SBNation.com User Blog: NormanUnderwood

This Is: Hawkeye Football

NormanUnderwood — Thu, 04 Apr 2013 15:25:10 -0000

Hello; my name is Norman Underwood. I'm a blogger. I make occasional offensive posts. That one that accused Texas A&M students of raping a collie? That was mine.

In 1998, I went down to Iowa City, Iowa to a stadium known as Kinnick Stadium. Don't look for it; it's not there anymore. But that night, I observed a game that redefined the limits of athletic competition. I remember being knocked out by their... their exuberance, their raw power - and their punctuality. That team was the world famous Iowa Hawkeyes. Fifteen years and multiple rape investigations later, the Hawkeyes are still going strong. And they've earned a distinguished place in college history as one of the worst returns on coaching salary investment ever. Head coach Kirk Ferentz was being out recruited by Paul Rhoads of the arch-rival Iowa State Cyclones, former conservative offensive coordinator Ken O'Keefe had been replace by even more conservative offensive coordinator Greg Davis, and renowned defensive coordinator Norm Parker had eaten too many Twinkies, lost a foot, and retired. Things were getting a little stale, so to speak.

So in the early spring of 2013, when I heard that the Hawks were moving their annual Spring Practice to a high school stadium in West Des Moines, Iowa on the same day that the rival Cyclones played their Spring Game on their home field, well needless to say I jumped at the chance to make the documentary - the, if you will, "jockumentary" - that you're about to see. I wanted to capture the... the sights, the sounds... the smells of a hard-working football program, on the road. And I got that; I got more... a lot more. What follows is a series of interviews I conducted with key members of the Iowa Hawkeye Football Program, as well as the uncut transcripts of several "behind closed doors" meetings. Stuff for only the true die hards.

But hey, enough of my yakkin'; whaddaya say? Let's boogie!

We were able to get head football coach Kirk Ferentz and his two offensive coordinators in one room, discussing Running Back woes.

Norman Underwood: Now, during the 2004 football season, who was your running back?

Kirk Ferentz: Fred Russell's replacement, Jermelle Lewis. He also died in mysterious circumstances. We were playing a, uh...

Ken O'Keefe: ..Arizona State.

Kirk Ferentz: Arizona State. Jazz blues. Where was that?

Ken O'Keefe: Blues jazz, really.

"Shoeless" Norm Parker: Blues jazz festival. Misnamed.

Ken O'Keefe: It was in the state of, uh...

Kirk Ferentz: State of Arizona. Sun Devil Stadium

Ken O'Keefe: And, uh, it was tragic, really. He exploded on field.

"Shoeless" Norm Parker: Just like that.

Kirk Ferentz: He just went up.

Ken O'Keefe: He just was like a flash of green light... And that was it. Nothing was left.

Kirk Ferentz: Look at his face.

Greg Davis: Well, there was...

Kirk Ferentz: It's true, this really did happen.

Ken O'Keefe: It's true. There was a little green globule on his spot on the bench.

Kirk Ferentz: Like a stain, really.

Ken O'Keefe: It was more of a stain than a globule, actually.

Kirk Ferentz: You know, several, you know, dozens of people spontaneously combust each year. It's just not really widely reported.

The following are excerpts from a series of interviews with the Hawks' current offensive mastermind, Greg Davis
Greg Davis: All diagrams lead to horizontal passes as being the most effective form of ball movement

Norman Underwood: Oh, I see. And most schools throw the ball downfield?

Greg Davis: Exactly.

Norman Underwood: Does that mean it's better? Is it any better?

Greg Davis: Well, it's sideways, isn't it? It's not downfield. You see, most blokes, you know, will be trying to get the ball downfield, towards the endzone. You're going downfield here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you're barelling into the endzone. Where can you go from there? Where?

Norman Underwood: I don't know.

Greg Davis: Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?

Norman Underwood: Throw it sideways.

Greg Davis: Sideways. Exactly. Sideways.

Norman Underwood: Why don't you just throw downfield on occasion and make the opposition cover more of the field?

Greg Davis: [pause] These go sideways.

Greg Davis: We're very lucky in the band in that we have two visionaries, Kirk and Ken, they're like poets, like Shelley and Byron. They're two distinct types of visionaries, it's like fire and ice, basically. I feel my role in the band is to be somewhere in the middle of that, kind of like lukewarm water. But whose not to say I haven't had my visionary moments? I've gorged on Bear Claws maybe 400-500 times.
(goes into diabetic coma)

Greg Davis: It's like, how much more horizontally could we throw the ball? and the answer is none. None more horizontally.

Regarding the Spring Game switch from Iowa City to Des Moines

Gary Barta: The Iowa City gig has been cancelled...

Kirk Ferentz: What?

Gary Barta: Yeah. I wouldn't worry about it though, it's not a big college town. We're going to Des Moines instead.

Kirk Ferentz: Des Moines?

Gary Barta: Yeah. It's in India or something.

A rare interview with Cyclone defector and current Hawkeye running back Barkley Hill

Norman Underwood: Given the history of Hawkeye running backs, uh, in the past, do you have any fears, uh, for your life?

Barkley Hill: When I did join, you know, they did tell me - they kind of took me aside and said, "Well, Barkley, It's, you know, it's like this..." And it did kind of freak me out a bit. But it can't always happen to every one, can it? I mean, really...

Norman Underwood: Because the law of averages...

Barkley Hill: ...The law of averages...

Norman Underwood: ...Says you will survive.

Barkley Hill: Yeh.

We were able to visit one-on-one with former defensive guru "Shoeless" Norm Parker about his health problems.

Norman Underwood: Do you feel that Type II adult diabetes and subsequent amputation keeps you a child? That is, keeps you in a state of arrested development?

"Shoeless" Norm Parker: No. No. No. I feel it's like, it's more like going, going to a, a national park or something. And there's, you know, they preserve the moose. And that's, that's my childhood out there on the field. That moose, you know.

Norman Underwood: So when you're coaching you feel like a preserved moose on crutches?

"Shoeless" Norm Parker: Yeah.

Here, I was able to get up close and personal on a conversation between Iowa President Sally Mason and Coach Kirk Ferentz regarding the 2013 Hawkeye football poster...

Sally Mason: You put a greased naked woman on all fours with a dog collar around her neck, and a leash, and Everson and Satterfield double teaming her, and pushing a black glove in her face to sniff it. You don't find that offensive? You don't find that sexist?

Kirk Ferentz: This is 2013, Sally, c'mon!

Sally Mason: That's right, it's 2013! Get out of the Steve Alford era. We don't have this mentality anymore.

Kirk Ferentz: Well, you should have seen the cover they wanted to do! It wasn't a glove, believe me.

After Sally Mason shoots down the boys' idea for the 2013 football poster, they receive a copy of Iowa State's football poster which features this image:

Kirk Ferentz: Whadda' ya mean their poster is fine? Its much more offensive than ours.

Gary Barta: Boys, settle down. You see, the reason they're all so upset about this year's football poster is because, you know, its the lady with the chain around her neck, getting raped by the defensive back. Their poster just features Herky getting cornholed by a Cardinal.

Greg Davis: Ohh... Its because, our poster has a woman and their's has a bird.

Gary Barta: Yes. Exactly. That's the genius of it. That could have been your idea, but yours was stupid. Its a fine line you know?

Kirk Ferentz: Yeah. Its such a fine line between stupid, and uh...

Greg Davis: Clever.

Kirk Ferentz: Yes. Clever.

Well folks, there you have it. The guts, the glory, the passion, the... the... brilliance.

Hawkeye Football

WRNL's Guide to the Offseason

NormanUnderwood — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 13:58:31 -0000

Good day, intrepid WRNL readers!

