SB Nation User Blog: Official Arrowhead Pride Parade

Your Saturday Afternoon PARADEBULATION: Paint it Black Edition

Official Arrowhead Pride Parade — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 05:16:31 -0000

Finals are disturbingly nigh for the PARADE so we apologize for this delayed and abbreviated PARADEBULATION.

Well, it's Raiders' week again and the AP is in full-on depression reuptake tailspin mode. Seriously, the PARADE is so sick of reading redundant diatribes about everything wrong with the Chiefs that we considered pretending this was an Eagles blog and doing an in depth study of Donovan McNabb (topics would include: barfing, NFL rules, Campbell's Chunky soup, indifference to "black quarterback discussions," and mittens).

So for lack of time and out of general disillusionment with the discourse here at the AP, we're gonna probably have to fake our way through the PARADEbutation?

Rest assured there still will be silly pictures.

First, let us say that in the morning when we look forward to checking out the AP after the news and email, this is generally our mood:

The McNabb post was gonna tie in the purple hat with "Silky Garrard" and how the 70's Namath QB/pimp revival died with Jake the Snake's stache.

Then we read a couple posts and comments about how the Chiefs at 1-10 may actually have a few problems. Then, once we finish gasping, and put the paper bag down, it's our own personal Altamont. We think back to a young PARADE who once believed Steve DeBerg or Dave Kreig could win a Superbowl, who was sure George Brett at 40 was due for his .400 season, and was outraged at Kevin Seitzer and Danny Tartabull's continual snubbing at the All-Star selections. Well after that we're all...

Creepy Charlie Watts, creepy.

"the mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heav'n of hell, a hell of heav'n." -John Milton Paradise Lost

We're starting to realize what turned us off to the Royals originally, even before the asinine spaceball cut-off jerseys and incorporating black (there's a theme there for the English majors reading [emoticon wink]), it was talk radio.

"Hey hey we've got Duane on from Chillicothe"

"Hey long time listener first time caller."

"Great to hear, what's up D-man"

"Well, you know, I think the real problem is the our lack of pitching."

"Well I think you got a point there (blah blah generalize) loss of Kevin Appier (blah etc.)"

Meanwhile, they have the highest ERA in the league and lowest combined batting average and neither acts like the point is so incredibly beyond the point of discussion that we the listener feel stupider for having listened to it. This is probably our personal peeve dear reader so we apologize for sucking you down our rabbit hole of things that make us consider self-immolation.

But really, if Van Hager could manage to put this little insight on their Live Right Here, Right Now album art:

What is understood, need not be discussed.

then you'd think Jim Rome could grasp that?

A quick note on Jim Rome (in our defense we had a summer job in high school that exposed us to a lot of sitting in trucks listening to AM radio), one time Rome made this joke about Daryll Strawberry's coke use by calling him Daryll "Snozzberry," yeah, mildly amusing at best. Rome goes on to use it at every commercial break or possible opportunity for the next hour, all the while chortling to himself. We hate Jim Rome from his d-bag goatee to the pointless hyperbole to the yelling that drowns out the soft pinging of his loan brain cell bouncing from skull wall to wall like an old atari game.

I guess if there's a point to all that is that sports talk radio sucks and that negative insights take far less effort and creativity than positive ones or at least balanced ones.

Fantasy Football

via images.elfwood.com

The website calls him "Gundabad, the Raider"

We started Donovan McNabb who already forgot the meaning of the word "tie." Why didn't you?

Food Advice:

The PARADE is bitter so Primetime doesn't get the Curry Cumin Carnitas Breakfast Burrito recipe this week, hope you're happy people. Instead the PARADE wishes there was some dijon for all this turkey. No colors anywhere We want them to turn black.

Beer Advice:

Bud Dry, it's a recession and they're $3.75 for a sixer of donkey d*cks (16 oz. cans)

via blogs.riverfronttimes.com

Why ask why indeed?

We're in finals mode, why are you drinking anyway?

Real Football?:

God forbid the Chiefs win, there'll be nothing to comment on, except maybe how we're bitter that they couldn't lose and "expose" to the world how right we were about some new aspect of their terribleness?

Does anyone really think that serious football analysis could be drawn from an outcome determinative evaluation of these two teams?

It's like racing two turds down a toilet bowl, get real.

We'd like to see a win just because it's the Raiders. Also it'd be fun to see Thigpen put a up a lot of points because we read in today's Washington Post that the average score of games has gone up about 5 points since 2001. This might be enough to shift our cautiously skeptical views of the staying power of the spread offense to cautiously optimistic. The NFL like big plays and high scores and have altered the rules to accommodate it, the Chiefs might actually be ahead of the curve for once.

Funny Pictures:

via harryallen.info

We owed Primetime at least something, so we're were saving it for Broncos week, but here you go, we don't know what body part this is, and we'd like to keep it that way. Also, kinda looks like Champ Bailey and Chad Pennington, no?

via i.a.cnn.net

Offended, not so much as a Chiefs fan, more as someone who thinks that blow-up doll psuedo lynchings are not too cool brah.

via i236.photobucket.com

Okay, so the mad max, stupid skull make-up thing we sorta get, "you're being pirate-y," but ah yes, when we think of the glory days of John Madden and young Marcus Allen we think of a buxom oddly muscley angel(?) provacatively wrapping herself around a handgun?

