SBNation.com User Blog: Matt Borcas

Woody, Ohio State's Corpse Flower, blooms again!

Matt Borcas — Thu, 16 May 2013 14:28:15 -0000

In case you haven't been paying close attention to the latest botanical happenings at OSU, Woody the Corpse Flower is blooming (again). Apparently, this is phenomenal news, at least according to renowned greenhouse coordinator Joan Leonard. She explained what this herbal death machine is all about in horrifying detail to NBC4:

"Well, it smells like a corpse."
"It smells like a days-old dead animal..."
"...WITH MAYBE SOME SAUERKRAUT AND SOME DEAD FISH THROWN IN."

Splendid. Leaving aside the question of whether Woody smells more like a rotting corpse or a slaughtered animal garnished with German cuisine (can't be both, right?), we find some logical inconsistencies in Ms. Leonard's description. Namely: that a plant can reek of a dead body/animal without actually containing one.

Just look at OSU's Woody the Corpse Flower livestream, where you can watch hardy souls savor the beast's putrid aroma (Woody will only bloom three or four times in his 40-year life; this is like witnessing Halley's Comet for disgusting-ass plant enthusiasts) and live out their grodiest Buffalo Bill fantasies. Takeaway no. 1: Woody is f---ing huge! Like, frequents-the-same-buffet-as-Charlie-Weis huge. Takeaway no. 2: Something must be lurkin' inside his massive belly/lair. Chemical weapons, a plague of locusts, Guy Fieri - ANYTHING could be in there. It stands to reason that, due to his name (WOODY THE CORPSE FLOWER), he's harboring a corpse. This isn't rocket science - it's biology.

But whose corpse? We've narrowed down the list of Woody's possible victims below; as always, reader discretion is advised.

BRAXTON MILLER'S BARBER. The man most responsible for the potential downfall of the 2013 Ohio State Buckeyes is not Devin Gardner, Nick Saban, The Ghost of Jim Bollman, or Braxton Miller's Shady Car Dealer. It's Braxton Miller's barber, as we've covered here before, a.k.a. the dude who advised him to bleach his hair blonde. This man is a monster, and deserves corporal punishment by corpse flower.

BRET BIELEMA. They have a history, Woody the Corpse Flower and Bret. It all started in 2010, when Wisconsin upset a not-particularly-good #1-ranked OSU team in Camp Randall. Though the public wasn't yet aware, Jim Tressel knew this would be his last season on the job - a highly-trained palm reader already told him this in a Pensacola, FL bar, where Tressel was unwinding from a day on the recruiting trail. After the loss, a despondent JT figured, What the hell? I won't be here next year; might as well unleash Woody on Bret. Unfortunately, as we all know thanks to legendary greenhouse coordinator Joan Leonard (shoutout to Joan and her brutally descriptive stylings!), Woody rarely blooms. Most of the time he just sits lifelessly in the corner, not smelling like a piece of shit. So JT had to wait, for what seemed like multiple eternities, until Woody was ready to release his nostril-obliterating fumes on Bielema. Bielema caught wind of the plan somehow, hence his move to Arkansas, but he severely underestimated the corpse flower's prodigious wingspan. Reaching Fayetteville was no problem for Woody, who comes equipped with six tons of devil's snare. The upside for Bielema is that he'll probably enjoy the overall experience if Woody does indeed smell like sauerkraut.

PURDUE PETE. Purdue Pete has been a pain in OSU's ass recently, performing disproportionately well against the Buckeyes for a team with Robert Marve on its roster. As such, it's conceivable that Gene Smith saw fit to rectify this issue through mascot destruction. Abducting Pete wouldn't have been a very difficult task; he works the graveyard shift at an Indiana train station where the only nighttime riders are runaways, intoxicated, or Rudy Ruetigger. Post-abduction, Woody likely began an extended, aggressive exorcism on Pete, which he may still be carrying out now.

MARK MAY. We're obligated to put him on the list, but this feels too obvious.

JOE PATERNO. On Tuesday, Outside the Lines host Bob Ley tweeted this tip he received from an outside-the-box thinker named Doug:

I'm used to strange mail, but this one is this year's leader in the clubhouse twitpic.com/cqhc6v
— Bob Ley (@BobLeyESPN) May 14, 2013

While most folks might scoff at Doug's theory, it's actually quite legitimate. The part Doug got wrong was about Paterno's location. JoePa is not, as "MANY [FELLOW TIN FOIL HAT WEARERS] ARE REALLY PONDERING," "IN THE HEART OF NITTANY LION COUNTRY." He is trapped inside Woody, complying with the NCAA's creative sanctions levied last July. Since Paterno died last January, this measure went largely unnoticed by the MSM, but the logistics of death are no match for Woody the Corpse Flower. He will get you, in this life or the next.

CHARLIE BAUMAN. Check that: Woody the Corpse Flower will get you, in this life and the next. God forgives, Woody doesn't.

Ohio State football: What has Braxton Miller been Instagramming?

Matt Borcas — Fri, 03 May 2013 18:56:38 -0000

Last fall, Ohio State's Wexner Center for the Arts hosted an Annie Leibovitz exhibition, displaying the renowned photographer's work for Vanity Fair and Rolling Stone from four plus decades of covering celebrities. Braxton Miller clearly took notice, because his Instagram account is now a finely curated shrine to classy, tasteful photography. (One gets the sense that his SnapChat game is on point.) There must be some deeper meaning to glean from these photos, right? That's what we hoped to find out. Without further ado, our newest semi-irregular feature: "What Has Braxton Miller Been Instagramming?", where we attempt to break down Braxton's latest offerings.

Instagram: braxtonmiller92

Conspiracy theory: This photo has nothing to do with the end of spring semester and the start of summer break. This is definitely not a tribute to Braxton's hometown, despite the misleading "Born & made ..." caption. This is, in fact, a big, bold middle finger directed at A.J. McCarron and Johnny Manziel for planning a vacation without him. Yes, according to their Twitter accounts, A.J. and Johnny are hitting the beach this month for some fun in the sun. Their decision not to invite Braxton will ultimately work to their detriment, however – while the SEC's leading Heisman hopefuls frolic in the sand, he'll be running stadium stairs at his alma mater, gaining on them every step of the way.

