SB Nation User Blog: Mr. Rosewater

Capital One Worst Non-BCS Bowl Game?

Mr. Rosewater — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 20:24:03 -0000

Capital One Worst Non-BCS Bowl Game?

Really? Really? Really? Really? Really?

Interview with LaVar Arrington

Mr. Rosewater — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 02:05:55 -0000

Interview with LaVar Arrington

In or out? Catch or bumble? Knowing is not your decision

Mr. Rosewater — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 19:10:17 -0000

In or out? Catch or bumble? Knowing is not your decision

Are you there, God? It's me, Mr. Rosewater.

Mr. Rosewater — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 07:13:20 -0000

Now I don't pray to you that much because I despise your believers, but Imma praying to you now because Imma asking for a favor in exchange for my wretched soul. All Imma asking of you, the all powerful who made the sky Blue and White, that on 10/24/09, rain or shine or snow or Biblical flood - whatever you're in the mood for - please for all things good and decent, have the Lions of Mt. Nittany kick the living, stinking s%*t out those of Ann Arbor Wolverines. I don't mean by a field goal or anything like that. I mean a public execution, a bubonic plaque...a Tiananmen Square Holocaust that would put the Book of Revelations out of print. I want the wrath of Khan and that ear bug eating their insides out.

Something like 2,030 to -993, or thereabouts. Nothing too fancy. Just a Smite Hammer laid down DC style, with Maize and Blue coloring the background - preferably the ground, but hey Imma not begging, just praying's all.

Oh, and bless all those getting married tomorrow. Not the schmucks attending them (because they should be watching the game), but the bride and groom and the love they'll share for five to ten years. Bless them all.

Let there be smack down.

Amen.

Florida vs. LSU: What in the "tractor pull" heck was that??!!

Mr. Rosewater — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 13:43:30 -0000

It's that time to call out the media again, although most of us have abandoned those corporate windbags and their "objectivity" long ago. Which is why we go to blogs because we want to read stories that slant our way.

So where do I begin? Florida and LSU are terrible. I don't care if Tebow was a drooling catatonic or Professor Jesus H. Christ, Esq, LCC, PhD, MD, Copyright 0 B.C., All Rights Reserved. Based on last night's Slow Eastern Conference pillow fight, I'd say these two teams are way overrated. But who am I to say, right? Because if you read ESPN, CNNSI, and other sports rags, no one's bashing this game.

I mean, afterall, let's look at the stats (courtesy of ESPN):



1st Downs	22	12
3rd down efficiency	5-12	1-9
4th down efficiency	0-1	1-3
Total Yards	327	162
Passing	134	96
Comp-Att	11-16	11-17
Yards per pass	8.4	5.6
Rushing	193	66
Rushing Attempts	48	30
Yards per rush	4.0	2.2
Penalties	6-45	9-64
Turnovers	1	1
Fumbles lost	0	0
Interceptions thrown	1	1
Possession	36:30	23:30

What say you Pat Forde?

A good portion of America spent the past two weeks wringing their hands over Tebow's status after he suffered a concussion against Kentucky. The cards, letters and other expressions of support were "humbling," Tebow said. The long wait to be cleared to play was maddening.

Hey, hey! Don't talk about my maddening week! So what if I sent Tebow a few cards? As a Penn State fan, I was concerned. But please, let's talk about football:

In general, Florida went as conservative as it thought it could get away with -- and that was pretty conservative, given its lights-out defense.

Okay, now we're talking! Defense! That's why the game was so boring!

The primary reason Florida won Saturday night was the work of that relentless unit.

Whoa, whoa! TMI, good buddy!

But wait a minute. Isn't this game awfully similar to one played last year, with two top ranked teams, from that other non-SEC conference? (you peeps had better know where this is going).

Let's go to some stats, shall we?

Penn State v. Ohio State 2008

1st Downs	18	14
3rd down efficiency	5-12	8-15
4th down efficiency	0-0	0-0
Total Yards	281	287
Passing	121	226
Comp-Att	12-20	16-28
Yards per pass	6.1	8.1
Rushing	160	61
Rushing Attempts	37	31
Yards per rush	4.3	2.0
Penalties	0-0	4-48
Turnovers	0	2
Fumbles lost	0	1
Interceptions thrown	0	1
Possession	31:26	28:3

If I didn't know any better, which I probably don't (but I do), I'd say these games are awfully similar (3rd down eff between PSU and UF is spooky), yet construed and analyzed from behind completely different goggles. Do I really need to cull the articles after this particular game? Do I have to??!!! Is it that obvious!!!???

