SB Nation User Blog: Oops Pow Surprise

The Moustache Project Begins

Oops Pow Surprise — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 05:55:18 -0000

Hello, folks, OPS here. As a strong proponent of moustaches as an indicator of virility, I've often wondered why the ol' whiskey strainer has worked its way out of American culture over recent years. After all, it's a fixture on the greatest swimmer of his generation, the two best baseball players of our generation (check that, three best), the finest football player of the Super Bowl era, the finest coach of the Super Bowl era, and the best US President of all time (no, no biases here). There is no better mark of greatness. And it must come back to the Iowa basketball team. Fortunately, we're here to help.

Obviously, we can't give moustaches to the entire Iowa basketball team straight away today. That would be a most labor-intensive project, and it'd leave us with nothing to do for the regular season. Clearly, this'll be a season-long feature; after all, this is The Moustache Project, not The Moustache Instance. We've got a long way to go.

All the same, we must start at the top, with the coach--and the youngin' who spent many a night at the same dinner table.

YAWWWWN.

That's coach Todd Lickliter and son John Lickliter. Regardless of your opinion of Lickliter's job at the helm of the team thus far, you must surely concede that both father and son must relish this unique opportunity; even if John never sees a single minute of court time, he gets to spend four years next to his father on the bench, watching first-hand as he coaches a major college basketball team. That's got to kick major ass.

All the same, this is the Moustache Project, and there's something disturbingly clean about both of these men's appearances. That needs to be remedied.

At first, we were thinking something like an Errol Flynn Sharpie for the youthful Li'l Lick while his dad went Dignified Belvedere, but you know what? John is clearly his father's son, so if they're going all in, they're doing it together. Thus, we've given them El Full Mexican, after the break.

BONANZA!

Beyonce, your thoughts?

Yeah, 'swhat I thought.

You know what makes this picture great? Not only does the 'brero totally the coach's tie, but it also obscures the fact that he's trying not to smile in the picture. Don't worry, Lickliter; no matter how silly you think this photo op might be, rest assured that you look hard as hell with a Mexistache.

Rest assured, more well-placed and ill-conceived moustaches throughout the year. For example, did you know that Matt Gatens is one Hulk Stache away from being Larry Bird? Oh, it'll happen; we're gonna make it happen.

Terrorist fist jab: Nunes for the Beyonce Upgrade pic

Deep Thought For The Night

Oops Pow Surprise — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 03:44:03 -0000

When Ricky Stanzi went down today, why did Iowa have to rely on James Vandenberg--an untested, two-star quarterback--with a perfect season on the line? Doesn't Iowa need either a highly-rated backup or one with starting experience?

Yes, shame on Kirk Ferentz for not having a highly-rated recruit with tons of experience to save the game. .

17-10: Northwestern Steals Another Upset at Kinnick

Oops Pow Surprise — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 20:01:55 -0000

More photos » by Charlie Neibergall - AP

4 days ago: Iowa quarterback Ricky Stanzi is escorted off the field after getting injured during the first half of an NCAA college football game against Northwestern, Saturday, Nov. 7, 2009, in Iowa City, Iowa. (AP Photo/Charlie Neibergall)

Browse more photos »

First of all, huge congratulations to Northwestern. We must admit that we didn't see their "injure Ricky Stanzi" gameplan coming, but they worked it to perfection.

Stanzi is likely out for the rest of the regular season with a high ankle sprain, so it's time for the James Vandenberg-John Wienke deathfight to begin.

Lastly, we must congratulate the Northwestern alumni, each and every one clad in Armani suits and driving Ferraris, for outpaying Iowa's previous efforts to bribe the referees. The SEC may be gagging people from criticizing referees, but since they refuse to admit BHGP as a 13th member, it's open season. The holding call on Eubanks on the touchdown was bullshit. The fumble call on Wegher was bullshit. The three consecutive defensive holding/pass interference calls on the last drive were supreme bullshit. We can't claim that the referees cost Iowa a win, but it's plain to see they cost Iowa their shot at the win.

Congratulations to the Iowa defense--particularly the defensive line, who worked their asses off today. Just a shame the other side of the ball was too damaged by injury and capricious officiating to follow suit.

