Ah, Memorial Day weekend. The unofficial start of summer. Three days to catch up on yard work, fire up the grill, kill a bear, maybe play some golf, build that treehouse that your kids have been --

Wait, what?

Yes, that's right. While you were slow roasting brisket and working on your tan, Iowa starting quarterback James Vandenberg was killing a bear with a bow and arrow.

"I'm going to name him James Vandenbear!"

The photo comes courtesy of @mbenson6* and Hawkeye Lounge commenter jon_cocktoasten**, and yes, that is James Vandenberg with a bear he killed with a pointy stick, a curvy stick, and a really tight piece of twine. Vandenberg is an avid outdoorsman and had previously mentioned he was going to spend the few weeks between finals and the beginning of summer workouts going bear hunting. Presumably, Ken O'Keefe took the picture.

Ricky Stanzi did "Love it or leave it" and got an awesome tattoo and could have probably made a cameo appearance in a K-pop video, but James Vandenberg KILLED A BEAR WITH A BOW AND ARROW LIKE HE WAS IN DANCES WITH WOLVES. Vandenberg's ability to lead this team to ten wins is still in question, but with this, his ability to win the internet is no longer in doubt.

----------------------------

* Two hundred people immediately tweeted a version of the "Can't believe the arrow didn't bounce in front of the bear" joke.

** Only at Hawkeye Lounge could someone post something this awesome and have the next three posts call for his immediate banning.

So if I move this guy over here...
/draws squiggly line
...and the guy with the ball runs this way...
/draws a circle
knock knock
...BINGO! THAT'S A WINNER!
/creaks open
Excuse me, Tim?
Athletic director Mike Thomas!!! What a pleasant surprise!!
Yes, good to see you too, Tim. What are you up to today?
Oh, just drawing up some new offensive plays! Gotta resurrect Illini football somehow!
/looks over play
Well, Tim, I don't mean to step on your toes here, but I don't think that play is going to work.
Really? Why do you say that?
For one, it looks like you just have a halfback running in small circles around your quarterback. Also, there are three players in motion at once, a forward pass attempted ten yards past the line of scrimmage, and thirteen players on the field.
Well, I'm just tryin' to shake things up!!! Get people excited!!!
In fact, if I didn't know better, I would think you knew nothing at all about the basic rules and strategy of the game of football! Ha!
...um...yeah. That's a good joke, boss!!! Illini football fever!!!
I'm not here to argue X's and O's with you, Coach. You obviously know what you're doing there. I'm here to talk about something else, though.
Tim, we have to talk about your Twitter account.

Continue reading this post »

If you've been living under a rock for the last week, you might have missed that Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany waived the white flag on his push for on-campus playoff games. Gone are the thoughts of tanned-ass Southerners playing football in the Rust Belt in December. Gone is the most significant imaginable competitive advantage for Big Ten teams in the new playoff system. If Delany is to be believed, they've been thrown over the side to protect the sanctity of the Rose Bowl:

"While we understand that the games on campus could benefit us competitively - it's not like I don't like the competitive advantage (aided) by home field - but in a larger sense, we think the slope is far less slippery within the bowl system than it is outside the bowl system," Delany said Tuesday.

"We think that the Rose Bowl, the Orange Bowl, the Sugar Bowl, the Fiesta and other bowls are aided and helped by a process where 1-4 is inside the bowl system rather than outside."

This has been met with widespread derision from Big Ten proponents and ridicule from everyone else, and with good reason: Jim Delany, perpetual protector of the Sacred Shrine of the Rose, had again let his -- and his conference's -- propensity for hyperconservatism and reverence to history get in the way of true progress that would immediately benefit his teams. It was, on its face, a horrendous decision.

In the most-cited piece criticizing the decision, Yahoo's Dan Wetzel -- who hates the Big Ten, Delany, and everything else related to the BCS -- called Delany a lunatic:

Other than loving the Rose Bowl there isn't a single reason for the Big Ten to support this plan. Of course, what they love is what the Rose Bowl was (Big Ten champ vs. Pac-10 champ), which is not what it is or certainly will be. This is a playoff blueprint in sepia tones.

It's lunacy.

