SB Nation User Blog: Official Arrowhead Pride Parade

Your OFFICIAL Arrowhead Pride PARADEBULATION: Win-n-eeng Stuh-ree-eek??? Edition*

Official Arrowhead Pride Parade — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 18:05:09 -0000

*In no way meant to immediately jinx us, jinx's are for teams that need to worry about jinxes, like the Chargers for instance.

"Someone clearly insists on being a Pilgrim every year" via cdn.faniq.com

Merry Saturday after it's okay to get fat day because we'll all be wearing winter clothes and ruining out credit score day for the next two months day! Jesus, this is a long holiday isn't it? It's only Saturday still which has the PARADE living in the magical procrastination space between Saturday afternoon and Sunday night still. Being a grad student in a lousy economy means most of our 'real work' consists of unpaid do-goodery done on odd hours, and as such, extended holidays just means for us "why aren't more of you people at work right now?" Nonetheless, we present another comeback installment of the Saturday Afternoon PARADEBULATION.

Joel will no doubt accuse this of being a "fair-weather" PARADEBBFESTIVITY; however, we assure you, there was a glorious post in the works following the Redskins game, but someone limited our editorial ability to upload pictures. Coincidence, we had several pictures of said someone's hairy mug, press pass and all? You be the judge.

Regardless, after Joel informed us of a number of angry emails regarding the absence of PARADBULATING (thanks to each and every one of you) we present a Charger's week 'Bulation:

"Fearsomely European aren't they?"

via www.american-allergy-supply.com

"WE know what it means, and YOU know what it means, and THEY definitely know what it means/"

via rlv.zcache.com

"Ermhh, that's a good looking "San Diego" am I right?"

via 2.bp.blogspot.com

"Sometimes we get a annoyed by the fact the Chiefs fanbase only wants to accept players that speak and look like they never got more than a high school education and view the Busch Light 'Camo Can' as the high watermark of civilization. It makes you want to scream these are millionaires, MILLIONAIRES, no amount of hunting gear or folksiness makes them anything like you, they are not and will never be 'blue collar.' Then you look at people like these two, and you realize, their are groups of people in this country that encourage them to look and act like they do as well. They have FANS, there in fact are actual FANS of each of these individuals. Can you imagine these people? No amount of Ed Hardy and Herpes must be good enough for them. Because of that, we say to you: don't go changing Kansas City, you're alright with us."

via www.popcrunch.com

"Wrong sport, but c'mon, it's a Unicorn. Also, check out that URL."

via www.shittytattoos.com

"In twenty years it'll be a smile!"

via farm1.static.flickr.com

"It's a dignity off! Annnnd go!"

via cdn3.sbnation.com

via i89.photobucket.com

"Shawne, sometimes women be all up like that, and lightsout gotta do what lightsout gotta do."

via prod.static.chargers.clubs.nfl.com

"Word to the wise..."

via 2.bp.blogspot.com

Good afternoon, this week's Chargers game smells like a recipe for misery. Despite every columnist who chose to write on last weeks win over the Steelers insistence that it was a "real win," it was a pretty ugly game. The Steelers were also definitely looking past us on the road with Baltimore coming up. That said, we don't think Haley's gotten the "Herm-apologist" treatment of "yeah they only won two games but Baltimore and Dallas were really close." So good for him. Ugly upsets speak legions more than pretty near misses.

So the Chargers are perfectly capable of taking us too lightly as well. Also, like it or not, Chambers is going to be the make or break player for the Chiefs. Call it intuition, or maybe having the sense to know how long the season's been going on for, but we'd bet injuries also end up being a deciding factor Sunday.

All in all, if they avoid another blow-out on the road, the Chiefs should probably be considered as meeting minimum expectations.

FANTASTICAL FOOSBALL ADVICE:

via www.dcbhoroscope.com

Get Chris Chambers of wires and start him. Why not? We'd rather have him than limpy Steve Breaston continuing to fail to meet expectations of adequacy. With Bowe in, we might say no, but there's too much pride at stake between two teams that aren't good enough for either to say "oh we can just use him as a decoy" or "our corners know him well enough we can shut him down." It's bordering on too predictable, but we're talking the 2009 AFC West, a team should be so lucky.

YOUR GAMETIME SNACK OF THE WEEK:

We're not going to get too creative here because let's be honest... neither are you. You've got a fridge full of leftovers. But instead of turkey and [insert side dish here] sandwiches, let's suggest a different take: "Eggs Thanksgivingdict."

tee hee

We're going with this picture because it looks appetizing despite being totally innaccurate:

via http.cdnlayer.com

Now, instead of scramble, do the eggs over easy (poached for the health freaks) preferably on top of toasted left over dinner roles. Then we usually do a stuffing and bacon hash. Then before serving go with turkey gravy served hollandaise sauce style. Turkey is more appetizing with a lighter brown color, but a dark gravy often tastes better if your one for taste over style.

YOUR GAMETIME BEER OF THE WEEK:

via beerobsessed.com

The best proof there is a God between now and when "It's a Wonderful Life" comes on Christmas Day. We were reaching a point where we worried all the good beer in the world had been taken, retaken, overlooked and assumed to be taken, or else just a stupid fruity college microbrew (/simpsons) or wheat beer for which the PARADE cares not. Yeah verily, we assumed from here on out might just be a series of Sierra Nevada, Anchor Steam, and Boulevard seasonal varietals (with the occasionally watery Asian obscure find we choose to lie to ourselves about). But no, no, mon frer, this 21st Amendment IPA with a 70 IBU is definitely worth the snob beer price set on it. It's made from angel tears and freedom hops, not to mention a 6 pack will incapacitate you while not making you look like a can collecting lush. We HIGHLY recommend trying it, the one warning is that it's not the kind of IPA that makes you think, ah that's a little bitter but I kinda like that, it's just straight up tasty, so if that's not your thing, eh screw it it's 7.0, have two and quit complaining.

SOMETHING TO POP YOUR NERF GUN, YOUR BRAIN NERF GUN!:

(NSFW, or whatever):

Oh House, you finally said what we were all thinking:

Oh, and even if you don't use twitter be sure to start following: http://twitter.com/FakeMcConaghey

It's well worth it...

