Me, Nicky K !!

Hello Maples Leaf fan. My name Nikolei Kulemin but my friend they are calling me Nicky K.  I am young Maples Leaf winger making star and I am to be writing blog for you about exciting news of training gulag.  My friend Mischa and Alexie are telling me of many fan who want know more of inside locker room and other players shanahanagins.  Alexie he say start with joke and everybody in Bigballofbarilkos will be smile big-time. 

So, joke numbers 1:  Siberian wolf-hound he walks into bar.  Man who give out vodka say, "What is with that long jaw and big long nose?"    [This joke it everytime assassinate me also!!  Funny stuff!!]

So, here it go my big day:

5:45 a.m.    Have really big pissing.  We are have so much beers last night so that we not getting dry out like swedish goalperson. 

5:53 a.m.    Are going back in beds another times.  I am notice for first times that twin garls are gones home to Rexdale.  They are having it school today.

6:30 a.m.    Gets up real this time.  Am make it  "smoothie" in Ronco Juiceomatik: spirulina green algae, kelp extract, whey powder, banana, cabbage, potato, donuts.  She go down good like fat twin.  Also eat some baconeggs.  Alexie tell me eat many of bacon and Maples Leaf fan are make fan club for me.

7:00 a.m.   Mischa he come drive me for hockey.  Practice in place near Detroit call Etobicoke.  I am telling Mischa he drive like girl.  He say, "I am drive same way you drive fat twin".  We are laughing so much smoothie are coming up my belly and out holes in my face over my mouth.  I am wiping up face with Sham-Wow.  Mischa are buying 500 or 2000 those thing from TV.  He like Sham-Wow guy late night.

7:30 a.m.  Arriving Etobicoke ice palace after lost only little in Oakville.  Mischa is parking car beside Coach Wilson Dodge Caravan.  [Better not scratch and gets coach mad, Mischa, or maybe you gets Jamal Mayers for winger !!]  Today Brian Burke is come watching us.    We can know this because hearse is park by zamboni door.  Kabby be say, "If Burke is being here, who are running Hell?"   

7:45 a.m.  Begins warm it up with soccer ball made of nerf.  Another crazy Canadan invention nerf.  Like space arm but softer.  We are not knowing why is made of nerf.  Stajy can really hit ball good with heads.

8:00 a.m.  Put on equipments.  Somebodies have putting shaving cream in jock's strap agains.  But John "Is Facking Lots" Mitchell has looks in eye of cat that is eating many dead birds from cage.

8:15 a.m.  I am seeing for first time Mike Komisarek.  He are very bigs and manly.  He are reminding me very much of late-night TVLand hero Herman Munster.

 Mike Komisarek

8:22 a.m.   Alexie is saying time for tell more joke:  So, Georgian peasant woman she walks in bar.  Man who pour vodka he are saying, "What is with fat jowly face and head kerchief, Babushka?".  She are saying back to hims, "Мочиитесь, ишак-сторона".  [Alexie he go red in face and peeing so funny.  But not to worrying Maples Leaf fans, I also am no getting this joke.]

8:33 a.m.  We are skate very hards.  Coach Wilson say we are must gets better shape so we are still looks fast at end of game we are losing.  We are do skate drill, rush of lines, three-on-twos.  I am very very happy no two-on-ones.  Two-on-ones just about assassinates me last nights. 

9:06 a.m.  We are do it shoots-out.  I am try score on swedish goalperson.  I am bake-it and shake-it left and I am bake-it and shake-it right and I am go fives-hole.  But I am just not can score fives-hole.  Alexie he try dipsy.  Mischa he try doodle.  But all can no score fives-hole.

9:30 a.m.  Maples Leaf are have short practice today because we are have it fatness testing.  Player are in very good shapes this year.  Average team fat on body she go down 4 and half of percents.  Alexie he say only 2 and half of percents can be attributed to Wellwood !! [Hit rim of drum with stick!!  John "Is Facking Lots" Michell say, "Facking Wellwood is facking fat jokes are facking never gets facking old."  We are laughs so hards blue gatorades are coming out holes in face over mouth.  Better gets out the Sham-Wows, Mischa!!]

9:42 a.m. Swedish goalperson go into shower.  Now everybodies know why he called "monster".  Even Alexie is be blushing.  Last time I see such monster I am watch Sesame Street mumpet call Snuffleupagus.  This also help explain why no can score on swedish goalperson fives-hole.   I am notice more of other player now covers up their "Steve Thomas" with towel come out of shower.  Vesa is nowheres of be found.

 The Monster (not exactly as illustrated).

9:48 a.m.  Jason Blake is first come back from fatness testing.  He say doctor are giving him jar Vitamin D and are telling to him get more sun.  We are laughings like a heck.  Especially after he leave.

Colton Orr wants me tell his joke on blogs to Bigballofbarilkos also.  I am sure not going stopping him.  Not without gun!!  So, Jason Blake goes in barplace.  Man who give out vodka are say, "You are so facking white you look like you are never seeing sun.  Men who are never seeing sun are miner.  We are not can serve miner."  [This is not even joke.  But we are all laughings like hell anyways.  When Mr. Orr is going out of room we all stops laughing right now.  Thats was some close one!!]