AnnArbor.com's Kyle Meinke asked if Delany is crazy:

When it comes to intercollegiate athletics, Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany is smarter than the rest of us. That's an assumption he's afforded after two decades of keeping the league at the fore, through seismic shifts such as conference expansion and TV deals.

But with all due respect, sir: Have you lost your mind?

Stewart Mandel of Sports Illustrated asked the same questions:

Over the past two decades, Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany has established himself as the shrewdest executive in college sports. From spearheading the addition of Penn State as the conference's 11th member to brokering the Rose Bowl's integration into the BCS to continually landing the nation's most lucrative television and bowl lineups, Delany has made sure his 111-year-old conference is consistently at the front of the pack when it comes to changes in the collegiate landscape.

However, some bizarre, recent comments by the 58-year-old commissioner have brought up an obvious question: Has Delany lost his marbles?

The talking heads have spoken, and it's clear that...

Wait, I'm just receiving word that the Mandel quote was truncated:

However, as the launch date draws near for Delany's latest and boldest venture to date -- a national cable network devoted exclusively to Big Ten sports -- some bizarre, recent comments by the 58-year-old commissioner have brought up an obvious question: Has Delany lost his marbles?

No, this is not the first time that the college football intelligencia has questioned Delany's public statements regarding a new venture were completely batshit insane. Such complaints have gone back to at least summer 2007, when the national media piled on Delany for another of his horrible ideas, the bungled disaster that was to be the Big Ten Network. Delany outsmarted all of us then, and he did it again a couple of summers ago as Expansionpalooza was in full swing. And, given events late last week, Delany might well be on the verge of doing it one more time with the college football playoff.

Continue reading this post »

Assume the Position is our offseason guide to the Iowa Hawkeyes football depth chart. The math is difficult, so take it from us: As time moves on, we'll know more. That's why we rank the positions from most certain to least certain.

Previously on ATP2k12:

1. Quarterback
2. Cornerback

Today: Tight End

The Crown Prince of Prussia

C.J. Fiedorowicz (#86, Junior, 6'7", 265, Johnsburg (IL) HS)

He's only been here a couple of years, but I feel like we've been writing about C.J. Fiedorowicz's potential since the day we started. Now, finally, the Polish Hat takes the crown.

Fiedorowicz was the jewel of the 2010 Iowa recruiting class, a four-star genetic freak of a tight end who played seven different positions in high school and was enough of a talent to draw offers from programs that don't even use tight ends. He initially committed to one of them -- Ron Zook's Illinois -- before switching to Iowa. Since then, he shrugged off a redshirt, blew people up on special teams as a true freshman, won the second-string tight end spot for his sophomore year, left the initial starter -- a four-year letterman -- in the dust, caught sixteen passes for 167 yards and a handful of touchdowns (including a touchdown in Iowa's bowl loss), and drew rave reviews from his new offensive coordinator. Not a bad two years.

For 2012, Fiedorowicz is probably Iowa's most potent offensive weapon. He's too big for defensive backs, too fast for linebackers, and too tall for just about everyone. He can be lined up at the end of the offensive line, in the slot, or even split wide. His time last season at second-string tight end -- a role that places the utmost emphasis on blocking and little else -- squelched any rumors of his insufficient blocking ability. He's everything he needs to be, and there's nobody else that matches his ability, tight end or otherwise. He's no longer just the Polish Hat. No, Fiedorowicz is the building block for the entire offense.

Continue reading this post »

Assume the Position is our offseason guide to the Iowa Hawkeyes football depth chart. The math is difficult, so take it from us: As time moves on, we'll know more. That's why we rank the positions from most certain to least certain.

Previously on ATP2k12:
1. Quarterback

Today: Cornerback

Iowa doesn't recruit top-flight cornerbacks; the Hawkeyes haven't landed a consensus four-star defensive back since Jordan Bernstine and Diaunte Morrow signed on in 2007. Despite that fact, Iowa has had three cornerbacks drafted in the last four drafts, with a tried-and-true formula: One to two years in the second corner role, then a year or two as the top guy. The two cornerbacks destined to start 2012 at the top of the depth chart were lightly-regarded Ohio-based recruits, and yet a 2013 NFL Draft pick is a near mortal lock.

