***Originally published at www.palhalpall.blogspot.com***

Yeah Yeah, the draft is approaching, big fucking whoop (who says big whoop anymore?). Nah, I lie, I'm so excited I can't get any work done (no, I don't consider writing this drivel work) - though my lack of productivity may also be due to the fact that it is a whopping 30 degrees up here in North Bay, 37 if you count the humidity. But mostly it's because of the ever so slowly approaching draft and the uncertainty over who will pick whom (is that the correct grammar?). Will the Leafs move up? Down? Side to side? Will they trade some of the expired yet still overly priced meat that currently occupies their roster (you know, like going to the grocery store and seeing last year's chicken thighs selling for $3.99/lb)? Will they trade the the holiest of holies, the unmoved mover Luke Schenn for a shot at John Tavares? Will they instead manage to acquire Brayden Schenn thereby creating the Joel and Ethan Coen of hockey (brilliant, prolific, and ever so slightly socially awkward)? Really, the possibilities are endless.

Of course, there is always the possibility of sublime disappointment; that somehow, perhaps by getting JFJ, Bill Waters or any of the GMs from the '80s (McNamara's '85 triumph notwithstanding) involved, the Leafs will completely fuck this up and find that tiny patch of rough amongst the diamonds (who will be 2009's Scott Pearson?). Of course, there are other ways to destroy the team for another five years this Friday night. Brian Burke, finding no possibility of moving up in the draft and trying not to notice the dirty looks being launched at him from the Islanders' and Oilers' tables, could end up losing his nerve and trading the 7th pick and recently acquired (as of Friday, of course) Jonas Gustavson to the Flyers for Daniel Briere and Daniel Carcillo. I admit that this scenario is a tad unlikely, but I've got a bad case of pessimism and it flares up from time to time when I'm talking about the Leafs and the future.

But Brian Burke is so charming that despite these occasional flare ups, my sphincter is gushing with excitement for Friday night (a different sort of flare up, I suppose). When Burke uses words like testosterone and truculence and expresses an interest in seeing the opposing team's trainer rushing onto the ice more often, how could any of us successfuly regulate the movement of our bowels? This is going to be one hell of a draft. In fact, my spirits will be so high on Friday evening that anything less than Burke somehow gaining all of the top five picks in the draft (without giving up Schenn the elder, of course) will leave a manure-like taste in my mouth (I know, I've got to stop with the fecal references). Luckily, right now I am slightly more clear-headed. So here, before the soundness of my judgement gets deteriorated by a steady barage of alcohol and anticipation, I will unveil what I think will happen at this year's draft.

Garth Snow will step to the podium and, while staring directly at Brian Burke who had just pulled off a colossal trade with Tampa for the second overall pick (Kaberle and next year's first rounder for Tampa's pick and some of their collosal contracts), will announce that despite the rumours he'd been spreading for the past couple of weeks, the Islanders will instead be selecting John Tavares first overall. Burke, pretending to nonchalantly walk up to the podium to announce their recently acquired second overall pick, sucker punches Garth Snow, grabs the microphone from Gary Bettman and whips it at John Tavares's knee, shattering his kneecap and effectively ending the phenom's career. Tavares, relieved that he no longer has to play for the Islanders, is helped off the podium while Colin Campell tries to assure everyone that both Snow and Tavares had it coming (didn't they?).

