP BOY NOW HUH? HUH?! WHO'S BELCHY BELCHYSTINK FACE NOW BITCHES!1?"
Dan Henderson may well have emailed Bisping about a week before the fight with the subject "BIG RIGHT HAND" and an attachment of a giant picture of a fist flying towards Bisping's face. I mean, could he have telegraphed it any more? Pawing with the lead hand and cocking the right back so far his knuckles were practically dragging on the floor. All you needed was a power indicator on the screen slowly filling with flashing green.
Perhaps Michael Bisping was having some kind of east / west atlantic confusion thing going on, and thought that in Vegas, you circle into the great ape's mega powerful right hand instead of away from it.
The punch after the punch: Dan Henderson has eerily accurate powers of prediction, shutting Bisping's mouth with his fist. What would have been more accurate would be if Henderson had have said "I'm gonna shut his mouth with my fist. Then I am going to take a flying leap at his prostrate form and hammer the ever-loving shit out of his unconscious face with my forearm so that his toes go stiff and he forgets his wife's name."
GSP: Pure, unadulterated awesomeness. Officially zooms straight to the number one spot in my book. More impressive than Anderson Silva, more active than Fedor, and an even better wrestler than Hulk Hogan and Ultimate Warrior combined.
Could Alves look any more like a pitbull? Only if he humped GSP's leg and pinched out a loaf on the edge of the octagon.
Brock Lesnar walks like an old man.
I think Mir had confidence right up until he actually made contact with Lesnar and Lesnar commenced hulk-smashing him.
Lesnar beat Mir like I used to get beaten up by my friend's big brothers. He should really have grabbed Mir's fists and made him pummel himself in the face and done the "quit hitting yourself" thing. Or maybe grabbed Mir's foot and done the same.
Only someone really really really mean can hold a grudge on someone after they've crunched their face into a bloody pulp. If Lesnar keeps demolishing people like this, eventually the UFC is going to have to include a clause in the small print that states people with "tattoos of giant cocks on their chestal area may be stripped of the title and turned into cat food at any time" as the only way to get rid of him. Or get someone to antagonise him so badly he actually eats somebody in the cage. They should get Pornstache Mazagatti in there to referee a rubber match with Mir in as biased a way as possible. That should about do it. I can just see Lesnar rubbing his belly and making slurping noises as Pornstache's legs fwip through his lips like spaghetti, Dana White jumping up and down in the background banging Lorenzo Fertootoo on the head with a stick.
Frank Mir may be in the same boat as Rich Franklin was after he had his nasal cavity ransacked by Anderson Silva; he's just going to have to divide the people in his weight class into two categories: people who are Brock Lesnar, and people who aren't.
I'm back, dickpunchers!

UFC 100 coverage

The Perfect Balance

Martial Farts — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 08:52:53 -0000

Just got through watching this week's episode of The Ultimate Fighter, Season 9.

I must say, it was probably the most well put-together of all the episodes I have seen for a very long time.

The thing they got right, for me, was balance.

There was the perfect balance of silly in-house drama, banter from the coaches, pre-fight training and strategy, and the actual fight.

With a show like this, balance is essential. You can't have too much of one thing or the other. Some of you bemoan the drama aspects of the show, and claim to be "only watching it for the fights." You probably only read Giant Hooters Monthly for the cookery tips, too, right?

And you can't have endless footage of immature and childish pranks and people saying "warrior" and swearing and breaking things and arguing and getting drunk. That gets seriously boring after a while.

This week, they actually showed the pre-fight training in detail and showed the coaches going over strategies with their fighters, something that had been sorely missing from previous seasons. I thoroughly enjoyed watching Bisping break down the opponent's strategy and come up with a game plan accordingly.

The balance was just right this week. When the drama got boring, the training began. When enough training had been shown, the fight began.

Ah, the fight. What more can be said?

Look high, kick low, oldest trick in the book.

