SBNation.com User Blog: NoahWhey

I'm Numb

NoahWhey — Mon, 10 Dec 2012 05:52:40 -0000

I've followed the Jags religiously since their inception, and this season is with out a doubt unique. It's gotten so bad that I have become used to the team losing. I'm not upset, or angry - I just miss my team. I miss that team that always gave us something fun to watch. Even during the previous bad years, it was never like this. Last year still gave us a great defensive showing against Baltimore, and a handful of other fun memories. This year, it's like watching a train derailment: I want to look away, but something keeps drawing my eyes back to the wreckage.

Normally, by this point in the season I'd have cracked a joke or two on here or in the Jaguars.com boards. I just can't think of anything funny this time.

I don't even feel like weighing in on the "They should replace the Coach/GM/QB" discussions because I'm to the point where I don't care how the team gets better, I just want the process to begin.

Normally, by this point in the season I'd have cracked a joke or two on here or in the Jaguars.com boards. I just can't think of anything funny this time.

I don't even feel like weighing in on the "They should replace the Coach/GM/QB" discussions because I'm to the point where I don't care how the team gets better, I just want the process to begin.

2021 – Top Ten Jaguars Headlines (in the national media) For The Last 10 Years.

NoahWhey — Sun, 19 Aug 2012 00:01:02 -0000

10. (2012) Jaguars’ Owner Shad Khan Decides He Can Keep Yacht After All, Thanks To Jones-Drew Fines.

9. (2013) With Jag’s First Playoff Appearance Since 2007, Gabbert Has Opportunity to Become a Marginally Competent Game Manager. (by Michael Lombardi)

8. (2014) Jaguars Cap Year With First AFC Championship Game Appearance Since 1999; Team Among Those Named For L.A. (Lower Alabama.)

7. (2015) Jaguars Shock World With Franchise’s First SuperBowl Appearance. Gabbert Accused by Lombardi of Using Steroids.

6. (2016) SuperBowl L: Jaguars 27, Packers 17. Ketchman: “I Should Never Have Left!” Gabbert Accused by Lombardi of Using ~~Steroids~~ ~~HGH~~ Advil.*

* (Honorable Mention) Michael Lombardi to Open New Chain of Sandwich Shops Featuring an All-Bologna Menu.

5. (2017) Jaguars Win Second Consecutive SuperBowl. L.A. Loses Team Again, Will Khan Move Jags?

4. (2018) Blaine Gabbert Makes 4th Pro-Bowl Appearance. “Distant” Mularkey Named NFL Coach of the Year. HBO “Hard Knocks” to Profile New York Pop Warner Team.

3. (2019) Mularkey Longest-Tenured Coach in NFL, Still Distant From Players as Jaguars Win 3rd AFC Championship in 4 Years.

2. (2020) With Fourth Superbowl Title, Gabbert Tries to Shed “Scared” Label.

1. (2021) Jag’s Rolling Through AFC South Again, Will They Trade For Tebow?

* Disclaimer, these headlines do not reflect the actual opinions of the author.

Training Camp 2012: Checking in with the Budlight "Real Men of Genius" announcer.

NoahWhey — Tue, 31 Jul 2012 01:22:17 -0000

:::RMoG announcer is walking away his office mailbox, reading through scripts as he goes:::

ANNOUNCER: Hmmm, let's see, today we salute you "Mr. National Media Troll Guy"....Nope. That one's been beat to death on the O-zone. Next!

Today we salute you, "Mr. Still stuck on Tim Te---!" Geez! give it a rest, people!

:::Crumples up that script, tossing it in a can labled, TO BE SHREDDED, BURNED AND BURIED WITH THE BODY OF THE NEXT PERSON CLAIMING THAT TIM TEBOW WOULD SAVE THE JAGUARS' FRANCHISE.:::

Today we salute you, "Mr. Drop the MMA Training and Work on Catching the Freakin' Ball Guy!" Okay, that might have some promise...

Today we salute you, "Mr. You're Still Making Over 4 Million a Year So Just Show Up and Play Guy!" Right on....

:::RMoG announcer is walking away his office mailbox, reading through scripts as he goes:::

ANNOUNCER: Hmmm, let's see, today we salute you "Mr. National Media Troll Guy"....Nope. That one's been beat to death on the O-zone. Next!