Instagram: braxtonmiller92

We didn't know Braxton was a Yankees fan! But which player is on the back of this jersey? Here are the five most likely suspects, determined arbitrarily and provided without explanation:

Travis Hafner
Ichiro Suzuki
Kevin Youkilis
Huroki Kuroda
Joba Chamberlain

Also, props to Braxton for including the totally gratuitous right-panel sneaker shot. At first glance, we were worried that his kicks would have to be left to the imagination – the horror! – but fortunately that was not the case.

Instagram: braxtonmiller92

Our most ominous shot of the day, and not just because of the gloomy filter. Braxton's caption was "One day," but what if he meant to say "One year"? As in, one more year until he declares early for the NFL Draft? Good thing we'll have Cardale Jones around forever due to his likely enrollment in a doctoral level science program.

Instagram: braxtonmiller92

Prediction: When we reflect on Braxton's college career, we'll all agree that the caption to this photo is when he truly endeared himself to Buckeye Nation. "What's wrong with this man?" is perfect, and pretty much all that needs to be said here.

Instagram: braxtonmiller92

So many questions: Does the lowercase "i" in "WiT" enhance the meme’s artistic value? (Of course it does, that's definitely what Annie Leibovitz would've done.) Did Kerry Coombs spend an entire afternoon online creating this meme? (He did, don't even try to argue otherwise.) If so, did Braxton Instagram it because he was genuinely moved or because he thought it was unintentionally funny? (I'm leaning towards the latter; I imagine Coombs is a frequent source of locker room humor.) Does Braxton's elite Instagram account make up for his abhorrent haircut? (No.)

Until next time, this has been "What Has Braxton Miller Been Instagramming?", a Land-Grant Holy Land production.

Definitive list of potential Michigan gameday giveaways

Matt Borcas — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 19:25:20 -0000

I've been to the Big House twice, and let me tell you: Michigan home games are kind of a bore. The crowd is maddeningly tame, the halftime shows are staid and uninteresting (especially compared to this), and the uniforms essentially force fans to smuggle a bottle of Advil into the stadium. So it's no surprise, then, that legendary donut-eater Brady Hoke recently decided to incentivize going to his team's noontime games with free glazed donuts. Great idea, and kudos to all involved. Attendance will surely skyrocket!

Still, we can't help but wonder what free giveaways would motivate Michigan students to get out of bed at such an early hour after a night of explicating Sylvia Plath's collected works more than glazed donuts. (The list is long, and starts at sprinkled donuts.) Rest assured, Michigan, that we aren't doing this to mock your ambivalence towards football, or your student body's... odd proclivities, but rather to help boost ticket sales. You are our friendly neighbors to the north, and we just want to see you succeed! Introduce any of the following complimentary gameday promotions, and your athletic department will immediately be on a path to prosperity.

1. Wolverine cubs

2. Lunchables

3. Brady Hoke replica sunglasses (mint condition)

4. Season one of The Killing on VHS

5. Staples (the metal fasteners, not individual office supply stores) for extra-bulky research papers (STAPLERS NOT INCLUDED)

6. Adderall (pastries alone will not be enough to keep fans from falling asleep at snoozing off during the Akron game)

7. $5 gift cards to Blockbuster Video (NOTE: these are valuable collectors' items nowadays, according to Wikipedia)

8. Coloring books

9. Nail files

10. Jorts

11. One-way Greyhound ticket to Gary, Indiana

12. Night on the town with Tate Forcier's dad

13. One-year subscription to Cat Fancy

14. Induction into Michigan Athletic Hall of Honor (presuming you can run 100m in <60 seconds)

15. Seals (NOTE: This is what a Michigan crowd sounds like)

16. Rosetta Stone (choose your own language!)

17. Toughness: Developing True Strength On and Off the Court by Jay Bilas

18. Hedge End by (Peter) MARK MAY

As always, please add your own ideas in the comments. And for the record, (Peter) MARK MAY's debut novel was a joy to behold.

1. Wolverine cubs

2. Lunchables

3. Brady Hoke replica sunglasses (mint condition)

4. Season one of The Killing on VHS

5. Staples (the metal fasteners, not individual office supply stores) for extra-bulky research papers (STAPLERS NOT INCLUDED)

6. Adderall (pastries alone will not be enough to keep fans from falling asleep at snoozing off during the Akron game)

7. $5 gift cards to Blockbuster Video (NOTE: these are valuable collectors' items nowadays, according to Wikipedia)

8. Coloring books

9. Nail files

10. Jorts

11. One-way Greyhound ticket to Gary, Indiana

12. Night on the town with Tate Forcier's dad

13. One-year subscription to Cat Fancy

14. Induction into Michigan Athletic Hall of Honor (presuming you can run 100m in <60 seconds)

15. Seals (NOTE: This is what a Michigan crowd sounds like)

16. Rosetta Stone (choose your own language!)

17. Toughness: Developing True Strength On and Off the Court by Jay Bilas

18. Hedge End by (Peter) MARK MAY

As always, please add your own ideas in the comments. And for the record, (Peter) MARK MAY's debut novel was a joy to behold.

TROLL TUESDAY: An elegy for Leaders and Legends

Matt Borcas — Tue, 23 Apr 2013 14:04:24 -0000

Rather than wait for more mainstream columnists (or us, somewhat inadvertently) to deliberately bait you into further blind Internet anger, following the lead of the mothership, we believe it's our civic duty to set the curve ourselves – and do so shamelessly. On Troll Tuesdays, we'll attempt to construct tomorrow's blatant attempt at pageviews today, building the worst inflammatory argument possible one single-spaced sentence at a time.

Back in 2010, the Big Ten had a problem. A serious one. One that would require a fearless, groundbreaking and intelligent leader. A knight in shining armor, if you will.

Jim Delany answered the call.

Conference realignment was threatening to permanently loosen the Big Ten's stranglehold on the NCAA landscape. If Texas and Oklahoma had jettisoned the Big XII for those PAC-12 hippies, national supremacy would be lost. Forever.

Jim Delany kept his poise.

He invited Nebraska (and Bo Pelini's impressive sweatshirt collection) to his conference. They were honored, and accepted immediately. Who wouldn't?

For Nebraska – and later, for Maryland and Rutgers – Delany was a veritable Statue of Liberty, glistening in the wind, a beacon of hope, symbolizing a better future.

When Texas and Oklahoma opted to stay in the Big XII, Delany did not grow complacent. Ever the innovator, he understood that the Big Ten still needed a rebranding. Something that would keep recruits from migrating to warm weather schools. Something cool.