So our enemy's enemy is therefore our friend? (Slight NSFpuritanicalW or Digestion)

via www.grasshoppergraphics.com

They definitely win the award for most airbrushed logo in the AFC west.

via www.freewebs.com

Whoa, there Tyler, settle down, that's just Al Davis.

With that low-hanging fruit we bid you aduie for the week.

Whoa, wait....

P.S.

One last minute note: We meant to include this since it's technically football related, and well because it's rarely the PARADE feels as if our very consciousness, our intellect, our very soul has been plaguerized, only to be used in the most brilliant way possible. The entire post represents in someways the PARADE's basic philosophies and truths in the art of seduction and the ways of love and is well worth the read, but here's our choicest quote:

thats what 10’s like. Keeping It Real. they may say they want Tom Brady but in reality they want a Joe Namath who will get silly-drunk and walk around the living room in their girlfriends high heels pretending he’s a duck just for a laugh.

Here's the link (there's nothing inherently NSFW about that post except a less scantily clad than usual pretty lady and some questionable language; however, we doubt you want that URL bouncin around your work computer's web history).

AP: Fixated on the Negative?

Official Arrowhead Pride Parade — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 03:01:02 -0000

As a 1-10 team things are definitely awry among the Chiefs. Rebuilding is going slower than planned. The team appears frenetic even schizophrenic at times on both offense and defense. There hasn't been the gradual consistent development or improvement on either side of the ball that fans would like to be reassured with.

However, there are positive signs for any fan with a long term perspective:

Brandon Albert: Exceeding expectations, is an impressive starting NFL LT as a rookie.

Brandon Flowers: Looks like a starter for the foreseeable future (2 ints)

Brandon Carr: Same story also (2 ints) we'd say exceeds expectations out of Grand Valley State

Jamaal Charles: Our 2nd leading rusher (avg. 5.7 yd.s a carry), the Chiefs have a speed back with moves, based on the 2008 Giants this is great news, also overcame an injury already in season, good sign.

Brad Cottam: Avg. 10.2 yd.s a reception, Tony average 10.7, good sign, seems to block well and has decent hands, up until last week seemed to be playing pretty mistake free, we're calling him an upgrade over Dunn already.

Mike Cox, DeJuan Morgan, K-Robb all are looking pretty reliable too, and with Sackintosh sucking it up still, we're ready to see what Barry Richardson can do.

Tyler Thigpen (and hows about Quinn Grey?): Good lord this spread thing seems scary to rely on but for now it sure looks good.

Mark Bradley: Can we put Muhsin Muhammad on retainer as a personnel scout?, good call Muhsin.

There are a solid 6 - 11 reasons to be optimistic, let's add that with the exception of Grey (29) the oldest of all of them is Bradley at 26.

We would add to that Chan Gailey has proven himself to be both bold and versitile as an offensive coordinator.

We will have another top 5 draft position.

The AFC is terrible lately and no one else is nearly as young as the Chiefs.

They're you go 12 things to be optimistic about in the Chiefs' long-term future.

Also, here are some interesting stats we came across while coming up with this. In a backhanded way they could be complimentary:

Devard Darling has 5 solo tackles and Kolby Smith has 4, considering we're plugging defensive holes with guys off the waiver wires, and weighing in at 213 and 219 respectively, and as largely #3 guys on offense, why not at least consider it? Since Kolby's out for the season (overlooked when we started this train of thought), hopefully we won't need him next year, but how about Darling? Maybe in like a dimeback formation?

Also, at 6'3" 254 lbs. Quinn Grey (yes we know Herm would never go for it endangering a QB like that, and common sense is on his side, but what a badass move would it be to have your back-up QB sacking the opponent?)

Your Saturday Afternoon PARADEBULATION: Now With More Pointless Nostalgia Than an Episode of Lost

Official Arrowhead Pride Parade — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 19:35:25 -0000

Ahh yes, Buffalo, which is actually bastardized French for the Algonkin term meaning Horse Flesh Eaters. Fans of Contract Law will recall it as the home of gross public waste and mismanagement in the failed attempt at building a domed stadium in Kenford Co. v. County of Erie.

More importantly it conjurs up all sort of memories for the PARADE, namely one of our worst scarring childhood football watching experiences: the 1993 AFC Championship.

{Shudders}

More specifically, with about five minutes to go and up by 17, Bruce Smith in front of CBS's camera was actively leading the entire Buffalo crowd in a mocking version of the tomahawk chop.

This also inspired one of the PARADE's first ever posts on the AP's precursor, The Tomohawk Blog....

Namely, Bruce Smith an Orc?

via cache.gettyimages.com via www.bestweekever.tv

Ahhh, memories.... The original pictures were much better but we're pretty sure Chris had them destroyed.

Those were heady days our friends, no beer glove money or censorship or talk radio troll commenters, just pure sweet kamikaze Chiefs' coverage.