Today we salute you, "Mr. Still stuck on Tim Te---!" Geez! give it a rest, people!

:::Crumples up that script, tossing it in a can labled, TO BE SHREDDED, BURNED AND BURIED WITH THE BODY OF THE NEXT PERSON CLAIMING THAT TIM TEBOW WOULD SAVE THE JAGUARS' FRANCHISE.:::

Today we salute you, "Mr. Drop the MMA Training and Work on Catching the Freakin' Ball Guy!" Okay, that might have some promise...

Today we salute you, "Mr. You're Still Making Over 4 Million a Year So Just Show Up and Play Guy!" Right on....

:::Walks into the studio, setting down remaining scripts and walks to the microphone:::

Hey, Charlie. The writer's send up anything else? The ones in my box are pretty lame.

PRODUCER CHARLIE: Just three: One about the reporter who called Ryan Sanchez "Tim," one about Tebow running shirtless through the rain, and-"

ANNOUNCER: Tebow, Tebow, Tebow! I feel almost like Jan freakin' Brady here! I would be THRILLED if I NEVER have to say that man's name ever again! Yes, I know he's a great guy and a tremendous athlete and a devoted Christian! I know that! I just can't take any more of this HYPE! :::Wipes brow, and takes a few deep breaths::: What else do we have?

PRODUCER CHARLIE: Just this last one, "Mr. Are You Still Beati-"

ANNOUNCER: STOP!!! Nu-uh! Nope! No way am I getting in the middle of THAT! Just hand me the Tebow ones, okay?

Bud-Lite Presents: Real Man of Genius Announcer's Longest Day At Work

NoahWhey — Wed, 21 Mar 2012 21:46:57 -0000

11:00 A.M., Bud-Lite Radio Studios (Secure, undisclosed location)

:::::START MUSIC:::::

ANNOUNCER: Bud-Lite presents, "Real Men of Genius" (Reeeeeaaal Men of Geeeeeeeeniiiiiiuuuuuuussss!) And today we salute you, "Mr. The Jaguars should trade for Tim Tebow Guy!" (Mr. The Jaguars should trade for Tim Teeeebow Guyyyyyyyyy!)

You claim that if he's picked up in a trade, that - ****KNOCKING ON RADIO STUDIO DOOR****

::::MUSIC GRINDING TO A HALT:::::

11:00 A.M., Bud-Lite Radio Studios (Secure, undisclosed location)

:::::START MUSIC:::::

You claim that if he's picked up in a trade, that - ****KNOCKING ON RADIO STUDIO DOOR****

::::MUSIC GRINDING TO A HALT:::::

VOICE ON OTHER SIDE OF DOOR: Ganguli's reporting from multiple sources that the Jags are interested, and are in negotiations to acquire Tebow in a trade.

:::::STUNNED SILENCE:::::

ANNOUNCER: Well what am I supposed to do with this spot, then? WOKV was going to run it during Drive Time tonight!

VOICE ON OTHER SIDE OF DOOR: Legal's approving a new version as we speak. Should be here any time now. Go have lunch, and we'll text you when we're ready to go!

1:05 P.M., Bud-Lite Radio Studios (Undisclosed location)

:::::START MUSIC:::::

ANNOUNCER: Bud-Lite presents, "Real Men of Genius" (Reeeeeaaal Men of Geeeeeeeeniiiiiiuuuuuuussss!) And today we salute you, "Mr. The Jaguars would never trade for Tim Tebow Guy!" (Mr. The Jaguars would never trade for Tim Teeeebow Guyyyyyyyyy!)

Your smug, blind faith in a GM who doesn't believe in Division I schools has caused -

PRODUCER: Hold on.

:::::MUSIC WINDING DOWN, AGAIN:::::

PRODUCER: He's been traded to the Jets.

ANNOUNCER: The Jets?

PRODUCER: Yes.

ANNOUNCER: But what about Sanchez?

PRODUCER: No one's really saying anything yet. I'm guessing they're either looking at Tebow as a "Slash"-type player, or they'll see how things fall out in training camp.

ANNOUNCER: Hmmm. What about this *bleeep* spot then?

PRODUCER: One of the writers just texted me and said they're working on new copy to get to Legal. Wanna run downstairs to the brewery and grab a cold one?