As you may well be aware, Iowa State basketball is done for the year, and the NCAA tournament is nearly wrapped up. We're moving into a very dangerous part of the year, athletically speaking. Where college basketball, football, and NFL once dominated, we are now staring down the athletic abyss known as "baseball" season. Sure, NHL and NBA playoffs can be a pleasant diversion, but its no guarantee. I fear say it, but we're moving into that time of year where one has to look inward and discover sources for entertaining that don't involve sitting on a couch, drinking beer, watching football/basketball, and "chatting" with strangers on the internet.

So here at the WRNL brain trust, we put our skulls together and decided to put together a suggestion guide of wholesome activities designed for surviving the period of time between now and August.

1. Develop a crippling heroin habit

Let's be honest guys, an eclectic group of geniuses like the WRNL crowd is always looking for mind expanding experiences. The only surefire way to take that next step is to jam your system so full of horse that you become hopelessly addicted, and basically sulk in the shadows of your basement until you either shove a shotgun down your throat, or choke on your vomit in a stupor. If it worked for Kurt Cobain and Jesse's girlfriend in "Breaking Bad", it can work for you!

2. Start watching baseball.

Because, you know, it’s the Cubs year this year.

*WRNL does not actually endorse watching baseball. The watching of baseball is severely boring which can lead to such other degenerate habits as excessive masturbation, which can result in penile chaffing.

3. Start mentoring children.

I can't really think of a better way for a bunch of borderline alcoholic, tranny porn watching sports junkies to give back to society than ensuring that that there is another generation of borderline alcoholic tranny porn watching sports junkies being groomed to take our place.

4. Make a Twitter account solely devoted to posting false information about Big 12 expansion.

Because the Dude is so gauche.

5. Bullshitting in the MMD comment section.

This one is actually serious.

6. Get into the NHL playoffs and pretend you actually like hockey.

If there is a crowd that is meant to indulge in fast-paced North American bloodsport, its this one. Besides, remember how much fun you had jumping on the Blackhawks bandwagon in 2010?

7. Become penpals with Steve Alford.

Golly gee. Just think of all the great stories he will be able to tell about demanding McDonald attendants in Bel-Air provide him with free meals, and intimidating rape victims in SoCal!

8. Apply for the Minnesota coaching vacancy.

You're probably their next offer anyways.

9. Volunteer at a nursing home.

We know you're desperate. So are all those old ladies who haven't seen a crank since the Reagan Administration. Win-win.

10. Lower your sperm count.

Take up biking as a hobby. The constricting compression shorts and bruising punishment that your sack and taint will endure amid scorching temperatures will be sure to kill off your little swimmers. It's probably for the best that this crowd not reproduce anyway.

These are our Top 10 suggestions for surviving between now and the start of football season. We encourage you, the readers, to submit your own suggestions.

Friday Confessions Thread

NormanUnderwood — Fri, 09 Nov 2012 15:48:34 -0000

Haven't done one of these for awhile. Should be a good way to kill the day.

I sharted in the shower last week.

Haven't done one of these for awhile. Should be a good way to kill the day.

I sharted in the shower last week.

Turning the Tide?

NormanUnderwood — Fri, 02 Nov 2012 12:33:10 -0000

You saw it in a piece from CyForPresident earlier in the week. Not like you needed to. We all know how bad this series has been for the home team. I would bet there are very few regular WRNL readers that actually remember our last victory over OU. In 1990 I was far too busy playing with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on Saturdays to be worried about football. I would wager that the last time ISU beat OU in Ames Rock City, there wasn't a single WRNL reader that was actually born. Shit, I was so far from existence that my old man was still in diapers in 1960. Since the beginning of the Big 8, Oklahoma has pummeled into Iowa State like a relentless, automatic, tide.

But someday, that tide has to turn.

I still remember walking out of Jack Trice Stadium on October 20th, 2007 with a strange feeling. If you remember, a 1-7 ISU squad had just gone toe-to-toe with the #4 Sooners, just one week after a 56-3 thrashing at the hands of Texas. The final score was 17-7, but the game was closer than that. ISU had taken a 7-0 lead into the locker room at half time, and had pissed away 3 red zone possessions on a Culbertson chip shot that went wide right (I realize how unlikely that sounds), a 4th and 1 that came up short, and an interception of a tipped Bret Meyer throw (that should have been caught) in the end zone.

I walked out of Jack Trice thinking that the tide had turned.

In the McCarney era, teams like #4 Oklahoma came into Jack Trice and kicked even the good Cyclone squads up and down the field. Bloodbath after bloodbath had unfolded that way, with Danny Mac pacing the sidelines, clapping, and saying things like "we won the 4th quarter".

But not that day. No, Gene Chizik's Cyclones (God, it pains me to write that) didn't care that they were nowhere close to that Sooner team in terms of talent. They didn't care that they just had their ass handed to them by Texas the week before. They just went out and played their dicks off. They hit hard. They played with pride. They played knowing they could win. That team would go on to close the season with a 2 game win streak in Jack Trice, before a 2008 collapse that lead to the Exodus of Gene Chizik and the ascension of Paul Rhoads.

Flash forward to November 26, 2011. The Cyclones have just beaten #2 Oklahoma State in a game that has been written about a million times, and that we will all never forget. 5-68-2. That was the number facing them in Norman. With the biggest victory in school history, and bowl eligibility in hand, it seemed the prime situation for a complete let-down for Rhoads and the Cyclones. There was something a little different this day, though.

While the offense slept-walked through a pathetic performance that showcased Jared Barnett's struggles in throwing the football, and featured an extremely out-of-character lack of ball security on James White's part, ISU's defense forced three OU turnovers, and harassed the Sooner offense all day. The game ended 26-6, but just like in 2007, it was closer than it appeared. While the offense provided OU with ample opportunity for a blow out win, that didn't happen. These guys were here to play, and you could see that the all-time record, and the gap between these programs didn't mean a damn thing.

Which brings us to Saturday. OU comes to Jack Trice on the heels of a crushing 30-10 loss to Notre Dame which essentially ends whatever hopes they had of a Big 12 title or National Championship appearance. The Cyclones are riding high on the back of a rejuvenated Steele Jantz who just turned in one of the best quarterbacking performances in school history, tying records for completions (36) and touchdowns (5) in one game. The defense held the Baylor offense, #3 in the nation heading into that game, to 21 points, and one of those TDs was essentially in "garbage" time. Just like last year, we have a highly ranked squad from Oklahoma coming into Jack Trice as we play to secure bowl eligibility. Just like last year, its going to be a full house.

5 years ago, OU paid their last visit to Ames. They took on a poor Cyclone squad that was playing with nothing to lose. A Cyclone squad that nearly won against a team with exponentially more talent. On Saturday, we're going to see a completely different program. The talent gap has narrowed. This squad knows how to win big games. Once again, this team will play with nothing to lose.

Nothing, except that Gorilla on their back wearing a "5-69-2" shirt.

Hate Week. The Real One.

NormanUnderwood — Thu, 25 Oct 2012 13:48:44 -0000

I'm assuming that when you hear the term "Hate Week" on an Iowa State blog, you're assuming that it refers to the University of Iowa. Well, most of the time you would be correct. However, when it comes to Mr. Underwood, you would be 100% off the mark. Don't get me wrong. I hate the Hawks. People from Chicago suburbs are douche bags. The Iowa City bars aren't all that much fun. Nothing is more annoying than a Knoxville trailer park resident insulting Iowa State University and "Lames" despite his inability to point out Iowa City on a map.

But you know what? I can respect segments of the Iowa fanbase. Iowa got butt trounced by Penn State on Saturday, and will be lucky to make a bowl. They have one season over 9 wins in the since 2004 (which is pretty good), but they will pack the fucking house next weekend. To put it simply, Iowa fans care, and they will support less than stellar success.

Which brings me to my target of the week.

Baylor.

FUCK Baylor. I have NEVER seen a school have the level of success that their football and men's basketball programs enjoyed last year be met with so much apathy from its own fanbase. In some respects, I hate Baylor more than any school on our schedule because their fans refuse to support a quality athletic product.