P.S. Almost forgot to include our benevolent overlord:

via cdn2.sbnation.com

(Not pictured: The PARADE but we are jealous of Joel and Our's buddy's Grunhard jersey).

One word for that beard: supercilious. Thanks again for tickets and you're still our favorite non-founding/blogger/moderator/all around interweb journalistic tour de force of the most powerful Chiefs site on the series of tubes.

"PLAY LIKE A PARADEPION TODAY!!!" & Other Motivational Sign Ideas...

Official Arrowhead Pride Parade — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 21:22:17 -0000

via c2.ac-images.myspacecdn.com

Okay, Randy. I shouldn't do this, but I'm willing to wipe the slate clean and forget about this. I want you to get your priorities straight, quit hanging out with those hoodlums and sign your commitment to your team. Have you done that yet?

"Winners is a term 'winners' don't use (we just say "we" or "us")"

Losers often put too much time and effort into passive aggressive signs.

"Relatively speaking, "winners" apparently knock out their assistant coaches!"

"Also relatively speaking, wearing abnormally large crosses seems to help with "winning" as well!"

"Winners. GO. TO. KINKOOOOOS!!!"

via www.kcchiefs.com

awwwwww

"Fuck passive aggressive, we're aggressive aggressive"

"THIS SIGN IS AWKWARDLY WORDED FOR MOTIVATIONAL PURPOSES!!!!!!"

"What have YOU done for PARADEDOM today?"

"YOU, YEAH YOU, GILBERRY! WHAT THE SHIT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? GET BACK TO WORK"

(ed note: somehow the idea of Haley arbitrarily singling out Wallace Gilberry is hilarious to us, sorry if you don't agree)

"Yo Redskins! I'm really happy for you and I'mma let you finish but... the Chiefs are having one of the worst seasons OF ALL TIME!"

"LAMINATION MEANS BUSINESS!"

"We have your phones tapped, no, seriously."

"DAMMIT GIIIIIIILLLLLBERRY!"

"Golf & Kinkos ... ITS WHAT WE DO!"

"Have you apologized for getting drunk and twittering nonsense and being oddly homophobic while insulting fans today?"

"I SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH THOSE 'OFF THE STREET' GUYS!"

"Winners have names that don't rhyme with 'HAUL ASS DILLBERRY!!!'"

"I'm with WINNER - See that? None of you, none."

"I'M NOT AFRAID TO LEAVE A STRONGLY WORDED POST-IT IN YOUR LOCKER SON!"

"Get out there and call those cart path violations!"

"I'mma 2 sport coach, what are you, a one sport athlete?"

"YOU'RE ALL WINNERS IN MY BOOK! (Does this make up for the last one guys?)"

and finally....

via blogs.dallasobserver.com

A Note on "Your OFFICIAL Arrowhead Pride PARADEBULATION"

Official Arrowhead Pride Parade — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 23:24:57 -0000

For those of you looking for your weekly Saturday Afternoon Paradebulation, fear not. Rumors of the PARADE's death have been greatly exaggerated. See the PARADE moved apartments today and also was lining up Tomorrow's double coverage, first ever, road game AP exclusive (at least exclusive to the AP?).

It should be a great time. Sadly, newly minted DC area Chiefs fan... Garf (not his real name), will not be able to make it. Big shout out to Garf, Happy Birthday yo!!! But at least he will be able to watch his new team on network TV (the PARADE, the pied piper Chiefs nation). So simmer down child and enjoy the game hopefully our recap will more than make up for the lack of 'Bulating today

We're gonna try to make our own humorous pictorial jokes for you, but at the very least we a totally unrelated picture of a dolphin to hold you over...

via www.spedrex.com

Your OFFICIAL Arrowhead Pride PARADEBULATION: What kind of Name is "Primetime07" Edition

Official Arrowhead Pride Parade — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 16:20:52 -0000

By way of introduction, the PARADE and the PARADEBULATIONS have been a pre-game tradition of the AP's for some time bringing insight, nonsense, and absurd pictures of dolphins whether or not we happen to be playing Miami. Self-described as a royal plural presence attempting to write the "Finnegan's Wake" of Chiefs fandom in blog form, the PARADE has been present since the founding of the earliest incarnation of the AP but as of late has been on sabbatical. When envisioning a far less reverent "founder's plaza for the AP" the PARADE expressed their wish to have a "Smithy of the PARADE's Soul" Room which would house a statue with Bruce Smith's head on the body of a Lord of the Rings Orc doing a mocking 'tomahawk chop' at the 1993 AFC Championship while an indistinguishable, but nevertheless vaguely handsome, boy weeps as his lost balloon floats away.

via bigeastsux.files.wordpress.com

Fact, he never changed his expression when Romo fumbled that snap, fact.

Now we have more than our fair share in the PARADEBULATIONS and behind the scenes of ribbing our dear moderator and biggest "lil bro" of all, Joel, who does such great work here. We like to hassle him about his dedication to silly things like "maintaining the integrity of the AP," and "not taking hateful pot shots at local journalists," and "not gratuitously flooding our posts with obscenities," and "not openly expressing out giggling contempt for Mile High Radio," but seriously this time we have legit beef with our friend, compatriot, editor and artist (as long time readers already know) formerly known as "Primetime07."

Now was this just lapse in creativity, confusion over Jared Allen's underground nickname "partytime," an expression of admiration for Deion's Atlanta and San Francisco (or FSU/Baltimore/DC alternatively) years, or maybe just undue ardor for the year of our Lord, Two Thousand and Seven???

Make no mistake about it dear reader, while Chris, ourselves, Padraig, ChiefsDJ, UC and rest all bleed Chiefs red, pure and undiluted, there's a tinge of Blue to Joel's conflicted soul this weekend. Now, no doubt he'll keep his loyalties in order here, but be wary of a Cowboys rout, Primetime loves a winner! Not us, we're underdog fans, always have been always will be.

