Paul O'Neill

• joined Oct 21, 2009
• last login Dec 20, 2012
• posts 0
• comments 157

During the long winters, I train in the wildernesses of Ohio, feeding on wild deer, foxes, snow, nuts, and pine needles. In one emergency situation, I successfully beat to death and consumed an adult female grizzley bear. This occurred after this bear realized I had consumed her cubs.

After winning four world championships with the New York Yankees, including playing an integral role in the 1998 team that won 114 games during the regular season, my goal in life at this moment is to ridicule Michael Kay on the air so much that he is forced to hide in shame for the rest of his days.

My greater goal is to successfully sacrifice an Angels fan on the Yankee Stadium pitching mound before the first pitch of each home game. Immediately afterwards, I will eat the Angels fan's body and run around the warning track shirtless. I will then call that evening's game with David Cone and Kenny Singleton where, for the next nine innings, we will ridicule the opposing team and discuss my eating habits at great length; I will also do this shirtless. Furthermore, I will remain shirtless for the entire game and postgame, during which David Cone and I will take turns ignoring Bob Lorenz's questions and telling dirty jokes instead. This will boost ratings. Too bad I don't care about ratings.

Finally, at an unknown date in the near future, I will rejoin the Yankee roster and return to right field, where I will play in all 162 games, bat .750, shatter the home run record, and lead the league in stolen bases, RBIs, doubles, triples, on-base percentage, slugging percentage, walks, intentional walks, fielding percentage, total bases, walk-off hits, assists, put-outs, runs scored, wins, saves, and -- most importantly -- hit batsmen.

After this I will open and manage my own pizzeria. This pizzeria will have the highest payroll of all pizzerias on earth. We will, in essence, "buy" your patronage. I will sell baseball equipment in this pizzeria, and during children's birthday parties, I will break a dozen orange water coolers with the vintage Gatorade logos on them with either a wooden bat or my bare hands -- at no additional cost. For a small price, I will yell at the lucky child about balls and strikes, physically fight his/her parents, and eat all their food. Once a year, I will invite Wade Boggs to the establishment and we will have a Miller Light drinking competition. I will pretend to lose in this competition in order make Wade Boggs feel good about himself, for those of you who say I have no heart.

If you have any questions, please e-mail me or message me on the threads. I will probably not answer you or read your message. If you try and call my house, I will throw a baseball through your window from my front lawn; if you live on the West coast, this only means I will have to stand up to throw the ball.