My story with Baylor is a complicated one. For years I saw them as ISU's long lost brother in the old Big 12 South. I rooted for them to pull through the murder scandal. I lustily celebrated their upsets of OU and Aggy during the Guy Morris era. I wasn't even that mad when they ended their 10 year conference road losing streak in Jack Trice, because, hey, it was Baylor.

And then I went to Waco.

In the fall of 2008, I geared up for my buddies' and I's annual football road trip. We had selected Waco because my buddy WeeWee had just moved to Houston, and it was a good excuse to go visit him. I scouted some message boards and asked around about the tailgate scene. I was told that while things wouldn't match ISU standards, I would be met by a healthy tailgate scene and friendly fans.

This turned out to be the equivalent of being promised a ribeye from the McDonald's dollar menu.

Fueled by a solid morning of drinking, we rolled into Waco that day wholly unprepared for what we would discover. I had checked out Floyd-Casey Stadium (or FCS, the acronym for the college football subdivision where Baylor's fanbase and defense belong) on Google and it appeared to have the best of both worlds: ample parking right next to a residential neighborhood that assumedly embraced Baylor game day. This couldn't fail. Wrong.

We pull off I-35 and start to notice right away that Waco is full of dirty gas stations and strip malls. As we inch closer to the stadium, we realize that there is absolutely fucking nobody at the game. As we circle Floyd-Casey, we notice that there are literally no tailgates set up. We roll right into a parking spot, next to a few other ISU fans. The only other people there.

We set up, and kick back, and spend the rest of the day pretty much surrounded by nothing but ISU fans. Cars show up, but people disappear. We see a Baylor tailgate set up, but when we approach to mingle, we're greeted by frat boys in popped collars and white slacks who look at us like we're aliens. We see very few other Baylor fans prior to kick.

Eventually its time to head into the game. We're immediately ejected for consuming alcohol, and somehow manage to sneak back in. Once we find our seats, we take in the crowd of roughly 20,000 Baylor fans and 5,000 ISU fans. The Bears kick our ass, and we go on our way.

Flash forward: In the interim, I have visited 4 other Big 12 schools including TCU. At no other school have I witnessed anything approaching the fan apathy I saw in Waco. Where the Baylor lots were barren and empty up to an hour prior to kick, the other fanbases celebrate their school. Where Baylor fans were cold and aloof to ISU fans, the other fanbases have been welcoming and friendly. At all other schools fans embraced the idea of tailgating, partying, and being good hosts.

But not Baylor. While the Bears have enjoyed 10 win seasons and a Heisman Trophy Winner, they've struggled to fill a less-than-50K seat stadium. Now they're even bothering to build a brand new gajillion dollar stadium that no one is going to show up to either. Baylor can't put 50,000 people in their stadium in a football crazy state when they're less than 2 hours from either DFW or Austin.

Why is this? Is this because they're a small school? Bear fans would like to have you believe this, but do you think that Notre Dame has a large student body? The stadium isn't that damn big, and they had to put a tarp in to cover a 5,000 seat section because they could never fucking sell out. No; this is all because Baylor fans suck. This phenomena is not exclusive to football. Baylor basketball has been excellent for about 5 years, yet they still fail to come anywhere close to filling a 10,000 seat arena.

Simply put: Baylor fans suck. They are the worst fanbase in the Big 12, by a mile. Yeah, TCU fans don't attend that well, but at least the ones who do know how to party and have a good time. When you call Baylor fans (at least the ones who troll CycloneFanatic and the ESPN boards) on their shit they respond with stuff like "well, your fans go to sporting events because Iowa sucks. In Texas we have awesome stuff to do like going vigilante on illegal immigrants, talking about how awesome Texas is, and executing the mentally handicapped".

That's right. Baylor fans actually brag about why they don't go to games and support their team.

That last sentence says more than anything else I could type. These people simply don't deserve the quality programs they've watched over the past years. This is why it is imperative for us to find a running game, stuff it up their ass, and send them back to Waco to get invaded by the ATF. Go fuck yourself, Baylor.

Mark Farley Gags on Ferentz's Meat Pole

NormanUnderwood — Tue, 11 Sep 2012 14:58:06 -0000

"But at the same time, you can add the fact that it's the University of Iowa, it's still the No. 1 team in the state as far as football, athletics are concerned. It's still our pro team." - Mark Farley

Could this guy wrap his mouth any firmer around the U of I's dick? What a stereotypical Purple Hawk. God, I hate this guy.

Know Your Enemy: West Virginia University

NormanUnderwood — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 14:53:18 -0000

With football season rapidly approaching, it dawned on me that we here at WRNL have yet to complete our annual briefing of the unfamiliar schools on the Cyclones schedule. Welcome to our universally reviled "Know Your Enemy" Series: A guide to the unfamiliar schools on the Cyclones’ football schedule that has been accused of xenophobia, misogyny, and religious bigotry. It is time to enter a new edition in this series as we begin to welcome Big 12 newcomers. After last week’s roast of TCU, we move on to everyone’s favorite Big 12 newcomer, the West Virginia Mountaineers.

STADIUM: The West Virginia University Mountaineers take the field at venerable, wait… Is that? No. It can’t be. Yes, it must be. Apparently WVU plays at Jack Trice? OHHHH. Never mind. They just play in a building that looks exactly like Jack Trice, but just contains half as many teeth and half as many gene pools ("West Virginians = hicks" jokes are really fresh and original, amirite?). But at least they’ve bowled in those endzones.

via www.microtelames.com

via upload.wikimedia.org

TEAM: West Virginia is kind of Iowa-esque, in that they’ve spent the past few years getting into better bowl games than they really deserve by being part of a god awful conference, but then they turn around and just win bowl games. Geno Smith is a hell of a quarterback and a Heisman candidate. WVU will probably beat ISU, but hey, I said the same thing about OK State last year.

Perhaps one of the more interesting things about the Mountaineer team is that they’re coached by mangina-rocking, skullet adorning phenom, Buffalo Bill.

via laydenrobinson.files.wordpress.com

When this crazy bastard isn’t throwing young ladies into basement wells and tucking his crank between his legs, the Mount Pleasant native can be found pounding Red Bull/vodkas, getting thrown out of casinos, and making defenses put the lotion on their skin (lest they get the hose again).

MASCOT: The Big 12 is home of some of the worst mascots in big time college football. Between the pedo-staches at TTU and OSU, and the animal-head/human body set up advocated by KSU and TCU, the conference really has some creepy mascotting.

Thank you, West Virginia, for ensuring this great tradition of ours remains unbroken. West Virginia presents the Big 12’s first all-human mascot, the Mountaineer.

via cache.daylife.com

After having undertaken a thorough search, which undoubtedly entails running Morgantown’s homeless through a daunting series of physical drills, WVU finds the most spirited hilljack meth-head Jesus Christ look alike available, and dresses him up in a bear-skin suit and a coon-skin (recycled from actual lynchings! Wait. Real Virginia are the racists; our apologizes) hat. Then they give him a loaded gun and run around the field for free moonshine and handjobs from Rich Rodriguez. There’s nothing to be concerned about here.

TRADITIONS: West Virginia’s most well known tradition is just generally behaving like a bunch of wild-ass hillbilly sociopaths. This can manifest itself in many forms, from assaulting and berating visiting fans, to burning couches. SERIOUSLY. What kind of low-rent buck toothed hilljack inbred fanbase publicly burns stuff simply for the hell of it? DON’T YOU KNOW HOW DANGEROUS BURNING THINGS IS WEST VIRGINIA? Someone could get hurt! Its damn embarrassing that the Big 12 has embraced a university whose students are so fond of setting furniture and other objects ablaze.

via media.tumblr.com

via 3.bp.blogspot.com

West Virginia’s other main tradition revolves around holding hands and singing John Denver songs. Totally hetero.