This week we'll have a some mildly humorous pictorial jokes, some fantasy football advice, your game time snack of the week, your game time beer of the week, a 'special' commenter award (ombudmanstyle!), and as always, something to blow your ever-loving mother-trucking cookie-munching brain.

via blog.nj.com

Well fuckboogers* ... (*not on the mainpage, sorry kids we're legal).

via www.giantstalk.com

You let your WHOLE ... TEAM down!

via i123.photobucket.com

Somehow we doubt Joe Gibbs signed any endorsement deals for this one?

via cdn3.sbnation.com

Fact, if he drops that baby he doesn't stop smiling, FACT.

via cdn0.sbnation.com

Don't be jealz Primetime... HOLLA

via i218.photobucket.com

And Week 5's PARADEBULATION returns to the low hanging fruit.

And without further adieu, your unnecessary picture of dolphins...

via 18.media.tumblr.com

FANTASY FOOSBALL ADVICE TYPE THING or DEAR PARADEY...

via images.epilogue.net

Okay... but why is his girlfriend Cheetara?

This week finds us in a Primetime-like conundrum, we have Marion Barber, but for the Chiefs' sake we'd like to see him go down on play one. Also, we auto-drafted this year so we ended up with Cutler and Cassel as our QB options. We've started Cassel every week. Uh, yeah, we're gonna do it again. Smart? Savvy? Objective? No, but this is what makes a Chiefs fan. Sit down neckbeard, no one cares you don't suck like we hoped you would.

This week's pick? Sammy Morris. No we're not taking our own advice here, we'll sit on Donald Brown thank you very much. But if you're light on RB's and Sammy's out there, hit that shit. Fred Taylor's out and we all know Bellichick doesn't trust Koolaid with a full game. Everyone loves Denver's D but c'mon, the guy wears a fanboy hoodie just to make the comparison. What. A. Tool. If nothing else they crumple under the expectations. Sammy boy gets a TD and at least a hundi game, you heard it here first.

via multimedia.heraldinteractive.com

Unnervingly Adequate.

YOUR GAMETIME SNACK OF THE WEEK

via 3.bp.blogspot.com

Stuffed Portabella caps. Why? Cause they're awesome. We made this for 8+ last night, drank champagne and had a leggy blonde fawning on us. It's called living the dream son.

More importantly, that picture? IT'S BULLSHIT. We wouldn't wipe with that excuse of a mushroom cap. "But PARADE, it looks tasty." They put green onions on it, green onions are code for "this food is bullshit."

Lemmus break it down childs... First, preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Then you want to wash you caps and gently cut out the stem stubs. Then you "score" as in only cut the skin in a criss cross pattern on the back and cut a deep X when the stem was (the middle of the gill side). Then, you brown some pancetta in olive oil, preferably with some tarragon, tyme, or rosemary at least. We use some "herbs de provence" but select some savory spices to mix in is all that's really needed. I also like to crush and chop at least one garlic clove in addition, but add it later, don't want to over power or burn the garlic.

Then you take some of that oil, mix it with more olive oil, balsamic vinegar, and your herbs. Put the caps gill side down on preferably a broiler pan, or anything not flat if possible (flat works but they get soggy if you're not careful). Then if you have a marinade brush use it, otherwise just pour this mixture over the top of the "scored" caps.

Then you bake that for 15 minutes.

Next, take them out, flip them and put on you "stuffing." We would recommend at least using the pancetta, garlic and some mozzerella. Goat cheese got good reviews last night. We also had some olive and artichoke tapinad we tried too. Anyway the key is don't get it too wet, and get some melty cheese on there. Then throw those back in for 15 minutes, gill side and filling side up this time. When in doubt side on leaving them in longer, it dries them more which you want and as long as you don't burn the cheese you're good.

YOUR GAME TIME DRINK OF THE WEEK

via 2.bp.blogspot.com

The World is just biding its time until it strikes you down PARADE!

Ommegang, it's delicious, it's 8.5 by volume, and well, frankly we're living a little too well right now. Something tells us, per usual, Sunday followed by a Monday double clutch will put us squarely in out place. But in the meantime, treat yourself, get a Ommegang, use the fancy pint glass you stole from the 'falloon. Sit back in you barka lounger and drink a taste of the PARADE life. Maybe you have a wife, kids, job, a yard, general shit you hate, but that's not gonna stop you from kicking back and living life for 5 minutes at a time like a guy who just won at life for the past 24 hours. Make a joke to yourself about Primetime. Pretend you're far funnier than you actually are. Post something that no one else gets on the most popular Chiefs blog on the internet, and get drunk, but drunk with class, Belgian style.

AND SOMETHING(S) TO BLOW YOUR BRAIN CLEAR OUT OF ITS SKULL

That was a rittle bit lacist, so, uhm bonus? Ya, bonus...

Wait, we killed with the OctDORABLEfest lass last week, and only one cheerleader in this post so, uhm, we're officially not using anymore of these girls but hey... well... yeah...

Your OFFICIAL Arrowhead Pride PARADEBULATION: The Eli Story

Official Arrowhead Pride Parade — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 16:51:41 -0000

via www.mynameisben.com

Many of you undoubtedly have fears about this current season. What's with our o-line? Who's a legitimate secondary option to Bowe? Where's the high powered Arizonian offense? Will we ever win a game? How can we go on without Swayze?

All these factors can be a little overwhelming when it's still only week 4 of the regular season. That's why we've decided to provide a little distraction from the fact we're playing one of the most over-hyped teams that also happens to be 3 and 0.

This week we'll have a some mildly humorous pictorial jokes, a SPECIAL PARADE exclusive real life Eli story straight from the PARADE's memoir "Ain't Nuthin Gonna Stop This Curiously Titled Chiefs Site Now" ("Going Rogue" was already taken), some fantasy football advice, your game time snack of the week, your game time beer of the week, a 'special' commenter award (ombudmanstyle!), and as always, something to blow your ever-chatanoogin noggin.

via gadgets.boingboing.net

1952-2009 NEVER FORGET

via hotdogandfriends.com

Cause he's a "Giant" ... get it, what's that Eli?

via 4.bp.blogspot.com

"I'm * hiccup * the GREATEST I've had tree appletinis arready!"

via farm1.static.flickr.com

"Oh, oh god no, no no no, on so many levels, no."

via cache.thephoenix.com

"Ceci n'est pas une Lawrence Taylor"

That's a thinking man's retarded picture joke.

via cache.gawker.com

The start of a very disturbing trend for this 'bulation...