Anyway, this'll be our open thread. Play nice. Now's not the time to make enemies. If you're pissed, that's fine, but commiserating may be a much less therapeutic option than, say, taking a walk. The perfect season's over and it may have fallen off a cliff. If you can't be civil in these circumstances, I strongly recommend you disengage. Otherwise, bar's open.

SECOND HALF LIVEBLOG: EMO IOWA

Oops Pow Surprise — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 18:34:16 -0000

Untitled by Simple Plan with lyrics (via jalenfaith)

Things have gone... sour. Sour to quite sour. Here, we wail and lament. And also Iowa's still going to win because this is what the script always says.

Please come back, Ricky Stanzi. Please.

OPENGAMETHREADBLOGLIVESHAZAM: Northwestern Hates Our Freedom

Oops Pow Surprise — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 08:22:21 -0000

Foo Fighters - My Poor Brain (via 0foofighter0)

Battle music right at the top? It's just dumb enough to work.

Here we go. Iowa's 9-0 on the season, and all that's left is a road date with the BXI team we all strive to beat and two home games against two teams to whom it's just intolerable to lose. As we help foster this nastiest of the unprotected rivalries in the conference, we hope that Iowa calls up the echoes of the '80s and '90s to beat the living hell out of Northwestern.

We also hope that we don't hurt their boys too bad. After all, they're just Northwestern.

Liveblog rules hold steady. Avoid the slurs at all costs and motherfuck Northwestern. This game is ours. Let's do this.

There's A Game on Saturday? Just Northwestern

Oops Pow Surprise — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 06:03:51 -0000

More photos » by Nam Y. Huh - AP

Browse more photos »

Iowa has one opponent between themselves and a 10-0 season... and that opponent is just Northwestern. Problems? No problems here, nosiree.

What Northwestern will need to win the game

To put it plainly, perfection. Regardless of whether he's on the Cats' injury list, Mike Kafka's hamstring cannot be 100%--not if it kept him out of the PSU game while Daniel Persa ineffectualled his way to a 21-point loss. It's not Persa's fault that the jNWU defense turned into the slighest webs of spider's silk and wishes, ready to be burst through by the weakest of Zugs; it is Persa's fault that the Wildcat offense was totally unable to recover when necessary.

But Kafka's back, his hamstring having healed enough to win Bitchpatrick's trust, and the 7-yard slant is back in play. For Iowa, that requires a schematically different approach, all as Norm Parker continues to recover from more diabetes- and infection-related foot problems. So it goes with all that; just ask Ron Santo.

The more involved the coaching staff is with the Iowa preparation this week, the more we'll probably see wacky plays like Brodercik Binns and/or Adrian Clayborn dropping into flat responsibility, even if it's just to get a mitt on the ball on a 2nd and 10 or so. Keep in mind that a defender can completely alter a game without registering tackles, sacks, forced fumbles and recoveries. The last three are fleeting glory stats, and the first is something that pales in comparison to receiving double-teams the whole game or otherwise forcing a quarterback out of his comfort zone.

jNWU is going to have to be on the high end (or higher) of their probablility scale to have a decent chance at winning this game;

What Iowa needs to do to win the game

Just don't fuck this up. Let Wegher get 20 carries, even if the first 16 carries resulted in 16 total yards; he'll just be overdue at that point. Northwestern does not have an admirable rush defense, but Iowa will struggle to rush for at least two of the game's four quarters; that's just how we do.

On defense, unless Arby Fields has the game of his life awaiting, Iowa is going to put forth one of their better defensive performances on the season. There's too much uncertainty in the jNWU backfield to expect more than 21 points; Iowa offense, then, this is your baseline. You dip below at your season's mortal peril.

But though jNWU's defense has its stout moments, it also has its epic parade of suck, and that has every chance of being on display Saturday afternoon.The depth chart is in tatters, Corey Wootton's at the same percentage of effectiveness as his knee (currently 80% or so), and if any of them tweak a ligament it's avalanche time.

Really, it's just that easy; #4 Iowa should beat a mediocre team by much more than the 17 points they're giving on Saturday. Every game's been close? But of course; you're just right where Iowa (and Vegas) wanted you.