However, perhaps my favorite West Virginia tradition is the one of being fucked in the ass by Paul Rhoads and Wally Burnham. What do I speak of, you may ask? Well, in 2007, WVU was probably the best team in the country, but they lost two close games to USF and a 5-7 Pitt squad, in which the high flying unstoppable attack of Pat White and Steve Slaton were ground to a halt by some scrappy defense. These scrappy defenses were helmed by none other than Burnham and Rhoads. Lord only knows what the Rhoads/Burnham tea-bag combo has in store for WVU this year!

via bloximages.chicago2.vip.townnews.com

AGAINST ISU: We’ve never played each other, so this section of KYE is a big old Who Gives a Fuck? Salad.

Welcome to the Big 12, WVU. And yes, Kansas does have a purty mouth.

WRNL WORLDWIDE! We're starting a new thing here at WRNL: Whenever you find yourself in an...

NormanUnderwood — Tue, 21 Aug 2012 02:36:58 -0000

WRNL WORLDWIDE!

We're starting a new thing here at WRNL: Whenever you find yourself in an interesting place, make sure to snap a picture of yourself rocking your WRNL gear and Fanpost it. Best picture every 6 months will win a free t-shirt (if we ever even get around to making any more) or Cyssormytimbers alone in a closet for 30 seconds. Your choice. GAME ON.

(picture = Norman Underwood atop Sunlight Peak, elevation 14,058, Silverton CO.)

Know Your Enemy: Texas Christian University

NormanUnderwood — Mon, 13 Aug 2012 12:36:46 -0000

Continue after the jump

STADIUM: The Texas Christian University Horned Frogs will open their tenure in the Big 12 stadium in an absolute palace of a renovated Amon G. Carter Stadium. These luxurious new digs beg the question: If a beautiful stadium routinely sits empty, is it really a stadium? You see, "Purple Baylor" isn’t just a clever nickname. Just like real Baylor, Purple Baylor makes a tradition of ignoring unprecedented success from their football program. We can assume, that just like real Baylor, Purple Baylor blames this on small enrollment, rather than the likely reality that their upper-crust student body/alumni are more interested in things like "jumping the hilly brush" and naming their kids "Chet".

via www.stadium.tcu.edu

TEAM: We all know that TCU has been really fucking good lately. They beat Wisconsin in the Rose Bowl and they’ve been winning 10+ games a season for like a decade or so. QB Casey "El Tinfoilio Luchador" Pachall returns after a stellar sophomore season to lead the offense.

via 1.bp.blogspot.com

Unfortunately for TCU, it appears that about half their defense decided to get high one day, watch Scarface, and proceed to think that they were all a bunch of little Tony Montanas. Half of the TCU defense has now "said good night to the bad guy" and got booted out of school (and off of the football squad) due to their un-Christian-like behaviors. The Frogs took a big hit in all of this, but will still be a tough out.

MASCOT: We really thought that the Big 12 couldn’t get any worse in terms of stupid mascots. There’s Willie the Wildcat, with his cat’s-head-on-a-human-body ridiculousness. There’s Pistol Pete, and his unwavering pedo-stache that could make Sandusky blush. The new blood has to be an upgrade, right?

Wrong.

via upload.wikimedia.org

Mashing up Willie’s terrible "animal head on a human" body with a design that looks like something out of "My Pretty Pony", TCU has created a true entertainment abortion. We give you, Super Frog. Yes, that’s right. Super Frog. If you think this is a ridiculously dumb name for a mascot, you should see what it was originally called. Prior to 1979, Super Frog was known as Addy the All-American Frog.

Yup.

TRADITIONS: As you may already be aware of, Texas Christian University is located in Texas. This means that in true idiot Texan fashion, they have a school "hand signal" that fans and alums flash at each other to show that they are fans of their particular Texas school. Because, you know, they don’t make t-shirts.

via www.dallasnews.com

Anyhow, in a field rife with examples of complete lame-ness, such as Texas A&M’s "Gig ‘Em" and Baylor’s laughably pathetic "Sic ‘Em", TCU has opted for something that looks like curled up bunny ears. Seriously. This is supposed to be cool, or scary, or something. I don’t know what its called. I don’t care. All I know is that out of all the stupid Texas school hand signals, Little Bunny Fufu has taken the god damn cake.

AGAINST ISU: We have a losing record against to TCU thanks to Dan McCarney sucking at overtime, and a very strange 2005 Houston Bowl, a game most notable for CylentButDeadly shitting his pants at the tailgate.

Welcome to the Big 12, TCU. Now jam that little bunny fufu up your ass and go fuck yourself.

Hilarious GIF from our friends at The Smoking Musket (WVU). That's the former Big East commish as...

NormanUnderwood — Tue, 05 Jun 2012 16:08:24 -0000

Hilarious GIF from our friends at The Smoking Musket (WVU). That's the former Big East commish as Randy.

The Big 12 as Trailer Park Boys

NormanUnderwood — Wed, 23 May 2012 02:09:33 -0000

It is the off-season here at WRNL, and we all know what that means: BIG 12 COMPARISON PIECES. You will likely see a hundred of these types of things all off-season. Well, here at WRNL we wanted to bring something a little unique. Some of you may be asking yourself "what in the hell is Trailer Park Boys"? For the uninitiated, it is a Canadian TV show about some crime-ridden Canadian rednecks in a Nova Scotia trailer park. It is extremely funny, and displays a sense of humor that would likely resonate with the WRNL reader. We have included all former and current conference members.

If you are unfamiliar with the characters, go ahead and check out the clips included with each comparison, and if you're well versed in Rickyisms, shit analogies, and Randy's gut, then jump in and enjoy after the jump.

Texas = Ricky.

The loud mouth de facto leader of the Park. Enjoys bossing his friends around, smoking, swearing, getting drunk as fuck, and more than anything, fucking with Lahey. Ricky occasionally threatens to leave the park and head to Toronto, but he always gets talked off the ledge for a box of chicken fingers ($8 a pack, the good kind!) and some dope.

Aggie = Jim Lahey.

Lahey used to be a powerful, respected cop, but was fired in the 70’s for getting drunk on duty, running into a trailer, and pissing himeslf. Ever since his fall from grace, his only joy in life comes from getting so drunk that he pisses himself, and trying to make Ricky’s life a living hell. However, whenever Lahey goes toe-to-toe with Ricky, he comes out in worse shape than he started. Lahey struggles with comprehending and is prone to delusions of grandeur where he puts on his old uniform and tries to convince the park residents that he’s still a real cop. He eventual got some redemption when he got let back on the force (or into the SEC), but the joy was short lived as he instantly found that he was the low man on the totem pole, and the butt of jokes among the other cops. This realization eventually drives him off the deep end completely.

Mizzou = Randy.

Lahey's shirtless assistant trailer park supervisor/gay lover with a giant gut and Elvis-style pompadour. Generally the submissive member in their gay partnership, but will occasionally step out of Lahey's shadow and go his own way for a short time, only to have it end in disaster. Randy’s biggest achievement comes when he’s able to impregnate Ricky’s girlfriend while Ricky and Ray are in the drunk tank (leave for the SEC on A&M’s coat-tails). While Randy was able to rise from a drunk male prostitute to a drunk assistant trailer park supervisor (on its knees begging for Big 10 membership to SEC member), he still struggles to shake his reputation as a worthless, sycophant whore.

K State = Sam Losco.

Losco is a drunk, greasy veterinarian who is generally regarded by fellow park residents as a disgusting, incompetent Caveman. While generally mocked and disregarded by the rest of the park, Losco has been known to rise up every once and a while and hold delivery guys hostage or steal Lahey's wife. He may be a greasy old Caveman, but don't sleep on Losco. He is a major thorn in the side for most park residents.

KU = Phil(adelphia) Collins.

Phil (full name: Philadelphia) is a fat-gutted snuffalufogus mustard tiger who specializes in one thing (making burgers/basketball). He’s really fucking good at that, and really fucking bad at everything else. Prone to explosive belches containing food particles when punched in the gut/choking in the NCAA tournament.