Burke, looking calm as ever, will call Matt Duchene to the podium, who dawns the Blue and White and poses for photographs while quivering with fear (I could've said crapping his pants, but I didn't). As Burke walks off the podium, he kicks Garth Snow's unconscious body in the ribs and heads back to the Leafs' table. The Avalanche and Thrashers come and go and select Victor Hedman and Evander Kane, respectively. Then, just before Dean Lombardi stands up to start making his way to the podium to select none other than Brayden Schenn, he feels his Blackberry vibrate. He looks at the screen and sees a message from Brian Burke: "I have a feeling you'll be taking Jared Cowen, and NOT Brayden Schenn ;)". Lombardi looks towards the Leafs table and sees Burke waving at him with a sinister smile pasted conspicuously on his face. Knees trembling, he walks up to the podium and with a barely discernable stutter, calls out Jared Cowen. As Lombardi walks nervously back to a table full of flabergasted LA scouts, Burke calls Jerry Moyes and in a whispery, anonymous voice, tells him that Magnus Svenson-Paajarvi (fuck the umlots) has very wealthy parents who intend to purchase whichever team that ends up drafting their son no matter what the cost. Moyes immediately calls Don Maloney and instructs him to draft ctrl-v instead of Brayden Schenn, who to almost everyone's surprise is still available. Maloney does as he is told, leaving Burke and the Maple Leafs with Matt Duchene and Brayden Schenn. Not a bad draft, if you ask me. During an interview some time later (I'd give him five minutes), Burke confesses that it was Matt Duchene he wanted all along.

If you're like me (a woefully depressed Leaf fan), all season long you've been trying to come up with legitimate reasons to hate the Wings and cheer against them no matter who they're playing.  During the regular season, I was trying to convince myself that they were a soft team whose success would further legitimate the anti-fighting crusade.  But though the Wings don't fight much, anyone whose watches them knows they won't shy away from a fight, and can hold their own with anyone; their low fighting total is a reflection of their refusal to instigate.  So I ended up having to begrudgingly concede respect to the Wings on that file.

Then I convinced myself that this was a boring team that is too systematic.  They're the Deep Blue of hockey, and man cannot love a machine.  But again, when you watch them, you realize that this characterization is not completely accurate.  Yes, they have a system and the make few mistakes, but they are also an incredibly fast and highly skilled team that can be a real treat to watch.  Watching them control the puck while making the opposing team look like misplaced pylons both infuriates and dazzles me.  And on top of that, I just love watching Holmstrom battle it out with defenders in front of the net - there aren't enough fierce battles for position in today's NHL (not the 'New' NHL Gary!!!!).

But what about their fans?  How can you cheer for a team that has consistently been the best yet still can barely sell out in the playoffs?  Every time I'd spot an empty seat at the Joe I'd rub my hands together and bask in my superiority.  Hockeytown indeed!  But when you do the old stop'n'think, you realize that the whole attendance in Detroit thing has been blown out of proportion.  It was a bigger deal last year when Red Wings management, in an uncharacteristically moronic move, raised the price of tickets significantly despite the fact that the city was rapidly turning into a ghost town.  This year, in the playoffs at least, their attendance seems to be just fine.  In fact, they've got an incredibly enthusiastic crowd who have enough dignity to stay away from nauseating gimmickry like 'whiteouts' and 'redouts'.

Okay, so they're not an altogether detestable team.  They're not my dream team, but certainly likeable - more likeable, perhaps, than even Pittsburgh.  And yet, I absolutely despise them.  And the reason I despise them is the same reason you are hoping, if not openly then certainly deep down inside, that the Red Wings fall flat on their faces and slink out of Joe Louis Arena with their tails between their legs.  And why's that?   Because if the Red Wings win the cup tonight, their franchise total for cup wins will be 12.  The franchise total of the Toronto Maple Leafs is 13.  We Leaf fans may not have much, but being fans of the second most winning franchise in NHL history despite a horrendous drought is a feather none of us wants yanked out of our cap.  You can deny it all you want, but you know it's true.  In fact, I propose that instead of talking about ending the drought, Leaf fans should talk about geting to 14 and staying ahead of the dreaded Red Wings.  If that's not motivation, I don't know what is.  For now, go Pens go.

***Originally posted at www.palhalpall.blogspot.com***

Peter Zezel's death got many of us thinking about the Toronto Maple Leafs of the early nineties. In my case, this inevitably led to a flood of memories of Maple Leaf Gardens. As far as I can remember, I have been to the Gardens twelve times, always for the Leafs, and have been lucky enough to see some pretty amazing moments, as well as a whole bunch of completely forgettable ones. But no matter what, the building was always and still is beautiful, and even if the Leafs got blown out, which was often the case, you still got your money's worth because you got to sit for 3 hours in what to many hockey fans is the most wonderful built environment in the entire country.

