SBNation.com User Blog: MattDNole

FSU's Search For An Opponent: Scheduling To Maximize Under The BCS System

MattDNole — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 13:11:25 -0000

West Virginia's cancellation of its 2012 game at Florida State has left a gaping hole in the Seminoles' upcoming schedule. On short notice, FSU's Athletic Director Randy Spetman has apparently reached out to Oklahoma, USC, the 1972 Miami Dolphins, and the cast of The Longest Yard remake to fill this void and has been turned down by just about everybody. Has the difficulty in finding a top tier opponent become a blessing in disguise for Seminoles fans? In a way, probably so. If the Athletic Department is serious about playing an Oklahoma or Boise State, they might have been saved from a huge scheduling mistake. Now I don't really need to explain to Tomahawk Nation readers why scheduling a top level BCS opponent would be a ridiculous idea, but a quick scan of other Nole-related websites in the two weeks since the cancellation shows that a lot of Nole fans have unrealistic expectations when it comes to scheduling. Since everyone loves a good dead horse beating, I figured we'd take a look at how FSU should play this situation going forward.

Let's play a quick game of College Football trivia, shall we? What do the following three things have in common?

"We'll play anyone, anytime, anywhere."

"He's not just a successful coach, he's the King of the Road."

"Clemson just won a major bowl!!"

If you answered "They haven't been said since the 80s" then you are absolutely correct.

There was a time in Florida State's history when it made sense to play marquee opponents on a week to week basis. Florida State was a younger program without a record of success and needed to prove itself on a national stage to gain credibility and respect. Keep in mind that these were also the days before FSU had joined the ACC. The Seminoles simply had to schedule nationally recognized opponents because they didn't have a conference schedule to fall back on. But in 2012, Florida State really doesn't have anything more to prove as a program. High preseason rankings in the past decade despite poor on-field performance is just one indicator of the level of respect the Noles have among the media and coaches (and since they're the ones voting for national championships, they're the ones that matter).

For those of you who read the Tomahawk Nation preseason magazine, you'll remember my discussion of why strength of schedule isn't that important in the current BCS landscape (you can find it somewhere I'm sure, maybe we'll post the full article here sometime in the future). Strength of schedule is only a minor component of the computer rankings in the BCS formula and historically has not had a strong correlation with the teams ranked at the top of the polls. Human voters, and to some extent even the computer rankings, value overall record much more than quality of opponent. In the current climate, it is better to beat bad teams than it is to lose to good ones. Until the system is changed, i.e. the computer polls are adjusted and given more weight compared to the fickle human voters, there is little incentive to over-schedule yourself as a team.

Take the 2011 LSU Tigers for example. It took an incredible amount of talent, skill, and LUCK to get through the regular season unscathed. LSU beat three teams who won BCS bowls in addition to a typically difficult conference schedule. After all was said and done, what did the Tigers have to show for it? Nothing. What LSU did last season was highly inadvisable and, in the end, didn't actually benefit them at all. They don't give out trophies for tough schedules.

Strength of schedule simply has not been the deciding factor in the majority of seasons since the current rules were adopted.

Year	Team	Rank	Wins	Losses	SOS Average	2nd Place SOS Average

2006	Michigan	3	11	1	16	15
2007	Va Tech	3	11	2	39	40
2007	Oklahoma	4	11	2	46	40
2008	Texas	3	11	1	6	20
2009	Cincy	3	12	0	46	47
2011	Oklahoma State	3	11	1	4	16

Under the current format, four of the six BCS-conference teams that finished outside the national championship game with the same number, or fewer, losses as the second place team have had better strength of schedule averages than the second place team (using an average of the BCS computers' strength of schedule rankings). Notice that even last season, Oklahoma State had a more difficult schedule (according to the rankings that matter) than Alabama, yet it was still left out of the title game. Something other than schedule strength kept these teams from the title (some might suggest SEC bias, the effectiveness of groveling head coaches, etc). Teams simply do not need to play ridiculously difficult schedules in order to make it to major bowl games.

After the jump, we'll take a look at how this applies to Florida State and the vacancy in the upcoming schedule.

Maximizing the success of the FSU football program means two things: generating revenue and fielding successful teams.

Smart scheduling increases the likelihood of meeting each of these goals. Smart scheduling is identified by reducing the number of true road games, reducing the potential for significant injuries that affect the overall quality of the team, and limiting the number of losable games as much as possible. Occasional major non-conference matchups can additionally generate national interest and be helpful for the brand, as long as they are scheduled judiciously.

Florida State should look to schedule a team that will not significantly threaten its chances of meeting its goals for the 2012 season. Why run a 110 meter hurdle race when everyone else is running a sprint? Florida State already plays two non-conference BCS opponents in the 2012 season. Adding a third challenging opponent from a BCS conference significantly harms the team's chances of winning the ACC and making a BCS bowl, probably the foremost goal of the program in any season. There's a real chance the Noles could make a run next season, wouldn't the average fan rather see his/her team play another BCS team in Miami in January 2013 than play them in September in Tallahassee? It's obviously not an either/or situation, but would you willfully reduce your chances of seeing your team play in the Orange Bowl or championship game?

The most important thing for FSU to do is to ensure that whatever opponent it schedules in 2012 will not demand a home game in 2013. FSU is already scheduled for five road games in 2013, including trips to Clemson, Atlanta, and Gainesville. Another road game would mean only six home games this season which would sacrifice a ton of potential revenue, alienate local businesses, and reduce FSU's advantages in what looks to be a rebuilding season (FSU could lose half of its two-deep rotation). The potential vacancy in the 2013 season left by West Virginia must be filled by a team that will travel to Tallahassee, this is simply the way major college football is played in the current climate.

Here is a list of all of the Big 6 teams who played 2 BCS caliber (BCS conferences+Boise State+Notre Dame) opponents in their non-conference schedule in 2011: Georgia, LSU, Vanderbilt, Iowa State, Cincy, UCONN, Pitt, USF, Syracuse, West Virginia, Ohio State, Stanford, USC, Boston College, Clemson, Florida State, Georgia Tech, Maryland, Miami, UNC, and Wake Forest. That is 21 out of 66 BCS teams (67% of these teams come from the Big East and ACC... I think those conferences are well aware of their national reputation). How many of these teams played 3 BCS caliber opponents, like some are suggesting FSU should do in the 2012 season? Only Pitt, USC, Miami, and Wake Forest. Why should Florida State try to do something with its schedule that only 4 other teams did last season? FSU should play by the same rules as everybody else.

How many Big Six teams played only 6 true home games in 2011? Mississippi State, Iowa State, Oklahoma State, Cincinnati, Louisville, Northwestern, Arizona, California, Colorado, Oregon State, UCLA, Utah, Washington State, Boston College, and Virginia Tech. Florida State needs to be smart and play by the same rules as the rest of the country.

"Smart scheduling" when applied to Florida State would look something like the following approach:

Keep the rivalry with Florida- This one is obvious for so many reasons. Tradition, recruiting, and national prominence to name a few. FSU-UF is the premier non-conference rivalry in all of college football and will traditionally be enough to satisfy national pundits who want a team with a marquee non-conference victory. Additionally, the timing of the game confers an extra benefit on the winner.
In years that FSU plays the top Coastal division squads, schedule light- When FSU is matched with one of the ACC's Tech schools (or whoever rises to the top in the future), there really isn't much incentive to schedule additional difficult non-conference games. FSU will already play Miami and Florida, in addition to Clemson and at least one more quality Atlantic division rival every season. Playing the top teams from the other division will be more than enough to satisfy BCS pollsters as long as the team is winning. And don't forget a quality opponent in the BCS championship game.
Schedule no more than one additional BCS conference opponent- Middle of the road BCS schools can enhance the schedule when the conference slate is weak. However, FSU should never schedule top tier non-conference opponents if it is looking to maximize its chances at major bowls (these games serve a particular purpose, but they do not help reach the BCS). Home and home series with BCS caliber opponents should only be scheduled in seasons when FSU plays the weaker members of the Coastal division.
Judiciously schedule occasional big time non-conference games- There's no denying that these games can generate pre-season excitement and can energize a fanbase if you win. However, matchups like the recent home and home with Oklahoma should only be scheduled when FSU faces weak Coastal division opponents and non-conference cupcakes. These types of games will be less of a fixture when the ACC moves to a 9 game conference schedule.

These steps will maximize the possibilities of making BCS bowls both as ACC champions and as an at-large team. Virginia Tech used a much more extreme version of this approach, scheduling zero bowl teams from BCS conferences, and became the ACC's first at-large team in the history of the BCS.

FSU's Athletic Department knows this is the optimum strategy for playing in BCS games and making money. I fully believe that the current discussion in the media is simply to put Florida State in the best position for a future lawsuit against West Virginia. Regardless, if the current reports are true, Florida State might not have much of a choice but to schedule another cupcake. BCS schools are not going to agree to travel to Tallahassee with no reciprocation. Teams like Middle Tennessee State and UL-Lafayette are rumored to already have said no to the Noles' offers. Florida State might be backed into a corner with the 2012 schedule, but it might turn out to be the best possible position for the program. With improved OL play, development from EJ Manuel and a little injury luck, 2012 could be a very special year for the Seminoles. Spetman and Bonasorte simply must put the team in a position to excel in the upcoming year.

Starting in either 2013 or 2014 the ACC will begin playing nine conference games. There is simply no advantage in playing nine ACC teams, Florida, AND another difficult non-conference game. Additionally, when the conference schedule adjustments are made, Florida State administrators must use whatever influence they have to ensure that the seasons FSU plays five conference road games are when UF travels to Tallahassee. Having seven home games each season is simply a must for this program. Hopefully the Athletic Department recognizes these facts when scheduling in the future.

*The views expressed in the following column may not necessarily reflect the entirety of the Tomahawk Nation staff, but they should (jk... maybe).

Offbeat Friday's Contribution to Your NSD Experience

MattDNole — Tue, 01 Feb 2011 23:08:57 -0000

Offbeat Friday's Contribution to Your NSD Experience

Recruiting is 20 times more fun if you click this button after reading every new update about some player who's "wavering".

Enjoy!!

Our long (Tomahawk)National nightmare is over! The exile of your humble Offbeat Friday staff has...

MattDNole — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 14:08:25 -0000

Our long (Tomahawk)National nightmare is over! The exile of your humble Offbeat Friday staff has finally reached its end. For those of you who hadn't heard, Bud banished us for 4 months and forced us to write a romantic comedy about two college football bloggers who fall in love despite the disapproval of their bosses at ESPN and SBNation. It was pure crap. Needless to say, we're a little gun-shy about trying to come up with anything funny these days.

So we've got to start small. And why should we even bother writing new humorous stuff when our friends down south are doing such a good job on their own? Next time you find yourself reading a tweet or a Rivals report regarding the Miami coaching search, just play this video in the background. It will make the experience 100% more enjoyable.

PS- This also works for highlights of UF's offense.

How much did bunting Mike McGee against TCU cost us? I put FSU's stats into the spreadsheet found...

MattDNole — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 14:29:52 -0000

How much did bunting Mike McGee against TCU cost us?

I put FSU's stats into the spreadsheet found at the link below, and assumed Tyler Holt and Sherman Johnson both had a better than average probability of taking an extra base on the different types of hits (with Holt's % being higher than Sherman's).

Run Expectancy Matrix
The average number of runs, from this base/out state, to the end of the inning.

Bases 0 outs 1 out 2 outs
xxx 0.863 0.461 0.170
1xx 1.392 0.816 0.337
x2x 1.514 0.936 0.442
xx3 1.721 1.146 0.473
12x 2.106 1.344 0.629
1x3 2.262 1.516 0.653
x23 2.384 1.636 0.757
123 3.016 2.113 1.034

So the number of runs we could expect to score in that situation dropped from 2.106 to 1.636, about .5 of a run. Not enough to say that this decision "cost us the game," but still a willful probabilistic risk. It definitely negatively impacted our win expectation.

Run Frequency Matrix
The chance of at least one run scoring, from this base/out state, at some point during the inning.
-- If there is a runner on base, it's the chance that the lead runner will eventually score in the inning.
-- If there is no runner on base, it's the chance that someone will reach base and score, at some point during the inning.

Bases 0 outs 1 out 2 outs
xxx 0.378 0.234 0.101
1xx 0.530 0.355 0.168
x2x 0.652 0.475 0.272
xx3 0.858 0.684 0.303
12x 0.713 0.528 0.292
1x3 0.870 0.700 0.316
x23 0.870 0.700 0.316
123 0.910 0.769 0.405

Not only that, but the probability of scoring anything at all dropped by about a percentage point.

Martin's bunts aren't necessarily catastrophic. Over the course of the season they may only cost us a few runs and maybe only a game or two. I'll even admit that sometimes calling for a bunt with certain batters is a good decision. But not with Mike McGee. Bunting with Mike McGee always decreases the number of runs we can expect to score and, with only one exception (runner on 2nd no outs), decreases our probability of scoring at all.

Keep in mind these numbers are based on the team's actual stats, and should therefore account for variations in pitchers, the risk of double plays, etc due to the large sample size over the entire season. This formula does not, however, allow for base stealing or getting caught stealing, so that could impact the result a little bit.

http://www.tangotiger.net/markov.html

Introduction to Statistics: Football Edition

MattDNole — Fri, 21 May 2010 11:59:44 -0000

The past week has taught me that some of you out there still aren't seeing the reason why predicting Florida State's record for the upcoming season should be done using percentages and not a simple win/lose proposition. It's frustrated me so much that, just for today, I have decided to take off the jester hat and go back to my roots, which is actually statistics.

When I'm teaching an Intro to Stats class and a significant proportion of the class fails a test, I often wonder if it's because I haven't done a good enough job explaining the concept. So, using that same strategy, today I thought we should take a look at why we use the percentage model and why it is statistically the most rational method. We're going to do that by introducing a few of the basic concepts that you'll find in any introductory level stats course and show how these concepts can be applied to the prediction of football outcomes.

Random Variables

A random variable is any variable whose value is obtained through the outcome of a statistical experiment, and are highly important in the study of probability, stochastic processes, and game theory. The values of the random variable follow a random, but known, statistical distribution. In other words, you know the exact probability of getting each individual value of the random variable. It is important to note that the sum of all possible events in a given random variable is equal to 1.

Random variables fall into two major categories: continuous and discrete. Continuous random variables are variables that can take an uncountably infinite number of values. Temperature on a given day can be considered a continuous random variable, because if we had a thermometer that was accurate enough we could show that the temperature was 75.0 degrees, or 75.01 degrees, or 75.0000000000000001 degrees; there are an infinite number of possibilities. A discrete random variable can only take specific, pre-determined, values on the number scale. The number of people in a classroom can be considered a discrete random variable as there can only be 1, 2, 3, 4, .... people (fractions are not possible). We will focus our attention on discrete random variables from here on.

The most basic discrete random variable model is the process of flipping a coin. Let X represent the process of flipping a coin one time. X can then be summarized by:

If we then know the probabilities associated with each outcome, we can give the probability mass function (pmf) of the random variable X.

The above pmf shows what we all know. There is a 1/2 chance of getting a tails when flipping a coin and a 1/2 chance of getting a heads. For your own reference, a discrete random variable with 2 distinct outcomes and known probabilities is known as a Bernoulli distribution. Generally one outcome is considered a "success" and the other a "failure." The Bernoulli distribution requires a known probability of a success, usually called p. Since the sum of the probabilities of all possible events of a random variable is equal to 1, then probability of a failure is given by (1-p)

Expected Value

The expected value of a random variable is formally the integral of the random variable over its probability measure. What this means for our discrete random variable is that the expected value is a weighted average of the values of the random variable.

Consider a single fair die (dice). If the die is rolled one time, the random variable can take values 1,2,3,4,5,6 each with probability 1/6 (the 6 being 6 sides). Therefore, the expected value of this random variable is given by

If you roll a fair die one time, you should expect to get around 3.5. Sometimes you'll get higher, sometimes lower, but the baseline value you should expect to get is 3.5.

Applying this same process to our Bernoulli example earlier, one flip of a coin results in a zero 50% of the time and a one 50% of the time. The expected value of this random variable can then be given as 0*.5+1*.5=.5. Your expectation before flipping the coin should be of getting a value of .5 (heads half the time, tails half the time).

Linear Property of Expected Values

One extremely important truth about expectation is that they can be considered linear meaning, basically, that

the expectation of the sum of two random variables is equal to the sum of the expectations of the random variables.

Therefore, if we flipped a coin twice and wanted to find out the expectation of their combined values, we could find the expected value of each trial (or flip) and add them together to get the overall expectation (Hmm, this does seem familiar to the best method of predicting football games. Taking the percentages and adding them up.) Each individual trial has an expected value of .5, so their combined expectation would be equal to 1.