The Science Project

Micah Hyde (#18, Senior, 6'1", 190, Fostoria (OH) HS)

Somehow, with little fanfare, Micah Hyde has become arguably the most important player on the Iowa defense and an agent of a fundamental change in Iowa's defensive philosophy. That he's done that while changing positions twice, becoming the defense's most obvious playmaker, and returning punts only reiterates how important he has become.

Hyde came to Iowa as a completely unheralded two-star quarterback/athlete from a school big enough to put him on the radar of the Big Ten's heavyweights (Fostoria plays in the Northern Buckeye Conference, of course) who had never played cornerback before. Iowa was his only BCS-level offer -- all of the Ohio-based MAC schools made offers along with Ball State and Eastern Michigan -- and it came in the last week before Signing Day. On its face, Hyde's offer looked like a typical Ferentz defensive back play: Take a chance on a kid who was ignored by his home state school, take a couple of years to build him into game shape, and see if he attains competence.

Continue reading this post »

If you're like me, you live by a few simple rules: Never set foot in Scandinavia unless receiving a Nobel Prize, never drink Sanka, and never trust a man with two first names. Looks like I'm going to have to violate one of those rules, because Iowa received the verbal commitment of Carmel, Indiana-based linebacker John Kenny. The junior pass rusher received three stars and a place in the top 40 nationally at his position from all the recruiting services (Scout and 24/7 have him listed at OLB; Rivals oddly puts him at ILB). He held offers from Illinois, Indiana, Arizona, Boise State, OMHR, Northwestern, and some MAC schools; his decision reportedly came down to Iowa and Arizona, and "Easy E" Eric Johnson was able to seal the deal. We totally own Rich Rodriguez.

Kenny's an interesting prospect for Iowa. Obviously, the video above highlights his ability as a pass rusher, but Iowa's outside linebackers spend so little time rushing the passer (at least in the Norm Parker days) that his talent would be largely unused. Scout cites his ability in shedding blocks and tackling as major positives, and Kenny told Rivals that Iowa plans on potentially playing him at all three linebacker positions, but don't count out the possibility of Kenny redshirting and emerging from the Doyle program as a weakside defensive end.

John Kenny is Iowa's seventh commitment for the 2013 class, by far the Hawkeyes' biggest spring haul ever (the previous pre-May 1 record was the Class of 2011, when Iowa had three commits at the end of April). It's due in large part to a shift in protocol by recruits in general; players are committing earlier, citing a desire to end the process prior to their senior seasons. It's also due to proactive recruiting by Iowa's staff, which had previously been content to wait until camp season in the summer to formally open recruiting, and now hits the road immediately following Signing Day and continues during spring practice. It's paying off in spades: Not only does Iowa have more commits than ever before, but they've got a top 20 recruiting class according to the one site that's already ranking 2013 classes. The sea change is here, and it may affect recruiting more than anything else.

[NOTE: My apologies to Bengals fans; I wrote this Thursday night, and didn't realize until I saw his name flash across the board while sitting in a bar 200 miles from my laptop that I hadn't uploaded it. -- Ed.]

Congratulations, professional football fans! Your favorite team has made the wonderful decision to draft Shaun Prater! Like any responsible selector, you're no doubt filled with questions about your potential new draft pick. We here at Black Heart Gold Pants will try our best to answer any questions you might have.

So, Is This Guy Any Good? The simple answer is yes, he's quite good. As for the more complicated answer, I suppose that depends on who you ask and what you want him to do. Prater spent four years at Iowa, started at cornerback for three of them, and was perfectly capable throughout. In particular, Prater was strong in run support and a sure tackler (if you're going to play cornerback at Iowa, those are the two major prerequisites). With that said, he played virtually no man coverage -- Iowa runs cover 2/quarters on practically every down -- and had NFL-level safety help over the top for two of those three years. When those safeties were replaced with newbies last year, Prater's play suffered noticeably. If your scheme is zone-heavy and you've got quality safeties available, Prater would be an excellent second corner or nickel.

But We Play Press Coverage. I'm not saying he can't play press or man coverage. I'm just saying we haven't seen it. Prater's not particularly big -- 5'10", 185 lbs. -- but has always played physical football and is not lacking in quickness. He might well be able to play press, but he has no immediate experience with it and will need tutoring from the very beginning.