But before delving further, we, because no man is an island unto himself, must give the people what they want. Here are your gratuitous silly Buffalo pictures:

via image30.webshots.com

We HIGHLY question the historical accuracy of this, but as a bunch of Native American "chiefs" if you will, forcing a bunch of Buffalo "bills" if you will, off a cliff, we gotta say it doesn't get much more metaphorically apropos than that.

via farm2.static.flickr.com

What's that? No, we'll go with Buffalo Rumblings, give that to the Chiefs guy.

via bagnewsnotes.typepad.com

These are my legacy tarnishing gloves {thinks to himself, why didn't I kill Bradshaw when I had the chance}.

via www.dvdbeaver.com

For those of you unfamiliar with the film Buffalo '66 the moral is don't bet on Buffalo sports teams unless you are okay with prison rape and wanting to murder Scott Norwood (of course that's just our interpretation, the Bills' field goal kicker in the film's name is Scott Wood, so really it could be about anyone).

Well, that was sufficiently tasteless. On to the game and the sweet sweet memories.

This weeks game really comes down to two words:

via cache.spreadshirt.com

Yep, it's all gonna be about the Chiefs defense versus Marshawn Lynch. Trent Edwards against our pick happy backfield would be suicide for the Bills. There's no reason to assume Bones and Co. can't throw up at least 20 points. Although it'd be nice to see that happen because of the game plan rather than despite the split personality kill the clock Hyde to the hurry-up spread's Dr. Jekyll.

Basically, put up 20 and hold Lynch to fewer than 3 TDs and the Chiefs will make it at least another heartbreaker.

Of course, it's largely irrelevant as the losing has infected the Chiefs fanbase to the point that they even enjoy disparaging other teams:

From the Comments of "Marshawn Lynch Will Likely Enjoy the Ambiance Against the Chiefs" with regard to Lynch's talents:

"he tends to do a little too much jitterbugging" -Commenter UCrawford

UC's other observations of late:

"Sure Walter Payton's a fine runner but too much stutter-stepping and he never gets out of bounds when he needs to."

"The Beatles were alright but all their early stuff was pretty simple 3 and 4 chord ditties."

"Lincoln was okay if your okay with him not signing the emancipation proclamation until AFTER the war started/"

"That Jesus guy was nice and all, but if you think about it he was really kinda a commie, AND I never much cared for that long hair of his."

via assets.sbnation.com

ALSO, the PARADE would like to take this opportunity to assure our readers that yes, yes indeed, Marshawn will enjoy both the abience AND the decor regardless of Sunday's out come just check THIS OUT

So we'll take the ratio of KC Applebees to Buffalo Applebees (10-6) and extrapolate that out to a 30-18 Chiefs victory.

/Fully aware Herm will never aquiese to such 'Arena Football type scoring,' we're counting on two Trent Edwards gift wrapped INT-TDs in the time that the Chiefs would usually spend losing the game to cover that spread.

NOW, the Fantasy 'White Buffalo' Advice:

via i254.photobucket.com

Bad week already, the PARADE made the playoffs sure, but Thursday night T.J. Houshmanotgonnalookuphowtospellhisname, and Hines Warld combined for a massive 8.2 points. Thanks elite NFL receivers!

Will this be the week randomly picking Justin Fargas off the waiver wire is good idea? No. Is this the week that starting L.J. finally pays off after waiting out his screw-ups? Un-nuh. Really, it's a bad sign when all the fantasy sleepers are facing your team (that only goes for Lee Evans and Marshawn, not Edwards, Trent Edwards is godawful, we're glaringly omitting knocking on wood there, he's that bad, seriously, Hermproofly terrible, Trent Edwards is an inferior quarterback and possibly a bad person [we have nothing to base that last part on other than his name is Trent]).

So that's our advice: DO NOT START TRENT EDWARDS!

This week's snack is Chili Mac:

We were going to delve into the beauty that is Trader Joes pre-made carnitas and their multitude of possibilities, instead we'll have to save that for another PARADE.

Chilli mac is the bachelor's go to for a fulfilling meal. It's delicious and satisfying, not to mention it covers your beans, meats, carbs, and spices nutritional groups.

The PARADE got this idea whilst perusing the hobo/travellers/cat-lady food aisle at Walgreens. Thereupon we came upon Cambell's new "Roadhouse" Chilli. Recently Campbell has been on a marketing tear what with everbody's mom hocking the Chunky, and McNabb barfing and whatnot. But this adjective "Roadhouse" what the hell is that? Seriously, we've never been to a roadhouse (outside of kitschy self-proclaimed blues bar "roadhouses"). What is their purpose? Do these Roadhouse products contain bits of real 'swayze?' Other than Jim Morrison I've never heard a roadhouse mentioned in earnest, ever. Wethinks this is just an advertising scheme because the adjective "MAN" tends to make products sound gay.

Try a heaping bowl of Campbell's new "MAN Chilli" mmm mmm good.

Yeh, we'll pass.

Anyway, we said screw you Campbell's and went for the beanless Hormel stuff (great for bomb shelters and when you run out of dog food).