Now like most of you, we were not particularly impressed with this little soliloquy, if anything the first part of his little speech was far gayer than the tongue in cheek feigned homoeroticism at the end.

So an NFL player exhibiting High School like homophobia, big whoop right? Well, um actually there appears to be a really 'queer' phenomenon going on around the New York Giants fan culture. (WARNING: This is a craigslist link, if you can't figure out where this is probably going you might not want to click on that link and definitely none of the links on the craigslist site).

And here's your completely unrelated dolphin picture:

via www.smart-kit.com

"THE" ELI STORY...

Over the course of the PARADE's life, we've had more than few disturbing examples of our paths crossing with the younger Manning brother. Some which can't be shared in this forum but suffice to say were confident that we could emotionally obliterate the man in a matter of minutes.

However this story is not about us. Our former roommate was a pretty entertaining character. He claimed to have a mild case of asperger's syndrome and would engage in elaborately designed, multi-stage, long-term physical humor jokesmanship. One St. Patrick's day he dressed in green from head to toe, but then under that he had an entire head to layer of yellow and under that a layer of red. He planned to wait until someone made a comment and then strip off the first layer and explain he "didn't give a sh*t about St. Patrick's day this is merely his anger level alert system." And that was about a C level joke for him.

Anyway, in college he went to a Georgia game where they were playing Ole Miss. Now our roommate was about 6'4," over two bills, and had a pretty booming voice if he chose to use it. So he's at this game and is sitting about 10 rows back, basically on the 50. And Georgia is just taking it to Ole Miss, it's just a blow out.

So our roommate's sitting there and he sees Eli after a lousy offensive series come over to the bench and start yelling at his teammates like the white kid who swears at this parents from Eddie Murphy's "Delirious" routine (NSFW language).

So Eli's out there all: "What the frick guys! C'mon! We can do this! Get our heads out of butts!" and generally throwing a Rivers-esque tantrum.

Then one of those lulls that falls over a crowd when things kind of slow down, you know the noise level gets down to like a low hum, like a baseball game.

Anyway at this point my roomate stands up, cups his hands and in a booming voice yells:

"Eliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!! RAL-LY the trrrrrrrROOPS!!!!!!!"

And he claims, CLAIMS mind you, that Eli made direct eye contact with him, and at the same time the entire section he was in just burst out laughing over the absurdity of the situation.

And the best part is he claims Eli sniffle a little bit and immediately put his head down and was rubbing his eye with the back of his wrist. He's not sure, it could have been sweat, but he thinks he saw a single tear roll down Eli's cheek before turning away.

FANTASY FOOSBALL ADVICE TYPE THING or DEAR PARADEY...

via images.epilogue.net

Well, Greg Olsen is continuing to make us look the fool, and our O-line made any Chiefs pick-up look stupid, but we maintain Bobby Wade is worth picking up as a sleeper spot. Also, unrelated to the PARADE's selections, we have Wes Welker, wtf Bellichick? You'd play your mother with a broken hip. This kinder gentler Bill Bellinazi is lame.

This week, Tashard Choice would be a good pick-up, but likely someone in you league watches MNF and picked him up after the Giants game. Also, Barber's beast mo' (is Marshawn back yet?) is immune to injury weakening. So, here you go the real sneak pick-up? Mewelde Moore. The man T.C.O.B'd for our team all last year, and Mendenhall strikes as bit temperamental. That said, Dallas plays at Denver, and Pittsburgh plays San Diego at home, so make your call based on that.

via mtblog.newyorker.com

YOUR GAMETIME SNACK OF THE WEEK

Let us present... THE WIDOWMAKER

via 16.media.tumblr.com

1.5 lbs of ground beef, 1 package of bacon, 1 package of italian sausage, 1 box of hot pockets, 1/2 package of fried onion strips between 2 Tombstone Pepperoni Pizzas topped with Velveta Cheese and Marinara Sauce.

(Submitted by Chris H)

via thisiswhyyourfat

We're not going to even try to explain this one away.

YOUR GAME TIME DRINK OF THE WEEK

via www.gnarlyvines.com via www.coffeeforless.com

= Why you're such a classy guy.

Seriously, though, the local booze merchant has come under new management since the PARADE returned to the U.S. and the selection sucks and the "sales" are about what the old management charge. This could get rough folks

"SPECIAL" COMMENT OF THE WEEK

This week's "special" comment of the week goes for the first time to our knowledge goes to a female commenter by the name of HeatherChiefsLvr.

Who in the wildly popular "Damn Haley" post ostensibly commented that she's a fan of Coach Vermeil, but you and we both know it was a clear example of "sexassissin baiting:"

I sure loved Dick too
I wish he never would have left. Bring back Dick!! lol But I’ll take Haley in the meantime.

This 'bulations really taken a turn for the classy side.

AND SOMETHING(S) TO BLOW YOUR MIND

Oh, and happy Oktoberfest everyone...

via costumzee.com

Fun with Big Sexy...

Official Arrowhead Pride Parade — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 04:31:16 -0000

Remember to rec' the sh*t out of this because it's not gonna get main-paged because Joel's scared of sitting next to Jason Whitlock someday, and we want it to at least hang around in the top fanposts...

via livinginstereo.com

At least we didn't go with the "couch" photo again, eh J-dub?

Just about every week, at least during Chiefs season, Jason Whitlock puts out a column for the KC Star. Overall, we're a fan. His columns while they lack in accuracy and shameless chase sensationalist attention usually 'move the ball' somewhere, if not forward, which is more than most small market sports columns.

However, over the years Jason's slipped into a bit of a formula and God knows he's never been afraid to mix a metaphor or dumb things down linguistically or logically. So for that and various other crimes against the English language and basic logic, we present "Fun with Big Sexy."

For those familiar with "Fire Joe Morgan" and KSK's weekly Peter King MMQB blow-up, it's a familiar concept: take a writer/figure compelling enough to keep us reading, yet irritating enough to throw us into a rage, and then stream of consciously rip it apart.

(We look forward to UCrawford's point by point meta-FJM style ripping apart of this post)....