Continue reading this post »

Congratulations, professional football fans! Your favorite team has made the wonderful decision to draft Riley Reiff! Like any responsible selector, you're no doubt filled with questions about your new draft pick. We here at Black Heart Gold Pants will try our best to answer any questions you might have.

So, Is This Guy Any Good? Well, you just used a first round pick on him, so he'd better be. And he is. Reiff came to Iowa as a defensive end and a former high school heavyweight wrestler, moved to offensive line after a redshirt year, and quickly became the best lineman on an eleven-win team with a future first-round left tackle (Bryan Bulaga) and two other eventual draftees. The next year, he assumed Bulaga's position on the left flank and never left. He never suffered a serious injury, never begged off the front line. He's tough, he's nasty, and he's tenacious. He's also an Iowa left tackle, which means he was trained by the guy who used to coach Jonathan Ogden with Baltimore and a gaggle of offensive linemen you know from Sundays, so you're getting a pro-ready technician. He's also good at running naked from the police.

Continue reading this post »

In 2000, Kirk Ferentz went to South Dakota to pick up an eight-man quarterback/linebacker that had no other interest from anyone in FBS. It was an unconventional move, to be sure; there were obvious questions regarding the level of competition that Chad Greenway had faced, and he would require a redshirt less for his physical structure than to acclimate him to the speed and style of play, but it worked out pretty well. In recent years, Iowa has gone back to the off-the-grid small-school well with guys like Dominic Alvis (successful) and Casey McMillan (not quite so much). Last year, the Hawkeyes threw a late scholarship to Iowa eight-man superstar Nate Meier.

Nathan Bazata differs from those in a couple of significant aspects: He's been offered -- and, as of Saturday, accepted -- a scholarship not only before the last few hours of the recruiting period, but before he even begins his senior season, and he's drawn interest not only from Iowa, but also from some heavy hitters like Michigan, Kansas State, and -- yes -- Nebraska. Bazata is currently 6'2", 270 lbs. and projected at defensive tackle. He received three stars from Rivals and has yet to receive a rating from Scout and 24/7.

It's easy to see why Bazata made it onto Iowa's radar. His high school, Howells, is a longtime wrestling powerhouse, and Bazata is a two-time state heavyweight runner-up. In an interview prior to this year's state semifinals, his wrestling coach described him as "straight size and strength." You've got size, strength, and leverage in spades, from the sort of sources that Iowa covets, and a two-sport star to boot. It's a natural fit. It will be worth keeping an eye on Lincoln, though; there's a long way to go to February, Bazata's Iowa commitment will raise some eyebrows, and there's always the possibility that Bo Pelini will jump into the fray.

It took a little longer than expected, but it finally happened: Naperville North offensive lineman Colin Goebel finalized his commitment to Iowa Friday afternoon. Goebel, a 6'4", 275 lb. senior-to-be, received surprisingly consensus ratings from the creeps: Rivals, Scout, and 24/7 all have him rated at three stars, and all three place him in the top 20 offensive guards in the country (Scout #17, Rivals #18, 24/7 #20). He held offers from the usual suspects: Illinois, Indiana, Minnesota, (maybe) Wisconsin, Kansas, Cincinnati, West Virginia, and a smattering of MAC programs (and, oddly, Miami and Mississippi).

Goebel's commitment is a testament to something Iowa doesn't usually do especially well: Getting in on a target early. Iowa was Goebel's first Big Ten-level offer, and the staff didn't play footsie with anyone else in his projected position. They pushed hard through the winter, and by the time Goebel hit campus in late March, the recruitniks felt it was elementary. It took him a few weeks to make the decision, but it was never really in doubt.

The recruiting services have him classified as a guard and guard only, but Goebel might have some other ideas in mind. He played tackle in high school, he cited Iowa's preference to start linemen at guard and move them to tackle as a positive, and Ole Miss and some of the MAC schools saw him as a possible tackle. At 6'4" already (with another year of high school to go before he hits campus), he could well have the frame to eventually move outside.