Enter Leaders and Legends.

With 12 (going on 14) prestigious universities, divisions were the next great frontier. To other conferences, divisions were just logistical necessities; nothing more, nothing less. To Delany, they were an opportunity to advertise his conference's excellence, both modern and historical.

Eschewing the geographical tedium of East and West, Delany demarcated the Big Ten by capturing its grand essence.

Leaders and Legends. What we have always been and what we will always be.

The names were elegant, sophisticated, groovy, and above all sexy. They resonated from the plains of Iowa to the rolling hills of Pennsylvania, and everywhere in between.

Leaders and Legends. Both in the classroom and on the gridiron.

They recalled the shimmering Amos Alonzo Stagg, Woody and Bo, JoePa and Tressel. Men of extraordinary integrity and style.

Leaders and Legends. An ostentatious celebration of our principles, yet a humble reminder of our roots.

They proved that for all the impropriety elsewhere in college athletics – slithery SEC boosters, voluptuous hostesses, Lane Kiffin – a conference could stand for something other than the corporate dollar sign.

Leaders and Legends. Concepts that non-B1G types will never be able to grasp.

And the kids loved it! Do you think it's a coincidence that Ohio State and Michigan vaulted to the top of the recruiting rankings as soon as the names were implemented? Of course not.

"That has more to do with Urban Meyer and Brady Hoke replacing Luke Fickell and Rich Rodriguez," the plebeian will respond. Rubbish! If you don't think Vonn Bell was titillated by the mere thought of playing in the Leaders division, you're out-of-touch with the younger generation.

Russell Wilson transferred to Wisconsin to be a Leader. Taylor Martinez was a Legend in his own right. Bill O'Brien was both, displaying tremendous Leadership in replacing the Legendary Joe Pa. That's the Big Ten for you.

All of this makes Delany's decision to eradicate Leaders and Legends from the Big Ten lexicon extremely perplexing. One might think he's gotten a little too friendly with Pac-12 commish Larry Scott over the years. Scott, feeling outclassed by the Big Ten's superior division names, must've asked him to rid the world of Leaders and Legends, evening the division-naming playing field for lesser conferences. Why else would Delany forever tarnish his previously unimpeachable reputation?

A sad story, indeed.

Yet the names will live on, in our hearts, in our minds, and in our souls. The Big Ten will recover, as it always does, but we mustn't forget the division names that served us wondrously for the past two years. Heroes are remembered, but Leaders and Legends never die.

Urban Meyer to lead Ohio State Whac-A-Mole team in 2014

Matt Borcas — Fri, 12 Apr 2013 17:59:55 -0000

Urban Meyer signed two contracts in November 2011 – one legally-binding, the other blood-binding – that he’s since disregarded, as revealed in the Columbus Dispatch’s earth-shattering report published earlier this month. We, the investigative arm of Land-Grant Holy Land, take issue with how little attention the exposé has received both locally and nationally and intend to give it its due here. (Frankly, we were shocked that Charles Robinson didn’t squeeze out, bottle, and sell every drop of juice this story had to offer, but life is full of disappointments.) If you’re the type of Buckeye fan who’d prefer stories like this swept under the rug, or if strong takes about arcade games aren’t your cup of tea, please click elsewhere. Alternatively, if you’re capable of handling the demise of Ohio State football with class and limited tears, please watch the following video:

Comparable in tone to an ominous NPR bit on the extinction of a cute species, the video begins with Chris Fields manually crushing a futuristic-looking light board. Is Chris Fields generally violent towards light boards? Are the Buckeyes learning Morse code? No, this is supposedly a training device called Dynavision, designed to improve player reactions. All well and good, right? NOT SO FAST, MY FRIEND. Lori Schmidt, our intrepid narrator, notes that Dynavision likely strikes folks as "high-tech Whac-A-Mole," hinting at (but, unfortunately, not explicitly stating) Meyer’s evil plan. Fields proceeds to extol the virtues of the board, claiming it has been "beneficial on the field," an interesting assessment given that he hasn’t played a game since starting his Dynavision regimen. Is Fields in the tank for BIG BULB? Only time will tell. Doran Grant is surprisingly proficient at Dynavision, and brags about using the machine "after every practice." This can’t be good for his eyes. When he’s out for the season opener with early-onset glaucoma, blame Dynavision. (Side note: Per Schmidt, Grant is also taking up juggling, a hand-eye coordination exercise with far more sinister ramifications than even Dynavision. We are disheartened by this development and will cover it extensively at a later date.)

Anyway, on to the grand plan: University sources tell Land-Grant Holy Land that Meyer is gradually transforming the football program into a competitive Whac-A-Mole squad. The scheme will be finalized in the fall of 2014, relegating football to the Club level forever. We understand your skepticism, but OSU Whac-A-Mole is, inexorably, coming and at some point you’ll have to deal with it. You shouldn’t be that surprised, really – this is a vintage Meyer move, recalling his resignations from Florida in 2009 and 2010. After an undefeated first season at OSU, what left is there for him to accomplish on the gridiron? How much satisfaction can one draw from beating up on the Little Sisters of the B1G year after year? With two BCS titles in tow, his legacy is cemented in college football lore. On the other hand, as of this writing, he has no legacy in the wide and beautiful world of Whac-A-Mole, giving him all the more reason to pioneer an NCAA-sanctioned version of the game. Despite our qualms about Dynavision as a training tool, we embrace Meyer’s bold choice and implore his fellow coaches to do the same. (Brady Hoke, you can eat and coach at the same damn time in Whac-A-Mole!)

For folks out there still unsure how to react to this, fear not! Here’s a threesome of FAQs that have flooded our inbox since the Dynavision news broke. These should help cheer you up.

Should I, an out-of-shape, male Buckeye fan, support Meyer’s decision?

Yes, especially if you have any NCAA eligibility remaining. While that severe case of senioritis may have prevented you from receiving a degree, it will give you the opportunity to play collegiate Whac-A-Mole for Urban Meyer. Unlike football, Whac-A-Mole isn’t sizist. Athletes (we are using this term liberally) of all physical fitness levels are welcome to Whac if they possess the requisite skills. This is your chance to shine on a national stage!

Should I, a female Buckeye fan, support Meyer’s decision?

Yes, as Whac-A-Mole is decidedly co-ed. Athletes of all X chromosome levels are welcome to Whac if they possess the requisite skills. This is your chance to compete with Braxton Miller for a roster spot!