Continue reading and we will apply all of these techniques to the process of predicting the outcomes of football games.

For this section, we're going to go back to the Bernoulli distribution one more time. Since 1996 with the addition of overtime to the college game, there are only two possible outcomes to a football game: a win or a loss. However, before the game has happened we do not have the information to say which outcome will actually occur. We can generally assume that a certain team should be favored to win and by how much in some way. In this regard, we can estimate the probability that Team A wins the game.

On TNation, we have done this using the proportional win shares model used by Las Vegas. An ambitious statistics fan could potentially estimate these probabilities using a logistic regression model of off-season factors that lead to wins in the regular season or through some other technique. We're not asking you to do that. Regardless, we can find a probability of Team A's success in a given game.

Therefore, the outcome of any single game can be considered a Bernoulli random variable. We have two potential outcomes: Win (which will we use as our "success") and Lose (failure).

For the sake of simplicity of calculation, successes will be coded as 1 and failures will be coded as 0. Our estimated probability that Team A wins the game is our value for p. How likely is FSU to win that game? We list that as "p"

Therefore, the expected value for any single game is given by: 1*p+0*(1-p)=p. In other words, for this particular game, we can expect to get p wins.

Assume we have 12 of these random variables (G1,...G12) representing each game of the football season. Each variable has the win/lose (1/0) possible outcomes and its own probability of winning. In order to find out how many wins a team should expect in the given season, we should find the expectation of G1+G2+G3+G4+....+G12.

Due to the linearity of expectations we discussed before, this equates to finding:

E(G1)+E(G2)+E(G3)+...+E(G12).

We have already established that the expected value (expectation) of each individual game is the p of that specific game. Therefore, if we want to find the expected number of wins for the entire season we should simply add up each of the 12 p's we have chosen.

Estimation of the correct probabilities of each game remains an open question. At Tomahawk Nation, we use a fairly unscientific approach that calls for each member to project what they think the line of the game will be in a method loosely related to the proportional win shares technique. There are several other options that are open for debate as to how to accurately estimate Team A's chances of winning the game. What cannot be mathematically debated however, is that this technique is superior to the simple "We're better than Team B so that's 1 win, we're better than Team C so that's 2 wins, etc" method that many of you still inexplicably use. That technique just isn't realistic and given the better method, amounts to ignorance or willful blindness. Vegas definitely appreciates you using that method when you throw down wagers on the "season win totals" bets they offer.

Hopefully this quick tutorial explains the statistical justification for this approach. I hope this clears up any questions you might have had regarding why it is we are so set on using the percentage technique.

Offbeat Friday: You call that NCAA expansion? This is NCAA expansion.

MattDNole — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 12:51:45 -0000

What's going on with the NCAA these days?

Should we expand March Madness? Should the Big Ten grab 15 more teams and still ironically refer to themselves as "Ten"? Should other conferences grab smaller schools and act like adding ECU to their conference slate suddenly earns them $100 million in new television revenue?

Lately, the NCAA is more worried about expansion than ~~a guy sitting next to Rosie O'Donnell on a 4 hour flight~~ ~~Russell Crowe's costume director for the upcoming "Robin Hood" movie~~ the last notch on Chris Berman's belt in hour 3 of the NFL draft.

The fact of the matter is, the reason behind any of this expansion talk comes down to one thing: money. The NCAA and its teams are fully convinced that bigger=better when it comes to the size of conferences. While everyone waits for the Big Ten to fire its opening salvo, we here at Offbeat Friday thought we'd take a look at what the ACC should do when the jheri-curled, red-leather-jacket-wearing tough guy named Expansion comes a'calling.

Like we said earlier, this entire process is about conferences wanting more money. Lately, many people have assumed that the ACC's, and Florida State's, only recourse once conference expansion begins is to roll over and accept it. A lot of people have suggested that FSU should simply give in when the big bad SEC bully starts throwing his weight around. "If you can't beat em, join em," they say. And as the conferences stand right now, the ACC isn't going to beat the SEC in revenue any time soon. But what if the ACC blew up the prototype and got a little crazy? Let's take a look at a few simple additions that would make the ACC the premier super-conference in all the NCAA.

Potential ACC Member: Lebron James

Lebron's upcoming free agency has been well publicized for at least 3 years. His potential impact on an NBA franchise could be so great that the New York Knicks seem to have designed their entire rebuilding effort around freeing up enough cap space to woo Lebron during the offseason. The ACC doesn't have a salary cap. If we could pool together enough money, we could make a pretty substantial offer to Lebron to become the 13th member of the ACC.

The Pros: Depending on how Tiger Woods' recent rehab sticks, Lebron is on pace to become the world's first billion dollar athlete... that's some serious cash. ESPN's hype machine would go crazy whenever Lebron traveled to Durham to face the Blue Devils.

The Cons: The ACC would definitely have to cut back on those awful "Sportsmanship" commercials. Lebron doesn't play nice when he loses. In order to keep his current marketing image, we'd have to make some adjustments to Lebron's current commercials, and a Mike Krzyzewski puppet could potentially be the scariest thing ever created.

Should we want him? Yes. The combined ESPN and Jay Z love would make Gary Danielson's crush on Tim Tebow look like an arranged marriage for British royalty.

Can we get him? Maybe. The ACC will have to pool together its resources and do what it does best. FSU and Miami will have their coeds put on a car wash to raise money, Duke and Virginia can represent our interests at the negotiating table, and Maryland can yell obscenities at Lebron until he decides to join us.

Potential ACC Member: The New Jersey Nets

Let's face it. They aren't getting anywhere in the NBA anytime soon. But there are a lot of signs that the Nets could soon be a valuable addition to the ACC. They have enough cap space to attract a second level NBA free agent this summer, so the ACC could be adding Amare Stoudemire sometime soon. Their upcoming move to Brooklyn would add a huge television market for the ACC.

The Pros: Once again, it's always good to have Jay Z on your side. Secondly, the Nets are about to get a crazy Russian billionaire owner. Think Mark Cuban. But crazier. And more Russian-y. What would be more awesome to have join the conference? Plus, I've heard Miami quarterback Jacory Harris has a thing for Snookie, so there's that.

The Cons: Ralph Friedgen adopting the Gym-Tan-Laundry lifestyle. :shudder:

Should we want them? Absolutely. Buy low, sell high I always say. And it doesn't get too much lower than a 12-70 record.

Can we get them? The Nets' future has some potential. They're the odds-on favorite to pick up John Wall this summer. And that dance is so darn marketable. It'd take a pretty significant offer, but I think we could do it.

Potential ACC Member: The University of South Florida

Haha... just kidding.

Potential ACC Member: The Chelsea Football Club

Nobody ever said the Atlantic Coast Conference only had to be on one coast. Chelsea is one of the most valuable sports franchises in the world and would be a huge addition to the ACC. Plus, they would dramatically increase our football presence in Europe.*

*Offbeat Friday understands the difference between football and football. Save your letters crazy soccer fans. Shouldn't you be off somewhere liking other things that aren't popular in the US anyway? You know, like tact.... and communism.

The Pros: The ACC would be the first NCAA conference to go global. The potential revenue would be unmatched. And once again, we'd have the additional awesomeness of adding a crazy Russian billionaire to the conference.

The Cons: If you thought Duke fans were elitist, wait till you see what happens when you add British accents to the mix. Travel would be a concern. And we'd also probably have to add Arsenal or something to keep natural rivalries alive, and we don't have the kind of cash we'd need to attract both of them.

Should we want them? Roman Abramovich isn't afraid to use his money. So we could definitely get some cash into the conference. But we'd probably have to shut everything down every four years so the rest of the conference could pretend like we cared about the World Cup.

Can we get them? Nope.

Potential ACC Member: The NWO (circa 1997)

The NWO was able to lead WCW past the WWE juggernaut in the ratings during the infamous "Monday Night Wars." Maybe they could help the ACC pass the behemoth SEC.

The Pros: Nostalgic wrestling fanboys everywhere would finally having a rooting interest in real sports.

The Cons: Scott Hall's drinking problems. Aging NWO members would probably destroy the conference 3 years after its highest success. Repeated attempts at reviving a struggling team that only further depress those who remember their former greatness.

Should we want them? Nope.

Can we get them? Do we have $25 and a pack of smokes? Then sure. Plus, we're kinda obligated to accept them. Jim Grobe joined the NWO in 1999. And when you're NWO, you're NWO 4 Life.

Potential ACC Member: South Park Creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone

Potential ACC Member: The Smoke Monster

The driving force of television's "Lost". Started off Season 1 as a mysterious island entity. Became the most pivotal character in the show's mythology and the focus of its endgame in Season 6.

The Pros: Could destroy all other conferences that threatened the ACC "island." Could assume the form of great coaches who have passed on in order to motivate players. Coaches like Bear Bryant, Knute Rockne, and Joe Paterno.

The Cons: Might or might not be the physical manifestation of evil. But hey, we've already got Duke so we're kinda used to it. Plus, he might insist on bringing "candidates" with him.

Should we want him? Uhh... yes. It's a freaking smoke monster!

Can we get him? He's kinda trapped on an island right now. So we'll get back to you on that after the series finale on May 23rd.

Potential ACC Member: Sliced Bread

The standard bearer for every comparison ever made.

The Pros: From here on, the ACC would be the measuring stick for virtually everything. We'd be the greatest conference since... ourselves.

The Cons: Paul Johnson's low carb diet. Alienating the segment of our fan base suffering from celiac disease.

Should we want it? Come on, even ducks want bread and they don't even know what it is.

Can we get it? The only thing on this list that might come cheaper than the NWO.

So there you have it. Eight targets for ACC expansion that would put the Big 10 and the SEC to shame. I encourage you to email your local athletic director and insist that we make these targets a priority, or else we run the risk of becoming obsolete in the land of the super-conferences.

Jumbo Athlete Amos Lapp Commits to the Florida State Seminoles

MattDNole — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 15:41:38 -0000

The Noles may have got a head start on the 2011 recruiting class, but apparently they weren't quite done with the 2010 class just yet. Today they picked up a commitment from Amos Lapp, a 6'3'' 305 pound jumbo athlete from Berlin, Ohio. You're gonna have to bare with us on this one, because this commitment comes from completely out of the blue. We're told he plays guard and defensive tackle for his local team. Lapp will enroll this summer and join the team in the fall.

Very little, if any, film exists on this kid. Apparently he visited Tallahassee during his traditional rumspringa and enjoyed the campus. During a chance meeting with Florida State offensive line coach Rick Trickett, the coach was apparently impressed with his work ethic and offered him a scholarship to play football. We have to confess, an unrated white guy that no one's ever heard of is exactly the type of player Trickett always seems to find.

We're having a difficult time finding any information on this kid, so we don't know what kind of 40 he runs. We've heard stories that while on his visit in late December he beat Budd Thacker in a bench press competition, so he clearly has some upper body strength and could potentially contribute on the defensive or offensive line right away. His combination of strength and size, combined with some of the rumors we've heard about his mean streak on the field could potentially turn this kid into a monster on the gridiron.

Communication with Lapp has proven to be difficult as you might expect, but it is compounded by the fact that he only speaks an old German dialect. The Noles might have signed Bjoern Werner last cycle merely to be Lapp's interpreter.

There are some qualification concerns, as Lapp has never taken a standardized test nor attended a regular school. However he has allegedly memorized the entire Old Testament, so we're quite confident he can reach the necessary test score.

This addition makes it more likely that a player like Cameron Irving will redshirt this season. It additionally adjusts the number of players Florida State can take in the 2011 class without major attrition.

The Tomahawk Nation Depth Chart has been updated to reflect this commitment.

Offbeat Friday: Getting you ready for the Florida State Baseball season

MattDNole — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 13:55:46 -0000

The large influx of new readers recently means there's a good chance that this is your first season following FSU baseball with Tomahawk Nation. With just one week left until the beginning of the Seminoles' 2010 baseball season, we here at Offbeat Friday thought it appropriate to post some of the important information you'll need to know to carry you through the upcoming campaign.

First, the minor details...

First Game: Friday February 19 @ 4pm in Dick Howser Stadium (PS- While many people refer to FSU's football stadium as "That Doak", Offbeat Friday does not encourage the usage of the term "The Dick" as it causes funny looks and sexual harassment charges around the office.)

TNation coverage: TNation's director of baseball coverage from last year, pbysh, has a really sweet new job and no free time. This year's coverage will be brought to you by everybody's favorite comment moderator, RaysnNoles! Welcome aboard RnN!

Fan Day: February 13th at Dick Howser Stadium from 10:30-4. Tallahassee readers can meet the team, get pictures, autographs, and watch a team scrimmage at 2:30.

Are the Noles any good this year? ACC coaches picked FSU to win the Atlantic Division as an overwhelming favorite (10 out of 12 coaches put the Noles in first place in the division.) Most of the collegiate baseball polls place the Noles within the top 10 to begin the season.

Now that all of that is out of the way, let's get down to the more important stuff. After the jump, we'll introduce you to the Mike Martin Drinking Game, fun facts about the FSU players, and a few of the traditions that make the FSU program one of the top collegiate baseball programs in the country.

The Mike Martin Drinking Game

While watching games last year, the braintrust at Offbeat Friday and several TNation readers began to notice some very particular habits of FSU's coach, Mike Martin. For those of you unfamiliar with the name, Mike Martin is more commonly referred to by the following nicknames, Mr. February, Chief Bunts-For-No-Reason, and "Lebben" (Probably meant to be "11," after his jersey number, but it's really hard to understand certain baseball fans when they talk with half a hot dog in their mouth while staring at the scantly clad woman they have paid to act like their friend for the day.) These habits eventually led to the creation of The Mike Martin Drinking Game!!

Take a drink every time:

Mike Martin says any variation of the words "poise", "execution", and "competitor." Martin is particularly fond of attributing the success of physically gifted, All-American catchers to that player's "poise" and "desire to compete."
If there are two runners on with nobody out and Mike Martin calls for a bunt. (If the player at bat hits 3,4, or 5 in the lineup, take two drinks.)
If the announcers spend at least 3 minutes talking about how a pitcher has run out of gas, and Mike Martin walks to the mound, only to return to the dugout without bringing in a reliever.
If a player gets inexplicable amounts of playing time due to his last name (Note: Formerly the "Jack Posey Rule". However, Jack is injured this season. Pay particular attention to Stephen McGee.)
If a closer walks the bases loaded with nobody out in a 2 run game and Martin does nothing.
If the same closer appears to be attempting to finish the game without throwing a single fastball.
If a right-handed pitching recruit with a 95mph fastball arrives on campus and becomes a side-armed left-handed knuckleballer.

A few new rules, based on our best guesses at things that will be popular this season:

If an FSU pitcher is sidelined for 3 weeks with high cholesterol.
If Gene Deckerhoff describes a hit as a "can of corn" off the bat, but the ball ends up being a 450 ft. blast.
If Gene Deckerhoff praises an outfielder for a "one handed catch."
If a player chooses "Run This Town" as their intro music.
If Tyler Holt gets his own show on TLC called "The Littlest Leadoff Man."
If Taiwan Easterling throws someone out trying to advance from second to third after a batter has hit the right field screen.

*Disclaimer: We here at Offbeat Friday do not drink alcohol. If you are watching an FSU baseball game and plan to play along with the MMDG, we suggest that you don't either. Seriously. You will die.

**Disclaimer 2, Electric Boogaloo: We aren't playing around about the first Disclaimer. Martin says "poise" like it's the word "and".

9 Fun Facts About the Team

Hunter Scantling, at 6'8'' 270 pounds, was cast to play the role of a young Michael Clarke Duncan in "The Green Mile." Unfortunately for Hunter, the scenes were cut when producers realized that movie made no sense.

Contrary to popular belief, infielder Devon Travis is not related to country great Randy Travis. He is, however, the third cousin of a guy in the Charlie Daniels Band.

Scott Sitz. And sometimes he standz. HAH!

Freshman infielder Jayce Boyd is poised to make a big impact. He comes from the same high school as baseball legends Don Sutton, Jay Bell, and Travis Fryman. Boyd is destined to either become a pasty middle infielder on a mid-western MLB team in a city with a poor economy or to grow the sweetest mullet/jheri curl combo ever seen.

Corben Madden dedicated this season to restoring the American people's faith in ginger baseball players after the Mark McGwire news broke.

Taiwan Easterling hopes to continue the tradition of successful football players who also played baseball at Florida State. Grew up idolizing players like D'Vontrey Richardson, Alex Boston, Lee Corso, Danny Kanell, and Dominic Robinson. He doesn't know of any other people who played both sports at FSU.