There are fourteen offensive linemen on the roster right now - with only two seniors - and the attrition rate on linemen is far lower than their skill position counterparts. This team isn't in desperate need of offensive line help (which is why Iowa could put all their offensive guard eggs in the Goebel basket). It's Iowa, though, and Iowa's going to recruit offensive linemen. Goebel's in the fold, and you can certainly expect a couple more.

After reviewing a teaser unveiled last week to promote his school's new football uniforms, Northwestern athletic director Jim Phillips admitted he was "astonished" to learn that the school played football before 1995. "I didn't know it, either," said Phillips. "I had our history department look it up, and it turns out we've been playing football since 1876."

The Wildcats were charter members of the Big Ten Conference (once described as "a mistake I will take to my grave" by inaugural conference commissioner John L. Griffith) but, according to its dozens of fans, didn't start playing football until a century later. "Turns out that's not the case," said Phillips. "You could have knocked me over with a feather."

Northwestern's storied football history includes such gridiron legends as the guy who did play-by-play on American Gladiators and former quarterback Jimmy Johnson. "It's not that Jimmy Johnson," said Phillips.

He added, "Nope, not the Nascar guy either."

When a reporter notified Phillips that college football hall of fame inductee Otto Graham played for the Wildcats from 1941 through 1943, Phillips replied, "No kidding? The Field of Dreams kid? I guess it makes sense; he eventually became a doctor."

Phillips was especially surprised to find the footage of pre-1995 games. "That blew my mind," the athletic director said. "It's so rare to find pre-war Northwestern football footage. And by pre-war, I mean before the Gulf War."

He added, "I mean, how do you get footage of a game that nobody attended? I guess someone must have left a camera running after a marching band competition or something."

Northwestern begins its eighteenth season of competitive football, and 137th overall, in September. They will apparently have new uniforms. Nobody will care.

Assume the Position is our offseason guide to the Iowa Hawkeyes football depth chart. The math is difficult, so take it from us: As time moves on, we'll know more. That's why we rank the positions from most certain to least certain.

Tonight: Quarterback

This is the fourth straight year that quarterback has led off Assume the Position. In fact, there has only been one quarterback semi-controversy in the last decade of Hawkeye football. Iowa might have complete chaos everywhere else, but stability at quarterback has now become a program hallmark.

Haters to the Left

James Vandenberg (#16, Senior (RS), 6'3", 212, Keokuk (IA) HS)

I only go to a couple of games a year anymore, mostly because I'd usually rather spend thirteen hours watching four games within sight of my refrigerator. Last season, I attended Pitt and Michigan State, and you'd probably be justified in thinking that any conversation about James Vandenberg would center on Pitt. I'd like to start with Michigan State, though. Vandenberg went 22 of 47 for 262 yards, 2 touchdowns and a pick, the vast majority of those yards and one of the touchdowns coming long after the game had been decided. By pure completion percentage, it was Vandenberg's worst performance of the season to date (he would do even worse against Nebraska a couple of weeks later). The crowd was restless to begin with, and it only got worse with every incompletion. There were 25 incomplete passes that day, and the guy behind me called for A.J. Derby to take over after quite literally each of them. This is not uncommon behavior for Iowa football -- cue the Hayden Fry quote about how every Iowa fan's favorite player is the backup quarterback -- but it was made unique here by the fact that Derby had long since moved to linebacker.

Yes, that guy was a moron, but I doubt he was the only one looking for a backup that Saturday afternoon. A brief stop at any Iowa message board will quickly evidence a split among the fan base on whether Vandenberg is a capable starting quarterback for this team. He never really contested Ricky Stanzi for the position when he was an underclassman, and he appeared to inherit it more than win it in 2011; John Wienke had long since been relegated to non-factor, Derby was always too much of a departure from the traditional Hawkeye signalcaller, and Jake Rudock had been on campus for about a minute and a half. Vandenberg, at first blush, wasn't as good as the last guy and was obviously and exponentially better than the motley crew around him.

