The winner will be put at the top of this post. "Winning" will be decided by the most rec'd post after a week.

For the illiterate unwashed teeming through the comments here, a haiku is typically a seventeen syllable poem structured:

5 syllables

7 syllables

5 syllables

We won't be a real "Haley" about the structure, but at least try.

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After literally years of toiling over posts and paradebulations we've only been able to make one lasting mark on the arrowhead pride community. Painstakingly convoluted prose with top-tier third-level joke pyramiding just doesn't have the gravitational force that is a tattoo of a dolphin smoking a bong in a recliner.

In addition to being the stupidest mascot in the NFL, it also is the only thing that truly makes you happy dear reader. As the great philosopher Sheryl Crow once taught us, well then, it can't be that bad.

Here you go you animals, and if anyone knows who stole the face plate off the radio of a 1995 red lebaron convertible, we would like it back.*

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UPDATE: Now with sweet polling action after the jump

via www.exposay.com

With this whole Jim Schwartz vs. Jim Harbaugh kerfluffle, it's a safe bet our own favorite kettle-o-rage will have to up the ante this year by droppin some 'bows, or at the very least throwin a cheap shot at an opposing coach after a game.

The real question is which coach?  For a complete game by game odds break down let's take a meander to the other side of the jump, shall we?

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The Original GQ Chiefs entry:

Purple Chris?

via www.gq.com

via farm4.static.flickr.com

via legendsrevealed.com

We're back for Al Davis's death only.  God Bless what happened.  There are no words, play the videos over the pictures...

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Via Dauleriospin and Twitter: Mr. Brandon Flowers of our very own Kansas City Chiefs perchance to spy a lady upon the city square.  One can gather that hind quarters were of a singularly confectionary nature that Mr. Flowers found to be altogether appetizing.  Spring has sprung indeed, and this fine Cornerbacker of our beloved squad wishes to inform the lady as he has been struck by yon cupid's bow and wishes to 'come a courtin' her and her damely cacao-reminiscent succulent nougaty figure.

via fastcache.gawkerassets.com

Mr. Daulerio has even provided a visual representation of what sweet sweet chewy peanutty mocha chocolata ya ya amore looks like to our own Venti Quattro.  We applaud you Mr. Flowers and wish you nothing but happiness in you amorous and toothsome endeavors.

via cache.gawker.com

We smell a sponsorship deal.

CHUH CHUH!

Dearest Readers, some of you may not be aware of the PARADE's prescient, and some would say, mildly entertaining post vis-a-vis last year's questionable decision to put some awkwardly phrased posters up following the demise of Larry Johnson.

More importantly, it sparked a love affair - ala Joel for Julio Jones - between Wallace Gilberry and the Chiefs Nation.  Without further ado, the piece's choicest quotes:

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[From the FanPosts. We think the PARADE is talking trash on St. Louis. For those of you unaware, this is the PARADE. -Joel]

Some people will call us a hero, some will say it's bigger than Michael Jordan, some will say it's more selfless than Cliff Lee, some will say it's bigger than the Ole Zipperslinger Britt Ferr comin out of not not unretiring, but that's neither here nor the there.  The PARADE bringing the PARADEBULATION out self-imposed retirement is for one reason and one reason only...  YOU dear reader.  Come, warm yourself in the PARADE's glowing warm bosom of irrational hate for giant croquet wicket René Auguste Chouteau and Pierre Laclède squatted out at the toilet end of the Missouri River.  Yes, "Mound City," "The Gateway to Wentzville," "The City With No Fountains," "Home of the Los Angeles Rams," "Belgian Beer Subsidiary Capital of the U.S.," the S-to-the-lower-case-t-to-the-L, it's that week.  Be sure to wipe your shoes before you come in.

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Remember to rec' the sh*t out of this because it's not gonna get main-paged because Joel's scared of sitting next to Jason Whitlock someday worried about awkward interweb water cooler convos (when he sells out to fox sports too) and we want it to at least hang around in the top fanposts...

HERE WE WOULD USUALLY HAVE A HUMOROUS PICTURE OF JASON CAVORTING WITH SOME FLOOSIES  (BUT OPPRESSIVE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY REGIMES HAVE MADE THAT IMPRACTICAL --- GO OPEN SOURCE ---):

Jason left KC cause he was tired of paying "importation" taxes...zing!

Some of you may have read the original "Fun with Big Sexy" article.  We won't tell you untruths, it was genius.  That said, we thought with Big Sexy's departure from the 816 those heady days of making fun of his process were over, not so, NOT SO!  He's back, ..., back again, and somehow managed to amalgamate his short-sighted, pot-stirring controversiality with a new, out-of-touch, half-assed, mainstream, bird's eye type of attention baiting.  So without further digression here's what's going on:

For those familiar with "Fire Joe Morgan" and KSK's weekly Peter King MMQB blow-up, it's a familiar concept: take a writer/figure compelling enough to keep us reading, yet irritating enough to throw us into a rage, and then stream of consciously rip it apart.

Author's editorial note: If Jason you ever do read this, and we HIGHLY doubt that, we want to reiterate that we're genuinely thankful you're in Kansas City and have enjoyed your columns for years.  We mean it when we say, we only hurt the ones we love...