An unfortunate mispronunciation almost got Ohmed Danesh eaten by Aubrey Phillips in the summer of 2009.

No matter how hard he tries to explain, outfielder James Ramsey can't get the other players to stop asking him for financial advice.

Sean Gilmartin is actually right handed. His current pitching motion was developed after an ill-conceived bet following an episode of Road Rules in 1998.

Florida State Tradition

Many outsiders believe the famous "N-O-L-E-S" cheer is a ripoff of Miami's "CANES" cheer. They are only partially right. Both cheers are derivative from an ancient "S-C-O-T-S" cheer designed by Scottish legend William Wallace to motivate his men. Unfortunately, as Wallace waved his arms frantically at the head of the battle lines, he was only able to get out "S-C-" before being beheaded by the British army.

A group of die hard fans known as The Animals sing "O Canada" during the bottom of the fifth inning of every home game. While no one really knows how this tradition began, experts believe it was due to the section's love of bacon.

Popular names for the chain link fence atop the right field wall of Dick Howser Stadium include: "The Screen Monster", "JD's Folly", and "The Car Saver."

Assistant coach Mike Martin, Jr. is more commonly known by his nickname, "Meat." The irony is not lost on Martin, Jr., who has been a practicing vegan since the first Bush administration.

The large vacant white space below the Publix ad on the left field scoreboard is in tribute to Larry Scroble, the Marshmellow King of Tallahassee who was sadly struck by a foul ball off the bat of Stephen Drew.

Any time a Seminole pitcher strikes out 8 batters, fans receive a free Circle K hot dog. If a pitcher strikes out 12 batters, fans can take batting practice with the team on the following Tuesday. If a pitcher strikes out 20 batters, fans are allowed their choice between a new car, a trip to the Bahamas, and something behind Door #3. PS- it's a goat.

The third inning is known as the "Flip the Switch" inning. If the Noles are trailing at the conclusion of this inning, fans on the right field side are encouraged to trade seats with fans on the left field side. If the Noles are winning, fans are required to stand up, turn around 360 degrees, and sit back down. If the game is tied, the fans all go home.

Well that's it, loyal readers. All the information you need to be ready for the 2010 Seminole Baseball season. Happy Friday and Go N-O-...

Offbeat Friday: Move over, "I can has cheezburger", It's time for some lolFSU

MattDNole — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 16:43:20 -0000

It's been awhile since Offbeat Friday has come to you. To be perfectly honest, we've been quite busy in the past 2 months (Our day job as James Coley's personal Cuban coffee supplier has kept us swamped. We just woke up from a 76 hour nap.) So we'll try to bring the fun today. Or at least some distraction as you count down the hours till the end of the work week and a glorious SuperBowl weekend.

A certain poster on this site believes that we here at Offbeat Friday simply search for tired internet memes, and run them into the ground.

Well... of course we do!! That's the fun part!!

After the jump, we try our hand at one of the internet's most time-honored traditions: putting funny, frequently grammatically incorrect, captions on pictures.

Don't forget, Seminole baseball season starts in a couple of weeks. TNation's coverage is being led by RaysnNoles this year. It's sure to be a great season filled with sacrifice bunts with nobody out, horrible pitching decisions, and of course the Mike Martin Drinking Game. Get excited!!

Offbeat Friday hopes that our old friend Bobby Bowden doesn't hold any grudges as he travels off into the sunset. It's always been in good fun. Just like these:

Of course, another legendary FSU football coach announced his retirement this offseason. Mickey Andrews always presented himself with dignity and class. He was a great coach and is a great man. We will always miss him but we hope he has a wonderful retirement. Mickey Andrews is such a quality human being, it really makes me sad to post this next one....

We should probably move on without discussing that one any further....

With a competent president in charge of Florida State University, and a football staff that seems to have its act together, we here at Offbeat Friday are a little scared that there won't be any more terrible coaches to mock...

Leonard Hamilton!!! Thank you Leonard, for being just the kind of horrible gameday manager that keeps us in business. We salute you, sir!!

Lest you think we only mock our own, take a look at these messages from around southeastern football.

Above all else, Offbeat Friday remains a true fanboy at heart. We will always love and support FSU and the ideals it tries to stand for. We'll cheer for our team through good and bad, praise the good, and point out the bad. But we only do it because we care, and because we hope to help improve our program. We want to see FSU make full use of all its resources and be the best University and athletic program it can be. And yes, we've got a bit of a man crush....

FSU vs Maryland Basketball Tonight at 9pm Check your local listings for Raycom sports Those going...

MattDNole — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 21:23:46 -0000

FSU vs Maryland Basketball Tonight at 9pm
Check your local listings for Raycom sports

Those going to the game should wear white, because it is Greivis Vasquez's least favorite color and he is an insufferable douchebag. Also, there's a white out planned.

Don't forget, Gary Williams is a sweaty drunk.

The Noles look to go to 5-3 in the ACC and 17-5 overall. They also hope to avenge a January 10th loss, 77-68, at Maryland. Pomeroy gives us a 56% chance of winning this game.

(Apologies to TC, who is still on sabbatical, for the shoddy quality of my preview. Unfortunately, like Leonard Hamilton, I let the recruiting supersede getting a gameplan ready for tonight.)

Florida State's Post Signing Day Hangover

MattDNole — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 14:26:36 -0000

Sorry guys. Things are going pretty slow around the Official TNation condo. We're still trying to recover from yesterday. There are empty cans and paper plates everywhere. Quick morning assessment of yesterday's events: I still don't know how FSUn ended up with that baby; FSUSOM and SWFLNole woke up this morning with matching tattoos; I did some things I'm not proud of after my celebratory root beer binge got out of hand, and FrankDNole still hasn't woken up yet (I can't wait until he sees what we wrote on his face).

Consequently, things are running a little slow this morning. Here's something quick to hold you over until we can figure out where we left The K-Man.

FSU finished with the number 6 rated class according to ESPN and the number 10 class according to Rivals.

When size of the class is taken into account, here are the average star rankings for the rest of the ACC.

School	Avg. Stars (Rivals)

Florida State	3.50
Clemson	3.35
Virginia Tech	3.29
Miami	3.07
UNC	3.14
NC State	3.05
Maryland	3.10
Georgia Tech	3.17
Boston College	2.86
Virginia	2.78
Wake Forest	2.74
Duke	2.50

Note that Florida State finished about 1.603 standard deviations above the average ACC class. Miami only finished .085 standard deviations above the average ACC class.

Now I have some bad news for you. FSU's class wasn't as good as Florida's class. A team that finished 7-6 and has only had an entirely competent coaching staff for 5 weeks did not have as good a class as the team that won a BCS bowl, has won 2 National Championships in 4 years, and has one of the top programs in the country. I know. It sucks. But look at the rest of the SEC classes.

School	Avg Stars (Rivals)
Florida	3.89
Auburn	3.5
Alabama	3.62
LSU	3.59
Tennessee	3.44
Georgia	3.42
Ole Miss	3.28
South Carolina	3.04
Mississippi State	2.92
Arkansas	2.96
Kentucky	2.77
Vanderbilt	2.79

Florida finished with a class that was 1.595 standard deviations above the average SEC class.

Relative to each school's in-conference competition, Florida State had just as good a class as Florida.

Florida State is not in the SEC and has only been playing new-millennium football for 5 weeks. Right now, there are too many obstacles for FSU to use the SEC as its benchmark. But when compared to its own conference, Florida State was the cream of the crop this recruiting season. If the Noles can continue to show this type of dominance over the rest of its conference in recruiting and translate that into on-field success, Jimbo Fisher can build the type of program that can hopefully compete nationally with UF, Alabama, Texas, and USC.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to throw away some empty pizza boxes and take like 20 showers.

ESPN, Fanhouse, and others reporting that Jim Leavitt is out at USF

MattDNole — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 14:55:04 -0000

ESPN, Fanhouse, and others reporting that Jim Leavitt is out at USF

Offtopic Discussion Thread #Whatever

MattDNole — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 21:35:00 -0000

Yeah I messed up and hijacked a regular thread. We need to keep our off topic discussions in a separate place. Like here.

Someone please rec this so it stays pinned for those of us who chat frequently.

Edit: Just because it's Off Topic doesn't mean the regular TNation commenting rules don't apply. Keep it civil and keep it clean. Well, at least as clean as we normally are.

Yeah I messed up and hijacked a regular thread. We need to keep our off topic discussions in a separate place. Like here.

Someone please rec this so it stays pinned for those of us who chat frequently.

Edit: Just because it's Off Topic doesn't mean the regular TNation commenting rules don't apply. Keep it civil and keep it clean. Well, at least as clean as we normally are.

Offbeat Friday: It's a College Football Christmas

MattDNole — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 16:23:24 -0000

The First Annual Tomahawk Nation College Football Christmas Spectacular is here!! So hang those stockings, trim the tree, and get ready for some good old-fashioned yuletide fun in the spirit of those great Christmas variety shows of yesteryear!!

Inside, you'll find out what songs the biggest names in college football are listening to, you'll get exclusive access to Santa's naughty list, and we'll take another look at some of your favorite Christmas movies. With special guest appearances by...

Lou Holtz
The Rockettes
The Andy Williams Orchestra
To all our men and women stationed at home and abroad, Erin Andrews will stop by with a sultry rendition of "Please Come Home for Christmas"

and who could forget.....

Santa Mark May and his elf, Rece Davis!!!

There's a fa-la-la-la-lot going on in here, Lee Corso might even drop by to put on a reindeer head.

This Christmas Spectacular is so epic that we had to do it one week early just to give ourselves a chance to recover in time for the real holiday! You bring the egg nog, and we'll bring the fun.

We've got more ho-ho-ho's than ~~Tiger Woods' cell phone~~ a Tennessee recruiting visit.

It's Christmas! It's College Football! It's Offbeat!! It's Exclamatory!!!

Live from Studio 7-F in the beautiful Tallahassee, Fl, it's the Tomahawk Nation College Football Christmas Spectacular!! Here's your host... MattDNole!!!

Thanks for joining us everybody. We've got a great show lined up for you today. A guy who kinda looks like Bing Crosby will be in later to share some Christmas cookie decorating tips. But first, it's been a crazy college football season, hasn't it? From Bradford's injured shoulder against BYU to Tebow's injured manhood against Alabama, this season has been filled with twists and turns. Well, 'tis the season, you know!!

"Did sssssssssssssomebody ssssssssssay ssssssssssseassssssssson?"

Hey everybody!! It's Lou Holtz!!!

"How'sssssssss it going, MattDNole? I thought I'd come by and sssssssssssing a sssssssssssong or two."

Yeah that'd be great. But what did you have in mind, Lou?

"Sssssssssssssilent Night."

Umm... maybe another song would suit you better, Dr. Lou.

"Good King Wenccccccccesssssssssssslasssssssssssssss?"

No.

"Sssssssssssssilver Bellsssssssssssssssss."

Now you're not even trying. Tell you what. You go backstage and think it over and we'll let you sing a song a bit later.

"Ssssssssssssssure thing."

Give it up for Lou Holtz, everybody!!!

You know, some of my favorite films of all time have a special meaning here at Christmas time. Who can forget the first time they saw "It's a Wonderful Life" or "A Christmas Story"? Well we sent our crack writing staff out to write the next Christmas classic... about college football....

"A Christmas Carol"

Ebenezer Saban is visited by three ghosts who encourage him to lighten up a little bit and stop being such a douche bag from December to early January.

Cast

Ghost of LSU: James Carville

Ghost of the Miami Dolphins: Jennifer Lopez

Ghost of Bear Bryant: The Actual Ghost of Bear Bryant

Ebenezer Saban: Leonardo DiCaprio

and making his film debut...

Tiny Tim: Mike Shula

"Miracle on 34th Street"

It's the city that never sleeps. New York doesn't have time for miracles anymore. That is, until a left handed QB with awkward footwork and a terrible throwing motion actually gets drafted. The whole world thinks he's a fraud, but one little Gator fan still believes. But this little Gator fan just happens to own the Jacksonville Jaguars. It's Forrest Gump meets The Natural meets Little Big League in this heartwarming tale brought to you by ESPN, CBS, every newspaper in the state of Florida, any announcer who has covered a UF game in the last 5 years, Thom Brennaman, Verne Lundquist, and Gary Danielson.

"The Polar Express"

When seven Notre Dame defenders miss the train to Santa's workshop, Toby Gerhart carries each of them on his back all the way to the North Pole. Well, after a quick stop in the end zone of course.

"The Santa Clause"

In a small midwestern town, one man takes on a role that is bigger than life. When the jolly fat man himself meets his demise, head coach Brian Kelly is tapped to take his place. Little does Kelly know that the job isn't all its cracked up to be. If the previous job holder is any indication, the expanding waist line and graying hair are just some of the side effects.

"Home Alone"

Dad is on vacation and has left little Lane all by himself this Christmas. What's a mischievous little boy going to do when the NCAA tries to take a look inside his house?

"A Christmas Story"

There's nothing this Seminole coach wants for Christmas more than a Red Ryder BB gun.... except maybe to be Head Coach of his football team. When he finally gets his wish and the old coach retires, will the new coach handle the responsibility or will he shoot his eye out?

We can now officially bring you an exerpt from the upcoming film.

"It's a Wonderful Life, Pete Carroll"

When his team fails to make a January bowl game. Trojan coach Pete Carrol goes to the Golden Gate bridge planning to attempt suicide.

Pete: That's it. It's over. I'm gonna jump!!

Angel: Don't do it, Pete! You have so much to live for.

Pete: What? Who said that?

Angel: It's me, Herm Edwards. I was sent here from above to tell you not to jump.

Pete: What's the use? My team didn't even make the BCS this year. I bet things would've been better had I never even been born.

Herm: That's not true Pete. Let me show you.

Cut to a small, run-down apartment in San Diego, California...

Pete: Where are we?

Herm: It's Reggie Bush's house, Pete. When you weren't around to take the job at USC, the program never regained its respectability. Since no one cared, the boosters never made illegal payments to get Reggie to come to Los Angeles. His career flamed out when he was vastly underutilized by Coach Willingham at Notre Dame.

Pete: Reggie went to ND?

Herm: Yep. Tyrone tried to make him an option QB. When Weis got there and brought the passing offense, it really didn't work out. Shame, really.

Pete: This is just awful.

Herm: You should see OJ Mayo's condo. But we have more to see, Pete. It gets worse. Much worse.

Cut to a small tv station in Omaha, Nebraska

Pete: Where are we?

Herm: The global headquarters of ESPN.

Pete: What?! Not possible. ESPN is the worldwide leader in sports.

Herm: Well they were until the lawsuit. See, without you turning the USC program around, ESPN no longer had its one scapegoat to defend themselves against "East Coast Bias" criticisms. When the Pac10, Mountain West, and WAC filed a class-action lawsuit, ESPN was forced to relocate to this new spot in the middle of the country and to pay a hefty settlement.

Pete: Well, where do people get their sports news now?

Herm: From the 8 time defending Emmy award winning team of Lundquist and Danielson.

Pete: It's worse than I could have ever imagined.

Herm: There's something else you need to see, Pete.

Cut to South Bend, Indiana

Pete: Hey, who's that skinny guy over there?

Herm: That's Charlie Weis. Without you continually embarrassing him on national television, Charlie was able to win a lot more games and keep his job. Without all the pressure from alumni and fans, he never started depression-eating and lost over 150 pounds in 3 years. They're actually competing for their 4th straight national championship. Notre Dame and NBC rule over college football fans like an angry tyrant. Beano Cook occasionally destroys small cities, just because he can. Columbus, Ohio is a wasteland.

Pete: This is horrible. I don't wanna give up anymore, Herm. Let me go back and coach the team. I'll never quit like this again.

Herm: I was hoping you might say that Pete. Just remember. Every time a bell rings, a washed up NFL coach gets a job in college football.

Cut to the Emerald Bowl locker room...

Pete: And we're gonna go out there, we're gonna fight, and we're gonna win!!!

Trojans: WOOOOO!!! Let's get BC!!!

Matt Barkley: Coach, that was really stirring speech you gave there. What got into you?

Pete: Oh, just some advice from a friend.

A distant bell rings in the San Francisco harbor as Pete smiles.

Pete: Way to go, Herm!

ESPN ticker reads "Joe Schad reporting that Herm Edwards has accepted the head coaching job at Toledo."

Look for these films... well, never.

And now, everyone's favorite holiday dance group... The Rockettes!!!

via radiocitychristmas.com

Well, wasn't that just great?

"Hey!!! I got a ssssssssssssssong."

Oh. It's Lou Holtz again. What do you want to sing Lou?

"Jingle Bell Rock."