My First Game
Believe it or not, I could not remember exactly what year or how old I was when I went to my first ever game at Maple Leaf Gardens. Luckily, I remembered the score and the opponent, so I looked it up on www.databasehockey.com, and lo and behold, it was the 1990-91 season, November 3 to be exact, which means I was all of 7 years old. And in case you couldn't guess, the Leafs lost to the Calgary Flames big time, 7-3.

Now this was not actually my first ever hockey game, as I had been with my dad and brother to two Newmarket Saints games the year before (I think), one of which saw the Saints play the Sherbrooke Canadiens and tie them 5-5 (or beat them 6-4, meaning 5-5 was the score in the other game I saw in which the Saints' opponent escapes my memory). But that first game at Maple Leaf Gardens was my first big league experience. Again, I was with my dad and older brother. We didn't arrive until around half way through the first, and by the time we nestled into our seats in the greens, the Leafs were already down 2-1. The memory that stands out most is Daniel Marois (I think) scoring a meaningless goal with about 7 seconds left in the game. In fact, aside from actually entering the Gardens for the first time (which I don't have to tell you was a thrill), it's pretty well all that I remember clearly.

February 15, 1992: Jets 3, Leafs 1
This was my first ever Saturday night game, and it was a much better experience. We arrived in time for the warm up, which was a lot of fun, but what struck me for the first time (which somehow eluded me the year before) was just how bright and colourful the arena was. We were sitting in the golds this time, just inside the Leafs blueline on the penalty box side. What I remember most was that we were sitting right beside one of the TV cameras, and the cameraman would point the camera at me during the commercials so I could pretend I was being broadcast. Aside from that, I don't remember any specifics about the game, including who scored for the Leafs. Does anyone?

May 17, 1995: Game 6, First round, Leafs def. Chi 5-4 in Overtime
I don't remember the exact circumstances; all I remember about this day is that it was the day Leaf playoff tickets went on sale, at 8 am perhaps. I remember reading about this in the paper, and begging my dad to get on Ticketmaster's website - no, wait, to call them - and see if maybe, just maybe, we'd be able to score a pair to a Leafs playoff game. My dad got on the horn, waited with it clenched to his ear as the sound of my beating heart drowned out the noise of the world, until he was informed that there was one pair left for game 6, in the second or third last row of the corner greys where the Leafs shoot twice. We snatched them up, and I instantly became the most excited little shit on the planet. Of course, there was no guarantee it would even go to a sixth game, and when the Leafs won the first two in Chicago, I got a little worried, and perhaps could have been accused of secretly hoping the Leafs would lose two of the next three; so feel free to blame me for what ended up actually happening.

The Leafs ended up losing the next three, and were on the brink of elimination when we settled into one of the worst pairs of seats at Maple Leaf Gardens, which of course means I had a fantastic view of the entire ice while still being close enough to hear some of the on ice banter, when the noise of the crowd would allow it. I couldn't sleep the night before, and couldn't think about anything else all day at school. And when I was finally in my seat, I was both nervous and ecstatic. And naturally, I would look frequently up at the scoreboard with trepidation as each second ticked away, ushering me closer and closer to life outside of Maple Leaf Gardens; but this was an experience common to any game I'd see at MLG thereafter - I'm sure many of you who have attended games know the feeling of looking up at the scoreboard and thinking "What, the first is over already, it only just started! Games were never long enough at the Gardens.

I'm sure most of you remember how the game unfolded. The Leafs, as I recall, took a commanding 4-1 lead, and the crowd was louder than anything I'd ever heard. I think Keenan pulled Belfour, and after the Hawks scored a couple, put him back in. Inevitably, the Hawks tied it, which gave me that strange dichotomy of sensations: horror that I was about to watch the Leafs get eliminated in the FIRST ROUND of the playoffs, and almost unbearable excitement about being present at an NHL playoff overtime game. And then it happened; the buzzer sounded, and we were headed to sudden death.