Oh, and did you guys see Yamamoto Kid watching the fight alongside Dana? Omosheroi....

Dear Sexyama...

Martial Farts — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 13:12:32 -0000

Or should I call you Mister Hollywood?

Sounds like you have big plans for your UFC career. According to Zach Arnold's translation:

Akiyama was in attendance at the UFC 97 Montreal even and revealed two nicknames he will be using - "Mister Hollywood" and "Sexyama," because that’s how he rolls.

Ah, Sexyama. You seem to be confused.

America is "Hollywood" to you.

America is "Hamburger and French Fries."

America is "American Dream."

America is "Cadillac Sexy Love" to you.

America is "Alan Belcher punching your friggin' manicured teeth out."

Don't get me wrong; I can dig a bit of hamming it up. I love ham. Ham sandwiches, parma ham, hamburgers, hammertime... But there's one thing you have to do if you want to achieve Amelican Dleam in UFC.

You have to actually be able to fight.

The Japanese may love a valiant loser. In fact, they may love one more than they love a winner.

America doesn't. America is the land of the brave, the free, and the people who kick other people in the frikkin' neck HARD.

Akiyama says that he aims to achieve the American Dream and end up as big of a star as Hulk Hogan, therefore he has chosen the “Mister Hollywood” ring name.

How to achieve the American Dream in the UFC.

Step 1: Choose tongue-in-cheek ring name.
Step 2: Success! Roll around in your swimming pool full of money and pork hot babes!

Wait, wait. There must be something missing. Oh! That's it. Step 1a: Train harder than you've ever trained in your life and beat 90% of the world class athletes that are going to be put in front of you. Then you might be considered a star.

Fans of the UFC just love the Japanese (or Korean Japanese, but who cares, really?) and their kooky ring entrances, their impressive heart, their ability to carry better fighters into the later rounds and provide a nice soft face for their opponent's fist to crush repeatedly.

Yeah, they love those guys. For about five minutes. And then you're forgotten about.

So Sexyama, do us all a favour. Come out to the ring in your judo gi to opera music. Ham it up for the cameras. Wear outragoues clothing to press conferences.

But please, for the love of Hulk Hogan, win some fights first!

Reality TV + MMA = Grrrreat!

Martial Farts — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 02:50:20 -0000

Bully Beatdown.

The Ultimate Fighter.

Iron Ring.

Fighting Hurts.

And a whole heap of other turd-burgers.

MMA and Reality TV is a match made in TV Executive Boardroom heaven!

With that in mind, I thought I'd come up with a few ideas for future reality TV shows with an MMA twist.

