"This is beyond fiction." – Joe Maddon to Todd Kalas in the bubbly afterglow of Game 162.

Friday morning, shortly after 8am, I sat with a bowl of off-brand frosted mini-wheats on my lap and watched MLB Network’s "Road to the Postseason" (or whatever it's called) program. I needed to get showered for work, but, like most of us, I literally could not get enough of Evan charging his lazer. They showed the highlight package and then Mitch Williams unhinged his trap and let loose his bilious word soup du jour. This is normally where I’d click off, but there was a graphic on the screen that kept my hand in arrest. By now the numbers are old hat for Rays fans.

Continue reading this post »

I'm creating this for one reason and one reason only: declaration of Warde's idiocy. The Mars Volta produced one 5-star album and two 3.5 to 4 star albums in a single fucking decade, you chodescraper. What other band has done that since the 1970s? And their most recent album was easily their best since their debut. These guys are murder. De-Loused is one of rock's all time great guitar records. Who cares that no one understands what Cedric is saying? That's the appeal. He's a space cadet, but when he croons in Espanish my little nipples stand at attention. Que amor fantastico metallico!

 

I'm sure you'll respond with some variation of "Well, that's just my opinion, man". Guess what? Opinions are not infallible. Many, many, many opinions are downright stupid - and yours re: MV is one of them. I like you, man, that's why I'm trying to help you realize what a failure you are. 

Fuck prog. The Mars Volta are the best rock band of the last 10 years.

Yesterday morning, Intrepid Boy Reporter Play-On-Words and his slovenly valet Suttree swooped down to sunny Port Charlotte, Florida, where they Never Forget and the Rays broke out the fungoes and the L-screens for a little training. It was an enchanted day of spring baseball, filled with close and rewarding encounters with the bright lights of the Rays universe and opportunities to nob hobs with the baseball power elite! What follows is a photographic chronicle of our adventures. Inquiries regarding personal tutelage on the Nikon CoolPix L100 should be directed to me via email.

As the dewdrops shivered in the first morning breeze over Charlotte County Sports Park, the Rays pitchers took some much needed fielding practice. In this image, Jeff Niemann is illustrating the finer points of gloving slow choppers to an attentive Andy Sonnanstine. The Big Nyquil had alighted in town from a retreat to the pitching mounds of the Far East, where Greg Maddux had bestowed upon him tomes of instruction so powerful and secret that they can only be read by the light of a passing comet. Wade Davis is seen to the right with very poor posture.

More after the jump.

Continue reading this post »

J.R. Smith dunk on Gary Neal - Spurs @ Nuggets 12/16/10 (via huff99)

 

 

Same cat who is responsible for this gem:

 

Gary Neal high fives imaginary teammates (12.05.2010) (via jaythebadkid)

 

 

So, in less than two weeks, ol' Gare has managed to be a part of two of the NBA's best YouTube clips of the season. Too bad JR Smith killed him. It would be nice to see what more sweet Nealsy could've given us.

 

And, in other news, have a Merry Christmas to my Christ-killing brethren. I won't be back in town until Jan 2. 

In case you aren't on Twitter (don't call it a comeback, etc.), here are some excerpts of what Jon Heyman did all day yesterday and part of this morning: run interference for DA CAPTAIN. It's very romantic.

WARNING: I have no idea what is going on with the formatting below. 

 

SI_JonHeyman Jon Heyman  @  @fenwaymike i really dont. jeter's range is still decent. i dont believe the public uzr ratings. im told the teams' ratings are different.

17 hours ago Favorite Retweet Reply

 

SI_JonHeyman Jon Heyman  @  @mdunlap1 the public uzrs r way off im told. also it was very positive in '09 i heard. 17 hours ago Favorite Retweet Reply

 

SI_JonHeyman Jon Heyman  @  @bdreynolds very rude for someone who appears to have a child there ... i suggested andrus was better.

17 hours ago Favorite Retweet Reply

 

 

SI_JonHeyman Jon Heyman  @  @bdreynolds ok, it was the rudest, just surprising from someone who chooses a pic o them with a young kid and bicycle 16 hours ago Favorite Retweet Reply

 

 

SI_JonHeyman Jon Heyman  @  @markchase34 @bdreynolds stop ripping me and go back to your child

16 hours ago Favorite Retweet Reply

 

SI_JonHeyman Jon Heyman  @  @markchase34 he's the crummiest player ever who'll have 3,500 hits and at least five rings. how's that?