Luckily, or unfortunately, the overtime period didn't last too long. All I remember from seeing it live - I didn't see a replay until the next year when I bought Rock 'Em Sock 'Em 7 - was the incomparable Randy Wood dragging the puck around the net and just firing it at Eddy Belfour. Everyone in the entire arena stood up as the puck fluttered towards The Eagle, and so my eleven year-old eyes couldn't see even an inch of ice. But it didn't matter; I never saw the puck cross the line, but I was screaming my head off as loud as anyone anyhow. This was truly one of the most thrilling experiences of my childhood days.

The goal itself, as I would later learn, was actually a pretty weak one. But at the time, it was the most beautiful goal I had never seen (Incidentally, I was going to write a blog about some of the moments I couldn't find on YouTube until Down Goes Brown fixed that for me - Wendel Clark's return home was at the top of the list. Now, Randy Wood's O.T. goal is what I want to see, so if anyone knows of a way to view it, please let me know). Of course, there was one last minor thrill in store for me; as we were making our way to the front exit of Maple Leaf Gardens, we passed one of the corridors to the gold section, around which stood a large crowd. I peered in, and there was Felix Potvin being interviewed by CBC (who would have been interviewing him back then?). We watched for about half a minute and then moved along. As the crowd spilled out onto Carlton Street, everyone continued to whoop it up. When we got home, my body was numb with excitement. Unfortunately, game 7 turned out to be the perfect anticlimax.

From that point on, my one wish in life was to get seasons tickets for the Toronto Maple Leafs. And while this predictably has never come to pass, I was lucky enough to see several more games at Toronto's most beautiful landmark and one of the last great hockey arenas, a place that still gives me chills whenever I am in its general area. I shall share some more memories in the near future; please share with me some of yours.

Initially published on may 7 at palhalpall.blogspot.com

Hockey fans throughout the country and particularly in Southern Ontario are currently salivating over the prospect of the Phoenix Coyotes moving to Southern Ontario. As such, the reaction to the latest ploy by Jim Balsillie to wrest a team away from Gary Bettman and the sunbelt has for the most part been positive. This is not surprising, as the world's most unsatisfied hockey market has for too long wanted for leadership and is delirious about finally having a champion. Of course, there remains a delusional faction of naysayers who insist that Jim Balsillie is assing things up or worse, that it would be folly for the NHL to give up on Bettman's ambition of popularizing a winter sport in a geographic region that for all intents and purposes doesn't have a winter (incidentally, I'm thinking of opening up a surfboard store in Iqaluit - anyone want to invest?).

As such, I would like to address all of the skepticism that is accompanying the excitement about a potential seventh NHL team in Canada. Let's start with the easy stuff. A certain thick-skulled columnist has questioned the premise that Gary's blueprint is indeed a failure and that a second NHL franchise would necessarily succeed in Southern Ontario. In his poorly written column, Damien Cox trots out the standard defense of Bettman's and the NHL's position before offering two uninspired recommendations: "The sensible approach, then, is for the NHL to do two things. First, try and fix the Coyotes by putting quality ownership in place. Second, establish a blue-ribbon committee to examine the viability of a second team in southern Ontario." Yeah, I'm also trying to figure out how it is that someone is getting paid to come up with this stuff.

Let's humour Damien by actually taking the time to refute his brilliant suggestions. First, the NHL has never demonstrated an ability to seek out quality ownership. This is not surprising, for why would anyone who isn't either a fool or a crook invest hundreds of millions of dollars in a hockey team in the desert, especially one that is already drowning in debt? Also, even if you could find quality ownership - and a definition of 'quality ownership' would be handy - and convince it to take on this mess, what could they possibly do? Is there some measure that could be taken to turn the Coyotes into a successful, profitable NHL franchise? Even the best seafarer in the world couldn't unsink the Titanic.

Second, the viability of Southern Ontario as a market for another team has been proven by the season-ticket sales of the Hamilton Predators along with the fact that this story is garnering more headlines and discussion than anything else in the entire province. Establishing a committee would only waste time, money, and people's patience. This is the kind of suggestion you get from people who can't come up with original ideas but still want to have an impact on the process. As for Damien, he's just trying to stay relevant in an increasingly overpopulated community of professional and amateur hockey analysts, most of whom are smarter than he is.