Author's editorial note: If Jason you ever do read this, and we HIGHLY doubt that, we want to reiterate that we're genuinely thankful you're in Kansas City and have enjoyed your columns for years. We mean it when we say, we only hurt the ones we love...

Let’s hope Todd Haley spent Sunday night standing in front of a mirror, screaming at himself.

Yes, because who doesn't want the criminally insane coaching their team?

If he holds himself to the same standards as his players, he might be on the waiver wire this morning.

Except that not how it works for coaches Jason, and really, we're all enjoying your sarcastic journalistic flights of fancy but in two sentences you've constructed bad metaphors violating both the concept of the "self and others" and the vital sporting concept of "coach and player." Moreover, put rules, logic, and style aside for a moment. Haven't you already documented we have NO IDEA what the "standards" being used around Arrowhead are anymore?

His coaching display Sunday afternoon against the Oakland Raiders was an embarrassment, as bad as anything I’ve seen in the NFL.

Wait, you followed Herm Edwards for two years? Didn't you exasperation meter permanently break after Brett Favre's preseason game against the Chiefs? That's two straight wins he's DISGRACING the game of football with!

Losing at home to these Raiders on a day when JaMarcus Russell unseated Ryan Leaf as the most ill-prepared quarterback in league history required a special level of coaching incompetence — a combination of arrogance, flawed logic and lack of self-control rarely seen on network TV.

Oh, a Ryan Leaf joke, how timely, all out of Y2K metaphors? "A combination of arrogance, flawed logic and lack of self-control rarely seen on network TV," good God man have you seen 'Two and Half Men?' Michael Irving is going to be on a dancing show Jason. Is this cause you're fat?

If 22 players off the street can win two NFL games, there were 70,000 people inside Arrowhead Stadium who could have done a better job than Scott Ego-li’s handpicked coach.

Uh oh! one of those patented Whitlock nicknames! Satirists beware, that pen's razor sharp. What happened to the vaguely racially-charged "Five-O" for Mike Vrabel, that one was so clever! How should a GM chose their coach? By vote? Hand to hand combat? Round-robin Connect Four tournament? What new head coach isn't "handpicked?"

In a 13-10 loss, the Haley-led Chiefs squandered a chip-shot field-goal attempt in the final seconds of the first half with a no-timeouts-left, 1-yard pass in the flat to Dantrell Savage. Time expired before the refs could re-spot the ball for the next play.

We hadn't heard about that, were we eating chips? We were probably eating chips.

In a 13-10 loss, the Haley-led Chiefs dropped back to pass on third and 1 in the final 43 seconds of the game and in possession of all three of their timeouts. The Raiders sacked Matt Cassel, setting up the game-deciding fourth-and-4 play the Chiefs would not convert.

Herm would have punted on 3rd down and saved the embarrassment fool! How dare you try being unpredictable!

In a 13-10 loss, the Haley-led Chiefs were flagged for nine penalties, including a critical late-hit infraction on Oakland’s game-winning TD drive. They turned the ball over twice and failed to down a perfect punt inside the 5 despite six Chiefs circling the ball.

See, he keeps repeating the score, that's JOURNALISM folks. Wait, there were three separate mistakes in that one? Also, anyone watching knows at least two of those calls were, objectively speaking, complete and utter horseshit. Jason has this other technique where he states the obvious, and the obvious is bad, and everyone agrees, but he states it just to make sure.

The Chiefs melted down Sunday. They were a reflection of their head coach, who ranted and raved after every error — except his own.

Except when he ranted and raved about getting in the end of half FG and then later said that it was his fault. He must have left his crazy person mirror in the locker room. "Fetch my Travis Bickel mirror Brodie! My frustration isn't literal enough for Jason's metaphors!"

"We’re going to have a smart team here," Haley promised after the game. "Nine penalties and a couple of those things don’t reflect a smart team."

Fact, this was said, fact.

Uh, Todd, did you coach smart on Sunday?

See, that's not even rhetorical, yay, here it is, but if you watch the presser, Jason asked a question after that quote, JUST LIKE THAT, fact, IT WAS SIMILAR! (But there's a quippy "uh" here, that's JOURNALISTIC TECHNIQUE!)

"How the half ended, I’d say no," Haley acknowledged. "I’m the leader of this football team, and when you have the ball in an area where you can score points and you don’t get the points, it’s all going to fall on me. So, I’d say no."

And Haley answered with that, fact, a reasonably explanation, fact!

How about the end of the game, Todd — why not run for the first down and use one of your three timeouts?

Because when you have less than a one score lead you should never try to aggressively extend that lead. If you do you should run the ball before you're in field goal range and stop the clock, so that if you get stuffed there's plenty of time on the clock, and you're still not in FG range. All the same, Jason has pointed out that in choosing between running or passing at a critical juncture, he did not agree with Haley's choice, but isn't going to explain why that's any more logical, HE'S A JOURNALIST!

"I won’t get into specifics, but the play called had a running back in a situation where, to me, it appeared to me as good as a run, a chance to get the ball into the running back’s hands."

What game was Haley watching?

Presumably the same one where none of our runners were dominant per se, but our success came from some committee running with good amount of under route passing?

Based on what we saw from Cassel, there was no reason to have confidence in his decision-making. The ineptitude of Cassel’s play — two horrible interceptions and two horrible sacks — was only slightly masked by JaMarcus Russell’s Leaflike effort.

Except you know, the rest of the game, like the part where he drove down the field and made a picture perfect pass to Bowe in endzone the series before? Actually both of the INT's look like impressive defensive efforts by Oakland and Cassel did a great job of scrambling and throwing it away when necessary for the most part?

The truth is, Russell’s performance illustrates just how bad Haley’s Chiefs are. Russell and the Raiders picked up the victory completing seven of 24 passes for 109 yards, racking up 11 first downs and 166 total yards.

Facts, you see those? Yeah, I got them. But doesn't that mean the Raiders are really bad and you should explain why a statistically better team lost to them?

The Raiders played dead, and won.

How?

Yipee! You're going to explain!

Many of you don’t understand why the tone of my columns about the Chiefs has been so negative after I initially campaigned for Scott Pioli’s hiring and identified Haley as Pioli’s likely head coach.