OU = Julian.

One of the more ambitious guys in the park, Julian is a pretty bright, driven who guy who really excels in certain areas (book learning/football) while being a complete and utter failure in others (talking to the cops/basketball). His big, sexy muscles have always made him a target for Lahey’s secret affections, and have helped him earn respect around the par. Julian's abilities make him an important guy in the park, but his failures keep him from ever really being top dog and at the end of the day, he’s still just a greasy trailer park boy.

OSU = Jacob.

Julian-lite. Jacob spends most of the series as an ancillary character, but when his mustard tiger father has some business success, Jacob rises the ladder to become Julian’s right hand man. Jacob is so enamored with Julian that he begins acting and dressing exactly Julian, despite his being much scrawnier and less respected in the park. Jacob, however, is a scrapper. Eventually he fights through being abandoned in the woods and getting dysentery, to getting the girl and the respect of the Boys.

Tech = J-Roc.

Thinks he's something that he isn't (black/powerhouse) and likes to put on a tough exterior. His failures only serve to reveal the vulnerable interior of an insecure poser. J-Roc is kind of a loveable fuck-up, but he’s been known to get himself caught in some potentially career killing situations, like getting caught fapping right before a big show (or firing Mike Leach because Craig James said so). It’s hard to feel sorry for a white guy whose favorite word is "gnomesane" (know-what-I’m-saying).

West Virginia = Ray.

This loveable ex-trucker is a degenerate alcoholic who is completely addicted to gambling on Video-Lottery-Machines and getting lap-dances in his wheelchair. Recently promoted to park supervisor (or the Big 12) Ray prefers to spend his time driving around drunk and waving to everyone in the park. Ray’s just couldn’t be happier to be in Sunnyvale (the Big 12) and he wears it on his sleeve. Help his fuck, LIFE, IS, GREAT. Ray is both irresponsible and untrustworthy, but at the same time capable of providing deep insights into life. It's all about the sparrows and the bacon. Fuckin’ way she goes.

Baylor = Lucy.

Ricky's annoying, demanding, bitchy on-again-off-again girlfriend. She got a lot hotter after going out and buying fake boobs (RGIII), but the luster soon wears off and she's as annoying as ever. For some unexplained reason, Ricky seems overly loyal to Lucy and refuses to abandon her even when she deserves it (conference realignment). Lucy holds a power over Ricky that no one can explain (Ken Starr).

TCU = Sarah.

Lucy's best friend and side kick. There really isn’t much difference between Lucy and Sarah (she even used to bang Ricky too). They’re always hanging out, annoying the shit out of everyone and demanding a cut of the boys illegal activities. Sarah loves smoking dope.

(See the video for Lucy. They're the same character anyway)

ISU = Bubbles.

Well liked amongst park residents because he's thoughtful, intelligent, and most importantly not a threat to anyone. Bubbles is fairly sensitive, due to his deep seeded fear of being abandoned (his parents ran off when he was a little guy) and absolutely hates it when everyone gets into a fight. However, despite his docile nature, Bubbles is capable of firing off a real zinger from time to time, or turning into his alter ego (The Green Bastard/destroying the BCS and OSU’s national title hopes) and revealing his secret talent as a capable wrestler.

Nebraska and Colorado = Corey and Trevor.

These dispensable fuck ups go mental at the end of Season 6 after years of mental and physical abuse at the hands of Ricky and Julian. Ricky admits to missing them, but most likely it is only because he misses having such a convenient scapegoat.

Know Your Enemy: University of Tulsa

NormanUnderwood — Thu, 17 May 2012 13:22:42 -0000

Welcome to the spectator sport hell known as "baseball season". While this time of year provides little opportunity to actually watch entertaining athletic competition (outside of the Stanley Cup playoffs, naturally) it provides ample opportunity to tastelessly lampoon our upcoming opponents. Welcome to our universally reviled "Know Your Enemy" Series: A guide to the unfamiliar schools on the Cyclones’ football schedule that has been accused of xenophobia, misogyny, and religious bigotry. Enjoy.

Continue after the jump

STADIUM: The University of Tulsa Golden Hurricanes take the field at miniscule Skelly Field at H. A. Chapman Stadium, located directly on Historic Route 66 on the Tulsa campus. The stadium was named after Southern oil man William Skelly. Thanks, Tulsa. We can only assume he was an asshole bazillionaire who lit cigars with flaming $100 bills, dumped oil into fragile marshland ecosystems for the hell of it and owned slaves after the passing of the Emancipation Proclamation.

Not only does it can it seat up to 10,000 Hurricane fans (and another 20,000 Cowboy or Sooner fans, depending on the year), it is also conveniently located a few blocks from Tacos Don Francisco (which makes a killer lengua burrito). So it has that going for it.

Hey Tulsa, Baylor thinks your fan support sucks.

TEAM: Tulsa had some really good teams over the past 10 years. They were coached by that dude with the Tom Selleck mustache that almost killed Louisville’s program. Then they had that asshole who left Rice after a year, came to Tulsa, then left, then went to Pitt for a year, then went to Arizona State. Gus Malzahn was there in some capacity too. They had some high flying offense with players that no one can name, and now all of those dudes are gone and they have that shitbag from Nebraska that Lattimer forced the controversial fumble on in 2010 starting at QB. This isn’t 2008’s Tulsa.

Tulsa's Lattimer Alert is currently at the "elevated" level

If you expected any more than this about the 2012 University of Tulsa Golden Hurricane football squad, I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul.

MASCOT: Just when you thought that there couldn’t be worse mascots than some of the creepers in the Big 12 (like Pistol Pete or Willie the Wildcat), you find this:

I don't think that middle cheerleader will be topping the pyramid anytime soon

This is what happens when you’re stuck in C-USA, have no mascot budget, and are forced to pay some stoned freshman graphic design major three bags of Cool Ranch Doritos in order to get a mascot design put together. Ladies and gentlemen, this walking abortion is the reason that Cy is a Cardinal, and not a Cyclone. Looking like a cross between a conical dehydrated piece of dog shit with eyes and a walking turnip, the Tulsa mascot should be Exhibit A in the case of Why-You-Don’t-Design-Mascots-After-Weather-Phenomena v. Rationality.

We've got spirit, yes we do. We are turnips filled with poo!

TRADITIONS: I actually have some level of familiarity (and fondness, if you can believe it from what I’ve written) for the University of Tulsa as my cousin (and frequent college football road trip companion) attended law school there and still lives in the city. The only UT tradition I’ve noticed in my several visits is how much they love to bitch about being (supposedly) the smallest school in the FBS. So there’s that. And being Sooner fans (much like UNI students rooting for Iowa).

AGAINST ISU: We’ve probably played Tulsa before. They probably beat us. This was probably in the 80’s or 90’s. I’m not sure, and I don’t care. I do know they beat Iowa in either at the end of the Fry era or the beginning of the Ferentz era, so that’s cool. Also, "Tulsa" spelled backwards is "A slut". So they have that going for them too.

Friday Confessions Thread

NormanUnderwood — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 12:48:23 -0000

Well, I fucked up and missed last week's.

My confession: my binge at VEISHEA tonight will be the first time I've gotten legitimately drunk in over a month. 'Bout damn time.

Well, I fucked up and missed last week's.

My confession: my binge at VEISHEA tonight will be the first time I've gotten legitimately drunk in over a month. 'Bout damn time.

Friday Confessions Thread

NormanUnderwood — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 13:38:49 -0000

I put my dog in a headlock, in my sleep.

Official Friday Confessions Thread

NormanUnderwood — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 13:22:58 -0000

Fire away

Friday Confessions Thread

NormanUnderwood — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 14:20:58 -0000

You know the drill.

Official Friday Confessions Thread

NormanUnderwood — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 14:33:15 -0000

Are you a fan of Friday Confession Threads but struggle with trying to make your stories family friendly?