Prediction

34-10, Iowa. This is a secondary that a decent Ricky Stanzi tears to shreds--even with a hobbled Trey Stross--and we are fantastically underwhelmed by this Northwestern offense choosing between an immobile Kafka and an ineffective Dan Persa. A defensive touchdown is totally in play here.

This convincing win, coupled with Vanderbilt's stunning upset in Gainesville (oh, it's coming, and if it doesn't happen then Tim Tebow totally cheated) will put Iowa in the top 3 of the BCS--and that's before Texas forfeits their season on account of Colt McCoy being indicted on dogfighting charges.

Hey, why not, right?

The Big Ten Network Is Like Our Very Own Fox News And We Are Totally Okay With That

Oops Pow Surprise — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 05:31:06 -0000

More photos » by Charlie Neibergall - AP

Browse more photos »

You know what's nice about being the top team in the Big Ten? The fact that we've got our very own network, and that network is completely down with carrying our water, no questions asked.

Witness the BTN's Mike Hall, who just penned a spirited defense that--ahem--may, just may, cover some of the same ground as the UI's press release.from earlier this week. For example:

I think what matters is what you know, not what you think.

And that is why I know that Iowa is not getting the respect its deserves.

This is the great Pat Forde's latest column. He writes: "Seven teams (the six remaining FBS undefeateds and Oregon) deserve to be ranked ahead of (Iowa)." Pat is the best writer in college sports. But in this instance he is dead wrong.

He then goes through the four main schedule-based points, all of which are, admittedly, firmly in Iowa's favor. All that stuff about losing eight of the nine games this season, though? Losing to UNI, PSU, MSU, and Indiana in the 4th quarter? BAH! One karate slap away from irrelevance:

I know people are skeptical of Iowa because of their late escapes against decent or good opponents and slim wins over bad ones. But everybody has bad games. If you're unbeaten, I'm more concerned with your good wins than your bad ones. And are those good wins better than the other unbeatens'?

Everyone has bad games! Iowa just, y'know, always has them for at least two quarters per game. Problem solved.

Now, we don't think Mike Hall is a liar; far from it, he's talented at what he does and everything that he says in this article is true. It's just debatable whether he'd afford, say, Arizona State the same luxury if they were in Iowa's position and the Hawkeyes were putting together a season like Florida's.

Indeed, coverage without bias--complete objectivity--is a myth, and as long as a media organization stays away from out-and-out lies (it's not like Fox News says Obama drives spaceships and zaps churches, after all), then a little pro-base editorializing is not only inevitable, but preferable to the charade of abject objectivity. Plus, it's not like there isn't a mammoth conflict of interest between the BXI and BTN to begin with.

But hey, you know what? If it levels the playing field--or, at the very least, helps get the rest of the BXI on the "Iowa deserves this" message, so much the better, right? After all, when participation in the title game can come down to the kneejerk opinions of 60-odd coaches' assistants and the weird Skull-and-Bonesy "Harris Poll," political posturing is key, and having an entire media organization to do so is pretty enjoyable.

Does it make us feel dirty? Sure, but college football stopped being clean decades ago. Just carry that water and we can sort out the good feelings later.

[By the way, BHGP endorses no political views. Further, BHGP thinks your political views are stupid, inaccurate, and certain to lead to world destruction. If all you gathered from this article was that it's okay to talk about politics here, we will shoot you into the sun.

Off Topic: The Ft. Hood Shootings

Oops Pow Surprise — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 04:16:41 -0000

By now, we're sure the vast, vast majority of you have heard about the havoc and bloodshed this afternoon down at Fort Hood, where a very disturbed Army Major shot and killed 13 of his fellow soldiers, while wounding another 31.

One of the wounded is one of my longest acquaintances, someone whom I've known for as long as I can remember. The good news is that her injuries aren't life-threatening; she was shot straight through her lower left arm, and she awaits reconstructive surgery once the hospitals can handle her. Eventually, she'll be something approximating okay.

The bad news, of course, is that she--like over 40 of her fellow soldiers--was shot.

We'll skip the "this puts it all in perspective" bullshit; it's a tremendous insult of one's intelligence to think that they need a horrific mass murder to be reminded that sports aren't life. In case you couldn't tell, we don't take much of anything at BHGP very seriously. At all.