We'll wait for the other wires to come in on Florida's victory, but if you ask me, I'm not expecting the same kind of vitriol spewed from last year's game. Even though it was the same game in different uniforms.

Iowa's win makes Penn State (and Big Ten) look good

Mr. Rosewater — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 08:38:35 -0000

Holy krikey, it's 5 in the morning and I haven't been able to sleep! No, I'm not struggling with the loss; something happened to my sleep schedule while tailgating. Maybe it's the alcohol, maybe it's the fact I'm still on West coast time.

Anyways, let me waste some of your precious moments by extending carolinaeasy and millzners' optimistic take on the rest of the season. Looking at the AP and Coaches poll, Iowa entered the top 25 giving the Big Ten 4 teams on the proverbial, yet meaningless, list instead of three. Good for them and good for us, I say.

Now hear me out. I'm speaking purely from the intangible "sexy factor", as opposed to technical/statistic's analysis (who wants to read numbers anyway? Not Mark May), but if you look at conference representation, the Big Ten now has one less than the EESSSS EEEEECCCEEE and the Nintendo 12, one more than the Pac -10 and the ACC, three more than the Big Least and the Mountain West, MAC, etc.

Why does the Iowa entrance into the polls do for us? Well, now we lost to a ranked team - which is fully acceptable (as opposed to USC losing to Washington) and on par with every other top ten school who, in my opinion, will lose at least one game to a ranked opponent. Hopefully they'll lose to an unranked one. And guess what? We have two more ranked teams ahead of us, which if you remember from the preseason polls, we only had two teams (Buckeyes, Nits) representing the conference.

Okay, we can't take the other unranked opponents for granted, and neither can Iowa or anyone else. But at least we're in the mix of things rankings wise. And who knows, we may be one of the few one loss teams, or a handful of two loss teams by the end of the season?

Now three losses, well, then it's the Capital One bowl.

Opening Weekend with the BigTen :-(

Mr. Rosewater — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 19:47:25 -0000

Day's not over, but I'm posting this anyway.

Penn State and Michigan did what they're supposed to do. Everyone else, not so much.

So Mark May's puckering his lipstick and rinsing Trojan essence out of his mouth, ready to lambaste our conference along with his partners in crime. Nothing we can do about it. It's inevitable.

So what are we to do? Well, voice your opinion on my very first poll (no sex jokes pleaz).

Poll

After opening weekend's horrible display, does the Big Ten deserve a good media bashing?

Too soon! Too soon!

28 votes

Yes, except PSU

20 votes

Yes (PSU should have scored 80 pts at least!)

16 votes

No. We're the good guys...except for Michigan and Ohio State

2 votes

No. Those cupcakes were actually good teams.

4 votes

I'm not reading or watching anyone else. I'm sticking with Black Shoe Diaries only!

12 votes

What? What? What? What? What?

5 votes

87 votes | Poll has closed

A request: classifieds section for BSD

Mr. Rosewater — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 21:27:33 -0000

I don't know if this has been brought up before, but I was wondering if BSD and/or SB Nation could start a classifieds section so those who have extra tickets, or students who want to put up their apartment for rent during weekends - or sports memorabilia or whatever - can do so easily where interested parties congregate.

I don't know if BSD has the traffic to make it successful, or whether SB Nation has the apps to make it possible, but I think it would be a great benefit to fans. It could possibly bring in more traffic to the site as well.

I guess the only downside is that we'd have to reveal our real names and sensitive info, but I think it's worth it.

And if you haven't guessed already, I'm having a hell of a time procuring tickets and finding room accommodations for this upcoming season. The older the alumn, the lesser the connections.