Wow.... that might actually work. But since the show is running a bit long, do you mind if we have the Leon County High School Marching Band back you up while you sing? We promised those kids playing time if they'd commit to be on our show.

"Abssssssssssolutely."

Ok, Lou... you go ahead a start singing. (By the way... this seems like a perfect time to take a commercial break. Stay tuned!)

"Tomahawk Nation: Winning games with talent. Winning Championships with character."

....

"That'ssssssss the jingle bell. That'sssssssss the jingle bell. That'sssssssss the jingle bell rooooock."

Lou Holtz, ladies and gentlemen!!!

At this point in the show, we planned on making a gingerbread house with Mark Mangino. This bit was supposed to poke fun at Mark's size; we were going to cook for a while and then Mark would "pretend" to eat the house himself. Unfortunately, when I did not know the difference between a salad fork and a dinner fork, Mark verbally abused me for 2 and a half hours. He then called his buddy Jim Leavitt who choked me and punched me in the face. Oh well. Here is an artist's rendering of what that cooking segment might have looked like....

I have some disappointing news for the troops out there. It seems Erin Andrews won't be joining us today. Apparently her bodyguards weren't too keen on the foxy red jump suit we planned for her to wear during her song. Or the throngs of Tomahawk Nation writers gathered outside her dressing room. But we couldn't just let that jumpsuit go to waste. So instead, here's Jesse Palmer singing "Santa Baby"!!

Ok not really. We here at Tomahawk Nation support the troops and that would've been cruel and unusual.

But we do have Mr. Excitement CJ Spiller here to sing a song for us. Take it away CJ!!

"HerecomesSantaClauseHerecomesSantaClauseRightdownSantaClauseLane!"

Umm... wow. That was a great song, CJ. You sang it so quickly. It's just a shame you faked that injury as you were finishing. But I'm sure you'll be fine by the next time you're supposed to sing.

Speaking of music, here's Case Keenum with a few song requests.

"Ok. Well. I don't really know why I'm here for this."

No, Case. Use the voice we talked about. And be sure to read the letters.

"Wait... did you just bring me on here to do this because my name sounds like Casey Kasem?"

Umm... no? Wait, come back!

Ok, well I'll do the song requests then.

"I'll Have a Blue Christmas Without You"- Is dedicated to TT from UM. UM writes "Thanks for making me look good, TT. I'll miss you. XOXOXOXO"

"I'll be home for Christmas"- Rich Rodriguez

"White Christmas" - Every Penn State Linebacker ever

"Feliz Navidad" - Miami's fans to everyone else

With a few new lyrics, female fans of the Tennessee Volunteers have dedicated "Whose Child is This?" to their favorite football team.

"The First Noel" - to the West Virginia Mountaineers

"The Christmas Shoes" - Chuck Amato

And finally, since Coach Bowden has said he's leaving Tallahassee after his retirement, the writers of Tomahawk Nation would like to wish him a fond farewell and dedicate this song to him...

What's that I hear? Are those jingle bells? Could it be him????

"HO HO HO. Merry Christmas!!!"

It's Santa Mark May and his elf, Rece Davis!!

"I came by to deliver a few presents, MattDNole. I have gifts for all the good little boys and girls out there."

Oooh!! I was very good this year Santa!! What did you bring me?

"We'll get to that young man. First, we have these important gifts to give.

First, we have a fishing pole for Bobby Bowden. He's going to need a new hobby these days and I hear that Ann can be pretty feisty at times. He might want to get away every now and then.

I also brought a gift for Gary Danielson. It's a new reason for living now that he can't watch Tim Tebow play anymore.

The last present I have in my bag is for Brian Kelly. It's a new leash for his new job at Notre Dame."

But Santa, it's so short.

"Exactly."

Santa, you said you had my present too. I've been very good all year and I was really hoping you might bring me something.

"I did, MattDNole."

REALLY?! What was it?

"Funnier jokes."

Oh.

Well, on that note. It looks like we've run out of time. Sorry TCU and Boise State, we just couldn't fit you in this time. But hey, maybe next year!!!

"See? Funnier jokes already."

Shut up, Santa Mark May.

Thanks for joining us for the Tomahawk Nation College Football Christmas Spectacular. We hope you and yours have a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!!

Gatorade Sucks

MattDNole — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 19:56:25 -0000

Gatorade Sucks

Offbeat Friday: Florida State Recruiting Coordinator James Coley is the Solution to Your Commitment Issues

MattDNole — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 12:29:54 -0000

A few months ago, Tomahawk Nation was able to get exclusive access to the daily schedule of FSU's linebacker coach, Chuck Amato. Since then, we have been working with our connections to try to find out just what it is some of the other coaches do with their time.

Today, our hard work has finally paid off. Your humble proprietor of MattDNole's Premium Content was allowed to follow Coach Coley around for a day earlier this week. Inside this story, you will find my journal entries of what that morning was like.

*Disclaimer- Due to the risk of over-HYPEment and excessive SWAGgeration, we ask that women who are pregnant or are trying to get pregnant, those with heart conditions, and the elderly refrain from trying to read this story. This Coach Coley story is not for readers whose SWAG levels are currently maintained through the recreational use of Red Bull or other artificial stimulants. Ask your doctor if reading this Coach Coley story might be right for you.

**Disclaimer 2: Electric Boogaloo- For those of you who are unaware, yesterday Coley secured the two commitments from Palm Beach, flew to Los Angeles and got a commitment from Mike Harris, then flew back to Miami in order to visit a prospect today. You can follow Coach Coley on Twitter at www.twitter.com/CoachColey

4:00am

You know those old cartoons where they show a farm gently waking up in the morning? There's always the same song with clarinets and oboes and stuff playing in the background, the Sun always seems to yawn and take a stretch, and the rooster gently crows as the quaint farmer and his wife get a start on their day.

Being woken up by James Coley is like being thrown on stage at a Metallica concert in your boxer shorts while people throw water balloons at you. It's 4am and he's banging on my hotel room door wondering why I'm not dressed and ready to go yet.

"The sun isn't even up yet, Coach."

"True Seminoles ATTACK the Sun. Make the Sun afraid to get up today. Dude. I'm totally gonna tweet that."

"But it doesn't even make sense, Coach."

"Get dressed. We've got work to do."

4:30am

You know what's depressing? Checking out of your hotel at 4:30 in the morning and looking over at where the complimentary breakfast will be in a few hours.

"Coach, do you think we could stop and get a donut or something?"

"I'd rather tweet than eat. Besides, I've conditioned my body to live off Cuban coffee and Juicy Fruit. I don't have time to eat."

We've got 4 recruiting visits scheduled for today. One in Tampa, one in Orlando, and a couple in South Florida. James likes to get an early jump on these visits. In state recruits are important to the regrowth of the Florida State football program. James likes to be as prepared as possible to meet Florida players and coaches.

"I've read every book report this kid has ever written. Did you know he said he cried at the end of Where the Red Fern Grows? That book about the dogs."

"Well that's a pretty sad book, Coach. I mean... the dogs do die at the end."

"I had a dog once as a kid. I took it out for a walk. It died of exhaustion before we got home. I still miss Swaggy."

"You named your dog Sw..."

"Not now man. We made it to (NAME REDACTED FOR NCAA RULES PURPOSES)'s high school."

"Coach. It's 5am. Nobody is here yet."

"Exactly."

6:00am

It's been an interesting hour. Coach and I scoured the outside of the high school building looking for windows that might have been left open and loose doors. Coach wanted to get in and get a sense of the school. "A true Seminole studies his environment" he claims. When our efforts at breaking and entering failed, Coach and I drove to the school bus depot and convinced the foreman that (NAME REDACTED FOR NCAA RULES PURPOSES)'s regular driver was sick and we were the substitutes. I am now sitting on a school bus as James impatiently waits at (NAME REDACTED FOR NCAA RULES PURPOSES)'s stop.

"No time to wait. We got work to do."

"Coach, we're like 45 minutes early."

"45 minutes? Then there's still time!!!"

6:45am

Most people wouldn't be able to drive a big yellow school bus from Tampa to Orlando and back within 45 minutes. Most people aren't James Coley. Coley wanted to make sure he knew the directions to the next high school we had to visit, he had some free time, so he just drove there. The most terrifying 45 minutes of my life.

9:00am

Watching James Coley on a recruiting visit is like watching a potter work with clay. He knows EVERYONE's name: secretaries, teachers, coaches, administrators... students.

"Coach, umm... how do you know these kids' names?"

"Facebook, man. I studied (NAME REDACTED FOR NCAA RULES PURPOSES)'s friend list. You gotta be prepared. It's SWAG or b SWAGGED. Ooh.. I'm gonna tweet that."

(under my breath) "I figured you might."

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

Some people might feel shady about friending 18 year olds on Facebook. For recruiting coordinators and college football fans, it's just a way of life.

Apparently Coley's intensive studying pays off. In the last 2 hours he's secured commitments from 4 football players, 2 coaches, 8 cheerleaders, and a mascot.

9:15am

Our last visit took a little longer than Coley had hoped. He's behind schedule. For the entire drive from Tampa to Orlando Coley checked his blackberry for updates on TomahawkNation and Warchant (This time the drive was accomplished in 15 minutes. Don't ask me how. I don't know. I'm not sure if James Coley travels on land. I think he elevates and the Earth moves beneath him.) He also constantly studied a 3 ring binder of information collected on our next recruit. While driving. 105 mph. On I-4. I haven't wet my pants since I was 4 years old.

Until today.

11:00am

Once again, Coley was able to work his magic. The entire marching band just committed to Florida State.

"That was easier than I expected. Those kids really wanted to be Noles. We can actually take our time driving to our next stop. Mmmm... I smell the 305!!! Hey, I'm gonna..."

"You're gonna tweet that."

12:00pm

The relaxed drive gives me a chance to get to know Coley a little better. We are able to talk about life, hobbies, politics, and his favorite movies...

"And then he says 'Get the hell off my plane!' And kicks him off the plane. That was awesome, but I really don't know why Harrison Ford keeps copying me."

"Wait, what? Harrison Ford is copying you?"

"Definitely. I beat up 15 Russians just yesterday. Just for fun."

"Coach, since we have some free time, can we get something to eat?"

"Here. Drink some of this coffee."

5:00pm

I awake in a daze. I cannot feel my lower extremities and my hair is mated to my face.

"You don't have enough SWAG for the coffee."

Clearly.

6:00pm

I beg Coley to drop me off at the nearest airport. He has made his South Florida visits and decided to take a trip to Kansas to see a JUCO linebacker. I simply cannot keep up. Plus, I'm pretty sure I need my stomach pumped. I thank Coley for his time before hastily leaving the car to catch my plane.

I'll leave you with a few interesting tidbits I gleaned during the day:

James Coley neither sleeps nor eats. Both are consequences of his addiction to Cuban coffee.
The character of the Ultimate Warrior was based on the life of James Coley. He was also a consultant for the movie "Scarface." James was 9 at the time of filming.
Do not leave James Coley alone with your girlfriend. Despite being a happily married man, he'll still recruit your lady just for kicks. He has no intentions of doing anything, he just likes the practice. (PS- When your girlfriend calls him and he turns her down, he calls it a "non-commitable offer.")
After his 5th cup of Cuban coffee of the day, life slows down for James Coley and he sees everything as if it were in the Matrix.

The life of James Coley isn't for everyone. It definitely wasn't for me. But I am absolutely certain of one thing: James Coley is a baaaaaaaaad man. And he's coming to get you. And he'll probably talk you into committing to Florida State.

Florida State Boosters Fail to Pay Western Kentucky Enough Money to Hire Their Rejects

MattDNole — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 17:21:41 -0000

Florida State Boosters Fail to Pay Western Kentucky Enough Money to Hire Their Rejects

I guess the Hilltoppers are committed to winning.

PS- There had been some thought that Chuck Amato would be WKU's next head coach. No matter, he is still gone after the UF game and will stop sabotaging FSU's program. Have no fear, FSU fans, recruits are already laughing at him and talking about him in the past tense).

PPS- I just added a Twitter homework assignment. All you tweeters out there, let's make #DesignerShadesBigManBoobs a top trending topic!!

Happy Birthday Coach Bowden!!

MattDNole — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 17:45:44 -0000

Happy Birthday Coach Bowden!!

This picture never gets old. The dude in it, however, still does.

MattDNole — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 19:05:25 -0000

This picture never gets old. The dude in it, however, still does.

Who Might Jimbo Fisher Select as Florida State's New Defensive Coordinator?

MattDNole — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 14:32:58 -0000

I think at this point it is clear that Florida State may be searching for 1-5 new coaches starting in December. It has always been the policy of TomahawkNation to address such rumors thoughtfully and carefully, with an eye towards the future development of the program.

In the past few months on TomahawkNation, people have repeatedly wondered who Jimbo Fisher would target when given the opportunity to hire his own defensive staff. For quite some time, the only names we have been able to suggest are Greg Hudson, defensive coordinator and linebackers coach at ECU, and Manny Diaz, defensive coordinator and linebackers coach at Middle Tennessee State. These two names are frequently mentioned due to their connections to Florida State and to Jimbo Fisher, their youth, and their relative success at their current schools. However, they have also been discussed ad nauseum for the past 15 months within the Seminole community. After the jump, I will offer a few other possibilities that Jimbo Fisher may look at when considering his new defensive staff.

Keep in mind, the hiring of friends and previous coworkers is not in and of itself a problem. The hiring of unqualified friends and coworkers is the problem. Bobby Bowden's mistakes were hiring son Jeff Bowden as OC when he had demonstrated little if any gameplanning ability and certainly nothing resembling the qualifications of an elite offensive coordinator. He made the mistake of handing the LB job to Chuck Amato without a proper search and allowing Chuck to coast. The following candidates represent talented and effective coaches who are more than just friends of Jimbo Fisher. Keep in mind that the three most effective assistants on Florida State's staff (Coley, Trickett, and Dawsey) were hired due to their: A) abilities as coaches (including age. The potential coach must be born after 1958. FSU has the oldest coaching staff in the nation and that stigma has hurt recruiting some as the old coaches simply don't relate to the recruits. Any coach older than 52 on Jan 1 2010 is excluded) and B) previous connections to Jimbo Fisher.

Disclaimer: This purpose of this post is not to suggest I have any "inside" information about who Jimbo will hire. The Diaz and Hudson rumors were born out of internet speculation, not through any public statements from Jimbo Fisher himself. I merely wish to highlight a few successful defensive coaches who have worked with Jimbo and/or Florida State in the past and might be open to doing so again. Universities frequently hire search committees when looking for new coaching, consider this post your official TomahawkNation search committee.

Disclaimer 2, Electric Boogaloo: As I said before, this article doesn't suggest that this process is guaranteed to happen this off-season. I personally believe it will in some fashion, but I cannot say for certain.

In order to gauge how much money Florida State is willing to spend, let's first look at the current salaries of the 10 football coaches. (source)

Head coach Bobby Bowden: $2.435 million

Offensive coordinator Jimbo Fisher: $630,375

Defensive coordinator Mickey Andrews: $315,105

No. 1 assistant Chuck Amato, linebackers: $305,000

No. 2 assistant Rick Trickett, offensive line: $300,000

No. 3 assistant Odell Haggins, defensive line: $200,000

No. 4 assistant James Coley, tight ends: $190,000

No. 5 assistant Jody Allen, defensive ends: $140,000

No. 6 assistant Lawrence Dawsey, wide receivers: $135,000

No. 7 assistant Dexter Carter, running backs: $130,000

I believe it is too much to expect from the Boosters to continue this level of expenditure following Bobby Bowden's retirement. So do not expect to suddenly have $2.5 million in available funds. However, I do not think it's unreasonable to expect to keep $1.5 million of these funds in the system. Of that $1.5 million, $600-$800K should probably be expected to go to Jimbo Fisher, putting him on par with most of the ACC at about $1.2-1.4 million. As a point of reference, first time Head Coach Dabo Swinney was given a $1 million dollar deal with several additional financial incentives based on team performance last offseason.

I personally believe Rick Trickett and James Coley deserve a raise of about $100K each. Trickett is one of the best OL coaches in the country, he has turned the Seminoles' offensive line around, and FSU cannot throw him out because of 2 sub-par performances this season. He is a top assistant and Florida State should pay him as such. James Coley is the hardest worker on this staff and will probably be the next offensive coordinator. I do not think it unreasonable for Florida State to pay this type of coach $300K.

Dawsey deserves a raise, probably about 50K. Carter will almost certainly not be retained, so expect another 150-200K needed for a RB coach.

Based on best guess estimates, it will take about $1.05 million in raises for the current offensive coaches to get them to a market value salary.