Do you yearn to be able to release your Friday Confessions in an unfiltered setting? Come no farther. This is the first of what we hope are many Friday Confession Threads over here on WRNL. Some come on in, take a load off, and confess your sins child.

We promise there will be no rapey priests involved this time.

Are you a fan of Friday Confession Threads but struggle with trying to make your stories family friendly?

We promise there will be no rapey priests involved this time.

From WRNL's Open Thread. Keiton Page will haunt this conference's collective conscience for years.

NormanUnderwood — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 02:22:40 -0000

From WRNL's Open Thread.

Keiton Page will haunt this conference's collective conscience for years.

Future of the Brawl?

NormanUnderwood — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 15:56:09 -0000

Iowa State fan here.

Do you guys think the Backyard Brawl will continue as a non-conference game in the future? I really hope it does, and see no reason not to as you both left the Big East for greener pastures. As some of you might know, our fiercest rivalry is outside the Big 12, with Iowa. We play every year, almost always in week 2 (occasionally week 3). We all really enjoy it, and guarantees a meaningful non-conference game every year. I would have to think you guys would look into doing the same with the Brawl. College football is about hatred for your uppity shit head neighbor, and it would be a shame to see such a hate-filled affair fall by the wayside for no reason. I think it would be a great addition to the Big 12's annual non-con slate, alongside the Cy-Hawk. Thoughts? (and welcome aboard)

Iowa State fan here.

AIRBHG Fixes his gaze to the west...

NormanUnderwood — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 17:50:33 -0000

Cyclone fan here. We just lost a RB, Duck Hollis. Rhoads booted him this morning for some undisclosed fuck up. I guess he failed his third piss test, but its just a guess. Between this, and you guys swiping Barkley Hill, perhaps he's (AIRBHG) found a new target to satisfy his unqeunchable blood lust.

Rejoice, Hawkeye friends. Perhaps being an Iowa RB is no longer a more hazardous occupation than bashing the skins for Spinal Tap.

It's Friday

NormanUnderwood — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 16:14:08 -0000

And I'm bored.

Anyone have big plans tonight? I plan on tucking my crank between my legs, putting some make up on and playing "Silence of the Lambs". There's already a young lady chained up in my basement and my dog has been barking at her all day.

And I'm bored.

Ferentz Inches Closer to Actually Defecating on Local Media

NormanUnderwood — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 01:33:36 -0000

AP, Iowa City IA

During today's pre-Insight Bowl media conference, Kirk Ferentz was asked about the veracity of a rumor regarding the hospitalization of an Iowa football player.

Ferentz responded not in his usual fashion, which consists of waving his hand and saying "these aren't the droids you are looking for", but with a curt, juvenile jab at the reporters:

"Today? Boy, you guys have great sources. I passed gas out there about an hour into practice., Did you guys catch that on mic? I’ll see if I can muster one up for you right now."

Immediately following this response, several members of the Cedar Rapids Gazette and Iowa City Press Citizen started masturbating vigorously, aroused by yet another utterly uninformative and borderline insulting comment from Ferentz regarding the current state of his program.

There has been speculation for several years that Ferentz could actually shower the Iowa media in his own feces, and still receive their praises. Today, he took a step towards making that speculation a reality.

"Clearly, we're all just all hoping and praying that Kirk delivers a giant Boston Steamer on our collective chests, but we realize that one has to work up to those sort of things. You can't just start dropping chest dukes out of thin air," said an anonymous reporter from the Gazette. "Kirk offering to fart on us is probably the most exciting thing to happen on this front since he lied to our faces about the Rhabdo incident" the source noted noted.

Know Your Enemy: Rutgers Edition

NormanUnderwood — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 02:22:40 -0000

Here at WRNL we would like to welcome back a little segment that we run every off-season called "Know Your Enemy". The purpose of this segment is to acquaint our loyal readers with the schools on our schedule. There was some clamoring this off-season that we cut the program short, but frankly, it’s a bit ridiculous to go over the same set of schools every year. Therefore, KYE will be reserved for new foes on the Cyclones schedule, be they bowl games, non-conference, or additions via conference realignment.

With the Clones bowl eligible and headed to New York City for the Pinstripe Bowl, we would like to take this opportunity to introduce you, loyal reader, to our new opponent. The State University of New Jersey, also known as "Rutgers". Rutgers is the birthplace of college football. The first collegiate football game was played on the Rutgers campus v. Princeton in 1869. So there, Jersey HAS done something right.

Follow the jump to read all sorts of things you never knew about Rutgers (note: the majority of this is complete BS)!

STADIUM:
Rutgers takes the field at High Point Solutions Stadium, on the banks of the Raritan River in Piscataway, New Jersey. Without question, this is a very reverent, classy name for the venue where the game was fucking invented. You got a problem with that, bitch? COME AT ME BRO! YOU SEE DIS HAYCUT? ALL MY BOYS HAVE DIS HAYCUT? Don’t give Rutgers any shit about their stadium name, or they’ll take your girlfriend out behind a dumpster and get all balls deep in that shit. CORPORATE STADIUM NAMING RIGHTS FOR THE MOTHERFUCKING WIN! High Point Solutions Stadium is best remembered for the "Pandemonium in Piscataway" game against Louisville in 2006, where the Scarlet Knights kept Louisville out of the BCS Title Game and probably saved the Big East’s AQ bid for several years by entertaining the whole fucking country that night.

So much muff cabbage

FANS: Rutgers fans are Muff Cabbage. You heee dat? MUFF CABBAGE. YOU GOT CABBAGE IN YO MUFF.

TRADITIONS:

As discussed earlier, Rutgers invented the fucking game bro. Respect that shit. Rutgers proudly lays claim to the illustrious 1869 National Championship, which they shared with Princeton after the schools played each other twice and split the matchups. Do not taunt Rutgers about how idiotic this is. They WILL bust a nut on your mother’s face and fuck your entire family in the ass. Other Rutgers traditions include fist pumping and sandwiches made entirely out of deep fried stuff.

MASCOT:

Unlike some other schools who are hypocritically beyond reproach, they decided to add a new mascot in the 1950s. Since they were tired of all the Jersey trash jokes, Rutgers figured that if they created a mascot based on English nobility that people would take them seriously. This is all fine and well when your state doesn't produce this:

But seriously, the Scarlet Knight is better than the Chanticleer. Yes, Rutgers' mascot at one point in time was called the Chanticleer.

COACHING STAFF:

On paper, Greg Schiano is listed as Rutgers head coach and is credited for turning the program around over his 9 year tenure. However, everyone knows that’s a load of shit. It’s fuckin’ Jersey, bro. Everyone knows the Boss runs shit here. Here at WRNL, we’ve recently uncovered that the secret to Rutgers’ resurgence over the past half decade is really the result of their secret coaching weapons. In fact, the Rutgers coaching staff is actually comprised of head coach Bruce Springsteen, co-defensive coordinators are Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora (who inflict their bad medicine on opposing offenses) and offensive (in more ways than one) coordinator The Situation (because nobody scores on east coast skanks like the Sitch)

Seriously, Jon. You need to tell them that the "steel horse" is your vibrator.

TEAM:
Dude. This is Know Your Enemy. Analysis? Fuck that.

AGAINST ISU: We've never played. Again, fuck this section.

My hack analysis says that going 6-6 in the Big 12 > going 8-4 in the Big Least. If I were Rutgers, I would be dreaming up ways to teabag that conference before they get the Big 12 or ACC invite. In true Jersey style, they'll likely knock up half the Big East on their way out the door and never pay any child support with that real conference money.

But they'll send a nice card with $5 every Christmas.

Poll

Likeliest reason for Cyclone loss in the Pinstripe Bowl?

Arterial blockage from Fat sandwiches

22 votes

Situation's abs

15 votes

Big East school being better than expected (yeah fucking right)

15 votes

Paul Rhoads being a Red Sox fan

8 votes

Snooki

46 votes

J-Wow

15 votes

Steele Jantz's west coast bias

44 votes

165 votes | Poll has closed

The Hawkeye football team's trophy case...