Modern Critical Interpretation of ReadingRambler's Half-Assed Big Ten Previews

Mr. Rosewater — Sat, 23 May 2009 17:40:53 -0000

For those of you who find ReadingRambler's prose inaccessible and byzantine, both stream of consciousness and word play, please continue reading and remember to honor America's veterans who have fought for our freedoms, especially the freedom to post fanposts on fanposts, which the German Nazis, North Vietnam, the Soviet Union, the Michigan Wolverines, and Al Qaeda have attempted to thwart with what ReadingRambler has already said so pricelessly, scum and villainy*

* - Half-assed Big Ten preview, part 2: Iowa

As Thomas Pynchon began his iconic novel, Gravity's Rainbow, "A screaming comes across the sky..." so did ReadingRambler in his first Half-assed preview on Illinois, "Right so I'm bored, and I've got nothing better to do...". One should note the depth of psychosis in both statements: one stating fear of German rockets during the blitzkrieg in London, the other stating fear of retribution by talkbacker - or talkyackers - for a mish-mash of athletic analysis that is already "Half-assed", and haphazardly collected, posted, and pasted as quasi-references and psuedo-facts from the interweb. Is this a sign of insecurity? A madman? Or simply, a fan at his work? The reader is free to arrive at his or her own interpretation, as all great works will require.

The most puzzling question, of course, is why kick off the Half-assed analysis with Illinois? Of all eleven of the Big Ten universities, why pick a team so unformidable and benign? A clue lies in the very first video post: the Derrick Williams flight from one end to the other, dashing like Greek Gods Mercury and Hermes - with winged shoes no less - that embarrassed the bumbling Illinois special teams. Was this premeditated on ReadingRambler's part, to begin an analysis with the praise of his God, Derrick Wlliams? If so, then ReadingRambler is more of a selfish Adonis archetype than he presupposes, slandering his opponents while deftly primping his own vanity through vicarious praise of his athletic gladiator.

The Illinois analysis turned out to be anything other than Half-assed though. ReadingRambler provided numerous videos and jpgs that slandered and dehumanized, not only the university, but the state as well. One should note the visuals of J Lehman and former Illinois governer Blagojevich, both of whom, coincidentally, were endowed with a virile set of hair. Intentional on ReadingRamblers part? Or some sort of cosmic synchronicity, an invisible Heavenly hand guiding ReadingRambler's mouse to the more meaningful, if not biblical, messages for his bretheren.

Whereas the Illinois preview was virile with visuals, the next Half-assed preview of Iowa was impotent and inadequate, containing merely words, hardly any of them with more than two syllables. Was ReadingRambler trying to send a message with this entry? Surely, anyone with an iota of history knows the perfect season was foiled by the Hawkeye state in 2008 by an impressive passing campaign within the last few minutes of the game. If ReadingRambler's lack of visuals was intentional, then one can safely assume that he harbors angst and anger towards this faraway midwestern state.

And one cannot ignore that Iowa is home to the most prestigious literary graduate program, the Iowa Writer's Workshop, and not note ReadingRambler's slight by relying on simple, primitive words such as "See Above", and when referring to the Hawkeye's Offensive Line as, "I have no clue." A blatant slap in the face of every literary wordsmiths that occupy its rural sanctuary.

The Half-assed Indiana entry comes back to form with visuals and in-depth analysis. But what is peculiar about this one is that it focuses not only on the past, but on another sport, one ReadingRambler's university has only begun to take notice: Bobby Knight, the infamous former head basketball coach of the Hoosiers. Why did ReadingRambler go on a tanget when his readers - his fellow alumnus - were under the impression that they were about to read a football analysis? ReadingRambler must have sensed an impending backlash, so he wrote a declaration right off the bat: "I am mainly using this as an excuse to post stuff about Bob Knight."

This lack of metaphors, or symbolism, or hyperbole is bold and legendary. Not since Wiliam Shakespeare's Hamlet, when he declared, "I may be mad, Horatio", has a statement been so direct and to the point. Was ReadingRambler, as was Shakespeare, giving his audience reprieve from a dense and complicated work? One must wonder and further studies and analysis must be conducted. (I have just been informed that literary critic, and Yale Professor Harold Bloom, has just received a grant to proceed on this great undertaking. God speed, Mr. Bloom!)

The Half-assed entries for Michigan (#4) and Michigan State (#5) could have been culled into one, as both are in the same state, and both draw ReadingRambler's ire. Consider these entries:

(Michigan): " I'm not sure what to say other than "DickRod lol!"

(Michigan State): "Michigan State. Michigan State. Just writing the name fills me with rage and a desire to drop a million Tsar Bomba size nukes in Central Michigan."