Continue reading this post »

In 1934, Iowa and Minnesota met for their annual football contest. Minnesota had dominated the series to that point (the two teams started playing in 1891), and the Gophers were clearly a superior team in that year (they would go on to win the national championship). Regardless of their talent, Minnesota has always been good at one thing: Being jerkoffs, and 1934 was no exception. The Gophers spent the game attacking Iowa halfback Ozzie Simmons for having the audacity to be black. They gouged at his eyes. They spiked his shins. They kneed him in the ribs. They jumped on the pile like their defense was eleven guys named Laurinaitis. Minnesota won, and as happens every time Minnesota wins, humanity lost.

The next year, both teams were having great seasons. Minnesota was 5-0, Iowa 4-0-1. The game was to be played in Iowa City, and the Iowa fans were none too happy about stories of the 1934 shenanigans. The Governor of Iowa -- THE GOVERNOR OF IOWA -- threatened an on-field riot if Minnesota took cheap shots at Simmons. The attorney general of Minnesota responded by calling the governor a coward. In an attempt to lighten the mood, the Governor of Minnesota made an offer to Iowa's Governor: Winner gets a pig. Minnesota won 13-6, and Iowa's governor designated a pig named Floyd (named after the Minnesota governor, of course) from Rosedale farms to go to St. Paul. Minnesota's Governor came south, picked up his pig, put it on a leash, and walked it into the Iowa state house.

Editor's note: Please, please, please go read this article about Ozzie from a 1930's edition of The Afro-American newspaper. This is such an intriguing piece of historical writing, I can't even begin to describe it. It's on the left side and entitled, "Should Ozzie Quit?"

That's how you hate, people. It's not manufactured by Jim Delany (OUR MOST HATED RIVAL PURDUE) or a grocery store chain (Nebraska). Iowa-Minnesota is a pure, unadulterated hate built on decades of conflict and animosity. The entire thing centers around a pig statue that became the traveling trophy because Minnesotans are horrible people who defended a bunch of racist football players. It's continued for nearly 80 years since then; the teams have played 108 times, 77 of those for Floyd of Rosedale, and the hate remains.

Continue reading this post »

The scene opens with the Basketball World Order in the ring

Hey yo
We're gonna do a little survey
It's real, real simple
Either you're with us...or you're against us.
So how many people here came to see football?
/smattering of cheers
OR...
How many people are down with the B...W...
Hey Gatens
How about we let them decide it at the bottom of the post?
Oh, looky look what we've got here. The Mandenberg.
I don't see anyone with you, Mandenberg.
You come out here by yourself, Opie?
You'd better go back to Mayberry and get Sheriff Taylor.
Oh, the Sheriff is here, Gatens, and he brought a posse with him.
AND I DON'T WANT THE WORLD TO SEE ME CUZ I DON'T THINK THAT THEY'D UNDERSTAND

Continue reading this post »

Gentlemen, we face our most formidable opponent yet.
Gatens and Brommer are formidable enough by themselves, but McCaffery doubles their effectiveness.
And Barta is...well, he's Bloodpunch. He's ruthless, and he's power-hungry, and he'll use every one of his connections and every bit of his cunning to win.
We need a fourth man, and he has to do something we can't do ourselves.
What about Canzeri? He's a Danny Woodhead-type player. They don't have one of those.
Get him in here.
CANZERI!
/runs out of tunnel
GRRRRR
AHHHHHH!
/tears ACL

Jordan Canzeri has been eliminated by AIRBHGGING

STOP THE PROCEEDINGS
Commissioner Breadman!

Continue reading this post »

When we left two hours ago, Kirk Ferentz and Ken O'Keefe had discovered they had two hours to stop Coach Vending Machine from obtaining the launch code to KOK's top secret playbook...

Maybe we should --
shhhhhhhhhh
But Coach, if we --
Stop it, Soup. This isn't the time.
I was just going to say, if we --
CAN'T YOU SEE WE HAVE A LEAD? WHY WOULD WE DO ANYTHING CRAZY? SIT IN THAT CHAIR, MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, AND LEAVE IT TO THE DEFENSE.
There is no defense. If the clock runs out and we do nothing, we lose.
Thanks for the advice, Bielema. If we just play the percentages and fair catch every --
PING
PING PING PING PING PING
It got the final digit. It has the launch code.
/look over to Coach Vending Machine's display

Your secret password was 1234 KOK?
I know, I can't believe it figured it out either.
Oh no.
It's launching the playbook.