Double Espresso KO!
Starring Matt Serra. Matt Serra, alternate-reality UFC Champion, takes eight of the country's finest up and coming baristas and trains them in MMA. Each week they compete in a full-contact, no holds barred taste-off, where they must tell Matt Serra--simply by sniffing his jock-strap--where the beans of his coffee came from. If they fail to correctly guess, then strap-em-up and get ready for a pounding, 'cos the Terror is a-comin' -- and he hasn't had his morning espresso yet!
Country Bum-Chin
What happens when you take Matt Hughes, zillion-time UFC welterweight champion and certified country bumpkin, and Urijah Faber, former WEC champ and silver-spoon fed city boy, and put them in a cage together? A chicken cage that is! That's right, in this new reality TV show, Matt Hughes and Urijah Faber will be pushed to the limits as they try to run the Hughes Family Farm. Will Faber learn the ways of the country? Can Hughes keep the secret of Betty the Family Cow from Faber's prying eyes? And just how deep does that face-crevice go?
Day of the Dragon
Lyoto Machida. UFC Warrior. Karate Master. Black Belt in Tea Ceremony. This half-Brazilian, half-Japanese, all-warrior samurai gladiator has been stalking the UFC's light-heavyweight ranks. Now, get an inside insight into the explosive life of a UFC fighter. Can you handle the excitement? Episodes include: Lyoto Visits a Herbal Medicine Shop. BAM! Lyoto and the Old Tai Chi Master. SHAZAP! Lyoto Meditates for 9 hours Straight! CRUNCH! Karate Patterns done Really Slowly KAPOWZA! Epic Stretching ZOORP! Lyoto Visits the Bicycle Repair Shop! CHINGLE! Warning: watching this show may induce a hernia--of awesomeness!
Beat the Best
Anderson Silva - greatest fighter of all time. But what isn't he good at? In this ground-breaking new series, UFC Middleweight Champion Anderson Silva is pitted against experts in their respective fields... Silva can throw a punch, but is he any good at darts? Anderson Silva's kicks are legendary... but can he kick a piece of clay into the shape of a teapot? Find out in the Pottery Challenge! How about water-skiing? Croquet? Open-heart surgery? Test the champ in an all-new series that will have you asking yourself "Just how awesome can one man (and TV show) be?!"
Life Sentence
You've seen UFC stars such as Tito Ortiz and Kevin Randleman utter sentences that seem to go on forever. Well now, you get to find out who really can ramble the most! With your tongue-twisting host Mauro Ranallo, special guests will challenge our resident champions Ortiz and Randleman to see who can construct the most incoherent and long-winded response to a simple question. Ever wanted to see how a sentence can start with "Well, I trained in Big Bear for this fight..." and end with "That way, all the air is sucked out of the bat's gizzards, giving you the smoothest tube of pure gelatin." Wonder no longer, friends. Find out: who has the longest Life Sentence!

Well, I'm out of ideas. Have you got any?

Bully Beatdown / Twilight Zone

Martial Farts — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 01:11:24 -0000

Is it real?

Is it fake?

Did Mayhem pay for that Hummer?

Define real and fake for me anyway, especially when it comes to TV nowadays.

Bully Beatdown comes from that strange alternative reality where up is down and punch is kick and trout is sausage.

There are two ways to watch Bully Beatdown.

Technique A:
Step 1: Switch off brain.
Step 2: Enjoy.

Technique B:
Step 1: Leave brain functioning.*
Step 2: Enter Twilight Zone.

*Must have functioning brain in the first place

I have tried both, and I must admit, Technique A is more fun, although sometimes I forget to switch my brain back on and I sit staring at the computer screen with drool hanging off my lip and flies buzzing around my teeth.

The entire show, from beginning to end, is a farce. It's not necessarily fake, but it is heavily crafted reality. The Twilight Zone. A place where nothing is as it seems. Where surprise visits occur in houses that coincidentally contain full camera crews! Where voices are sometimes dubbed on weeks later in a studio! Where all the bullies do the presto-chango deathbed repentence scene after getting smashed by the valiant MMA fighter!

It has that feeling of styrofoam reality that is ever-present on TV. I "studied" film and television at university (I'm doing air quotes because "studying" means "drank and smoked too much, slept through most lectures"), and the one thing I learnt from it was that I can no longer truly enjoy a TV show or a movie without analysing the shit out of it.

I notice every time you see the crowd that seem to be reacting at something other than what is happening. Notice the single, canned audience audio track. Notice the strange levelling on some people's voices, as if they were dubbed in later.

I can't help but notice these so-called surprise visits go so smoothly. Perhaps the camera crew sneaked into the house beforehand and set everything up perfectly? And what an incredible stroke of luck that it takes about ten seconds of air time for the bullies to agree to being pummeled by a professional fighter!

Next scene: The fight!

What you don't see: The masses of paperwork, the lawyers getting together and agreeing on minutiae, the bully knowing exactly what he is getting himself in for, the producers telling the fighter to, you know, rough the guy up, but don't hurt him too bad.

I know, I know. This is the nature of reality TV. Cut out the reality, keep the TV. But still.