ANNOUNCER: Absolutely! Never had so much trouble trying to record a freaking commercial in my life!

3:57 P.M. Bud-Lite Radio Studios (A ~~Secure, undisclosed loca--~~ room upstairs in the Dunn Ave. Brewery)

:::::START MUSIC:::::

ANNOUNCER: Bud-Lite preshentsh, "Real Men of Geniush" (Reeeeeaaal Men of Geeeeeeeeniiiiiiuuuuuuussss!) And today we shalute you, "Mr. The Jaguarsh are idiotsh for not trading for Tim Tebow Guy!" (Mr. The Jaguars are idiots for not trading for Tim Teeeebow Guyyyyyyyyy!)

BACKUP SINGER: Um, hey the rhythm on that is choppier than the chefs at Daruma Steakhouse. Can we do something about that?

::::SOUND OF POWERED AMPLIFIER BEING UNPLUGGED WITHOUT BEING TURNED OFF FIRST:::::

PRODUCER: Listen, Amadeus, you're paid to sing what the writers write.

BACKUP SINGER: Yeah, I know, but I was gonna use this on my demo tape...

PRODUCER: You wanna go argue with the writers and walk new copy through legal, be my guest.....AFTER you sing the *bleeep* take! Capise?
BACKUP SINGER: [Mutters] I went through 3 and a half years of majoring in voice at Stetson for THIS?!? [More loudly] Yeah, whatever. Can we start over?
ANNOUNCER: [Muttering] Diva.
BACKUP SINGER: Listen, you inebriated, over-paid parrot! I trained for YEARS to -
:::::Announcer is imitating the Backup Singer, using his bare hands as puppets:::::
PRODUCER: Wait a second before you strangle each other, guys. There's been a snag.
:::::Sound of a pin dropping to the studio floor, followed by the universal cartoon xylophone sound for blinking one's eyes :::::
ANNOUNCER AND BACK UP SINGER TOGETHER: S-shnag?
PRODUCER: Yep. Something about language in the contract involving recapturing signing bonus money if Tebow is traded.
JACK DEL RIO: Actually, as Denver's new Defensive Coordinator, I put in a good word for Jacksonville and convinced John to give Moustache Man another chance to be swind- er, deal!
PRODUCER, ANNOUNCER AND BACK UP SINGER: And just how in the *bleeeeeeep* did YOU get in here?!?

JACK DEL RIO: Are you kidding? I've been here, sneaking samples 40 hours a week since Wayne fired me on his way out. I haven't even shown up to work in Denver yet!
PRODUCER, INTO HAND-HELD RADIO: Security.....
TERRENCE KNIGHTON, CHEWING A CELERY STICK: Yes?
:::::STUNNED SILENCE FROM ENTIRE ROOM::::::

TERRENCE KNIGHTON: What?
::::Del Rio takes advantage of the confusion and dashes out the studio door::::
TERRENCE KNIGHTON: Yo, Jack! Wait up! Got any Twinkies?!?
:::::DING! The Producer's text alert goes off.:::::
PRODUCER: Says here that the Jags are back in negotiations for Tebow...
ANNOUNCER: *BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE [due to the family nature of this website, a transcription of the Announcer's six minute, fourty-three second rant cannot be printed here. Suffice to say it involved political, religious, anatomical and physically impossible references and suggestions directed toward Shad Khan, Gene Smith, Tim Tebow, Tim Tebow's entire family tree, the entire coaching staff and front office of BOTH the Denver Broncos and New York Jets, and (somewhat inexplicably) NBA Commissioner David Stern. The unedited rant may be found in full on Alfie Crow's Twitter feed.]EEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!*
PRODUCER: Hello, Doris? Can you phone down to the guys in the brewery and tell them we're gonna need a lot more beer up here?

A Modest Proposal

NoahWhey — Wed, 21 Mar 2012 16:50:58 -0000

In this divisive time, I may have come up with a compromise that might save the city.

We all know the issue: Jacksonville has to decide weather or not to make a popular decision for non-football reasons, or an unpopular one that best preserves our team's chances to succeed in the long haul. I may not be the first one to think of this, but here goes the best compromise I can think of for all sides:

1) Change the name of the team to the Jacksonville Tebows. The new logo can be a silhouette of the Man in his namesake pose.

