Matt Taibbi, in a word, is awesome. 

I love Sam Cassell to death and make a general practice of rolling my eyes at cracks about his awkward appearance (Although I think Taibbi missed this one big by not including Reggie Miller who actually looks like a Ferengi from Star Trek), but this is a great read and I had to share it with all of you.  I couldn't stop laughing.  Happy Friday!

An except to whet your appetite (I edited the language and the article might be NWS for that reason.  You've been warned):

Whereas a guy like Teixeira was born with a swing so gorgeous you want to paint it, Youkilis fighting a middle reliever to a nine-pitch walk looks like a rhinoceros trying to f**k a washing machine. 

The Upside of Ugly

A convincing case can probably be made that Mike Bianchi is living proof of the 'Infinite Monkey Theorem.' 

Case in point:

Big Dance success could get the FSU athletic program past academic fraud scandal

It's not Shakespeare, but I'll be damned if that little chimp didn't string some words together into sentences.  Fridays are always special for the obvious reasons.  But, waking up to an article full of Bianchi's back-handed compliments, feigned concern, and condescending "atta boys" makes this Friday extra-special.  Serendipity if you will.

I sometimes imagine if my life were like Mike Bianchi's.  Everyday would be an uphill struggle against all odds and the forces of Epic Fail.  In my mind it would be a heartwarming, feel good movie, like 'My Left Foot.'  But in reality it would play out more like 'Requiem for a Dream.'

College football: Carl Johnson charges dismissed

Bull Gator, Bill Cervone comes through again.  The 8th Judicial Circuit is a finely honed, well-oiled machine to be envied by the rest of the legal world.  Tony Joiner and Carl Johnson got their cases (Serious cases, mind you) cleared in a matter of days.  By comparison, when I was 13, I was mistakenly arrested for loitering and trespassing and it took five months and 4 frantic letters from the property owner to get everything cleared up.  Clearly, my mistake was not getting nabbed in Alachua County. 

I fully expect none of the accusations of date rape and prior abuse to ever be looked into.  Trivialities like that brings well-oiled machines like the 8th Judicial Circuit to a grinding halt.  Besides.  Silly women folk, talking out their asses.  We all know how they can get.  Pffftt! 

This does, however, put Coach John Mark Karr Urban Meyer in a bit of a pickle as he recently told a group of high school coaches in Fogelsville, PA that the core values of his football program are:

1. Honesty. 2. Always show women respect. 3. No drugs. 4. No stealing. 5. No weapons.

The article goes on to state that:

He said that if he hears of one of his players hitting a woman, even if it's in self-defense, the player is gone from the team. Period.

In fact, even if he sees someone not opening a door for a lady, "I'll jump on a kid's (bleep). That's the way I was raised."

Carl Johnson is projected to be a starting left tackle this spring.  But Johnson should be very worried right now.  Urban is a man of  incorruptible integrity and great moral fortitude who said that if he so much as hears about one of his players hitting a woman, even if it's done in self-defense, that player is gone from the team.  

Has Johnson learned nothing of the example made out of Ronnie Wilson (See Core Value #5) when it comes to Urban's Unyielding Justice?  He should probably put in for a transfer right now.  It shows that he's proactive and the other colleges will like that.  I wish him the best of luck wherever he winds up.