Then there are those who want Balsillie to bring a team to Southern Ontario, but think he's going about it the wrong way. These people accuse him of acting like a spoiled brat who is too arrogant to play by the supposed rules of becoming an NHL owner; that he is merely banging his head against a brick wall in a stubborn attempt to knock it down; that he is simply rehashing his failed strategy to buy the Predators and that what he ought to be doing is trying to make nice with Bettman and the board.

What these people don't realize is that this latest move is not some mindless, whimsical attempt to nab a franchise while Bettman's back is turned; this is in fact a calculated play by both Balsillie and current Coyotes owner Jerry Moyes to handcuff Bettman by throwing the matter into the lap of a bankruptcy judge. And I must say, it is absolutely brilliant. Moyes is willing to play ball with Balsillie because unlike Craig Leopold, Bettman has nothing to offer him; there is no incentive for Moyes, a guy who just wants to get the hell out of the NHL, to heed the league's insistence that he not deal with Balsillie. Furthermore, any impartial judge would see that it makes perfect economic sense to sell a heavily indebted business to someone with deep pockets and a sound plan to turn the enterprise into a financial success and so would most certainly rule against the league. The only chance the league has is if they can convince the judge that Moyes's bankruptcy claim is illigitimate, and while I'm no expert, that seems to me like a longshot.

This could be a turning point in the history of the National Hockey League. Jim Balsillie is not just trying to buy a team and move it back to Canada; he is taking on an NHL establishment that virtually everyone agrees has lost its way but that nobody else seems willing to do anything about. It may offend some that he is an outsider trying to change something to which he does not belong and to do so on his terms, but the insiders have had more than enough time to act and have failed to do so. Let's hope Balsillie succeeds, for he is the only one that has shown the willingness to challenge Gary Bettman's tyrannical and destructive authority.

PalHalPall - The world of hockey as seen through the eyes of a crochety Leaf fan

A couple of weeks ago I had a dream that they had opened up Maple Leaf Gardens for one last game and magically, I found myself in attendance. Naturally, the game was between the Leafs and the Habs, and the crowd was buzzing. I don't remember the details of the game too well, not because it was a dream and dreams are notoriously hard to pin down, but because all I could do was stand there in awe of such a wonderful old building. Then I woke up and experienced something pretty well every Leaf fan is familiar with: a mental image of the Air Canada Centre accompanied by gut-wrenching depression.

Our first reaction during one of these moments is to think about how wonderful it would be if the Leafs still played at the corner of Carlton and Church, where a retired old hockey shrine sits like a lonely man on a park bench. My own reverie is a testament to how often I think about that myself. But instead of dreaming up ways for the Leafs to keep playing at the Gardens, which we have all done from time to time, why not instead turn our attention to the Leafs' current home, the Air Canada Centre? For just because the Gardens is gone, does not mean the ACC could not be a great building in its own right. The fact that it absolutely sucks is characteristic of an age in which style and character have no place. Sure, we'll preserve old buildings if they haven't fallen over yet, but god forbid anything new should be unique and wonderful.

Unfortunately, our tendency towards nostalgic thoughts about Maple Leaf Gardens and other bygone structures is allowing us to simply accept the lack of style and character of new buildings like the ACC and SkyDome. We have been convinced that only old places can give you that tingly, otherworldly feeling when you step within their walls, a feeling that convinces you that the inanimate structure actually has a soul. It's a myth: the Air Canada Centre, and every other relatively new sporting venue can and ought to be infused with style and character, and here is a list of things that I will do to make it so when I am owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs. Feel free to nail it to the door of the ACC on my behalf.