ReadingRambler was approaching the halfway point to his Half-assed previews and already rage, and maybe insanity, has shown its colors. As anyone knows, the House of Michigan and the House of Pennsylvania are far from brothers and ReadingRambler, whose Quaker ancentry is still in dispute, may be exploiting a populous dialogue to incite and enhance the rivalry of the two houses.

Was this necessary though? Did he have to remind his audience of the eight year of spanking from one, and the fabricated rivalry of the other? What was ReadingRambler trying to prove with his anger? One need only to go half way down in the MIchigan State entry:

"Michigan State University was founded on February 12, 1855. Julius Streicher, a prominent Nazi, was born on that same day years later. Think about it."

Clearly, ReadingRambler was fighting against Anti-Semitism, and the fact one was birthed on or about the same year as one of the most notorious of the Nazi SS shares the same name with the other university, subconsciously he must have associated the two as the same, ergo displaying displeasure towards both.

The anger dissipates with the half-way point, on the Half-assed preview #6: Minnesota. ReadingRambler provides a short analysis, and begins the entry with this: "I don't care."

Clearly, the anger and the negative energy picking at his existence has come to an apex. But with the dissipating anger comes with the dissipating energy. ReadingRambler simply could not give even a Half-assed preview. He simply halved the Half-assed, anti-climatic in a sense considering there were another six teams to preview, not including the Penn State Nittany Lions, his alma mater, which no one as of yet knows whether he will Half-ass preview them at all.

But maybe it wasn't a dissipation of anger, rather the nature of Minnesota itself. The university's mascot, the happy Gopher, brings a sort of childish delight in all football fans, with his buck teeth, wide eyes, and an old fashioned turtle neck sweater. Perhaps one could surmise that ReadingRambler, upon gazing at this plucky rodent, felt his humanity return. Minnesotans were Scandanavian descedants afterall, a once sea faring marauders, now goofy, earthly citizens of this great nation of ours. And one cannot forget the fairer sex of these people: they're blonde.

Hopefully, ReadingRambler will finish the Half-assed preview. Neverthelss, the analysis, even unfinished, will be published and read just like F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Last Tycoon, both monuments of literary and blogging history.

PSU>MSU<UNC

Mr. Rosewater — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 19:07:12 -0000

Let's sing to the champions of college basketball!

I've paid my dues
Time after time
I've done my sentence
But committed no crime
And bad mistakes
I've made a few
I've had my share of sand kicked in my face
But I've come through

We are the champions my friends
(yeah, yeah, I'm over reaching. What of it? You wanna fight?)
And we'll keep on fighting till the end
(I can see the outrage from the blogosphere now...)
We are the champions We are the champions
(“This idiotic PSU fan thinks they're as good as Tar Nation! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!”)
No time for losers 'Cause we are the champions of the world
(seriously, there’s no time for losers, i.e. no time for anyone other than Nittany Nation and Tar Nation)

I've taken my bows
(seriously, don’t take this too seriously)
And my curtain calls
(I’m writing this during my lunch break. Dinty Moore Beef Stew. MMmmmm)
You brought me fame and fortune and everything that goes with it
(but seriously, what in Tar Nation is with Hansbrough’s buggy eyes?)
I thank you all
(Cornley would SMASH those eyes like…like…like Sicilian olives)

But it's been no bed of roses
(so sorry, Spartans. so so very sorry)
No pleasure cruise
(at the very least, you gave the city of Detroit a brief reprieve from an economic devastation that was attributed to a wide range of variables including, but not limited, to 1) mismanagement of the auto industry, 2) careless sub-prime mortgage loans, 3) hedge funds borrowing on 4-1, sometimes 5-1, leverages, 4) the eroding value of the dollar, 5) reckless credit spending, 6) the declining value of AIG’s CDS and CDOs and the idiotic derivative traders who sent the company stocks down 95%, 7) the fact that Detroit is in the state of MICHIGAN, and 8) Ann Arbor is a whore)
I consider it a challenge before the whole human race
(wait a minute. when was Detroit NOT in an economic recession?)
And I ain't gonna lose
(anyways, Spartans, good game. too bad it ended after the 3rd minute of the 1st half)

We are the champions my friend
(I hope y’all know what this song is, being champions and all)
And we'll keep on fighting till the end
(feel free to recommend this fanpost)
We are the champions
(bathe in our glory)
We are the champions
(you’ll never say these words Purdue)
No time for losers
(no time for you Purdue)
'cause we are the champions of the (world)