Bu.. whu.. we... you were going to explain? KNOW WHAT WE DON'T UNDERSTAND MOTHER F? WE DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WOULD ANSWER A RHETORICAL/NON-RHETORICAL QUESTION WITH A COMPLETELY UNRELATED STATEMENT!!!!

The amount of arrogance from Pioli directed toward the media and the unwarranted, know-it-all arrogance Haley directs toward his players make King Carl Peterson look as humble and down-to-earth as Lamar Hunt.

So, our GM's arrogance toward the media is how the Raiders played poorly and still won? Or is it why you are a whiny sh*thead? Cause we think it's the latter. Moreover, we think you are using the same tired ass hacky motif of "let's get a loser fired journalism" that you've been mailing in for the past two years. That's what we think.

The arrogance is toxic and counterproductive to winning. It’s not confidence. It’s a couple of blowhards drunk on their newfound power.

Again, Raiders? Facts? Substance? Best to leave those out when calling someone a "blowhard."

They’re so caught up in establishing all the little "intangibles" they think create a winning environment that they’ve lost sight of the fact that players win football games — not head coaches or general managers.

Which is why they went out and spent 16 million on a quarterback? Honestly though, what the f*ck does this sentence even mean? No one actually could believe Scott Pioli and Todd Haley are having meeting about "intangibles," so what? They're making motivational posters? This is some Herm Edwards level voodoo you're talking Jason.

Do you realize how arrogant you have to be to hold a brutal offseason program and training camp, play a game and then sign Bobby Wade off the street on Tuesday and make him your go-to receiver on Sunday because you’re trying to prove a point to Dwayne Bowe and Mark Bradley?

Or was it because they threw a lot of under routes and that is what Bobby Wade has done over his career? Or because for the first half Bowe had one of the top corners in the game covering him? Or because they wanted better players on the team? Sometimes Jason you seem to contradict yourself for fun. Are they so arrogant because they coach their team hard in the off-season because they know the current talent level isn't sufficient on its own OR are they arrogant because they accept they can't "coach up" the current team alone and will need to continue to acquire FA talent? Or both? Maybe they're so arrogant that their contradictory arrogance cancels each other out making "anti-arrogance" like in the DaVinci code?

Bobby Wade isn’t emotionally or physically invested in the Chiefs and the program Ego-li and Haley allegedly implemented. But Wade was KC’s leading receiver and punt-return man on Sunday. Bradley rode the bench, I can only assume, because he failed to pick up a first down last week in Baltimore.

Yeah, he looked like he was really mailing in on those crossing patterns where he kept getting blown up after the catch. Sure, Wade had some bad drops, but where does this theory it was a punishment for Bradley gain any credence? If anything Wade look like a pretty promising slot option in the future.

Will Haley sit down next week?

Again, Jason, this isn't really how it works and we're going to say that probably wouldn't be in the best interest of the team. So you don't know why the head coach did something, you made up a less than plausible explanation, and you want to implement a metaphor literally to express your rage. Oh, and by the way NONE OF THIS HAS TO DO WITH HOW THEY TREAT THE PRESS BECAUSE THEY ARE SO ARROGANT ITS INFECTING THE WINNABILITY OF THIS TEAM I AM A JOURNALIST, I USED TO WRITE FOR ESPN, FEED ME A JELLY DONUT, RESPECT MY AUTHORITAAAAAY!!!

His lack of composure and suspect play-calling cost the Chiefs a game against the worst team in football.

A whole sentence with a tenuous but nevertheless plausible argument. Bravo. Glad we could share that. Now could you erase the 500 prior words and please connect your premise to the conclusion? Also, wouldn't this make them worse? When did his composure play a role in the loss? Could you, we don't know, INTERVIEW SOME PLAYERS AND FIND OUT WHAT EXACTLY THE DEAL WAS ON THE CALLS YOU ARE REFERRING TO???? Topics you didn't address: defensive INT drops and how they helped cost us the game, poor officiating, questionable clock management, poor kick returns (we'll give the 9 yard bad ass fact drop on that though), the defenses failure to make a critical 4th quarter stop, the overall decline in special teams, the lack of big plays on offense, and Larry Johnson's impressive but still inconsistent performance.

Oh yeah, and Jeff George, rap culture in basketball, and how your bff's with Brian Waters.

Your OFFICIAL Arrowhead Pride PARADEBULATION: Something's Changed Edition

Official Arrowhead Pride Parade — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 22:28:45 -0000

Some strong language in this week's PARADEBULATION...Just an FYI... -Chris

By way of introduction, the PARADE and the PARADEBULATIONS have been a pre-game tradition of the AP's for some time bringing insight, nonsense, and absurd pictures of dolphins whether or not we happen to be playing Miami. Self-described as a royal plural presence attempting to write the "Finnegan's Wake" of Chiefs fandom in blog form, the PARADE has been present since the founding of the earliest incarnation of the AP but as of late has been on sabbatical. When envisioning a far less reverent "founder's plaza for the AP" the PARADE expressed their wish to have a "Smithy of the PARADE's Soul" Room which would house a statue with Bruce Smith's head on the body of a Lord of the Rings Orc doing a mocking 'tomahawk chop' at the 1993 AFC Championship while an indistinguishable, but nevertheless vaguely handsome, boy weeps as his lost balloon floats away.

via i.cdn.turner.com

This is how you make the azzzzzz drop...*

There's something different about this PARADEBULATION. Unlike past Raider week PB's and not so Raider-related Raider week posts, the PARADE cant' characterize a certain ennui we have towards the modern day Raiders. It's as if hate has subsided into contempt which gave way to disgust and some bemusement and is currently floating somewhere around an unwanted guest at a neighborhood barbecue...

via blogs.ajc.com

Oh, THAT guy's coming... sigh, God, hope he doesn't bring those terrible kids of theirs with him...

via www.chargertom.com

Oh hey Jamarcus, you're looking, uh?, pale?

Seriously, this hard, finding absurd pictures of the Raiders and Raiders fans is so easy it sets the bar almost too high. How do you do it? There are more ridiculous pictures than non-ridiculous pictures...

via archive.profootballtalk.com

But we just made that joke...

via bassraiders.net

No idea what this is about, none, but really just look at that crazy piece of shit gif file? Like whoa.

via i.pbase.com

Wouldn't the whole "having the force"-choke-a-guy-out-from-across-the-room preclude need for the spikes? Oh that's right... you're really just a fucking nerd.