Then it's simple, boil up some elbow macaroni (Walgreen's brand), serve, pour the Chilli on, spread some shredded cheese on top (also Walgreen's brand). No butter, no salt, not condiments or adult ingredients of any type needed.

via houndstoothgourmet.com

The Sour Cream and Chives were photoshopped in.

A Beer:

via www.springfieldgo.com

Would someone be willing to mail a case out to the east coast? Seriously, this stuff is great, we'll pay you double, plus the shipping. If they still make it and you're anywhere near Missouri go to a liquor super store and find it. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Something to Blow Your Mind AND to Melt Your Heart:

Ah, the year was 2005, Bush was in the White House, Chris lived like a shiftless pirate, the Tomohowk Blougue was a pipedream come true, Biz Markie was all over the itunes and the PARADE saw it all come together. Ms. AP was also there, keeping the man alive we tell you, carrying your mighty Blogfather's fragile pschye on her shoulders. Well, we all knew this day would come, one day Peter BloggerChris Pan would have to grow up, and both Primetime and the PARADE swore we'd be there.

Part of this tribute would require a plan, so stupid, yet so brilliant the PARADE swore to make it become a reality.

These are the logistics, the PARADE submits some of the details to the AP (partially out of fear our invitation will end up in the "online friends" stack [although we are told that the online version WILL have some sweet animated gifs of glittering ringing wedding bells and cans rattling behind a limo! {sadly we hear it's also a byob cash bar, way to take care of your readers Chris}]):

We will need one all white 3 piece tux for Primetime, one black suit for the PARADE, one soulful choir group of at least 13, one talented young lady capable of singing like Whitney Houston, a small group of boys who can adaquately impersonate back-up dancers and then the proper sound and lighting equipment.

Then the plan is to perform this little number with the PARADE as Sting and Primetime as Diddy:

Trust us, Primetime can move like Diddy no problem.

The big problem now becomes a question of timing. Feel free to volunteer your suggestions in the poll or in the comments.

Poll

When should Primetime and the PARADE deliver their masterful performance of "I'll be missing you?"

A Brief Message for the AP

Official Arrowhead Pride Parade — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 16:42:31 -0000

From the FanPosts. -Chris

via interthing.files.wordpress.com

Seriously, we understand it's Monday and all, but get ahold of yourselves. Yesterday, we decreed this the "most depressing team ever" (clearly a bit hyperbolic), but we meant it in the sense that they've been heartbreaking losses of late.

More in the Wilco sense than Whitlock's Tyler Perry morality play sense (maybe a cultural breakdown there, Whitlock's outrage over prop 8 column should be coming any day now) but mostly it was in frustration that if the Chiefs were truly terrible we could abandon watching the game on Sundays.

All the same, this Carl and Herm (and now Clark Hunt) are impossible lost losers by nature talk is getting insufferably old. All we ask if for is some justification.

For example, we are greatly concerned that the injuries and lack of 2nd half production may be a result of well-merited criticism of the conditioning going on in practice. We say this because as a "player's coach" known for "quick but hard practices" Herm contrast greatly to Marty's teams. Marty was know for rigorous conditioning, conducting Oklahoma drills, and it was even speculated that his training camps overly depleted his teams resulting in his playoff "curse." This also likely fed into the Gunther coached dominant defenses that played home games with an uncommon intensity. Is Herm too player friendly then?

Second, we have less of a problem with Herm's perceived "time management" skills in the sense of "bumbling" things like timeouts and challenges and reply cameras, and more of a problem with his offensive "pacing" of the game. Yesterday, the Chiefs look disjointed, both in their use of LJ and 'driving' plays versus 'downfield' plays versus 'yardage run' plays. Chan has done a great job this season, but they need to get a rhythm.

Last, the Chiefs biggest need both against SD and NO was the lack of any middle linebacking, Napoleon Harris may be competing with the decision to put all our eggs in the Brodie basket as the worst mistake to date.

Now for some things to be happy about:

We are not a 5-5 or even a 6-4 team (as admired by several current Chiefs detractors, sure, this would probably get us to the playoffs this year, BUT ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN WHINING ABOUT FOR THE PAST NINE MONTHS??? No more 8-8 teams remember? Take some joy from getting to play high end draft guru for a second year.);

We are better off than Detroit, Oakland, (and likely better off than) St. Louis, Cincinnati, (and might be better off than) Seattle, San Francisco, Houston, and Cleveland YET we will almost certainly have a higher draft position than most of them;

This team is tied for the youngest in the NFL;

Chan Gailey has successfully introduced Herm to the concept of downfield passing (both entertaining to watch and a concept courted to by every NFL rule change in the past 10 years);

The Chiefs do NOT have Chad Pennington as our QB (or ricky williams);

Also, call us crazy but we don't think this Kerry Collins guy has another decade in him;

Nothing personal Jared, but you're not going to win a Superbowl this year, God knows we liked Allen on the Chiefs, and he's still a nice guy, but there was definitely enough mouth shooting off to justify some schadenfreude in that there's enough parity in the NFL to say the Vikings aren't unbeatable to the Chiefs in the next three to five years;