Does Dynavision remind you of any famous contraptions that were used for experiments involving rats?

Yes, it reminds me of the Skinner box, which "[contained] one or more levers which an animal can press, one or more stimulus lights, and one or more places in which reinforcers like food can be delivered." Hold on, scratch the Whac-A-Mole theory – maybe Meyer is just really into behaviorism.

Michigan week comes seven months early at Ohio State

Matt Borcas — Fri, 05 Apr 2013 17:50:35 -0000

It was a horrendous week for Ohio State students, and not because of threats posted on "fantasy game websites" or bizarre alcohol-consumption strategies gone viral. No, the week was gut-wrenchingly awful because of Michigan, the first university to manifest itself in a rival athlete’s hair.

Ohio State quarterback Braxton Miller's new hairstyle twitpic.com/cgq2hv
— Ben Axelrod (@BenAxelrod) April 3, 2013

No word yet on why Braxton Miller devastated his scalp with an onslaught of maize, although we presume it has something to with a lost bet and a snapping turtle. At any rate, aping Tyrann Mathieu’s style can only lead to bad things. Blondes may have more fun, but they don’t beat Michigan. In fact, Buckeye blondes commit a grievous sin of omission by failing to cover up their wicked roots with a fitted (worn backwards, duh) or switching to a scarlet/gray-based hair coloring product. Until then, blondes show tacit support for Michigan and aren’t welcome in Columbus. Yes, that goes for Heisman hopefuls too.

If that wasn’t bad enough (it was), folks around campus were subjected to a Lantern article describing an "awkward situation" Buckeye fans are facing this weekend with Michigan in the Final Four. Pardon us if we didn’t get the memo, but when did our B1G inferiority complex spill over into basketball? Can’t we go back to the days of yore when a Michigan loss at the hands of Appalachian State was a cause for illicit celebration from Akron to Zanesville?

Buckeye "fans" rooting for Michigan tomorrow under the pretense of "It’s best for the conference!" aren’t Buckeye fans at all. They’re enemies of the state, and, in aggregate, worse than blondes. (B1G-over-everything lunatics who incidentally happen to be blonde are too grotesque to discuss on a kid-friendly blog.) Who cares what Charles Barkley says at halftime about the state of Big Ten hoops? SPOILER ALERT: He’ll call it turrible. If that bothers you, take your conference pride somewhere else.

Ohio State quarterback Braxton Miller's new hairstyle twitpic.com/cgq2hv
— Ben Axelrod (@BenAxelrod) April 3, 2013

Poll

Are you rooting for Michigan this weekend?

No.

64 votes

Yes, I am a bad person.

25 votes

89 votes | Poll has closed

Aaron Craft's third round diary

Matt Borcas — Tue, 26 Mar 2013 21:41:12 -0000

I know it sounds silly, but a major – MAJOR! – factor behind my second half tragicomedy was the presence of sideline reporter Tracy Wolfson. I’ve grown accustomed to Samantha Ponder this season (haven’t we all?), and she is as vital to my gameday routine as stretching or threatening to flat-iron Amedeo’s hair when he randomly bursts out into song. Not trying to make excuses, just providing the explanation that Buckeye Nation deserves.

Explanation No. 2: If Brutus had given me a halftime shoulder massage, we would've won by 50.

First non-massage/Wolfson-related omen of a grim second half: Sam and I bet a Jimmy John’s sandwich on the outcome of this Amir free throw, and Sam won (Amir missed). However, I smell a conspiracy – perhaps Sam offered Amir half his sub to intentionally miss or something. Of course, that probably wasn’t necessary considering Amir’s ghastly success rate from the charity stripe.

Some have lambasted me for playing rock-paper-scissors during the second half of a close NCAA Tournament game, which is ridiculously unfair. On average, rock-paper-scissors lasts a mere 1.3 seconds, and I ALWAYS win on the first throw with paper, the thinking man’s choice. Would you rather have me messing with my Rubik’s cube?

Barkley wears Beats By Barbie on national TV, yet still has the nerve to come after me on CBS’s postgame show? Are we even sure he’s watched a single college basketball game this year? (Auburn games don’t count, as they finished last in the SEC and therefore play a primitive, pre-Naismith version of the sport.)

Fun fact: I absolutely hate when my parents clap after a missed foul shot, as well as the obligatory disingenuous hand-slapping with teammates. When did negative reinforcement become acceptable? Another thing I abhor: When bloggers write bogus posts lampooning my daily life and/or inner monologue. Take this pseudo-rific offering from College Spun’s Josh Selway, who makes light of the fact that I "properly dispos[ed] of [a fellow Ohio State student’s] [cigarette]." For the record, I wasn’t just delaying the inevitable corrosion of the kid’s lungs; I was preparing him for the tobacco-free policy President Gee plans to enact in August.

Bruno Mars over here wanted no part of me in the second half, but had to play up the whole "I’m really, REALLY trying to muster the strength to get back on the court, hence my need to sit on the floor and receive periodic deep-tissue massages from our mascot" vibe in order to save face with his teammates/the viewing public. Can’t blame him.

Simple advice I learned from OSU alum Bob Knight: If I don’t have anything nice to say, I don’t say anything at all. Mark May should try it sometime.

Bruno Mars finally raises the white flag after realizing the bench is infinitely more comfortable than the floor, no matter how soothing the mascot backrubs are. Au contraire says Tracy Wolfson, who claims the Iowa State "bench" has not ruled Bruno out yet; he’s been "talking to the coaches about how he’s feeling" and performing some ostensibly impressive "lateral exercises" that leave a glimmer of hope for his return. How exactly an inanimate object can decide Bruno’s fate remains unclear. I for one maintain that he will not play. (Lateral exercises? Shit’s not even strenuous!)

Q said he’d invite his cousin Rick to our postgame pizza party if I made both of these free throws, which I proceeded to drain. Accordingly, I’ve sent in a request to Webster’s for this picture to accompany the word "clutch" in all future dictionaries.

Almost pulled the "Don’t you know who I am?" card after being called for this charge. It’s worked at Zac Brown Band concerts before, FYI.