My plans for the ACC, as well as other additional material, can be seen at http://palhalpall.blogspot.com/2009/05/forget-maple-leaf-gardens-lets-fix-acc.html

***Originally published at palhalpall.blogspot.com***

According to a report in The Toronto Star, Jim Balsillie, the icon of the Canadian corporate world and Lonestar to Gary Bettman's Dark Helmet, is making another aggressive bid to bring an NHL team to Southern Ontario and in so doing bring everlasting peace to the world. This time, the damsel in distress is the hapless Phoenix Coyotes, a team as likely to become economically viable as the Leafs are to cutting ticket prices in half and declaring the platinum lounge open to the average millionaires in the gold section.

Your first thought might be that Gary Bettman will certainly do everything in his power to prevent this from happening, thus preventing you from getting excited. After all, it was Bettman who convinced one time owner of the Nashville Predators Craig Leopold not to sell the storied Tennessee team to Jim Balsillie and instead accept a much lesser offer from someone else. But there are a few differences here. For one, there most certainly aren't going to be any other offers this time around. Secondly, Balsillie is offering $212.5 million. This is significantly more than the estimated market value of the team which Forbes recently pegged at a McDonald's cup of coffee and a smile. But even more significantly, not only did the current ownership seek out an offer from Balsillie, who is also offering about $17 million in bridge financing - you know, so the repo man doesn't show up and confiscate Wayne Gretzky's whistle - but according to Hockey Night in Canada, the Coyotes are filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy in order to move this along as quickly as possible.

It is unclear to me whether this means the Coyotes will be playing out of Copps Coliseum this October, but what seems logical is that if this goes through, it should mean Gary Bettman is done as Supreme Overlord of the NHL. For if an NHL governor has indeed actively sought out the one man that so vexes Bettman, there can be no clearer sign to the rest of the NHL governors and to the public at large that the commish has lost control of the league; that he has let external economic pressure undermine the stability of the hockey markets that were established on his watch; and that his strategy of selling hockey in non-traditional markets has been an unremitted failure.

With such sad realities being made so starkly obvious, with everything that Bettman's critics have been saying coming to fruition, how can he possibly continue to run this league? Gary Bettman's bosses now have no choice but to ride this guy out of town on a rail and bring someone in who will make the changes that desperately need to be made. These changes include but are not limited to: rescuing teams from hopeless markets - which at best would entail contraction to no more than 24 teams, but would at the very least mean a mass migration north; ensuring that any new hockey markets, should they be absolutely necessary, are either in Canada or somewhere with a demonstrated ability to support professional hockey; and an explicit renouncement of the strategy of making the NHL more palatable or familiar to the American audience. The latter could include things like going back to having names for divisions and conferences, getting rid of three-point games, and perhaps even a return to the one-referee system. As a bonus, a new NHL bilaw should make use of the expressions "sell the game/sport" and "grow the game/sport" illegal and punishable by a year sharing a bachelor apartment with Pierre McGuire.

This could be an opportunity for the NHL to have real inspired leadership for the first time in decades, if not ever. I do not begrudge Bettman for having an ambitious vision for the NHL and agressively pursuing it, but Bettman's tragic flaw has been his inability to realize that his pursuit has for some time been doomed to failure, and his being too stubborn to adopt a new approach when one has been desparately needed. As a result, Bettman has, in the opinion of many hockey fans, all but ruined the league. If Balsillie succeeds, you've got to believe that Bettman's fate is sealed, and hopefully we will be able to right this ship

Follow me on twitter at http://twitter.com/PalHalPall

Note: The top 3 in my list of 10 reasons to love the playoffs will only be published on palhalpall.blogspot.com

5) Goofy playoff traditions

There are several hockey playoff traditions that we all know and love: playoff beards, series-ending handshakes, not touching the conference championship trophy, etc. You can even count the more recent tradition of teams throwing games against the Sharks throughout the regular season to set them up for a playoff upset - kind of like making the biggest dork in school feel like he's cool and popular until the prom, where you strip him naked and beat him like a pinata while he cries and wets himself.

These traditions are all quirky and funny and actually add some character to the game of hockey. As such, you can bet there is a faction out there that's lobbying to abandon them at the earliest opportunity. Their reasoning would most certainly be that "other league's don't do it, and if baseball fans tune in and see something they're not used to, it will confuse them and scare them away". In fact on April 12, Steve Simmons actually suggested that playoff beards should be outlawed because the players aren't pretty enough to "sell the game" (ugh). Perhaps we need a new playoff tradition: ballgagging these dimwits for the greater good of the game.