San Diego and Denver are successfully spinning their wheels in mediocrity right now;

Norv Turner and Phillip Rivers will be costing the Chargers points (if not games) long after Herm has either righted the ship or been chased out of town (also LDT is starting to feel the wear of being an overused back);

As long as Al Davis is alive the Chiefs will have more potential to win than Oakland;

We think we'd still rather be Chiefs fans than Dallas fans, they've become the "just win baby" of the otts and are a recipe for clutch failures (also Tony Romo, what a tool);

Cleveland and Seattle seem to have the "self-destruct" with no real plan, we don't buy into the Brady Quinn hype and Shaun Alexander doesn't even have to get arrested to become his team's most over hyped albatross;

Honestly, the moral of the story is the NY Giants' defense, that's what a strong supporting cast does, pull Osi and Strahan and they're still dominant, unlike many detractors, we feel we're possibly another strong draft and some linebackers short of completing the puzzle, Flowers and Carr are going to be good, Dorsey seems to be coming along (too slowly) but he's certainly not a bust yet, and McBride has come into his own;

So there, we could have Gus Ferrotte at QB, or Dan Snyder running the team, or Shaun Alexander *shudders, or Denver's run defense (essentially we're the same now, but at least we can draft some linebackers), or Romeo Crennel.

So there, call it an early Thanksgiving, but we'd rather be losing and sitting on a powder keg of young talent than winning with false confidence and an aging core, hell even Green Bay is only 5-5 and we'd love to be in their position.

Last, as long as they're the Kansas City Chiefs and not the Las Vegas Chiefs, Clark Hunt is okay in our book.

Your Saturday Afternoon PARADEBULATION: Bend it Like Thigpen

Official Arrowhead Pride Parade — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 16:04:54 -0000

Hooah Hooah Hooahn! Elloou Paradebiennes eee Paradebugeots.

Ziss weeks PARADEBULATION will occasionally employ this reedeackulous Frrranch auckzent to aid in zee translation for our Cajuahn readahhs.

Oooshey!

Also in our discussion we will address the 1,000 lbs. crawfish in the room: is "Bones," aka Sir Tyler Beckham Thigpen, an honest to goodness NFL QB to be reckoned with?

Oh yeah, and ridiculous pictures mocking this week's opponent....

When we think Louisiana, and then we think football...

via www.cultfiction.com.au

You can do it! What, too timely? Apparently some fans at Bolts From The Blue took issue with our Whale's Vagina jokes last week.

Sooo, for something a little more two thousand eighty let's address how Reggie Bush's dates don't need to worry about finding a comfortable place to sit:

via urbansportstalk.files.wordpress.com

We are always pleased by the hyperlinks that show up in the photo credis.

Maybe we should stick to how Lil Wayne's a bandwagon fan:

via cdn.withleather.uproxx.com-s1.simplecdn.net

Weezy likes a winner.

Screw it, let's just bring it all back with a Saint we can all support:

via 7.media.bustedtees.com

Honestly, beyond slackjawed Cajuns and still being on the Napoleonic Code, there's not much we can come up with to mock the Saints.

Maybe Saint Sebastian, patron saint of Arrowman?:

via www.wga.hu via www.curtsfamousmeats.com

Le Carne du Curt, houuhn houuhn houuu, they'zz sac-ri-licious!

As we said before, the giant crafish in the room everybody seems to be talking about is whether Tyler Thigpen is quote unquote "the real deal" (is what we just did redundant?). We'll admit we were pretty skeptical of Bones' legitimate capacity even a serviceable NFL QB, let alone a good one. Also, Chris has pointed out several of pratfalls of dubbing Bones the Chiefs' once and future QB (namely basing this on 3 games, waiting for the eventual "bad game," placing too much faith in this mythical "spread" offense). However, there ARE some good reasons to be optimistic about young bones: Bones and Brett Favre seem to operate on the same intellectual plain, which is to say completely instinctual; Mark Bradley; He's certainly durable, and better yet, seeminly resilent; and oh yeah, did we mention Mark Bradley?

You go get 'em Bones:

via farm1.static.flickr.com

Some Fantasy Foosball Advice:

via images.elfwood.com

Like, whoa.

We're gonna blow some minds and say that this is a good week to dust off LJ and start him once again. LJ always been a very emotional player, and certainly isn't above cliche, so we could see him running for some much needed redemption in front of a home crowd.

This is despite the fact that with Bush out and a banged up Saints secondary all signs point to this becoming an air war. Indeed, hopefully without jinxing the Chiefs this week will be about our corners vs. Moore & Colston and stopping Drew Brees.

That, and hopefully Mark Bradley getting six kinds of awesome.

A Gametime Snack:

We return to the sandwich motif this week.

You'll need some type of roll, we reccommend the Cibatta rolls from trader joes, but any old keiser works too.

You're going to have hollow the inside some, and save that bread for making "Ghetto Quiches." Then you make a filling out of Ricotta cheese, diced salami and prosciutto, and then some shaved parmasean, the strippy kind you get at the store works well. Then fill in you hollowed out roles and toast for about 2 minutes or until sufficiently melty.