Having just missed an easy lay-in and two consecutive one-and-one opportunities, the thought of being labeled a goat began to creep into the back of my mind. Goat-dom, of course, would do irreparable harm to my brand and shatter the "winner" image I’d crafted (LOL!) in my time at OSU. Consequently, if we lost, I planned to go full-Tebow – each timeout was spent mentally writing the postgame speech that would eventually be immortalized in bronze. We call that a lose-win!

He categorically denied this on the bus ride back to Columbus, but I know Thad was straight fantasizing about Trey Burke in the scarlet and gray here. Shame on him!

I credit my game-winning three to this upward dog routine. It was easy and quick, yet made all the difference in the world. It’s the little things, people.

Re-watching this, I think Jim Nantz and the ISU bench were the only people/things in the world who couldn’t immediately grasp that this was a blatant charge.

Unsurprisingly, Deshaun remains furious that I didn’t defer to him here despite the positive outcome.

I on the other hand remain furious that walk-on Jake Lorbach had to be restrained from running laps around the court with .5 seconds left in the game. Fortunately my teammates could hold him back, or else I would’ve actually had to go through with that Tebow bullshit. I encourage you to tweet him your displeasure at his aptly-named account, @BlitzkriegBach. On to the next one!

Ohio State basketball: Field guide to Nebraska's Andre Almeida

Matt Borcas — Fri, 15 Mar 2013 18:37:40 -0000

Though the Buckeyes are in Chicago tonight to battle the Nebraska Cornhuskers, a team largely comprised of Midwestern-bred hoops fundamentalists, their biggest threat (both literally and figuratively) is an advantageously-shaped center from the urban kingdom of Sao Paulo, Brazil. His name is Andre Almeida, and his mission is to eat Evan Ravenel alive.

Scoff all you want at Almeida’s decidedly corpulent figure – in the meantime, he’ll be using every square inch of it to box Ravenel the f--- out. Here, have a look at this Zapruder footage from Almeida’s time in a Brazilian professional league last summer.

"Are student athletes even allowed to play professionally in the offseason?" is a frequent reaction I get after showing this video, to which I respond, "Do you think Mark Emmert would dare cross this man?"

Almeida’s status as a backup radically undersells his importance to Nebraska. Yes, he only averages about 15 minutes per game. No, that is not indicative of his ability whatsoever. Running up and down the court is strenuous for anyone, let alone a 6-foot-11, 314 lb. monster like Almeida. Nebraska coach Time Miles’s use of Almeida is tactical brilliance, as he must carefully balance the team’s need for Almeida with Almeida’s need for oxygen.

When Almeida enters the game, all bets are off. Despite the minute playing time, he’ll often lead the Cornhuskers in rebounds (and sometimes even in points!), shattering John Hollinger’s player efficiency rating. Don’t be shocked if the Memphis Grizzlies acquire the first overall pick in the 2013 NBA Draft and select him.

I’ve searched the Internet far and wide for an interview with Almeida to no avail. However, it’s only fitting that he’s a basketball recluse – refusing to speak to the media greatly amplifies his mythology. Pictures of him are even scarce. Think of him as a Loch Ness Monster-Sasquatch-J.D. Salinger hybrid.

The closest thing to a profile I could find is this brief "Player to Fear" feature from Cowboys Ride for Free, SBNation’s Oklahoma State blog. While I definitely agree that Almeida should be feared at all times, author CincyJoe misses the point by likening him to "A LARD ASS FROM [HIS] CHURCH LEAGUE." This is exactly what Almeida wants you to think. Take him too lightly and he’ll go off on you like a killer magpie.

(Also note that CincyJoe claimed Almeida was 6-foot-5. The post was published in February 2011, so at this rate, he’ll be 7-foot-4 in two years. SHUDDER.)

As a journalist, it is my unfortunate duty to ask the tough questions, namely: Is Almeida consuming banned substances? Although we do not know the size and scope of San Paulo’s PED culture, we do know that marsh deer inhabit Brazil, and that their antlers are commonly melted into a testosterone-boosting spray. Might this be the secret to Almeida’s success? Don’t bring it up to his face, or else you’ll end up like Amir Williams in Ohio State’s February 2 matchup with Nebraska.

Williams didn’t connect from the field once during that game, unsurprising considering Almeida’s robust 21 minutes of playing time. Similar to most non-Ohioans, Almeida hates the Buckeyes and can tap into a second reserve of energy when playing against them. Trying to contain him is fool’s errand, so how does a team stop him? Simple: Break into Nebraska’s locker room and swipe any semblance of caloric mass. Almeida will be exposed without a pregame meal, and the Buckeyes will easily advance to the next round of the B1G Tournament. Otherwise you’re looking at an early exit and major disrespect from the selection committee on Sunday.

The most powerful people in Buckeye Nation

Matt Borcas — Mon, 11 Mar 2013 19:55:08 -0000

"There is no good and evil... there is only power, and those too weak to understand it." - Quirinus Quirrell

"No one man should have all that power." - Yeezy

"Absolute power corrupts absolutely." - Every social studies teacher ever.

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Sports Illustrated released a list last week purporting to honor the 50 most powerful people in sports, a list inexplicably devoid of anyone with strong (or weak, for that matter) Ohio State ties and therefore inherently flawed. It's a shame thatSI botched a page view-generating opportunity to recognize the greatest off-the-field movers, shakers, and Worldwide Wes-wannabes, many of whom happen to be Buckeyes. Rather than wait for Bleacher Report to rectify this injustice, we took it upon ourselves to do so. Here is Land-Grant Holy Land's official list of the five most powerful Buckeyes; feel free to point out any glaring omissions in the comments!

1. Leslie Wexner - CEO, Limited Brands: With his name on the football complex, arts center, and medical center, Wexner is still the straw that stirs OSU's drink. This very site may one day be re-christened Les Wexner Holy Land if he ponies up enough cash. (Rumor has it that he's in talks to plaster the Greek translation to his name on every frat/sorority house east of High Street.) At 75, some question Wexner's sway over college students, forgetting that Victoria's Secret, which produces an annual soft-core fashion show that is of profound interest to undergrads nationwide, is part of the Limited Brands conglomerate. However, it should be noted that his resignation from the OSU Board of Trustees last June remains shrouded in mystery, and could portend a waning influence in Columbus. Wexner's held this list's top spot for three decades, but will have to fight to keep it in 2014.