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We'd probably just fanshot this, but they don't let you throw polls on that.  And as some of you may have gathered, the new SB nation Intellectual Property Fraidy Cat regime has more than likely spelled out the death of the PARADEBULATION.  Remember lovely reader, it's not their fault, it's Disney's.  Anywho, as Mickey Mouse may get pissed about any uncompensated absurd dolphin photo exploitation, we may have to satiate you dear reader with serious "football talk" (sports massage and homoerotic high-five not included {that said, apparently it's still cool for professional QB's to use other people intellectual property ie, unicorns self-erupting rainbows on HBO [see below]}).

So, as 'Nacho' and ourselves will have to get serious, here's a serious question, really, the ONLY question you or we or us should care about... IS IT ACCEPTABLE TO DRAFT THE "DUSTER" IN YOUR FANTASY LEAGUE?

We're not talking like your 18 player 12 starter World of Warcraft (not geeky enough to know if that metaphor is apt, but we like the sound of it so we'll roll with it) Keeper league.  No, no, we're talking your average run of the mill 8-10 player 8 starters 4 bench player fantasy league.  Basically if Darren Sproles is a day 1 no question starter for someone in your league, this question isn't for you.  If Justin Fargas is still gonna get drafted in your league, best move along.

But for the rest of us with lives, is Dex worth it?  Maybe, we could see if JC or TJ goes down there being a huge surplus for him.  He makes more sense than Devin Hester to us, and as a possible bench player if timed right could have the odd huge week.  You call it, have your way with the PARADE, no romo, but totallly sanchez, dirtied.

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Photo source

Ahh, preseason games - the nerf war of contact sports - just fun enough to get excited about until it goes on for a little bit and you realize how boring it's going to get.

Dear readers, we've missed you, and we'll fight the urge to hug you in our arms like a small child just long enough to get you PARADEBULATED up for this first preseason game.

Sadly, we don't have much time, the Falcons just aren't very hateable, and it's tougher and tougher to get an original interweb meme these days, so you might have to settle for just straight football analysis and stupid pictures.

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via coreygilmore.com

Broncos be illin yo

No one likes to see a team goin down to injury like this, but it looks like in addition to waiting on Ryan Clady's recovery Knowshon Moreno is out with what could be a bad hammy and Buckhalter injured his back.  Tebow better have some pretty powerful juju to offset this.  Kyle Orton could not be reached for comment because no one cares.  Sorry Kyle, hey but have you seen Tebow anywhere?

via www.motherearthnews.com

Oh boy!  The offseason, a chafing dry expanse of barren nothingness crescendoing in a pathetic puff of dust.

"Pffff!"

Fortunately, the PARADE (sponsored by K-Y) is here because like Sting we miss you dear reader like the desert misses the rain...

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*In no way meant to immediately jinx us, jinx's are for teams that need to worry about jinxes, like the Chargers for instance.

"Someone clearly insists on being a Pilgrim every year" via cdn.faniq.com

Merry Saturday after it's okay to get fat day because we'll all be wearing winter clothes and ruining out credit score day for the next two months day!  Jesus, this is a long holiday isn't it?  It's only Saturday still which has the PARADE living in the magical procrastination space between Saturday afternoon and Sunday night still.  Being a grad student in a lousy economy means most of our 'real work' consists of unpaid do-goodery done on odd hours, and as such, extended holidays just means for us "why aren't more of you people at work right now?"  Nonetheless, we present another comeback installment of the Saturday Afternoon PARADEBULATION.

Joel will no doubt accuse this of being a "fair-weather" PARADEBBFESTIVITY; however, we assure you, there was a glorious post in the works following the Redskins game, but someone limited our editorial ability to upload pictures.  Coincidence, we had several pictures of said someone's hairy mug, press pass and all?  You be the judge.

Regardless, after Joel informed us of a number of angry emails regarding the absence of PARADBULATING (thanks to each and every one of you) we present a Charger's week 'Bulation:

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via c2.ac-images.myspacecdn.com

Okay, Randy. I shouldn't do this, but I'm willing to wipe the slate clean and forget about this. I want you to get your priorities straight, quit hanging out with those hoodlums and sign your commitment to your team. Have you done that yet?

"Winners is a term 'winners' don't use (we just say "we" or "us")"

Losers often put too much time and effort into passive aggressive signs.

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For those of you looking for your weekly Saturday Afternoon Paradebulation, fear not.  Rumors of the PARADE's death have been greatly exaggerated.  See the PARADE moved apartments today and also was lining up Tomorrow's double coverage, first ever, road game AP exclusive (at least exclusive to the AP?).

It should be a great time.  Sadly, newly minted DC area Chiefs fan... Garf (not his real name), will not be able to make it.  Big shout out to Garf,  Happy Birthday yo!!!  But at least he will be able to watch his new team on network TV (the PARADE, the pied piper Chiefs nation).  So simmer down child and enjoy the game hopefully our recap will more than make up for the lack of 'Bulating today

We're gonna try to make our own humorous pictorial jokes for you, but at the very least we a totally unrelated picture of a dolphin to hold you over...

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