A Beer

via i64.photobucket.com

Little known fact, KC Chiefs fan and celebrity, Paul Rudd whenever he is consuming a beer in a film, is always consuming a Sierra Nevada. Also, an old lady the PARADE use to work with says she likes to drink Sierra Nevadas around the holidays because they've got some kick. So yah, take that to the bank and smoke it.

Something That will Blow Your Mind:

Let's change it up this week and stay true to the spirit of this section...

Submitted for your approval. *If you were wondering the Parade does frequent beadazzle.com.

Official Arrowhead Pride Parade — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 19:48:36 -0000

Submitted for your approval.

*If you were wondering the Parade does frequent beadazzle.com.

Your Saturday Afternoon PARADEBULATION: PARANGE You Can Believe in Edition

Official Arrowhead Pride Parade — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 03:46:34 -0000

Listen All Of Y'all This Is PARADEbotage...

In honor of the historic election this week the PARADEBULATION will introduce some new features while hopefully maintaining all the PARADEisms that PARADEOphiles have grown to know and love.

The Chiefs are currently what we like to call THE BEST EFFING ONE AND SEVEN TEAM IN FOOTBALL! The Chargers at #2 are realizing their potential to, shall we say, "soil their linens" or "merde le lit?"

That said, Primetime in discussing this week's PARADEBBULENCE was concerned that the "chargers" are too abstract a concept for the PARADE to visually mock in the same vein as "retarded dolphins" or "gay broncos."*

Well, the PARADE had only one response to that...

via cache.gizmodo.com

Touche, Primetime, touche.

Of course, as all our learned readers know, "charger" in addition to being an electronic device, was originally a reference to a horse:

via upload.wikimedia.org via www.nataliedee.com

The resemblance is uncanny, no?

Furthermore, noted dodecasexual Mick Jagger alluded to possible islamo-Radical connections in his disco masterpiece "Emotional Rescue":

"I will be your knight in shining armour
Riding across the desert with a fine arab charger"

Without Jason Elam in the AFC West to protect us, who will?

Last, let us enlighten those not familiar with KSK's treasure trove of Phillip Rivers and Greg Marmalard (of Animal House fame) comparisons.

via kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com

Makes it too easy, doesn't he?

Next, we'd like to address the speculation that the Chiefs are only a few missed plays, calls, slip-ups from being in playoff contention at 4-4.

We have to concur with Primetime's sentiments in that being envious of mediocrity is suicide in the long term. We're just fine with losing and draft picks as long as development is happening. Also, the Pats game wasn't that close, let's be honest.

And now, a word from Mitch Hedburg on false hopes:

"I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes."

The Chiefs best chance this week is to try to shut down LT and get in Marmalard's head.

via tbn0.google.com

As Whale's Vagina blogger "Bolts from the Blue" oh so un PC-ly noted, an optimistic version of the Charger's strategy is if "LT creates a trail of tears for the Chiefs."

via www.tshirtbordello.com

So the question is can Gun and our injury beleaguered backfield show up three weeks in a row and stuff LT? If so We think our corners could pick some of Rivers' infamous wobbly crumpled napkin passes setting off his Ryan Leaf-esque temper.

Then on offense We think San Diego is totally looking passed us, so we'll need Charles to stay healthy and hope that either the Whale's Vag hasn't figured out spread OR more likely, that Herm will have the guts/material to keep getting creative, cause we don't win this in a slug fest. Of course San Diaahhhgho has shown 2007-Chiefs-like ability to poop the bed.

Now for some Fantasian Futbolling Advice:

via www.ezthemes.com

Hmm, not all that unlike fellow SB Blogger Bolts from the Blue:

via assets.sbnation.com

"I'm juss playin"

This week Mewelde Moore may have been carlessly discarded upon Willie Parker's brief return. We say pick him up, they way Ben Rothgrasthname has been getting pummelled, Mewelde's gonna get more carries than a 70's Cuban coke mule.

Also, we hate Jay Cutler for starting off the PARADE's opponent with 31 points this week? Why do the Brown's have to be so terrible? We'll tell you why, because the one monday night game Braylon Edwards decides to have a career game is when the PARADE's opponent starts him, and the PARADE's already locked up a 20 point lead. Also, Brady Quinn is the most annoying closet homosexual on the planet.

MOVING ON...

Your gametime snack of the week is...

via www.deepgroup.com

Hot Pockets... Yeah, that's right, deal with it. What? You wanted Julia Child every week? And frankly if you're one of those people who claims not to like hot pockets, well then you probably hate freedom, and puppies, and bottle rockets.

Instead we'll be plugging KC native, and voice of KC's season of Hard Knocks, Paul "I was in Clueless" Rudd's latest film: Role Models.

Why you say, well we feel this oddly NSFW? drawing should explain everything.

Chiefs Nostalgia:

Yeah, that just happened.