16 hours ago Favorite Retweet Reply

 

SI_JonHeyman Jon Heyman  heres what i say to all the jeter rippers: he is possibly the worst player ever who'll have 3,500 hits and 5 rings

14 hours ago Favorite Retweet Reply

 

SI_JonHeyman Jon Heyman  @  @MarkM625 you havent seen all thee tweets. the negativity is astounding

14 hours ago Favorite Retweet Reply

 

SI_JonHeyman Jon Heyman  @  @Mooney24 1) i said andrus too, 2) its the over the top negativity, 3) his defense sint bad, 4) your pic will disqualify u from employment

14 hours ago Favorite Retweet Reply

 

 

SI_JonHeyman Jon Heyman  @  @tlh1001 very good causes people to be rude? hmmm ... id say overall he is good to very good. 6 Es, 92 DPs. public uzr ratings r wrong 2 hours ago Favorite Retweet Reply

"I know this is kind of a funny question for you to ask me. But my daughter introduced me to rap and hip-hop music after I said some things that she thought were not very smart. She said, 'Dad, you need to listen. A lot of these guys are smart.' This guy's smart, and he's got ability. And he's got a new chance now. And what I hope is that this is not just something to brand him as a cool guy but that it'll never happen again to him. I think a lot of these people, they don't get successful in that-- just like any other area of life-- by being dumb. They're really smart. But a lot of them have tough lives, and they almost think it's cool to get in trouble every now and then, or they don't know how to stay out. What I hope will happen is that he has a good life now."

--Bill Clinton on Lil Wayne's release from Rikers

 

http://pitchfork.com/news/40587-george-w-bush-responds-to-kanye-west/

via i1203.photobucket.com

Per Stacy Long:

A quick review of what Beckham did -- a home run, a triple, two singles, a flyout, a walk and an oh-my-goodness baserunning mistake.

Read Long's post for extended details, but Beckham showcased himself very nicely for next week's draft and surely couldn't have hurt his stock. The question for the Rays becomes do they take the higher ceiling or the safe pick?

 

Weewoop.

 

JBF, mah doods.

via www.248am.com

 

 

From your local convenience store.

"This is being marketed to police, other groups," said Marilyn A. Huestis, chemistry and drug metabolism chief at the National Institute on Drug Abuse. "You have these synthetic compounds that are up to 100 fold more potent than THC," the active ingredient in marijuana.

The buzz doesn't last as long as authentic marijuana, Ibarra said, but "it gets you way higher than you ever want to, a lot higher than a normal blunt of weed."

"I was just like all flinchy and shaky and like looking around and stuff. I couldn't stop moving. I thought everybody was staring at me. I thought I was like the center of attention and everything. My eyes got really red. I didn't really get hungry like that much, but I felt burnt out. I was tired."

This is that dope-on-dope, smoke but don't choke on
It's the shit, clearly blunt junkies have been known to croak
Unless them toke of it's, THE BOOOOOOMB!

For those who think life is unfair
'cause I blow my smoke in the air
As if no one is standin there
Then I'll roll one tonight, fo' yo' sorrows
In my chair, as I sit back smiling from ear to ear
With a fistful of your girlfriend's hair
Yes, she'll blow one tonight, fo' yo' sorrows

Daddy Fat Sacks back on the scene
Money shot to a Three movies
But everything's straight like 9:15
It's back to the time machine, I believe
Back to the rhymin, back to the stick
Back to the hi-hat, tsk tsk kick
Slap, y'all --- better think that was it
We everywhere (BEEEITCH~!)
... Like the air you breathe
Got 'em stuck like Chuck into what we weave
Like a lace front wig stuck to the forehead
Best believe I'll change the steeds
Take the lead, change the speed
Slow it down just for the sport
----, ONE of my favorite rappers happens to be Too $hort

Now everybody wanna sell dope (SELL DOPE)
Got a P, got a pound, got some hoes (... NOPE!)
Jesse Jackson had a lil' bit of hope, for the folks
On a roll, back in nineteen eighty fo' (EIGHTY FO'?)
BEEEITCH~!

Just to let you know that everything is straight
I say stank you very much 'cause we appreciate the hate
Now go get yourself a handgun, you fuckin with a great
Put it your mouth and squeeze it like your morning toothpaste [gunshot]
Kill yo'self like Sean Kingston, suicidal for a title
My recitals are vital and maybe needed for survival
Like the Bible or any other good book that you read
Why are 75% of our youth readin magazines?
'Cause they used to fantasy, and that's what they do to dream
Call it fiction addiction 'cause the truth is a heavy thing!
'member when the levee scream, made the folks evacua-ezz
Yeah, I'm still speakin about it 'cause New Orleans ain't clean
When we shout Dirty South, I don't think that is what we mean
I mean, it mean the roguh, the tough, the DANGEROUS, we reign SUPREME
Can slaughter entire teams with the ink that my pen bleeds
B-I-G, B-O-I - ---, please!