And for good measure, the "which of these buttons calls your parents to pick you up?" Triumph & the Star Wars nerds video.

via i27.photobucket.com

You win internet, we give up...

Wait, wait, almost forgot our new favorite .gif of a time...

via assets.sbnation.com

Hopefully we can make this our "asian kid"

And of course for no good reason other than Joel likes it, a fucked up dolphin picture...

via i498.photobucket.com

Oh Jooooel, give us a kiss!

FANTASY FOOSBALL ADVICE TYPE THING or DEAR PARADEY...

via i202.photobucket.com

Oh, yeah the Raiders booth was huge at ComiCon this year, they had a dude dressed up like Al Davis...

Just a quick reminder that if you have any questions you'd like the PARADE or anyone else (Chris, Joel, Paddy) to answer on the "Odcast" or in the PARADEBULATION feel free to email them to: Staff.APODCAST@gmail.com

Well, we uh, kinda, er uh, shat the bed last week with that Greg Olsen tip. Or better put, Cutlerfuck shat the bed. We may have been a little caught up in the giddiness over McDaniels off-season ABRONCOLYPSE and overlooked that Cutler's still massively overrated regardless of what division he's in. Still, we'd hold on to Olsen and see if that don't pay off down the road, mmmkay?
But, for this week we'll try to be a little more strategic. Nah fuck it, more Broncos schadenfreude!

via cache.daylife.com

Mike Bell, former Bronco is holding it down with the Saints, and getting numbers that straight disRESPEKT what Noshow Moreno is doin these days (at least last week). Yes the Saints play the Eagles this week, but with McNabb most likely out they have a built in excuse to lose this game. Mike Bell, he might even be on waivers. Start him.

GAME TIME SNACK OF THE WEEK

via www.joeydevilla.com

Bacon on Chocolate Chip Cookies with a cinnamon glaze.

And I said, hey Farley, why not mix cocaine AND heroin!?!?**

Typically, the PARADE is providing tips from meals we've made ourselves. Can't say it on this one, but we do love bacon, and we're going to go out on a limb and say these would be pretty good.
Apparently, it's not the first manifestation, as there are already bacon chocolate bars.
As endorsed by English Celebrity Chef Nigella Lawson...

via 3.bp.blogspot.com

Chris likes it when we kick the # of page views up...

Anyway, here's the recipe and a website with a better explanation. Somebody hurry up and make them so you can confirm our suspicions that they're what's been missing from all of our lives.

GAME TIME BEER OF THE WEEK

via 3.bp.blogspot.com

Cause if you're going to binge drink massive quantities of a watery pilsner it should be a KANSAS CITY WATERY DOMESTIC! No really, we had this last time we were in town and it's solid. It's better than Budweiser but not as good as most German lagers. Vaguely reminiscent of this new "Landshark Lager"-kinda-like-Corona beer niche that seems to be popping up. What Boulevard needs to grasp now is putting it in some sort of distinctive can available for packaging in quantities so large you don't feel the need to have feelings anymore.
Missouri's largest Brewery... meet the new boss... same as the old boss.

"SPECIAL" COMMENT AWARD OF THE WEEK
Well, we're biased again but this one was pretty solid.

Commenter sexassassin's caption for what is DHB doing in this photo post

Please god make me as sexy as sexassassin

Good work SA, really it's like a man among boys when it comes to you and caption contest posts. Everyone feel free to email in suggestions, we may take them into consideration, unless they suck and aren't funny of course.

AND Now, something to BLOW YOUR MIND

via 9.media.tumblr.com

Far and away the best take on the whole "Kanye meme" so far, and here's a little personalized treat.

And this is a pretty good imitation of the PARADE's paradebultating process...

Black Books ..Bernards letter

*Shout out to AP Commenter of lore "sexassassin" again in the title caption, what up assassin!?!

**In no way does our making light of Chris Farley's tragic death mean we are making fun of the SNL Chippendale's Sketch's Curse claiming another victim over the past week. R.I.P. Bodhi, you will be missed...

Your OFFICIAL Arrowhead Pride PARADEBULATION: The Prodigal PARADE Edition...

Official Arrowhead Pride Parade — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 17:38:32 -0000

NOT the PARADE... and the girl frankly scares us.

Welcome Buoys and Gulls, Chicas and Hombres, Stick Figures with Skirts and Stick Figures Without, and Scott Pioli personally, this is the triumphant return of the PARADEBULATION. Those not familiar with the hot truth and fresh type of madness that the PARADE brings, this is a weekly pre-game column that some would say rips off Deadspin's NFL-wide Jamboroo (specifically the PARADE) and which others would say provides a fresh guide for living to the modern Kansas City gent... or lady (pictured above).

After an extended off-season sabbatical the Saturday Afternoon PARADEBULATION returns. This week we'll have a game week preview, some mildly humorous pictorial jokes, fantasy football advice, your game time snack of the week, your game time beer of the week, a BRAND SPANKING NEW 'special' commenter award (ombudmanstyle!), and as always something to blow your ever-licking mind.

Your Ravens Week Preview

Joe, Flacco. JOEFLACCO, seriously? That's not an NFL quarterback, that's the dumb character in a Vonnegut novel. Also, c'mon, look at this:

via cdn.faniq.com

Clearly, I'm not alone in my thinking Chris (for those that heard the podcast).

via www.electrobertjones.com

Now, normally we're not one to knock a man for his grooming habits, and god knows there have been some great uni brows in history, ie Noel Gallagher, Elliot Smith, Itchy & Scratchy. But anyone who watched Flacco's presser knows, not only has the pretty boy clearly been tweezing, but he definitely trashed the Chiefs ability to even make it to the 4th quarter regardless of qualifying statements.

I hope he steps on the "Liberian Landmine."