But when this, the most frightening and evil of human expressions happens (and hits so close to home), there are some things I can't help but feel and express. Apologies if this rambles or whatever, but I'm not trying to win a Pulitzer here.

I feel for the families of the dead whose grief is inestimable. I feel for the wounded and their families as well, whose lives may never be the same. I feel for the family of the gunman, who must have been mortified beyond belief. I feel for the Muslim members of this country who have never wanted to kill a soul but now have to catch shit for this. I feel for all the soldiers who were preparing for a third or fourth tour of duty, only to see this happen on their own base. I feel especially for those at the scene who were suffering from an undiagnosed case of PTSD, who are now likely plunged into an incomprehensible mental hell.

I also feel enormous anger and frustration that this would ever happen and that's impossible to definitively prevent from ever happening again. Regardless of your thoughts on warfare or the situations in Iraq and Afghanistan--rest assured, this is neither the time nor place for any of that in either direction--it's plainly obvious that something has gone very, very wrong here, and I hope whatever breakdown led to this mass killing never happens again.

Further, I hope the kneejerk solution isn't to assume all people--active military members included--are potential murderers unless proven otherwise, and I hope that such trust isn't abused like it was today.

And I sure hope my old friend ends up okay, physically and mentally.

That's all.

Iowa's Five Worst Upsets in All of History

Oops Pow Surprise — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 05:47:21 -0000

More photos » by Charlie Neibergall - AP

FILE -- This is a Sept. 27, 2008, file photo showing Iowa coach Kirk Ferentz looking on during the second half of an NCAA college football game against Northwestern, in Iowa City, Iowa. (AP Photo/Charlie Neibergall, File)

Browse more photos »

1. Northwestern 2008: jNWU 22, Iowa 17

This is the obvious choice for the worst loss in Iowa history, mainly because nobody could see it coming. Ricky Stanzi had the case of the turnoversies that he usually saves for cupcake opponents like A-State, Indiana, and jNWU.

But even with a expulsion-worthy helmet-to-helmet hit incapacitating Shonn Greene by Brad Phillips and Stanzi's full smorgasbord of new and creative changes of possession, Iowa still had a 1st and goal inside the jNWU 10-yard line with time running out. Alas, the four plays called failed--obviously because O'Keefe was O'Throwing the O'Football game--and Northwestern walked away with college football's most stunning upset of 2008.

Karma rewarded Northwestern when lowly Missouri ran them out of the stadium in the Alamo Bowl later that year, while Iowa cruised against the far superior South Carolina.

2. Northwestern 2005: jNWU 28, Iowa 27

The sight of Kyle Schlicher pushing the field goal that would have made the game 30-14 late in the 4th quarter haunts us to this day. What ensued was an epic meltdown, with Iowa giving up a quick touchdown, an onside kick, and another quick touchdown.

Did the pain end there? No no, friends; no no. Drew Tate got the Hawkeyes moving after the fatal touchdown and had the ball inside Northwestern territory with under 30 seconds to play; two passes bouncing off Herb Grigsby's hands later, we all tried to kill ourselves.

3. Northwestern 1999: jNWU 23, Iowa 21

Some people may think of this as not being much of an upset, being that 1999 Iowa was the school's single worst team in the past 35 years, and Northwestern didn't win until a touchdown on the game's final play. Well, yeah, that's why this is #3 on the list of worst Iowa upsets of all time and not #1.

4. Northwestern 1990: Iowa 56, jNWU 14

Just Northwestern fought gallantly for upwards of four minutes (real time, not game time; that'd be ridiculous). Alas, Iowa was much too tough, and God's Team prevailed again. No, the real upset here that we didn't hurt their boys too bad. That usually happens.

5. Tulsa 1996: Tulsa 27, Iowa 20

AAAAGH AAAAGH AAAAGH AAAAGH KILL THIS MEMORY DEAD WITH A FLAMETHROWER. But it's not as bad as only beating jNWU by 42. They're just Northwestern.