2. Big Nut - Celebrity fan, Ohio State football: "I am an average fan with a big spirit," Nut told the Ottawa County Exponent last month, clearly selling himself short. Of course, we all know that the man who has "a couple of escorts with [him]" at games is the most powerful and legendary member of OSU's esteemed class of celebrity fans. As the face of Buckeye Nation, Nut represents the little guy in college athletics - you, me, and the 102,327 other screaming fans at the Horseshoe each Saturday - and is thus afforded immense power.

3. Javaune Adams-Gaston - Vice President for Student Life, Ohio State: On the fateful morning of Monday, November 19, 2012, Ms. Adams-Gaston sent a mass email to OSU students, informing them that "The Mirror Lake jump is not one of [Ohio State's wonderful traditions]. And I strongly encourage you not to participate." While many would disagree with Adams-Gaston's vilification of the Mirror Lake jump, students politely heeded her request and stayed out of the water. The video below serves as a lasting tribute to her power.

4. Constance Bumgarner Gee - Ex-wife of Gordon Gee: Bumgarner published Higher Education: Marijuana at the Mansion last September, which according to Amazon is a "a story of power, politics, and just plain bad manners at the uppermost echelons of university life," focusing on the Wall Street Journal's 2006 report that she used marijuana to remedy an inner-ear ailment at Braeburn, the mansion she lived in when then-husband Gordon Gee was Vanderbilt's "star chancellor." She's got to have incriminating photos of Gee smoking stashed away somewhere that she's leveraging for exorbitant sums of money, and for that reason alone she makes our list. For what it's worth, the book earned an aggregate 4-star user rating.

5. Ted Ginn, Sr. - Head Football Coach, Glenville High School: Once a Buckeye Power List stalwart, Ginn made this year's list solely on past performance and is in real danger of going unranked next year for the first time since 1999. He constructed the famed Glenville Pipeline that exploded in the early-to-mid 00's, sending Donte Whitner, Ted Ginn, Jr., and Troy Smith, among others, to Ohio State. Nonetheless, when four-star offensive tackle Aundrey Walker eschewed OSU for the probation-plagued pastures of USC in 2010, fans (celebrity and plebeian alike) began to speculate about the Pipeline's demise. Its future is directly tied to the success of Glenville alums and current Buckeyes Cardale Jones, Devan Bogard, and Christopher Worley.

Others receiving votes: Obie Stillwell, Kerry Coombs, @TheFakeLantern, Bigggggg Mike, Luke Zimmermann.

Which Ohio State athletes would make the best Quidditch players?

Matt Borcas — Tue, 19 Feb 2013 17:54:46 -0000

After another dreadful performance on the basketball court, a few Ohio State students have understandably turned their attention to the Quidditch pitch, where hope springs eternal. There are compelling reasons to believe that the Buckeyes will capture Ohio Cup III this season: Madam Hooch has the consensus No. 1 recruiting class inbound to Columbus, legendary booster Mundungus Fletcher recently donated seven brand spanking new Firebolts to the squad, and the starting lineup is laden with upperclassmen who led the team to a World Cup berth last year and admirably eschewed the temptation to go pro.

Despite the team’s brief history, Ohio State has developed into a Quidditch powerhouse. The Buckeyes consistently rank atop the Land-Grant Holy Land and Daily Prophet polls, and Quidditch GameDay has broadcasted live from Columbus several times, all of which ended in Lee Jordan donning Brutus headgear. Widely regarded as a beacon of integrity (especially compared to those Death Eaters in Ann Arbor), they are positive ambassadors of the university.

Unfortunately, Buckeye Quidditch has yet to garner mainstream interest. Ticket sales are down, and the rumor mill is churning out reports that Gene Smith may disband the team next year, when their lease of the luxury suite-less Fred Beekman Park expires. Of course, it doesn’t take a doctor to diagnose the main problem here – Ohio State’s most recognizable athletes are playing other sports. Until the Braxton Millers of the wizarding world gravitate towards Quidditch, revenue and TV ratings will remain low.

In the meantime, let’s imagine a utopia in which Quidditch is the most profitable and resonant game around. "Be Like Krum" posters flood dorms from North Campus to South Campus; hooky-players toss around a Quaffle on the Oval instead of a Frisbee; everyone follows Rita Skeeter on Twitter for breaking news and recruiting updates. Who then, among current Buckeye athletes, would comprise the roster?

A burning question, indeed! For the Quidditch-illiterate, please watch this explanatory video courtesy of the fine folks at Buckeye TV.

OK, now brace yourself for an onslaught of #HOT #QUIDDITCH #TAKES.

Seeker: Devin Smith

Smith’s elite ball skills will translate seamlessly to Quidditch. He has a knack for one-handed grabs, a vital quality for seekers wishing to remain on their broomsticks when going for the snitch. Also, according to team sources, Smith is a duplicitous, crafty individual, making him the perfect player to pull off the notorious Wronski feint.

Beaters: Evan Ravenel, Peter Kobelt

Ravenel plays like a basketball version of Rudy Ruetigger, which is to say that he always goes up a little too hard with the ball, often to his detriment. However, this trait will serve him well on the Quidditch pitch. E-Rav was designed for beater, a position that demands one to possess an unlimited supply of energy and hit Bludgers at unsuspecting members of the opposing team.

As for Kobelt, I bet you weren’t expecting me to select a Buckeye tennis player! That’s fine. When it comes to building a Quidditch team, yours truly is an equal opportunity employer. Based on the tennis film I pored over, Kobelt has tremendous upside, displaying all the potential of Fred Weasley circa 1993. There, I said it.

Chasers: DeShaun Thomas, Cardale Jones, Joe Bauserman

Being the only reliable scorer on the basketball team, DT is a no-brainer at chaser. Some call him the second coming of Alicia Spinnet, but I call him the first DeShaun Thomas. Still, I’d be remiss not to mention his colossal ego. While he has all the talent in the world, DT occasionally suffers from MFGBS (me-first glory boy syndrome) and therefore may fit better with the Chudley Cannons.

Due to Cardale’s well-documented beef with academia, I put him on the OSU Quidditch team out of the goodness of my heart. The minimum GPA to play is among the most stringent in college athletics; moreover, Madam Hooch’s unwritten rule requires players to pass their O.W.L.’s if they want to start. These standards will ensure a diploma for the man who "[didn’t] come here to play school."

Finally, I know Bauserman is no longer enrolled at Ohio State (he’s now pursuing a graduate degree in transfiguration at Hogwarts), but he is such a prototypical chaser that I sometimes think John Brenkus constructed him in the Sports Science lab. Unlike football, where overthrowing a receiver will land you on the bench, it is impossible to overthrow the Quaffle. Just consider Bauserman’s upside!