Don't want no girlfriends
Just need my dope (I just need my dope)
One foot on the world when, I'm behind in my smoke
(I'm behind in my smoke)
On the back burner, you can just simmer around
But on the front burner, you betta burn, a fat one
(Roll it up... fire that shit up)
A fat one - fire it up!
A fat, fat, fat one...

This is that dope-on-dope, smoke but don't choke on
It's the shit, c-c-clearly blunt junkies have been known to croak-oak-oak
Unless them toke of it's, THE BOOOMB!
Bombardin the brain, the bong infinitely plays the place to come
Came and went, hindbells spent, b-b-b-b-bent
Take another huff and puff and choke and toke
Icky sticky sticky and stuff a bowl and
Pack a pipe, twist a blunt roll, light a JOINT~!
'Cause this is the dope-on-dope... some GOOD shit...
Yeaaaaaaahh... Lean back and puff slow...

Are we evil?

 

So many have leaped at the throat of the SPs lately. Racist accusations, homophobic accusations. They've even started to dismantle the gilded armor of our ArchPig sternfan1. Thus, we are forced to look in the mirror and ignore our glorious handsomeness to ask a simple question:

 

Are we evil?

Are we the snakes coiled in the vegetable garden?

Will our hilarity eventually topple DRB, thereby eliminating the Rays' only source of fans and forcing the team to move to Oklahoma City?

OMG RUN!

God bless you workin on a plan to heaven
follow the Lord all 24/7 days
God is who we praise even though the devils all up in my face.
He keepin me safe and in my place
say grace to the gates we race,
but I change the face of judge,
then I guess my soul won't budge, grudge,
because there's no mercy for thugs,
ohhhhhh what can I do, it's all about a family and how we roll
Can I get a witness not enough fool
We livin our lives to eternal our souls ay o ayo...

The fuck is with this manual draft order? 8th?? You cocksucker.

 

EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO EL PINGO is his name-o.

A copy of the report I submitted to Andrew Friedman, written in Comic Sans...

Last night, the Stone Crabs' second baseman was a catastrophe. Like most of the other Crabs, he did jack and shit at the plate, but unlike everyone else, he made two errors at second and generally fielded balls in his zone like they were coated in dick leprosy. The official scoring of two errors is very kind to the young man, who fielded maybe 3/10 balls cleanly. And I'm being generous. I have not read other reports of his defense, but I did remark to my buddy upon watching Hall get gobbled up by a roller in the hole between first and second that he chases balls down like an octopus on land. 

But enough talk of sub-fringe prospects. 

Continue reading this post »

Hi Allen,
While I find Hosmer, Melville Cole and a handful of other players you constantly pound the drums for you have neverwritten a profile on Brett.
Brett also strted as a freshman at Rutherford High School and helped them from not even known in baseball to having one of the best in the state in 5A
I know I’m a little biased but, Brett has constantly came through in big games in Perfect Game tournaments, for East Cobb and for his high school.
Brett doesn’t come out and throw 2 or 3 innings, he finishes his games very strong.
Brett is a non-assuming young man, yes, a man- look at him. He has a bdy of a major league pitcher now and he has gotten that way through hard work. I don’t see that same body on any other pitcher.
I hear the word”polished” quite a bit, Well how the hell do you think he got that way?
I can tell from BA writings that you favor West coast kids but a little love for some boys other than Hosmer, Martinez, Nieto would be nice.
If you check you will see that Brett has handle all your big hitter very easy. That ought to say something about tyhe quality of pitcher he is and will be in the future.

Continue reading this post »

"I couldn’t wait to be a Buccaneer," McCoy said. "I grew up as a [Buccaneer] fan. I know a lot about the history of the team, and I’m glad that I could come here to help and do what I can.

"I wanted to be a Buccaneer. I’m not going to lie. I couldn’t just openly say that. But now that I’m picked, I wanted to be a Buccaneer. When they were in the top three, I was happy about that. I’m looking at the draft here, and things I’ve been expecting haven’t happened. It’s been unpredictable, so I had no idea until [Nebraska defensive tackle Ndamukong] Suh was picked."

Is this guy for real? If not, he has an amazing agent.