All in all, I would expect no more than $1.45 million dollars available for a defensive staff (currently spend $1 million, plus an additional $450K of Bobby Bowden's old salary).

Qualifications to be mentioned in this article:

Has previously worked with Jimbo Fisher or Florida State University
Has experience coaching defense

Special consideration to coaches who:

Are under the age of 50
Are African American (for recruiting and diversity)
Are familiar with bigtime college football
Have NFL experience
Have previously worked with prominent defensive coaches in their careers

So who out there meets these qualifications and might be someone Jimbo Fisher could target for Florida State's new defensive staff?

Kirby Smart- Defensive Coordinator, Alabama

Age: 33 years old

Connected to: Jimbo Fisher- Smart was a DB coach for the 2004 LSU team. Florida State- He was also a graduate assistant at FSU in 2002 and 2003.

Coaching Experience: Valdosta State DB coach (2000), Valdosta State Defensive Coordinator (2001), Florida State Graduate Assistant (2002-2003), LSU DB coach (2004), UGA RB Coach (2005), Miami Dolphins Safeties coach (2006), Alabama DB coach (2007), Alabama Defensive Coordinator (2008-present)

Coached with: Mickey Andrews, Nick Saban, Kevin Steele

Current Salary: Reportedly earns between $360,000 and $400,000 over the next 3 seasons.

Can he coach? Absolutely. Smart is probably one of the best young defensive coordinators in the game. I can't honestly say how much of Alabama's defensive success is due to Smart and how much is due to Saban, but let's put it this way: Nick Saban would not hire someone to be his Defensive Coordinator if he was not a good coach.

Can he recruit? This season, Rivals lists Smart as the primary recruiter for 1 Five Star, 3 Four Star, and 2 Three Star recruits. Last year he signed 2 Four Star and 2 Three Star recruits, and was the primary Alabama recruiter for Greg Reid and Jacobbi McDaniel(keep in mind Reid almost went to Alabama). He is young and the reputation of Alabama's defense would attract top prospects. If FSU has any chance to get back the Corey Millers, Brandon Willis', Jeff Lucs of the world, Smart is probably the one who could do it.

Should FSU want him? Umm... yes. Florida State should want him very badly. Probably the most likely person on this list to "save" the 2010 recruiting class. In addition to recruiting talent, Smart has the experience necessary to put a defensive product on the field in the 2010 season that would not lose games for us (allowing what should be a phenomenal offense to carry us) and a defense in 2011 that could very well lead to BCS bowl aspirations.

Could FSU get him? Possibly. Florida State has some things going for it in this situation. Smart has been in Tallahassee before (maybe he loves the area). He is from Bainbridge, GA, which is only 30 minutes away from Tallahassee. His folks still live there. No matter what happens at Alabama, it will always be "Nick Saban's Defense." Smart needs to make his own name eventually. Kevin Steele learned that when things go well on defense in Alabama, it is because of Nick Saban. When things go poorly, the Defensive Coordinator gets fired or demoted. Saban is also reportedly a very difficult boss to work for, so maybe Kirby wants to free himself. Regardless, it would take at least $500K annually for him to consider moving to Tallahassee.

If Smart comes here, FSU should only expect to keep him for 1-3 years as he would definitely look to secure a head coaching position.

Greg Hudson- Defensive Coordinator, ECU

Age: 42 years old

Connected to: Jimbo Fisher - Coached together for the Cincinnati Bearcats in 1999.

Coaching Experience: Graduate assistant Notre Dame (1993), OL coach UConn (1994-1996), LB coach Cincinnati (1997-2000), LB coach Minnesota Gophers (2001-2002), Defensive Coordinator Minnesota Gophers (2003-2004), Defensive Coordinator and LB coach ECU (2005-present)

Coached with: Lou Holtz, Rick Minter, Glen Mason

Current Salary: ECU Head Coach Skip Holtz's reported salary this season is $1.16 million dollars. Hudson likely earns no more than $300,000 as ECU's top assistant and best friend to the Head Coach.

Can he coach? Hudson really burst onto the Florida State radar following ECU's consecutive upsets of nationally ranked teams to begin the 2008 season. ECU's defense held Virginia Tech's offense to under 250 total yards in the season opener. The following week, ECU was able to shut down a potent West Virginia offense, allowing just 3 points and holding Pat White under 100 yards passing while giving up only 251 total yards. In the Conference USA championship game, ECU held Tulsa (the nation's top offense in yards per game) 170 yards under their season average. Last season, Hudson demonstrated he could put together a decent gameplan against teams with more talented athletes in addition to containing complex passing offenses and the spread-option game.

This season, however, ECU has allowed 24.2 points per game, allowed over 500 yards total offense against West Virginia in a 35-20 loss, and allowed a struggling UNC offense to score 31 points. Let us not assume Hudson is a miracle worker that will succeed at everything.

Can he recruit? Hudson appears to have very few established recruiting connections in Florida and south Georgia. His name will not immediately resonate with players enough to "save" the 2010 recruiting class. Rivals does not list him as the primary recruiter for any of ECU's current prospects. He is, however, young and energetic and has the potential to attract players after a few successful seasons.

Should FSU want him? Hudson seems to be a very good coach and could be very successful at Florida State. However I believe there should be other candidates on the list who are contacted before Hudson becomes the top target.

Could FSU get him? Hudson and ECU Head Coach Skip Holtz have a close relationship dating back to Hudson's playing career at Notre Dame. It is believed that Holtz considers Notre Dame to be his dream job, and he would probably bring Hudson along as his Defensive Coordinator (although this scenario seems less likely now than it did in 2008 when the Pirates defeated consecutive ranked opponents). Hudson also has head coaching aspirations, so should Holtz move on, Hudson could potentially be a candidate to replace him at ECU. However, Florida State could definitely afford his salary, he is familiar with Jimbo Fisher, and Florida State (regardless of its issues) is a step up from East Carolina. Given our financial situation, I definitely believe FSU can afford his salary. It comes down to how loyal he is to Holtz, where he believes he can be a Head Coach sooner, and how hard Florida State pursues him.

Sal Sunseri- Inside Linebackers coach, Alabama

Age: 50 years old

Connected to: Jimbo Fisher- Sunseri coached at LSU in 2000.

Coaching Experience: DL and LB coach Pittsburgh Panthers(1985-1992), Head Coach Iowa Wesleyan (1993), Defensive Coordinator Illinois St. (1994), LB coach Louisville (1995-1997), Defensive Coordinator Alabama A&M (1998-1999), LB coach LSU (2000), LB coach Michigan State (2001), DL coach Carolina Panthers (2002-2008), ILB coach Alabama (2009-present)

Coached with: Nick Saban, John Fox

Current Salary: Between $325,000 and $350,000 over the next 3 seasons.

Can he coach? Let's put it this way, Nick Saban and John Fox don't hire coaches if they don't believe they can coach. Sunseri's defensive lines performed well with the Panthers, it is rumored that personality conflicts between him and Julius Peppers led to his eventual release (he wasn't really fired or released, but the handwriting was on the wall before he took the Alabama job).

Can he recruit? Another guy who could sell his pedigree, Sunseri is at worst a candidate who could develop a successful defense while being surroundec by top recruiters. Rivals currently lists him as the top recruiter for 2 Four Star and 1 Three Star commit.

Should FSU want him? Sunseri is a very good coach and Florida State would be lucky to have him. However, he and Jimbo only spent one season together at LSU, so I do not know that they have the closest relationship. I would target Kirby Smart before Sunseri if I were looking at Alabama's staff.

Could FSU get him? Sunseri is paid very well for a position coach. Florida State is not likely to be able to match his salary unless he is made the Defensive Coordinator. If Florida State were able to attract Kirby Smart, there is the potential that Sunseri could come as a position coach, but in that scenario it is probably more likely that Sunseri is promoted within the Alabama staff.

Karl Dunbar- Defensive Line coach, Minnesota Vikings

Age: 42 years old

Connected to: Jimbo Fisher- Dunbar was the S&C coach at LSU in 2000-2001 and he coached the defensive line at LSU in 2005.

Coaching Experience: DL coach Nicholls State (1998-1999), Strength and Conditioning coach LSU (2000-2001), DL coach Oklahoma State (2002-2003), DL coach Chicago Bears (2004), DL coach LSU (2005), DL coach Minnesota Vikings (2006-present)

Coached with: Nick Saban, Lovie Smith

Current Salary: Probably between $300,000 and $400,000.

Can he coach? "You don't get hired by Nick Saban and Lovie Smith if you can't coach." Granted, Saban only hired him as a S&C coach in 2000. However, the Vikings' defensive line has been one of the best in the NFL under Dunbar's leadership.

Can he recruit? Has all the qualities to potentially be a great recruiter. Has an NFL and SEC pedigree, is young, and is a successful coach. Kids love the NFL pedigree.

Should FSU want him? Dunbar would be a great hire should Jimbo choose not to retain Odell Haggins. Dunbar could be trusted with the entire defensive line, freeing up an additional coaching position.

Could FSU get him? Dunbar is extremely involved in the Minneapolis community. As an NFL assistant, he is also paid very well. FSU probably does not have the funds to bring him here as a position coach. I also do not think that Dunbar would take a step down.

Travis Jones- Defensive Line coach, New Orleans Saints(recruiting coordinator at LSU 2003-2004)

Age: mid 30s

Connected to: Jimbo Fisher- Travis coached at LSU in 2003-2004

Coaching Experience: Graduate Assistant Georgia (1997), LB coach/Recruiting Coordinator Appalachian State (1998-2000), DL coach Kansas (2001-2002), DL coach/Recruiting Coordinator LSU (2003-2004), Assistant DL coach Miami Dolphins (2005-2007), Assistant DL coach New Orleans Saints (2008-2009)

Coached with: Nick Saban

Current Salary: As an assistant position coach in the NFL, Jones probably earns between $150,000 and $300,000.

Can he coach? LSU's defensive line was the strength of their defense in 2003-2004. Was able to coach complex zone blitz schemes to players like Chad Lavalais and Marcus Spears that helped to win the 2003 BCS Championship. Has produced some of the best defenses in the NFL in terms of sacks since 2005.

Can he recruit? Was the recruiting coordinator for Rivals' top ranked 2003 class. Add in his NFL experience and Jones would make a great recruiter.

Should FSU want him? Jones would be an excellent addition to the staff as a DL coach should Odell be let go or as an OLB coach in a 3-4 system.

Could FSU get him? Florida State could probably afford him, but I do not know about other circumstances (is he happy in the NFL, does he like the New Orleans area, etc).

Reggie Herring- Linebackers coach, Dallas Cowboys

Age: 50 years old

Connected to: Florida State- Reggie played linebacker at FSU in the late 70s/early 80s.

Coaching Experience: Graduate Assistant Oklahoma State (1981), LB coach Oklahoma State (1982-1985), Linebacker coach Auburn (1986-1991), Defensive Coordinator TCU (1992-1993), Linebacker coach Clemson (1994-1996), Defensive Coordinator Clemson (1997-2001), Linebacker coach Houston Texans (2002-2003), Defensive Coordinator NC State (2004), Defensive Coordinator Arkansas (2005-2007), Linebacker coach Dallas Cowboys (2008-present)

Coached with: Dom Capers, Pat Dye, Wade Phillips (not a terrible Xs and Os guy... just not a head coach)

Current Salary: Herring would have made $300,000 had he stayed at Texas A&M in 2008, but left for the Dallas Cowboys. Jerry Jones has deep pockets. I'd speculate he earns somewhere between $300,000 and $500,000.

Can he coach? In a word, yes. Herring was the Defensive Coordinator of the top ranked NC State defense in 2004. In 2005 at Arkansas his defense averaged 24.6 ppg allowed (drops to 20.1 if you take out the 70 points allowed to USC). He coaches an extremely talented and successful group of linebackers with the Cowboys that includes sack machine DeMarcus Ware. However, while at Arkansas, Herring ran a man-free defensive scheme. I vividly remember UF exploiting this in the 2006 SEC Championship game.

Can he recruit? Herring has an impressive pedigree that he can sell to recruits. I do not know, however, if he is an effective salesman in recruits' homes. If nothing else, FSU could surround him with talented recruiters and allow him to develop successful schemes.

Should FSU want him? Herring would be a very valuable addition to the staff. He has proven he has the ability to gameplan and prepare to face top competition week in and week out. He has been successful at both the collegiate and professional level. Additionally, he is familiar previous potential candidate, Manny Diaz, from their time at NC State, so the two may not mind working together again.

Could FSU get him? Herring may want to return his alma mater to its former glory. Additionally, he may want to remove himself from the Jerry Jones circus. Florida State's biggest problem is that its circus doesn't pay nearly as well as Jerry's. I believe it would take a sizeable salary to attract Reggie.

Tim Walton- Secondary coach, Detroit Lions

Age: late 30s

Connected to: Jimbo Fisher- Walton coached at LSU in 2003.

Coaching Experience: Graduate Assistant Bowling Green (1995), RB coach Bowling Green (1996-1998), DB coach Bowling Green (1999), DB coach Memphis Tigers(2000-2001), DB coach Syracuse (2002), DB coach LSU (2003), DB coach Miami Hurricanes (2004-2007), Defensive Coordinator Miami Hurricanes (2007), Defensive Coordinator Memphis Tigers (2008), DB coach Detroit Lions (2009-present)

Coached with: Nick Saban, Randy Shannon

Current Salary: Based on league-wide salary trends, probably between $300,000 and $400,000.

Can he coach? Walton is an effective position coach, as evidence by his long career and his experience at high level programs and with high level coaches. He is probably not a good candidate for defensive coordinator, as his time at Miami was extremely...ummm... "rocky."

Can he recruit? Walton is a relatively young coach with NFL experience. These are exactly the type of qualities that attract recruits.

Should FSU want him? Honestly? Probably not. He is listed here for completeness, as he is coach who has worked with Fisher before. I also do not believe FSU should be in the practice of hiring our rivals' re-treads. It has worked before (Mickey Andrews), but lightening doesn't generally strike twice.

Could FSU get him? It would take more money to get him here than Florida State should probably be willing to pay him.

Rick Minter- Defensive Coordinator, Marshall

Age: 55 years old

Connected to: Jimbo Fisher- Minter hired Jimbo while the Head Coach of the Cincy Bearcats

Coaching Experience: DE coach Louisiana Tech (1979), OLB coach NC State (1980-1982), LB coach New Mexico State (1985-1991), Defensive Coordinator Notre Dame (1992-1993), Head Coach Cincinnati Bearcats (1994-2003), Defensive Coordinator South Carolina (2004), Defensive Coordinator Notre Dame (2005-2006), Defensive Coordinator Marshall (2008-present)

Coached with: Lou Holtz, Charlie Weiss (shows he has experience working at schools where offense is the focus)

Current Salary: Marshall's Head coach reportedly earns $500,000 a year. Minter probably does not make more than $250,000.

Can he coach? Minter was the only Defensive Coordinator who seemed to have an answer for Charlie Ward in 1993, so that says something (give an assist to the Notre Dame grounds-crew on that one as well). He was an effective Head Coach for several seasons in Cincinnati, leading them to 4 bowls in his 10 years. He produced a top 20 defense against the pass and the run in 2004 at South Carolina. However, some of his defenses at Notre Dame under Charlie Weiss were less than stellar and he was let go following the 2006 season.

Can he recruit? The name "Rick Minter" isn't likely to resonate with Florida and Georgia recruits. If Minter were to be hired, Florida State would have to surround Minter with gifted recruiters and hope he could create an extremely high caliber defense that in itself would attract players.

Should FSU want him? Minter could be on a list of Defensive Coordinator candidates, but he probably shouldn't be at the top of that list. He is a good coach, but in my opinion is not familiar enough with the area to effectively recruit. I also fear that he could potentially have problems taking orders from a man he once hired as an assistant.

Could FSU get him? If FSU really went after him, I believe the Noles could sway him away from Marshall.

NFL

Fisher coached in the league and there are major rumblings that he will look to the league for his next DC if he is unable to get Kirby Smart. I think the safe money is on Smart and if not Smart, then to the NFL for a young motivated NFL assistant looking to gain more exposure.

Potential Assistants

Manny Diaz- Defensive Coordinator, Middle Tennessee State

Age: mid 30s

Connected to: Florida State- Manny was a graduate assistant at FSU in 1998 and 1999.

Coaching Experience: Graduate Assistant Florida State (1998-1999), Graduate Assistant NC State (2000-2001), LB coach NC State (2002-2003), Safeties coach NC State (2004-2005), Defensive Coordinator Middle Tennessee State (2006-present)

Coached with: Mickey Andrews, Chuck Amato (that used to mean something), Reggie Herring

Current Salary: Middle Tennessee State Head Coach Rick Stockstill reportedly earns $300,000 annually. If I had to guess, Diaz probably earns no more than $150,000.