Continue reading this post »

I don't get it.
Sir, the monitors are showing that Notre Dame and Michigan have already launched preemptive attacks against the two skill position players in the state that are worth a damn.
Ohio State and Penn State have locked down the Northeast corridor and are using that as a base for attacking our foothold in the mid-Atlantic.
And we probably lost another halfback since I started this monologue.
We need to do something drastic, sir. We need to strike back before we're obliterated.
Greg, where's the offense?
As ready as a cow turd in a west Texas barnfield, Mack!
Stand by, then, and prepare to launch the new playbook.
Sir! Up there! It's James! And he's got Ken O'Keefe!

I don't know what you think you can do here, Ken.
Soup! Good to see your wife still picks out your ties.
You left like five weeks ago.
What has this kid been telling you?
How far has he gone?
How far has who gone?
The computer.
The what?
It's a bluff, Soup. Call it off.
No it's not.
Yes it is. This is...COACH FERENTZ, IT'S KEN O'KEEFE
Ken, you picked one hell of a day for a visit. I've got half the damn basketball team trying to kick my ass and the rest of the Big Ten pouncing on my carcass.

Continue reading this post »

In Florida, a ferry approaches an otherwise desolate island.

A young quarterback exits the ferry and starts across the island.

The Herky pterodactyl swoops down on Vandenberg, knocking him to the ground.

Did you see that?
Can you believe there are still people who don't think Herky could fly?

Continue reading this post »

NUMBER ONE SEED: KIRK FERENTZ

First Round: Defeated A.J. Derby 463-108.

NUMBER FIVE SEED: FRAN McCAFFERY

First Round: Defeated Norm Parker 350-257.

So we settle in for this long-anticipated second round matchup.
Iowa's two most prominent coaches squaring off, and I'm not sure we know what to...
Hey yo Billionaire Kirk

Continue reading this post »

It's the last week of March, so it's time for a BHGP tradition: The Wrestlemania Preview Podcast. This year, Ross and I are joined by Tom Holzerman (the proprietor of Walls of Jerichoholic and regular participant in #RawIsTwitter) and Jackson Young (who you probably know as Smokin' Herb Grigsby). We had fun.

Listen below or subscribe on iTunes.

BHGPodcast79

NUMBER TWO SEED: ANGRY IOWA RUNNING BACK HATING GOD

First Round: Defeated Coach Vending Machine by forfeit.

NUMBER SIX SEED: BROMMELHEAD

First Round: Defeated the new Cy-Hawk Trophy 212-191.

So, who makes the Final Four?

In the basement of the Hayden Fry Football Complex, a coffee machine sits...

bleepy bloopy

whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

bleepbloopwhirrrrrrrrr

PING

whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrbleepwhirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Even when I'm mumblemumble you

It's not your Farta, it's not your Farta

Yeah

And even when I'm smellin' your poo

It's not your Farta, it's not your Farta, yeah

This must be the coffee machine that Farta wanted me to find.

Just find a dollar...

Press A3...

whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrbleepwhirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

/presses A3 again

whirrrrrrrrrrrrrbleepybloopywhirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrbloopwhirrrrr

/repeatedly presses A3

whirrrrrrrrrrrrbloopwhirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

PING

/pushes machine

/pushes machine harder

/punches machine

Dadgumit.

Maybe there's a number to call for a refund.

/looks on left of machine, sees nothing

/looks on right of machine

Aw, fiddlesticks. I've got to get to O'Keefe Island.

NUMBER THREE SEED: JAMES VANDENBERG

Round One: Defeated Big Ron and The Noodle 363-140.

NUMBER TWO SEED: "BLOODPUNCH" GARY BARTA

Round One: Defeated Scare-Center 280-137.

Hey
Hey hey hey
Before we begin, let me address this issue with Gatens and Brommer.
I don't know what their problem is, but they've asked me to name a team of three, and I told them I would today.
I choose Kirk Ferentz...
What's up, Farta?
LOL
Stop calling me Farta
I'll try to muster up another nickname, but in the meantime, you're Farta.
I choose Kirk Ferentz, James Vandenberg...
LOL Farta that's hilarious coach.
...and Ken O'Keefe!
...
...
Ken O'Keefe!
...