NormanUnderwood — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 20:03:35 -0000

The Hawkeye football team's trophy case...

We could have made so much more fun of this 2 weeks ago. Thanks Sandusky, you fucking prick. But...

NormanUnderwood — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 03:04:12 -0000

We could have made so much more fun of this 2 weeks ago.

Thanks Sandusky, you fucking prick.

But seriously, we always knew Pistol Pete was a creepy sonofabitch.

Bye Week Open Thread

NormanUnderwood — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 17:19:39 -0000

Discuss today's games here...

An Aggie in Ames (or Crossing the Hate Bridge) and Other Stuff

NormanUnderwood — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 14:21:47 -0000

After my earlier hate rant about Texas A&M and their move out of the Big 12 (none of which I'm going to take back), I thought I'd hit up one of our Aggie followers, @InsideTAMU to chat ISU/A&M, share a story about his epic adventure to Ames in 2000, and gain further understanding into our perspective on conference realignment while sharing his own. Well, for as much I had blasted A&M, I felt it was only fair to do some positive coverage. After all, I had an incredibly good visit to College Station in 2009, and really had a blast with a lot of the Aggies I met down there (you can read about WRNL's invasion of College Station here). So if you want more further proof that Cyclones and Aggies CAN get along (and actually got along quite famously, hence some of our bitterness about their departure) then....

The following is the unfiltered account of @InsideTAMU's infamous road trip to Ames. It is a study in alcoholism, irresponsibility, and booze cruising that any hardened Iowa native Cyclone can appreciate:

So I tied one on Thursday Night my Freshmen Year.....

...at A&M. I close down the bars and a buddy and I decide that we are going to Iowa. So we go to our dorm to get shit together and he blacks out drunk and passes out so, I say fuck it, jump in my truck, and head up Hwy 6 to I-35. Remember, this is in a time when most people did not have cellphones.So I finally get halfway sober in OKC, decide that isn't cool, and stop in between OKC and Wichita to get beer. As you can imagine, I'm 18 in one of the lamest states in the Union, so basically I use a fake ID and a bribe to get a case of Keystone (3.2 shit) in Oklahoma.So I'm avoiding a hangover, and driving and drinking, and basically being a dumbass 18 year old. I finally arrive in Ames early evening and park in your Downtown (EDITOR'S NOTE: we are unsure if he means Downtown or Campustown) with nowhere to stay and no plans. I look like shit.

So a group of guys are approaching me, and talking a little light trash, to which I respond "I just got done driving 17 hours hammered off my ass and with no friends here, so I'm ready to either get severely smashed or fall face first into a waitress." Well, the SAE's I had just met at ISU, took a likening to my trip and took me in. I raged on alcohol and Midwestern girls for the next 36 hours, but in that time, I was given shelter, ran up a $180 tab in Campustown, which is hard considering how cheap shit is there, and remember sliding through the mud half naked in the student tailgating area. I know the Aggies around me in the game were wondering why the fuck I was covered in mud, blood and was smoking Marlboro Reds in the stands, but I think they understood when all I could mumble was "fuck yeah" at everything going on.I arrived back in College Station on Monday morning at 530 am, in time to go take my 2nd test of the fall semester at 8 am. My roommate thought I was kidnapped or dead and was ready to call my parents to check if they had heard anything. Luckily, he held off on the hope that I was stupid enough to drive to Iowa and back by myself. He knew me well, and I still have a scar on my left bicep to this day. What from? I have no fucking clue.

Clearly, this guy fits into the Cyclone ethos.

We picked each other's brains a little more, and I was able to get some good nuggets about how visiting fans perceive Ames from the conversation:

Norman: Have you ever seen so many goddamn cornfields in your life?

InsideTAMU: God, my eyes bled from OKC to Ames.

Norman: Did you tailgate like a champion?

InsideTAMU: I tailgated in a grassy mud pit that smelled of booze, Marlboro reds, corn and blonde sluts.

Norman: What bars did you hit?

InsideTAMU: I think it was called Campustown and the only bar I can remember was called something like Tip Top or Top of the Stairs or some shit like that.

Norman: How were you treated in general by ISU fans?

InsideTAMU: Fucking awesome... when they heard my story of getting up there, I was treated like a king.

Norman: Would you recommend the Ames/ISU experience to others?

InsideTAMU: Absolutely, best tailgating in the Big 12 North, and some of the friendliest people along with Nebraska and KState.

After this exchange, we turned the tables a bit, as I satisfied his non-sexual curiosities about Iowa State.

InsideTAMU: What is your favorite Big 12 road trip?

Norman: It's going to pain you to hear it, but Austin. College Station is a lot of fun, but I like the live music scene in Austin, and I like how laid back the UT fans seemed. There were lots of fun Aggies, but there plenty with sticks shoved straight up their asses. As a whole, even the older Horns were pretty fun. College Station would be an easy #2, followed by Columbia, Manhattan, Lincoln, and Waco. Nothing will ever be worse than Waco. College Station's tailgate set up is the best I've seen outside of Ames.

InsideTAMU: Is the ISU fanbase pissed about the A&M move to the SEC?

Norman: Absolutely. We look at it like a bunch of kids whining about having an Xbox 360 instead of a PS3 when we're still playing PS2. A&M had a good thing going in the Big 12 and jeopardized a lot of our universities futures to get what looks to us like a different deal, and not a better one. I guess to sum it up as succinctly as possible, it feels to us that A&M put us all in jeopardy on the basis of pride. If the Big 12 goes on to survive, and I think it will with the potential Big East raid, those hard feelings go away and someday A&M might be a lot of ISU fans' favorite SEC team.

InsideTAMU: Ames v. Iowa City?

Norman: Iowa City has more women. This is a product of the traditional majors between the two schools. That gap has really narrowed in recent years, but its still there. In Iowa City it's more about the bar scene, and people get really dressed up to go to expensive bars full of douche bags from Chicago. Many U of I students are from the Chicago suburbs and were unable to get into Illinois or Northwestern, so they come to Iowa. ISU is mostly native Iowans. Thus, Iowa City has more of a reputation as the party town. But anyone who has spent time in Ames knows that no one drinks like ISU. In Iowa City, it's all about being seen at a certain bar, but ISU has for years been more into the house party scene. It's less obvious to a stranger just driving around, but it's there. Get a bunch of kegs, spread the word, charge $5 a cup and just get after it

InsideTAMU: Are you a "fuck the B1G" type of guy?

Norman: No. I think their on-field product is crap and they are overrated every year. However, I'd love for ISU to be in that league, and based on a lot of things people have thrown around, if the B1G ever got to 16, ISU could be one of those 4 added, especially with Mizzou likely off the table. Our academic research brings as much money to that league as some schools TV sets might. It's just not something the media would ever think about it.

The rest of the conversation was mostly a discussion of what would happen on the field and a very rational debate between both sides about the A&M to SEC move. InsideTAMU pointed out that one economic benefit of the SEC move that no one is discussing is the boon to the College Station area when SEC fans come to town. Generally, 7000 SEC fans travel to road games, as compared to the 4000 (and often less, for example there were only 900 Baylor fans) in the Big 12. I pointed out to him that the move to the SEC was as much of a luxury as anything for TAMU, while it legitimately threatened schools like ISU/KU/KSU/Baylor/Tech's athletic existence, which is something not many Aggie fans had thought about. All in all it was a good exchange, and hopefully one you find entertaining and maybe slightly informative.

See, Cyclones and Aggies CAN get along.

Now go State, and GTFO Aggie!

"...a darkness warshed over the Dude..." I had promised a recap of the trip to Columbia, but after...

NormanUnderwood — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 15:22:59 -0000

"...a darkness warshed over the Dude..."

I had promised a recap of the trip to Columbia, but after the abomination on the field, am not compelled to recap it in whole. Nothing all that crazy happened any how. A good time was had by all, Columbia is a very nice town, and Mizzou fans were pretty good to us. Hope they stay.