10:39 a.m.  Except for fatness testing us Maples Leaf are finish for morning. [Except for Tosky, who is finnish in afternoons too and at night!!  Fack, I assassinate me!!]  So far training gulag is going very fine.  I am sure hope stick with bigs team again this year.  I am not wanting go to Marlies and having to move to different cities.  I am thinking I am only having beat out Mayers or Hanson for get spot.  If I stay on bigs team I am ask Mr. Burke for smaller number.  Maybe number 12.  Nobodies are using it.

11:32 a.m.  We are go for lunch.  We are growing athletes and are need good nutrition.  Is such shame have to sneak many beers into McDonalds.

I am blog more after naps.   Smells like you laters.

Leafs Albumen-nation: Why When I Write Wikipedia-Researched Crap Drunk for a Cheap Buck Leafs Smell Like a Rotten Egg.

Still Only $19.67 $9.99

Chapter D’uh.  Francis "King" Clancy

Francis Clancy

Imagine a kid growing up in a dilapidated sod-house on a joyless Irish potato farm with cow-drawn carriages and pig-carts during the Great Potato Famine of 1851.  His father is a two-fisted-drinking, brawling vegetarian who raises his children on the traditional seven-course Irish supper: six Guiness and a potato.  His mother has hiccoughed herself to death at the tender age of 96 after bearing the minimal Irish-Catholic requirement of 47 children.  The kid is a scrapper. No, this is not the opening chapter of a long-lost Frank McCourt novel.  It is the childhood of Francis Clancy.  

It just isn’t the childhood of Francis "King" Clancy.  Francis Patrick Lloyd Moon-Unit McGuinty McKenna Oh Danny Boy Fitzsimmons Fitzpatrick "King" Clancy was born in Ottawa to novelist Tom Clancy and his wife Shaniqua.  He was nicknamed "King" because of his king-sized head which was said to have made his mother’s uterus pop like a champagne cork loudly enough to wake the neighbors when he was pulled out by the ankles on February 25, 1903.  The nickname stuck through life.

As a youngster Clancy played all the games and sports big-meloned Ottawa youngsters of the day played: stickball, hockey, football, kick-the-can, beat-up-the-more-recent-immigrant, try-and-get-laid-with-a-hooker, smoke-ciggies-‘til-you-barf, bean-Clancy-in-the-head and steal-daddy’s-liquor-when-he’s-passed-out.  King took a particular liking to hockey and the ponies.  Since taking too much of a particular liking to ponies is even still a criminal offence in Ontario, Clancy decided to stick to hockey and give girls a go.

Clancy finished grade 8 ("Best three years of my life," he later admitted) making him one of Ottawa’s most educated citizens and shortly thereafter became a member of a poor excuse for Canada’s Upper House, the Ottawa Senators.   Clancy helped the Senators win almost all the Stanley Cups they ever will in 1923 and 1927.  In 1930 Conn Smythe, owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs, purchased Clancy from Ottawa for the then astounding price of a bucket of shiny glass beads, miscellaneous doo-dahs, some gim-cracks, a gazebo and the rights to Carl Brewer.  Ottawa is still looking for the puck-moving defenceman to replace Clancy.

In Toronto Clancy helped the Leafs win a Stanley Cup and quickly afterwards began the rapid spiral descent that saw him become an NHL referee, a coach and assistant GM and finally Harold Ballard’s paid "friend".  The NHL has named a trophy after Clancy but everyone has forgotten what it is for.  It’s kinda like the Lady Byng but less prestigious.

Clancy and Ballard in the Maple Leaf
Gardens bunker. 

Clancy was Curly to Harold Ballard’s Moe, taking slaps to the head, nose pulls, pokes to the eye and other good-natured ribbing in order to put food on the table and a dollar or two on the ponies.  [Larry "Larry" Tanenbaum did not arrive on the scene to complete the Stooge triumverate until later, say Chapter 16 or so.]

Clancy fulfilled his final dream by managing to die before that bastard Ballard leaving Ballard friendless and alone.  Clancy is fondly remembered for his impact on Leafs history, the ready twinkle in his eye, pretending to be Irish, getting totally blotto on St. Paddy’s Day and his watermelon-sized cranium. 

And, of course, everything he did somehow made the Leafs stink.

Next installment:  Chapter 3.  How Punch Imlach Shattered the Hopes, Dreams and Ambitions of Entire Generations of Torontonians by Being Extra-Icky.

 PPP, Chemmy, Wrap, East Loop and ... er ... Jared.      (not exactly as pictured).

I'm kinda new to this here corner of the Barilkosphere and I really know diddley about the candidates currently running for PPP Ubergruppenfuhrer.  But before I cast my vote I like to know a little something about the personal qualities, depth of character and general Leafs knowledge of the person(s) who ultimately will be dictating by liquored-up capricious royal fiat over the more pedestrian of us.   Since time is short I have put together a short quiz which I ask all candidates to complete to the best of their ability in order that we, the unwashed voters, may decide.

1.  Toronto is the center of:
     a)  the universe
     b)  Outer Canuckistan
     c)  the Barilkosphere
     d)  Rexdale

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