Also, Ray Ray and the whole god squad I killed a man but now I see motivational pre-game speech thing? Isn't it getting a bit tired Ray? Both him and Strahan always came across as cheesy to me. Just go out there and say you're going to murder there babies, leave the "whoo-ing" and the dancing out of it. Maybe just Clay Davis do your postgame speeches?

via matthewyglesias.theatlantic.com

The real scariest man in Baltimore, but no one knows he's gay, ha, next you're gonna tell us McNulty's actually British right?

Seriously though, after Flacco, Ray Ray, The Wire, and uhm, Hopkins, that's about all we got for making fun of Baltimore... what? What's that?...

Yes, yes they do.

Well, then I guess there is the whole badass color scheme...

via cache.deadspin.com

I said, YOUNG MAN....

via www.teamcamogear.com

You know camouflage, to help you blend in among the flamboyant pirate trees.

And then there's the whole awesome mascot thing...

via tvbythenumbers.com

You know I hadn't really thought about it before, but that really is SOOO raven.

via media.fukung.net

Seagulls, way more 'core than Ravens.

via i38.tinypic.com

Oooooo what a fearsome mutant, it's like Crow's head on a Blackbird's torso!

via epicawesome.com

Not our best joke but sometimes the low-hanging fruit is just as sweet.

We almost forgot, for no good reason, a dolphin, or in this case a shark:

via 7.media.tumblr.com

Relax there's some sort of swimwear there if you look closely, it's safe for work chief.

FANTASY FOOSBALL ADVICE TYPE THING or DEAR PARADEY...

via rlv.zcache.com

It's like your mouse is actually spirit dancing WITH the raven on the MOON!

Acquire Greg Olsen the TE for Chicago.

via www.windycitynation.com

Greg Olsen doesn't smile he just makes you look good, IT'S WHAT HE FUCKING DOES.

Seriously, Cutler is gonna use him more than his insulin meter. You are a damn fool if you don't immediately trade or pick up, redraft, over-pay or steal to get him now. TG ain't putting up the same numbers he had in KC when ATL got you know, other viable NFL offensive players and shit. DO IT, do it, we said DO IT. You'll thank us.

YOUR GAMETIME SNACK OF THE WEEK

Trader Joe's Cioppino...

via farm4.static.flickr.com

It's seafood related... like Bawlamer, why B-less when you can B-more?

Our good god is this good. Now the PARADE spent a little bit of time in Italy in college and if you are looking for a seaside Portofino Zuppa di Mare, this ain't it. It's frozen fish, temper your expectations. Who are we talking to? This is Kansas City, it's great.

Now the PARADE followed the easy as shit instructions of thawing out the sauce, bringing to a boil, and dumping the seafood in. It takes like 15 minutes total, it's awesome. But we also added a little old bay, BAWLAMER STYLE CRABS AND FOOTBALL BABY WOO (ignore that), and some hot sauce. They're also a little chintzy as far as the quantity of sauce to seafood, so we added a little beer and in retrospect some tomato sauce or V8 to stretch it would have been nice. Also, key is toasting some ciabatta or like sourdough loaf to dip in the sauce. It's awesome, and you can impress the ladies by correctly calling it "cho-peen-oh" unlike Joel who thinks it's "Keyapipino" or fish soup.

Now, we though we're cool on this one with the Beer & old bay touch, but if you google image this stuff, people out there are making it look like the holy virgin on a cracker, so uh, go crazy.

YOUR GAME TIME BEER OF THE WEEK

Natty Boh!... because eh, it's wah we drink en Bawlamer!

via beer.fishtownbriefcase.com

In the wild world of beers, this, is not a good one. If we don't beat them on the field at least we'll drink "their" beer, which is probably made somewhere else anyway. For those not familiar with the bo' it's about on par with Pabst Blue Ribbon or Schlitz. It's got a lot of "hipster" cred because of it's retro logo:

via www.40ozmaltliquor.com

Everything about this photo says "class." (We genuinely didn't notice the choice of "pointing method" until after we uploaded it, you stay classy Bawlamer!)

But really it's not bad all in all. It probably beats getting "Nattified" with the other popular "Natty" beer. Also, like Old Style there's some civic pride associated with it, and unlike Chicagoans, Bawlamorans will rarely force it upon you claiming it tastes good when if fact it's reminiscent of garbage juice and freshly squeezed rat urine (take that over excited let's go cubbies old style pushers).

And then there's this girl, she's kinda cute...

via i89.photobucket.com

And this billboard, sure, why not?

via farm1.static.flickr.com

"SPECIAL" COMMENT OF THE WEEK

Your "special" comment of the week (not necessarily from the past week and any particular week for that matter) is awarded completely objectively and impartially to the OFFICIAL Arrowhead Pride PARADE for this gem on the Broncos apologizing to Brandon Marshall...

REALLY?

Dear Brandon, we’re sorry you beat up those girls and that we don’t want to pay you more money because you’re a crazy ass liability, sorry, really, our bad.

At one point in the conversation this sentence definitely was uttered, "Damn straight you better apologize after chasing Wilford Bitchley’s sugarfree ass outta here? You think I’m okay with this fuzzy drunk’s candyballs? Hell no."

We award ourselves this one because we're lazy, and this joke didn't get nearly the praise it deserved at the time, and it accurately predicted the future. Also it ties in nicely with our earlier Cutler insulin joke, even though he's gone we can still laugh at his tragic affliction, and we come full circle, cathartic isn't it?

Next week we'll try to keep a more open mind towards the other competitors, the OAPP just puts out a strong product childs.

AND SOMETHING(S) TO BLOW YOUR MIND

We suspect this could be like Joel's future run-in with the higher up of the Arrowhead press corp...

And, this, well, this is this, and it's kind of genius retarded... (Slightly NSFW we guess?)

Did you see Joe Flacco at the end? Yeah.

Let's hire Pete Rose. Get him reinstated and then, yeah, why not? Between him and Brett we could...

Official Arrowhead Pride Parade — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 15:29:42 -0000

Let's hire Pete Rose. Get him reinstated and then, yeah, why not? Between him and Brett we could get back to real baseball, you know, without the fundamentalists and Japanese necklaces

Another gem from KSK. As funny as him holding up the Cutler throwback? Nah.

Official Arrowhead Pride Parade — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 15:05:19 -0000

Another gem from KSK. As funny as him holding up the Cutler throwback? Nah.