On the positive side, Mayhem is tailor-made for television. Another positive thing about the show is... um... that... it's only 20 minutes long.

I guess the best way to watch the show is Technique A.

Brain... OFF!

Hur hur. Mayhem funny.

*drools

The Ultimate Fighter, innit.

Martial Farts — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 06:38:49 -0000

via img15.imageshack.us

Oh, is it that time of year again?

Here in Japan, the cherry blossoms are falling gently from the trees. Meanwhile, across the Atlantic, people from different countries are trying to pound each other into unconsciousness while someone films them taking a dump. Ah yes, the new season of the Ultimate Fighter.

Wait, that doesn't work, as filming wrapped up ages ago. Damn. Anyway.

The theme for this season: Country vs. country, which is, in my book, a pretty good idea. I kind of stopped being interested after Season 1, which was the best in my opinion, but the inclusion of a couple of loud mouthed, big hearted, Princess Bride-quoting Englishmen definitely piqued my interested in Season 3.

Quite often I found myself perched on my chair in front of the computer screen, heart pounding in my throat as I willed Bisping on to glory. To give him his dues, he rarely faltered, and one of the first true English MMA hereos was born.

Let's not forget Ross, the Samwise Gamgee to Bisping's Frodo, who, despite being about as skilled as a plank of wood, had a very funny accent and a big, possibly artificial heart.

And Junie "The Amazing Imbecile" Browning definitely had me watching the last season, if only to see just how far he could go before Dana finally had to let him go.

I digress.

Whether or not this season of the Ultimate Fighter really will be the (direct quote from Dana White) "superest most mega awesome, punch-tastic, much better than the last one, blow your mind out, rip off your shoes and shit on your toes, stamp-on-your-spine and crack your clavicle, bone-melting, eye-ball poppin', nose-bleedin', gay-offendin', beer-drinkin', furniture-crushin', turd-hidin', bestest most amazing season EVAR", I will definitely be watching.

First impressions:

England looks rubbish. For all the cutaways, the background shots, the best they could do was a few street signs and lamp posts. What the hell? Surely there is something more interesting to film up North?
Michael Bisping is beginning to get Large Head Syndrome, a sure sign that he is become a well-established MMA fighter.
Americans do not like the Liverpudlian accent. Come to think of it, I may not like it either. I think it might be the strongest link between modern speech and when we were cave-dwelling dinosaur-rats, though. Very gutteral.
Bisping yelling out to his fighter "DO NOT GO TO THE GROUND. DO NOT GO TO THE GROUND!" backs up Fightlinker's theory about Britain's "no-jitsu."
Dan Henderson and Rich Franklin said about three words in the whole show. They looked so bored I thought they'd slip off their chairs mid-snore and slam onto the cold, hard floor, wipe the drool off their mouths, pick themselves up, mumble something about coffee and trombones before falling back to sleep.
People from the North of England can get away with talking about fighting because of the accent. People from the South, with kind of neutral, poncey accents (like me) just sound silly. "Well I'm going to ground and pound him followed by a nice game of lawn bowling perhaps topped off with a submission and a cup of Lady Grey." Londoners I'm undecided on.
Alex Reid looks like Frank Shamrock.
Alex Reid sounds like an extra in a Guy Ritchie movie.
Alex Reid needs to fight more and say "woo" less.
Alex Reid will be the surprise mystery guy they bring back later when someone gets kicked off for burning the house down / punching a horse / fighting / throwing a cameraman in the pool / headbutting Dana White.
There was some talent on display, which was nice.
Some people will be killed instantly by the first American they come across. Severe suckitude.
Andre Winner is a winner!
Wondering how the British fighters will handle rattling round a house with free alcohol after a loss... recipe for disaster, methinks. Recipe for awesome alcohol-based violent entertainment, Dana White thinks!
The yanks looked terrible in the preview of episode 2.

Definitely pumped for this new series. Only one thing left to say...

Go Team UK!