Can he coach? He helped NC State's defense be the top ranked unit in the country in 2004. They held Florida State and Ohio State each under 130 yards total offense that season. As special teams coach, his team blocked three kicks and returned 2 for touchdowns that season. Middle Tennessee State gave up only 361 yards to Clemson's offense in the season opener this year, and the defense was only responsible for 23 points allowed. His defenses at MTSU have average about 25 ppg allowed, but he has shown an ability to coach against teams with superior athletes (eg, Maryland in consecutive years, Clemson this season).

Can he recruit? Diaz is the son of current Miami Mayor Manny Diaz, Sr. He is under 40 and energetic. He has the potential to be another James Coley on the recruiting trail.

Should FSU want him? Definitely. His ability as a coach, potential as a major recruiter, and relative cost compared to other options make him an unbelievably attractive candidate. He could also serve a variety of roles here: LB coach, safeties coach, special teams coordinator, and/or recruiting coordinator when Coley moves to OC. Personally, I want him in our new defensive coaching staff, but perhaps not as defensive coordinator. Diaz as a position coach under a talented DC could return our defense to prominence very quickly.

Could FSU get him? FrankDNole says Manny would come for 2 bags of chips and bus fare. Florida State could definitely get him for less money than other options, Florida State would probably be extremely attractive for him given his previous experience in Tallahassee. He'd be moving closer to home. And FSU is definitely a step forward in his coaching career from MTSU. Diaz isn't a top target for DC, but he should definitely be looked at as a position coach. It will be up to him to decide if position coach at FSU with potential for advancement is more attractive than DC at MTSU.

Chris Demarest- Head Coach and Athletic Director, Hudson Catholic High School

Age: 44 years old

Connected to: Florida State- Chris was a graduate assistant at FSU in the late 90s.

Coaching Experience: Graduate Assistant Rutgers (1989), ECU (1990), Northeastern (1991-1992), East Stroudsberg (1993), Millersville (1994), Lehigh (1994-97) Graduate Assistant Florida State (1998-1999), DB coach NC State (2000-2003), DB coach Rutgers (2004-2007)

Coached with: Mickey Andrews, Greg Schiano

Current Salary: Can't possibly be making over $100,000

Can he coach? Demarest was a part of the successful NC State defenses earlier in this decade. Additionally, when Rutgers was still on the rise, he was tapped as Greg Schiano's right hand man. He has the potential to be a very good defensive assistant.

Can he recruit? Another potential James Coley on the recruiting trail, he was one of Rutgers' best recruiters in his tenure there. "Demo" recruited the fertile South Florida area for Rutgers. Had some off the field issues that will be used against him on the recruiting trail at a major university. (He was charged with violence during an argument with his girlfriend. All charges were dropped but the allegations proved too strong for him to keep his job at Rutgers. This is all we should say about this situation in fairness to Demarest.)

Should FSU want him? There are probably other less risky options out there, but Demarest would be a very good hire. I wouldn't put him at the top of my wish-list as a defensive coordinator, but he would be on it somewhere. He would be an excellent position coach.

Could FSU get him? I have to believe most definitely. He is looking for a school to give him a chance.

Terrell Buckley- Graduate Assistant for Defensive Backs, Florida State

Age: 38 years old

Connected to: Umm... duh. Florida State- TBuck was a superstar defensive back at FSU in the early 90s and has been an S&C coach and Graduate Assistant since 2006. Jimbo Fisher- TBuck has worked with Jimbo since joining the staff in 2007.

Coaching Experience: Assistant Strength and Conditioning coach Florida State (2007), Graduate Assistant Florida State (2008-present)

Coached with: Mickey Andrews

Current Salary: TBuck is probably still counting his NFL millions. He is technically not currently a paid coach.

Can he coach? This somewhat remains to be seen. He has been a graduate assistant and a strength and conditioning coach here, but not a full time assistant. He should not be considered for anything more than a CB coach (and maybe a Safeties coach as well).

Can he recruit? Has the potential to be a great recruiter. Several 2010 prospects mention that he has been suggested as the replacement for Mickey Andrews as DB coach. TBuck could play an important role in the recruitment of 5 Star Lamarcus Joyner.

Should FSU want him? Buckley would be a great addition to the defensive staff as a CB coach. And if he helps to bring in Lamarcus Joyner then it is worth it.

Could FSU get him? Yes. If Jimbo Fisher wants TBuck on this staff, TBuck will be on this staff.

Possible Offensive Assistants

Roy Anderson- Defensive Assistant, Baltimore Ravens

Age: 30 years old

Connected to: Florida State- Anderson was born in Tallahassee, attended Godby High, and was a Graduate Assistant at Florida State in 2003. Jimbo Fisher- Anderson was also a graduate assistant at LSU in 2004.

Coaching Experience: Graduate Assistant FAMU (2002), Graduate Assistant Florida State (2003), Graduate Assistant LSU (2004), Scouting and Personnel Assistant Baltimore Ravens (2005-2008), Defensive Quality Control assistant for DL Baltimore Ravens (2008), Assistant DL coach Baltimore Ravens (2009)

Coached with: Jimbo Fisher, Brian Billick, Rex Ryan

Current Salary: As a first year assistant position coach, Anderson probably earns upwards of $150,000.

Can he coach? Has proven to be a very talented assistant in his short time. His quality control work has helped the Baltimore defensive line maintain their status as one of the best in the NFL.

Can he recruit? Has all the elements to potentially be a great recruiter. I additionally like the fact that he is a Godby graduate. He can recruit the Tallahassee area very well. In addition, he can provide leadership by example for recruits who may not come from the best academic background.

Should FSU want him? Anderson has become my personal flavor of the month coach. In my opinion, he would make a great candidate for Florida State's +1 coach they get when Bobby Bowden leaves. His potential as a recruiter and an assistant is off the charts (think Lawrence Dawsey minus the playing career plus NFL coaching experience with a great organization).

Could FSU get him? Tallahassee is his home town. Florida State could offer more than he makes as an assistant position coach. FSU could probably get him.

Dameyune Craig- WR Coach, University of South Alabama

Age: 35 years old

Connected to: Jimbo Fisher- Craig played for Fisher at Auburn and was a graduate assistant at LSU in 2004.

Coaching Experience: Assistant Coach, Blount High School (2003), Graduate Assistant LSU(2004), Special Teams Assistant Miami Dolphins (2005), QB Coach Tuskegee University (2006-2007), WR coach University of South Alabama (2008-current)

Coached with: Jimbo Fisher, Terry Bowden, Nick Saban

Current Salary: Probably less than $100,000.

Can he coach? "Nick Saban doesn't hire guys who can't coach."

Can he recruit? Craig has the playing and coaching pedigree that can sell a lot of recruits.

Should FSU want him? Absolutely. Craig is definitely a Fisher guy, he is a young coach who can relate to recruits, and has demonstrated enough coaching ability.

Could FSU get him? Yes. Craig has followed Fisher at least two times in his career, I doubt he'd mind doing it again. FSU is definitely a step up from USA and he will earn much more here.

Many expect Craig on this staff.

Leroy Ryals- Head Coach, Clarke Central High School Athens, GA

Age: 39 years old

Connected to: Jimbo Fisher- Ryals was the tight ends coach and assistant special teams coordinator at LSU in 2004.

Coaching Experience: Assistant Coach Booker (Sarasota) High School (1990-1993), Head Coach Booker (Sarasota) High School (1994-2000), Running Backs Coach University of South Florida (2001-2003), Tight Ends coach LSU(2004), Head Coach Clarke Central (Athens, GA) (2005-current)

Coached with: Jimbo Fisher, Nick Saban, Lawrence Dawsey, James Coley

Current Salary: Probably less than $100,000.

Can he coach? Ryals has been regarded as a very good high school coach. He was named the Sarasota Herald-Tribune Coach of the Year in 1999. He also served as a coach in the Florida-Georgia High School All-Star game in 1997 and 2000. The main reason he only served one year at LSU is because Les Miles brought in his own staff from Oklahoma State.

Can he recruit? Had a solid reputation as a recruiter while coaching in college and he has established ties to South Florida and Georgia.

Should FSU want him? Depends on how many offensive assistants FSU is looking for in the offseason. Ryals would make an excellent addition to the staff.

Could FSU get him? Florida State could definitely afford to pay his salary. The sticking point could be whether or not Ryals prefers the high school game to college.

MattDNole's Dream Scenario

We know that Mickey is retiring. We know that Chuck and Jody are gone the moment after. Dexter Carter may or may not be in FSU's future plans. Odell's future is probably still up in the air. If (and we stress if) they were all let go, what kind of staff could Florida State get with $1.4 million dollars?

CB coach: Chris Demarest- $170,000 annually

Some point to Terrell Buckley as the only chance to save Florida State's chances with Lamarcus Joyner. I think Demarest is a distinct possibility here and might be a better hire for the future, regardless of Joyner's decision (hopefully he would like the Demarest choice though as we need LJ very much). Plus, Joyner reportedly is tight with Coley already.

Defensive Coordinator/Safeties coach: Kirby Smart- $500,000 annually

It would take a check this big to get Smart to come to Florida State, in my opinion. Smart has experience coaching safeties already, so he could coach them here allowing TBuck to focus on the position he knows. Smart could also coach linebackers if Manny Diaz is hired to coach safeties. Jimbo would have to sell Smart on the opportunity to prove himself away from Nick Saban's shadow.

LB coach/Special Teams Coordinator: Manny Diaz- $160,000 annually

This is probably more than Diaz earns at MTSU and represents market value for a coach with his potential. Diaz should be targeted regardless of his limited personal connections with Jimbo Fisher or the other members of this staff. If Diaz is brought in as a position coach under Kirby Smart, he could be groomed to take over the DC position if Smart were to leave for a head coaching job in the coming years.

DL coach/Recruiting Coordinator: Travis Jones - $200,000 annually

I assume that Coley will give up RC duties when he becomes the Offensive Coordinator. Best combination of coaching and recruiting on the defensive line. Jones and Smart worked together at LSU and with the Miami Dolphins, so they would be familiar with each other. Jones is my dream candidate if Florida State is actually looking for a new DL coach, but I personally think Odell should be kept on for at least one season to see if he can work with the new staff. Consider it a probationary period to see if he can be effective in a different system. Keeping Odell would also help keep many of Florida State's current commitments. Side note: FSU might have enough cash to throw at John Blake, but I doubt he would leave Butch Davis at UNC.

RB Coach: Dameyune Craig - $130,000 annually

Tons of potential as a position coach, Florida State could get him cheap, and he would fit comfortably with Jimbo Fisher. Also, don't forget: recruiting, recruiting, recruiting. One of the first priorities for a RB coach is his ability to recruit. I believe FSUncensored has mentioned that Fisher and Trickett teach FSU's backs the system.

+1 coach: Roy Anderson- $150,000 annually

I am not sure that Jimbo will give up coaching QBs when he becomes Head Coach. As a result, Florida State will gain an extra position coach of its choice. Anderson could help coach receivers, quarterbacks, or tight ends. He additionally has experience as a quality control and self scouting coach on defense. Demarest could also be brought in as the +1 coach if TBuck is retained, be named Recruiting Coordinator and/or Special Teams coach.

The total cost for the new coaches would be $1.31 million dollars. As a result, this "dream staff" would cost about $1.2 million dollars LESS than the current staff with Bobby Bowden's $2.5 million salary. I would also argue that the results on the field would be much improved.

Also keep in mind that Florida State could potentially have a lot more money available than what I assumed they will have. There are rumors of boosters waiting to make huge contributions once they are confident the necessary chances are complete.

So how quickly could this happen? Here is a timetable for when these coaches would probably be available:

Buckley- TBuck could be hired tomorrow if FSU had an open position.

Smart- Alabama is almost a lock to be in a January bowl, and potentially a BCS bowl. Communications could be made throughout December, but it would really be Nick Saban's decision as to whether or not Smart would coach Alabama through the bowl game (see: Richt, Mark and Pelini, Bo). Best case scenario if Smart is FSU's man is that the deal gets done in late December and he hits the ground in early to mid January.

Diaz- Middle Tennessee State is currently 3-2 and is fourth in their conference. However, the Sun Belt is typically a "one bid league" to use basketball terminology. If the Raiders do make a bowl game, it is likely to be the New Orleans Bowl held on December 20.

Jones- The Saints are crushing right now. Jones may not be available until February.

Craig- USA still plays provisional football as they try to develop their program. Their season ends on November 12.

Anderson- Anderson probably wouldn't be available until January or February.

Demarest- Hudson Catholic's season ends on November 26th.

I know someone will bring up the name Derrick Brooks. SWFLNole has been adamant that Brooks is on to bigger and better things. So, most likely not.

Based on this timetable, I would not expect Florida State to get back recruits like Corey Miller, or Brandon Willis. I believe that ship has officially sailed. However, they would still have a great shot with Lamarcus Joyner, Christian Green, Jeff Luc, and Christian Jones and very outside chances at Corey Lemonier, et al.

Keep in mind this is just a suggestion, and this list is merely meant to give you an idea of who is out there. There are also countless other potential coaches that Florida State could hire that do not have a previous connection to Jimbo Fisher or Florida State University. Florida State has the potential to put together a great staff once it starts cutting loose some of the dead weight.

Offbeat Friday: Chuck Amato sings ABBA in order to get the Florida State Defensive Coordinator Job

MattDNole — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 16:32:01 -0000

In an attempt to bury the hatchet with much-maligned Linebacker coach, Chuck Amato, I decided to help him pen a song that would hopefully help win him Jimbo Fisher's affections as well as the Defensive Coordinator position. Follow the jump for Chuck's earnest plea, as written by me.

(There are rumblings that some of our readers are still having a tough time with "the jump." Let me make it really clear- just below here there is a link that says "Continue reading this post." Spoiler alert: if you click there.... you can continue reading!! Hope that clears everything up now.)

Music: ABBA

Lyrics: Chuck Amato and MattDNole

If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free
Let me be DC.

If you think I'm not too old, then I've got you set
If you choose to let me coach, must have lost a bet
If you need a coach, who can drink the whole Draino
Honey I'm still free
Let me be DC
Gonna do my very best, and it ain't no lie
I would let you touch my chest, if you let me try

Let me be DC
(that's all I ask of you Jimbo)
Let me be DC

We can go shopping, we can clean lockers, as long as were together
We can start napping, watch tape of Wisconsin, who can coach you better?
Cuz you know I've got
So much that I wanna do, when I dream I'm coaching you
It's magic
I can teach you to execute, help pick out pretty shoes
But I think you know
That I just can't coach.

If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free
Let me be DC.

If you like your LBs small, then I'm the right man
If they just can't find the ball, keep me in your plans
If you need a coach, who can not recruit at all
Honey I'm still free
Let me be DC
Gonna put in some effort, and it aint no lie
I would keep my hours short, prolly gone by five.

Let me be DC
(come on, give me a break will you? )
Let me be DC

Or you can take your time Bobby, I'm in no hurry, know I'm gonna outlive you
If you don't wanna fight me, Jimbo don't worry, I'll sneak up and get you
Let me tell you now
My coaching's bad enough to make the whole team suck
Its magic
You say that I waste my time, your control I'll undermine
Please don't let me go
Cuz I just can't coach

If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free
Let me be DC.

(take a chance, take a chance, take a chance on me)

Boo boo boo boo boob, boo boo boo boo boob
Honey Im still free
Let me be DC
Gonna do my very best, Jimbo don't fire me
That I'm good ole Chuck the Chest, take a chance on me
(take a chance, take a chance, take a chance on me)

Boo boo boo boo boob, boo boo boo boo boob
Honey Im still free
Let me be DC....

A Real Statistical Analysis of Jimbo Fisher v. Jeff Bowden: A Response to Andrew Carter's Article

MattDNole — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 19:01:12 -0000

What happens when a Statistician tries to be a comedian on a Florida State blog?

What happens when he lets other guys do the stats and just tries to make funny posts?

What happens when he doesn't hold other FSU writers to a higher level of statistical analysis and lets dumb posts go?

This happens. (I should clarify that Andrew Carter has been a good beat writer, has a good sense of humor, and generally does good work)

Inside this story, you find the reaction of TomahawkNation's premier Statistician-turned-comedian to this obvious well-researched and well thought-out article from our friend Andrew Carter.

My initial reaction?

Mr. Carter should probably leave the statistics to the statisticians. But hey, if he can pass himself off as a Stat guy, I guess I can pretend to be a real writer. So what would happen if I analyzed his writing line by line, FJM style?