4) More games on Hockey Night in Canada

As we all know, HNiC does one game per week during the regular season, leaving the rest to Sportsnet, TSN, and for Leaf fans, LeafsTV. And while the former two do an admirable job (LeafsTV is bloody awful and does nothing but make me hate myself even more for being a Leaf fan), HNiC is indesputably the best game in town.

Of course, like too many things about hockey, HNiC used to be even better. Over the years, we've lost Harry Neale and gained the nothing-special Greg Millen and the very good but a little too serious Craig Simpson, and we've seen Jim Hughson replace the immortal Bob Cole as the CBC's ace hockey broadcaster. Hughson's very good at his job, there's no denying that, but he can also be kind of annoying, his delivery is not as smooth as Mr. Cole's, and he's been around long enough that he can ditch the California surfer look and start aging with dignity already.

On the plus side, Don Cherry and Mike Milbury add tons of personality to the show, Ron Maclean is simply the best host in the business, and P.J. Stock routinely makes us feel smarter. And while they take a lot of heat for being almost completely pro-fighitng, such criticism cannot be taken seriously given how staunchly anti-fighting pretty well everyone in the print media and on the radio currently is.

Unfortunately it's not all good news: we still have to endure way too much of TSN's goldenboy Pierre McGuire during the postseason. Is there anyone more irritating in broadcasting aside from maybe Chico Resh? Sure, McGuire knows hockey, I'll begrudgingly give him that, but he has way too many flaws as a broadcaster. For one, he talks far too much. Maybe it's because he's American or is used to doing American broadcasts, but he seems to think the audience is relying on his insight to understand the fundamentals of the game. Also, he talks too loud. A good colour commentator should be the yin to the play-by-play man's yang: quiet, even-tempered, slightly detached, and in posession of a dry wit. Harry Neale had it down pat, but McGuire talks a mile a minute, screams things like "Wow!" or "That's a penalty!" as if trying to prove that he's on top of things, and too much of what he says is just filler. He's also really awkward when he's trying to be funny or personable, as you will see at 1:50 of the following clip:

To see clip, go to http://palhalpall.blogspot.com/2009/05/top-10-reasons-to-love-playoffs-5-4.html


So let's hope the Minnesota Wild hire this guy as their GM and make TSN broadcasts a little more watchable. And while we're on the subject, there are several other things TSN should change. For one, they can stop overplaying the HNiC theme song. It's nice for them that they've got it, but I don't have to hear it 500 times per broadcast: it loses it's charm that way. Also, they've got to stop being cute with their camera angles, particularly the endzone one they use during power plays: it makes me dizzy and adds nothing.

Let's get right to it.

7)You don't have to hear some portly schmuck scream 'holy mackinaw!' every five seconds

Joe Bowen, as you all know, is the so-called voice of the leafs. He's also incredibly annoying (much like the other 'voice of the leafs' Andy Frost). Happily, even when the Leafs are in the playoffs, he does not do the games - unless you're unfortunate enough to have to catch the games on radio - so when the second season comes around, we are spared his Santa Clause-esque broadcasts.

Now Joe Bowen hasn't always been annoying. In fact, he was probably at one time one of the top play by play men in the game. But like many prominent figures, Bowen has become a mere caricature of himself. Bowen was always had an exciting style, but at one time he'd only bust out the Bowenisms - mainly 'holy mackinaw' - after such an exciting play that you might actually believe the exclamation was genuinely spontaneous. And it was even kind of cute and novel back then. But as the catch phrase grew in popularity, even for a time being played over the P.A. when the Leafs would score - Bowen got way too caught up in it too the point that nowadays he screams it at every available opportunity. Because of it, he's become almost unwatchable - or maybe that's just the Leafs.