Keeper: Bradley Roby

Per Big Ten scouts and his girlfriend, Roby has elite hands, so if you think the Quaffle is getting by him, think again. Big Ten Network analyst Marcus Flint has grudgingly called Roby "the next Oliver Wood"; meanwhile, Roby says he’ll only join the team if Kerry Coombs joins Hooch’s staff in some capacity. That shouldn’t be an issue – Hooch loves juice.

Ohio State football: Three Buckeye fairy tales for your reading pleasure

Matt Borcas — Fri, 15 Feb 2013 19:01:45 -0000

Who doesn’t love a good fairy tale? From Rumplestiltskin to Rapunzel and beyond, they bring a smile to our faces and teach valuable lessons of perseverance, morality, and kindness. That’s why I was so thrilled see Urban Meyer tell a group of Ohio high school football coaches the most under-remembered fairy tale in Buckeye history – the time when Woody Hayes let a snapping turtle bite his penis in order to demonstrate toughness.

While Meyer deserves kudos for sharing one epic with the general public, countless other OSU-centric fairy tales go unnoticed. I will try to rectify this unmitigated travesty by recounting three below. If you’d like to research the origins of these fables in greater detail, most are adapted from Mother Goose, Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm, Aesop. Happy reading!

Jim Tressel gets Tatted Up

"C’mon, it won’t hurt that much," urged Terrelle Pryor. "We all do it – except for Jonathan Thoma."

Jim Tressel had his doubts. He was from a different era, a time when a permanent etching of barbed wire into one’s bicep wouldn’t sit well with mom. Still, he found the prospect of getting tatted up alluring.

"This would certainly earn respect in the locker room," he noted. "And my epidermis sure could use a shot of color."

All this talk made Pryor giddy. He had bonded with his coach before, but never like this. I bet Denard and RichRod never go to the parlor together, he thought.

"How much does it cost?" queried Jim.

"One pair of gold pants," replied the memorabilia-hoarding man behind the counter.

That’s all Tressel needed to hear. "Bring out the ink," he demanded.

A Buffet for Brady

Vince Vincenzo, executive chef at the five-star Bistro 2110, was in deep trouble. The Michigan football team was heading to Columbus tomorrow, and eating at his restaurant.

"Normally, I wouldn’t have a problem serving those maize and blue scumbags," confided Vincenzo to a lowly subordinate named Reginald. "But that coach will bankrupt my operation!"

"Now-now," comforted Reginald. "I’m sure the meal will go just swimmingly!"

But Vincenzo knew better. He had heard the stories, from chefs across Big Ten country, about Michigan’s new head coach, Brady Hoke. He was said to consume three whole courses – in the dinner’s first half-hour.

From spending his time around Ohio State, however, Vincenzo also knew about integrity. About trust. About love for thy neighbor. What the right thing to do was.

A rejuvenated Vincenzo fired up the grill. "I’m making wolverine meat," he exclaimed.

Brady and Urban

Brady and Urban went down to SEC country

To fetch a five-star recruit;

Brady fell down and broke his crown,

And Urban got a solid verbal commitment.

How can Michigan commit Reon Dawson reconcile his love for Ohio State?

Matt Borcas — Mon, 11 Feb 2013 21:27:59 -0000

Perhaps you’ve heard that Michigan recruit Reon Dawson is facing a major dilemma. Dawson, a Trotwood, Ohio native, was raised on Craig Krenzel spirals, Jim Tressel sweater vests, George Dohrmann raffle investigations, and all things Buckeye football. Alas, Ohio State never offered the three-star cornerback a scholarship. He verbally committed to Illinois, and then flipped to Michigan on January 14. Last Wednesday, he signed with the Wolverines, which is all well and good with us. We can’t begrudge a young man for attending Michigan if Ohio State willfully shunned him, unless his name is Trey Burke.

However, the situation got a little dicey when Dawson informed the Dayton Daily News that he plans to remain a Buckeye fan "until [death]". (Dawson also reportedly proclaimed, "I love Ohio State," which was later repudiated by fellow Trotwood-Madison teammate and fellow Michigan signee Mike McCray on Twitter, who contended that Dawson had actually professed his love "for the state of Ohio." Who to believe?!?) Naturally, this ruffled some feathers in the state up north. "Looks like Hoke has some work to do with this kid," MGoBlog message board poster "lazyfoot10" ominously commented. Not to worry – Land-Grant Holy Land is here to help!

We understand your skepticism. Normally, guidance-counseling is not a service we provide for Brady Hoke’s players. They have Dear Abby and Mark May on speed dial for that. But Wayne Woodrow Hayes once said that drastic times call for drastic measures, so allow us to present some free advice to Mr. Dawson.

Of course, there are a number of approaches Dawson could take to deal with the matter. What follows is an unbiased, comprehensive breakdown of all of them.

1. Dawson could renege on his commitment to Michigan, transfer to Ohio State, and walk-on to the football program. This would be a commendable display of loyalty, etching Dawson’s name into Buckeye lore alongside Justin "Family Values" Boren. On the other hand, there are 10,392 reasons (per year!) why such an approach would be economically imprudent.

2. Dawson could shelve his Buckeye fandom while enrolled at Michigan and reclaim it upon graduation. Slightly more sensible than Approach 1, but the Buckeyes are poised to make multiple national championship runs in the next four years. How often does a fan of any team get to say that? Would Dawson really want to leave four potential national titles on the table? Of course not.

3. Dawson could shamelessly maintain his Buckeye fandom while at Michigan. We at Land-Grant Holy Land feel a duty to caution Dawson about Approach 3. The public backlash towards him would be impossible to overcome if he was spotted singing along to "Hang on Sloopy" during an Ohio State-Michigan game. In all likelihood, he’d end up exiled to a shack in the Upper Peninsula, never to be seen or heard from again.

4. Dawson could preserve a connection to Ohio State by dating a Buckeye co-ed. Approach 4 is decidedly an ELITE approach. For starters, Pythagoras famously found that OSU’s selection of eligible bachelorettes > Michigan’s, in regards to attractiveness, intellectual capacity, and ability to defend a spread offense. Second, this brings to mind Miss Alabama Katherine Webb, the former Auburn undergrad who spurned her alma mater to date A.J. McCarron. If Dawson is anything like Webb, one can reasonably conclude that Brent Musberger will eventually spend an entire broadcast gushing about his physical tools, which is sure to do wonders for Dawson’s NFL Draft stock.