"Florida State fans greeted Jeff Bowden’s resignation during the 2006 season with both relief and jubilation."

I also bought a pony. It died. Thanks for reminding me Andrew. Jerk.

I believe it was also greeted by a temper tantrum from a really old head coach.

"It was Bowden, the former Seminoles offensive coordinator, who’d received the brunt of blame from fans and media for the Seminoles’ decline from dominance earlier this decade. And his departure at the end of the ’06 season – a departure that led the arrival of almost an entirely new offensive coaching staff – was supposed to solve the Seminoles’ problems."

I'm hooked Andrew. This article looks like it's going to be good. Nothing scary about this one. Nope. Nope. Nope.

"Or so many thought."

Ok, that's just a well-constructed sentence right there.

This is the point in the ride where Andrew takes us off the main track down the "spooky" trail. The Disney puppets are yelling at you to turn back, AC!! Listen to them!!!

"Since Jimbo Fisher’s arrival in January 2007, the Seminoles’ offensive has improved. But has it improved as much as you think?"

Ancient Chinese Proverb about blogs: "Man who straddles fence usually has problem with posts."

This philosophy has the potential to revolutionize your every day life.

I just had the most delicious spaghetti dinner I've ever had. But could it have been more delicious?
Jessica Alba is insanely hot. But is she hot enough?
I just won the Powerball. But can I really make due with only $20 million?

"Fisher has been at Florida State now for 31 games. And his first 31 games bear a resemblance to Bowden’s final 31 games."

Steps in the Sentinel Scientific Method

Get marching orders from Terry Bowden
Make ridiculous claim
Hope and pray to find something that backs you up
Pat yourself on the back

Let me see, there are several similarities between Jeff's last 31 games and Jimbo's first 31. First of all, there are 31 of each. Incredibly convenient. Secondly, in each case the sport of football was played. So we've got that going for us. Lastly, did you know that during this time period Bowden had a secretary named Fisher and Fisher had a secretary named Bowden?!?!* Freaky, right?!!

*Facts are subject to change without notice and may or may not be reliable. Facts may not be reproduced, reused, rewritten, or re-disseminated without the express written consent of MattDNole, Inc and the Office of the Commissioner of Baseball.

"In Fisher’s first 31 games, FSU is 18-13. In Bowden’s final 31 games, FSU was 18-13."

You got me AC, I'm hooked. I mean, they played the exact same teams so if they finished with the same record it must mean they are similar. Oh wait. You mean they didn't play the same teams?

Bowden's last 31 games: 20 opponents with winning or .500 records, 20 bowl teams

Fisher's first 31 games: 23 opponents with winning or .500 records, 22 bowl teams

About 10% more of Fisher's games were played against teams with winning records.

(How's THAT for soft statistical analysis?!)

"In Fisher’s first 31 games, FSU has a 9-9 record in the ACC. In Bowden’s final 31 games, FSU had a 10-9 record in the ACC – 11-9 if you include FSU’s victory against Virginia Tech in the 2005 ACC Championship."

You spin me right round baby right round.....

Again with the quality reporting. Nevermind the fact that three of Bowden's ACC wins came against Duke and one against a 4-7 Wake Forest team (that won 30-0 the following year). If we're throwing those games out because the teams were terrible, we have to be fair. Bowden's team also managed to lose to 3-9 NC State. So that game should be expunged from the record as well.

"Some improvements have been noticeable. In Fisher’s first 31 games, for instance, the FSU running game is averaging 147.6 yards per game. In Bowden’s final 31 games, the FSU running game averaged 99.7 yards per game. And Fisher’s quarterbacks – especially Christian Ponder – seem to have played better than those Bowden coached."

Other improvements include leading the top scoring offense in the conference last season, after Jeff's attack never finished higher than 4th over his last three years. Or that Fisher accomplished that feat with the youngest offensive line in the country, for which he was named the ACC Offensive Coordinator of the year. A quick check reveals that Jeff Bowden was not named the Offensive Coordinator of the Year in his final 31 games.

Or that Jeff faced 20 ACC opponents in his last 31 games, and produced 30 or more points only 4 times. Twice in 2005 (over the aforementioned 4-7 Wake Forest squad and of course, Duke), and twice in 2006 (shockingly against Duke, and Virginia). That's right, in his last 31 games, Jeff's offense failed to produce a single 30 point performance against any ACC team that would make a bowl. But if you needed 50+ points for parents weekend against Duke, he was your man.

Compare that to Fisher who has faced 18 ACC opponents so far, and has produced 30 or more points 5 times. In Fisher's first year, he didn't accomplish the feat even once. But in his second year (2008), the year in which his offense was the best in the conference and he was honored with ACC Offensive Coordinator of the year honors, Fisher's offense accomplished the feat 4 times, and all of those outbursts occurred against bowl teams. From none of the conference games to half of the conference games, which by Carter's method, must show improvement. This year, Fisher is 1 for 2 in reaching the 30 win plateau, and everyone will count Miami as a bowl team.

We've officially reached the "Please don't kick me out of the program when you take over, Mr. Fisher" portion of the article. Feel free to grab a soda and come back in a minute.

...

"Let’s talk about ineffective offensive performances. Let’s say an ineffective offensive performance would be one in which the team had less than 325 yards of total offense. An effective offense should generate more than 350 yards per game, at least, but let’s be conservative."

Sure, and let's talk about "Oh my God I'm going to vomit- this can't possibly be football- did our coach get this job via the Make-a-Wish Foundation?" offensive performances. We'll say those happen whenever your team looks absolutely lost on national television or fails to reach 150 yards of total offense. Care to count those occurrences, Mr. Carter?

"In Fisher’s first 31 games, the FSU offense had less than 325 yards of total offense nine times. In Bowden’s final 31 games, the FSU had less than 325 yards of total offense 12 times."

*This portion of the article left blank to represent the level of analysis demonstrated by this sentence.*

Yeah I can't do this anymore. Let's just take a look at why I believe Andrew's conclusions are weak.

Carter never adjusts for opponent or strength of schedule
He doesn't account for changes in clock rules that have significantly reduced the number of plays (and thus drives) per game
He chooses the weakest possible response variables to draw his conclusions
He makes no attempt to measure trends in offensive performance
He assumes each coach had equal amounts of talent to work with

Yards and points per game are a weak measure to compare different eras because of the different rules across years. A much more effective statistic, and the statistic that we will use today, are yards and points per PLAY. Through this measure, the variation in number of plays per game has been eliminated.

Yesterday, TNation contributor SteveNole posted a great Fanpost looking at the trends of offensive performance over time. I highly recommend that everyone read his post. I believe the most effective measure of a coach is "are his teams improving or regressing?" So, through the use of longitudinal data analysis and a simple regression model we can examine the pattern of offensive performance over time.

Let's treat each of the 31 games of interest as a separate time point. We will have to make the assumption that each of these games occurred an equal amount of time apart for simplicity's sake (accounting for offseasons will complicated the analysis beyond the level of a sports blog). Additionally, we will not account for injuries, suspensions, or strength of schedule (See Andrew? When a real statistician makes an assumption that will influence the results of the analysis, they at least mention it as a possible source of bias.)

By fitting a linear model to the 31 timepoints, we will be able to analyze two things.
Which coach's offense, if either, is performing better?

The numbers are as follows (Coach 0 = Jeff Bowden, Coach 1= Jimbo, Time = Game # in sequence) :

Coach	Time	Rushing	Passing	RushingScores	PassingScores
0	1	2.17	6	0	0.019608
0	2	5.81	10.5	0.032258	0.033333
0	3	0.96	4.1	0.04	0
0	4	1.42	6.4	0	0.020408
0	5	7.17	5.1	0.047619	0.032258
0	6	2.91	2.8	0.030303	0
0	7	4.5	10.8	0.15625	0.066667
0	8	0.68	6.1	0.052632	0.052632
0	9	3.22	11	0.055556	0.083333
0	10	5.33	10.7	0.055556	0.081081
0	11	4.52	6.4	0.047619	0.016949
0	12	4.94	7.7	0.090909	0.081633
0	13	4.12	7.1	0.090909	0.027027
0	14	1.87	4.1	0	0.022222
0	15	3.19	3.6	0	0
0	16	1.75	6.8	0	0.02381
0	17	1.96	6.4	0.041667	0.028571
0	18	1	6	0.038462	0.023256
0	19	0.04	5.5	0.04	0
0	20	1.61	7.8	0.035714	0.046512
0	21	2.68	5.1	0.026316	0
0	22	7.55	9.3	0.131579	0.086957
0	23	3	8.6	0	0.068966
0	24	7.48	8	0.047619	0.125
0	25	1.33	6.8	0.047619	0.020833
0	26	5.06	7.9	0.029412	0.055556
0	27	4.33	7.3	0.074074	0.032258
0	28	1.13	4	0	0
0	29	2.61	7.7	0.035714	0.086957
0	30	2.56	4.4	0.055556	0.023256
0	31	3.5	7.6	0.066667	0.023256
1	1	4.07	4.1	0.035714	0.028571
1	2	4.09	9.5	0.021739	0.085714
1	3	2.57	7	0.027027	0
1	4	2.34	8.9	0.028571	0.066667
1	5	3.54	9.2	0.028571	0.035714
1	6	1.96	5.9	0.041667	0.041667
1	7	3.36	6.3	0.021277	0
1	8	5	7.2	0.025641	0.021277
1	9	2.61	8.1	0	0.043478
1	10	4.14	4.6	0	0.030303
1	11	4.05	7.8	0.052632	0.038462
1	12	3.96	5.1	0	0
1	13	6.18	5.5	0.060606	0.02
1	14	9.06	10.8	0.15625	0.16
1	15	6.16	8.3	0.0625	0.111111
1	16	3.64	3.3	0	0
1	17	5.63	5.4	0.065217	0
1	18	5.2	5.1	0.074074	0.032258
1	19	3.07	7.3	0.022222	0.028571
1	20	2.34	8.4	0.052632	0.052632
1	21	5.44	6.5	0.027778	0.068966
1	22	7.39	5.7	0.083333	0.037037
1	23	3.04	6.6	0.041667	0.03125
1	24	4.1	6.2	0.047619	0.038462
1	25	3.09	4.4	0.030303	0
1	26	3.53	7.5	0.052632	0.054054
1	27	3.67	7.2	0.033333	0.04878
1	28	3	9.3	0.076923	0
1	29	6.39	7.1	0.081633	0.071429
1	30	0.7	7.3	0.037037	0
1	31	2.41	8.1	0.068966	0

Here is the model we will be using for the data:

Response = B0 + B1Coach+ B2Time+B3TimeCoach

If B1 is significant, then the average value of the response for the two coaches is different. A positive value indicates Fisher's offense is better, a negative value indicates Bowden's was superior.

If B2 is significant, then the slope of the graph is significantly different from zero. If the B2 is positive, then the offense is improving. If it is negative, then the offense is getting worse.

If B3 is significant, then the two offenses have performed differently over time in the given response variable. The magnitude of the value will determine which offense is improving (or regressing) at a faster rate.

The data are analyzed using PROC GLM in SAS. Four separate models are created, each using one of the following as a response for the above predictors: Yards Per Rush, Points Per Rushing Play, Yards Per Pass, Points Per Passing Play.

The results are as follows (We are merely looking at the mean model here, so I will not analyze the residuals to check for correlation, etc.):

Yards Per Rush

proc glm data=matt;

model rushing=time coach time*coach;

run;

                                               Standard
               Parameter          Estimate           Error    t Value    Pr > |t|

               Intercept       3.350967742      0.70821288       4.73      <.0001
               Time           -0.007016129      0.03863618      -0.18      0.8565
               Coach           0.716967742      1.00156427       0.72      0.4770
               Time*Coach      0.006258065      0.05463981       0.11      0.9092

At the alpha=.1 level there does not seem to be any significant difference in the time trend of the two coaches (.9092 > .10).

This interaction is removed and the model is analyzed again.

                                                 Standard
               Parameter         Estimate           Error    t Value    Pr > |t|

               Intercept      3.300903226      0.55253902       5.97      <.0001
               Time          -0.003887097      0.02709045      -0.14      0.8864
               Coach          0.817096774      0.48460877       1.69      0.0971

Notice now that at the alpha=.1 we can see that Jimbo Fisher's offense rushes for about .81 yards per play more than Jeff Bowden's offense.

Rushing TDs

                                                  Standard
               Parameter          Estimate           Error    t Value    Pr > |t|

               Intercept      0.0426416506      0.01260494       3.38      0.0013
               Time           0.0000970092      0.00068766       0.14      0.8883
               Coach          -.0183541957      0.01782607      -1.03      0.3075
               Time*Coach     0.0011220481      0.00097249       1.15      0.2533

There is no significant difference in the time trend.

                                     Standard
               Parameter         Estimate           Error    t Value    Pr > |t|

               Intercept     0.0336652655      0.00994531       3.39      0.0013
               Time          0.0006580333      0.00048761       1.35      0.1823
               Coach         -.0004014254      0.00872261      -0.05      0.9634

There is no significant difference between coaches in the number of TDs scored rushing. The difference in TDs per game is not statistically significant.

Passing Yards

                                                  Standard
               Parameter          Estimate           Error    t Value    Pr > |t|

               Intercept       6.945161290      0.74036869       9.38      <.0001
               Time           -0.007459677      0.04039042      -0.18      0.8541
               Coach          -0.039354839      1.04703944      -0.04      0.9701
               Time*Coach      0.006693548      0.05712068       0.12      0.9071

Again, the coaches are not trending differently.

                                                 Standard
               Parameter         Estimate           Error    t Value    Pr > |t|

               Intercept      6.891612903      0.57762964      11.93      <.0001
               Time          -0.004112903      0.02832062      -0.15      0.8850
               Coach          0.067741935      0.50661471       0.13      0.8941

There is no significant difference in passing points per play between the two coaches.

Passing TDs

                                                  Standard
               Parameter          Estimate           Error    t Value    Pr > |t|

               Intercept      0.0305258299      0.01286568       2.37      0.0210
               Time           0.0004758789      0.00070188       0.68      0.5005
               Coach          0.0136674437      0.01819482       0.75      0.4556
               Time*Coach     -.0009266638      0.00099261      -0.93      0.3544

There is no significant difference in the time trends.

                                                 Standard
               Parameter         Estimate           Error    t Value    Pr > |t|

               Intercept     0.0379391406      0.01011164       3.75      0.0004
               Time          0.0000125470      0.00049576       0.03      0.9799
               Coach         -.0011591777      0.00886849      -0.13      0.8965

The difference in passing TDs here is not significant. Fisher's offense is not performing any worse statistically than Bowden's despite the difference in scores.

What can we conclude from the data?

Carter claims that Fisher's offense is throwing for fewer yards: No statistically significant difference in the objective measure

Carter claims that Fisher's offense is rushing for more yards: Moderate evidence of a significant increase in rushing yards under Fisher.

Carter claims that Fisher's offense is scoring less than Bowden's offense: No statistically significant difference in rushing or throwing scores between the two offenses.

The difference in clock rules and the increase in Florida State's strength of schedule could account for the overall total differences in yards and scores. Personally, I was surprised at the lack of a significant time trend across the data, but the huge variation from game to game is probably the culprit. Once Fisher has coached at Florida State for a few more years, enough data points will be available to analyze these offenses across seasons, not games.

The point of this article is simple: It is bad logic to craft numbers to fit your agenda. Obviously I have my own bias, but for actual ANALYSIS I entered the data and examined the results as they were.

Articles like Andrew Carter's are counterproductive to objective sports observation through statistical analysis. Casual readers will look at his work and says to themselves "oh it has average in it, so it's statistical." People will believe that you can make up statistics to support anything. Let me state this unequivocally:

NOT ALL STATISTICS ARE CREATED EQUAL.

The appropriate use of quality data can lead to the improvement or analysis of any process, including sports.

Using Excel on your laptop to calculate a few averages does not represent quality statistical analysis. Using biased response variables and shoddy inferential techniques does not mean you are the next Statistical Sports Guru. It means you are a lazy writer.

While far from complete, this analysis is ten times more substantial than Carter's attempt, which is incredibly misleading and incomplete.

At Tomahawk Nation we try to find the most unbiased sources and measures of data to present an accurate view of what happens, because a good statistic is nothing more than a measure of what happens on the field. A bad statistic is misleading and detrimental to quality analysis of sports-related information.

In the future, when an editor or "whomever" directs Mr. Carter to conduct an "analysis," I would hope he puts a little more thought into his methodology.

TrueNole Wished for you to See this article from Andrew Carter

MattDNole — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 18:37:43 -0000

TrueNole Wished for you to See this article from Andrew Carter

Apparently Andrew's mom got him a new calculator and he wanted to sit at the big boy table.

