Dear cruel, cruel hockey world: The Blues are dead. The body isn't quite cold yet, but it's on its way to the morgue. Rigor mortis has set in.

We know some of you out there were drooling about the chance to vilify and lambast the Blues in a roast on Puck Daddy (though obviously you'd be classy about it -- no dementia or wheelchair jokes when it comes to you first-class citizens). Here's the thing, though: We already know what you're going to say, and we know it's going to suck (we've seen your work).

Nobody knows the Blues better than we do. So right now, we're remembering the 2011-2012 St. Louis Blues, who have now been knocked out of the playoffs.

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I was reading through Gallagher's bullet points (dangerous, those) on last night's game, and one of them caught my eye (ow, bullet in the eye). He posits: · Alex Steen's goal was his first career playoff goal. How is that possible? Just crazy.

That DOES seem crazy, doesn't it? But if you think back, it's not that crazy. The evolution of Alex Steen - now THAT's crazy. Let's flash back for a moment -- cue smoke machine and harp for hazy dream sequence...

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Well Blues fans, here come the sleepless nights. The Blues have drawn the San Jose Sharks in the first round, thus ensuring us at least a few nights in which games will start at 9 p.m. or later. So all of us will be heading into the office the morning after those games like zombies, completely devoid of any will or energy to work. The Blues will be in San Jose for at least two games and a maximum of three - on Monday April 16, Thursday April 19 and Monday April 23. You will have to work that Tuesday, Friday and following Tuesday. That sucks.

I'm usually up really late and have to be at work ridiculously early, so I'm somewhat of an expert at how to handle these types of situations. So here are a few tips on how to watch the Blues play the Sharks on the West Coast and keep yourself awake the next morning.

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Jaroslav Halak will take the net tonight against the Blackhawks. Now I know Brad Lee just got done making the case that Ken Hitchcock has a harder decision to make regarding who starts in the playoffs because Brian Elliott has been so awesome lately. But to me, Halak is the monster I want to lead a playoff run, solely based on his performance in clutch games.

What we already know: Halak is one of the best goalies in the NHL. He has 25 wins, a 1.90 GAA, a .927 save percentage and six shutouts. He's ice cold under pressure

And his name is Jaroslav.

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So you’ve probably read all over these fancy interwebs about how good the Blues have been so far this season. They’re a billion and zero and one when facing the Eastern Conference of Pansies. They’re virtually unstoppable since the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man Ken Hitchcock took over as coach and the accountant Davis Payne was ousted.

They’re on a four-game winning streak following their worst stretch this season (which, if I remember right, was just losing three in a row, one via a shootout.

Your St. Louis Blues are thus far undefeated in 2012. So what I’m about to say may sound crazy: These Blues sure as hell aren’t underperforming, but they do have the capacity to be better.

So far this season, we’ve gotten standout performances from several Blues, most notably the fan-damn-tastic goaltending tandem of Brian Elliott and Jaro Halak. Awesome. Not often do you get not one, but two goalies firing on all cylinders for a stretch like this. We’re ridiculously fortunate to be watching it unfold. And some of the skaters (David Backes, T.J. Oshie, unconcussed Nose Alex Steen, Kevin Shattenkirk, Kevin Shattenkirk, Kevin Shattenkirk, Alex Pietrangelo, and I’ll say it even though you won’t unless your name is Gallagher – Barret Jackman) have played like they’re chasing a carrot on a stick.

But there are a number of reasons this team can be better. I hear we like bullet points 'round these parts, but they seem to be reserved only for postgame game wrap-ups. So I guess I can't use bullets...

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Stop me if you’ve heard this one: Enter, Ken Hitchcock. Exit, Russian player. It sounds like a story we’ve heard before, doesn’t it?

Late Thursday night, just days after Hitchcock was hired to take over behind the bench for the Blues, Nikita Nikitin was sent packing to Columbus for Kris Russell. Funny, I thought, a Russian out the door that quickly. Maybe it’s a move just to make a statement. Maybe it’s just because Nikitin sucks. Or maybe it’s more than that.

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Well, that was unexpected. The Blues' Twitter feed and website and P-D beat writer Jeremy Rutherford both say Payne is out and Ken Hitchcock is in as the Blues' next coach. I have no idea what to think about this just yet.

Do you?

So, Game Time readers, I know you like to love and be extra positive on the Blues (don’t we all, except for Brad Lee?). With that in mind, here’s the good news: In case you haven't heard, management went out and ponied up for Jason Arnott and Jamie Langenbrunner in the offseason.

The bad news? It’s not 2005.

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Today, we got official word of what we all wanted, and what we all hoped the Blues wouldn’t fuck up. And fuck it up they didn’t: They named David Backes as captain.

That, friends, is awesome.

What’s not awesome is that we, once again defying all possible hockey normalcy, chose to name a ridiculous number of alternate captains: Barret Jackman, Jamie Langenbrunner, Andy McDonald, Alex Steen, Louie and Angellllllllla. (OK, so the last two are a stretch. You have to wear pants to be a captain, obviously.)

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Dear Chris Osgood ...

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http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/blog/puck_daddy/post/Puck-Daddy-chats-with-North-Dakota-8217-s-Matt-?urn=nhl-wp1602

I read this article about some NoDak kid and I just think it OOZES Oshie. The shit like: "I think the biggest thing was probably the class that I came in with. We're all so close and if you had an opportunity to have another year and a half or two years with them you might as well take it before you go to be professional."

And he's also a shit-stirrer with legal run-ins, etc. -- just seems to be a LOT like T.J. It's time to get over your alma mater, boys. You don't see Alex Pietrangelo hanging out talking about how awesome his juniors teams were. That, I think, is the difference between US college hockey and Canada's juniors. I just can't take U.S. college hockey seriously anymore. The Hobey Baker award is supposed to go to the best college hockey player, and yet the only REALLY good player to win it in the past decade is Ryan Miller. I dunno.

Thoughts?

Since we've seemingly discussed this a lot lately, I went back through the (horrible) P-D archives to check out just how many non-hockey ledes he's written since the season started. The answer: quite a few. I'll start you off with one that's everyone's favorite, and then you can see the other FOURTEEN after the jump.

- Ty Conklin is not a Chilean miner. But if he was, and if he had been stuck underground for 69 days, chances are he could have started in goal the night of his rescue and backstopped his team to a win.

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