He's saving the dolphins on Ken O'Keefe Island, Mr. Barta.
Well, James, go get him.
Before you go, though, get me a cup of coffee, would you?
There's a machine in the basement.

So, it looks like they're both staying in Marchifornication, but the games must be played, so who wins Round Two?

Welcome back to Marchifornication.

I'm Gary Dolphin, joined by Gary "Bloodpunch" Barta.

And Bloodpunch, a big win by Ken O'Keefe over his former tag team partner, Jamie Pollard.

Let me say this: I was hoping Jamie would pull that off, because when I dispatch with Vandenberg next week, I wanted that poor excuse for an athletic director waiting to feel my wrath.

So instead, I get Ken O'Keefe, a man I tried to fire no less than 84 times.

He might not have given me a shot at number 85, but I'm going to get my...

/looks to his left

/runs away

Hey yo ken doll

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NUMBER ONE SEED: KEN O'KEEFE

FIRST ROUND: Defeated New OMHR Pete 451-101.

NUMBER FIVE SEED: JAMIE POLLARD

FIRST ROUND: Defeated Nyan Cat 224-169.

Last year, these two teamed up to try to take Marchifornication. There's no tag team this year, though (Pollard called, KOK declined, Pollard was inconsolable). There can be only one. So who wins Marchifornication Round 2?

For a year now, we've been religiously reading the Kingsbury Factor, the ridiculously entertaining blog dedicated to college basketball in general and undersized bomb-chucking shooting guards in particular. Their patron saint: Chris Kingsbury, former Iowa Hawkeye and the subject of many an urban legend both on and off the court.

They're here this week for the podcast to discuss which bombers you should be watching in the Sweet Sixteen, who's making the Final Four, what we can expect from Iowa next year, and -- of course -- Chris Kingsbury. That's just how we roll.

Listen below or subscribe on iTunes to get the podcast for your morning commute.

BHGPodcast 78

NUMBER TWO SEED: ANGRY IOWA RUNNING BACK HATING GOD

What He did to get here: Took out Rodney Coe (academically ineligible), Mika'il McCall, Marcus Coker, and Mika'il McCall again. And then Marcus Coker again, although it was kind of just an extension of the first strike. It's really quite ridiculous.

NUMBER SEVEN SEED: COACH VENDING MACHINE

What it did to get here: Accidentally got hired as quarterbacks coach, then got fired for espousing its love of Dana Holgorsen's offense.

Let's go to the ring for the announcements.

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NUMBER TWO SEED: GARY "BLOODPUNCH" BARTA

What he did to get here: Wrote a nasty letter to UI Public Safety; found a time capsule; let Anthony Hubbard through the gates, then announced his departure; made a parody song album with the football staff; apologized for Brommelhead's supernatural effects; canceled basketball in favor of Calvinball; rang the bell at NASDAQ; kinda threw Fran McCaffery under the

Wait just a second.
What is it, Gary? I'm trying to get all the Barta stuff out.
Look there, at the top of the ramp.

Hey yo Ken doll

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NUMBER ONE SEED: KIRK FERENTZ

What he did to get here: Held the Ladies Football Academy for the first time; scrubbed Adam Robinson and DJK from the record; resisted calls to implement a 3-4 defense; committed a gigantic recruiting violation; looked through a time capsule with Bloodpunch; got bold as hell; took the most awkward interview request of all time with aplomb; released a parody album with his coaching staff; turned out to be pretty bad at playing the percentages; got something in his eye; mistook Senior Day for Senor Day; pooped a fully functional headset; told Mika'il McCall that BHGP was off limits; could not Tebow; had Thanksgiving with the family; visited the Ghost of Ferentz Past; interviewed coordinators; may have chopped off his index finger; eliminated the running back position from the offense; hired Robocop and a vending machine; became a human cannonball; took the arctic plunge. Wow, that's a year.

NUMBER EIGHT SEED: A.J. DERBY

What he did to get here: Was the Hawkeyes backup quarterback; punched a bus window and ended up in the clink for a night; tried to free Floyd; was no longer the Hawkeyes backup quarterback; was no longer a Hawkeye.

So, who wins Marchifornication?