Noles Didn't Start the Fire (The Bobby Bowden Retirement Song)

MattDNole — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 17:21:06 -0000

Last night I decided to try my hand at song-writing. Be gentle.

(PS- You might want to listen to the real song one time to get the rhthym in your head.)

Music: Roughly taken from Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" (1989)

Lyrics: MattDNole

CHORUS:
Why don't you just retire?
We're just always losing
Your ego you're choosing.
Why don't you just retire?
Yes we'd really like it
Pack your stuff and hike it.

Sugar Bowl, Virginia Tech, Wire to Wire what the heck

Greatest season, undefeated, now we're on top.

Amato leaves for NC State, Weinke's back so ain't it great

Starting strong, streak goes on, never be stopped.

Jared Jones and some Funyuns, Kicker's name is Matt Munyan

Blows a kick, makes me sick, replays won't stop.

Weinke wins the Heisman, BCS Bowl once again

Richt says bye, offense dies, bubble goes pop.

CHORUS:
Why don't you just retire?
We're just always losing
Your ego you're choosing.
Why don't you just retire?
Yes we'd really like it
Pack your stuff and hike it.

Jeffy's turn, what a burn, Rix's playbook stays unlearned

Morg-an, Bold-in, receivers all down.

Carolina blows us out, Canes continue with a rout

NC State, then the Gates, Boosters all frown.

'02 expectations high, Looking back I don't know why

Feeling luck, To Kentuck', well that trip just really sucked.

At least we have our guy Greg Jones, Beat the Canes up on his own

One small slip, miss the kick, Betia goes home.

Fumbles against Notre Dame, AD cheated what a shame

Overslept, what the heck, how'd our team become a wreck?!

CHORUS:
Why don't you just retire?
We're just always losing
Your ego you're choosing.
Why don't you just retire?
Yes we'd really like it
Pack your stuff and hike it.

2003 here we go, Taylor makes Chris Rix his ho

Stupid rain, fans complain, Jeffy's not fired.

Saving brother Tommy's job, Referees paid by the mob

Dockett tossed, season lost, students get tired.

Bobby's name on the facade, Wyatt Sexton thinks he's God

Ron Zook WON, FANS ARE DONE, HOW MUCH MORE CAN THIS GO ON?

CHORUS:
Why don't you just retire?
We're just always losing
Your ego you're choosing.
Why don't you just retire?
Yes we'd really like it
Pack your stuff and hike it.

Finally beat the Canes again, Can't get one November win

Willie Reid, does the deed, ACC Kings.

PSU is number 3, we can't make a PAT

Another loss, Jeff's not tossed, Dave Hart's phone rings.

30-0 loss to Wake, force some changes for Pete's sake

Jimbo's in, with some friends, future looks bright.

Several years pass us by, Bobby still won't say goodbye

Team's confused, we still lose, end is in sight.

What the heck will happen next, all we do is post and guess

We do know, Bobby's old, Chuck has big breasts.

Since this joke is almost dead, I think I'll quit while I'm ahead

Dear Head Coach, It's time to go, you're being a pest.

CHORUS:
Why don't you just retire?
We're just always losing
Your ego you're choosing.
Why don't you just retire?
Yes we'd really like it
Pack your stuff and hike it.

Why don't you just retire?
But when we're all gone
Will you still coach on, and on, and on, and on...

Last night I decided to try my hand at song-writing. Be gentle.

(PS- You might want to listen to the real song one time to get the rhthym in your head.)

Music: Roughly taken from Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" (1989)

Lyrics: MattDNole

CHORUS:
Why don't you just retire?
We're just always losing
Your ego you're choosing.
Why don't you just retire?
Yes we'd really like it
Pack your stuff and hike it.

Sugar Bowl, Virginia Tech, Wire to Wire what the heck

Greatest season, undefeated, now we're on top.

Amato leaves for NC State, Weinke's back so ain't it great

Starting strong, streak goes on, never be stopped.

Jared Jones and some Funyuns, Kicker's name is Matt Munyan

Blows a kick, makes me sick, replays won't stop.

Weinke wins the Heisman, BCS Bowl once again

Jeffy's turn, what a burn, Rix's playbook stays unlearned

Morg-an, Bold-in, receivers all down.

Carolina blows us out, Canes continue with a rout

NC State, then the Gates, Boosters all frown.

'02 expectations high, Looking back I don't know why

Feeling luck, To Kentuck', well that trip just really sucked.

At least we have our guy Greg Jones, Beat the Canes up on his own

One small slip, miss the kick, Betia goes home.

Fumbles against Notre Dame, AD cheated what a shame

Stupid rain, fans complain, Jeffy's not fired.

Saving brother Tommy's job, Referees paid by the mob

Dockett tossed, season lost, students get tired.

Bobby's name on the facade, Wyatt Sexton thinks he's God

Ron Zook WON, FANS ARE DONE, HOW MUCH MORE CAN THIS GO ON?

Willie Reid, does the deed, ACC Kings.

PSU is number 3, we can't make a PAT

Another loss, Jeff's not tossed, Dave Hart's phone rings.

30-0 loss to Wake, force some changes for Pete's sake

Jimbo's in, with some friends, future looks bright.

Several years pass us by, Bobby still won't say goodbye

Team's confused, we still lose, end is in sight.

What the heck will happen next, all we do is post and guess

We do know, Bobby's old, Chuck has big breasts.

Since this joke is almost dead, I think I'll quit while I'm ahead

Dear Head Coach, It's time to go, you're being a pest.

CHORUS:
Why don't you just retire?
We're just always losing
Your ego you're choosing.
Why don't you just retire?
Yes we'd really like it
Pack your stuff and hike it.

Why don't you just retire?
But when we're all gone
Will you still coach on, and on, and on, and on...

Offbeat Friday: Bobby Bowden Pregame Speech Gets the FireJoeMorgan Treatment

MattDNole — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 22:53:16 -0000

A little over a year ago I was introduced to two blogs that would eventually change my life. One was Tomahawk Nation. The other was firejoemorgan.com. FJM was a collection of professional tv writers who happened to be huge baseball fans, familiar with sabermetrics, and tired of the idiocy that defined much of professional sports journalism.

Sadly for us, they all became very successful in their, you know, "jobs". KenTremendous is the creator of NBC's Parks and Recreation, and each of the other writers have moved on in the entertainment business.

Frequent readers of Deadspin will remember the FJM reunion a few weeks ago when the guys returned for a day to be guest editors. You can go to the FJM blog or check out the Deadspin archives to get a feel for what's about to happen.

In honor of the FJM team, and since it is Boston College week, I thought we would have some fun by giving Coach Bowden the FJM treatment....

(PS- Thanks to SWFLNole for the idea!!!)

Bobby Bowden Pregame Speech (via gatormarc99)

"Defense play with a lot of confidence, with enthusiasm, and with togetherness."

And you know, speed, intelligence, and talent.

Seriously though. I think it is remarkable that the three things that are necessary to play solid defense on national television are the same three things that won my dance troupe the silver medal at the Grace Baptist Church summer camp of 1999 (We were robbed of the gold, the Pentecostals cheated.)

Following this game, Coach would blame the lack of "togetherness" for the loss. For the next week he made the defense wear friendship bracelets.

"BC comes to our house to take away what you and I want."

BC is coming to take away your naps, metamusil, and Matlock reruns? Those heartless bastards.

"They come right down here to our house… to take it away… you know? So you… you’re out there with a… "

This message brought to you by Foghorn Leghorn, the letter UHHH, and the number 16 (as in Coach Bowden is 16 wins behind JoePa).

Side note: If the Count on Sesame Street were going to wish Coach a Happy Birthday, at what point would he quit, carve "Brooks was here" into a wall. and hang himself?

"You gotta fight. Ya know? You gotta fight, and I know you will. I know you’re gonna fight tonight."

Heads up, Coach. When Chuck, Jody, Jimbo, and Dex are in the same room, DON'T SAY THE WORD FIGHT!!!

First rule of Coach Fight Club: You do not talk about Coach Fight Club.

PS- For the purposes of this joke, the role of Chuck Amato's breasts will be played by Meatloaf. His name was Chuck Amato. His name was Chuck Amato. His name was...

"It’s gonna be execution. Execution."

So fresh and so clean. Clean. Outkast doesn't have the market on repetition cornered.

Maybe we've discovered the reason why Chuck wears those Bret Hart sunglasses. Bret was "The Excellence of Execution." It's all making sense now.

...

Wait... this speech and Chuck Amato's continued employment are making sense to me? Does this mean I'm about to die? I'm so freaking scared right now.

"Quarterback just making good handoffs."

If you look up the definition of a quarterback in the 1913 Walter Camp official manual it says "the right honorable gentleman who is charged with turning around and handing the ball to the speedy player behind him. see also: twirly-ma-jigger."

We were gonna buy coach an updated rules book, but it was late, we'd been eating a lot of Hungry Howie's and playing Madden, we only had a little bit of cash, and those freaking Snuggies commercials are just so convincing...

"Backs taking… taking the ball."

It seems Coach had some other idea of what the backs were supposed to take. My thoughts as to what the original statement read?

Backs taking... a bathroom break in Renegade's stall.

Backs taking... this job and shoving it.

Backs taking... a really long time to finish recruiting on their NCAA 08 dynasty.

Backs taking... something they got from Preston Parker.

I think we can all agree that "the ball" was the best option.

"Receivers catching the ball. Not worrying about where they’re going to run. Not worried about who's coming. Just making the doggone catch like you’re capable of doing."

Yeah... it's a great idea to tell Preston about those men coming to get him. As if he weren't paranoid enough already.

I wonder if Coach practiced this speech in front of a mirror beforehand. If he did, I bet his reflection fell asleep too.

Coach actually said "Candyman" into a mirror 3 times once. It made the Candyman cry. Apparently Candyman used to be a huge Charlie Ward fan.

" …. Who… who’s… Some of you gonna get opportunities tonight."

I say... I say... I say... are you ready for some football?

"Like we mentioned last night, some of you gon’ get an opportunity to show the nation what you can do."

"Everette I hope you have your trumpet ready. And Christian are you wearing your tap shoes? This is the biggest talent show yet!!! We might just save the theater after all."

After watching that game, I haven't seen lamer "abilities" demonstrated on national television since the second season of Heroes. My favorite one was when Darius McClure showed the world how he could tear his ACL by celebrating. That was a real talent.

"Boy, you can’t ask for better than that, can ya?"

Actually, I can ask for a lot better than that, but 8 years of begging have caused me to realize that I won't get it no matter how hard I ask.

The writers of The Office must read Tomahawk Nation

MattDNole — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 11:41:31 -0000

The writers of The Office must read Tomahawk Nation

If you have time today, you definitely want to check last night's episode out. It is about 22 minutes long, and is remarkably applicable to what we've been talking about this week.

Playing the part of:
Jimbo- Jim Halpert
Chuck Amato- Dwight Schrute
Bobby Bowden- Michael Scott

Note: DO NOT watch this while working. I cannot take responsibility for you getting fired.

Thoughts and Prayers From MattDNole to NoleCC

MattDNole — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 17:43:29 -0000

Thoughts and Prayers From MattDNole to NoleCC

In spite of all our bickering, I don't dislike the guy, he's a real Nole.

Prayers for a speedy recovery!!

MattDNole's Guide to Being a True Seminole

MattDNole — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 11:35:55 -0000

First of all, be sure to get your questions in for the BC writer.

Secondly, if you aren't already sick of USF, you will be by the time Uncensored is done this week.

It has become apparent to me that the large majority of our game-attending fanbase is comprised of idiots. Consequently, I feel it is my duty (hehe... I said duty) to set the record straight, and inform the masses of the real way you should behave yourself at an FSU football game. Follow the jump for a few easy steps that will ensure that you're never again the subject of my personal ridicule at an FSU game.

Inside you will find ways to make sure you are a True Seminole student, a True Seminole fan, a True Seminole Scoreboard Operator, and a True Seminole PA Announcer.

True Seminole Trait #1:

Let me start by telling you a story. During the Revolutionary War, General George Washington was commander of the Continental Army. In the first few years of the war, George was seriously getting his butt kicked by the British. One of the few positives in the first three months of his Winter campaign was the incapacitation of General Cornwallis' top advisor, Colonel Cornelius Thornbottom, who suffered a severe brain injury when a cannon ball struck him in the head. From that day on, Thornbottom lacked what one would call a "sharp mind." Cornwallis, British high commander and a highly superstitious man, prepared a special chair to carry Thornbottom to every battle and provided him with an adequate vantage point so that the Colonel could witness all the action, even in his mentally deficient state.

One day, at a pivotal point in the battle, Washington was prepared to sound retreat. A loss in this battle would have signaled sure defeat for the Continental Army, but Washington felt he had no choice. Just then, a slightly incoherent Thornbottom stood from his chair, threw his hands in the air, and sat back down. The British army, somewhat confused by the gesture, turned around to see what was happening behind them. At that moment, Washington seized control and pressed forward with his cavalry, scoring a major victory and crippling the British stronghold in Roanoke, Virginia. From then on, in each battle, Washington would direct an associate to stand, throw his arms in the air, and sit back down to remind the men of the British idiot that had won them the battle. The tide turned and the Colonies won the war. In personal letters, Washington confessed that it wasn't his military prowess or the skill of his men, but the folly of Colonel Cornelius Thornbottom that led to independence.

The moral of the story is this: If you do the Wave in the 4th quarter of a close game, then you must be brain dead.

True Seminole Trait #2:

No matter what just happened on the previous four goalline plays, if the defense allows a 99 yard TD drive True Seminoles know it's not the offense's fault. We don't need you to blame Jimbo Fisher for allowing that 80 yard pass to the wide open receiver down the middle. Keep in mind that a field goal there would have been WAY to close for Dustin Hopkins anyway.

PS- He can't hear you on the top row of section 7 anyway. Screaming in the ear of the guy in front of you doesn't accomplish much. May I suggest a letter, or perhaps an email expressing your concerns?

True Seminole Trait #3:

If you take out your keys when the band is playing the 4th quarter song and we are losing 14-0, you are not a True Seminole.

True Seminole Trait #4:

True Seminoles have never, and will never, care about the score of the Indiana-Michigan game. Stop trying to force us to, Mr. ABC 27 Sports Guy.

True Seminole Trait #5:

True Seminoles realize that this article is getting dangerously close to a BillFromTampa post. They are afraid.

True Seminole Trait #6:

True Seminoles don't say "What What" after the spelling of F-L-O-R-I-D-A S-T-A-T-E. That's just ignorant. They also don't do that extra oh-oh during the Warchant.

True Seminole Trait #7:

Your feelings about the website aside, True Seminoles do the Warchant. Not the "Tomahawk Chop." Not "The Chop." We don't "Chop it up." Leave that crap for the Atlanta Braves.

True Seminole Trait #8:

True Seminoles don't wear sunglasses that they got from Bret "The Hitman" Hart in 1988 while on the sidelines.

True Seminole Trait #9:

True Seminoles realize that sometimes their team does indeed commit a penalty. Chanting profanities on national television is not always warranted.

True Seminole Trait #10:

True Seminoles realize what the score of the game was and don't laugh about it in their postgame press conferences.

True Seminole Trait #11:

True Seminoles notice when players are wearing GIANT FREAKING KNEE BRACES and adjust their expectations for that player accordingly.

True Seminole Trait #12:

When True Seminoles offer their playcalling opinions, they at least lie about why they think it will work and do not say "Because it works on PlayStation all the time."

True Seminole Trait #13:

No matter how hilarious I think it is, True Seminoles don't rent a U-Haul trailor and park it in front of the Head Coach's house. (Consider this my official plea of innocence if ever questioned.)

True Seminole Trait #14:

True Seminoles read Tomahawk Nation and feel superior to the fans around them because of it. Discussions often end with "Oh, well you would know that if you read Uncensored's post on Tuesday. But I guess I just can't have this conversation with you."

Well, those are just a few of the traits of a True Seminole. Let me know in the comments if there's anything I've missed.

Early Games Discussion Thread #2

MattDNole — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 20:31:10 -0000

We'll start the FSU talk around 6:30.

Here is the place we can discuss the 3:30 games.

Memo to the agoraphobics out there: St. Thomas Aquinas will be on ESPN at 12pm EST this...

MattDNole — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 15:53:45 -0000

Memo to the agoraphobics out there: St. Thomas Aquinas will be on ESPN at 12pm EST this afternoon.

You can take a look at what some consider to be the best high school team in the country. You can also catch a glimpse of talented prospects like Lamarcus Joyner, Keion Payne, Cody Riggs, and Gio Bernard.