2) Hire Tim to be the new mascot, replacing Jaxson Deville (Love you Jaxson, but in times like these sacrifices MUST be made.)

3) Let Tim run up and down the sidelines, bungee jump from the light towers, throw t-shirts to the fans, bounce around on the air stilts, and try to signal all FG attempts by the opposition as "out."

4) Keep Blaine at QB if he works out, or bring in a better prospect if he doesn't. Tim can have the Mascot job for as long as he is physically able to do it.

5) When Tebow decides to retire/heads to the great "Overtime in the sky," we can debate changing the name of the team back to the Jaguars. If we decide to stick with the Jacksonville Tebows, a new Mascot costume, complete with halo, harp and wings can be fitted to the new performer.

Additional ideas/input welcome.

A Fervent Prayer

NoahWhey — Tue, 20 Mar 2012 18:49:43 -0000

Rabid Tebow Lovers/Those Who Cannot Take A Joke....move on.

Everyone else, follow the jump.

Rabid Tebow Lovers/Those Who Cannot Take A Joke....move on.

Everyone else, follow the jump.

Our Tebow, who art in Denver,

Trade-bait be thy name.

Thy kingdome come, thy will be done,

Up there, as it is in Florida.

Give us this day our daily beer,

And forgive us our doubts,

As we forgive those who doubt you.

And lead us not into the option,

But deliver us from Manning.

For thine is the football, and the mania, and the
incompletions,

For now and until 1:00PM on Sundays. Amen

In honor of the Jaguars' new owner.

NoahWhey — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 23:34:21 -0000

:::START GUITAR MUSIC:::

It does more between 6 and 9 A.M. on Tuesday than many countries do in a week.

If thrown, it would return to your hand. After hitting the target.

It doesn't get any bigger only because it doesn't want to give your hair an inferiority complex.

It is.....The most interesting 'stache in the world!

:::Closeup on Mr. Khan's moustache:::

"I don't always drink beer, but when I do.....it will be in my suite at Everbank Field!"

:::START GUITAR MUSIC:::

It does more between 6 and 9 A.M. on Tuesday than many countries do in a week.

If thrown, it would return to your hand. After hitting the target.

It doesn't get any bigger only because it doesn't want to give your hair an inferiority complex.

It is.....The most interesting 'stache in the world!

:::Closeup on Mr. Khan's moustache:::

"I don't always drink beer, but when I do.....it will be in my suite at Everbank Field!"

Bullwinkle's Poetry Corner: The Ravens

NoahWhey — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 22:40:47 -0000

Once upon a Monday dreary, of my Jaguars I was leery,
Of their many failures offensively to score.
As the game neared, I sat watching, fearful of a future botching,
A future offensive botching, ruining our chance to score.
Baltimore had Lewis, Suggs, and Reed. It was said they would succeed.
They would leave our quarterback, Blaine Gabbert, bruised and sore.

Ah, distinctly I recall now, the Ravens struggling with the ball. Wow!
Look! Our defense stopped the Ravens cold! With them, they mopped the floor!
In three downs, we had them punting. Chick and Mincey they were hunting,
for the Ravens. They were shoving, stopping them once more.
For our Jaguars were possessed men, men denied five wins before.
Denied five, but not one more!

Josh, our kicker, calm and deadly, kicking up a gorgeous medly,
Of field goals a-plenty. Fifty-yarders, three of four!
As the game went on, he kicked them, sailing, as if God had picked them.
Sailing through the uprights, each time for us three points he’d score.
Soaring straight, right down the middle, he played the uprights like a fiddle,
One not played this masterfully before!

The Ravens’ offense looked like clowns, they could not gain any first downs,
Until halfway through the third quarter! Yet still they needed more!
MJD, he took a licking, but like our D, he’d come up kicking,
Though on the ground, he’d put the ball at least three times before.
Baltimore then scored a touchdown, causing Jaguars fans to frown,
Thinking of games lost before.

As the clock began to dwindle, the Ravens’ “O” started to kindle,
And it looked as if they were almost about ready to score.
Flacco thought his man was open, but Coleman was rope-a-dopin’
That poor schmuck to throw to Dickson, as he had tried before.
Intercepting Joe, we stopped them. And with that pick we topped them!
Quoth the Ravens, “Please, no more!”