5. Dawson could volunteer to be featured in the Ohio State athletic department’s "Buckeye for Life" commercial. Assuming Dawson is a registered organ donor, he is in position to advertise his OSU fandom (and his decision to posthumously give away his heart, appendix, esophagus, intestines, et al.) on the Horseshoe’s recently-renovated scoreboard. It’s one thing when individuals on the university’s payroll like Urban Meyer and Gordon Gee state that they’re "Buckeyes for Life", but it’s a whole ‘nother monster when a so-called Michigan Man is vouching for Ohio State’s greatness. Dawson’s role in the ad would have to be kept under wraps until November 29, 2014, when Michigan plays at Ohio State, and debuted at a crucial point in the game. Dawson would subsequently turn heel on the Wolverines, switch to a scarlet and gray uniform, and capture a pick-6 that clinches the win for the Bucks. How could Michigan football ever recover from that?

RECOMMENDED PLAN OF ACTION: A combination of Approaches 4 and 5.

Ohio State recruiting: Urban Meyer's secret weapon

Matt Borcas — Fri, 08 Feb 2013 18:39:02 -0000

Ed. note – While Urban Meyer & Ohio State just reeled in a world class recruiting class, Land-Grant Holy Land is in the process of doing just the same. Meet our Vonn Bell, Matt Borcas. Matt lives in Columbus and also contributes at Grantland. You can follow him on Twitter (appropriately enough) at @mattborcas.

Across the country, official visits were made, cash was exchanged, hostesses twerked, and, for the most part, the fax machines worked. Accordingly, National Signing Day was a cause for celebration in Columbus, where the general consensus seems to be: Urban Meyer is one helluva recruiter. I do not dispute this. Doing so would show a reckless disregard for the facts and devastate Land-Grant Holy Land’s journalistic reputation. However, I would like to shed light on an under-appreciated member of Ohio State’s recruiting task force: Kerry Coombs.

Per his twitter account, @OsuCoachCoombs, Coombs is an "OHIO STATE ASSISTANT FOOTBALL COACH". Sadly, this bio sells his role with the Buckeyes very short. Too short. In reality, when it comes to recruiting, Coombs is more valuable than Meyer. He is Don Draper with a t-shirt and whistle, a dynamo who descended upon this planet solely to persuade adolescents to attend THE Ohio State University. While this may sound blasphemous to Meyer’s myriad zealots, the bulk of evidence is overwhelming.

The legend of Kerry Coombs began at Cincinnati’s Colerain High School, where he was head coach from 1991-2006. "Why," you’re probably wondering, "would someone born to recruit at Ohio State toil in the high school ranks for so long?" To ask this question is to overlook (and, I might add, disrespect) the elaborate plan that ultimately led to this year’s stellar class. Coombs used Colerain to 1) build connections in the fertile recruiting grounds of Southwest Ohio and 2) ascertain what it is, exactly, that makes teenagers tick. Over the course of 16 years, he crafted the ideal message for a college coach to send to a prospective player and subsequently moved on to the University of Cincinnati. Operating under the guise of "defensive backs coach", Coombs spent five seasons at Cincy honing his recruiting techniques and padding his résumé until Meyer came a-calling in 2012. The rest, as you know, is history.

If you’re reticent to label Coombs a better recruiter than Meyer, at least consider him the Lewis to Meyer’s Clark. This is a suitable analogy, as a quick glance at Coombs’s timeline tells us that he approaches recruiting with the mindset of an explorer.

Just touched down in Newark. Preparing to plant the flag in Jersey tomorrow! #noendtotheBuckeyenation #GoBucks
— Kerry Coombs (@OsuCoachCoombs) February 1, 2013

Consider flag cemented in TSUN. Grand Rapids,Detroit vying for name change to North Columbus.Unbelievable reception from both towns!#GoBucks
— Kerry Coombs (@OsuCoachCoombs) January 31, 2013

Congrats to coach Matta and the entire BB program on a great victory today. The schott was rocking! #movingthebordernorth #canadasnext
— Kerry Coombs (@OsuCoachCoombs) January 14, 2013

Planted the flag in sand all day up and down the beaches of the east coast of Florida! #sunshineiswonderful #stillnoplacelikehome #gobucks
— Kerry Coombs (@OsuCoachCoombs) January 16, 2013

PSA for talented high school football players in the Western Hemisphere: Sooner or later, Kerry Coombs will be in your living room.

Like all great explorers – Neil Armstrong, Christopher Columbus, Dora, etc. – Coombs is never satisfied. Rather, he’s constantly expanding Ohio State’s reach, working tirelessly to unearth new resources (i.e., five star prospects). In fact, he doesn’t care what residents of Newark or Grand Rapids or South Beach think of an Ohio State flag planted in their backyard. Kerry Coombs will commemorate the site of each new commitment however he pleases, thank you very much.

Is it any surprise that, following Chip Kelly’s departure to the Philadelphia Eagles, Coombs scampered across the Oregon Trail and landed running back Dontre Wilson? Given Coombs’s unparalleled navigation skills, Wilson’s flip should’ve been viewed as a foregone conclusion. Moreover, Coombs is so confident in his ability to recruit that, from time to time, he’s daring enough to poke the ~~bear~~ elephant himself, Nick Saban. Consider this (sub)tweet:

You know that Christmas when you got exactly everything you wanted plus a few extra special bonuses? That's what today was! #bestclassever
— Kerry Coombs (@OsuCoachCoombs) February 6, 2013

#Bestclassever, of course, suggests that Ohio State’s haul is superior to Alabama’s. Such shameless hashtaggery has its risks – one would think that this tweet drew the ire of Harvey Updyke – but recruiting is chockfull of risks. What’s one more? And who wouldn’t brag about a lucrative Signing Day? The Christmas metaphor is on point – Vonn Bell is essentially Coombs’s (and Buckeye Nation’s) Red Ryder BB Gun. Let the man live!

Finally, I’ll leave you with this much-circulated video of Coombs’s pitch to running back Ezekiel Elliott, recorded by Elliott’s father. That noise you hear? Brady Hoke, Ed Orgeron, Hugh Freeze, and Saban shaking in their boots.