My boy Golden Tate is still on the board. And Allen and Mays. LET'S DO THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!

via www.mbuzzy.com

I don't have any facts, data, or anything to corroborate the following statement, but I'll do this the MSM way and bold it for its emphatic veracity:

 

THE HIGH SPEED RAIL WILL MAKE A SIGNIFICANT IMPACT ON THE TAMPA BAY RAYS' LONG TERM FUTURE IN THE BAY AREA.

Continue reading this post »

[Doug] Williams has been impressed with Freeman's development, and said that he sees a gunslinger of a quarterback when he watches Freeman in practice. Morris said that is what the Buccaneers need. 

"That is today's quarterback, you talk about all the great quarterbacks and they are gunslingers," Morris said. "They all go through their trials and tribulations. I guess Brett [Favre] is the guy you want to talk about now being the ultimate gunslinger. He leads the league in interceptions, but I don't think he ever remembers that stat. He just thinks of how many touchdowns he threw, and how many wins he has, and how many Super Bowls. That's got to be a quarterback's mentality in this league."

.....eff.

Continue reading this post »

The A-team did it. Scooby Doo did it. The Ghostbusters did it.

Continue reading this post »

Martin Fennelly's column today ponders if the Rays will ever return to the World Series. He cites the circumstance of a team playing a totally different sport using the Trop as a practice field as evidence, somehow, of the Rays' improbability (or not) of making the World Series in the future.

Read this fucking thing. There are 589 words in it that are cobbled together to make semi-coherent, utterly punchless, totally useless non-statements. There are so many maybes and so much pseudo thought splooge in this article that Peter King printed it out, laminated it, and put it on his Inspiration bulletin board (hanging above his Macbook Air workstation). I don't expect much from the Tampa media to begin with, especially since they are all Northeast sports fans, but Fennelly is the gold standard for sports writers in this area. Supposedly. It's likely that he made more per word of this article than Suttree will make Googling shit his entire life. This reads like Fennelly wrote it with his eyes closed. I know this because if he were awake, he would've found some way to squeeze in a George Costanza quote. Instead...

"Lemme do a little small market jab, a quick Navarro burn, yadda yadda old George Steinbrenner, Yankees payroll, Pat Burrell- BOOM. Rays article complete."

 

Look for yourself. Allow your thoughts to be provoked by the same question repeated FOUR* times.

 

* - in college (WARHAWKS), I took a screenwriting class. The teacher cited a quasi-rule that the audience won't remember something unless its referenced three times. So I think we should applaud Fennelly here for going above and beyond while working in a far more restrictive environment. A two hour movie? No. Fennelly will insult your intelligence in fewer words than a bobr post.

Continue reading this post »

"There was thought last week of getting Freeman in at the end of the game," said Olson. "But our feeling as a staff was that we weren't sure this was the defense we wanted to have this kid start off against right now. We'll allow him to get some more practice time this week and let him develop a little further."

Josh Freeman is precious. 

Also, in my opinion, JJ has to play until he loses the job. He's so far done nothing to support that move.

It lookin like I'm feelin like this outside.

It's snowing in New York. Is CC's fat now an unfair advantage? Has a hoagie become a PED?

Continue reading this post »

To discuss:

USA v Mexico tonight from Mexico City. A house of horrors for Uncle Sam's boys. This is the biggest game the US has played since Germany06 by far. Win, and it goes a long way toward qualifying for South Africa. Kickoff's at 4pm.

Fermi satellite may detect hypothesized dark matter within five years. Weird, wild stuff. 

Miyazaki's latest, "Ponyo", opens this weekend. I know P Brady's seeing it. Are you?

Rick Porcello: legend.

Rec the fuck out of RD's St. Niemann's Day fanpost. He pretends to hate everyone, but I think we all know he's a giant pussy made of clouds and feathers and Snuggies.

From Baseball Analysts.

Shields' 2-Seamer is worth about -6.3 runs per 100 pitches and Giant's curve is -4.9 runs per 100. Versus what's expected, of course. Our old buddy Brian Stokes appears on the top fastball charts...

 

Of course, these sample sizes are small, but I'm drawing whatever sunshine I can from this big, black, thunder-clotted cloud over our young season.

Go Rays. I'll cry if we lose tonight. /quota'd

He's not flashy, but he'd likely be cheap and better than he looks in front of the Rays defense. The Twins didn't give him any help in his brief time there last year, but his numbers suggest he can be effective with a good defense behind him. Bullpen depth is, IMO, top priority for the '09 club.

And, to complete the minimum word requirement: sign Brian Shouse to complete the submariner Wonder Twins. Form of...groundball!