In Defense of Kirk Ferentz and the Dreaded Fact Sheet (With Some Help From an Old Friend)

Oops Pow Surprise — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 05:54:31 -0000

More photos » by Charlie Neibergall - AP

Kirk Ferentz, just preaching to the choir. (AP Photo/Charlie Neibergall)

Browse more photos »

Okay, okay, okay. We have to talk about this Jenni Carlson column--and, by proxy, don't we? Hlas wrote about it, but let's be honest; the Gazette is not exactly a rock of journalistic credibility. (/mgo'd)

First, the back story. Earlier this week, the Iowa athletic department issued a missive to media members decrying the latest lazy narrative that Iowa didn't deserve their spot in the BCS or national rankings. While most writers responded with a typical guffaw and "wow boy these Iowa guys sure are dumb for trying to tell me what to think," Ms. Carlson took a (slightly) different tack. As she says:

The headline on his e-mail: GET THE CORRECT FACTS ON IOWA FOOTBALL

I don’t know about you, but that seems pretty demanding to me. Haddy writes, "It seems popular for national pundits to criticize the University of Iowa football team these days. Many have said Iowa doesn’t belong on the same board with Florida, Texas, Alabama, Cincinnati, TCU, Oregon or Boise State."

I have to admit — I stopped reading right there.

It wasn’t because the e-mail was whiny, although it was. It wasn’t because I’m not interested in Iowa, because I am. (I can’t for the life of me figure out how they’re still undefeated.) No, I quit reading because the person who should’ve received that e-mail instead of me was Iowa coach Kirk Ferentz.

Just last week he said, "Realistically, I still have a hard time picturing us in the top 10."

Listen, if the coach of the team has a hard time believing that it belongs in the top 10, much less the national championship conversation, it’s going to be difficult for an e-mail from the PR office to sway me.

Strong words indeed.

Now, we could fisk her and point out the litany of logical errors in her column--like that it's not Kirk Ferentz's job to lobby in the media and that the coaches who do usually suck pretty hard at actual coaching--but we won't. We could also just plain call bullshit--like she doesn't care about Iowa since she's writing an entire post about our team--but we won't. We could even question her motive--perhaps what she really wants is the ability to publicly disagree with a prominent football coach of a team in the national spotlight instead of a faceless athletic department--but we won't.

Instead, we'll defer to an old friend of ours, who is a man, and of a certain age.

Welcome, of course, to Jenni Carlson's favorite coach in the whole world, Mike Gundy. Coach Gundy, anything to say?

THREE FOURTHS OF THIS IS INACARATE

--yeah, here we go.

WHERE ARE WE AT IN SOCIETY TODAY

. Um, wait. We haven't really started.

Okay.

So anyway, Coach Gundy, your thoughts on the notion that an athletic department and a coach can have divergent opinions on the quality of their team?

Aaaand the refusal to acknowledge Ferentz as the most conservative slow-player with the Big 10 press whose name doesn't rhyme with Schmaterno?

I was thinking we could use a folksy colloquialism like "he wouldn't call a nickel with a straight flush," but all right. Anything else you feel like saying about Coach Ferentz?

He... what? No he doesn't. I mean, like, he's respectful to the media and public, nobody's ever going to dispute that, but class? What class does Kirk Ferentz go to?

Garbidge class?

Actually, OPS, I'm just having a quick laugh to bring some levity to this situation. Obviously, when a football team finds itself #1 in the computer projections and #8 in national polls, there's a big gap between perception and data-based reality, and Phil Haddy probably never would have issued any public statement if he didn't have a coach like Ferentz--whose no-nonsense, football-first personality dictates seeing no value in engaging in the PR battle that dominates college football these days.

It seems like both the AD and the coach are doing their respective jobs, and Carlson's complaints don't seem like the type that would disappear if Ferentz took her advice--just complaints that would be replaced by other convenient complaints as the situation dictates. She's not the real problem here, the problem is a road date in Columbus that just about everyone in Iowa has been chalking up as a loss since the schedule came out.

Wow, Mr. Gundy. Anything else?

One more thing; although there may be too much nuance for the point to be well-taken, I feel like it needs to be said all the same.

Which is?

God, I walked straight into that one, didn't I?

I'M NOT A KID

Yeah, we're done here.

BHGP would like to thank Coach Gundy for nothing.