A Beer:

via www.timeout.com

Rogue Dead Guy, it's tasty, it comes in a jug if your lucky, and it's like 6.5% which is awesome. If you haven't tried it, you're missing out. Drink it slow and enjoy, drink it fast and you'll be drunk, but We recommend keeping it cold.

A couple things that should blow your mind:

First, an obligatory Mighty Boosh clip:

Annnd the follow up to the last "It's always sunny in Philadelphia" clip:

Last, well, we'll be honest, we had some reservations about even posting this last video. We've been a fan of the song for some time, but never seen the video before, it does tie in the Chargers and Mick Jagger well though, but it's pretty weird even by PARADE standards, so be warned:

*The PARADE would point out that "retarded dolphins" and "non-mentally handicapped dolphins" as well as "straight" and "gay broncos" will be equally derided under the PARADEBULATION's new administration. Based on their respective humor of course.

Your Saturday Afternoon PARADEBULATION: Election Halloween Swishy Swashbuckling Edition

Official Arrowhead Pride Parade — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 18:57:37 -0000

PARADEBULATE! PARADEBULATE! PARADE TO THAA MUZZZIICK!!

Our sincere apologies the PARADEBAHOLICS out there. The PARADE, we've been down 2 weeks in a row due to technical difficulties and 'personal responsibilities,' lame, we know.

Well the PARADEBULATION is back, and what is there to say?

A lot, the PARADE's pretty bewildered by what's come to pass of late.

We'll get to that but first, with it being a day after Halloween and all, we'd think this would be a great opportunity to make some gay pirate jokes about the Tampa Bay Bucaneers (not to mention their former logo), but as you well know gentle reader, the PARADE is way above that.

via www.tauryx.com

Yep, waaay above that...

via bp1.blogger.com

Yep, class act, that's us...

via lh3.ggpht.com

Editor's Note: NOT actually us metaphorically or literally.

Now, before jumping in, let PARADE offer a brief commentary on Jon Grunden and his Bullsh*t tough guy attitude. We respect his coaching style, he appreciates defense yet (unlike some coaches) somehow grasps that this is complemented by an aggressive offensive philosophy.

That said, dude's a tool. Seriously, Exhibit A would be his "squabble" with Rich Gannon. Gannon was "fighting with his coach," Gruden on the other hand, well, Jon's a "squabbler." Furthermore, call us crazy but the PARADE thinks his tough guy attitude might have more to do with being a baby-faced, blonde, no "h" jon, who wears visors and was probably called "pretty" rather than "handsome" well into his 20's, than any Trey Hillmanesque "Grit."

Now for a brief political commentary, we hesistate to make any substantive commentary as UCrawford would lay into the PARADE with a breakdown of Coolidge vs. Harding administration taxation vs. employment breakdown (to be fair UCrawford was 100% correct about the Brodie Croyle question, the PARADE was a little to caught up in the Brodacity of Hope).

BUT, the PARADE will express our outrage at the usurptation of the Todd Vanderleer moniker... Admittedly, this is a brilliant article and here is our favorite exerpt:

When my late father T. Coddington Van Voorhees VI founded the iconoclastic conservative journal National Topsider in 1948, he famously declared that "Now is the time for all good conservative helmsmen to hoist the mizzen, pour the cocktails, and steer this damned schooner hard starboard."

But nonetheless is time for the Vanderleers, Vandelays and Van Voorhees to consolidate our considerable wealth and brilliance.

Oh man, Warren G. Harding, that's some Singletariesque intensity.

Substantive Football Analysis:

What to say, another long shot game. The bad news, the Chiefs are still pretty terrible, the Bucs aren't nearly as pass happy as the Broncos or Jets (our game changer seems to be demoralizingly strong DB play against reckless QBs). The Bucs also have pass rush that doesn't have to telegraph itself to Bones and the "Ribcage Spreader" offense.

The good news? Jeff Garcia might get distracted by this post. The Bucs have been lousy on the road this season. Gruden is (almost as) equally bull-headed and predictable in his run by committee conservative offense. It's close to Halloween which should have bones feelin pretty good. Seriously though, the novelty of the Chiefs "Big South Conference" offense may not have worn off enough that the game should turn on it's success (hopefully [meaning it was not a demoralizing defensive soul crusher and runaway Buc's rush fest]).

The week in FANTASY piracy:

via www-cache.daz3d.com

Know what would make this more "fantastical" is if the computer generated woman did have the butterfly tat on her CGI'd tah tah and didn't have a LAZY EYE!"

This isn't a fantasy woman so much as an off duty stripper part-timing at Applebees, complete with eye patch.

The PARADE is holding strong despite this beautiful scenario: SF & NO bye week with Frank Gore, Duece McAllister (thanks Duece!), Issac 'Gramps' Bruce, Lance 'Waiver Flex' Moore, AND L.J. (seriously, could draw this out some more maybe?).

So what to do? Justin Fargas (why? we have no effing idea why, people seem to like him? meh, we're screwed). Annnd, wait for Ricky "cause I got high" Williams, crazy? sure. But Denver's got a terrible run D, and the Morris "wildcat" game has gotten predictable, so why not? Beats Leon Washington. And we get to use this again:

via www.killahbeez.com

A Gametime Snack:

Bacon: 3 ways.