Less than halfway through the season, our Jags have given us a reason,
To hope this will not end in a disaster like before.
And now, we’re on to Texas. Where Schaub will try to hex us.
And of our surging defense we Jags fans will now implore:
Don’t get cute, and don’t get cocky, like Stallone in the third Rocky,
Help our offense out, and score!

Jag Wars

NoahWhey — Sat, 24 Sep 2011 14:02:11 -0000

QUARTERBACK 4: A New Hope*

It is a period of discontent. Jaguars players, striking from the relative anonymity that comes from a disbelieving national media, have won their first victory against the evil Tennessee Titans. During the following battle against New York, they were overwhelmed by a superior secondary (and a REALLY bad day at quarterback!) Now in their third week, they face the (not so) secret weapon of the Carolina Panthers, Camon Newto , armed with a passing game that has set rookie NFL records. Pursued by the Panthers' sinister agents, the Jaguars have turned to young Blaine Sunwalker. Blaine becomes the custodian and potential savior for a rag-tag band of rebels out to win a victory for the Jaguar alliance...

* Yes, I know we've had more than 4 people start at QB, let's not split hairs here.

QUARTERBACK 4: A New Hope*

* Yes, I know we've had more than 4 people start at QB, let's not split hairs here.

Un-named Jaguars Receiver: Real Man of Genius

NoahWhey — Sun, 18 Sep 2011 23:09:18 -0000

:::START MUSIC::: And now, Bud-Lite presents "Real Men of Genius!" (Real Men of Geniu-uuuus!) And today we salute you, Mr. Talk-Smack-About-the-NFL'S-Best-Cornerback-While-You're-Riding-The-Stationary-Bike-Guy!" (Mr. Talk-Smack-About-the-NFL'S-Best-Cornerback-While-You're-Riding...Waitaminute, are you *&^%ing Kidding, Meeeeeee?!?!?) No, he really said that Revis was overhyped because he plays in New York City! (New York Ciiit-hehehehe!) He said that the NFL is full of good players and that New York is just seen as better because they get more "pub." (You sound like you've spent all daaaaay IN a pu-uuuub!) He also said that the Florida Times Union is essentially the same as the New York Times (:::Sound of backup singer collapsing in a fit of laughter:::) Now, after watching Luke McCown throw 4 picks and get tackled for a safety, you're oddly silent. (Hey, pedal faster maaaa-aaaan!) In fact, I'm still so stunned by your original statement, that I'm at a greater loss for words than Dan Quayle at an International Thespian Society convention! (Hehe Hooo! Augh, I can't bre-eeeeathe!) So here's to you, Mr. Four-Reception-Cyclist-Guy, crack open a Bud-Lite (Hey, you said "crack!") because after that outstanding public speaking performance, your receiving game needs some good "Pub." (Mr. Talk-Smack-About-the-NFL'S-Best-Cornerback-While-You're-Riding-The-Stationary-Bike-Guy!)

Bud Lite presents Vic Ketchman - Real Man of Genius.

NoahWhey — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 23:04:15 -0000

::::START MUSIC:::: Budweiser presents "Real Men of Genius!" (Real men of geeeniusss!)
And today we salute you, Mr. Vic Ketchman - sportswriter extraordinaire! (Mr. Vic Ketchman - sportswriter extraordina-aaaaire!) For sixteen years, you've been the voice of reason, experience and wisdom to Jaguars fans around the world. (Players not playyys!) Your bailiwick includes football history, strategy, grammar, and insight of some of the greatest players ever to play the game. (He knows Joe Greene!) As your loyal readers are saddened by news of your departure, we think of happier times - like your 7000th explanation of BAP to a guy who also doesn't get why we never went after T.O. in free agency (I neee-eeed a bib!) We remember learning that you had readers in Budapest, Belfast and Toad Suck, Arkansas (Don't forget 999 Oaks!) So as you prepare to head off to Green Bay, remember that you'll always have loyal readers here - along with people who wanted Smith to draft Tebow (I wouldn't worry about that!) So crack open a Bud Light, oh Boss of the Blogs, because you've got a lot more to write before you can go to that mountaintop. (Mr. Vic Ketchman - sportswriter extraordina-aaaaire!)