Another thing that I find kind of annoying about Bowen, while we're on the subject, is the way he chuckles uncontrollably after anything that is even slightly unordinary happens: a stick breaking on a wrist shot is good for about 45 seconds of chuckling, a goalie slipping and falling behind the net is good for about a minute, and Lee Stempniak making physical contact with an opposing player, if it ever happens, will probably set him off for a couple of weeks. I've got nothing against a bit of levity, but please, Mr. Bowen, try and get a grip.

And just a quick question about Paul Hendrick: can someone tell me why this guy has a job? His interviews are brutal, his voice is annoying, and when he's pulling ice level commentating duty, his contributions are even more superfluous than Pierre McGuire's. Seems like a nice guy though.

6)Marginally better officiating

If I was writing this 5-10 years ago, I wouldn't have to use the qualifier 'marginally'. But the efforts of the NHL to suck the personality out of officiating have been so effective, that the once signficant difference between regular season and playoff officiating has become almost negligible. Nevertheless, there is still a bit of difference, and it does make the games more interesting.

We do still get a lot of those chincey hooking and holding calls, but I have seen games these playoffs that went long stretches without a penalty, though by the current standards one perhaps ought to have been called. There's nothing like watching hockey where the referees just let them play. That being said, I realize that the whole clutching and grabbing thing is a legitimate issue and eventually the players are going to have to cut it out completely. But I can't stand '2 minutes for having your stick brush up against the side of another player'. Games shouldn't be decided by something like that.

***Check out palhalpall.blogspot.com for this other material***

This list is becoming a bit of a nuisance, and if you're reading this at all, you're probably as eager for me to get it over with as I am. Well, bear with me, and I'll do my best to wrap it up quickly. What's really bothering me about it is that I can't wait until I get to write the one that goes on and on about how much I hate Pierre McGuire, but I don't want to waste a low pick on it. It's starting to seem like this list is more about things that I hate than anything positive. I guess the title is a bit misleading. And on that note, on to #8.

8) We no longer have to look at the Leafs' brutal uniform
Remember when the league switched to those revolutionary new jerseys and a bunch of teams saw it as a chance to rip off the more easily suggestible of their fans by changing their uniforms and/or logos? Obviously the Leafs, who wrote the book on ripping off fans, were going to get in on that. And instead of going big and doing something really interesting and cool with the uniform - such as adopting the throwback third jersey as the permanent design - they decided to go with the safer, more subtle approach. But they even managed to screw that up.

During his tenure, John Ferguson Jr. must have set a record for the amount of ways you can fuck up an organization. At least when Cliff Fletcher and Pat Quinn were trading away the club's future, they were icing decent to amazing teams that at times threatened to compete for the cup. JFJ managed to cripple the leafs for the future while at the same time building a team that made us sorry Leaf fans even more ashamed of ourselves. And to add insult to idiocy, he completely sucked the life out of our noble sweater by taking the two stripes out of the bottom and leaving the shoulders completely bare.

When the jerseys were first unveiled, it didn't really seem like such a big deal. Yeah, they were a little more boring, but essentially they were the same. But as I am sure you have noticed over the past three years, those stripes were damn important. I'm not a stylist and so I can't really explain it, but the fact is that without the stripe and the shoulder crest, the whole getup looks exactly like the team that wears it: meek and uninspiring - especially the home... away... the blue one, that with the matching blue pants and socks, made the players look like they were wearing coveralls. Have a look and tell me who you think looks tougher, cooler, amazinger:



or,



Exactly. And yes, I'm aware that the Leafs' jersey has had subtle change thrust upon it several times in the past 15 years, and no, I've never been in favour of it. If you ask me, the modern version of the jersey was at its best the way it looked when it was draped over the heroic shoulders of Dougie, Wendel, and Felix. I guess once they got rid of those players, the ones they had left weren't worthy. Either way, if Brian Burke is half as brilliant as Damien Cox goes out of his way to say he is so he can prove to everyone that he can be positive about a guy who unashamedly loves fighting while simultaneously making ordinary fans who like fisticuffs out to be a bunch of ignorant yokels, then he'll do something about this immediately. For too many reasons, this team is too hard to watch.