You ever been to a fancy resturant or at least watch that Top Chef show where they culinarily fellate themselve by making a basic ingredient gross, then normal, then a fancy name for something so incredibly basic that you'd be insulted if they served it by itself? The they call it #### 3 ways (or a flight of #### if its more than 3).

"Ahh here we have nutter butter tapioca, a homemade drumstick sans cone with honey roasted ice cream, and finally a Sri Lankan formely Ceylon P.B.&J."

That's not a $40 appetizer, that's good day at a county fair.

That said, we present Bacon 3 ways: a BLTinini (their word not mine), ghetto quiche crackers, and baconwich.

The BLTini is easy once you obtain the key ingredient:

via farm3.static.flickr.com

Mix with V8, perhaps a Slim Jim Stirrer? Serve chilled in a frou frou shot class on a plate.

Here's the classy recipe for Bacodka, and here's the PARADE's more useful primer.

Sound gross? It's gotta be better than the PARADE's idea for a Stoli & Kikko.

Ghetto Quiche: This one's deceptively simple. You know that frying pan you have that's too small, that everytime you use ends with you spiling stuff on your hot stove? Take that one. Turn your oven on to something low like 250 degrees or so. Then, make sure you pre-fry your bacon, the PARADE reccomend minimum 10 strips for this and the sandwiches, then layer with paper towels. Next, you'll need some Wonder or Iron Kids or other easily maleable white bread.

Now the G.Q. is basically just an omlette, but use 3-4 eggs scrambled (cream, not milk and only a little, watery is the enemy here), 5-6 bacon strips (crumbled), and then 1-1.5 slices of bread (all ripped up and soaked in egg). Undercook slightly and then place the entire pan in the oven (pay attention to the handle if it's plastic, you should be cool, but the PARADE's not looking to get sued). After about 15 minutes you should be solid, the goal is a nice cassarole consistency.

Cut up into poorly formed squares, place on triscuits, garnish individually (some use parsley, the PARADE likes Bacon bits).

Last, the bacon sandwich. Lay strips of cruncy bacon length-wise across slice of white bread, cover with slice of white bread, cut diagonally (classy eh?).

If you must, you may 'toast' the bread and use a little of that seedy brown mustard, but NOTHING else, this is minimalism you plebe.

Then serve on a oblong white plate and jabber about flavor combinations until you get hungry and lay into the rest of your omlette.

via www.jfklibrary.org

Like that, but with BACON.

A Beer:

via img.photobucket.com

Errr, sorta, the Chelada is a delicious new concoction, that guarantees if the Bacon didn't blow up you blood pressure it will. Basically, the key is the Clamato, do NOT, and we repeat, DO NOT attempt your own homemade Clamato recipe, go to the store, and buy it. Modelo (pictured above) works well, as does Corona or Pacifico, just make sure it's a lighter beer (NOT a light beer though). Then season to taste, the PARADE likes a little Old Bay Seasoning and Tabasco in a 2 beer to 1 clamato mix with a lemon juice squirt. All these warnings are to save Chiefs fans from their worst ever heartburn. Budweiser has a pre-fab chelada product (aka heartburn in a can). Experiment with a small sample serving before settling into a chelada exclusive football viewing experience.

AND FINALLY FOR SOMETHING AWESOME AND MIND BLOWING

First the Boosh:

And NOW something the PARADE's new favorite show "It's always sunny in Philadelphia."

Ricky Williams, bust out fantasy week?

Official Arrowhead Pride Parade — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 01:31:13 -0000

Normally the PARADE respects the sanctity of other teams' SB sites (especially over something as lame as FF) but as an owner of Larry Johnson, Duece McAllister, and Frank Gore hopefully you'll take pity on the PARADE like poorly cast Cuban stripper in a Chingy video...

The PARADE's trick leg tells him this could be Ricky's breakout week: Denver's run defense is god awful (we in KC know), the wildcat seems to be slowing, Colorado is rife with sweet stinky weed (lookin at you Kerry Collins).

Regardless, does this make sense phinsiders? Is Morris clearly going to be the main guy enough that Ricky gets a crappy scatback's handful of carries? Is Tony Saprano hip to you gotta run to whack the donkeys? Is Ricky gonna run like a beast or will he be all whistful and side steppy thinking about his old buddy towely?

Oh, and no hard feelings:

via www.killahbeez.com

Tyler Thigpen has securely located his balls...Mothership Covers-Up

Official Arrowhead Pride Parade — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 05:05:58 -0000

Tyler Thigpen has securely located his balls...Mothership Covers-Up

Well, so that's why they don't let Bones talk too much, he don't exactly talk pretty.

"The whole media deal, getting stuff ready with the equipment manager [about the balls], all those little things."

Check the press conference at about the (quarter inch?) mark, and then the transcript here, where the mothership kindly edits Thiggy's statement (sans the PARADE's parenthetical correction, see above).

See guys? That was the problem in Atlanta, Bones was uncertain about the status of his balls, hopefully he has firm grasp on them this weekend, he'll need to.