To the "Ames or BUST" guys

NormanUnderwood — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 00:01:36 -0000

Check this out.

http://www.widerightnattylite.com/2011/9/28/2455371/wrnls-guide-to-ames

Ames and Des Moines are both great towns with more to do than Iowa fans would suggest. My cousin from Tulsa has spent a lot of time in Stillwater and Ames and feels that they are very, very similar. Do Ames after the game, and then head on down to DSM on Saturday. We don't have a Des Moines guide out yet, but will put one together, as most of us at WRNL live in the DSM area and a lot of folks who come up for ISU games end finding rooms in Des Moines for the weekend.

Check this out.

http://www.widerightnattylite.com/2011/9/28/2455371/wrnls-guide-to-ames

Goodbye to Texas (A&M) University: A Study in Dishonesty, Hypocrisy, and Insanity

NormanUnderwood — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 20:13:46 -0000

"An Aggie does not lie, cheat or steal, or tolerate those who do."

This is the Texas A&M University Honor Code. According to the University’s compliance office, "The Aggie Code of Honor affirms values that apply to students, faculty and staff alike. This simple statement exemplifies two of our core values—excellence and integrity—and underscores our commitment to ethical conduct and compliance with laws and official policies. These core values forge a strong base to embrace our other core values of leadership, loyalty, respect and selfless service."

Unless, of course, you’re talking about how they deal with other Universities that they were supposed to be partners with.

When Texas A&M signed on to the Big 12 following the near conference blow-up in 2010, they made an explicit promise that they were committed to the Big 12 Conference, and the fellow member schools. Yet, at that very same moment, they were engaged in talks with Southeastern Conference officials about trying to leave the Big 12 for that same league.

Webster’s Dictionary defines "lie" as "1) to make an untrue statement with intent to deceive; 2) to create a false or misleading impression". This is exactly what Texas A&M University did when they signed on the Big 12’s dotted line, knowing full well that the University of Texas was going to get its own television network. They told the Big 12 they were committed while they were talking with SEC officials about trying to get out of the league.

Clearly, the University doesn’t think too highly of their Honor Code.

Now that A&M is on their way out the door, I just wanted to take one last one shot. I went to College Station once, and really enjoyed myself. The Aggie fans I met that day were nice people and fun to be around.

But God damn it, do I hate A&M today.

Texas A&M has been, without a doubt in my mind, the most deplorable actor in all of this Big 12 realignment saga. Say what you will about the University of Texas (and there isn’t any doubt that they are as arrogant and selfish as they come, and hold a large percentage of the blame for Big 12 instability), but they are still here. They have made concessions to make the Big 12 stronger, and they have actually engaged the rest of their conference mates to find a solution that works for all of us.

A&M on the other hand has done just the opposite. For years they voted against equal revenue sharing in the Big 12 alongside Nebraska, Oklahoma, and Texas. They have been just as ruthless in holding the rest of the league down as evil Texas. When Texas approached them about starting a network together, they bailed on the idea. When the Longhorn Network was announced, rather than approach the rest of the Big 12 about starting a network that excluded Texas, they continued down their path of self-destruction with the SEC.

A&M sits back and tells people how Texas has all the power and doesn’t behave like a conference partner. This just falls on to deaf ears. If A&M had voted for equal revenue sharing Texas wouldn’t have to power they have today. A&M has also not behaved like a conference partner at any point. They have become fully consumed by their hatred of Texas, and have gone to a path of cutting off their nose to spite their face. A&M never reached out to their fellow Big 12 schools to strengthen the league. It was very much the opposite. By pursuing and landing in the SEC, Texas A&M has single-handedly threatened to destroy the athletic departments of schools like Baylor, K-State, Iowa State, Kansas, and Texas Tech. While it is likely that most of these schools will continue to remain in an auto-qualifying league, A&M’s selfishness and stupidity has put all of that into continued jeopardy, and for what gain?

A&M will tell you this is about "doing what’s best for Texas A&M" and that this move is designed to give them a stable home. Way to piss on our legs and tell us it’s raining, assholes. The numbers are out there: Texas A&M will make a negligible financial gain in the SEC in terms of TV revenues. With Texas A&M, the Big 12 had a shot at a massive TV contract (and will likely still receive one). In the SEC A&M will also have a much more difficult time fielding a competitive squad. Right now they compete with Texas and Oklahoma for Texas recruits. Now they run the risk of opening those recruits to other perennial powers such as Alabama, Auburn, Florida, Georgia, and whatever flavor of the year exists (see: Mississippi State). Some people think that being the Texas school in the SEC will give A&M a recruiting advantage. This of course relies on the false premise that an 18 year old high school kid has the same kind of boner for the SEC that the national media. Do they really think that a recruiting pitch of "Hey, come to A&M! Win 6 games a year! Listen to our fans chant ‘SEC! SEC! SEC!’" is going to be more effective than "Hey, come to Austin or Norman. Play for National Championships."? No way in hell.

As far as stability goes, that’s another ridiculous argument out of A&M. No matter what, a school the size of A&M, in a state the size of Texas, with a fan base that puts 70,000+ into their football stadium is ALWAYS going to have a home in the highest level of college football. Not to mention, A&M’s bailing for the SEC was a major source of the Big 12’s current instability. Oklahoma's flirtation with the Pac 12 was a direct result of that. They clearly weren’t concerned about the LHN, as they wanted Texas to come with them. In an even more ridiculous turn of events, A&M’s leaders have attacked Baylor for breaking an agreement not to sue A&M for breaking their Big 12 contract. Hello? McFly? You are mad at Baylor for reserving their right to sue you after you breached a contract with them? Jesus fucking Christ. It’s the absolute definition of hypocrisy.

So what is this all about? This is about a deep seeded hatred for the University of Texas. A hatred that has driven to nearly destroy the conference. A hatred that has driven them to nearly destroy the very universities they pledged to stand along side as a conference partner in June 2010. A hatred that has driven them abandon their Honor Code. One only need look as far as their fight song, the Aggie War Hymn, to see how deep this obsession runs:

Good bye to texas university
So long to the orange and the white
Good luck to dear old Texas Aggies
They are the boys who show the real old fight
'the eyes of Texas are upon you'
That is the song they sing so well
Sounds Like Hell
So good bye to texas university
We're gonna beat you all to Chigaroogarem
Chigaroogarem
Rough, Tough, Real stuff, Texas A&M

As stupid as this sounds when they’re playing every other school on their schedule, it’s going to be even dumber (what the hell does "chigaroogarem" mean?) when they never play Texas again.

Are these people insane? The answer, Virginia, is "yes". At the end of the day, none of this should surprise anyone. Texas A&M is a place where wildly misplaced priorities have informed many of their decisions. For example, the University did not integrate racially until it was forced to by Congress in 1964. It did not integrate on a gender basis until 1965. Their Corps of Cadets, a semi-ROTC group that acts like their an actual service academy, was known to participate in the tradition of "Redpots". The night before an Aggie football game, the Corps would burn a large bonfire. Often, a Mason jar full of Corps member’s semen, i.e., a "redpot", was placed on to the bonfire. Only COC members and women who had slept with them were allowed within a certain radius of the burning jar. Any woman who tried to stand inside the circle was violently shoved to the ground. I, for one, am glad that Iowa State University will no longer be associated with a place that so willingly goes against their stated values, and whose unstated values are so far out of whack with what we value here.

So, A&M, have fun in the SECSECSEC. Take comfort in knowing that even when your Fightin’ Texas Aggies are getting their brains stomped in by LSU that you can do that stupid ass chant. You are hypocritical, dishonest, and demented. You value giving Texas the middle finger more than you value success on the field, or being a good conference partner. We’re going to be fine, even though you tried to kill us.

Dear Aggie,

Go fuck yourself. Into a giant Mason jar.

Love,

The Big 12